The Musings of a Confused Man

Well, this was another day of doing little, but getting things done that will benefit me overall. For starters, I managed to do yet another fifteen minute meditation. I could grow to enjoy that. I may have to try and figure out a way to continue it while at work. I could take fifteen minutes out of my lunch break, but I need to work out the circumstances. I don't think I'd manage to do it at the office. People don't respect a person's lunch break if they're still in the building. So I'd end up getting interrupted. So I might see about trying it in my car. I could just sit in the driver's seat. If I leaned back a bit, most people might even assume that I was taking a nap and leave me alone. I might have to try that.

I have found that having some sort of timer is an absolute benefit when meditating. It creates a situation where you can relax and really get into the process of calming and focusing your mind. Before I got this little programmable digital timer I now use, I'd find myself having to worry about what time it was or how long it's taken. But now that I can just set the timer, close my eyes, and remain confident that my little "buddy" will let me know when it's time to stop, I found I can focus much more on what I'm attempting.

If I remember right, I got the fifteen minute time limit from the ADF Dedicant's program. It's the nominal time for daily meditations that they recommend (though they actually require much less to complete the program -- or least used to). I'm beginning to understand why. There seems to be something about that time frame. Today, as I was doing my meditation, I found a certain pattern forming. And I'm pretty sure that yesterday worked the same way. It seems as though the first few minutes of that time span is spent trying to relax and actually get into the right state of mind. Then the majority of the time is spent in a good meditative state -- I completely zoned today, I think. But by the end of the fifteen minutes, I've been finding that my mind starts "resurfacing" on its own. My state of meditation tends to get much lighter. And this usually happens -- at my best guess, since I don't actually look -- about two to three minutes before the timer goes off.

I also went for my mile walk today, again. This time, I made the circuit in sixteen to seventeen minutes. I think that's a minute faster than yesterday. I"m really quite surprised that I'm able to walk it that quickly. Maybe it means that I'm not in quite as bad shape as I thought I was. Sure I still have to lose about 100 pounds, but I'm not just doing this to lose weight. I'm also doing this for my stanima and other health concerns. The weight loss -- which I do hope comes eventually -- is just one more benefit . And a healthy one at that. Of coruse, I also need to cut back on the sweets again and generally watch my eating habbits. But that's next on my list. I honestly think that my biggest concern is my lack of physical activity. So hopefully, we'll be fixing that soon enough.

Tomorrow, I'm walking at the mall. I don't want to go down to the park because they're having a tractor pull there. From what I understand, that will be right next to the walking path -- if not straddling it! So I figure it'll be just as safe to go someplace else. And with any luck, the mall will be empty. But I know it's open, because Raechel says Friendly's will be open.

Tonight, I went for my walk. I'm actually doing really well at this again. I'm finding that four or five days a week seems makes for the perfect regimen. It's comfortable. That was the problem I had with walking every day back in November. As time went on, I started feeling like I had to "force" my exercise. I think I overdid it and burned out. Whereas with this new pattern, I get two or three days off each week, which keeps me feeling good. I get both the exercise and the breaks I need.

I'm also thinking about modifying my schedule. I was originally planning on walking Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But the more I think about it, that really doesn't make sense. It means that I'm walking four days in a row, taking a break, walking one day, and then taking another break. And let me tell you, those Friday through Monday benders are getting to me a bit, I think. I think it makes sense for me to take my break on Monday and then walk Tuesday and Wednesday. That way, I'm walking a maximum of three days in between breaks. I think I'll find it more comfortable.

Now I just have to work out a more doable meditation schedule...

Well, I hadn't originally planned on taking a short hiatus, but it appears that's what happened. It was a matter that I got so busy the last few days, that I just didn't take the time or find the energy to write an entry. Oh well, I think I needed the break, anyway.

I needed a break from life in general, I think. This afternoon, I took a two and a half hour nap and did hardly anything today. In fact, the only thing I did was go down to the park and go for my walk. I haven't been doing that for over a month now. Well, not regularly, at least. I've been walking here and there at different times, but I need to work on my consistency again.

My sister and her kids are away for a couple of days. They decided to drive down to New Jersey today and spend a couple nights with a friend my sister made while she and her husband were stationed down there. That means that I got a relatively quiet house all day. So I don't have to stay up until almost midnight to get two solid hours of peace and quiet before bedtime.

