October 2007 Archives

Last month, I posted a bit about a synchroblog wherein a number of Christian bloggers talked about Christianity and Paganism and discussions between members of both faith groups. This month, the same group is having another synchroblog, with the topic being about Halloween this time. So far, I've read a handful of posts from the event and enjoyed them thoroughly. The link above is to Sonja's post, where anyone interested can find links to the rest of the participants' blogs.

I'm not going to say much about the synchroblog yet, as I'm still reading. I expect to have many thoughts to share by the time I'm done. I will briefly note that Sonja's daughter cracked me up with her "emergency vampire protection" though.

Last night, I saw Out at the Wedding, one of the films shown as part of this year's ImageOut film festival. It was a hilarious comedy, filled with many one-liners and thinly veiled innuendos (though that may well be a generous classification on my part).

The movie takes you along as Alex, a young woman from the South now living in New York city, spins a complicated web of lies that eventually ensnares her and all her loved ones hopelessly. She tells her fiancé, Dana, that her family is dead in order to avoid introducing him to them out of fear that they'll reject him because he's black. Then when her best friend from childhood, a gay man named Jonathan, accidentally starts a rumor that Alex is a lesbian during her sister's wedding reception, Alex picks up the ruse and continues it in order to calm her sister, who is accusing her and Jonathan of starting the rumor simply to ruin the wedding. From there, each new lie is created to cover up a previous lie. The resulting web of deception eventually becomes too unwieldy and begins to unravel. However, as this is a comedy rather than a tragedy, no relationships are permanently ruined, except for the Jeannie's (the sister) marriage, as she comes out as a lesbian and becomes the girlfriend of Risa, Alex's "girlfriend-for-hire."

It's important to note that Alex is not the only deceiver in this movie. Jonathan, who now also lives in NYC, also plays several deceptive tricks on his boyfriend, Kenny, throughout the movie in order to get Kenny to eat less and become more active so he'll shed some extra weight. (Given that Kenny is a mere thirty pounds overweight and looks fantastic to this viewer, I could go on a separate discussion concerning ludicrous standards of beauty. But this review is long enough as is.) Jonathan also helps Alex to maintain many of her own lies as well. Indeed, these two schemers-in-arms seem to be immersed so much in their lives of deception that one wonders i their entire friendship is based on the bonds of deceiving everyone around them.

Another interesting theme is that Alex often sees the need for her lies to be beyond her control. This is best exemplified by the fact that the first two lies (the death of her family and her lesbianism) originated as mere misunderstandings, a fact she takes solace in while ignoring the fact that she didn't stop either misunderstanding when she first became aware of them, thereby perpetuating them and turning them into lies. But ignoring that fact allows her to avoid taking responsibility for the lies, something she is intent on doing until she no longer can.

I think that part of what makes this movie so funny and enjoyable is that most of us have seen these themes play out in our own lives at one time or another, so we can identify with the situations played out on the screen. And by portraying them in a comedic light, this movie frees us from the discomfort of that realization and enables us to laugh about it all. And hopefully, while laughing, we internalize the lesson and strive to live the simpler life offered by being more honest.

Today is National Coming Out Day. As such, I felt it entirely appropriate to talk about the subject of coming out of the closet. Rather than focusing on the benefits of coming out of the closet (something Peterson Toscano and others has already covered quite well), I thought I'd offer some practical bits of advice and thoughts on the whole coming out process.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that it is a process rather than an all-or-nothing proposition. I don't have to tell my best friend, my boss, and my mother all on the same day. (Though if my best friend is lousy at keeping secrets and knows my mother, I might want to take extra care in deciding what order to come out to them in.) Personally, I'm not very out at my current job and that works for me. But then, I'm not very close to any of my coworkers and we tend to travel in very different social circles outsides of work. So I don't have to worry about leading a double life and keeping two worlds from colliding.

Also, it's been my experience that coming out to new acquaintances is much easier than coming out to long-time friends and family members. This is because I don't have a lot of emotional energy invested in the relationship with new acquaintances. If a new person in my life is uncomfortable with the fact that I'm gay, it's easier for both of us to walk away. It's not nearly as painful, so the risk of rejection is easier to take. And coming out to new acquaintances gives me the opportunity to make sure that I get the whole issue out of the way before building the deep friendship I'd then be afraid of harming by coming out later.

When it comes to acquaintances, especially new ones, I'd also point out that there are many ways to come out without even saying, "I'm gay." Coming out can be as simple as mentioning that my boyfriend and I went to see the new movie that came out last Friday and we both thought it was terrible. Or I can simply mention that I think the guy walking down the sidewalk across the street is kind of cute.

