April 2007 Archives

Yesterday evening was rather pleasant. After getting out of work, I ended up running over to Psychic's Thyme. Michele was on duty and I had hoped to spend a bit of time chatting with her. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, as she was busy actually doing readings. We were both disappointed, but glad she was getting the work, as it meant a little extra money for her.

Because both she and Lisa were pretty busy with readings, I ended up minding the store with George. This was good, as George actually had to leave at about twenty minutes before closing due to another commitment. So I spent my time keeping an eye on things and even spent a bit of time talking to one of the of the customers who was interested in getting a reading. I answered her questions about what readers worked the next few days and what services each one offered. She seemed like a pretty nice girl, and I get the impression she'll be in on Saturday.

Michele had something of a family situation brewing, so she had to leave a few minutes early. So I stuck around a bit extra and helped make sure Lisa was okay before taking off myself. Once out of there, I decided to run to Applebee's for dinner. While there, I read several pages in Witch in the Bedroom, a book I picked up about a month ago. So far, I've really enjoyed it. I plan on doing one of the exercises out of it this weekend. It's the exercise about writing a vision letter, and I have all kinds of ideas for one running through my head. It should be an interesting experience, I think.

After I got done with dinner and reading, I decided to run to the mall for a short walk. I had originally planned on going back to Genesee Valley Park for a walk, but the threat of rain intimidated me. So I spent about a half hour wandering the halls and through various stores. It was enjoyable, and I even got treated to some pretty good eye candy. It wasn't quite as pleasant as being out along the canal or watching shirtless college students playing softball, but I enjoyed myself well enough.

While chatting to me online last night, my friend, Panda, commented to me that she barely recognized the shy, introverted, inscure boy she first befriended about a decade ago. And she's absolutely right. I'm hardly that person I was back when she and I met and she helped me make it through some of the most emotionally trying times of my life. I'm not sure I could point to an exact time when I transformed into the self-confident, flirtatious, and occasionally intimidating guy that I am today. To be honest, I think it was a process and there's no single "flash point" I could point to anyway. It just progressed as time went on.

In many ways, I think I was always the person I am today, even back then. I just didn't fully realize it. But as I've walked that path and allowed myself to discover my inner strengths and source of confidence, I've become more and more myself. I've found a comfort with myself that, if I take the time to really think about, I never really knew before. And that's fantastic.

Of course, as I think about it, I also think of some of those qualities I always have had -- and even exhibited back before I punched through my shell and exploded into the world -- and I hope that they are still equally visible. For example, I don't want the fact that I'm now quite friendly, outgoing, flirtatious, and willing to actually say a number of things to ever negate the fact that I'm a good listener and able to give people a shoulder to cry on.

Oh, I know I'll never lose those qualities. They're as much a part of me as these new aspects of my personality are. They always will be. But I hope that they continue to remain visible rather than getting obscured by my ability and desire to be more outgoing and forthright.

In reality, I think that won't be a problem in the long run. Right now, I'm exploring something new in my life and a new dimension of my being. I suppose that to some degree, it's only appropriate that it get a little extra focus and even be a bit emphasized. But my fondest desire is to eventually find a way to integrate it all so that it feels and looks like a complete whole rather than fractionalized and somewhat conflicting pieces trying to coexist. After all, I want to be a complete whole, and all of these things are what make the whole of me.

Back on Tuesday, Pisco listed ten tangible things he'd appreciate. I thought it was a neat idea and decided to do the exercise myself. Now I'm actually following through with that decision.

1. A walking partner.
2. A stable, somewhat assertive, compassionate, communicative, and passionate guy to share my life with.
3. An all-expenses paid trip for two to some exotic place.
4. A couple more good friends.
5. A hot tub.
6. A full body massage.
7. A paid holiday to work on my writing
8. A new wardrobe
9. A night of dancing
10. More opportunities to practice my tarot reading

One of the great paradoxes involved in getting out more is that becoming more active gives me a great deal more things to blog about while at the same time severely decreasing the amount of time I find to actually do the blogging part. For example, I still have something from Friday night's comedy show that I want to blog about. And yet, here it is almost a week later, and I still haven't found or made the time to write it down. And I haven't mentioned the stroll my father and I took through Genesee Valley Park Monday evening, which is also worth noting. But for this post, I think I will stick to the subject of Friday night.

At one point during her show, Vickie Shaw asked any straight people in the audience to indicate their presence by applauding. Becky, who had agreed to accompany me that night, was one of three or four people who applauded. Of course, Vickie took this time to have a bit of fun assuring them that gay people actually like straight people, "We just don't want you teaching our children." She also made some comment about understanding that straight people just couldn't help that they were straight. The whole thing was funny simply because of the reversal of the more common situation involved. Needless to say, Becky was thoroughly embarassed by the whole thing.

As we were driving out of the hotel's parking garage, Becky commented on the incident, and asked if it bothered me to be in the reverse situation (often being the only gay person in a sea of heterosexuals) and made me as uncomfortable as that point in the show made her. I laughed and told her that no, I've been there enough that I've made my peace with such a situation.

At first, Becky didn't understand this. She pointed out that she had been in similar situations before, and yet she found herself slightly uncomfortable every time. I nodded, but pointed out that there was still a difference. Even if she had such an experience once a month -- or even once a week -- it still wouldn't quite compare to living that experience almost every minute of almost every day.

To the best of my knowledge, the most reproducible statistics say that gay and bisexual people make up between two and three percent of the population. Those are pretty low statistics, and it means that the probability of me being the only gay person in any given situation is pretty high. And even in cases where I'm not, it's likely that there's just one or two other kindred souls in the situation. That's life, and you learn to get used to it or you drive yourself batty.

Of course, it helps when you join groups specifically for gay and bisexual people. One of the things I like about attending game nights and ImageOut events is that it does put my in places full of kindred souls. There's a great deal of comfort in that.

But ultimately, the time comes -- at least for those of us who don't want to move to places like San Francisco -- when life requires us to return to the wider world. And learning to deal with that is a matter of survival and mental health. Indeed, it's best to learn to not only survive, but thrive in that situation. It's a matter of rising to the occasion and building up a strength that can carry you through -- and onward and upward.

Tonight, since I didn't manage to hook up with anyone to start making plans for weekly meditation, I decided to run over to Border's and catch the second hour of the Witches Meetup that happens every fourth Tuesday there. I had a chance to see a lot of faces I haven't seen in quite a few months and even met someone new. Overall, I had a good time.

I do think I scared Kevin when I got leaving. As I said goodbye to her, Wendy told me to be good. I invoked my usual line, asking, "Can't I just be good at it instead." Kevin made the mistake of asking me what I was going to be good at. This naturally had to be responded to with wagging eyebrows and a rather devious "Wouldn't you like to know?" His expression was priceless. I guess he'll have to learn to think about whether he's ready for an answer before he asks any open ended questions like that again.

At one point, I had Wendy do Reiki on my neck and back. I've been feeling tense again lately. Several times, she commented on how much heat and pain she was getting while she worked on me, and even asked what I'd been doing. I told her I've just been really stressed. Fortunately, she understood.

I forgot how much fun the Tuesday night Meetup can be. Due to meditation, it's rare that I get to go, which is unfortunate. There are a lot of people who go there but don't necessarily get out to other events. I enjoy talking to them. I may have to see about making sure I'm not doing meditation on that Tuesday night from now on so that I can skip and go to the meetup instead. After all, it's one more opportunity for socializing, right?

A while back, Seething Mom was kind enough to post a link to my coming out story on her website. Apparently, this has led at least one other blogger to mistakenly assume that I'm Seething Mom's son.

