My friend, James, once commented to me that in our society, masculinity is a terribly fragile thing. To underscore his point, he offered an example: “If a guy likes flowers, it’s automatically assumed he’s gay.” I’m certainly inclined to agree with James on his observation, but I also have to admit that I find myself wondering what being gay has to do with one’s masculinity. After all, I’m gay, and I consider myself 100% male. My masculinity is not up to debate.
Because of this conversation, I started wondering why this idea that gays are inherently “not masculine” comes from. And while I considered all of the stereotypes which are the source of James’s lament, I decided that the matter had to go deeper than that. So I dug deeper, and realized that the real issue is deeply routed in how our society – and especially the men in it – have viewed sex in general over the past few decades.
Sex and sexual prowess has been the primary determination of a man’s masculinity for quite some time, now. Indeed, the only other factor of masculinity that even comes close to degree of importance is athleticism and physical strength. To comfirm this, one merely needs to go back to the high school locker room and pay attention to the two things that teenage boys brag to each other about: How great they did at the last game and what girl they “bagged” over the weekend.
When you look at it from the most common view in our society, sex is all about the man. The man is the active partner, doing his thing to the woman, who is often seen as just laying there and letting him go at it. If she gets any pleasure from the experience, that’s fine. But even her pleasure is often seen merely as a sign of the man’s prowess and ability in bed. After all, anyone who watched the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine tells Jerry that she always faked orgasm whenever the two of them had sex knows that Jerry was far more concerned about how this demonstrated a lack of his own skill in bed than any sincere concern for Elaine’s lack of pleasure. Based on my own observations and conversations with people, I think it is safe to say that this is a clear case of television portraying a strong cultural trend.
But obviously, this paradigm only works when the sexual activity in question involves both a man and a woman. When you introduce a sexual situation which only involves men, this paradigm less becomes comfortable. Suddenly, rather than the activity being all about the man and the woman being a more-or-less passive participant, you have two men. Under this paradigm – and it is only natural for us to try and squeeze any situation into our current paradigm because we are comfortable with it – you are left with the problem that suddenly, one of the men must become passive and let it be all about the other man. Suddenly, a man has to subject himself to the needs and whims of another. This is a scenario that most men in our society cannot comprehend, and it makes them uncomfortable.
This passivity is something which men in our society have been taught to avoid as a rule. Indeed, in this sense, the idea of passively submitting to another man’s sexual prowess also collides with the competitive, athletic, and physical strength components of our understanding of masculinity.
Interestingly, some society’s – and even some segments of our own society – have dealt with this dissonance to some degree by only ostracizing gay men who take on the “passive” role in male-to-male sex. In our society, you can see this by the fact that many men seem to be disgusted by the idea of “taking it up the ass,” but remain relatively quiet about having anal sex with a receptive partner – male or female.
The solution to this, of course, is to develop a new paradigm of human sexuality that does not rely so heavily on a strict dichotomy between passive partners and active partners, as well as coming to appreciate the importance of a receptive – be it actively receptive or passively receptive – role in sex. Not only will this help undo the divide between masculinity and homosexuality, but it will force us to further explore a broader and deeper understanding of masculinity.
Comments (3)
I lived in Mexico City for sometime and the neighbor lady used to come over to "watch me do house work" it was so strange to her she asked her husban to tell me I could borrow here maid. A man doing housework was so odd to them.
DonPato
San Jose
Posted by DonPato | December 12, 2006 9:06 PM
Posted on December 12, 2006 21:06
Reminds me of a little debate on Fr. Jake's blog about whether or not homophobia has at its root a certain basic sexism, or fear of the feminine. Some have thought that this simply relegates all homosexual men to "sissies" which simply isn't the case.
Posted by Tracie | January 26, 2007 9:17 PM
Posted on January 26, 2007 21:17
MASCULINITY:
An Imposed Identity
Introduction
Let me explain why I felt it necessary to speak on this topic at this conference. For one thing I myself have experienced this male discrimination because I do not subscribe to the conventional standards of masculinity. I was 20 years old and at a dinner party when I became the center of attention because someone noted in a loud voice that “this guy looks like a Hijra (a transvestite).” In other words, he is not a man. At the moment, I felt as though my entire wujood (existence) had been thrown into a deep dark hole, an abyss of sorts. I did not understand why this was happening? Why did someone say this to me? What am I? This was an extremely formative experience in my idea of who I m today. It was only later that I realized that several others had experienced similar feelings related to their sexuality and I would like to acknowledge and express my gratitude to all those who, for the purposes of this presentation, shared their life histories and some deeply buried secrets and feelings with me regarding their experience of male discrimination. In all, I interviewed about 30 men- I am hesitant to call it research so I will refer to it as a sharing of experiences, I will be speaking to you about some of these people and I will share with you their experiences of imposed masculinity. I will convey these stories to you in the first person so that I myself can feel the stories and therefore more effectively recreate the experience for you
Case Studies
I really hate my mother. When I was 8 years old, I liked to stay at home and play with my sisters. This is what made me happy. But my mother told me that you should go out, where there are people, and where other little boys play. I really tried to convince my mother to let me sit and play indoors like my sisters but she forced me to go outside. The environment on the outside was a strange world for me. I didn’t know how to behave; I didn’t know how to play those games. I was a complete stranger but I had to spend time outside because I was a boy and there was no place for me inside the house. One day while I was outside, a man approached me and took me with him …and I was completely lost at the time …when he abused me…I have been raped at the age of 8…only, only because I had to be a man like all the other men and go play outside, I was not allowed to feel the way women and girls did when I was young.
As a result of this case study, we interviewed some people and posed the following question: Can a child possess both masculine and feminine traits? Most responded negatively and said, “No, a boy should be masculine and a girl should be feminine.”