I'm finding I need that peace and quiet before I go to bed. It helps me to relax more, so I'm more ready to drift off to sleep. And anything that will help me drift off more easily is definitely a welcome change. I think that's part of why I'm still cutting back on my television watching so much. Not having my brain inundated by television is more mentally calming too. Though I watched more television this week than the previous week. That's partly because I decided to watch a couple of movies on DVD. I was in the mood to watch Blade Friday night (I didn't get home in time to watch it on TNT from the beginning). But I couldn't find my DVD. So I ended up watching The Matrix instead. Though now I'm going a little crazy wondering where that DVD got off to.

On Friday, I had to take my mother's miniature schnauzer to the groomer. We got his shaved down. He looks funny, but I'm getting used to the look. Instead of looking like a giant dust mop with legs, he now looks like a real dog. He still needs to be trimmed up around the chin a bit, but the groomer said she was having problems with him because the sound of the clippers bothered him. But she's sure that he'll get used to it after a couple of groomings. The next one will be in six to eight months. Hopefully, getting it done will convince Mom that regular grooming will help the poor guy with his skin problems.

On Saturday, I went to see my friends Mike and Amber. I finally got to meet their little bundle of legs, fur, and teeth, Shamrock. He's a twelve week old Italian Greyhound. And he's absolutely adorable, but he's a handful. He's about the only dog I've met that is more hyper than my mother's dog or my sister's black lab mix. And unlike either of those dogs, Shamrock is flexible enough to still chew on you if you try to hold him with your hand on the underside of his neck. But I didn't get any visible scratches, so it's all good.

I think I took my last outdoor walk of 2004. I had my light, nylon jacket on, and until I got heated up and sweating, I was pretty darn cold. I suppose I could keep the outdoor walks going if I switched over to my winter coat, but I'm not sure I want to do that, yet. Besides, that's only a temporary fix, and the way that the weather is feeling, it wouldn't last long. Soon, it will be my face, hands, and feet getting too cool. And I can't forget that my jeans are still pretty loose. No, I think it'll be better to switch to indoor walking. I'll just have to start going to the Pyramid Mall during lunch so that I can walk there. Though that mall is almost too small for a real walk.

My other option is to wait until after work and go to the Arnot mall so I can walk there. It's a larger mall and better for walking. But I think I prefer to walk during the middle of the day. I found it's helping me some with my appetite problems in the middle of the afternoon. If I get a good walk in just before I eat lunch, I find lunch much more satisfying and it seems to keep me satisfied longer. I don't exactly get that, since walking should increase my metabolism, causing my body to burn through the calories of lunch even quicker. There must be a piece to the equation I'm missing. Probably several, if I think about it.

Well, I guess it's time to write about the time of year. I've been putting it off because I don't want to, but it's been on my mind too much to avoid it any longer. I knew I'd have to get it out there sometime, so I might as well get it over with. This week marks the six year anniversary since the nuclear explosion between Z, S, and myself. It's hard to narrow it down past "this week," since the whole thing strung out over a period of seven to ten days. I mark the time period from when S sent me the "I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you for at least six months" email on 9 October and she replied to my email telling her off on 17 October with a statement that she didn't care what "my side of the story" was and made death threats. In between, both she and Z told me that they never wanted to talk to me again and lots of other nasty things. I grant you, some of them were deserved. I was no innocent, and I don't want to give the impression that I was, or the impression that I think I am.

I don't know, but part of me wonders if this is why I've been a bit morose and on edge lately. I've been trying to deny that, as I really don't want to admit that this might still bother me. But then again, the fact that it's on my mind suggests that it might. But then I find myself wondering. Am I morose and on edge because the time of year has reminded me of these past events? Or has my mood simply caused my mind to dredge all this back up. I suppose it doesn't matter. I suppose all that matters is that it's on my mind and I have to write it out.

Damn, I really didn't want to write about this. I'm not entirely sure I want to think about it. At least not in this emotional context. It's been six years. I've made new friends. I've met a wonderful man and I'm in a relationship I enjoy. I'd rather just let all the past hurts slip gently away. But I guess they have to do that in their own time, don't they?