The nice thing about that kind of approach is that it replaces the idea of a scary declaration into a natural comment that can be offered as a simple aside. After all, heterosexual people are talking about going to the movies with their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time. And enough heterosexual guys voice their opinions about the women passing by. So it stands to reason that it's perfectly natural and normal for us to act similarly. And if it shatters a few assumptions on the part of those around us, all the better.

I will admit that such an approach doesn't feel natural at first. But I can say from personal experience that it does get easier. And I've noticed that in general, most people get over their initial shock fairly quickly. After all, they'd have a hard time justifying a complaint about such an off-handed comment without it becoming obvious that they're the ones making an issue out of your sexuality. And a great many people simply take the whole thing in stride.

Note that I'm recommending this approach for people one has just met or have a fairly casual relationship with. The bonds between close, long-time friends and family members require a bit more sensitivity and a personal touch when it comes to coming out. With a close friend or family member, I would always choose to sit down and have a talk which involves expressing my sexual orientation in a personal manner that is appropriate to a relationship.

As I said, coming out to close friends and family members is much more frightening due to the emotional investments involved. Being rejected by a close friend or family member hurts deeply, and no one wants to face that. However, this is where coming out to people we have casual relationships with first shows its second benefit. By coming out to acquaintances and people I've just met, I've built up confidence. I now know that the world doesn't end just because I tell someone I'm gay. And I know that people can still accept and love me despite knowing that I love and am attracted to other men. And if people who are just meeting me for the first time can still be accepting, I can be confident in most cases that the people who already know me and love me will continue to want to do so after coming out to them. After all, they know the kind of person I am, and nothing I tell them will change that.

It may take some time for some loved ones to come around. They will have to get over their initial shock (but then again, didn't I go through some of that myself?), but in the vast majority of cases, love will win out. And my experiences have born this truth out and convinced me of its veracity.

Of course, I don't recommend that anyone put themselves in danger by coming out. If there's a very real danger of losing one's job, coming out to one's boss just isn't worth it. If one is financially dependent on parents who would disown a gay child (and sadly, such parents still exist), then it's best to wait. But part of the trick is learning to distinguish between real dangers and dangers that are a matter of fear and perception only. And that takes practice. So find a situation that involves a level of risk you're comfortable with and start practicing. In the end, it's well worth it.

NGLTF Executive Director Matt Foreman wrote an op-ed piece regarding Congress's recent decision to modify the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) under discussion so that it no longer includes transgender people. I also received a request from Michael Rogers of PageOneQ to post all or part of that op-ed piece to my blog. I will do so, but I first want to offer my own comments on the topic.

I understand why Congress and some LGB groups might find a modified ENDA so appealing. Many of the religious right's attempts to discredit ENDA, have focused on the transgender issue. Indeed, the fact that the main strategy for opposing ENDA has been to feed on people's lack of understand and fear of trans-folk may suggest that gay and bisexual people simply aren't the great bogeymen needed to keep workplace discrimination in place. And it's not surprising that Congress and some activists would consider monopolizing on that fact by removing the "new bogeyman" from the picture to end workplace discrimination for at least some people. The reasons are quite appealing. But it doesn't change the fact that it's the wrong choice. We as gay and bisexual people must not give into the temptation to leave our transgendered allies behind. It's a dual sacrifice we can't afford, because it sacrifices both our friends and our own principles on the altar of convenience. I for one don't want to live in a world where I've lost either.

Nor do I want to give up the mutual support and the benefit of working together in the future might bring both queerfolk and trans-folk. We are stronger when we work together for our mutual benefit. Collectively, LGBT-folk have the potential to accomplish far more than if we work separately as LGB-folk and trans-folk. If we allow ourselves to lose track of that fact, the word tragic cannot even begin to characterize the results.

I'm reminded of online conversations I had with seasoned LGBT activists back in the nineties, when I was first coming out myself. I remember them lamenting that the fight for everyone's equal rights would be far more effective if all minority groups would work together for their ultimately common cause if only each group could get over their own prejudices concerning the other groups. Unfortunately, this has not yet happened, and there are still groups who fight for their own rights and never consider those potential allies amongst other minority groups.

I don't want to see queer-folk and trans-folk become two more groups fighting for similar rights but unwilling to consider working together. And one way to prevent that from happening is to keep us together now by making ENDA trans-inclusive again.

