The Musings of a Confused Man

Saturday, I decided to go to the Seneca Park Zoo after doing a bit of shopping for things needed at the POC. It's something I've been talking about doing "when it got warmer," so I decided it was time to quit talking and just do it. I have to admit that i would've preferred to have gone whe there was someone to go with. But reason convinced me that waiting for an undetermined period of time -- after all, I'm not sure when anyone would be available to go -- was not the route to go. So I grabbed my wallet and ran off. And overall, I had a pretty good time.

I think one of my favorite parts was the polar bear exhibit. This is mainly because one of the polar bears decided to sun himself right out in the middle of the exhibit, giving everyone the perfect view of him. What a beautiful creature! I had to chuckle at the little boy beside me who asked his parents if the polar bear could come over by the fence we were standing at. The little tyke wasn't old enough to understand that if the polar bear could do that, he'd probably be snack (or the appetizer for me, the main course). Of course, as tempted a I was, I didn't try to explain this to the youngster. I figured I didn't need his parents getting mad at me for traumatizing their child.

I also enjoyed watching the sea lions. I don't think I've ever seen sea lions swimming so close. They have the exhibit set up so that you can go into this viewing area that is under the level of the water, wich is quite nice. What really surprised me is when the sea lion came swimming right towards me. If the glass wall hadn't been there, I swear he would've crashed right into me. Of course, that would've also meant I would've been underwater and having trouble not breathing, but that's besides the point. But I think the thing that really amazed me about this was that this entire time, the darn sea lion was upside down! He was swimming on his back. I never knew they did that. It was fascinating to watch.

Of course, like a dummy, I forgot to grab my camera. So I don't have any incredible pictures. This is a shame, since the darn thing was actually in my car the whole time. I'll have to go back again some day soon and remember my camera this time.

Over the weekend, I've decided that it's time to slowly institute some changes in my life. I'd love to say that I'm going to do them all, and that's my eventual desire, but I don't want to set up a goal I find I'm unable (or unwilling) to keep, only berate myself for the failure. So I think I'm going to make this a long term list of things I plan to accomplish over the next several months. Some of them may happen overnight, others may take a while. And some may be "hit or miss" in that I do them for a while, but then slack off. In that case, I'm giving myself permission ahead of time to accept it when it happens and just eventually start back up again.

First, I've decided I need to put some effort into decorating my house. I've already started by putting out my singing bowl and getting a bear figurine for the end table in the living room. And I have a plaque to hang by the door that says "Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much." I'll also have to figure out where I want to hang my picture of Icarus, and work on getting other items.

You see, I'm terrible at house-keeping. The living room is a complete mess, the kitchen table is all cluttered up (though it's a lot better now that I spent twenty minutes going through a lot of the clutter, tossing junk, and finding homes for some of the important stuff), and the carpet is in desparate need of vacuuming. I think the reason for this is that I don't think of this house as a home yet, so I don't treat it like my home. (I'd never be this messy in someone else's home, so why would I treat my own home like this?) So I think I need to invest a little time and effort into making the place look and feel like a home, my home. Hopefully, once I put the effort into it, I'll take more pride in it, and keep it a bit tidier.

The next thing I want to do is to spend more time out of the house on a regular basis. I've slowly been withdrawing into solitude, and that's not good. Last month, I realized that working on the POC was consuming too much of my time, so I backed off so I could have a life. Well, now it's time to have more of a life. I've spent all of last week and some of today out and about and it's done wonders for my state of mind, I think.

This is going to be hard for me to keep up with, though. It's going to be a mental juggling act for a while. After all, I'll still be going out on my own. And that means that there'll come a point were I'll start to wonder why I'm bothering. After all, what difference does it make whether I go out or stay in if I'm still on my own either way? But the going out is good. And it leaves open at least the possibility of interraction.

As an aside, I have noticed I've been a bit more social when in public recently. For example, while I was at Eastview Mall yesterday, I found myself walking behind this family. The little girl, about four or five I think, was pestering her mother, saying she wanted something. The mother turned to the little girl and said blatantly, "And I want a million dollars. Are you going to give it to me?" The little girl ran ahead (to bug her father I think) and I walked up next to the woman, smiled, and said, "I really loved your response," and we both laughed at that. I don't think I've ever done anything like that. Between that and making more eye contact (like turning around and saying "thank you" or "you too" to a store clerk when they wish me a good day as I'm leaving rather than just mumbling it as I continue out the door), I think I'm starting to make progress in being more socially engaging. Hopefully, this is a good sign that continues to develop into a lasting change.

I'm also working on getting more physical activity in throughout the week. My original goal (as of two weeks ago) was to go to the fitness center they just added to my apartment complex three times a week. I didn't meet that goal last week and probably won't this week. But considering the amount of time I was on the my feet at the zoo, in the malls, walking around downtown State College, walking along the Susquehanna River, and checking out Highland Park, I just don't feel it's been necessary. I've had plenty of physical activity.

One thing that's conspicuously absent from my list of goals is losing weight. Sure, that's something I want to do at some point. But I feel it needs to wait. I need to learn to like myself how I am now, I think. I need to allow myself to feel and be attractive at my current size. Once I do that, I think I'll have an easier time at setting, meeting, and maintaining weight loss goals. I think I'm currently sabotaging any such attempts with the belief that I'm not and can't be attractive. And by association, I think that means I subconsciously can't be thinner, because that would mean I'd also be good looking, which just can't happen. So I need to work on the mental block where I am now before I can effectively seek to change that part of myself. (Gee, I hope that makes sense to someone else.)

The next six months should be interesting.

Saturday, I spent the day at the Rochester Pagan Pride Festival. I had an absolutely wonderful time, and look forward to going again in the future.

Most of the day, I spent hanging out with Wendy and her friends. She was kind enough to let me put out a few fliers for the POC on her table. Quite a few people ended up taking them. With any luck, that means we'll see some new faces real soon.

