The Musings of a Confused Man

Saturday, I spent the day at the Rochester Pagan Pride Festival. I had an absolutely wonderful time, and look forward to going again in the future.

Most of the day, I spent hanging out with Wendy and her friends. She was kind enough to let me put out a few fliers for the POC on her table. Quite a few people ended up taking them. With any luck, that means we'll see some new faces real soon.

I didn't attend many workshops, as I was having too much fun talking with friends and what-not. The one that I did manage to attend was the Crystal Singing Bowl meditation, led by the good folks from Singing Bowl Expressions. I've been to one of the monthly meditations that Dawn and Jeff hold at Psychic's Thyme before. While I certainly enjoyed my experience there, it paled in comparison to the demonstration at Pride this year. This workshop involved ten different bowls, each vibrating at their own frequency. While I was not one of the many people who immediately found themselves out of their body, I could certainly feel my own energy channels responding to the experience. I also remember opening my eyes a couple of times and realizing I couldn't focus my vision. It was an incredibly rewarding experience.

I also got a book on Pagan ethics that Patricia Telesco recently wrote under another pen name. As Ms. Telesco was one of the invited speakers at the festival (and I bought the book directly from her), I had the chance to discuss it with her. I told her about my desire to do some research and planning over the next year and put together a local workshop on Pagan ethics. She was quite happy about the idea and encouraged me. I also shared with her about my blog entry concerning the line in the Charge of the Goddess that declares "all acts of love and pleasure" to be rites of the Goddess. She paid me a rather high compliment in regards to how I approached that line and the sentences surrounding it. It was rather encouraging.

I think the person who impressed me most at the festival, however, was someone I never actually got the opportunity to speak to. That's the young man, Adam, who stood about ten to fifteen feet from the entrance to the festival, handing out Christian tracts to anyone who would take them. According to one of the organizers I spoke with later, Adam is a regular "attendee" of Rochester Pagan Pride. And I think he deserves a great deal of credit for the level of respect he showed. Despite Adam's obvious disagreement with the religious views of most of the festival goers and his desire to "save" us, he was able to offer his message in a rather unobtrusive way. He was alwas polite when people refused his tracts (strangely, he never actually offered me one) and never attempted to start an argument. I can totally respect the way he chose to demonstrate his convictions.

In a mostly unrelated topic, I'd just like to say that my friend, Becky, also thinks that the guy who waited on me at the sub shop we bought lunch at was interested in me. I'm not sure I agree with her, but it was kind of nice to entertain the notion. I just wish that if he really were interested in me, he'd have said something.

After a bit of deliberation and carrying on about how shy and nervous I usually am, I eventually convinced myself to go to COAP's game night tonight. In retrospect, I'm glad I did. To be honest, I'm not sure when I've had that kind of fun.

I arrived at the coffee house a little before 6:30pm. As I was early, I decided to take the time to pull out the laptop an work on my writing. As I was finishing up the next chapter in A Journey to Queerdom, people started showing up. So I finished editing the pages locally, then turned off the computer, ordered another iced tea and went over to introduce myself.

By the end of the night, there were a total of six of us. Originally, four of us played Gloom, which is probably one of the most morbid games I've ever played. (Is it bad that I enjoyed it?) I almost won, but Woody cleared all the modifiers off one of my family members just before Paul killed off his last family member. As a result, Paul won the game.

The next game we played -- involving all six of us this time -- was Phase 10. Now I think I vaguely recall playing this game once before, but it was a few years ago. Fortunately, it was similar enough to other games that I caught on rather quickly. In fact, for the first few hands, I managed to take the lead. Eventually, that changed and I was probably close to being low man on the totem pole (kinky!) by the time I had to leave. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to stick around and finish the game, as I have to go to work early tomorrow and I'm working a ten hour or better shift. In fact, I shouldn't be taking the time to write this, but I figure I need the chance to wind down, anyway.

Overall, game night was a great experience. It's been a long time since I've sat down with a group of guys (and the first time when I wasn't the only gay guy in the bunch) and just hung out. It was nice to chat, joke around with one another, and just have a leisurely visit. In a lot of ways, it reminded me a lot of the nights my family will get together to play cards. I'm alread looking forward to the next game night at the end of this month.

Last night, as planned, I headed over to The Golden Port to meet other COAP members for a late dinner. I arrived a bit late, but found the large group. I ended up sitting down on one end. Marlena sat across from me. I didn't catch the name of the gentleman who sat to my right. When he came, a man by the name of Sam sat to my left.

I haven't entirely made up my mind about how I feel about the experience, to be honest with you. This is because it was a chaotic dinner and there were both high points and low points. I've pretty much decided that I need to attend the same dinner next month and possibly the one after that before I make up my mind about whether I'm going to continue going to them.

In fairness to the group, I was tired by the time I got there. I had worked until 7pm that evening, and my shift had been mentally exhausting. Combine that with the general physical inactivity of a desk job, and you have a state of being that didn't quite put me at my peak for socializing, anyway. Add to that the fact that my natural shyness and tendency towards introversion was trying to assert itself at the same time, and I have to admit that I was not in my element to begin with.