The funny thing is, the whole thing with Z himself doesn't really bother me anymore. It seems to me that I made peace with him, and that's all water under the bridge. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't feel a tinge of something -- sadness maybe? -- over how things went with him. But there's a certain peace there. If not perfect, it's been resolved. But I don't have that feeling with S. Isn't it strange that the person I was theoretically closer to -- the one I had a romantic relationship and the first person I ever had sex with -- causes less of an emotional reaction than the one I was just friends with?

I suppose part of that is because of the betrayal involved. It's because I thought she and I were good friends. I let myself be vulnerable to her -- possibly in ways I wouldn't let myself be vulnerable to Z. And she betrayed that. Not only did she betray that, but she practically declared me evil incarnate, and I think that's what really hurt. I mean sure, I was in the wrong in some ways. But evil incarnate was pushing it a bit far.

I think it also is because I took her crap onto myself. For a while, I believed her accusations. I let myself be crushed by her hurtful words. In effect, the hurt and anger towards her is also partly the hurt and anger towards myself for accepting that kind of wounding. Maybe even for making myself vulnerable in the first place.

But I'm not angry at her anymore. At least not as near as I can tell. Anger takes up too much energy. It has to be constantly kindled, and I've quit wasting that energy. Heck, I can't even say that I hold her in contempt any more. Contrary to what I've often thought, I'm finding that just takes too much effort and energy, too.

Do you know what I do feel for her? Pity. And maybe a little sympathy. But mostly pity, I think. She reacted the way she did not just because she didn't know everything and made assumptions, but because she let her own emotional demons rule her reaction. And unless things have changed for her in the last six years, she's still living with that, and may have to live with that for the rest of her life. She's built a cage for herself out of the past and her own bitterness and anger, and she doesn't even see that she's trapped in it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she's moved on from that point in her life, breaking the bonds she helped strengthen. But I don't know if that's happened. All I know is what I saw. And it's that S of the past that I pity.

I hope I'm not doing the same thing. I want to be free of this past. And I think I've done my best to set myself right. I think I've broken many thigns that have held me from these betrayals and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize those that remain and the strength to break them as well when I do recognize them.

But I still find myself wondering why this is still coming to my mind.

Two days ago, I said that I probably just took my last walk outdoors for 2004. It turns out that I was wrong. It was such a beautiful and sunny day out, so I decided to take another walk outdoors. It was a bit cool despite the sun (Weather.com says it's 64*F (or right about 18*C for you metric-heads) in my area), the wind was low and my light jacket was enough to keep me warm. This was especially true after my blood got pumping and the exercise kept my body heat up. But it felt good.

I'm also glad to see that I'm slowly starting to get used to walking again. There for a while, my legs started really bothering me. I was starting to get concerned that something was wrong with them and that I was going to have to run back to the doctor. But it looks like it's just a lack of regular exercise, and now they're starting to protest less and less. Of course, I'm still not going quite as fast as I was when I was really focused (I used to go another 200 yards or so in the same amount of time I'm walking right now). I'm a bit bummed about that, but I expect I'll gain that back as I get working at it again. After all, that was also when I was twenty pounds lighter. I'm still upset I put on that extra weight since July, but I'm determined to take it right back off -- and at least another 100 pounds right after it. Though I think I'm going to stretch it out over a year or two if I can. I don't want to start doing the weight yo-yo game, after all.

Today is a fairly dull day at work. I'm waiting to have a meeting with Nate so that we can go over the new development tools for his project. I've configured and used them, and now I have to teach him to do likewise. I suppose I could also work on my specification for Steve's project, but I'm not in the mood for that. I really hate writing documentation. It's the one part of my job that I wish I could get out of.

The biggest problem with having a slow day like this -- or a day where the only thing I need to do is something I'd like to do -- is that it's the kind of days where my willpower is weak. I find myself tempted to go to the vending machine and get a tasty -- but fattening -- snack for myself. It's really quite funny. On days when I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest, I don't even consider it. I just go on. Heck, I've even skipped supper until much later in the evening if I was sufficiently busy. I've heard that some people will eat -- particularly junk food -- as much out of boredom as out of hunger. I really think I'm one such person. It's quite a frustrating trait. I wonder if there's an effective way to break the association between boredom and eating.

I went for my walk this evening. I didn't get out of bed or get laundry started early enough to commence my walk in the afternoon as has become my custom. And without clean laundry, my only other option was to walk in the nude. The chances of that happen are one in a google. Maybe even one in a google plex. Besides, considering the temperature out right now, that's jut not an option.