I didn't attend many workshops, as I was having too much fun talking with friends and what-not. The one that I did manage to attend was the Crystal Singing Bowl meditation, led by the good folks from Singing Bowl Expressions. I've been to one of the monthly meditations that Dawn and Jeff hold at Psychic's Thyme before. While I certainly enjoyed my experience there, it paled in comparison to the demonstration at Pride this year. This workshop involved ten different bowls, each vibrating at their own frequency. While I was not one of the many people who immediately found themselves out of their body, I could certainly feel my own energy channels responding to the experience. I also remember opening my eyes a couple of times and realizing I couldn't focus my vision. It was an incredibly rewarding experience.

I also got a book on Pagan ethics that Patricia Telesco recently wrote under another pen name. As Ms. Telesco was one of the invited speakers at the festival (and I bought the book directly from her), I had the chance to discuss it with her. I told her about my desire to do some research and planning over the next year and put together a local workshop on Pagan ethics. She was quite happy about the idea and encouraged me. I also shared with her about my blog entry concerning the line in the Charge of the Goddess that declares "all acts of love and pleasure" to be rites of the Goddess. She paid me a rather high compliment in regards to how I approached that line and the sentences surrounding it. It was rather encouraging.

I think the person who impressed me most at the festival, however, was someone I never actually got the opportunity to speak to. That's the young man, Adam, who stood about ten to fifteen feet from the entrance to the festival, handing out Christian tracts to anyone who would take them. According to one of the organizers I spoke with later, Adam is a regular "attendee" of Rochester Pagan Pride. And I think he deserves a great deal of credit for the level of respect he showed. Despite Adam's obvious disagreement with the religious views of most of the festival goers and his desire to "save" us, he was able to offer his message in a rather unobtrusive way. He was alwas polite when people refused his tracts (strangely, he never actually offered me one) and never attempted to start an argument. I can totally respect the way he chose to demonstrate his convictions.

In a mostly unrelated topic, I'd just like to say that my friend, Becky, also thinks that the guy who waited on me at the sub shop we bought lunch at was interested in me. I'm not sure I agree with her, but it was kind of nice to entertain the notion. I just wish that if he really were interested in me, he'd have said something.

The last couple of weeks have been more or less uneventful. Well, as long as you disregard the funeral I attended for a cousin. His battle with Parkinson's finally took a turn for the worse. It was a pretty good service and well attended. I particularly appreciated the number of firemen who came to the event. Not that this is entirely surprising. The fire department was a big part of Tim's life. Even after he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, he spent as much time as he could at the fire house, doing whatever jobs he could manage. The head of the department commented at the funeral that he was going to have to find four new volunteers to replace Tim.

My sister and her kids are in the area. She decided to make the drive up from Mississippi for the funeral. Her husband told her she had to stay for at least a week, though. So she's here until Monday. I plan on running down to my parents' house tomorrow and spending the day with her and the kids. It should be fun.

I think the lack of employment is starting to get to me on some level. So next week, I'll have to start getting more serious about the search for a job. I had really hoped one of the opportunities Rick and Kevin had found would pan out, but that doesn't appear to be the case. So it's time for me to get off my duff and take matters into my own hands again. The only down side to that is that I probably won't find something temporary. I really wanted that because I wanted to eventually go back to the company that moved me into this area.

I've started walking again. I haven't decided if I'm doing it to "lose weight' (probably not), exercise (again, not necessarily), or just for the fun of it (I'm leaning towards this answer). It's gotten me out of the house a bit more and that's been well worth it. I'm rediscovering that I really do like doing things like that.

I've also gone on a couple outtings with Becky, which is always nice. A couple Thursdays ago, we went to a local coffee shop. I had a delicious drink consisting of hot apple cider, caramel, and whipped cream. Then we just sat and talked. It was pleasant. And I got to check out a couple cute guys, which is always a plus.

I spent most of yesterday with Becky. We had a pretty good time. The day started with me going to the one office she works out of for a massage. I didn't have anything in particular I wanted her to work on, so she basically did a full body massage. In practice, though, she spent most of the time on my legs.

She yelled at me during this part of the massage. I was having trouble relaxing my legs. Particularly, when she would go to move my legs, I'd move them for her. Apparently, that makes certain part of the massage process difficult to do effectively. I don't know why it was such an issue for me. Probably because I have control issues, anyway.

Once the massage was over, I got dressed and we ran some errands together. Becky had to go to the printer to get flyers printed and get new business cards created. I ended up helping her with figuring out some of the details of her business cards -- such as what color paper to use and the font to use for her name. Once we were done there, we swung by my bank so I could deposit a cashier's check. You see, over Thanksgiving break, I decided to close out my savings account at the bank near my parents' home. Because of the amount, I had them give me a cashiers check rather than giving me the balance in cash. So now that's in my checkign account up here. Which is good, because I needed money to pay rent and a couple bills.

Once the errands were done, we decided to go catch a movie. After looking over our options, we finally decided to see "Deja Vu." Personally, I thought it was a pretty good movie, though I found some annoying inconsistencies in the underlying concept. (Warning: Stop here if you don't want any spoilers.) The big problem is they never made up their mind whether they wanted past events to be unchangeable with a single, permanent timeline or whether they would allow changes to the past to spawn alternate timelines. As a result, they ended up alternating between the two scenarios based on what was convenient for the plot. The end result was that they created a alternate timeline in the end, but allowed things that should have been only in the alternate timeline (such as finding the ATF agent's fingerprints in the victim's home) appearing in teh original timeline anyway. So it got messy. But other than that, it was a good movie. And Denzel Washinton was as great as ever when it came to playing his part.

After the movie, Becky and I went to check out Red Robin, which just opened here in the past couple of weeks. It was a pretty nice experience, though it's quite obvious that they're not kidding about their reputation of being a "Burger and Spirits" establishment. They're just about the only things on the menu. But the BBQ burger I had was excellent and the desert was practically orgasmic, though entirely too big. Fortunately, Becky was there to help me eat it all. And of course, there were plenty of cute guys to check out.

