The Musings of a Confused Man

I'm in the mood for some uplifting thoughts and writing something absolutely glowing. As such, I think I will write about my dear friend, Stace. Now a lot of people probably know Stace. Around Bloop, she's known as The Sentinel. And she writes an excellent diary which I highly recommend to everyone.

In reality, the real reason I'm writing about Stace is two-fold. For starters, I've thought about her in a couple different conversations I've had this morning. And she just seems to be on my thoughts. And since I really need to write a diary entry anyway and it's always easy to write about whatever is on your mind, it seemed like a logical conclusion to make. (Besides, I'm also having fun imagining her blushing as she reads this.)

So, who is this person? If I sat and thought about it, and poured all my writing skill into my efforts, I still don't think I could ever make a description of her that would be fitting. She's just too nice and wonderful for that. She's caring, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, and strong. I don't believe in role models, but if I did, I think Stace would be high on my list of excellent role models.

Stace is a Christian. Stace is a devout Christian, in fact, and it doesn't take long talking to her to realize that her faith influences everything in her life. And yet, she has a nature -- a way of carrying herself, if you will -- that makes that seem perfectly natural and desirable. It seems to me that for her, it's not a matter of doing or making things fit. It's a matter of her being who she is. And this makes it an attractive trait in her.

Stace has very strong convictions about things. She knows what she believes and why she believes it, and she makes no apology about it. And yet, she can interact with people who don't share -- or even oppose -- her convictions and demonstrate a level of warmth, dignity, and respect that is astonishing. I often get the impression that she can say to someone, "I disagree with you," and yet not feel the need to draw that disagreement into a long, distasteful argument thinly disguised as "debate" or "discussion." To be honest, I think that's one of the things that truly amazes me about her. Perhaps in part because it's something that I envy about her. It's something in my life that I -- who still struggles with the urge to "have the last word" more often than I'd like to admit -- still need to work on. And I think that seeing how she's able to rise above that kind of smallness on a consistent basis inspires me. (Well, when it doesn't shame me, at least.)

But the other thing about Stace's convictions is that while she's uncompromising, she's also not above re-evaluating. That probably doesn't make much sense, so let me explain. Being a Christian, she believes that the Bible is the inerrant word of God. She believes that it is the primary source -- if not the sole source -- of religious Truth and a precious gift from the Almighty. Now, a lot of Christians will tell you that. But I'll be honest, I don't believe all Christians who tell me that necessarily believe it. I've been known to get into arguments (you see, there I go not emulating Stace) with a small number of Christians who will use the Bible to "prove their point." Often times, when they do this, they will use one or two verses, completely ignoring the overall message. (And worse, they sometimes take those verses out of context.) On very rare occasion, I've even seen some go so far as to rationalize their interpretation even after you've pointed this out. (I recently got into this argument over one Christian's interpretation of John 1, and am currently trying to remind myself to swallow my pride and extricate myself from what has become a pointless argument.) But I have never seen Stace do this. Sure, I've seen Stace select Bible passages (though as I think of it, it seems to me that she chooses entire passages over single verses more often than not) to demonstrate what she believes, but she's also open to re-examining her interpretations. And she also often talks about searching through the Bible to study on a particular topic. She does this to understand what she believes -- or even to re-examine why she believes something and how Biblical it is. I have a lot of respect for someone who can openly show that the Bible is as much about her personal search for Truth as demonstrating the Truth to others. Overall, it just seems to demonstrate a tangible belief that the Bible really is a Holy and sacred thing.

The other thing that makes Stace wonderful is that she listens. Back in college, I had to learn about this concept that was called "active listening." I don't know if Stace had to learn that at some point in her life too, but just in conversations with her, I can tell that she understands the basic concepts involved and practices them regularly. She takes an active interest in people, and tries to understand them better. Even when their views don't match up with her own. And most importantly, she doesn't just inquire about these things for the sake of "getting more ammo." There are some people whose questions I'm wary of answering. In my experience, some people ask questions and then listen to the answers just enough to formulate their next argument. But Stace doesn't do that. She does it because she's sincerely interested and wants to understand. It's easier to to talk freely with someone who doesn't always seem to have an "ulterior motive" hiding just below the surface.

But I think what truly amazes me is that she understands love and she's a loving person. When Stace says she loves someone, they know it. Too often, people talk about loving others and say they do, but it's in an abstract sense. The problem is, love is not an abstraction, it's a real, solid thing. And it's expressed through actions. Little actions, big actions, but always actions, and definite actions. And Stace demonstrates it through her listening, sincere curiosity, and warm heart. Some days, I don't know how she balances standing for her convictions with her loving heart as well as she does. But I'm glad she days.

Like I said, I could never truly describe Stace in a way that does her justice. But I hope that I've at least expressed my adoration for her and described a small portion of her delightful and honorable nature fairly.

I haven't put an update in here lately. I thought I'd go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.

We'll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.

I am leaving a number of message boards. I'm starting to discover that they're little more than "distractions" to me. I really don't get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don't have much to offer there, either. So it's time to "cut bait," so to speak.

In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won't be too far in the future.

I'm thinking over a couple of projects I'm considering working on. I don't want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it'd be good to indicate that I'm looking to make life more productive.

I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I'm not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.

The last few months, I've been involved with starting up a Pagan Outreach Center. Today, we started to set up the office space we're renting at Village Gate Square. A couple of us made trips to the various homes of people who offered furniture and other items to furnish the office.

One of the things I learned today while helping move heavy furniture is that contrary to what we sometimes think, there are still perfect strangers willing to lend a helping hand. While another volunteer and I were unloading a large and rather heavy display case from the truck, another delivery man walked over and helped us get it unloaded. Then as we were rolling it through the building on our way towards the elevator, we had to go through a closed door. As we were halfway through the door, a shopper passing by offered to hold the door for us to make our job a little easier.

