September 2004 Archives

Well, I hadn't originally planned on taking a short hiatus, but it appears that's what happened. It was a matter that I got so busy the last few days, that I just didn't take the time or find the energy to write an entry. Oh well, I think I needed the break, anyway.

I needed a break from life in general, I think. This afternoon, I took a two and a half hour nap and did hardly anything today. In fact, the only thing I did was go down to the park and go for my walk. I haven't been doing that for over a month now. Well, not regularly, at least. I've been walking here and there at different times, but I need to work on my consistency again.

My sister and her kids are away for a couple of days. They decided to drive down to New Jersey today and spend a couple nights with a friend my sister made while she and her husband were stationed down there. That means that I got a relatively quiet house all day. So I don't have to stay up until almost midnight to get two solid hours of peace and quiet before bedtime.

I'm finding I need that peace and quiet before I go to bed. It helps me to relax more, so I'm more ready to drift off to sleep. And anything that will help me drift off more easily is definitely a welcome change. I think that's part of why I'm still cutting back on my television watching so much. Not having my brain inundated by television is more mentally calming too. Though I watched more television this week than the previous week. That's partly because I decided to watch a couple of movies on DVD. I was in the mood to watch Blade Friday night (I didn't get home in time to watch it on TNT from the beginning). But I couldn't find my DVD. So I ended up watching The Matrix instead. Though now I'm going a little crazy wondering where that DVD got off to.

On Friday, I had to take my mother's miniature schnauzer to the groomer. We got his shaved down. He looks funny, but I'm getting used to the look. Instead of looking like a giant dust mop with legs, he now looks like a real dog. He still needs to be trimmed up around the chin a bit, but the groomer said she was having problems with him because the sound of the clippers bothered him. But she's sure that he'll get used to it after a couple of groomings. The next one will be in six to eight months. Hopefully, getting it done will convince Mom that regular grooming will help the poor guy with his skin problems.

On Saturday, I went to see my friends Mike and Amber. I finally got to meet their little bundle of legs, fur, and teeth, Shamrock. He's a twelve week old Italian Greyhound. And he's absolutely adorable, but he's a handful. He's about the only dog I've met that is more hyper than my mother's dog or my sister's black lab mix. And unlike either of those dogs, Shamrock is flexible enough to still chew on you if you try to hold him with your hand on the underside of his neck. But I didn't get any visible scratches, so it's all good.

As if last night's Mike wasn't enough of a surprise for me, he's gone and done it again tonight. I'm not sure how much more of this a guy can take. But I'd love to find out, that's for sure. I got another text message from him talking about the second. He asked me if I had any ideas on what we should do. Now, I do have some ideas, but as most of them involve a private room, nudity, and some degree of sweating, I won't write about them in depth. Besides, that's not what this is about right now.

He mentioned a few of his ideas, which he wasn't too sure about because of problems he's having with his cars. He mentioned that he had considered going to the Syracuse Mall or touring some caverns about 100 miles away. When I read this, I was a bit shocked. He's talking about day trips here! Considering that one of my biggest points of contention in the last year has been that the time we spend together is usually for rather short periods of time (four hours or less), this was a pleasant experience. It strikes me that he's really trying to make some plans for some extended time this time around. And without recent prompting from me, no less.

I also like the fact that he specifically mentioned going to the Syracuse Mall. It's something he's talked about in the sense of "we should do that sometime" for the last couple years. So it's quite nice to actually hear him talk about it with a definite date attached. Even if we can't go this time because neither of our cars are up to the trip. It's just nice to know that he's thinking in more definite terms than "someday" now. It's really doing my heart good.

I really wonder what caused this change. I'm enjoying it immensely. And who knows, maybe he'll start being more assertive and aggressive in general now. I can only hope.

I got a pleasant surprise from Mike. First of all, I got a text message from him. Not that this is a surprise, mind you. He sends me a text message at least two times a week, any more. He finds it more convenient than email. I can't imagine how, though. It takes way too much work to enter in any message of any length. But he manages to do it somehow. But like I said, that's not the surprising part of the email. The surprising part was part of the content.