All in all, I felt it was a delightful day.

I had the most excellent time last night. My friends Michele and Belinda were invited by the Western New York Paranormal Society to come to their Christmas party. Well, Belinda was unable to go due to a previous engagement, so Michele wrote the hostess back and asked if she could bring me instead. After all, who wants to go to a party alone -- especially one where you don't necessarily know the majority of the attendees? Sarah said that was okay -- in fact, she said all three of us could have come if we wanted to. So I went through my wardrobe, picked out something tastefull, bought and wrapped a small gift for the gift exchange, and headed to Michele's house. From there, we hopped in her car to go to the party.

The party was absolutely spectacular. It was a great mix of friendly people, with personalities ranging from quiet and reserved to "Oh my goodness, I can't believe he just said that!" I recognized a good number of faces from psychic fairs that I've attended with Michele (or helped with, in the case of the one sponsored by the Pagan Outreach Center, though the only person at the party I'd ever been formally intoduced to before was Ralph. But even having been involved in some of the same events (the paranormal group gets a vendor booth at many psychic fairs and similar events) made the situation somewhat more comfortable.

The gift exchange was quite a lively event, especially once a trio of people kept "fighting" over two sets of holiday candy dishes. I ended up coming home with a coin purse shaped like a stocking, which was rather amusing. And food and drink flowed freely the entire night. It was nice to be able to meet and talk with many more like-minded people for the night.

Michele and I ended up leaving at about quarter of midnight, as we were both starting to get a bit tired. I had to find a quiet place about an hour prior to that just to refocus my energies and strengthen my shields. While fun, parties like that tend to be hell on you when you're empathic. Trying not to get bowled over by the mental and emotional state of at least twenty people congregated in a relatively small space can be quite a challenge. But let me tell you, if they were having another party tonight and saw fit to invite me again, I'd be in the car before they finished telling me I was invited.

I've decided that I'm going to run to Best Buy after work tomorrow. The plan? To spend part of my tax refund and buy a laptop computer. It's occurred to me that I'd really like to have one. I often like to go to places like Equal Grounds and Spot Coffee to hang out and relax. And it seems to me that it would be nice to be able to work on my writing projects, including my online projects, while relaxing at places like them.

Granted, I already often take my journals there and write by hand. But having a laptop would allow me to type things up directly. And in cases where I'm at someplace that offers a wireless Internet connection, I can even directly upload my content while I'm there.

This is a great solution to one of the problems I'm currently facing. I want to get out more often, an create opportunities for socializing. And yet, I have a number of writing projects I want to keep up with. Getting a laptop will hopefully enable me to combine the two in a creative way. And perhaps my writing in public will occasionally help generate conversation.

As I type this up, I'm sitting at a small table in Equal Grounds. My chai smoothie is almost gone. I've completed installing the software I want for writing and web development, and I'm just enjoying the atmosphere.

I'm also looking at the battery life meter. Man it's going down fast. I've only been here forty five minutes and I'm already down to 75% power. I may have to look for a table near an electrical outlet in the future.

Already, I'm finding the change of pace, being online and doing my stuff in public, a pleasant one. In many ways, it reminds me of the comfort I found when I first starting writing at a table in Friendly's. Now if I can just make the kind of friendships I eventually formed with the waitresses at that restaurant.

Equal Grounds has a large LCD screen at the one end of this back room. Currently, it has the image of a fire (like in a fireplace) palying across it. It gives the place a very cozy feeling. I'm facing in that direction, so as I'm typing, I can look up for a moment or two and get lost in the dance of the flames on the screen. It's rather mesmerizing.

I don't think I'll get any real writing done here tonight. My mind just isn't right to do it. And besides, I have to go to work early tomorrow. So in another twenty minutes or so, I will likely need to call it a night. But at least I can now do this, and I'm looking forward to repeating the experience.

Of course, I think I'd also like to do it during the day when there's slightly more light.

After a bit of deliberation and carrying on about how shy and nervous I usually am, I eventually convinced myself to go to COAP's game night tonight. In retrospect, I'm glad I did. To be honest, I'm not sure when I've had that kind of fun.

I arrived at the coffee house a little before 6:30pm. As I was early, I decided to take the time to pull out the laptop an work on my writing. As I was finishing up the next chapter in A Journey to Queerdom, people started showing up. So I finished editing the pages locally, then turned off the computer, ordered another iced tea and went over to introduce myself.

By the end of the night, there were a total of six of us. Originally, four of us played Gloom, which is probably one of the most morbid games I've ever played. (Is it bad that I enjoyed it?) I almost won, but Woody cleared all the modifiers off one of my family members just before Paul killed off his last family member. As a result, Paul won the game.

The next game we played -- involving all six of us this time -- was Phase 10. Now I think I vaguely recall playing this game once before, but it was a few years ago. Fortunately, it was similar enough to other games that I caught on rather quickly. In fact, for the first few hands, I managed to take the lead. Eventually, that changed and I was probably close to being low man on the totem pole (kinky!) by the time I had to leave. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to stick around and finish the game, as I have to go to work early tomorrow and I'm working a ten hour or better shift. In fact, I shouldn't be taking the time to write this, but I figure I need the chance to wind down, anyway.

Overall, game night was a great experience. It's been a long time since I've sat down with a group of guys (and the first time when I wasn't the only gay guy in the bunch) and just hung out. It was nice to chat, joke around with one another, and just have a leisurely visit. In a lot of ways, it reminded me a lot of the nights my family will get together to play cards. I'm alread looking forward to the next game night at the end of this month.

I had a rather long day at work. I ended up working a ten hour shift, which is an hour longer than the shift I worked on Tuesday. But I needed to work that many hours to get my time in on a particular project. I believe I mentioned earlier that I was working on-site for Customer A and at my own company's office for Customer B. Well, in theory, I'm now assigned to Customer A full time.