Finally, a shopkeeper near the elevator saw our slow progress. We were moving the display case using a couple of old rollers off a printing press (a moving trick I learned from my father, who actually services such machines). It's a workable solution -- and certainly easier on the back than trying to carry such a heavy piece of furniture -- but it makes for slow progress, as you have to stick a roller back under the front of the item you're moving every six to ten feet. As we went by the one shop, the proprietor saw us and offered us the use of his cart. This more than tripled the speed at which we could finish the move, and both of us were quite thankful.

Each of these events reminded me that our society isn't quite as filled with the self-absorbed and unhelpful individuals as we sometimes think. In a moment like this, there still are those people who are willing to offer a helping hand like the good neighbor we all wish we had. And it gave me a smile.

Of course, I immediately suggested that we send a thank you card to the shop-owner. (I'd love to send one to the other two a card too, but I have no idea who they were or how to find them again.) It seems that the right thing to do is for us to show that we can be good neighbors and properly show our appreciation for our "neighbor's" kindness.

This experience certainly has made me feel pretty good about our choice to set up shop at the Village Gate. If everyone there is as friendly and community minded as the people I met today, it should be a great environment. And you can never have too many friends.

I don't think I could rightfully say what my first memory of Juanita was. She was someone that has always been a part of my life. When my parents first started taking me to the small American Baptist Church after I was born, she was there. She played the organ almost every Sunday.

I do remember that when I was older, I'd walk to the front of the sanctuary after many Sunday morning services and sit in the front pew just behind the organ. Juanita and I would talk as she continued to play the organ as people mingled and slowly filed out of the church. I think I was mesmerized by the way her fingers glided across the keys and her feet transitioned from pedal to pedal, making beautiful music.

In my twenties, when I bought a small keyboard (I had neither the money nor the space for a full sized piano), I sought Juanita to help me learn how to play. I'd practice on my keyboard and dutifully go to her house for my lessons. Some weeks, I'd bring my keyboard while other weeks, I took my lessons using her upright. We had a great time, joking, talking, and enjoying both the company and the music. I regretted quitting my lessons, but we both agreed that I was having too much trouble making the time for both practice and lessons.

After quitting my lessons and then leaving the church a year later, I didn't see Juanita much. On occasion, our paths would cross as I'd go back to the little church to support family members who still attended. And the fact that her son, Tom, married one of my cousins gave rise to a few family occasions where we would see each other. On those occasions, we would greet one another with warm smiles and fond wishes.

Tomorrow, I'll see Juanita one more time. This time, I will be paying my final respects. You see, Juanita lost her fight with cancer and passed away this past week. And a good number of us will miss her greatly. We'll miss the music, love, and kindness she brought into this world on a regular basis.

But we will also remember her for these things. And we will remember that we are all better people for having known her. And hopefully, those memories will inspire us to emulate those traits we so admired in her. So in our sadness, we will also find warmth and joy.

After all, that's how Juanita would've wanted it.

Saturday, I spent the day at the Rochester Pagan Pride Festival. I had an absolutely wonderful time, and look forward to going again in the future.

Most of the day, I spent hanging out with Wendy and her friends. She was kind enough to let me put out a few fliers for the POC on her table. Quite a few people ended up taking them. With any luck, that means we'll see some new faces real soon.

I didn't attend many workshops, as I was having too much fun talking with friends and what-not. The one that I did manage to attend was the Crystal Singing Bowl meditation, led by the good folks from Singing Bowl Expressions. I've been to one of the monthly meditations that Dawn and Jeff hold at Psychic's Thyme before. While I certainly enjoyed my experience there, it paled in comparison to the demonstration at Pride this year. This workshop involved ten different bowls, each vibrating at their own frequency. While I was not one of the many people who immediately found themselves out of their body, I could certainly feel my own energy channels responding to the experience. I also remember opening my eyes a couple of times and realizing I couldn't focus my vision. It was an incredibly rewarding experience.

I also got a book on Pagan ethics that Patricia Telesco recently wrote under another pen name. As Ms. Telesco was one of the invited speakers at the festival (and I bought the book directly from her), I had the chance to discuss it with her. I told her about my desire to do some research and planning over the next year and put together a local workshop on Pagan ethics. She was quite happy about the idea and encouraged me. I also shared with her about my blog entry concerning the line in the Charge of the Goddess that declares "all acts of love and pleasure" to be rites of the Goddess. She paid me a rather high compliment in regards to how I approached that line and the sentences surrounding it. It was rather encouraging.

I think the person who impressed me most at the festival, however, was someone I never actually got the opportunity to speak to. That's the young man, Adam, who stood about ten to fifteen feet from the entrance to the festival, handing out Christian tracts to anyone who would take them. According to one of the organizers I spoke with later, Adam is a regular "attendee" of Rochester Pagan Pride. And I think he deserves a great deal of credit for the level of respect he showed. Despite Adam's obvious disagreement with the religious views of most of the festival goers and his desire to "save" us, he was able to offer his message in a rather unobtrusive way. He was alwas polite when people refused his tracts (strangely, he never actually offered me one) and never attempted to start an argument. I can totally respect the way he chose to demonstrate his convictions.

In a mostly unrelated topic, I'd just like to say that my friend, Becky, also thinks that the guy who waited on me at the sub shop we bought lunch at was interested in me. I'm not sure I agree with her, but it was kind of nice to entertain the notion. I just wish that if he really were interested in me, he'd have said something.

The last couple of weeks have been more or less uneventful. Well, as long as you disregard the funeral I attended for a cousin. His battle with Parkinson's finally took a turn for the worse. It was a pretty good service and well attended. I particularly appreciated the number of firemen who came to the event. Not that this is entirely surprising. The fire department was a big part of Tim's life. Even after he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, he spent as much time as he could at the fire house, doing whatever jobs he could manage. The head of the department commented at the funeral that he was going to have to find four new volunteers to replace Tim.