I discovered this fact this evening when I checked my site statistics and saw a large influx of visitors from Rising Up Whole. Naturally curious as to who's linking to me, I paid a visit. And while I'm certainly grateful for the added attention the post over there has brought to my story, I'm sorry that there's been a bit of a confusion over the relationship between myself and Seething Mom.

So to clarify to anyone who might be confused, Seething Mom and I are just friends. I found her diary originally through a mutual friends. Since then, I've had the pleasure of communicating with her via blog posts and comments and even a couple of emails. However, I am not her son. I only wish I was. ;)

Originally, I had planned on spending a couple hours at Seneca Park Zoo today. It's been quite a few months since my last visit, so it seemed like a good idea. However, when I got there and saw how full the parking lot was, I realized that the place was going to be packed. As such, I came up with a quick plan B and headed for Genesee Valley Park instead.

I haven't been to Genesee Valley Park since I went there for the Pride Picnic last July. I was a bit worried that I'd have trouble finding it again, but everything came back to me as I drove down Elmwood Avenue. In fact, I found the turn I should've taken to park next to the area the picnic was in last year. So I spent a good amount of time just wandering around the paths.

For those not familiar with the Rochester area, the park straddles a section of the Erie Canal, cutting it neatly in half. The picture to the left is of the foot bridge that connects the two halves of the park. I wandered along the paths along the east side of the canal. As I crossed another foot bridge, I noticed a group of people kayaking along the canal. I grabbed a quick shot of a couple of them.

One of the things that truly surprised me in my wandering is just how small of a space this city is packed into. After I crossed the bridge where I saw the kayakers, I soon found myself passing under a highway. I was quite surprised to discover that this was not only I-390, but it was near the south bound exit to get onto West Henrietta Road by way of the East River Road. considering I had taken that exit to get onto West Henrietta Road and then drove a mile to get to Elmwood Avenue and eventually to my parking spot in the park, I was surprised to find myself able to get back to this spot with just a few minutes of walking along a path.

As I continued my walk, I quickly found another path under the highway. Here, I found a nice little resting area snuggled under the highway. I could just image sitting there with a walking partner (especially one I was also romantically involved with) and taking a brief rest while we shared a quiet conversation. The idyllic nature of the scene comes to my mind quite easily.

My wanderings eventually took me beyond the bounds of the park. The Canal Path seems to go on endlessly. In fact, I find myself wondering if it isn't all part of the path I followed when I walked along the canal in Pittsford. It wouldn't surprise me.

I followed the canal path for a while, but eventually turned back. However, instead of taking the direct route back into the park, I decided to follow a side path which took me up through part of the University of Rochester and by Strong Memorial Hospital. This eventually dropped me back into the path via the road I originally drove in on. It made for a nice circuit.

One thing I noticed in the walk was the number of cyclists who were sharing the route with me. I was quite impressed by their courtesy. I noticed that more than one rang a small bell (presumably installed for just this purpose) to let me know that they were coming up on me. This would give me the chance to get over to one side, for which they would thank me as they passed.

In the park itself, I passed a number of people who were just relaxing, sunning themselves, or playing frisbee. I even passed a small cluster of college guys who were playing softball (though I get the impression they were doing so with a tennis ball, which struck me as somewhat odd). A number of them were playing shirtless due to the heat of the day, and naturally I had to ogle them. I even managed to snap a picture of the one.

To be honest, this is one of those experiences that remind me just how much I like to go for walks. I think this will become a regular part of my weekend activities. Though I do hope I can find a friend to share the experience with.

Yesterday, I got up around 9:30am, shaved, and hopped into the shower. Once I took care of a few other odds and ends, I hopped into my car and made the drive down to Elmira to see my friend, Mike. I hadn't seen him in over a year, as I've been rather busy up here in the Rochester area most weekends. It was great to catch up with him, and he certainly needed a friendly face, seeing as his marriage just recently ended. I was both surprised and saddened to hear that. I was the best man at his wedding back in 2005, and they seemed like a great couple. But things can change over time.

Surprisingly, he and I seem to be going through a lot of the same inner processes right now. It turns out that he too is going through this realization that he needs to treat himself more and get out more. He's actually started going out to a movie every weekend, which is a radical change for him. I think it'll be good for him however. We got talking about both our growing senses that we needed to get out more, which made it nice that we could relate. We then watched a few episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus before I had to get back on the road.

After that, I ran to Dansville to see my friend, Belinda. She was housesitting for her parents this weekend, and she invited me to come see her. Michele had also decided to come spend the afternoon and evening there, so we had a good time. When I arrived, they were watching a movie on Lifetime. It was a pretty interesting movie, and they filled me in on enough details that I could enjoy the ending. After that, we decided to run to the truckstop for dinner and had a great time talking there. The food was pretty good, as usual. We eventually paid and went to Belinda's parents' home. When we got there, I popped in the DVD I bought at the Vickie Shaw show last night. Belinda and Michele both absolutey loved it, and the three of us laughed ourselves silly. I found it particularly interesting because the DVD was from her tour back in 2000. It was interesting to see how her act had changed since then. For example, Sargent Pach was just "her girlfriend" back in 2000 and didn't play quite as big a part in her act back then. Though there were some elements that were quite familiar, such as the whole "sexual peak" segment. Overall, the DVD was a riot, but I think I liked last night's act better. It just seemed more developed and refined. And I suppose that seven years later, that only makes sense.

Belinda and Michele have already told me that they'd love to go if Ms. Shaw is ever in the area next time. So I promised them that if I got any announcements about future shows, I'll be sure to get four tickets that time. Who knows? Maybe by then I'll have reason to get a fifth ticket. Hope springs eternal, after all.

This evening, I picked up Becky at her apartment and headed over to the Clarion Riverside Hotel to catch Vickie Shaw doing her comedy act. Before I saw the announcement a month ago that ImageOut was sponsoring her for a one night act in the area, I had never heard of her before. All that I can say is that I now know what I've been missing.

Vickie Shaw does an incredible standup routine that mostly focuses on her life, her relationship with Sargent Patch, her relationship with her kids and other family members, and her general outlook on life. She then salts this routine by having a bit of fun with the stereotypes about gay men and lesbians. Her delivery is accentuated by her personality, which is the essence of southern refinement with a coarser edge. (Or maybe it's the other way around, it's hard to say.)

Some of my favorite lines from tonight's act are as follows:

"I told you I love you once. If I change my mind, I'll let you know!"

"We gay people think you straight people out there are just fine. We just don't want you teaching our kids."

"And the baby dykes scream, 'No! I dont want to wear it!'" (Talking about little girls and Easter dresses.)

The entire show was an hour long stream of stories and jokes which kept us all laughing. After her act was over, she held a question and answer session, inviting the audience to ask her anything. At this point, Ms. Shaw demonstrated that she was not only a comic genius, but an intelligent and deeply thoughtful woman. This particularly became clear when she spoke about the stand-up comic business and the difficulty that lesbians and gay men -- the latter more especially -- face in trying to make it in the business.

After everything was over, I took Becky around and introduced her to some familiar faces. I also made a point of taking a moment to speak with Ms. Shaw and thank her for such an enjoyable experience. I also bought a copy of her DVD, "Vickie Shaw Live." I plan on tormenting Belinda with it tomorrow evening.

It was a spectacular night, and I'm glad I went. Becky had a great time too, an being able to share the experience with a friend certainly added to the overall experience. And if I ever get a chance to catch Ms. Shaw's act again, you better believe I'll jump all over it.

This has been a pretty rough week at work for me. I've spent most of it trying to reproduce a bug so that I can analyze and fix it. Unfortunately, due to technical issues, I haven't been able to reproduce it. And of course, because this bug has been outstanding for quite a few weeks (I just recently inherited responsibility for it from another coworker, and have only been working on it for a week, personally), everyone's chomping at the bit to get it fixed already. And I've made absolutely no progress on it -- not for a lack of trying mind you.