However, Customer B still needs some of my time. That project took longer than expected, and we're still doing testing. As the only software engineer on the project, they need my support. So in addition to working a full week at Customer A's site, I'm trying to come in to our office for a few hours a week to support the work on Customer B's stuff. I put in two and a half hours total over Tuesday and Wednesday morning. As I had things to do that evening, I didn't put in a full eight hours at Customer A's site those days. So today was the day to make up the difference.

As a reward to myself for working so hard this week, I decided to come directly over here to Equal Grounds again after work. I decided to give their black bean wrap a try for dinner. It's actually pretty good. So here I sit, munching on a wrap and nachos and washing it all down with an iced tea. It's practically a perfect evening, especially when you consider that an episode of Law & Order is on the television, which is about fifteen feet or so directly ahead of me. So while I'm doing my writing, I also get treated to a great show. Of course, I've already seen this episode, but there aren't many I haven't seen already. I used to be a Law & Order fanatic.

Oh, back on the work topic (sort of), let me just say that I'm amazed by the incredible number of good looking guys that work for Customer A. Of course, most of them also seem to be incredibly young. I'm beginning to wonder if they hire 85% or better of their employees directly out of RIT. And actually, I know that at least two of the guys working on my team are co-ops from there. It's just crazy.

Not that I'd chase any of them. That would be a nightmare waiting to happen. Besides, I've decided I'd rather be the one being chased. ;)

Today was a great day. I managed to get out of the house around quarter of noon and headed up to the POC to hang out with Belinda during the healing clinic. Nobody showed up today, so we just ended up sitting around and talking. I took my laptop so that Belinda could read the local copy of Journey. She absolutely loved it, though she was frustrated that I hadn't written more. She got to the last page in the series and just sat there going, "That's it?" She also found a couple of typos I made, which I fixed and just uploaded.

When we finally decided to leave the POC, we decided to go to a late lunch at Red Lobster. She had the Shrimp Linguini Alfredo. Not being a seafood fan (but I love the garlic biscuits they serve at Red Lobster), I decided to go with the Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo. We both loved our meals, and there were a lot of cute waiters to check out. (We each commented on which ones we liked.)

After lunch, I brought my leftovers back to the house, then decided to go someplace for a walk. I was only a little after five and the day was absolutely beautiful. I decided to drive over to Shoen Place and park so that I could walk the trail along the canal. It was the first time I've walked the trail, and it was absolutely gorgeous. It's surprising how peaceful the area can be. You don't realize it driving along Route 96 in the same area.

After my walk, I ran to Target. I decided that with the weather warming up, I needed some more polo shirts. I only have three, and I can't wear tee shirts on the customer site like I do at my own office. While I was there, I also picked up a new belt. I've either lost weight or it's shifted, because my old belt wasn't doing a good job at holding up my pants anymore.

I also decided to get another package of underwear, as I'm running out of those, too. I had trouble picking out a package. I usually prefer to get a package that just has black and grey underwear in it, but all the packages today had other colors. I finally decided on the package that also had a blue pair and a red pair. I have to admit that I picked that package because something about the idea of wearing red undies amused me.

Overall, it was a pleasant and beautiful day. I'm thinking about topping it off with a movie this evening.

Tonight, I went to the COAP game night again. I had a great time, once again. Tonight was not only game night, but it was their weekly planning meeting. That's when they start coming up with events for the next month or so and adding them to the calendar. I don't think they ever got around to doing that tonight, because Woody was running late. So we got right into the game playing. First, we played Pit, which is basically a sort of trading game. it was insane, but fun. After we played several hands, we switched over to Guillotine. I'm not sure what it is about this group and morbid games, but it was fun.

Tonight, we had eight people show up. Woody, Paul, and Jeff all returned from last week. In addition, I got to meet John, Todd, and Jenny. Tonight, Alana came for the very first time, taking my place as the newbie. (Technically, I think we're going to share that role for the time being, though.)

After the gaming ended and people started leaving, a small group of us stuck around for a while to just chat. It was nice, because we all got to know each other a bit more. For example, I found out that Woody is also a computer programmer. And Alana told us about her experiences moving o the area and looking for a job. It was great to be able to learn a bit about the people I've bee gaming with.

What truly amazed me, however, was that I was able to spend two and a half hours with that many people and not feel any ill effects as a result. Apparently, I've learned to shield extremely well. It's nice to be able to keep everyone else's emotions at bay.

Tonight, I attended the ImageMovementSound Festival 2007 presentation on the campus of RIT. Unfortunately, I missed the first twenty minutes of this hour and a half long show because I'd never been on the campus before. I got lost, and quickly burned the fifteen extra minutes I had allowed myself to find Ingle Auditorium. But I eventually made it to the right place and was able to view all but three or four of the pieces presented.

I'm not going to attempt an in-depth critique of the fesival or any of the pieces presented. People who know me are well aware that my grasp of such things is tenuous at best. As I told my friend when he asked me how I liked the festival afterwards, I'm sure that I failed to comprehend or appreciate more than half of what the contributors were trying to convey. As such, I will simply leave my analysis as a simple statement that I enjoyed it. After all, the experience was incredible.

I would say that based solely on my subjective emotional reactions, my favorite piece would have to be "E=Motion." What I particularly liked about it was the two live dancers who performed on the stage as part of it. Their motions were fluid, and watching how they intereacted with one another, tumbling over an rolling across one another with each, was amazing. I can only imagine the amount of practice that both of them put in to perform such a routine.

For those who are in the area and did not get a chance to see IMS, I would like to point out that the festival will be putting in a stop at the Visual Studies Workshop auditorium on Sunday, April 15 at 8:00pm. So if you get the opportunity, reward yourself for getting your taxes filed by checking out the festival that night.