Overall, I give my exercise effort a B this week. I'm half tempted to go with a B-, but I think that's being too hard on myself. I actually managed to walk four days this past week. It's only one less than the five that I'm aiming for. I missed yesterday's walk because, quite frankly, I wasn't feeling well enough to go for a walk. I wasn't sure that I wouldn't get half way through it and suddenly find myself in dire need of a bathroom -- which would be nowhere to be found.

After my walk tonight, I went out and bought some music. I bought a sampler of trance music. I'm checking it out now. It's actually pretty good. I'd love to get more. Now I just have to find out who I might like. That's always the fun part. I know absolutely nothing about music. And to be honest, I don't have a huge desire to learn. I'm very superficial about my music. All I want to know is "this song sounds nice."

I also ran to Friendly's for supper. I had a lovely bacon cheeseburger. One of my favorite things. I was in a mood for some good beef. I probably had way too much, but it was worth it.

While there, I also read some. Friendly's is my favorite reading spot, after all. Much less distractions than at home. I continued on in my reading of Huson's book, "Mastering Witchcraft." I'm still having mixed feelings about it. I still think the guy's being more than a little pretentious. What gets me is that he always adds "of art" to the end of most things he's talking about. "Using your brush of art, write these runes on it with your paint of art." It just strikes me as being ridiculously wordy. I just have trouble imagining any of the witches I know and respect -- all who seem to be rather down to earth and plain spoken -- using such phrases.

Of course, the underlying reason for using such phrases also leaves me wondering. He's one of these people who seem to think that every little thing that you use in magic should only be used in magic. It should never be used for anything else. Now, in many cases, I agree with him. I think that the major altar tools -- such as the knife, the cup, and the censer -- should usually only be used for those purposes for which they were consecrated. There are good and sound reasons for this. But I'm not sure that really applies to such things as paint and other supplies. These are not the "great tools." These are "things a witch finds useful." And it seems that the no-nonsense style of witch magic would call for just pulling whatever was needed from an already existing of "mundane items." You need a piece of red thread? You go to your sewing kit, get the spool of red yarn that you bought to repair that dress, and you cut off what you need for your magic. You need to paint symbols on a tool or talisman? You grab the paint cans from when you painted the bedroom and you use a small quantity of it. Now sure, maybe the paint should be consecrated. So you pour out the small amount you will use into a smaller container and you consecrate it. You don't consecrate the entire bucket, thereby risking wasting it if you don't use it before it dries up. And I see no need to go buy something special for magic when you have a perfectly usable quantity of the same thing already.

I don't know, I just see the idea of keeping two separate sets of supplies for "mundane" and "magical" uses as entirely impractical. And that goes against the nature of witchcraft, in my opinion.

This has been a bit of a hectic week. Between getting the rust spot on my car fixed, taking care of work, and doing my stuff for the endocrinologist, I've been a bit busy. And on top of that all, I've been trying to get more rest. I feel like I'm still on the verge of being sick again. I think I'll be fine, but only if I can keep myself rested up and relatively well. That's why I haven't been online much this week. I mean, heck, I've even been late reading Catharsis on a few days. Reading the latest Catharsis strip is usually one of the first things I do when I have access to the Internet. But things have been so crazy, it hasn't been happening.

I'm curious to see what's going on with my blood sugar. I've come pretty darn close to bottoming out on two nights this week. On Wednesday night when I checked it at 7:30 (about two hours after supper), it was down to 67. I immediately had a yogurt before Mom and I ran the van to the body shop. And then Thursday night, I was clear down to 59. I stood in the kitchen eating a snack and I felt like I was wolfing it down. I also felt myself slightly shaking at the time, too.

The good news is that it was quite a bit better last night. When I got home and took my "after supper" reading, I was at a 96. I'm not entirely sure what made the difference. The only thing I can figure is that I actually ate supper half an hour later than normal. I'm not sure why that'd make a difference, but it's the only thing I can figure. Everything else, I did practically the same on each of those days.