And then, I've had other technical problems with my other tasks too. For those familiar with Murphy's Law, I've officially joined the ranks of those who insist Murphy was an optimist. Let's just say that enough things went wrong and my frustration levels got high enough that I very seriously considered leaving work this afternoon and calling in sick tomorrow. When I told Michele that, she blinked and said that was totally unlike me. Well, that's how stressful things got.

Fortunately, after talking to my boss and then spending an hour or so with Michele and Belinda after work, my stress levels came right down. So with any luck, I'll have a much better day tomorrow. Or at least I should be able to manage it better. Or so I'm hoping.

For the past couple of days, I've been debating with myself about what I wanted to do tonight. A COAP member was hosting a dart night over at Nasty D's pub. And while I don't play darts (the thought of me throwing sharp, pointy projectiles is too frightening for words), I seriously considered going anyway just to hang out and chat with those playing. After all, it would be another opportunity to meet people and hang out with others.

But at the same time, I found myself wondering if it might be better for me to stay home. After all, I've been busy every other evening this weekd. And even tomorrow evening, I'm booked with the Vickey Shaw comedy show. On top of that, my body is giving me clear signals that I need to slow down a bit and get more rest. So I found my desire to make good of yet another fantastic opportunity to change my isolation battling agaisnt my growing realization that even though I need to spend regular time in the company of others, I also need some time to recuperate. Trying to decide which argument was going to win out was not easy.

Fortunately for me, circumstances have changed in such a way that it makes the decision moot. Last night, when I checked my email, I discovered that dart night has been postponed until next week. So this frees me to go home, put in a movie, and just generally chill without worrying about missed opportunities.

Of course, I suspect I'll face the same choice next week. However, with any luck, I will be more rested and can schedule down-time for a different evening.

This weekend, I rented and watched The Birdcage. This is one of those movies that I love to watch every now and then, as it never fails to make me laugh. Of course, this time, I also noticed another reason I loved this movie.

When Val first asks Armand to "tone down" the house and "act straight" during his future in-laws' visit, Armand responds quite negatively and vehemently. The groom-to-be's father indicates quite clearly that he is a "middle aged fag" and happy with himself. He further goes on to point out that he didn't spend years getting to the point he was at to hide now. In fact, it's my memory of that speech that inspired me to rent the movie for this weekend.

That statement reflects the driving principle of myself right now, self-acceptance and self-expression. After all, these are the central themes of not only gay pride, but pride in general. It's the growing realization of who I am, what I want to be, what I like, and what I want. Beyond realization, it's the constant choice of embracing these things and seeking them out. It is the never-ending choice of being true to myself and the deep desires of my being and allowing nothing to deter me from it.

Of course, I think I can really identify with this movie because it hits close to home in another way. Towards the end, Barbara's father asks her how many other lives she must "ruin" in order to be happy. While such a question is over the top and unfair, it does point out that while it's easy to take an outlook of "the world be damned" in general, our choices do affect those close to us in various ways. And that's never an easy thing to grapple with.

I'm struggling with this in my own life right now. For various reasons, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I need to put a pride sticker on my car. And in many ways, it's something I want to do, because it's important to me. And yet, for the last few years, I have refrained from doing so because of the problems it could cause in my family. After all, I drive this car to family reunions and similar events.

To be honest, if my only concern was that certain members in my extended family would give me grief over it, I'd go ahead anyway. I've accepted that some of my relatives are self-righteous jerks, and I'm perfectly fine with that. After all, I don't really have to spend any time with them. After all, I don't even have to go to family functions, and have certainly skipped a significant number of them in the past.

However, I also know that those same family members would not restrict themselves to making comments to me. I know they will most likely make comments to my parents. I've seen them do it in the past. I listened as they made hurtful comments to another aunt and uncle when their own daughter made choices that the rest of the family decided were "inappropriate" and "immoral." And the thought of my own parents going through such an experience because of my choices is a bitter pill to swallow.

And yet, I'm coming to realize that it's still my life. It's still my choice. And making my choices for my parents' sake rather than following my own path is ultimately just another way of failing to be true to myself. So as painful as it may be, I know I need to follow my own heart and hope my parents find the strength to endure.

As friends are doing the "six weird things about me" meme, I decided I wanted to play along. Of course, I'm still struggling with the whole fact that enough of my life is weird that I'm not sure how to pick six "exceptionally weird" things to list. But at any rate, here goes:

1. I don't like revealing skirts or shorts. Both should come down to the point where the knees are just barely visible.
2. My favorite musical of all time is "Sweeny Todd."
3. I don't really see what everyone sees in Brad Pitt.
4. I usually cry at some point during animated movies.
5. I love Frank Peretti's books.
6. At least seven times out of ten, given the choice between the two, I'd choose a nice long cuddle over sex. Of course, if I can have both at the same time, all the better.

I think most of the people who read my blog have already done those, so I'm not going to bother tagging anyone.

In my last post, I left out an amusing anecdote from the lunch trip with Mindy and Belinda. When we went to lunch, Min ended up driving because both Belinda's car and my own were filled with junk. So we all piled into the cleanest car of the three. I noticed a couple of Hawaiian leis hanging over the front passenger seat. I commented on how beautiful they were, and Min offered to let me take one. After pondering whether I felt okay with it, I decided to accept her generous offer. I ended up choosing the one that had light blue and lavender (there's that color again!) flowers. The other one was pretty too, but this one was more subdued, and therefore seemed more appropriate for me. I ended up wearing it for the rest of the day. Naturally, this resulted in many jokes along the lines of the title of this post.

It was quite funny to notice the reaction many people had throughout the day. After all, I wore this in Psychic's Thyme for the rest of the afternoon, and at the restaurant when Michele, Belinda, and I decided to have dinner together at Red Robin. And I wore it into the two convenience stores I stopped at later that night. According to Michele, the people a few tables away from us in Red Robbin kept staring at me like they were trying to figure out why I was wearing it, as did one of the waitresses. The girl at the Kwik Fill actually came out and asked if I was planning on going out that night or something. Of course, I also got a lot of compliments on it, as everyone thought it was quite pretty. What can I say, I like pretty things. In some ways, I do fit the stereotypes about gay men.

I had considered wearing it again today, but realized I had no shirts clean that it would really go with. Today, I'm wearing a rainbow-color shirt whose colors are just too bright and loud to match the more subdued pastels of the lei. It wouldn't have looked the same as it did against my white "2QT2BSTR8" tee shirt. I might have also been able to get away with my white tee shirt with the rainbow-colored cats embroidered on it. The rainbow colors on that shirt are also bright and somewhat loud, but I think that given that most of the shirt is white, it would still work.

So over the next several weeks, I suspect I'll wear the silly thing off and on. I think that's mostly because it is silly, and I'm in the mood to express a little bit of silliness. Plus I like the idea of wearing something that I consider pretty.

After deciding to take a night to myself and watching movies on Friday night, I decided to return to the business of exploring my more social nature yesterday. As Michele was working at Psychic's Thyme, I decided to go there for part of the day and hang out with her. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Belinda was also there. As it turns out Belinda had invited her daughter, Min, to stop in and visit too. I have to admit that I had a bit of fun giving Min a hard time, and received at least as well as I gave.

Min and Belinda decided to go to lunch and invited me to go along. I graciously accepted, and we ended up going to the Chinese Buffet in Jefferson Plaza in Henrietta. We had a pleasant lunch and a great conversation. On the way back to the shop, Min took us to her apartment so that Belinda could see it. Min was kind enough to not make me wait in the car. Given the guy we ran into on the way into the apartment building, I was grateful for that.