This afternoon, I received an email from the COAP mailing list. Apparently, the folks who run the ImageOut Film Festival have arranged for comedian Vickie Shaw to perform here in Rochester on April 20th. I've never heard of her before, but figured that I like to laugh, and a night out is always a good idea. So I ordered a couple of tickets.

You heard that right, I ordered two tickets. I decided that since I'm doing something as radical as actually developing a social life for myself, I might as well go all the way and even plan to invite someone to go with me. With any luck, one of my friends will be equally interested in an opportunity to get out and do something entertaining for an evening.

I have to admit, this is somewhat ambitious for me, and it has me feeling a bit weird. Normally, I'd wait until the last minute, hope I could still get a ticket, only get one, and go alone. But I realize that there's an inherent problem with that modus operandi. The whole point of going to something like this is to have a good time. The way I do these things, I go with the anticipation that I won't have a good time. What should be fun becomes a matter of obligation, and I end up only going through the motions. So I'm hoping that by getting the tickets somewhat in advance and anticipating finding someone to go with, I can set new expectations for myself. And hopefully, these new expectations will create a better quality of experience. Here's to hoping.

One of the things that I'm realizing right now is just how little I know about building and maintaining a social life. A simple matter of getting tickets to a comedy show and finding someone to go with strikes me as intimidating. And yet, these are things that people do all the time.

But then, most people have been doing things like this since their youth. To me, this whole idea of getting out and having a fun night on the town is pretty new. And that's a pretty disconcerting epiphany to have. In retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to do these kinds of things when I was younger.

Of course, growing up in rural Pennsylvania didn't help that. For youth in my hometown, the options were pretty much limited to going to church events (which I did a fair share of, myself) or find the nearest drinking party. The latter was completely not me. I didn't drink, and certainly didn't believe in underage drinking. Besides, I had little in common with those holding such parties.

Some of the more fortunate individuals could possibly go to the Arnot Mall just across the state line. There, options including just hanging out at the mall, shopping, or catching a movie. Unfortunately, I didn't have transportation, nor knew anyone who did. As a result, I had a substantially quiet life at home, spending most of my time in solitude.

In college, I was a bit more socially active. I had the friends from Acts 29 and InterVarsity. But even then, we tended to hang out in someone's room. Occasionally, we might catch a movie as a group or run to one of the restaurants. Or we might even occasionally catch a play produced by the school's drama department. But we didn't spend a lot of time going out into the world.

After college, it was back to rural Pennsylvania. This time I had a car, and could go to the more populated areas about half an hour away. But at this point, I had no real close friends, and the idea of going to most events alone frightened me. And I certainly wasn't aware of most events in the area.

So I find myself having to learn little things here in Rochester, like how to find out about local happenings. I know that there are shows and concerts of all kinds throughout the area, but I'm not entirely sure how to best "plug in" to hear about them in time. (This is probably one of the reasons I jumped on the Vickie Shaw thing so quickly.)

And then there's the issue that I still don't want to go to most things alone. Now, the good news there is that I have a handful of friends here. Providing they're available, I can probably convince one of them to go to just about anything I'd be interested in checking out. But it's a new mode of thinking that I'm going to have to get used to. And as I said in the beginning, I can't help but feel like this is something most people learn to do at a younger age and find it much more natural than I do now. That's a bit frustrating right now.

I lost my cell phone this morning. When I got to the customer site, I went to take it off my belt, only to find the belt clip was empty. I couldn't do anything about it, so I prayed that I somehow left it at home (not really a possibility, given the belt clip was with me) and went in to work. After work, I decided to run right home to check. My neighbor came out the front door as I got out of my car. It turns out that I had lucked out. Apparently, I knocked the silly thing off while dusting the snow off my car this morning. My neighbor had come home at lunch and found it. So I thanked him profusely and hopped back into my car to head for Equal Grounds.

I almost went to Jitters here in Henrietta instead. As of yesterday, the POC started having our weekly Meet and Greets there, and I found it an incredibly enjoyable place. However, I decided I wanted the slightly more cozy atmosphere of my old haunt, so I made the drive to the South Wedge. While there, I wrote some erotica and the next chapter of Journey.

While there, a couple other patrons watched Hide and Seek. I glanced up from time to time to watch the giant screen (it was less than four feet from me) for a few seconds, but I mainly focused on the writing. From what I saw, it was a pretty bizarre movie, and I never expected the ending.

The new chapter in Journey is about my longest relationship. It was a strange one to write. I'm finding that as the events I'm writing about get closer and closer to the modern day, it's a little harder to write. Of course, part of that is because the issues Ihave to write about are things I'm still working on in some sense. This became apparent as I wrote the last few paragraphs of this chapter. I realized that the end of that relationship was about realizing what I deserved and demanding it. That's something I'm still working on right now, and the need to continue insisting on the kind of love, affection, and attention I both want and deserve is a lesson that's getting driven home right now.

I had a relatively good Easter. I made it home at around 5 yesterday evening. Mom made meatloaf for supper. That's a meal I haven't had in some time, and I certainly appreciated it last night. After supper, I took a four hour nap. Of course, that meant that when I got back up, I spent most of the night either watching a movie or chatting with people online. I didn't get to bed until almost 7am. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in until 10am that morning.

I spent part of today playing around with RocWiki. I ended up creating a page on there for the POC, as well as doing some other minor editing. And I created my user profile page, of course. I'm starting to become enamored with the whole Wiki concept, to be honest with you.

Mom served the traditional Easter dinner with ham, potatoes, gravy, and stuffing at a little after two in the afternoon. Because I wanted to get home to take care of Precious (I left her here in Rochester as I didn't want to stress her out with the traveling for an overnight trip) and do some other odds and ends, I left shortly after lunc. I did wait around long enough to get a cooler and a tupperware dish filled with a few hunks of ham, however.