My sister and her kids are in the area. She decided to make the drive up from Mississippi for the funeral. Her husband told her she had to stay for at least a week, though. So she's here until Monday. I plan on running down to my parents' house tomorrow and spending the day with her and the kids. It should be fun.

I think the lack of employment is starting to get to me on some level. So next week, I'll have to start getting more serious about the search for a job. I had really hoped one of the opportunities Rick and Kevin had found would pan out, but that doesn't appear to be the case. So it's time for me to get off my duff and take matters into my own hands again. The only down side to that is that I probably won't find something temporary. I really wanted that because I wanted to eventually go back to the company that moved me into this area.

I've started walking again. I haven't decided if I'm doing it to "lose weight' (probably not), exercise (again, not necessarily), or just for the fun of it (I'm leaning towards this answer). It's gotten me out of the house a bit more and that's been well worth it. I'm rediscovering that I really do like doing things like that.

I've also gone on a couple outtings with Becky, which is always nice. A couple Thursdays ago, we went to a local coffee shop. I had a delicious drink consisting of hot apple cider, caramel, and whipped cream. Then we just sat and talked. It was pleasant. And I got to check out a couple cute guys, which is always a plus.

Deck: The Cosmic Tribe Tarot
Card: Three of Cups

Three cups rest towards the bottom of the card, forming an equilateral triangle between themselves. Hovering over these cups, positioned in such a way as to suggest they each just emerged from their own cup, hover three golden fairies. The two on the "outside" strike poses that suggest both playfulness and a bit of showing off. The figure to the left is holding the hand of the fairy in the center -- who is also slightly lower than the outter two. The center figure appears to be reaching for the foot of the third figure, as if to grab hold of her as well. Golden rays of light also rise from within each o the cups, casting the figures and the entire card in a warm glow.

This card suggests both playfulness and togetherness, and the relationship these two qualities have with one another. Individually, each figure is light and free, full of joy and fun. And yet, by joining together, they each augment and improve on one another's joy. The end result is a unified bliss that is more than the sum of each individual's lone experiences.

The relationship between the figures in the image also suggests that is the fairy's ability to free themselves from worry and have fun -- both individually and collectively -- that keeps the bond between them so strong. It is their unity in joy that enables them to maintain their partnership.

This card calls us to look at our own relationships, past present and future and examine why we maintain and cherish them. While maintaining healthy relationships are hard work, healthy relationships also lead to the kinds of benefits, most notably joy, which make that work well worth it. It is important that we keep that in mind in all of our relationships, lest we lose sight of why they are important to us during those moments when such bonds are painfully tested.

I spent most of yesterday with Becky. We had a pretty good time. The day started with me going to the one office she works out of for a massage. I didn't have anything in particular I wanted her to work on, so she basically did a full body massage. In practice, though, she spent most of the time on my legs.

She yelled at me during this part of the massage. I was having trouble relaxing my legs. Particularly, when she would go to move my legs, I'd move them for her. Apparently, that makes certain part of the massage process difficult to do effectively. I don't know why it was such an issue for me. Probably because I have control issues, anyway.

Once the massage was over, I got dressed and we ran some errands together. Becky had to go to the printer to get flyers printed and get new business cards created. I ended up helping her with figuring out some of the details of her business cards -- such as what color paper to use and the font to use for her name. Once we were done there, we swung by my bank so I could deposit a cashier's check. You see, over Thanksgiving break, I decided to close out my savings account at the bank near my parents' home. Because of the amount, I had them give me a cashiers check rather than giving me the balance in cash. So now that's in my checkign account up here. Which is good, because I needed money to pay rent and a couple bills.

Once the errands were done, we decided to go catch a movie. After looking over our options, we finally decided to see "Deja Vu." Personally, I thought it was a pretty good movie, though I found some annoying inconsistencies in the underlying concept. (Warning: Stop here if you don't want any spoilers.) The big problem is they never made up their mind whether they wanted past events to be unchangeable with a single, permanent timeline or whether they would allow changes to the past to spawn alternate timelines. As a result, they ended up alternating between the two scenarios based on what was convenient for the plot. The end result was that they created a alternate timeline in the end, but allowed things that should have been only in the alternate timeline (such as finding the ATF agent's fingerprints in the victim's home) appearing in teh original timeline anyway. So it got messy. But other than that, it was a good movie. And Denzel Washinton was as great as ever when it came to playing his part.

After the movie, Becky and I went to check out Red Robin, which just opened here in the past couple of weeks. It was a pretty nice experience, though it's quite obvious that they're not kidding about their reputation of being a "Burger and Spirits" establishment. They're just about the only things on the menu. But the BBQ burger I had was excellent and the desert was practically orgasmic, though entirely too big. Fortunately, Becky was there to help me eat it all. And of course, there were plenty of cute guys to check out.

All in all, I felt it was a delightful day.

I had the most excellent time last night. My friends Michele and Belinda were invited by the Western New York Paranormal Society to come to their Christmas party. Well, Belinda was unable to go due to a previous engagement, so Michele wrote the hostess back and asked if she could bring me instead. After all, who wants to go to a party alone -- especially one where you don't necessarily know the majority of the attendees? Sarah said that was okay -- in fact, she said all three of us could have come if we wanted to. So I went through my wardrobe, picked out something tastefull, bought and wrapped a small gift for the gift exchange, and headed to Michele's house. From there, we hopped in her car to go to the party.

The party was absolutely spectacular. It was a great mix of friendly people, with personalities ranging from quiet and reserved to "Oh my goodness, I can't believe he just said that!" I recognized a good number of faces from psychic fairs that I've attended with Michele (or helped with, in the case of the one sponsored by the Pagan Outreach Center, though the only person at the party I'd ever been formally intoduced to before was Ralph. But even having been involved in some of the same events (the paranormal group gets a vendor booth at many psychic fairs and similar events) made the situation somewhat more comfortable.