We parked on the street behind this kid (well, he was probably in his early twenties) who was getting stuff out of his SUV. We headed for the apartment building, only to discover that the young man had the same destination in mind. As I reached the door first, I held it open for the ladies and even waiting the few extra seconds to hold it for the other guy who was just a few steps behind us. Of course, this meant that he passed me, thereby giving me an excellent opportunity to check him out. Naturally, I made excellent use of such an opportunity. Belinda caught me and waited long enough to accuse me of "shameful behavior" once the young man was out of earshot. I simply pointed out to her that I'd actually have to have shame first, and that my lack of shame made it shameless behavior.

Of course, Belinda was pretty sneaky herself. As the three of us approached the small elevator in the building, the same man was busy loading his stuff into the small car. Min waved me to step into the elevator myself and then told Belinda to get in. Instead, she chose to wait for the elevator to come back. She later told me I "owed her" for letting me have some time with the guy alone. Considering we hardly even spoke, I don't feel I owe her anything.

After checking out the apartment and chatting for a bit, we headed back to the shop. Min said her goobyes, as she had work that afternoon. Belinda and I spent the rest of the day hanging out and chatting until the shop closed. As a result, I get to know Tobie and her kids better, which was a pleasure.

I realized just how much I like hanging out there. Psychic's Thyme is one of those places where I feel socially comfortable. It's a place where I have a sense of how I fit in, and I can usually get a conversation going with someone. But it's also a place where I feel confident saying hello to the random people who come and go through the day. I realized it's perfectly natural for me to greet customers as they enter and say goodbye as they leave. This is especially beneficial in those situations where those actually working there are busy with other matters (like ringing a purchase up) and therefore aren't able to do so themselves. And of course, if a customer is in the mood to make a bit of conversation while shopping, I've found I can do that as well.

I hope that as I continue to come to Equal Grounds and attend various COAP events, I find myself develop a similar sense of safety and self-confidence there. In reality, that's exactly what I need, so that I can feel safe enough opening up and even taking some initiative in building friendships.

Last night, as planned, I headed over to The Golden Port to meet other COAP members for a late dinner. I arrived a bit late, but found the large group. I ended up sitting down on one end. Marlena sat across from me. I didn't catch the name of the gentleman who sat to my right. When he came, a man by the name of Sam sat to my left.

I haven't entirely made up my mind about how I feel about the experience, to be honest with you. This is because it was a chaotic dinner and there were both high points and low points. I've pretty much decided that I need to attend the same dinner next month and possibly the one after that before I make up my mind about whether I'm going to continue going to them.

In fairness to the group, I was tired by the time I got there. I had worked until 7pm that evening, and my shift had been mentally exhausting. Combine that with the general physical inactivity of a desk job, and you have a state of being that didn't quite put me at my peak for socializing, anyway. Add to that the fact that my natural shyness and tendency towards introversion was trying to assert itself at the same time, and I have to admit that I was not in my element to begin with.

Now, add to this the fact that most of the other dinner-goers had just come from the business forum. Both Zara and Jennie talked to me about the business forum, but I really don't understand much about it other than (1) it serves as a monthly fundraiser for Pride and (2) it involves the consumption of alcohol. So I was tired, feeling introverted, and surrounded by a group of people who were all intoxicated to some degree or another. This is not a good combination when you're empathically gifted. So I spent a couple moments at various points in the dinner just trying to get my already work-addled mind to put my shielding exercises to effective use.

Then there was the minor issue of the fact that I was a newcomer entering into a group situation where everyone else knew each other and were great friends for the most part. I think it's difficult for all but the most socially agressive people to find a way to break in on that sort of situation. So I was finding it difficult to get involved in the conversations that I was able to hear and follow through all the chaos.

Sam and I did talk a bit, however. We didn't say anything earth shattering, mind you. But I will admit that he was a bit more outgoing than the others seated immediately around me, which helped me break the ice a bit better. He was quite funny, and I was able to warm up a bit more after his arrival, for which I'm grateful.

Also, towards the end of the meal, Zara got up from her seat and wandered around so that she could say hello to those who were too far from her while she was eating. She came down and spoke to Sam and I for a while, which was a nice experience. Even that brief conversation improved my own experience a great deal. She told me about the business forum, and encouraged me to attend that as well next month. I haven't made a final decision, though I am certainly considering it. I asked her if they also serve non-alcoholic beverages (the only thing more trying than being an empath around intoxicated people is being an intoxicated empath around intoxicated people -- and possibly even sober people), which I don't think she ever actually answered, come to think of it. Of course, she made sure that Sam and I had been introduced and gotten along. Sam made up this rather amusing melodramatic story about how it had been rough at first and we even had a spat, but we were able to patch things up. It was hillarious, and Estella would've loved it.

So overall, I suppose I did have a good time. At least I had a good enough time that I'm willing to give it another try come May. However, given this experience, I think I'll try to plan ahead a bit. For example, I will do my best to make sure that I don't work longer hours earlier in the day. If at all possible, I'll even try to put in an extra hour or so earlier in the week so I can knock off a bit early. That way, I can get in some meditation and other work to better prepare myself for the chaos. That should help put me in a state where I'm more able to focus on trying to be sociable. And hopefully, as I attend a few more times, I'll start getting to know people better and find it easier to find a place in the various conversations going on.

Today, I got looking through old diary entries from the time when I moved up here to Rochester. As I read through them, it amazed me to notice how things have progressed since then. Things simply didn't work out the way I expected them to. But that's okay, because I like the way things turned out better than I would've had they gone the way I'd originally planned.

I think one of the things that truly amuses me is the fact that I mentioned in two separate entries how close the mall was to my townhouse. I was quite excited about that fact when I moved in. That's understandable, as the closest mall to me back when I lived with my parents was more than thirty minutes away by car.

Today, I rarely go to the mall. (And when I do, I will often make the trip out to the Eastview Mall instead.) In reality, I'm just not a big shopper, and I realized that hanging out at the mall and people watching (one of my original goals) just wasn't my style. I'd much rather interact with people rather than watch them. So now, I'm finding myself preferring the coffee shops and other venues where conversation is more likely to pop up.

Of course, I still like that all the other stores that cropped up around the mall are still there. Being ten minutes from Best Buy, Borders, Target, and Wal-Mart is still a plus. But those are conveniences, whereas the closeness of a mall was a novelty that quickly wore off.

Shortly after I moved, I also started making plans to volunteer at Lollypop Farms. I've officially given that up. I quit going regularly back before Christmas and just decided that while I enjoyed working with the cats and chatting with the staff and volunteers as we worked side by side, I'd rather sleep in after doing things on Saturday nights. And any other shift would similarly interfere with other activities I've gotten into since coming to the area.

I also tried three classes through the Rush-Henrietta school district's continuing education program the first nine months I was here. I enjoyed every last one of them, but they weren't quite what I expected. I had joined to meet people, and I did exactly that. But I also found that most of them were older people. As I was and am trying to meet people in my own age bracket, I decided to give that a halt.

However, I will note that I'm toying with the idea of teaching a class. The blogging class I took through them was discontinued after the first quarter they tried it. This was because the instructor for the class took a new job and was no longer able to teach the class. I've considered talking to the continuing education office about teaching my own class of that sort. But I haven't committed yet.

While I didn't mention it in any of the diary entries back then, I would also note that I had originally checked out COAP. Back then, I decided not to join. Most of the events they described at the time were outings and trips, and I just couldn't see myself getting involved when I didn't know anyone. And yet, now, I'm becoming an increasingly active member in COAP. I've attended the last three game nights, and I'm off to a dinner this evening and eagerly anticipating the increased number activities that Woody says tend to start in the summer.

