November 2007 Archives

Thanksgiving Day, I had a bit of a personal experience. After I had gotten to my parents' home and was seated in the dining room chatting with them, I began to look around the room. On the one stand next to the interior wall, I spotted an old picture of me. If my mother is right (I mentioned it to her later), it was the casual picture I had taken when I had my senior pictures taken in high school.

When I first saw the picture, I did a double take. "That was me?! Damn, I was cute back then!" In fact, I was so taken by the picture that I almost had trouble believing it really was me. I looked rather different back then. It was before my hairline had really started to recede and before I put on an extra 70+ pounds. This realization was somewhat depressing, and for a moment, I even mourned the fact that I was no longer that young man in the picture.

What's more, I mourned that I never realized how good looking I really was back then. I never considered myself ugly (and never have), but I did consider myself pretty plain. Part of that was because the school nurse kept harping on the fact that I was "slightly overweight" every year. Add that to the fact that none of the girls in school really seemed all that interested in me (nor the boys, but I wouldn't have been ready to pursue that possibility anyway), and it just never occurred to me how great I looked. Of course, that made the realization rather sweet now, even if I did wish I would've taken better advantage of my looks back then.

But then Miss Thing (Have I mentioned that I love having a patron goddess who let's me get away with calling her names like "Miss Thing"?) began pointing out to me that I'm still very good looking. Despite the decrease in hair and the increase in weight. And besides, I'm slowly, very slowly, doing something about that latter part. It is entirely likely that in three or four years, I could be that "slightly overweight" (in which case I will party) guy in the picture again, just at twice the age. But it's going to take time, patience, and a lot of self love. After all, if I try to rush things, I'll only get frustrated and sabotage my own efforts. And besides, I need to accept I already look great so that it becomes a matter of improving on an already great thing rather than some struggle against myself.

So I will continue to do my exercising (which I admit I've been bad about for the past couple weeks). I'll get back to eating healthier. And I'll continue to do so because I enjoy it (I'm already pining for longer days and warmer weather again so I can return to my walking). But at least now, I do it with a glimmer of hope that despite not being my primary goal, there's proof that I could really enjoy the fringe benefits in the long run, too.

As I mentioned in my last entry, I picked up a copy of Jim Palmer's Divine Nobodies and began reading it this weekend. I finished the book yesterday while at my aunt's home for the extended family Thanksgiving. Let me just say right up front that it is a great book, and I highly recommend it.

The title of the book is the perfect label for the series of chapters about "ordinary" people that Jim has met throughout his life and learned important lessons from in regards to his faith. Indeed, he relays each of these experiences to underscore his own growing belief that God most often brings spiritual growth and understanding not through "big name preachers" (or even preachers at all), but average Joes that we meet all through our lives. In effect, these people -- often seen as "nobodies" in the greater religious movements of Christendom -- truly offer a direct experience of and encounter with the Divine.

What I personally find interesting in addition to the individual stories (which are all touching and moving), there seems to be a handful of underlying themes that run through many of the chapters. One such example is the fact that Jim constantly finds his tendency to try and "do enough" and "be good enough" to justify his existence and God's love for him challenged. (This is a theme I can particularly identify with, as that's a tendency I've also struggled with at times.) Many of his experiences he describes offers another chance to revisit this particular struggle in his life and experience further healing from it.

Another common theme in many of the chapters is Jim faced with his own prejudiced opinions about others and the problems they cause. Whether it's his opinions of Catholicism and closely related denominations being challenged by Father Jeff, his opinions of liberals being blown apart while he peruses the bookshelves at the home of his daughter's swim instructor, or his understanding of hip hop being shattered by Doug, the author finds himself having to rethink his hard-line assumptions when faced with real people who should fit those stereotypes, but don't. Indeed, these many experiences strongly show Jim's own discovery of a more relational approach to faith and those around him.