Let me just say as an aside that I absolutely despise Easter. Not the holiday itself, but the fact that just about everything is closed all day because of the holiday. When I got home, I was in the mood to get out in the public for a while. So I decided to try running to a couple of the coffeehouses in the area to get a nice drink and do some writing. But alas, they were both closed. After the second one, I decided to just give up.

It's a shame that everything was closed. One of the reasons that I went out was that I was really craving social interaction. Actually, going home for even twenty four hours drove home just how much I really am craving that right now. (Of course, the lengthy, deeply personal and somewhat discomforting IM conversation I had with Brian didn't help that, either.) In some ways, I felt trapped there at my parents' house.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents very much and I like spending time with them. But there's a reason I left that area. It's not a good place for a liberally-minded gay guy to try building friendship and build a social network. And going back there, even for an overnight visit, tends to remind me of that. Especially right now since I'm working on trying to break that lack of human interaction and learning to release the social butterfly that really does appear to be hiding somewhere inside of me.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to the Wednesday night game night all the more. And I plan on getting out to do some writing on Tuesday, too.

Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he's not. And that bugs me. I don't want to be desperate for a relationship. I don't want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I'm okay with being single and stay there.

But it's difficult. Right now, I'm going through this whole thing where I'm becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It's difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I'm starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I've said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I've enjoyed it, it's not entirely comfortable for me. It's different. And there's that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that'd be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I'll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who's perfect for me, I'd ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can't deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

I checked the mail when I got home tonight. My tickets to the Vickie Shaw next Friday just arrived. Now I just have to find someone to go with.

Michele suggested I ask someone at COAP if they'd like to go. That's actually kind of tempting, but I'm a bit concerned that someone I'd ask would get the wrong impression. After all, I just wanta friend to hang out with. I'm not looking to necessarily have this be a dating thing. At least not yet.

Today, I got looking through old diary entries from the time when I moved up here to Rochester. As I read through them, it amazed me to notice how things have progressed since then. Things simply didn't work out the way I expected them to. But that's okay, because I like the way things turned out better than I would've had they gone the way I'd originally planned.

I think one of the things that truly amuses me is the fact that I mentioned in two separate entries how close the mall was to my townhouse. I was quite excited about that fact when I moved in. That's understandable, as the closest mall to me back when I lived with my parents was more than thirty minutes away by car.

Today, I rarely go to the mall. (And when I do, I will often make the trip out to the Eastview Mall instead.) In reality, I'm just not a big shopper, and I realized that hanging out at the mall and people watching (one of my original goals) just wasn't my style. I'd much rather interact with people rather than watch them. So now, I'm finding myself preferring the coffee shops and other venues where conversation is more likely to pop up.

Of course, I still like that all the other stores that cropped up around the mall are still there. Being ten minutes from Best Buy, Borders, Target, and Wal-Mart is still a plus. But those are conveniences, whereas the closeness of a mall was a novelty that quickly wore off.

Shortly after I moved, I also started making plans to volunteer at Lollypop Farms. I've officially given that up. I quit going regularly back before Christmas and just decided that while I enjoyed working with the cats and chatting with the staff and volunteers as we worked side by side, I'd rather sleep in after doing things on Saturday nights. And any other shift would similarly interfere with other activities I've gotten into since coming to the area.

I also tried three classes through the Rush-Henrietta school district's continuing education program the first nine months I was here. I enjoyed every last one of them, but they weren't quite what I expected. I had joined to meet people, and I did exactly that. But I also found that most of them were older people. As I was and am trying to meet people in my own age bracket, I decided to give that a halt.

However, I will note that I'm toying with the idea of teaching a class. The blogging class I took through them was discontinued after the first quarter they tried it. This was because the instructor for the class took a new job and was no longer able to teach the class. I've considered talking to the continuing education office about teaching my own class of that sort. But I haven't committed yet.

While I didn't mention it in any of the diary entries back then, I would also note that I had originally checked out COAP. Back then, I decided not to join. Most of the events they described at the time were outings and trips, and I just couldn't see myself getting involved when I didn't know anyone. And yet, now, I'm becoming an increasingly active member in COAP. I've attended the last three game nights, and I'm off to a dinner this evening and eagerly anticipating the increased number activities that Woody says tend to start in the summer.

Learning about game night from Rob contributed greatly to my decision to reconsider my position on COAP. I wasn't prepared to go to Toronto with a bunch of strangers. But I could definitely see myself sitting around playing board games (actually, we have yet to play one) and card games with them. It was a setting that I could be relatively comfortable in, and it's proved quite rewarding.

But I also think it was a matter of me just not being ready until this past February. As I look back over the past twenty months, I realize that I've gone through a lot of growth and healing which have greatly boosted my self-confidence. This in turn has helped me learn to be more open to and even desire increased socialization. And I was able to see how much I needed it. So things changed, and now I'm ready to take those extra steps that I was only ready to talk about back when I moved here. In some ways, I guess you could say that moving here began a transitional period in my life that is only now drawing to a close. And as it does, I'm finding myself with a stronger foundation to reap the benefits of those changes.

Last night, as planned, I headed over to The Golden Port to meet other COAP members for a late dinner. I arrived a bit late, but found the large group. I ended up sitting down on one end. Marlena sat across from me. I didn't catch the name of the gentleman who sat to my right. When he came, a man by the name of Sam sat to my left.

I haven't entirely made up my mind about how I feel about the experience, to be honest with you. This is because it was a chaotic dinner and there were both high points and low points. I've pretty much decided that I need to attend the same dinner next month and possibly the one after that before I make up my mind about whether I'm going to continue going to them.

In fairness to the group, I was tired by the time I got there. I had worked until 7pm that evening, and my shift had been mentally exhausting. Combine that with the general physical inactivity of a desk job, and you have a state of being that didn't quite put me at my peak for socializing, anyway. Add to that the fact that my natural shyness and tendency towards introversion was trying to assert itself at the same time, and I have to admit that I was not in my element to begin with.