Learning about game night from Rob contributed greatly to my decision to reconsider my position on COAP. I wasn't prepared to go to Toronto with a bunch of strangers. But I could definitely see myself sitting around playing board games (actually, we have yet to play one) and card games with them. It was a setting that I could be relatively comfortable in, and it's proved quite rewarding.

But I also think it was a matter of me just not being ready until this past February. As I look back over the past twenty months, I realize that I've gone through a lot of growth and healing which have greatly boosted my self-confidence. This in turn has helped me learn to be more open to and even desire increased socialization. And I was able to see how much I needed it. So things changed, and now I'm ready to take those extra steps that I was only ready to talk about back when I moved here. In some ways, I guess you could say that moving here began a transitional period in my life that is only now drawing to a close. And as it does, I'm finding myself with a stronger foundation to reap the benefits of those changes.

One of the annoyances that I run into due to my job as a software engineer is that when I tell most people that I'm a software engineer is that most people get that I work with computers. Unfortunately, they assume that this means I work with personal computers, which usually leads to them uttering the phrase, "You know, I'm having problem with Windows, and..." That's usually when I have to stop to them and explain to them that when it comes to the PC world, I'm only slightly more knowledgeable than the average user. Most of my professional expertise is in the world of embedded systems.

Of course, part of the problem is that the average person doesn't really understand what an embedded system is. They're naturally inclined to think "computer" and picture that machine with a monitor, keyboard, and mouse they have sitting on their desk. So that usually leaves me racking my brain figuring out the best way to explain what an embedded system is.

Today, while talking to Tracie, I realized that I've been overlooking a perfect example of an embedded system (though the more geekish might argue how accurately said example can really be called an embedded system) that everyone is familiar with. In fact, three different flavors of this example are quite popular now, the Xbox360, the Nintendo Wii, and the Playstation 3. In the loosest sense, gaming consoles are embedded computer systems.

For those who may not know what an embedded system is, it is a "computer" system that is designed and programmed to perform a dedicated task, as opposed to a general purpose computer -- most notably a PC -- which is designed to be highly configurable and usable for just about any task. A game console fits this definition quite well in that it is a computer system designed to do exactly one thing: Allow a user to play games.

Most importantly, as an example of an embedded system, the gaming console excels in that it shows the advantage of embedded systems over general purpose computers. After all, a user can play games on his PC as well. However, because the PC is designed for multiple purposes, playing a game on a PC incurs a great deal of overhead. The game software has to interface with a rather complex operating system that has been highly abstracted and work with (or bypass, which is just as problematic) the operating system's device drivers in order to access resources like the keyboard, mouse, game controller, and graphics controller. If there are other applications running in the background, the game has to be able to play nice with them as well. The net result is that games can run slow on a PC. Anyone who has played many graphics intensive games on a PC will notice that there are just times when the image or sound lags while the computer tries to catch up. This is usually because the operating system or some other application has been doing things to steal resources from the game.

Like any embedded system, a gaming console doesn't have this problem. The core operating system on the console is bare bones, and designed to support the current game being played. Because of this, the game has access to all of the system's resources and doesn't have to worry about another application jumping in and slowing it down. More importantly, the interface to devices like the graphics controller, game controller, and audio controller are much simpler and less abstracted. In fact, while I cannot say so for certain, it would not surprise me if most console games access these devices at the hardware level directly rather than going through any device driver at all. Again, with an embedded system serving a single dedicated purpose, this is not only possible, but perfectly acceptable.

Of course, as I said, a game console is not a perfect example. After all, they are still far more configurable and less dedicated than more traditional embedded systems, such as the electronic computer module that controls the fuel injection process in your car. The game console can accept different games, which will provide different software and a different gaming experience for the user, which makes it slightly more "general purpose" than some purists might consider worthy of being declared an embedded system. However, as a coworker pointed out a few months ago, this is a problem in the world of embedded systems in general. With the increasing features being added to cell phones and PDA's (two other devices that have tradtionally been considered embedded systems), the line between general purpose computers and embedded computers is becoming increasingly blurred every day.

I checked the mail when I got home tonight. My tickets to the Vickie Shaw next Friday just arrived. Now I just have to find someone to go with.

Michele suggested I ask someone at COAP if they'd like to go. That's actually kind of tempting, but I'm a bit concerned that someone I'd ask would get the wrong impression. After all, I just wanta friend to hang out with. I'm not looking to necessarily have this be a dating thing. At least not yet.

On another site, I ended up asking all my friends to reassure me that I didn't sound as emo as I feel like I've been sounding. I even went so far as to tell them to lie to me if they have to. I just reached the point today where I just feel like I've been way too emotional and whiny. And I hate it when I get like that.

Of course, I figure I've had good reason to be emotional and whiny. I've been going through a lot of things lately. I've been dredging up memories, past hurts, current troubles, and personal revelations that haven't been entirely comfortable to face. So while I hope to break out of this state of feeling like I'm often on the verge of tears, I think I've had more than enough valid reasons to be in such a state.

And it's not like I've falled into a deep pit of despair or anything even half that melodramatic. There have been the moments of cheer, the reasons to smile, and just a sense that there's still good in both the world and my personal life, no matter how topsy turvy it may feel right this second.

Truth be told, such emotional periods like this are a part of the path I've chosen to walk this time around. In reality, they're a part of any path, but I do think they are somewhat amplified on my journey. After all, I serve a goddess who is all about passion, and passion has it's down sides, too. After all, passion is also a synonym for suffering. And let's face it, my Lady is not one to do anything half-way, no matter what that thing happens to be.

And in reality, I'm not sure I'd change it anyway. After all, the fact that I've tasted such sorrow and bitterness has enabled me to feel great joy and ecstasy as well. Allowing myself to fully experience even the unpleasantness has granted me the freedom to discover and embrace astounding blissfulness as well. And in the end, I think it's worth it.

But all the same, I'll be glad when this downturn has passed. And I really do hope I don't sound too emo.

Saying goodbye to a friendship is never easy. However, I think it's hardest when neither of you really want to say goodbye, yet know you have to. That's the situation I've found myself in this week, and it's quite possibly the most painful experience I've ever had. And let me just say that coming from someone who was on the brink of suicide twice in his life and even allowed other people to convince him that he was evil incarnate for about a week, that's saying quite a lot.

It would be so much easier if either of us had done something malicious to the other. It would be easier if there had just been a fight, an argument over some sense of having been wronged. But there wasn't any such thing. Instead, life has simply gotten in the way, and we can't be there for each other right now. What's worse, there's no real guarantee of when that will change -- or even that it ever will. That's left one of us feeling hurt and the other feeling rather guilty. A bad situation all around.

So for now, we've said our goodbyes. They may be temporary, or they may be permanent. For now, I'm inclined to treat them as though they are permanent, simply because it'll make the healing process easier, I think. There won't be that temptation to go into denial about the whole thing and wait for something that may not come. If it comes -- and I hope it does -- it will be great. But in the meantime, there's work to be done. So I'll shed my tears and grieve so that I can get on with it as well as I can.

Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he's not. And that bugs me. I don't want to be desperate for a relationship. I don't want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I'm okay with being single and stay there.

But it's difficult. Right now, I'm going through this whole thing where I'm becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It's difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I'm starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I've said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I've enjoyed it, it's not entirely comfortable for me. It's different. And there's that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that'd be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I'll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who's perfect for me, I'd ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can't deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

I had a relatively good Easter. I made it home at around 5 yesterday evening. Mom made meatloaf for supper. That's a meal I haven't had in some time, and I certainly appreciated it last night. After supper, I took a four hour nap. Of course, that meant that when I got back up, I spent most of the night either watching a movie or chatting with people online. I didn't get to bed until almost 7am. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in until 10am that morning.