I have about another hour before I can test my blood sugar tonight. My parents and I went out for supper and that made for a late meal. I'm a bit concerned about what it might be. After all, I had a lot to eat tonight -- the restaurant we went to gives ridiculously large portions -- so it might be a bit high. But then again, it can be up to 140 before Dr. Lee's going to get too concerned. And if it's only one test out of the entire week, that's probably not too terrible anyway. I just can't make a habit of it. (Taking the test every day and having to send it in to Dr. Lee's office sure helps keep me honest about just how habitual something like that is becoming, too.)

My car is fixed. The body shop managed to get it in on Thursday and finish the job up yesterday. So I left work about two hours early so that I could get there in time to pick up my car before they closed. They did a fantastic job. If I ever need body work done again (may the gods forbid!), I'd definitely consider going back there. Once I had the car, I also decided to run to the Ford dealership. I need a second key made. And unfortunately, I have one of those cars that uses the keys with the anti-theft microchips in them. So that's something you have to get directly from the dealer. On top of that, because I only have the one key, the dealership has to program the keys by hooking the car up to the diagnostic computer. To do the "easy programming" method, you need two previously-programmed keys. I'm a bit annoyed about that because it means I have to pay a bit extra. But ce'st la vie, I suppose. I'm getting it done on Monday morning because they said they couldn't do it yesterday. They said it would take a half hour to do the job and everyone was getting ready to go home for the evening. I just stood there shaking my head. It was only 4:30. Most of us have to work until 5:00. But nope, these guys were "getting ready to go home" and therefore couldn't start a half hour job. People talk about "banker's hours," geez, I want to start working "mechanic's hours." Oh well, now I'm just being silly. I'm not really upset, but it gives me something to mutter about. Sometimes, it's just fun to do that.

It's been a pretty good day. I went for my walk on my lunch break. That's the second one for this week. I need to get one more in. I'm looking at Saturday for that. I figure I'll give myself tomorrow off. Besides, I have to run out to lunch tomorrow. I figure I'll need the extra time to stand in line at Subway.

While I was at the mall today, I picked up Mike's Christmas present. I got him one of those "pictures in motion." They're a neat idea. Basically, they're a picture of some scene with water in it. There is a light behind the picture and there is some sort of mechanism that causes the light to shift slightly. The net result is that the water looks like it's actually flowing. The specific picture I got Mike has a watefall flowing into a pool. It's absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully, he likes it. I think he will, because he was practically cooing over such "moving pictures" when we saw them at the Carousel Mall. So when I found the same place had a kiosk set up at the Pyramid Mall, it became a pretty obvious gift idea.

This evening I tested my blood sugar when I got home. It was 55. Needless to say, everything got dropped and I made a quick hunt for food. I ended up having yogurt, six cups of popcorn (the proper serving I'd normally have in the evening is three cups), and a quarter cup of dried pineapple -- which had way too much sugar added. Frighteningly, though, when I tested my blood sugar again at 9:30 or so, it was still only up to a 78. This is just insane. I hope Dr. Lee changes my medications soon-ish.

So, I had quite the adventure yesterday. I got up at 10 in the morning, checked my blood sugar, and took my pills. Then I sat down to my computer and played Insaniquarium (I beat the adventure!) while I waited the requisite thirty minutes. Once that time elapsed, I decided to go ahead and have breakfast. I got everything around and ate, then spent the rest of the morning puttering around online. It gave me a chance to get caught up on friends' diaries and respond to a few emails and posts on message boards.

As it got to be about 12:30, I decided it was time to think about lunch. I decided that I wanted to go out for lunch, as I was having a restless day and just needed to do something to get my mind and body in a calmer state. So I took my shower and grabbed an apple out of the bag. I ate it as I drove to the mall.

I got to the mall at about 2:00. I knew I had to take my walk (it was my last chance to get the third day of exercise in for last week), so I decided to get that out of the way before I ran upstairs to eat. I wasn't all that hungry since I had the apple, and I was feeling great. So I took my usual circuitous route through the halls of the mall and through a few of the anchor stores. Towards the end, I was getting hungry, but I finished my twenty minutes before getting my back out of the locker at the entrance and heading up to the food court. Once inside Friendly's, I gave my waitress (Diane) my order and then headed for the bathroom. I was feeling a bit lightheaded, so I decided it was time to get out my glucometer and check my blood sugar again.