Now, add to this the fact that most of the other dinner-goers had just come from the business forum. Both Zara and Jennie talked to me about the business forum, but I really don't understand much about it other than (1) it serves as a monthly fundraiser for Pride and (2) it involves the consumption of alcohol. So I was tired, feeling introverted, and surrounded by a group of people who were all intoxicated to some degree or another. This is not a good combination when you're empathically gifted. So I spent a couple moments at various points in the dinner just trying to get my already work-addled mind to put my shielding exercises to effective use.

Then there was the minor issue of the fact that I was a newcomer entering into a group situation where everyone else knew each other and were great friends for the most part. I think it's difficult for all but the most socially agressive people to find a way to break in on that sort of situation. So I was finding it difficult to get involved in the conversations that I was able to hear and follow through all the chaos.

Sam and I did talk a bit, however. We didn't say anything earth shattering, mind you. But I will admit that he was a bit more outgoing than the others seated immediately around me, which helped me break the ice a bit better. He was quite funny, and I was able to warm up a bit more after his arrival, for which I'm grateful.

Also, towards the end of the meal, Zara got up from her seat and wandered around so that she could say hello to those who were too far from her while she was eating. She came down and spoke to Sam and I for a while, which was a nice experience. Even that brief conversation improved my own experience a great deal. She told me about the business forum, and encouraged me to attend that as well next month. I haven't made a final decision, though I am certainly considering it. I asked her if they also serve non-alcoholic beverages (the only thing more trying than being an empath around intoxicated people is being an intoxicated empath around intoxicated people -- and possibly even sober people), which I don't think she ever actually answered, come to think of it. Of course, she made sure that Sam and I had been introduced and gotten along. Sam made up this rather amusing melodramatic story about how it had been rough at first and we even had a spat, but we were able to patch things up. It was hillarious, and Estella would've loved it.

So overall, I suppose I did have a good time. At least I had a good enough time that I'm willing to give it another try come May. However, given this experience, I think I'll try to plan ahead a bit. For example, I will do my best to make sure that I don't work longer hours earlier in the day. If at all possible, I'll even try to put in an extra hour or so earlier in the week so I can knock off a bit early. That way, I can get in some meditation and other work to better prepare myself for the chaos. That should help put me in a state where I'm more able to focus on trying to be sociable. And hopefully, as I attend a few more times, I'll start getting to know people better and find it easier to find a place in the various conversations going on.

After deciding to take a night to myself and watching movies on Friday night, I decided to return to the business of exploring my more social nature yesterday. As Michele was working at Psychic's Thyme, I decided to go there for part of the day and hang out with her. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Belinda was also there. As it turns out Belinda had invited her daughter, Min, to stop in and visit too. I have to admit that I had a bit of fun giving Min a hard time, and received at least as well as I gave.

Min and Belinda decided to go to lunch and invited me to go along. I graciously accepted, and we ended up going to the Chinese Buffet in Jefferson Plaza in Henrietta. We had a pleasant lunch and a great conversation. On the way back to the shop, Min took us to her apartment so that Belinda could see it. Min was kind enough to not make me wait in the car. Given the guy we ran into on the way into the apartment building, I was grateful for that.

We parked on the street behind this kid (well, he was probably in his early twenties) who was getting stuff out of his SUV. We headed for the apartment building, only to discover that the young man had the same destination in mind. As I reached the door first, I held it open for the ladies and even waiting the few extra seconds to hold it for the other guy who was just a few steps behind us. Of course, this meant that he passed me, thereby giving me an excellent opportunity to check him out. Naturally, I made excellent use of such an opportunity. Belinda caught me and waited long enough to accuse me of "shameful behavior" once the young man was out of earshot. I simply pointed out to her that I'd actually have to have shame first, and that my lack of shame made it shameless behavior.

Of course, Belinda was pretty sneaky herself. As the three of us approached the small elevator in the building, the same man was busy loading his stuff into the small car. Min waved me to step into the elevator myself and then told Belinda to get in. Instead, she chose to wait for the elevator to come back. She later told me I "owed her" for letting me have some time with the guy alone. Considering we hardly even spoke, I don't feel I owe her anything.

After checking out the apartment and chatting for a bit, we headed back to the shop. Min said her goobyes, as she had work that afternoon. Belinda and I spent the rest of the day hanging out and chatting until the shop closed. As a result, I get to know Tobie and her kids better, which was a pleasure.

I realized just how much I like hanging out there. Psychic's Thyme is one of those places where I feel socially comfortable. It's a place where I have a sense of how I fit in, and I can usually get a conversation going with someone. But it's also a place where I feel confident saying hello to the random people who come and go through the day. I realized it's perfectly natural for me to greet customers as they enter and say goodbye as they leave. This is especially beneficial in those situations where those actually working there are busy with other matters (like ringing a purchase up) and therefore aren't able to do so themselves. And of course, if a customer is in the mood to make a bit of conversation while shopping, I've found I can do that as well.

I hope that as I continue to come to Equal Grounds and attend various COAP events, I find myself develop a similar sense of safety and self-confidence there. In reality, that's exactly what I need, so that I can feel safe enough opening up and even taking some initiative in building friendships.

For the past couple of days, I've been debating with myself about what I wanted to do tonight. A COAP member was hosting a dart night over at Nasty D's pub. And while I don't play darts (the thought of me throwing sharp, pointy projectiles is too frightening for words), I seriously considered going anyway just to hang out and chat with those playing. After all, it would be another opportunity to meet people and hang out with others.

But at the same time, I found myself wondering if it might be better for me to stay home. After all, I've been busy every other evening this weekd. And even tomorrow evening, I'm booked with the Vickey Shaw comedy show. On top of that, my body is giving me clear signals that I need to slow down a bit and get more rest. So I found my desire to make good of yet another fantastic opportunity to change my isolation battling agaisnt my growing realization that even though I need to spend regular time in the company of others, I also need some time to recuperate. Trying to decide which argument was going to win out was not easy.