In many ways, I saw much of my own perspective in Jim's outlook on life and the world in general, and even found much theological common ground in the rare instances where he delved (however lightly) into theology. Of course, reading his thoughts gives me a few suspicions about the kind of reception his ideas might find in the greater Christian (particularly evangelical and fundamentalist) community. Indeed, I find myself wondering if a witch writing a glowing review of his book might merely give his biggest critics more "ammo." But I'm hoping Jim would appreciate my words anyway.

Overall, Divine Nobodies was well worth my time. In fact, I hope to follow up by obtaining and reading a copy of Wide Open Spaces in the near future.

The picture in my post is of my parents' kitten, Kisa, and one of the "outdoor cats" that often come indoors to visit her, Gray. I figured I'd spice up this entry with a picture that my father took of them playing together last week. After all, it's catblogging day, right?

As I write this, I'm sitting at my parents' home, relaxing. I drove down here yesterday morning after getting up, finishing packing, showering, and dressing. We had the traditional turkey dinner with all the extras at three in the afternoon. Then Mom took a nap, as she had to work third shift last night. When she got back up, we all sat down and watched Sky High. My parents had never seen it before and loved it.

Today, I got up, showered, and ran to town so that I could pick up a copy of Divine Nobodies. (Special thanks to Erin for recommending it.) I decided to start it this afternoon rather than waiting until the car trip tomorrow. So far, I've enjoyed it overall and hope to write about it after I've finished it and processed through all my thoughts.

Speaking of tomorrow's trip, I was pleased to discover that only my aunt and uncle, Janet and Tom, will be riding down with Dad and I. Of all my relatives, they're some of my favorites. It also means that conversations during the trip should remain relatively casual and "safe." So that's quite a relief. My cousin, Melissa, will also be coming from Philadelphia, which means I'll get to see her a second time in the same three month period. Considering we went two years without seeing each other prior to her wedding, this is pretty significant.

I have to admit that I do miss some of my friends right now. I love my family, and I'm constantly feeling more comfortable around them (I even managed to mention a couple of gay friends in the context of relationship while talking with my mother yesterday). But at the same time, I miss spending time with those I've built mutually beneficial relationships with over the past couple years. In fact, I think I'll call Michele here in a bit.

I'm going to skip the common practice of listing the things I'm thankful for. Instead, I'm merely going to say that I'm thankful for my life in general and the countless blessings -- both large and small -- that have come to fill it.

The second picture is one I just took of Precious curled up on her grandpa's lap.

Last night, I met Rick at Equal Grounds to play a couple of games. We often do this on a Wednesday night. Since we both had other plans for tonight, he suggested we get together yesterday instead.

This time, he asked me to look over the games there at the shop and select three for him to choose from. (Normally, he gives me three options and I make the final choice.) So I recommended Scrabble, Monopoly (which we had played last Wednesday), and Yahtzee. To my surprise and delight, Rick chose the third game. This was great because I'm actually a big fan of Yahtzee, though I actually prefer the related game from my childhood, Kismet.

The two games are similar enough that playing with Rick last night reminded me of the numerous times my sister, my parents, and I sat with my grandfather at his dining room table playing Kismet. (That is, when the grown-ups weren't playing Euchre.) It particularly reminded me of the one game when I somehow managed to roll three or four different Kismets. (Of course, that memory was probably particularly triggered by my first game with Rick, wherein I rolled two Yahtzees within the first five or ten minutes of the game. I consider myself lucky he consented to play a second an third game with me after that.)

I found these particular memories warming because it's one of the rare pleasant memories I have of spending time at my grandfather's house (at least after my grandmother passed away). To be honest, my sister and I were often bored during our weekly visits, as it was far more common for my parents and my grandfather to play cards, leaving the two of us to either do homework or find something on television to watch once we had finished with the Sunday comics (the other exciting gem of every visit to Grandpa's house). So the bulk of these visits were often endured rather than enjoyed, making the times when we played Kismet a fun change of pace.