Now, add to this the fact that most of the other dinner-goers had just come from the business forum. Both Zara and Jennie talked to me about the business forum, but I really don't understand much about it other than (1) it serves as a monthly fundraiser for Pride and (2) it involves the consumption of alcohol. So I was tired, feeling introverted, and surrounded by a group of people who were all intoxicated to some degree or another. This is not a good combination when you're empathically gifted. So I spent a couple moments at various points in the dinner just trying to get my already work-addled mind to put my shielding exercises to effective use.

Then there was the minor issue of the fact that I was a newcomer entering into a group situation where everyone else knew each other and were great friends for the most part. I think it's difficult for all but the most socially agressive people to find a way to break in on that sort of situation. So I was finding it difficult to get involved in the conversations that I was able to hear and follow through all the chaos.

Sam and I did talk a bit, however. We didn't say anything earth shattering, mind you. But I will admit that he was a bit more outgoing than the others seated immediately around me, which helped me break the ice a bit better. He was quite funny, and I was able to warm up a bit more after his arrival, for which I'm grateful.

Also, towards the end of the meal, Zara got up from her seat and wandered around so that she could say hello to those who were too far from her while she was eating. She came down and spoke to Sam and I for a while, which was a nice experience. Even that brief conversation improved my own experience a great deal. She told me about the business forum, and encouraged me to attend that as well next month. I haven't made a final decision, though I am certainly considering it. I asked her if they also serve non-alcoholic beverages (the only thing more trying than being an empath around intoxicated people is being an intoxicated empath around intoxicated people -- and possibly even sober people), which I don't think she ever actually answered, come to think of it. Of course, she made sure that Sam and I had been introduced and gotten along. Sam made up this rather amusing melodramatic story about how it had been rough at first and we even had a spat, but we were able to patch things up. It was hillarious, and Estella would've loved it.

So overall, I suppose I did have a good time. At least I had a good enough time that I'm willing to give it another try come May. However, given this experience, I think I'll try to plan ahead a bit. For example, I will do my best to make sure that I don't work longer hours earlier in the day. If at all possible, I'll even try to put in an extra hour or so earlier in the week so I can knock off a bit early. That way, I can get in some meditation and other work to better prepare myself for the chaos. That should help put me in a state where I'm more able to focus on trying to be sociable. And hopefully, as I attend a few more times, I'll start getting to know people better and find it easier to find a place in the various conversations going on.

Last night was another COAP game night. It was a fun time, despite the relatively low turn-out. There are actually a number of things I could write about based on last night's events. However, for now, I'm choosing to focus on something that came up during a discussion between Woody and Mark during the "meeting" portion of the night.

Woody and Mark have been involved in COAP for long periods of time, so they got reminiscing. At one point, Woody started talking about his history with COAP and his pattern of disappearing and coming back. One of the things that he pointed out was that often, his disappearances occurred at the same time he started seeing someone, while he came back after the relationship ended. Mark commented that this is common, and even joked that it's the "gay lifestyle."

At this turn of the conversation, a couple of thoughts entered my mind. The first one was a sense of relief that I'm not the only one prone to this kind of behavior. Indeed, one of the things that I realized when I started coming to COAP events was that I'd have to fight the urge to drop out when I eventually get into a relationship. So it was nice to know that other people have those same tendencies.

But then, I had to ask the question. Why is that? Why is part of the "gay lifestyle" to drop off the social circle when you meet that special someone. Is it because we see the social circle as nothing more than a marketplace for picking up our next lover? That's certainly a frightening thought in itself!

Of course, I should note that I don't think this is strictly a gay thing. I've noticed that a good number of heterosexual couples tend to lose track of their friends over time, too. After all, my parents don't get out nearly as much as they used to (though my father does socialize more through their church than my mother does). Often, they're content to do their work, meet a few communal obligations, then head home.

But it seems to me from my observations that it happens much more quickly and suddenly amongst gay people (especially men). While heterosexual couples may become more insular and reclusive over time, it seems like we do it at the earliest opportunity. Which I don't think is healthy, for reasons I covered before. So why do we do it?

Personally, I think it's in part because we're often afraid of finding true love that we've become obssessed with it to the exclusion of everything else. So when we're with someone, all of our attention turns towards building and maintaining that relationship. After all, we're not sure when the next one is coming along (and with only a small percentage of the population to work with, finding eligible, desirable lovers can seem like a daunting task), so we want to do everything we can to make it work. So we allow other friendships and our other activities to come along. Add to this the fact that the early stages of any relationship can be quite intoxicating and addicting, and it becomes an understandable pattern.

But realizing this doesn't make continuing the pattern a good idea. In some ways, I think it demonstrates why we -- both individually and collectively -- need to break this pattern.

Last night, I attended the LGBT Community Forum that was held at the Downtown United Presbyterian Church. This event was organized by the Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley, AIDS Rochester, and several other organizations to give the community a chance to learn the full details about the June 1 gay bashing and subsequent police misconduct that occurred in Rochester, as well as to give members of the community a chance to speak up and share their own reactions to the incident and others like it.