He asked me what I was doing 2 October. He suggested that it would be a good day to get together if I was available. The only thing I was worried about is that my sister is planning a small birthday party for her oldest child and our father that weekend. So naturally, I had to make a frantic call home to find out when the party was. My luck turned out good, because she's planning the party for Friday night. So I'm free on Saturday. I was glad to hear this, because if she planned the party on Saturday. I was going to have a quandary. Gosh darn it, it's not every day that Mike messages me out of the blue and asks if I can get together with him on a certain day. And saying no on one of the few occasions he did would've just about killed me.

That's what really surprised me. It's been almost a month since I've asked him when we're going to be able to get together. Usually, I feel like I have to hound him and pester him to get an answer. And naturally, that leaves me feeling upset. After all, it's disheartening to feel like you have to pester your own boyfriend just to get time with him. So when he pretty much found a date and brought it up pretty much "out of the blue," it really lifted my spirits. It was good to get the feeling like he was putting in the effort to find some "us time."

Of course, in fairness, he probably puts in that effort a lot of times. Just I'm usually such a go-getter that I tend to start asking about it quite quickly. So most of it is probably just perceptual on my part. But it's nice to have this one instance. It really helps me to relax and soothe the insecurities.

I will occasionally use the word "Wicca" in my diary. Due to the state of affairs in the world, I figured I should probably make it clear what I mean when I say this word. You see, I don't use the word as it's generally used in the general Pagan community. In fact, if you hear my say "Wicca" and you immediately start thinking about anything that's been written in a book published by Llewellyn or a similar author, you're on the wrong page. For that reason, I would like to give my explanation of what I mean when I say "Wicca" so we all stay on the same page when reading my diary.

I believe that Wicca is an Oathbound (that means it involves solemn vows which include vows to keep certain secrets), initiatory ("only a Witch can make a Witch"), mystery (the core of the religion must be experienced through ecstatic revelation rather than academically believed) religion that originated in the New Forest region of England. The Wicca (which is the collective term used to refer to all initiates of this religion) are those people who can trace their initiatory lineage back to that region (usually through Sybil Leek or Gerald Gardner).

Anything else may be a form of witchcraft (after all, there are other forms of witchcraft than Wicca). It certainly might be Paganism. But it is not Wicca. Silver Ravenwolf is not Wicca. Scott Cunningham was a Wiccan initiate, but his books are not about Wicca. They are about Paganism and witchcraft. And they have some great gems of insight in them. His "Guide for the Solitary Practitioner" was the first Pagan book I ever read and I still cherish where it brought me. But what it described has some remarkable difference from the Wicca I'm coming to discover and love.

I think it would also be good to point out that by my own definition, I'm not one of the Wicca. It's my goal to eventually develop the necessary bonds with a coven and become an initiate, and I believe it will happen in the gods' good time. But for now, I'm content to be a generic, non-Wiccan witch. (I bring this up just to hopefully mitigate the accusations of "elitist bastard" that will be coming my way.) Because of this, I try to be very careful when I talk about Wicca. Because I am speaking as an outsider. An outsider that's trying to get on the inside, but an outsider nonetheless. As such, my statements about Wicca -- while as accurate as I can make them in my careful research -- should not be considered entirely authoritative. (They will also be apt to change as I get my butt kicked by the gods and/or those who are initiates and I learn my errors. Ah the joy of learning a path!)

For those who wish to know what Wicca is -- and to get a close idea of how it differs from the Neo-Wicca that many authors write about these days -- I would encourage you to pick up a copy of Gerald Gardner's two books. They are "Witchcraft Today" and "The Meaning of Witchcraft." These two books tell a lot about the Craft of the New Forest region than most other books combined. (I particularly encourage people to note Gardner's descriptions and discussions of the God of Wicca and compare it to what most modern authors have to say. I sincerely believe that a careful reading of this will demonstrate one of the largest differences between Wicca and Neo-Wicca.) Another book I'd recommend is Vivianne Crowley's "Wicca: The Old Religion in the New Millennium." She's written a delightful book on Wiccan ritual. In her writings, her education in psychology really shines through.

Now, I'm not going to argue with people who call themselves Wicca despite not meeting my definition. My intent is not to invalidate anyone's beliefs (though I find myself wondering how calling one's beliefs by a name that doesn't fit in my opinion serves to "validate" those beliefs" anyway.) And I'm not here to start playing the "definition police." However, this is my diary, and as such, I intend to use words as I understand them. And as such, I felt it important to make it clear what I mean when I talk about Wicca.