It's been several years since my grandfather passed away, and I find myself now wondering what ever became of his Kismet game. In retrospect, I almost wish I would've had the insight to ask my parents if they could set it aside for me when they and my aunts and uncles went through Grandpa's belongings. But alas, I didn't think of it now.

However, today I did confirm that Kismet is still for sale, and I expect to pick up my own set in the near future. The memories from last night just makes it all the more tempting. I wonder if I'll ever get Rick to indulge me in a couple games sometime.

Tonight or tomorrow morning, I'm headed back to my parents' house for the Thanksgiving holiday. Saturday, my father and I will drive down to York to have dinner with much of the extended family. It's a four hour or so drive, so I hope to do some reading on the trip. Of course, I suspect other members of the extended family will be joining us, so I need to be judicious in my selection of reading material.

For those who may not know, I am the religious oddity in my family. While I am a practicing witch, just about everyone else (at least on my father's side of the family) is a conservative, evangelical, and even fundamentalist Christian. This means that sitting with them while reading such selections as Witch in the Bedroom or Anything But Straight would probably lead to all sorts of unpleasantness. And while part of me feels like I'm reaching a point where I need to assert myself around my family regardless of how they may react, the holiday season just doesn't seem like a good time to do so. (Too bad it's about the only time I seem to see most of them.) So I've started thinking through some choices that may be safe.

The first obvious choice is my new copy of Beowulf. (Special thanks to Pisco for bringing this particular translation to my attention.) I figure that no one can complain about me reading classic literature. And hey, they don't need to know that I'm reading it for spiritual reasons in addition to literary ones.

As another option (because I always have to have multiple books available to read) is American Gods. Because even if it's fiction that my family may not care for, fiction is still a relatively safe choice. As long as it's not erotic fiction, of course.

In many ways I'm looking forward to the trip, too. Melissa's wedding reminded me that I don't spend nearly enough time with my extended family, and I need to change that to some extent. Of course, that means putting aside some of my own biases, as I've unfortunately come to expect time with my family to be unpleasant. (In reality, the unpleasantness only comes from one or two people, who often aren't even there.) But in the end, I'm hoping it'll be worth it.

In the meantime, I'll be looking over my shelves for a third and possibly fourth choice in "safe" reading material.

As I foreshadowed in a previous post, I made my way to the IMAX theater last night to see Beowulf in 3-D. Belinda joined me, for which I was grateful. I would have gone to see the movie alone, but preferred the company. It turned out to be a fun evening for both of us.

The movie itself was fantastic. The special effects and fight sequences were expertly done without being overwrought. The plot, while perhaps a bit underdeveloped in places, was fantastic and portrayed the underlying themes of temptation and betrayal quite well. The 3-D aspect of the movie was also well done and there were a few points where I just about jumped out of my seat.

The ending was particularly powerful in my mind. It left me wondering whether Beowulf's friend and successor would slay the troublesome she-demon or make the hero's same mistakes, thereby repeating the cycle. Belinda is sure the latter is more true, but I'm not entirely sure. But then, I suppose that just shows my eternal optimism.

As I mentioned previously, this was the first time I've ever seen a movie in IMAX. I think that I could not have chosen a better show for my first experience. There's something about seeing the battle scenes in this movie on such a large screen that is well worthwhile. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, that I'm considering repeating the experience with other friends who couldn't make it last night. Considering the fact that I usually complain about the cost of regular theater tickets, I'd say that says a lot about how I feel about this movie.

Of course, I now have yet more reason to buy myself a copy of the original epic poem.

I used to think that the argument about whether to have paid clergy was a uniquely Pagan thing. So imagine my surprise when Pastor Phil brought it up in the context of the Christian Church on his synchroblog post from yesterday. Then I found a post by Adam Gonnerman detailing some of his own thoughts on paid clergy. (He's for it, but with certain qualifications). It's a fascinating read and I highly recommend giving it careful consideration.