After city council member Bill Pritchard spoke, Alexandra Cobus gave a brief history of the June 1 incident based on the investigation so far. Without giving a level of detail that might compromise the investigation, Ms. Cobus walked the community throught he events of the bashing. Rather than attempt to repeat that account exactly, I will merely offer some of the details that stood out to me. There were eight people in total attacked that night, with two separate incidents. The eight victims, all friends, were leaving the Avenue Pub between two and three that morning, heading in the direction of Park Avenue. They were travelling in two groups, with the second group lagging behind the first by approximately five minutes. The perpetrators attacked both groups with a metal pipe in turn while expressing anti-gay slurs.

An unidentified witness called the police at the time of the first attack, and a number of officers (witness accounts place the number between twelve and fifteen) arrived shortly after the second assault. When some of the victims approached the officers on the scene, they were told to go home. They requested to file a police report, only to be denied. In the process, three of the people who were attacked were arrested.

According to Ms. Cobus, there are currently two separate police investigations going on. The first is a criminal investigation against those who attacked both groups. The second investigation is to address the matter of police misconduct in regards to the matter. Ms. Cobus also indicated that according to the chief of police, the misconduct investigation is considered a higher priority.

One of the other issues that Ms. Cobus addressed were the rumors surrounding FBI involvement in the investigation. She wished to make it clear that the FBI was only investigating the allegations of police misconduct. At this time, the FBI simply does not have the jurisdiction to investigate a hate crime based on sexual orientation. As an aside, this is why the current legislation that would add sexual orientation to the federal hate crimes law is so important. If this legislation passes, the FBI would have jurisdiction in future incidents of this nature.

Afterwards, members of the community were given their chance to speak and express their feelings. Most notably, those with similar experiences were encouraged to share them. I didn't count them (or record their stories), but I'd estimate that seven or eight people spoke up to share similar experiences of being harassed, stalked, or assaulted, only to have poor police response. Needless to say, there was a great deal of anger and tension in the room. It's no surprised that the organizers asked a member of the LGBT who is a psychologist to mediate this portion of the night's agenda.

The night concluded with a half hour brainstorming session where everyone in attendance was invited to bring up their suggestions on how to prevent such future incidents -- or at least improve how they're handled. Ideas were wildly varied and included everything from improved training for police officers in handling these kinds of crimes to protests and demonstrations. There were a number of excellent suggestions, and I hope that we as a community find a way to implement many of them in the coming months.

I decided to get up this morning and attend the 10am service at the First Unitarian Church of Rochester NY. I had heard of it back when I first came to the Rochester area and had even learned approximately where it was. However, I had originally decided not to check it out.

That was largely due to my experiences at the UUA church back in Big Flats. Those experiences weren't negative in any sense. The people were friendly enough, as was the pastor. I got no sense that the leadership was abusive (spiritually or otherwise). In fact, I would be hard pressed to say anything disparaging about the church there. I'd even encourage those who are interested in that church to check it out for themselves.

So why did I quit going? It simply wasn't right for me. I have an idea of the kind of spirituality I'm looking for, and I didn't find it there. Instead, I found a number of services that included what were (in my opinion, at least) exercises in hyper-intellectualism. As I was looking for something more down-to-earth and applicable to real life, I just decided the services weren't for me.

In many ways, that was too bad. I actually liked the people there and would have considered socializing with them and building friendships. (Indeed, had I attended that church now, I might be willing to give it more time than I did back then for that very reason.) But spirituality-wise, I didn't find a good fit. And since that's what I was looking for at the time, I moved on.

To be honest (and I hope Tracie and any other UU readers won't hold this against me), that's generally been my impression of the UUA in general. UU's are great people, and I'd gladly have lengthy conversations with them, go on picnics with them, and generally just hang out. But as a rule, I just think that the UU is too loose and unfocused for the kind of worship I appreciate and look for.

However, when I was once again reminded of First Unitarian here in Rochester last week, I decided I might as well give it another try. After all, this is a different church. And I have grown as a person. So I convinced myself to set aside my skepticism and prejudices and have a go. I'm glad I did.

Let me just say that this morning's sermon did not suffer from the hyper-intellectualism I had experienced in Big Flats. In fact, I found this morning's sermon, which focused on "The path of non-effort" and learning to be the one being helped rather than the one helping to be entirely applicable to my life. Indeed, it fit well into many of the lessons I'm going through on my own right now.

The rest of the service was quite nice as well. It had a time for prayer and meditation, some group hymns, and some readings from various sources. I also liked how everyone was encouraged to stay after the service for coffee to talk and learn about the various programs the church is offering.

I suspect I'll go back again soon, possibly as early as next week. In fact, if today's service is representative, I could find myself becoming a regular attender. Mind you, I don't think I will ever make Unitarian Universalism my primary spiritual identity. Nor do I think it will become my primary form of worship. I prefer too much focus and tradition for that. Besides, I'm a witch through and through. But I could certainly see myself as going to First Unitarian as a secondary form of corporate worship. It would give me a chance to be around other open-minded people too, which is always a plus.