In closing, I offer Mr. Foreman's compelling thoughts on our commonality:

Why have we all worked so hard together and in such a dramatic way over this issue? For over a decade, the Task Force, and increasingly our organizational colleagues, has re-embraced transgender friends, family and colleagues as part of our community and part of our movement for freedom and equality. We believe the social disapproval and punishment of LGBT people varies only by degree. Yes, we can be fired if we identify ourselves as lesbian, gay or bisexual. But it isn’t always about who we love; sometimes it’s about a refusal or inability to disguise ourselves — “pass” — as heterosexual.

The freedom to express ourselves and be ourselves is at stake when any one of us is punished and persecuted for stepping outside the rigid rules of gender conformity. Lesbians, gay men and bisexual people historically engage a whole range of dress and behaviors that challenge the traditional gender code. Women who are too masculine and men who are too feminine often suffer job discrimination and harassment at work, just as our transgender sisters and brothers do.

For more information, please see the NGLTF's page on ENDA.

This Saturday, I rode with my parents, an aunt and uncle, and two cousins down to the Philadelphia area. There, we all attended my cousin Melissa's wedding to Brian. It was a pleasant day and an enjoyable weekend.

My parents and I left their house around 8:05 that morning. Our first stop was to pick up Uncle Roger, Aunt Marlene, Rhonda, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is Rhonda's daughter, who was not actually going to the wedding. We were just taking her to meet the family she would be spending the night with while her mother was away. After that, we swung by Sandrra's house to pick her up, thereby completing our little entourage. After that, the meat of our four hour trip began.

The trip itself went quite well, the worst part being the horrendous traffic on Route 309 when we hit Quakerstown. Of course, there was also the minor issue where we missed our turn onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike from I-80, but we recovered from that quickly. Fortunately, no cop was around to notice our illegal U-Turn just a couple hundred yards from the exit.

I have to admit that I was a bit concerned about spending that much time with family in the van. I was particularly worried that the discussions would focus on religion and politics, two subjects in which I hold radically different views from 99% of the rest of my family, which means I either have to remain silent or risk starting a confrontation. This is certainly something I would've wanted to avoid, as it would've certainly affected everyone's disposition at Melissa's wedding. And I adore Melissa.

Fortunately, my concerns proved unfounded. I failed to consider that the lively religious and political discussions are mainly initiated and continued by the men in my family (particularly the husbands of a couple cousins). My aunt and two cousins (Uncle Roger was mostly silent or talked with my father) were much more interested in discussing the studies, extracurricular activities, and general well-being of their children and other family members. Of course, this also made me painfully aware of just how out-of-touch I have become with most of my family. After this weekend, I'm not so sure that's a good thing. It's something I will have to ponder later.

Sandra did inquire about my work, and quickly rediscovered why most of the family doesn't inquire. As a software engineer, my job is quite technical and discussion of it in any detail tends to quickly go over most people's heads. But it was certainly nice of her to ask.

At any rate, the trip down passed without any major mishaps or strife, and we made it to the church about seventy minutes before the wedding would start. As we hadn't eaten, we decided to go look for someplace to eat. After wandering around lost for about five minutes, we found a helpful police officer who was able to give us directions to a plaza that had a McDonald's, a Subway, and a few other options. We decided to go with McDonald's.

After eating, I decided to change into my clothes for the wedding. I had worn my dress pants on the drive down, but chose to wear a nice tee shirt with it, figuring it would prevent the chance of me getting something on it (like ketchup or barbecue sauce) when eating lunch. So I put on my undershirt and the blue dress shirt I had chosen for the wedding (I'll have to see if anyone has a picture of me in the outfit and get a copy) and exchanged my sneakers for dress shoes. Sandra told me I looked nice, which made me smile. Then we made our way back to the church.

The wedding itself was simple, yet beautiful. There were certain elements in the wedding ceremony that I have only seen in one other weddings -- James's. I found myself wondering if they were specific to Methodist Weddings, as James is also a methodist. (Though I should note that he and Michelle got married in a Wesleyan church.) And Melissa looked fantastic in her wedding gown.

After the wedding was over, we had some time to kill before the reception, so a large number of us (including a few more aunts, uncles, and cousins who came by themselves) decided to go to Dairy Queen. This is the point where I also got to see my cousin, Robin. I haven't seen her in over a decade, so it was a pleasant surprise. We both commented that we hope we see each other sooner next time.

After finishing our ice cream and chatting for a while, we decided to go to the fire hall where the reception was to be held (after running back to the church to pick up those who wanted to stick around and take photographs, of course). The reception itself consisted of a dinner served family style. The chicken was absolutely delicious. The DJ they got for entertainment played some great music (though we left before the dancing got started, so we didn't hear much of it). At about 7:30, everyone in our group decided it was getting time to head home, so we all piled into the van for the four hour or so trip back to northern PA.

Overall, it was a fantastic day.