Beyond my own surprise at this discovery, I think that it's important. Christians have had paid clergy for a long time now, and if they're re-evaluating their own take on the matter, I think that we as Pagans would do well to pay attention and consider what they have to say. Even if Pagans, in part or as a whole, do decide to continue the quest for developing paid clergy, we can at least benefit from hearing the lessons people like Adam and Phil have learned through their own experiences and those of their predecessors. In effect, perhaps we can avoid a few mistakes by being attentive listeners.

Personally, I still have mixed feelings on the idea of Pagan getting paid (and especially full time) clergy. And I think I'm still against it in some ways (at least for my tradition, which I strongly feel calls for each member to be their own priest, which would make paid full-time clergy unnecessary and wasteful), but I don't feel as strongly about it as I once did.

I've been thinking about writing a spiritually-themed post for the past couple of weeks. However, until tonight, I haven't gotten around to it. In part, this is due to laziness on my part. I simply haven't taken the time to sit down and try to put my thoughts in order.

Of course, it's also in part because we have entered the dark half of the year, and the part of the Wheel where silence tends to reign. So my thoughts have turned inward, and I find myself wanting to spend most of my time mulling about spiritual matters -- especially how they apply to my life -- rather than blathering on about them.

And then there's the fact that my musings and experiences have taken me into realms that I'm simply not sure I want to talk about quite yet. In many ways, I'm still adjusting to recent events and new things in my life and I'm not ready to be broadcasting some of it. So in many ways, I expect this post will be short and somewhat vague.

It is clear that I have started a new leg of my spiritual journey, and one that will be guided and influenced quite heavily by my lady and patroness, Freyja. This is not surprising, as anyone who knows me well likely has a good sense of how dear and important she is to me. So it's probably not too surprising that she has chosen to strengthen and deepen our relationship.

Of course, this has not been a sudden thing. Indeed, the first conscious indication that new things were coming occurred during the Friday night seance at the naturist festival I went to back in August. During that seance, Freyja began to prepare me energetically. I spent the entire evening feeling like my head was buzzing. (She even made her presence known to Belinda in order to confirm for me what was going on.)

Since that time, things have continued to progress between her and I, and it's been an exhilarating if nerve-wracking experience. I'm not entirely sure where everything is going, though I'm becoming more comfortable with the overall experience.

I do know that it means that I'm going to end up taking a more visible and active role in the world around me. I have work to do, and I have work to do in order to get ready for it.

One of the major highlights of my day today was taking a nice long walk through parts of Rochester. My trip started on University Avenue just east of Culver, took me to Monroe Ave just west of Union, and back to my starting point. It took me right around an hour and a half. Considering I stopped at Magnolia's for a sandwich on the westward portion of my trip, I think I made pretty good time.

To be honest, though, I'm a bit surprised at how tired my legs got on the journey. Considering the fact that I spent the summer taking a monthly seven mile walk along the canal, I figured I'd be fine on this trip. Sure, I haven't taken that walk since September, and my walking in general has declined since then due to the cold weather. However, I've been finding other forms of exercise (such as using the stationary bike in the fitness center) that let me stay warm, and the amount of time I spend exercising each week has been more or less the same. So I was surprised by how much my legs started bothering me. Especially considering think the stationary bike is a more intense workout overall.

The only thing that I can figure is that the walking, while less intense, involves more impact. While cycling involves the same muscles, the motion is more fluid. There's not the jarring effect of actually setting your foot on the hard concrete and shifting your weight as you push yourself forward to take your next step. To me, this makes the most sense, as most of the trouble I had was with my knees and calves.

Fortunately, they're already starting to feel better. However, I think it may be time for new shoes again, as I notice the balls of my feet are also someone tender. But at least I got outside for a while. And I even got some sunlight with my exercise. I miss that from this summer.