I spent part of today playing around with RocWiki. I ended up creating a page on there for the POC, as well as doing some other minor editing. And I created my user profile page, of course. I'm starting to become enamored with the whole Wiki concept, to be honest with you.

Mom served the traditional Easter dinner with ham, potatoes, gravy, and stuffing at a little after two in the afternoon. Because I wanted to get home to take care of Precious (I left her here in Rochester as I didn't want to stress her out with the traveling for an overnight trip) and do some other odds and ends, I left shortly after lunc. I did wait around long enough to get a cooler and a tupperware dish filled with a few hunks of ham, however.

Let me just say as an aside that I absolutely despise Easter. Not the holiday itself, but the fact that just about everything is closed all day because of the holiday. When I got home, I was in the mood to get out in the public for a while. So I decided to try running to a couple of the coffeehouses in the area to get a nice drink and do some writing. But alas, they were both closed. After the second one, I decided to just give up.

It's a shame that everything was closed. One of the reasons that I went out was that I was really craving social interaction. Actually, going home for even twenty four hours drove home just how much I really am craving that right now. (Of course, the lengthy, deeply personal and somewhat discomforting IM conversation I had with Brian didn't help that, either.) In some ways, I felt trapped there at my parents' house.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents very much and I like spending time with them. But there's a reason I left that area. It's not a good place for a liberally-minded gay guy to try building friendship and build a social network. And going back there, even for an overnight visit, tends to remind me of that. Especially right now since I'm working on trying to break that lack of human interaction and learning to release the social butterfly that really does appear to be hiding somewhere inside of me.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the Wednesday night game night all the more. And I plan on getting out to do some writing on Tuesday, too.

I figured since I wasn't heading home for the holiday until today, I'd head out a little later in the day so that I could go visit friends at Psychic's Thyme. Michele was working today, and Belinda came up with her for the day, as they planned on spending the evening in the city after the store closed. Char was there, too, which made for a pleasant visit.

Apparently, Michele and Belinda had decided to go to Macaroni Grill. Char decided to join them, and they also invited their friend, Jim. I was also invited, but I figured my mother would kill me if I didn't come home. So I yelled at my friends for picking a day to do something like that when I couldn't join them. Of course, they offered to call my parents that I wouldn't make it home because they'd tied me up, but I didn't figure Mom would buy that. So I came home and missed out on all the fun. Hopefully, it won't be more than a month (and hopefully less) before we have another outing like that.

This coming Wednesday is another COAP game night. I'm already looking forward to it. I've enjoyed the last two game nights I've been to. I especially enjoyed the one two weeks ago because after the games were put away, a few of us stuck around and chatted for a bit. In many ways, that was even more enjoyable than the game playing. Of course, playing the games together helped create an atmosphere where conversation could flow more freely. I'm finding that it's a lot easier to talk once you've spent an hour stealing cards out of each other's hands or screwing each other out of points and talking about getting even the entire time. When you stop and think about it, though, that's rather messed up. The games get rather cutthroat, and yet we're able to set it all aside in the end and act like great friends. But then, I suppose my friends at college had a similar sort of dynamic going in our relationships.

The mechanic got me in and back on the road in under half an hour. It turns out that one of the lines hadn't been tightened properly and was still leaking brake fluid. So they took care of it and wished me a good day.

While I'm certainly glad that they got me in so quickly, were able to fix the problem easily, and didn't even try to charge me (which was smart of them, considering they were the ones who improperly tightened the line), I did feel like they could've been a bit more apologetic about the whole incident. After all, we're talking about my brakes. That sort of slip-up could've had me unable to brake as I came upon slow-moving traffic on one of the interstates. Or it could have left me unable to stop at a red light. And even though it wasn't that major, it still meant that I had to postpone my travel plans for a day, rearrange my schedule to drive back to the mechanic, and spend the time -- which was inconvenient no matter how brief -- waiting for them to look at the problem and fix it.

Originally, the mechanic hadn't even planned on telling me what was wrong. He just pulled the car out front, walked in, and told me I was good to go. I had to ask him what the problem was. And then he told me matter-of-factly without so much as a "sorry about that." Call me crazy, but even the slightest admission of guilt over the original mistake would've been nice.

Of course, I should note that Louie, the guy who usually books appointments and otherwise interfaces with the customers, wasn't working today. I suspect if he had been, things would've been different. Louie's the kind of guy who thinks about these kinds of things and does his best to make sure the customer feels okay about everything. But geez, if the other guys in the shop can't even manage to acknowledge they screwed up and offer even a brief apology for it, maybe they should just close the garage on days Louie isn't there.

This evening, while driving home from work, my brake light came on again. What's worse, it's not turning off this time. Considering that the brake light was the whole reason the silly thing was in the garage over the weekend and for the first two days of this week, I am not a happy camper.

I have called my parents and informed them that I will not be driving home tonight due to the fact that I need to go have words with a mechanic. Dad's offering to come pick me up for the weekend so I can be home with them. If my car is not done by noon, I may take him up on that offer. However, considering that I just paid the mechanic a significant amount of money to fix my brakes only to discover they're now worse, I'm thinking the mechanic would be wise to move my car to the head of the queue tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I might be even less pleasant than I already expect to be.

I lost my cell phone this morning. When I got to the customer site, I went to take it off my belt, only to find the belt clip was empty. I couldn't do anything about it, so I prayed that I somehow left it at home (not really a possibility, given the belt clip was with me) and went in to work. After work, I decided to run right home to check. My neighbor came out the front door as I got out of my car. It turns out that I had lucked out. Apparently, I knocked the silly thing off while dusting the snow off my car this morning. My neighbor had come home at lunch and found it. So I thanked him profusely and hopped back into my car to head for Equal Grounds.

I almost went to Jitters here in Henrietta instead. As of yesterday, the POC started having our weekly Meet and Greets there, and I found it an incredibly enjoyable place. However, I decided I wanted the slightly more cozy atmosphere of my old haunt, so I made the drive to the South Wedge. While there, I wrote some erotica and the next chapter of Journey.

While there, a couple other patrons watched Hide and Seek. I glanced up from time to time to watch the giant screen (it was less than four feet from me) for a few seconds, but I mainly focused on the writing. From what I saw, it was a pretty bizarre movie, and I never expected the ending.

The new chapter in Journey is about my longest relationship. It was a strange one to write. I'm finding that as the events I'm writing about get closer and closer to the modern day, it's a little harder to write. Of course, part of that is because the issues Ihave to write about are things I'm still working on in some sense. This became apparent as I wrote the last few paragraphs of this chapter. I realized that the end of that relationship was about realizing what I deserved and demanding it. That's something I'm still working on right now, and the need to continue insisting on the kind of love, affection, and attention I both want and deserve is a lesson that's getting driven home right now.

While responding to a comment that Artharaja left me a couple days ago, I found myself reminded of a small exchange from the movie "Mary Poppins" that I've always loved. It's a brief exchange between Mary and the children's father which I believe comes shortly after the whole scene with the chimney sweeps. After the children run upstairs, the father begins to get quite agitated and demands that the nanny explain herself. After listening to him, Mary responds by saying, "Well, the first thing that you need to understand is that I never explain myself." Upon uttering these words, she trots up the stairs after the children.