The gift exchange was quite a lively event, especially once a trio of people kept "fighting" over two sets of holiday candy dishes. I ended up coming home with a coin purse shaped like a stocking, which was rather amusing. And food and drink flowed freely the entire night. It was nice to be able to meet and talk with many more like-minded people for the night.

Michele and I ended up leaving at about quarter of midnight, as we were both starting to get a bit tired. I had to find a quiet place about an hour prior to that just to refocus my energies and strengthen my shields. While fun, parties like that tend to be hell on you when you're empathic. Trying not to get bowled over by the mental and emotional state of at least twenty people congregated in a relatively small space can be quite a challenge. But let me tell you, if they were having another party tonight and saw fit to invite me again, I'd be in the car before they finished telling me I was invited.

My previous entry reminded me of something else I wanted to comment on. A couple weeks ago, my friend James and I talked on the phone. Recently, he and his girlfriend of three years got engaged. I congratulated him on this development and we talked about their plans. He spent a considerable amount of time talking about their wedding plans. It appears that there wedding will be nontraditional in a number of ways. (Knowing James, this is not exactly a surprise.)

However, what really got me is when he got talking about the religious undertones of their wedding ceremony. Understand that James, like most of the people with whom I forged friendships before 1995, is an evangelical Christian. James in particular is a United Methodist minister. He and Michelle met at seminary. To be honest, the religious undertones are to be expected. What surprised me is when he commented that he hoped it didn't make me uncomfortable.

First let me say that it's a sign of the kind of friendship James and I had that he'd even bother expressing concern about my comfort level during his wedding. It says a lot about his character. Of course, I assured him that I'm not concerned about it. I've sat through church services before. I think I can be comfortable during a wedding ceremony for someone I've been friends with for over a decade.

The one area in which I did appreciate his concern is when he mentioned that they will be serving Communion during the ceremony. Naturally, I won't be participating in that part of the service, which is fine with me. What I appreciate is James's understanding that being one of the few people (if not the only person) who does not participate in this part of the service can make you feel rather conspicuous. I've been to church services with my parents over the past couple years, only to find out too late that it was a Communion Sunday. There's nothing quite as disconcerting as watching everyone else walk by you and giving you a quizzacle look because you're not going forward to partake.

All in all, though, that whole part of the conversation struck me as odd.

After a bit of deliberation and carrying on about how shy and nervous I usually am, I eventually convinced myself to go to COAP's game night tonight. In retrospect, I'm glad I did. To be honest, I'm not sure when I've had that kind of fun.

I arrived at the coffee house a little before 6:30pm. As I was early, I decided to take the time to pull out the laptop an work on my writing. As I was finishing up the next chapter in A Journey to Queerdom, people started showing up. So I finished editing the pages locally, then turned off the computer, ordered another iced tea and went over to introduce myself.

By the end of the night, there were a total of six of us. Originally, four of us played Gloom, which is probably one of the most morbid games I've ever played. (Is it bad that I enjoyed it?) I almost won, but Woody cleared all the modifiers off one of my family members just before Paul killed off his last family member. As a result, Paul won the game.

The next game we played -- involving all six of us this time -- was Phase 10. Now I think I vaguely recall playing this game once before, but it was a few years ago. Fortunately, it was similar enough to other games that I caught on rather quickly. In fact, for the first few hands, I managed to take the lead. Eventually, that changed and I was probably close to being low man on the totem pole (kinky!) by the time I had to leave. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to stick around and finish the game, as I have to go to work early tomorrow and I'm working a ten hour or better shift. In fact, I shouldn't be taking the time to write this, but I figure I need the chance to wind down, anyway.

Overall, game night was a great experience. It's been a long time since I've sat down with a group of guys (and the first time when I wasn't the only gay guy in the bunch) and just hung out. It was nice to chat, joke around with one another, and just have a leisurely visit. In a lot of ways, it reminded me a lot of the nights my family will get together to play cards. I'm alread looking forward to the next game night at the end of this month.

I think everyone has those people who came into their lives for the briefest of moments, yet touched them in a profound way despite how temporary their presense may have been. Darcy was one such person for me. I spoke with her a total of three times in my entire life, and I doubt I'll ever see her again. And yet, the first night we met, she left an impression I doubt I will ever forget.

That night took place several years ago. It was the night that I agreed to go out to a movie with my older brother -- the first and only time I ever went someplace with him since I became an adult. Terry wanted to go see a movie, but didn't have his license due to legal issues at the time. As such, he needed someone to go with him. Being the generous, if foolish, person I am, I agreed to go with him when he asked me. Both before and after the movie, we decided to hang out at the bar in Ruby Tuesday's, which was located in the same mall as the cinema complex we went to.

When we returned to the bar after the movie, I was seething. The entire outting had been a real eye opener to just what kind of person -- and let me just say that I'm being polite in using that word -- my brother was. At one point, I was sure he was going to get himself thrown out of the theater during the movie. (I had decided I was going to sit there pretending I didn't know him if that happened.) But I allowed him to convince me to return to the bar with him. By that time, Darcy was working behind the bar alone. Things had slowed down enough that Darcy had a lot of idle time, and she and Terry got talking.

Darcy was a sweet girl, a few years older than me at most. She was on the short side with long, blonde hair, but a real spitfire. She was the type of person that could say some incredibly cutting things, yet smile the entire time. I suspect that many of her customers were too drunk to realize she had actually said something biting until after the fact. Her personality struck me as admirable, and entirely conducive to the line of work she was in. And I have to admit that I was enjoying the process of watching her spar with my brother, who was too dumb to recognize all the jabs she got in despite the fact that he was perfectly sober at the time.

The incident that truly earned her my admiration, however, was when the topic turned to that of gay people. I forget what exactly came on the television to spark the conversation, but Terry made some sort of nasty remark on the topic. As I felt my heart sink and my stomach lurch, Darcy turns to Terry and asks him in a friendly, yet pointed manner, "What? Do you have something against gay people?" As soon as she asked the question, she gave me a quick wink. I'm not sure how she had managed to pick me out, but it was clear that like many other people in my life, she had immediately known I was gay. (Fortunately, my brother was clueless, and still is to the best of my knowledge.)