Fortunately for me, circumstances have changed in such a way that it makes the decision moot. Last night, when I checked my email, I discovered that dart night has been postponed until next week. So this frees me to go home, put in a movie, and just generally chill without worrying about missed opportunities.

Of course, I suspect I'll face the same choice next week. However, with any luck, I will be more rested and can schedule down-time for a different evening.

This evening, I picked up Becky at her apartment and headed over to the Clarion Riverside Hotel to catch Vickie Shaw doing her comedy act. Before I saw the announcement a month ago that ImageOut was sponsoring her for a one night act in the area, I had never heard of her before. All that I can say is that I now know what I've been missing.

Vickie Shaw does an incredible standup routine that mostly focuses on her life, her relationship with Sargent Patch, her relationship with her kids and other family members, and her general outlook on life. She then salts this routine by having a bit of fun with the stereotypes about gay men and lesbians. Her delivery is accentuated by her personality, which is the essence of southern refinement with a coarser edge. (Or maybe it's the other way around, it's hard to say.)

Some of my favorite lines from tonight's act are as follows:

"I told you I love you once. If I change my mind, I'll let you know!"

"We gay people think you straight people out there are just fine. We just don't want you teaching our kids."

"And the baby dykes scream, 'No! I dont want to wear it!'" (Talking about little girls and Easter dresses.)

The entire show was an hour long stream of stories and jokes which kept us all laughing. After her act was over, she held a question and answer session, inviting the audience to ask her anything. At this point, Ms. Shaw demonstrated that she was not only a comic genius, but an intelligent and deeply thoughtful woman. This particularly became clear when she spoke about the stand-up comic business and the difficulty that lesbians and gay men -- the latter more especially -- face in trying to make it in the business.

After everything was over, I took Becky around and introduced her to some familiar faces. I also made a point of taking a moment to speak with Ms. Shaw and thank her for such an enjoyable experience. I also bought a copy of her DVD, "Vickie Shaw Live." I plan on tormenting Belinda with it tomorrow evening.

It was a spectacular night, and I'm glad I went. Becky had a great time too, an being able to share the experience with a friend certainly added to the overall experience. And if I ever get a chance to catch Ms. Shaw's act again, you better believe I'll jump all over it.

Yesterday, I got up around 9:30am, shaved, and hopped into the shower. Once I took care of a few other odds and ends, I hopped into my car and made the drive down to Elmira to see my friend, Mike. I hadn't seen him in over a year, as I've been rather busy up here in the Rochester area most weekends. It was great to catch up with him, and he certainly needed a friendly face, seeing as his marriage just recently ended. I was both surprised and saddened to hear that. I was the best man at his wedding back in 2005, and they seemed like a great couple. But things can change over time.

Surprisingly, he and I seem to be going through a lot of the same inner processes right now. It turns out that he too is going through this realization that he needs to treat himself more and get out more. He's actually started going out to a movie every weekend, which is a radical change for him. I think it'll be good for him however. We got talking about both our growing senses that we needed to get out more, which made it nice that we could relate. We then watched a few episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus before I had to get back on the road.

After that, I ran to Dansville to see my friend, Belinda. She was housesitting for her parents this weekend, and she invited me to come see her. Michele had also decided to come spend the afternoon and evening there, so we had a good time. When I arrived, they were watching a movie on Lifetime. It was a pretty interesting movie, and they filled me in on enough details that I could enjoy the ending. After that, we decided to run to the truckstop for dinner and had a great time talking there. The food was pretty good, as usual. We eventually paid and went to Belinda's parents' home. When we got there, I popped in the DVD I bought at the Vickie Shaw show last night. Belinda and Michele both absolutey loved it, and the three of us laughed ourselves silly. I found it particularly interesting because the DVD was from her tour back in 2000. It was interesting to see how her act had changed since then. For example, Sargent Pach was just "her girlfriend" back in 2000 and didn't play quite as big a part in her act back then. Though there were some elements that were quite familiar, such as the whole "sexual peak" segment. Overall, the DVD was a riot, but I think I liked last night's act better. It just seemed more developed and refined. And I suppose that seven years later, that only makes sense.

Belinda and Michele have already told me that they'd love to go if Ms. Shaw is ever in the area next time. So I promised them that if I got any announcements about future shows, I'll be sure to get four tickets that time. Who knows? Maybe by then I'll have reason to get a fifth ticket. Hope springs eternal, after all.

Originally, I had planned on spending a couple hours at Seneca Park Zoo today. It's been quite a few months since my last visit, so it seemed like a good idea. However, when I got there and saw how full the parking lot was, I realized that the place was going to be packed. As such, I came up with a quick plan B and headed for Genesee Valley Park instead.

I haven't been to Genesee Valley Park since I went there for the Pride Picnic last July. I was a bit worried that I'd have trouble finding it again, but everything came back to me as I drove down Elmwood Avenue. In fact, I found the turn I should've taken to park next to the area the picnic was in last year. So I spent a good amount of time just wandering around the paths.

For those not familiar with the Rochester area, the park straddles a section of the Erie Canal, cutting it neatly in half. The picture to the left is of the foot bridge that connects the two halves of the park. I wandered along the paths along the east side of the canal. As I crossed another foot bridge, I noticed a group of people kayaking along the canal. I grabbed a quick shot of a couple of them.

One of the things that truly surprised me in my wandering is just how small of a space this city is packed into. After I crossed the bridge where I saw the kayakers, I soon found myself passing under a highway. I was quite surprised to discover that this was not only I-390, but it was near the south bound exit to get onto West Henrietta Road by way of the East River Road. considering I had taken that exit to get onto West Henrietta Road and then drove a mile to get to Elmwood Avenue and eventually to my parking spot in the park, I was surprised to find myself able to get back to this spot with just a few minute