Then we shared this case study with them and they said that this was very wrong and perhaps happened because the young boy was forced to be that which he was not.
When I was in class 10, I was good at my studies. I loved colors and I wanted to play with colors. They made me feel good. I loved to draw and paint but my family pushed me to choose commerce as my future career. I fought with them saying that I should be able to do what I enjoyed. But because I had to help my father in his business, which I wouldn’t be able to do by perusing a career in the arts, I was stopped by my family. After that day, my life has no color, it is colorless. My expression, my satisfaction with myself all vanished.
I want to be a dancer; I love to dance, I want rhythm in my life. Its okay, if sometimes I dance at home but I wanted to be a professional dancer. I wanted to use dance as an expression of myself. But the place where I worked, when the people there found out that I studied dance they started staying away from me. They alienated me because they felt that my learning dance was a sign that I m Hijra. And that working environment became unbearable for me. My boss started giving me such a hard time that I could no longer continue in that job. Then pressure from family, from friends saying why do you want to study dance? Don’t do it, don’t do it! So I gave up dancing because I had to exist in this society and, with it, I gave up the joy in my life that resulted from dance. Instead I joined a gym and started bodybuilding so that I could attain the physical standards of masculinity, so that I wouldn’t experience problems at work. But that thing, that life inside me died… all of it died.
I love the expression of people’s bodies in their clothes. I used to design clothes for myself and also started designing clothes for others. That was in my college years. I was good at it but after finishing my studies, when my professional life was becoming important, I was told that I should leave this line of work and get a proper job. And I really felt that when designing clothes, I felt the body, its internal energy. It was really joyful experience just designing a dress. But I couldn’t do it. May be nowadays it is more acceptable. But in my time it wasn’t as acceptable that a man should design clothes, especially women’s clothes.
People have sexual preferences. I had mine as well. Indeed, I have a sexual preference. But I am told that I should live my entire life with a person who I neither know nor do I wish to know. I don’t even wish to live with this person. I wish to live with my friends who are like me. I feel good around them. But no! I have to get married and have kids. But why? Why should I become an auzar (instrument of reproduction)? Today after living my entire life… my age today is 70 years…my sexuality is still 100% homosexual. I am only attracted to males. I can see and experience myself in men only. But because I couldn’t live like this I had to get married and live my life in a mechanical way, in a mechanical marriage. I have kids. My kids are also married. But I never experienced my homosexuality. Despite this my sexuality is still that. First because of my parents and siblings and now I have a wife and kids so I have never been able to experience a sexual life. Perhaps I will die soon and I have never experiences my sexuality. I don’t know who is responsible and who isn’t.
Conclusion
I have narrated above just some of the many case histories that were told to me and the levels of discrimination that each man was subjected to. In general, what happens when people encounter a more feminine-looking man is that people on the streets harass him. The police also engage in this harassment and abuse. Friends poke fun asking: why doesn’t u have a beard? Why is your hair long? Why are you standing in one way and not the other? In a way, from morning to night, 24 hours a day you are, in some shape or form, you are made aware that you do not meet the standards of masculinity. If you are not muscular enough, if you are not supporting yours family, if you do not use your power, if u do not tease women on the streets, if you are able to feel someone’s pain, if you are saddened by the news of a rape then you are not a man and you are subjected to taunts on the streets and in your home. All of this is happening, now. The people present here today should look at human discrimination in a large light because it is not just men discrimination against women; it is also women against women, men against men, etc. Sometimes religion is used as a crutch and sometimes it is something else. And, this overall oppression of society takes its toll. Gradually, and with out you even realizing it, all those beautiful feelings inside you that relate to your sexuality, your identity, and your understanding of your self start wilting away and eventually die. So this presentation is a request on behalf of myself and all those who shared their lives with me that all of you here today view sexuality and sexual health not just as matter of numbers but in a more holistic perspective that involves the heart and feelings, that is, the body, mind and spirit.
Discussion
Sexual preference
This is a bold step towards the discussion of sexual preference as a right accorded to each individual based purely on the humanity of that individual rather than weather he is a man or a woman. Perhaps there is a still “culture of silence” around the issue of sexual preference
Androgyny
Similarly, this presentation touches upon the issue of androgyny, of the reality that each human being possesses masculine as well as feminine traits and whether or not that person displays more masculine or more feminine traits is not relevant. Whether one is a man or women, or masculine or feminine, does not increase or decrease that person’s humanity.
This paper was present at the National conference of Aahung on Body, mind, and spirit in sexual health, February 13th to 15th, 2001 in Islamabad Pakistan
About the presenter
Imran Nafees Siddiqui
This study conducted by Imran Siddiqui aims to challenge existing notions of masculinity. Formal and informal discussions were held with males belonging to varying socio-economic groups in Karachi so as to understand and highlight real life experiences of the imposition of masculinity as an identity. By means of these case studies, this presentation thus explores the various stereotypes about masculinity that are held by Pakistani society at large and how these stereotypes reinforce notions of masculinity and affect constructions of the self.
Imran Nafees Siddiqui is a freelance theater consultant working in the field of sexual and reproductive health. He has successfully adapted theater as a means of conveying messages related to the promotion of sexual health and well-being. Mr. Siddiqui heads GAJAR, an organization that works for human development through art. Mr. Siddiqui received his bachelors’ degree in commercial commerce. He has been working in the field of sexual health since 1997 and has been involved in various projects such as a study of male prostitution, a study on homosexuality, and productions of theater workshops and plays.
Posted by Imran Nafees Siddiqui | May 9, 2007 2:29 PM
Posted on May 9, 2007 14:29