Terry stammered a bit and tried to make excuses. Of course, the first thing he did was played the typical male double standard, pointing out he had no problem with two women being "like that" -- and even found it somewhat alluring. However, he pointed out that he just didn't want any gay guys to hit on him, because that would not be okay.

Darcy's reaction was incredible in that she didn't pause, take a breath, or even blink. As soon as Terry said what he did, she just looked at him, smiled, and said in an even if somewhat patronizing voice, "Oh, hon, don't flatter yourself." And before either Terry or I had time to register what she said, she was off to serve another customer at the other end of the bar. I just about fell off my bar stool. (And for the record, I was sober, too!) Terry could only respond with a hurt and shocked "Hey!"

I was just totally amazed at how easily, gracefully, and politely Darcy had shot him down. Every time I find myself in a similar situation, I find myself thinking of her response that night. I can only hope I handle things half as well.

I went back two weeks later just to thank Darcy. I also left her a very big tip on my second trip, as an expression of my gratitude. We had a nice conversation, and she was shocked to discover that Terry was my brother. She couldn't believe we came from the same family.

I only returned one more time after the night I went in to thank Darcy. I'm not the bar type, and even hanging out with such a great gal as Darcy was sufficient reason for me to keep returning. As a result, she disappeared from my life as quickly as she entered it. But that brief encounter is something I still like telling people about several years later. I think I always will.

Today was a great day. I managed to get out of the house around quarter of noon and headed up to the POC to hang out with Belinda during the healing clinic. Nobody showed up today, so we just ended up sitting around and talking. I took my laptop so that Belinda could read the local copy of Journey. She absolutely loved it, though she was frustrated that I hadn't written more. She got to the last page in the series and just sat there going, "That's it?" She also found a couple of typos I made, which I fixed and just uploaded.

When we finally decided to leave the POC, we decided to go to a late lunch at Red Lobster. She had the Shrimp Linguini Alfredo. Not being a seafood fan (but I love the garlic biscuits they serve at Red Lobster), I decided to go with the Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo. We both loved our meals, and there were a lot of cute waiters to check out. (We each commented on which ones we liked.)

After lunch, I brought my leftovers back to the house, then decided to go someplace for a walk. I was only a little after five and the day was absolutely beautiful. I decided to drive over to Shoen Place and park so that I could walk the trail along the canal. It was the first time I've walked the trail, and it was absolutely gorgeous. It's surprising how peaceful the area can be. You don't realize it driving along Route 96 in the same area.

After my walk, I ran to Target. I decided that with the weather warming up, I needed some more polo shirts. I only have three, and I can't wear tee shirts on the customer site like I do at my own office. While I was there, I also picked up a new belt. I've either lost weight or it's shifted, because my old belt wasn't doing a good job at holding up my pants anymore.

I also decided to get another package of underwear, as I'm running out of those, too. I had trouble picking out a package. I usually prefer to get a package that just has black and grey underwear in it, but all the packages today had other colors. I finally decided on the package that also had a blue pair and a red pair. I have to admit that I picked that package because something about the idea of wearing red undies amused me.

Overall, it was a pleasant and beautiful day. I'm thinking about topping it off with a movie this evening.

Tonight, I went to the COAP game night again. I had a great time, once again. Tonight was not only game night, but it was their weekly planning meeting. That's when they start coming up with events for the next month or so and adding them to the calendar. I don't think they ever got around to doing that tonight, because Woody was running late. So we got right into the game playing. First, we played Pit, which is basically a sort of trading game. it was insane, but fun. After we played several hands, we switched over to Guillotine. I'm not sure what it is about this group and morbid games, but it was fun.

Tonight, we had eight people show up. Woody, Paul, and Jeff all returned from last week. In addition, I got to meet John, Todd, and Jenny. Tonight, Alana came for the very first time, taking my place as the newbie. (Technically, I think we're going to share that role for the time being, though.)

After the gaming ended and people started leaving, a small group of us stuck around for a while to just chat. It was nice, because we all got to know each other a bit more. For example, I found out that Woody is also a computer programmer. And Alana told us about her experiences moving o the area and looking for a job. It was great to be able to learn a bit about the people I've bee gaming with.

What truly amazed me, however, was that I was able to spend two and a half hours with that many people and not feel any ill effects as a result. Apparently, I've learned to shield extremely well. It's nice to be able to keep everyone else's emotions at bay.

I figured since I wasn't heading home for the holiday until today, I'd head out a little later in the day so that I could go visit friends at Psychic's Thyme. Michele was working today, and Belinda came up with her for the day, as they planned on spending the evening in the city after the store closed. Char was there, too, which made for a pleasant visit.

Apparently, Michele and Belinda had decided to go to Macaroni Grill. Char decided to join them, and they also invited their friend, Jim. I was also invited, but I figured my mother would kill me if I didn't come home. So I yelled at my friends for picking a day to do something like that when I couldn't join them. Of course, they offered to call my parents that I wouldn't make it home because they'd tied me up, but I didn't figure Mom would buy that. So I came home and missed out on all the fun. Hopefully, it won't be more than a month (and hopefully less) before we have another outing like that.

This coming Wednesday is another COAP game night. I'm already looking forward to it. I've enjoyed the last two game nights I've been to. I especially enjoyed the one two weeks ago because after the games were put away, a few of us stuck around and chatted for a bit. In many ways, that was even more enjoyable than the game playing. Of course, playing the games together helped create an atmosphere where conversation could flow more freely. I'm finding that it's a lot easier to talk once you've spent an hour stealing cards out of each other's hands or screwing each other out of points and talking about getting even the entire time. When you stop and think about it, though, that's rather messed up. The games get rather cutthroat, and yet we're able to set it all aside in the end and act like great friends. But then, I suppose my friends at college had a similar sort of dynamic going in our relationships.