What makes this scene so great, and clearly demonstrates that Julie Andrews is an acting goddess, is the delivery of that single line. The first part of the statement (that which I didn't italicize) is spoken with a calm, almost conciliatory tone. However, once the nanny begins the second portion of her statement (the italicized portion), her tone undergoes a transformation into something that clearly tells the father, "You may pay my salary, but do not make the mistake of thinking you're my boss." Mary's entire response and the delivery of that response makes it clear that this is a subject that will tolerate no debate. It's an attitude that I can completely appreciate in many situations.

Of course, Mary Poppins has the distinct advantage of living in a film world that caters to her every whim. The father must continue to sign her paychecks simply because the script says he must. Should I choose to take such an approach with my own employer, I could find myself collecting unemployment in the near future. And despite the fact that I am likely able to gain a great deal of leeway with my employer due to being a great employee, I have no delusions that I'm the superman that Mary Poppins is (diary name aside).

And yet, there are those areas in my life in which I can get away with such an attitude. A good number of my friends are willing to put up with a certain amount of obstinance on my part simply because they know that I'm a good friend. (Of course, it helps that I don't abuse the privelege as a rule.) And in those social situations where such an attitude might cost me something, I'm in a position where I can actually choose to accept the loss. Like Mary, I can simply say my peace and walk away. The trick is making sure I'm prepared to walk away and can live with that choice.

This morning, I turned in the queermobile and picked up the keys to my more sensible Mercury Sable. I'm going to miss that little lavender ride, though I'm glad I don't have to pay another day's rental on it.

I first went to the mechanic's shop to get the bad news. It was bad indeed, but my bank account didn't die despite the fact that I bled it hard to pay my bill. The guy at the counter was quite sympathetic and commented on the fact that Ford vehicles seem to be notorious for having their struts and springs go bad pretty quickly.

I then took the time to move the half dozen items I needed for work from the queermobile over to my car before hopping back into the lavender delight to drive the final two blocks to its rightful owner. They quickly checked the car out and offered me a ride to wherever I needed to go. If the weather hadn't been rainy, I would've turned them down and counted the two block trek on foot a good thing for my under-active body. But having a mild aversion to dampness, I graciously accepted the offer.

I believe the name of the young man (I'm guessing he's in his early to mid twenties) who gave me a lift was Jeff. We had a pleasant enough conversation, and I realized just how witty and friendly I can be. And well, let's just say that Jeff wasn't exactly hard on the eyes. At any rate, we got to the mechanic and I hopped into my car to head on to work.

I must say that upon climbing into my car, my dreams of painting it lavender quickly died. My interior has way too much of a brown tint (it's actually a shade of beige) to go well with that kind of exterior color. And considering that the seats are all leather, I refuse to redo the interior just to match the color. So for now, I'll have to live with a burgandy car.

I'm going to miss that little PT Cruiser.

One of the things that I'm realizing right now is just how little I know about building and maintaining a social life. A simple matter of getting tickets to a comedy show and finding someone to go with strikes me as intimidating. And yet, these are things that people do all the time.

But then, most people have been doing things like this since their youth. To me, this whole idea of getting out and having a fun night on the town is pretty new. And that's a pretty disconcerting epiphany to have. In retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to do these kinds of things when I was younger.

Of course, growing up in rural Pennsylvania didn't help that. For youth in my hometown, the options were pretty much limited to going to church events (which I did a fair share of, myself) or find the nearest drinking party. The latter was completely not me. I didn't drink, and certainly didn't believe in underage drinking. Besides, I had little in common with those holding such parties.

Some of the more fortunate individuals could possibly go to the Arnot Mall just across the state line. There, options including just hanging out at the mall, shopping, or catching a movie. Unfortunately, I didn't have transportation, nor knew anyone who did. As a result, I had a substantially quiet life at home, spending most of my time in solitude.

In college, I was a bit more socially active. I had the friends from Acts 29 and InterVarsity. But even then, we tended to hang out in someone's room. Occasionally, we might catch a movie as a group or run to one of the restaurants. Or we might even occasionally catch a play produced by the school's drama department. But we didn't spend a lot of time going out into the world.

After college, it was back to rural Pennsylvania. This time I had a car, and could go to the more populated areas about half an hour away. But at this point, I had no real close friends, and the idea of going to most events alone frightened me. And I certainly wasn't aware of most events in the area.

So I find myself having to learn little things here in Rochester, like how to find out about local happenings. I know that there are shows and concerts of all kinds throughout the area, but I'm not entirely sure how to best "plug in" to hear about them in time. (This is probably one of the reasons I jumped on the Vickie Shaw thing so quickly.)

And then there's the issue that I still don't want to go to most things alone. Now, the good news there is that I have a handful of friends here. Providing they're available, I can probably convince one of them to go to just about anything I'd be interested in checking out. But it's a new mode of thinking that I'm going to have to get used to. And as I said in the beginning, I can't help but feel like this is something most people learn to do at a younger age and find it much more natural than I do now. That's a bit frustrating right now.

This afternoon, I received an email from the COAP mailing list. Apparently, the folks who run the ImageOut Film Festival have arranged for comedian Vickie Shaw to perform here in Rochester on April 20th. I've never heard of her before, but figured that I like to laugh, and a night out is always a good idea. So I ordered a couple of tickets.

You heard that right, I ordered two tickets. I decided that since I'm doing something as radical as actually developing a social life for myself, I might as well go all the way and even plan to invite someone to go with me. With any luck, one of my friends will be equally interested in an opportunity to get out and do something entertaining for an evening.

I have to admit, this is somewhat ambitious for me, and it has me feeling a bit weird. Normally, I'd wait until the last minute, hope I could still get a ticket, only get one, and go alone. But I realize that there's an inherent problem with that modus operandi. The whole point of going to something like this is to have a good time. The way I do these things, I go with the anticipation that I won't have a good time. What should be fun becomes a matter of obligation, and I end up only going through the motions. So I'm hoping that by getting the tickets somewhat in advance and anticipating finding someone to go with, I can set new expectations for myself. And hopefully, these new expectations will create a better quality of experience. Here's to hoping.

This weekend, we cleaned out the POC office. Our lease expired at the end of March, and we chose not to renew. At this point, we simply don't have the money to keep a permanent space. So it was time to close the doors, and start making other plans.

The POC isn't going away, mind you. We still plan on maintining a presence on the web. Also, we will continue to have Meet and Greets on Wednesday nights. This Wednesday, we will be meeting at Jitters Cafe in their Southtown Plaza location. And tomorrow night's meditation will be at the small park on Gregory Street, just off of South Avenue.

I'm hoping that the next several months will give us the opportunity to regroup, rebuild, and make new plans. Someday, we will probably try getting a permanent space of our own. But in the meantime, we need to work up on building up our resources, both financial and otherwise.

Today, the mechanic called me about my car. The back brakes need to be replaced. That's no big deal, as it's overdue. Unfortunately, I was also overdue in replacing the struts. As a result, the springs have broken, and the whole strut assembly on the back need to be replaced, too. I actually had to sit there and check my bank account balance while I was on the phone with the mechanic. I figure I'll have to put off paying most of my bills until I get paid this Friday, but I should otherwise have the money for it. Which is good, because I can't really forego having my car.

The other bad news is that they can't get my car done until closing tomorrow night at the earliest. It's entirely likely they'll have to take the repair work into Wednesday, too. That means renting the car for another day. Fortunately, I had the foresight on Saturday to verify that I can just call the rental company and tell them I need to extend my rental period over the phone. So that's what I'll be doing tomorrow evening.

I'm not entirely thrilled to have to be shelling out all this money at once. But in many ways, it's my own fault. I hadn't had the car in to check basic maintenance things in a while. Had I done so, I might have been able to catch the struts before the springs broke. But there's no point in kicking myself too badly. As for the struts themselves, they should've been replaced as a course of standard maintenance, anyway. So it's not like these are unreasonable repairs.