Well, I had trouble with it. For whatever reason, the first time I stabbed myself with the lancet, my finger didn't want to bleed. I got a tiny drop and decided to try it. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough blood there to fill the test strip and the machine errored out. So I grab another strip, and poke another finger. Now by this time, I'm starting to get concerned because I've started sweating profusely. I know I just went for a brisk walk, but I didn't exert myself that much.

The second time, I got enough blood and the machine flashed up a number. That number was 50. So I immediately spotted Diane, flagged her down, showed her the results (fortunately, she understood what I was showing her) and asked her to get me something sweet NOW. She blinked, ran back into the kitchen and came out with a full glass of Coke for me. (She didn't even take time to put ice in the glass, bless her heart.) Needless to say, I chugged that down. By this time, the patron sitting at the table across the aisle from me has figured out what's going on and starts in asking "are you okay"? (Note: While the concern is appreciated on some levels, diabetics are not exactly in the best state of mind when they're blood sugar is critically low. As such, overbearing acts of concern like CONSTANTLY asking if they're okay is not a good idea. If you're in that situation, give the diabetic person something with lots of sugar -- fruits are best -- and then leave them alone. I managed to be courteous, but not much more than that.)

I get the impression that Diane also went back in the kitchen and told them to move my order to the front of the line, because it wasn't that long after that incident that my food came out. It may have just been that they were having a slow day, but it just seemed rather fast to me. But I got the soda and real food in me and in fifteen minutes my blood sugar was up to 72. That's not fantastic, but it's generally stable for me. And by the time I got home, I was clear up to 166. To tell you the truth, I'm surprised that it wasn't even higher with all the sugar from the soda. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

So I learned a very important lesson. Even if I had a late breakfast and a light snack, I will NOT go walking before I eat if I'm having a late lunch. I should've known better, really. But I figured I ate breakfast late enough and had that apple so that my blood sugar should be just fine. Apparently, I was wrong. Not that this totally surprises me. I've found incidents where my blood sugar level seems to be time-dependent as much as food-dependent. For example, I've noticed a tendency to have higher blood sugar in the evening if I eat supper after 5:30 than if I eat it around 5:00. The fact that I take my medicines later and test my blood sugar later when I do that doesn't matter. Even with everything moved the same amount of time later into the evening, the results come back higher. So apparently, this is another of these oddities.

Today, I had another visit to the endocrinology department. I didn't see Dr. Lee, though. This was my chance to have follow-up meetings with Jen and Faith. And I have to admit that I had quite a pleasant time with them. Of course, the good news right at the beginning helped that a ton.

I got to the office at about 2:45, checked in, and paid $100 on my outstanding bill. That's about half of what I owe from my last visit. I would've paid the other half too under other circumstances. However, with this being a non-payday week and already having spent a significant amount of money on other bills this past week, I decided I should wait another week or two to pay the full amount. At least I figured roughly 50% would be a "good faith token" that I am paying it and will continue to do so. So having checked in and taken care of the business portion of the visit, I sat down in the waiting room and patiently waited for my appointment. Faith was running a bit late and didn't get to me until almost 3:15, for which she apologized. I didn't mind, other than the fact that I was beginning to wonder if something had come up or something, but things turned out fine.

So before leading me into her office to pour over my food diary, Faith has me jump up on the scale to see what I weighed. And there was the pleasant surprise. It seems that since November 2, I have lost 18 pounds. I was a bit shocked. I had known I had lost some weight and I was hoping it was at least five or even ten pounds, but I'd never expected such high results. Needless to say, Faith was quite ecstatic, too. So we rushed into her office and I pulled out my food diary for her to look over. She went through it and was quite impressed with it. She commented that I was missing a few foods on the first page, which I explained was due to the fact that my mother and I had to spend the first few days doing some grocery shopping to help with my change in diet. (My family has never been very good about incorporating an adequate amount of fruits and vegetables in our diets, so it meant doing some serious restocking of foods for us.) She also commented on the few days where I seemed to "skip" meals and was fairly relieved when I explained that this was due to me forgetting to update my food diary in a timely manner and not being able to remember what I just ate. I did assure her that I ate, though, and she was satisfied. She said that I seemed to be doing quite well at making sure I hit all the major dietary needs as well as spreading my food intake throughout the day.