I had a relatively good Easter. I made it home at around 5 yesterday evening. Mom made meatloaf for supper. That's a meal I haven't had in some time, and I certainly appreciated it last night. After supper, I took a four hour nap. Of course, that meant that when I got back up, I spent most of the night either watching a movie or chatting with people online. I didn't get to bed until almost 7am. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in until 10am that morning.

I spent part of today playing around with RocWiki. I ended up creating a page on there for the POC, as well as doing some other minor editing. And I created my user profile page, of course. I'm starting to become enamored with the whole Wiki concept, to be honest with you.

Mom served the traditional Easter dinner with ham, potatoes, gravy, and stuffing at a little after two in the afternoon. Because I wanted to get home to take care of Precious (I left her here in Rochester as I didn't want to stress her out with the traveling for an overnight trip) and do some other odds and ends, I left shortly after lunc. I did wait around long enough to get a cooler and a tupperware dish filled with a few hunks of ham, however.

Let me just say as an aside that I absolutely despise Easter. Not the holiday itself, but the fact that just about everything is closed all day because of the holiday. When I got home, I was in the mood to get out in the public for a while. So I decided to try running to a couple of the coffeehouses in the area to get a nice drink and do some writing. But alas, they were both closed. After the second one, I decided to just give up.

It's a shame that everything was closed. One of the reasons that I went out was that I was really craving social interaction. Actually, going home for even twenty four hours drove home just how much I really am craving that right now. (Of course, the lengthy, deeply personal and somewhat discomforting IM conversation I had with Brian didn't help that, either.) In some ways, I felt trapped there at my parents' house.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents very much and I like spending time with them. But there's a reason I left that area. It's not a good place for a liberally-minded gay guy to try building friendship and build a social network. And going back there, even for an overnight visit, tends to remind me of that. Especially right now since I'm working on trying to break that lack of human interaction and learning to release the social butterfly that really does appear to be hiding somewhere inside of me.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the Wednesday night game night all the more. And I plan on getting out to do some writing on Tuesday, too.

Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he's not. And that bugs me. I don't want to be desperate for a relationship. I don't want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I'm okay with being single and stay there.

But it's difficult. Right now, I'm going through this whole thing where I'm becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It's difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I'm starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I've said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I've enjoyed it, it's not entirely comfortable for me. It's different. And there's that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that'd be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I'll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who's perfect for me, I'd ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can't deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

Saying goodbye to a friendship is never easy. However, I think it's hardest when neither of you really want to say goodbye, yet know you have to. That's the situation I've found myself in this week, and it's quite possibly the most painful experience I've ever had. And let me just say that coming from someone who was on the brink of suicide twice in his life and even allowed other people to convince him that he was evil incarnate for about a week, that's saying quite a lot.

It would be so much easier if either of us had done something malicious to the other. It would be easier if there had just been a fight, an argument over some sense of having been wronged. But there wasn't any such thing. Instead, life has simply gotten in the way, and we can't be there for each other right now. What's worse, there's no real guarantee of when that will change -- or even that it ever will. That's left one of us feeling hurt and the other feeling rather guilty. A bad situation all around.

So for now, we've said our goodbyes. They may be temporary, or they may be permanent. For now, I'm inclined to treat them as though they are permanent, simply because it'll make the healing process easier, I think. There won't be that temptation to go into denial about the whole thing and wait for something that may not come. If it comes -- and I hope it does -- it will be great. But in the meantime, there's work to be done. So I'll shed my tears and grieve so that I can get on with it as well as I can.

I checked the mail when I got home tonight. My tickets to the Vickie Shaw next Friday just arrived. Now I just have to find someone to go with.

Michele suggested I ask someone at COAP if they'd like to go. That's actually kind of tempting, but I'm a bit concerned that someone I'd ask would get the wrong impression. After all, I just wanta friend to hang out with. I'm not looking to necessarily have this be a dating thing. At least not yet.

Last night, as planned, I headed over to The Golden Port to meet other COAP members for a late dinner. I arrived a bit late, but found the large group. I ended up sitting down on one end. Marlena sat across from me. I didn't catch the name of the gentleman who sat to my right. When he came, a man by the name of Sam sat to my left.

I haven't entirely made up my mind about how I feel about the experience, to be honest with you. This is because it was a chaotic dinner and there were both high points and low points. I've pretty much decided that I need to attend the same dinner next month and possibly the one after that before I make up my mind about whether I'm going to continue going to them.

In fairness to the group, I was tired by the time I got there. I had worked until 7pm that evening, and my shift had been mentally exhausting. Combine that with the general physical inactivity of a desk job, and you have a state of being that didn't quite put me at my peak for socializing, anyway. Add to that the fact that my natural shyness and tendency towards introversion was trying to assert itself at the same time, and I have to admit that I was not in my element to begin with.

Now, add to this the fact that most of the other dinner-goers had just come from the business forum. Both Zara and Jennie talked to me about the business forum, but I really don't understand much about it other than (1) it serves as a monthly fundraiser for Pride and (2) it involves the consumption of alcohol. So I was tired, feeling introverted, and surrounded by a group of people who were all intoxicated to some degree or another. This is not a good combination when you're empathically gifted. So I spent a couple moments at various points in the dinner just trying to get my already work-addled mind to put my shielding exercises to effective use.

Then there was the minor issue of the fact that I was a newcomer entering into a group situation where everyone else knew each other and were great friends for the most part. I think it's difficult for all but the most socially agressive people to find a way to break in on that sort of situation. So I was finding it difficult to get involved in the conversations that I was able to hear and follow through all the chaos.

Sam and I did talk a bit, however. We didn't say anything earth shattering, mind you. But I will admit that he was a bit more outgoing than the others seated immediately around me, which helped me break the ice a bit better. He was quite funny, and I was able to warm up a bit more after his arrival, for which I'm grateful.