It's still a bummer, though.

Tonight, I attended the ImageMovementSound Festival 2007 presentation on the campus of RIT. Unfortunately, I missed the first twenty minutes of this hour and a half long show because I'd never been on the campus before. I got lost, and quickly burned the fifteen extra minutes I had allowed myself to find Ingle Auditorium. But I eventually made it to the right place and was able to view all but three or four of the pieces presented.

I'm not going to attempt an in-depth critique of the fesival or any of the pieces presented. People who know me are well aware that my grasp of such things is tenuous at best. As I told my friend when he asked me how I liked the festival afterwards, I'm sure that I failed to comprehend or appreciate more than half of what the contributors were trying to convey. As such, I will simply leave my analysis as a simple statement that I enjoyed it. After all, the experience was incredible.

I would say that based solely on my subjective emotional reactions, my favorite piece would have to be "E=Motion." What I particularly liked about it was the two live dancers who performed on the stage as part of it. Their motions were fluid, and watching how they intereacted with one another, tumbling over an rolling across one another with each, was amazing. I can only imagine the amount of practice that both of them put in to perform such a routine.

For those who are in the area and did not get a chance to see IMS, I would like to point out that the festival will be putting in a stop at the Visual Studies Workshop auditorium on Sunday, April 15 at 8:00pm. So if you get the opportunity, reward yourself for getting your taxes filed by checking out the festival that night.

Just another picture of my rental car. This time, I'm in the picture too. What a match, eh? I have to admit, I'll miss this car when I turn it back over to Enterprise tomorrow. But despite my friends' insistance, I refuse to buy it. I'm not interested in a new car loan.

Once again, I find myself looking at the calendar to find the words "April 1st" written in simple letters. And once again, I find myself thinking about the special significance those words have for me. For those who may be new to this blog or my life, those words mark the anniversary of the day I came out to myself and a very good friend. And while I stated last year that I'm not big on commemorating yearly anniversaries of "life-changing events," I've decided that I will make note of this particular anniversary again this year. Perhaps my opinion on such commemorations is changing, and this will become a normal practice for me. Or perhaps this is just one more of a tiny number of exceptions to that attitude. In the end, it doesn't matter. I simply feel called to write this post, and I will do so. I'll worry about the implications some other day.

Part of the reason I feel particularly called to do this again this year is that this has been a year of changes for me, sexuality-wise. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still a raging homo with an attitude. I sincerely doubt that will ever change. But over the past year, I think I've gone through some growth periods that will ultimately allow me to express my sexuality more freely and comfortably. So this anniversary post is about reviewing a few of those changes.

I think the most notable change came around my thirty-second birthday this past June. I spent the weekend hanging out at the psychic fair that the POC did. I spent both days ogling the cute guys that walked through and talking about them with a friend the entire time. Now, this isn't entirely a new practice for me. However, it was the first time I've done so without trying to be a little discreet and worrying about whether the guys I'm checking out noticed. As this particular weekend went by, however, I became less and less concerned about anyone noticing. I got bolder, and probably more than a little out of control by the time the event was over. I remember one friend sat by me and commented that if I kept making some of the sounds (mostly a very interested "hmmm" sounds), people were going to realize what I was doing. In that moment, I realized that I really didn't care if they did. I figured if some guy realized I was checking him out, he should feel flattered. And if he was really flattered, he should come over and say hi!

That same weekend, my attitudes about myself and my body started to change. I began to realize that I really was a good looking guy. I also realized that I needed to come to believe in myself as a sexually attractive man, despite my own hang-ups about my body-image. Since June, that's been a highly common theme in my life, and I've found an increasing ability to look in the mirror and smile, knowing that there really is a good looking guy smiling back at me from that reflective surface.

Of course, my recent relationship, though terribly short-lived, also helped me in that realm. The young man I ended up getting involved with went through a great deal of effort to pursue me (though not as much effort as the next one may find necessary, as I've now found the bliss of being pursued) gave me the first inkling that yes, there really were guys out there who could also see my allure. And despite my sadness over how things went, that realization is something I continue to carry with me, and hopefully always will.

The other major change in my life has been Journey, of course. The past year has involved a germination process which ended in the site's release just this past month. However, the idea for the book can probably be traced back to this past summer as well.

One of my greatest goals since coming out has been to encourage and help other gay and bisexual people in their own self-discovery and coming out process. It's a goal that I first reached towards just a year or two after my own coming out when I wrote a moving essay encouraging others to accept themselves for who they are. To me, Journey is an extension of that same effort.

I originally started formally collecting notes for Journey and even writing a very rough draft back in October. I still have the journal I used, and have even referred to it to see if I missed anything when writing the pages for the site. Back then, I had planned on turning Journey into a book, which had no title. It wasn't until events in March convinced me that a website was the preferred medium for the project.

Writing Journey has been a journey in itself. Indeed, it's become part of the very journey I'm writing about, just a later part of the story. It's given me many chances to look back at many of the struggles I've faced and wounds I've needed to heal and gauge my progress. In many cases, it has been exhilarating and shown me in concrete ways just how much I've healed in grown. In some cases, it's served as a somewhat painful reminder of those areas where I still need to work. In the end, I find myself wondering who will benefit most from the project when all is said and done. Those I had in mind when starting it or myself?

As I sit here today, thinking about all of these things, I find myself filling with a peaceful contentment and glowing pride. While I never saw it during most of the past twelve months, I can consider these things and realize that I've done a lot of growing in the past year. But more importantly, I can see the next layer of foundation that I laid to continue that growth process over the coming year. So my contentment and pride are ultimately married with a sense of anticipation and excitement for the next stage of the journey. Is there a better position to be in than that?

Friday night, I took Becky back to her place after spending a few hours running around town with her and watching a movie at my place. As we were driving, I noticed that my brake light kept coming on. Being a bit concerned, I called my favorite mechanic Saturday morning. He informed me that it sounded like I was losing brake fluid, especially considering my answers to his questions ruled out the other possiblities. Unfortunately, he also informed me that he wouldn't be able to get to my car until Monday, but I was free to drop it off and leave it there, just in case he found some free time this weekend.

As I didn't want to have to take extra time on Monday to get my car there, I agreed to drop it off Saturday morning. However, I decided I still needed a car, so I picked up the phone a second time and called Enterprise. They indicated they had a car available and I could have it through Tuesday. So when I dropped my car off at the garage, I walked the two blocks over to Enterprise's Henrietta office and filled out the paperwork to get my rental car.

As the woman who was taking care of me went to get keys, she asked her coworker what midsized cars they had available. He told her the PT Cruiser would be the best bet. Now I have to admit, I think PT Cruisers are ugly cars, but I'm not inclined to be too picky when it comes to a rental car. After all, I only have to drive it for a few days.

Apparently, I was completely oblivious (probabl due to the list of items running through my head that I really should've been doing at that exact moment rather than worrying about transportation), because I never noticed the color of my new rental car when I got into it and drove it off the lot. It wasn't until I got back to my townhouse, gathered up the stuff I needed for the day, and walked back out to the car before I realized that it was this incredibly light shade of lavendar. I looked at it and started laughing. The only thing I could think to say was, "Well, I guess I don't have to worry about anyone assuming I'm straight for the nex few days." I also wondered if the people at Enterprise gave me this car because I happened to be wearing my "2QT2BSTR8 shirt at the time."

I have to admit that as Saturday progressed, the car actually grew on me. I've affectionally named it "The Queermobile," much to friends' amusement. I've especially fallen in love with the color. I'm actually considering saving up my money and finding a body shop that can paint my car that same color, or at least something close.

Isn't it strange the things I find amusing?