It's a bit crazy here tonight. The kids are really carrying on. Their mother is currently working on rounding them up and sending them to bed. As I sit here listening to their insanity, I find myself wondering how long it's going to take them to calm down and actually fall asleep. I half suspect that we're going to end up wishing that we had some tranquilizers or something. Ah well, hopefully I'll get a few quiet hours before I head for bed. Besides, I got plenty of quiet time earlier today. So I can't complain.

When my sister was getting ready to go to her in-laws, I decided to take a quick nap. I figured that I needed it after staying up until after 1am. I was planning a nice short nap, but I ended up dozing for a full two hours. Oops! But I think I needed it, so it was all good.

Once I got done napping, I decided to read Witchcraft Today. I had three chapters left to read and I decided to finish it tonight. That way, it's all fresh for the book discussion. I do need to reread chapter two though. I plan on rereading each chapter as we start to discuss it, and Brian just called for the start of the chapter two discussion.

I've enjoyed reading the book this time around. Last time I read it (I think that was back in this past winter), I didn't get as much out of it. I guess I'm just in a better mental space to be able to appreciate what I'm reading this time. (I remember reading many of the quotes from the "What Gardner Said" site I love and being surprised at what I didn't remember, so I was glad to reread it anyway.) One of the things that I'm really noticing this time around is the number of times he repeats certain things. He tells about certain beliefs or about certain practices multiple times. In fact, there were a few times that I had to make sure I didn't accidentally "jump back" in the book because it sounded so familiar. Though each time he repeated something, I usually noticed he phrased it a bit differently or seemed to almost look at "another angle." (Not exactly, but I don't know how to express it better.) I'm thinking that these repetitions and the subtle differences in the presentation might be good to look into. I'm thinking at some point, I might reread with an eye to writing down the repeated material, copying what is said each time to look at it all side by side at some point. I'm not sure if it'll prove worthwhile, but I think there's only one way to find out.

One of the Wicca I know has studied the historical practices of various crafts. Most notably, he's studied the craft of blacksmithing, and under the right circumstances, he can talk about the practice at some length.

Most interesting about his knowledge of and love for the smith's art, however, is a particular pet peev he's expressed a few times. And that's his pet peev about how some perceive the blacksmith's trade. You see, most people (myself included, I'm afraid) who start thinking about the art of ironwork immediately think of images of swords burning in teh furnace and being pounded out to strong, cutting blades between the anvil and hammer. Or they see the creation of shields, armor, or other instruments of war. However, after listening to talk of such image, B always manages to remind us to keep perspective. As he rightfully points at, the craft of armor and weapons has historically been a tiny part of the smith's trade. Much more of his time was spent forging daily items that one would need for their lives. The smith would build far more iron cooking utensils, nails, and other such daily necessities in a month than the number of swords and breastplates he'd pound out in years. Isn't it funny how we tend to forget things like that? We focus on the weapons and armor because we find the "flashy" or "fantastic," while forgetting the real work -- the work that most likely kept him fed on a regular basis -- of the blacksmith.

As I thought about this memory today at lunch, it occurred to me that Pagans on the whole (and here I go stereotyping again) tend to do this with more than the blacksmith's craft. We spend a lot of time looking at the "goodies" of our religion while ignoring the "daily necessities." How often do we talk about the spells we do or know, yet don't talk about the daily devotion or self-discipline that we place upon ourselves? How often do we speak of our Sabbats, and yet never discuss the careful planning, preparation, and other work that we endure before and after that make them so great? How often do we focus on the fantastic -- such as the experience we had when we came into contact with a spirit that one day -- while completely ignoring the changes in diet, exercise, and our general lifestyles that we need to make to better prepare our bodies for such experiences?

I'm as guilty as anyone. I'm doing my best when I have those "flash in the pan" kinds of experiences. I get on a spiritual high and I can do all kinds of things. And yet, I have yet to manage to get my meditation schedule to be as regular as I feel it should be. And my daily religious devotion needs a lot of work, there's no denying it.

I think that's what I like about the Wicca I know. They're so down to earth. I have sat in some of their homes and had incredibly ordinary discussions. Oh sure, we have our discussions that involve "witch stuff." But it's interspersed with discussions about pets, work, politics, and the fact that they need to clean and winterize the pool out back. And none of these discussion topics are treated as particularly more "special" than the others. It's a completely different attitude that I don't always see elsewhere, even in my own life.