Also, towards the end of the meal, Zara got up from her seat and wandered around so that she could say hello to those who were too far from her while she was eating. She came down and spoke to Sam and I for a while, which was a nice experience. Even that brief conversation improved my own experience a great deal. She told me about the business forum, and encouraged me to attend that as well next month. I haven't made a final decision, though I am certainly considering it. I asked her if they also serve non-alcoholic beverages (the only thing more trying than being an empath around intoxicated people is being an intoxicated empath around intoxicated people -- and possibly even sober people), which I don't think she ever actually answered, come to think of it. Of course, she made sure that Sam and I had been introduced and gotten along. Sam made up this rather amusing melodramatic story about how it had been rough at first and we even had a spat, but we were able to patch things up. It was hillarious, and Estella would've loved it.

So overall, I suppose I did have a good time. At least I had a good enough time that I'm willing to give it another try come May. However, given this experience, I think I'll try to plan ahead a bit. For example, I will do my best to make sure that I don't work longer hours earlier in the day. If at all possible, I'll even try to put in an extra hour or so earlier in the week so I can knock off a bit early. That way, I can get in some meditation and other work to better prepare myself for the chaos. That should help put me in a state where I'm more able to focus on trying to be sociable. And hopefully, as I attend a few more times, I'll start getting to know people better and find it easier to find a place in the various conversations going on.

After deciding to take a night to myself and watching movies on Friday night, I decided to return to the business of exploring my more social nature yesterday. As Michele was working at Psychic's Thyme, I decided to go there for part of the day and hang out with her. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Belinda was also there. As it turns out Belinda had invited her daughter, Min, to stop in and visit too. I have to admit that I had a bit of fun giving Min a hard time, and received at least as well as I gave.

Min and Belinda decided to go to lunch and invited me to go along. I graciously accepted, and we ended up going to the Chinese Buffet in Jefferson Plaza in Henrietta. We had a pleasant lunch and a great conversation. On the way back to the shop, Min took us to her apartment so that Belinda could see it. Min was kind enough to not make me wait in the car. Given the guy we ran into on the way into the apartment building, I was grateful for that.

We parked on the street behind this kid (well, he was probably in his early twenties) who was getting stuff out of his SUV. We headed for the apartment building, only to discover that the young man had the same destination in mind. As I reached the door first, I held it open for the ladies and even waiting the few extra seconds to hold it for the other guy who was just a few steps behind us. Of course, this meant that he passed me, thereby giving me an excellent opportunity to check him out. Naturally, I made excellent use of such an opportunity. Belinda caught me and waited long enough to accuse me of "shameful behavior" once the young man was out of earshot. I simply pointed out to her that I'd actually have to have shame first, and that my lack of shame made it shameless behavior.

Of course, Belinda was pretty sneaky herself. As the three of us approached the small elevator in the building, the same man was busy loading his stuff into the small car. Min waved me to step into the elevator myself and then told Belinda to get in. Instead, she chose to wait for the elevator to come back. She later told me I "owed her" for letting me have some time with the guy alone. Considering we hardly even spoke, I don't feel I owe her anything.

After checking out the apartment and chatting for a bit, we headed back to the shop. Min said her goobyes, as she had work that afternoon. Belinda and I spent the rest of the day hanging out and chatting until the shop closed. As a result, I get to know Tobie and her kids better, which was a pleasure.

I realized just how much I like hanging out there. Psychic's Thyme is one of those places where I feel socially comfortable. It's a place where I have a sense of how I fit in, and I can usually get a conversation going with someone. But it's also a place where I feel confident saying hello to the random people who come and go through the day. I realized it's perfectly natural for me to greet customers as they enter and say goodbye as they leave. This is especially beneficial in those situations where those actually working there are busy with other matters (like ringing a purchase up) and therefore aren't able to do so themselves. And of course, if a customer is in the mood to make a bit of conversation while shopping, I've found I can do that as well.

I hope that as I continue to come to Equal Grounds and attend various COAP events, I find myself develop a similar sense of safety and self-confidence there. In reality, that's exactly what I need, so that I can feel safe enough opening up and even taking some initiative in building friendships.

This evening, I picked up Becky at her apartment and headed over to the Clarion Riverside Hotel to catch Vickie Shaw doing her comedy act. Before I saw the announcement a month ago that ImageOut was sponsoring her for a one night act in the area, I had never heard of her before. All that I can say is that I now know what I've been missing.

Vickie Shaw does an incredible standup routine that mostly focuses on her life, her relationship with Sargent Patch, her relationship with her kids and other family members, and her general outlook on life. She then salts this routine by having a bit of fun with the stereotypes about gay men and lesbians. Her delivery is accentuated by her personality, which is the essence of southern refinement with a coarser edge. (Or maybe it's the other way around, it's hard to say.)

Some of my favorite lines from tonight's act are as follows:

"I told you I love you once. If I change my mind, I'll let you know!"

"We gay people think you straight people out there are just fine. We just don't want you teaching our kids."

"And the baby dykes scream, 'No! I dont want to wear it!'" (Talking about little girls and Easter dresses.)

The entire show was an hour long stream of stories and jokes which kept us all laughing. After her act was over, she held a question and answer session, inviting the audience to ask her anything. At this point, Ms. Shaw demonstrated that she was not only a comic genius, but an intelligent and deeply thoughtful woman. This particularly became clear when she spoke about the stand-up comic business and the difficulty that lesbians and gay men -- the latter more especially -- face in trying to make it in the business.

After everything was over, I took Becky around and introduced her to some familiar faces. I also made a point of taking a moment to speak with Ms. Shaw and thank her for such an enjoyable experience. I also bought a copy of her DVD, "Vickie Shaw Live." I plan on tormenting Belinda with it tomorrow evening.