We even talked about my weight loss, and she reiterated her position on that. I actually like it. Her whole philosophy is that while she's always happy to see her clients lose weight, it's not her main aim. Her main aim is for them to do the work of eating a properly healthy diet of the proper proportions. In her mind, the weight will then take care of itself in turn. So I'm endeavoring to keep that in mind, because I think it's a helpful philosophy. So my plan is to continue to keep track of what I'm eating in writing and monitoring my glucose levels. Then I can let the weight take care of itself.

After our conversation, Faith told me she'd like to see me again in a couple months and we determined that we could schedule my appointment on the same day that I go back to see Dr. Lee, which is March 3. After this, she handed me the paper and went to see if Jen was ready for my appointment with her. Jen was ready, so Jen popped in Faith's office and had me come talk to her. Faith had already filled her in on the whole weight loss thing, and Jen was equally excited about it.

She went over my exercise calendar and saw that I've consistently met my goal of taking three twenty minute walks each week. She was quite pleased with this and inquired if I'd given any thought to any changes I might want to make to my physical activity. I told her that I had thought about it and decided that I did not want to increase the number of days I'm walking, due to the fact that it might prove difficult to make it someplace to walk more than three days a week when the snow starts falling. (Speaking of which, it was flurrying on the way home, but that's probably best left for a different entry.) However, I did mention that I was considering the possibility of increasing the length of each walk to twenty five or even thirty minutes instead of the current twenty minutes. She felt this was an excellent idea.

I also discussed my plans to try and recall as many of the ballet exercises I did in my college dance class and make a twenty minute workout of that. She thought this was another excellent idea, especially as it would add a number of stretching exercises to my physical activity. Overall, that meeting was quite positive, and she commented that I wouldn't have to come see her again as long as my therapy kept moving in a positive direction (i.e. going off medications rather than needing more). Since I've been walking so much, she also gave me a free pedometer from a bunch that she gets as gifts from one of the pharmaceutical companies. I checked it out when I got home and it's kind of neat. It's a talking pedometer, which I think is kind of cheesy, but it's still a neat idea. Tomorrow sometime, I plan on measuring the length of my average step and entering it in. Then I can start seeing roughly how many steps and miles I walk during my exercise routine. Also, Jen suggested that I see how much walking I get in from a typical day when I'm not taking my walk.

Apparently, I also have Jen to thank for my reduced medication. According to her, Dr. Lee missed the numerous glucose readings in the fifties a couple weeks ago. He had sent her a copy of my readings with his recommendation of "no change." She immediately sent them back to him with all the low values circled and a strong suggestion that he cut my glyburide. So it's thanks to Jen that I haven't been bottoming out this week. Well, other than Wednesday. But that was due to an insufficient supper, I think.

This was a highly positive visit for me. It seemed great to see the weight loss and know that I've made my goals. And it's really encouraged me to keep going. I think I've about convinced myself to keep up with keeping track of my exercise and food diary, even after I don't have to show them to anyone. And to celebrate, I ran to Vestal and ate at the Chinese buffet. It was absolutely tasty. I thought I'd had a bit too much, but I guess I didn't do too badly. When I got home and tested my blood sugar two hours after eating, I was at a 78.

I haven't been online for a couple days, so I have a handful of events to talk about in this entry. We'll start out with the fun news from Dr. Lee. He had someone in his office call my house yesterday. He's instructed me to discontinue my glyburide over the weekend on an experimental basis. I am supposed to take my blood glucose readings as normal and then send them to him Monday mornng. He'll check them and determine from that whether to make it permanent. Last night, my blood glucose was roughly 110 and this morning, it was 89. So by the looks of it, I may officially be done with one of my medications! How awesome.

I'm also down another pound or so, too. According to the scale at work, I'm somewhere between 275 and 276 pounds. Considering I started this trek at 311 last November, I think that's fantastic. My coworker, Mike W., saw me at the job fair (I'll have to write about that too). I was wearing a pair of black pants, a red dress shirt, and a burgandy sweater over top it. He said that with the wait loss, I looked absolutely incredible. I thought I looked darn good in it too, but it was nice to hear someone else say it. I was going to post a picture of it, but Mom didn't get home until an hour after I did on Thursday, and by then, I was ready to change into something different. The sweater was just a tad bit too warm in the house.