Apparently, the gods decided I needed a bit of a confidence boost this evening. Two different guys decided to check me out while Michele, Belinda, and I were at the restaurant tonight. Unfortunately, neither of them took it to the next level by asking me for my phone number, but it was a nice experience, nonetheless.

In reality, I didn't notice the one guy checking me out, but both of my companions assured me he did. It was while we were standing at the front of the restaurant waiting for our turn to be seated. Two young men in their mid-twenties (or so I'd estimate) stood on the other side of the aisle leading from the front door of the restaurant to the hostess's station. Apparently, the one looked over my way and took several seconds to check me over. What a shame nothing came of it, though.

The other instance I'm not 100% sure of, but the guy who seated us when it was our turn seemed incredibly friendly. Once we took our seats, he turned to me and complimented me on my creative tee shirt (it's the "2QT2BSTR8" one). Now many people have commented on this shirt, but this is the first time someone has struck up almost a full minute long conversation over the topic. Granted, I still might have shrugged it off as nothing if Michele didn't comment on the incident herself. (Indeed, she went so far as to say she wanted to tell him to ask me out already by the time our brief conversation ended.) And he did exchange smiles a couple more times throughout the meal, so it was interested. But alas, he never said anything. And to be frank, I've embarrassed myself one too many times to take a chance on mistaking yet another person in the service sector as being more friendly than their job requires or even suggests.

All the same, it was nice to be noticed. I hope it keeps happening on a regular basis. Though I also hope one of these guys gets up the courage to do more than just check me out.

Erin and I started a great comment conversation on my previous post regarding "unplugging." We both agreed that neither of us are ready to "unplug" (at least not completely). After all, how would I get my blogging fix? Though I do think that disentangling oneself from the fast-paced electronic and telecommunications world for short periods of time is good. When I've done it, I've found it gives me time to recharge and relax. After all, far too often, I begin to realize that my planned time relaxing at the computer isn't as relaxing as I thought. But then, I think many things we do to "relax" often prove not to be very relaxing, i we were to look at things more honestly. So when my computer time becomes more of a strain than a joy, I take it as time to leave my computer turned off and find more rejuvenating activities.

But personally, I think that this is an example of a much bigger problem. In general, I think we as people tend to fill our lives with a lot of clutter when it comes to our schedule. We fill as much activity (and sadly, I'm including the time spent in front of the television with this) in our daily lives as we can, far too much, if you ask me. And then we complain when we feel drained and exhausted at the end of each day. This is not reasonable behavior, so why do we do it?

Personally, I think we're driven by the quest for something, most likely satisfaction. If we can just fit that one more activity into our lives like we've been thinking about, maybe we'll feel like we have a full and complete life. Maybe we'll feel like we've accomplished something then. Maybe we'll finally find what we've been yearning for. (Of course, I also think that a desire to avoid ourselves on some levels is a major contributor. But that's probably best saved for another post someday.)

The problem is, this is the classic case of confusing quantity for quality. Much of these activities in our lives ultimately hold no meaning on a deeper level, I think. They entertain us. They keep us busy. They give us a superficial satisfaction that we're out doing something. (And as a former recluse, I can certainly appreciate the allure of that feeling.) But they don't really effect us on a deeper level. In the end, they don't satisfy.

I think it's important to occasionally look at our daily lives and the activity we fill it with and look for the clutter. It's important to notice the activities that aren't necessarily serving the purpose we thought they would and honestly re-evaluate whether they are worth our time, time that could be spent on much more fulfilling pursuits (like the rediscovery of self). It's time to slow down and look for quality activity in our lives rather than the fast-paced race that leaves us exhausted and never quite as satisfied as we had hoped.

Last Saturday, I went to see Into the Wild with my friend, Rick. The entire movie fascinated and captivated me from first scene to closing credits. The story told was both touching and powerful. It covers the story of Christopher McCandless, a young man who takes off after college graduation to roam the country (with a brief trip into Mexico) for two years before entering the Alaskan wilderness to discover himself. During his travels, he demonstrates great insights and touches the lives of more than one person before his story comes to an unfortunate end.