It was a spectacular night, and I'm glad I went. Becky had a great time too, an being able to share the experience with a friend certainly added to the overall experience. And if I ever get a chance to catch Ms. Shaw's act again, you better believe I'll jump all over it.

Yesterday, I got up around 9:30am, shaved, and hopped into the shower. Once I took care of a few other odds and ends, I hopped into my car and made the drive down to Elmira to see my friend, Mike. I hadn't seen him in over a year, as I've been rather busy up here in the Rochester area most weekends. It was great to catch up with him, and he certainly needed a friendly face, seeing as his marriage just recently ended. I was both surprised and saddened to hear that. I was the best man at his wedding back in 2005, and they seemed like a great couple. But things can change over time.

Surprisingly, he and I seem to be going through a lot of the same inner processes right now. It turns out that he too is going through this realization that he needs to treat himself more and get out more. He's actually started going out to a movie every weekend, which is a radical change for him. I think it'll be good for him however. We got talking about both our growing senses that we needed to get out more, which made it nice that we could relate. We then watched a few episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus before I had to get back on the road.

After that, I ran to Dansville to see my friend, Belinda. She was housesitting for her parents this weekend, and she invited me to come see her. Michele had also decided to come spend the afternoon and evening there, so we had a good time. When I arrived, they were watching a movie on Lifetime. It was a pretty interesting movie, and they filled me in on enough details that I could enjoy the ending. After that, we decided to run to the truckstop for dinner and had a great time talking there. The food was pretty good, as usual. We eventually paid and went to Belinda's parents' home. When we got there, I popped in the DVD I bought at the Vickie Shaw show last night. Belinda and Michele both absolutey loved it, and the three of us laughed ourselves silly. I found it particularly interesting because the DVD was from her tour back in 2000. It was interesting to see how her act had changed since then. For example, Sargent Pach was just "her girlfriend" back in 2000 and didn't play quite as big a part in her act back then. Though there were some elements that were quite familiar, such as the whole "sexual peak" segment. Overall, the DVD was a riot, but I think I liked last night's act better. It just seemed more developed and refined. And I suppose that seven years later, that only makes sense.

Belinda and Michele have already told me that they'd love to go if Ms. Shaw is ever in the area next time. So I promised them that if I got any announcements about future shows, I'll be sure to get four tickets that time. Who knows? Maybe by then I'll have reason to get a fifth ticket. Hope springs eternal, after all.

A while back, Seething Mom was kind enough to post a link to my coming out story on her website. Apparently, this has led at least one other blogger to mistakenly assume that I'm Seething Mom's son.

I discovered this fact this evening when I checked my site statistics and saw a large influx of visitors from Rising Up Whole. Naturally curious as to who's linking to me, I paid a visit. And while I'm certainly grateful for the added attention the post over there has brought to my story, I'm sorry that there's been a bit of a confusion over the relationship between myself and Seething Mom.

So to clarify to anyone who might be confused, Seething Mom and I are just friends. I found her diary originally through a mutual friends. Since then, I've had the pleasure of communicating with her via blog posts and comments and even a couple of emails. However, I am not her son. I only wish I was. ;)

Tonight, since I didn't manage to hook up with anyone to start making plans for weekly meditation, I decided to run over to Border's and catch the second hour of the Witches Meetup that happens every fourth Tuesday there. I had a chance to see a lot of faces I haven't seen in quite a few months and even met someone new. Overall, I had a good time.

I do think I scared Kevin when I got leaving. As I said goodbye to her, Wendy told me to be good. I invoked my usual line, asking, "Can't I just be good at it instead." Kevin made the mistake of asking me what I was going to be good at. This naturally had to be responded to with wagging eyebrows and a rather devious "Wouldn't you like to know?" His expression was priceless. I guess he'll have to learn to think about whether he's ready for an answer before he asks any open ended questions like that again.

At one point, I had Wendy do Reiki on my neck and back. I've been feeling tense again lately. Several times, she commented on how much heat and pain she was getting while she worked on me, and even asked what I'd been doing. I told her I've just been really stressed. Fortunately, she understood.

I forgot how much fun the Tuesday night Meetup can be. Due to meditation, it's rare that I get to go, which is unfortunate. There are a lot of people who go there but don't necessarily get out to other events. I enjoy talking to them. I may have to see about making sure I'm not doing meditation on that Tuesday night from now on so that I can skip and go to the meetup instead. After all, it's one more opportunity for socializing, right?

Yesterday evening was rather pleasant. After getting out of work, I ended up running over to Psychic's Thyme. Michele was on duty and I had hoped to spend a bit of time chatting with her. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, as she was busy actually doing readings. We were both disappointed, but glad she was getting the work, as it meant a little extra money for her.

Because both she and Lisa were pretty busy with readings, I ended up minding the store with George. This was good, as George actually had to leave at about twenty minutes before closing due to another commitment. So I spent my time keeping an eye on things and even spent a bit of time talking to one of the of the customers who was interested in getting a reading. I answered her questions about what readers worked the next few days and what services each one offered. She seemed like a pretty nice girl, and I get the impression she'll be in on Saturday.

Michele had something of a family situation brewing, so she had to leave a few minutes early. So I stuck around a bit extra and helped make sure Lisa was okay before taking off myself. Once out of there, I decided to run to Applebee's for dinner. While there, I read several pages in Witch in the Bedroom, a book I picked up about a month ago. So far, I've really enjoyed it. I plan on doing one of the exercises out of it this weekend. It's the exercise about writing a vision letter, and I have all kinds of ideas for one running through my head. It should be an interesting experience, I think.

After I got done with dinner and reading, I decided to run to the mall for a short walk. I had originally planned on going back to Genesee Valley Park for a walk, but the threat of rain intimidated me. So I spent about a half hour wandering the halls and through various stores. It was enjoyable, and I even got treated to some pretty good eye candy. It wasn't quite as pleasant as being out along the canal or watching shirtless college students playing softball, but I enjoyed myself well enough.