In addition to telling a powerful story, this movie offered up many themes and thoughts that I could identify with. The movie suggested time and again that one of the driving motivations behind McCandless's journey was a dissatisfaction with society and its structures and facades, preferring a simpler, more direct life. In more than one scene, McCandless promotes the idea of stripping away facades as well as becoming more self-reliant. This is a sentiment I often share with McCandless, though I do not plan to disappear into the Alaskan wilderness anytime.

But I think that to a lesser degree, McCandless offers us all sage advice to us all about learning to step beyond the complexities and games that have become an innate part of our civilization. He calls us to consider becoming more direct, more honest, and more authentic. And these are all things that we can benefit from. And if it leads us to lead somewhat simpler lives, all the better.

In the end, McCandless learns one truth in his isolation near the end of his journey. He reveals that truth by writing in one of his precious books, "Happiness is nothing unless it is shared." (That may be a paraphrase rather than a direct quote.) It is both strange and unfortunate that to learn this wisdom, he had to spend an extended time alone. But then, I suppose we all are prone to take for granted the people with whom we share our lives with.

Overall, this movie is incredible, and I would highly recommend it to everyone.

After seeing the previews for it, I've decided that I want to go see Beowulf on opening night, next Friday night. After checking out the movies official site, I learned that, as I had hoped, they are releasing it in IMAX theaters as well. In fact, they're doing an IMAX 3D release. And it's even playing at my local IMAX theater. This will make it my first IMAX movie experience.

I don't normally go to see movies on opening night. I tend to like to avoid large crowds, which is hard to do if you attend the premier night of a well-advertised and much-anticipated movie. However, given the fact the subject matter is related to the mythical basis of my own spirituality and the fact that the previews look great, I've decided to make an exception this time around. So next Friday will find me in line at the IMAX theaters waiting for the Beowulf experience. I'll consider it a special treat to myself.

Of course, I was also further motivated by the discovery that Neil Gaiman had his hand in the screenplay.

I stand there, sorting through my thoughts. I feel her there with me, her quiet intensity filling the room and my soul. It both comforts me and unnerves me. I know she is waiting for me to speak my mind. I take a few more moments before finding my voice. "This really is just the beginning, isn't it?"

I can picture her nodding her head slightly as her powerful yet soft voice answers me. "Yes, it is. You have quite the journey ahead of you."

"It's not going to be easy, is it?"

She pauses before replying. "I doubt it'll be as bad as you fear. But no, it won't be easy. You will face many challenges. But you can overcome them each in turn."

"And I'll make it okay?"

"Nothing is guaranteed. You know that. Much relies on your choices. But I do think you'll be fine, yes."

"And you'll be with me?"

"The whole way. I don't abandon those I call on."

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend."

At that, she laughs. "I'm not offended. You're nervous, and that's understandable."

"It'd help if I had a better idea where this was all going."

"No, it wouldn't." She says this with firmness. "It'd just make you all that much more anxious and worried. No, we will take it one day at a time. One step at a time."

"But we will take each step?"

Again, she pauses before replying. "Yes. You made a choice. What comes next are the results of that choice. Even if you were to stop now, there's no going back."

"And staying where I am would become unbearable, right?"

"You learn quickly. Besides, would you really want to stop this journey now?"

It's now my turn to pause before answering. I think about the past few months. I think of all the progress I've made and the rewards I've reaped because of it. "No. But you already know that."

"Of course. But it's good to remind you of it from time to time."

"I suppose it is. But I'm frightened."

"Of course you are. I'd be concerned if you weren't."

A wry smile crosses my lips. "Because that'd mean I was crazy, right?"

"Something like that, yes. Do you feel better now?"

"I think so."

"Good. You need your rest now."

"I think so too. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Sleep well."

"I will. Goodnight." And with that, I slip into unconsciousness.