Yeah, I went to a "job fair" (and I use the term loosely) for Lockheed Martin. They were mainly holding it for their Owego facility (though they did have their Syracuse facility represented too), since they're looking to fill over 700 new positions. I'm not sure I want to work for Lockheed Martin (and after yesterday, I'm even less sure), but I figured I'd check it out. I learned exactly one thing while I was there. I was way underprepared. I might have gotten more out of it if I had spent a few days scouring their website and printing out and reading specific job listings they have posted. That way, I could have asked questions about specific jobs I was looking at. As it was, I had about four or five general questions to ask. They didn't even have project descriptions or anything there. I was expecting it to be much more informational on their part, and it was quite obvious that they were expecting to collect hundreds of resume and spend between thirty seconds and two minutes chit-chatting with each person. I tend to agree with Mom when she heard about it and commented it didn't sound like much of a "job fair" to her.

Of course, the thing that really got me was the one manager from the software engineering department I spoke to. He asked me what my GPA was. Now, I will be the first to admit that I haven't done a lot of inteviews in the last seven years. But the few interviews I did five years ago when looking for my current job, I didn't have one single person ask about my GPA. By that time, most of them were interested in the three years of in-field experience I've had since school. I would've expected that eight years later, any potential employers would be even more interested in my experience. So to even be asked about my GPA seemed weird.

And then when I told him that I got a 3.06 GPA, he commented that "made the cut, but just barely." And then he told me that I'd have a lot of competition. If I would've been thinking more clearly at the time (I was a bit shocked by this time), I probably would've told him to fuck off at that point. That probably would've been a bad idea, so it's just as well I was too shocked at the time. But it sure makes me want to go with my first instinct to find a job that isn't with Lockheed Martin.

Today, I went to see Dr. Lee. It was time for my four month follow-up appointment. I guess things could've gone a lot worse, but they could've gone better, too. In the last four months, I've gained back 16 pounds. That puts me back up to 288. Granted, that still makes a net loss of 23 pounds since November 2, so I guess I shouldn't berate myself too badly. (Besides, berating myself doesn't accomplish anything other than to sap my desire to pick up where I left off and try again.) And my glycohemoglobin was up to 7.1, compared to 5.6 in March. This doesn't surprise me, but it does upset me. However, Jenn did point out that the change probably wasn't drastic as all that. My last bloodwork had covered the period where I was having numerous drops into the danger areas, so my last results were probably a bit low, anyway. She figures a more reasonable result last time would've been somewhere around 6.5. Of course, I think she partly said that just to make me feel better. After all, one of her primary duties is to keep the patients motivated, no matter what the news.

Dr. Lee decided to put my on Byetta, which is apparently a relatively new drug (as I understand it, it's actually a hormone) they've come out with for treating diabetes. Dr. Lee didn't want to put me back on glyburide or start me on insulin, as he was concerned either of those options would have me bottoming out severely like last time. The downside to Byetta, however, is that it has to be injected (in the thigh or abdomen, no less!). So I've had to learn to give myself an injection. Actually, it wasn't too bad. Jenn showed me how to do it, and she has a pretty good method for convincing patients that it's not as hard as they think. By the time she's done, you realize that actually lancing your fingers to test your bloodsugar hurts more than sticking the needle for Byetta (or even insulin, I understand) in does. So that was a pleasant surprise. So hopefully, I'll start this and get back on track with my diet and exercise, and things will go well.

That is the number of words I have written, according to the unofficial, "lightweight" NaNoWriMo word counter. It's funny, because the Word Count utility in MS Word gives me a number that's about twenty words less. Oh well, I'm trying my best not to let the numbers get to me anyway.

Yes, I've decided to give my novel idea a try. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. I may decide to delete it all and call it a failure next week. But I've given it a start. And so far, I think it's been a pretty good start. And I'm thinking that maybe I can get a basic "skeleton" worked out and then go back to it after all this madness is over. After all, I feel I really need to research a few issues a bit more (maybe get some feedback from more experienced people). But then I'll at least have something to work with. Perhaps researching and rewriting will be easier than trying to do everything up front and then writing it all done. Only time will tell.

In other news, I went to Tinker Nature Park today. The World Wide Labyrinth Locator indicated they had a gravel and brick mideival labyrinth there, and it's about ten miles down the road from me. So I decided to check it out. It was pretty good, though I think I'd prefer to walk a labyrinth that had actual walls rather than one that's just laid out on a flat surface. I think the sense of beign physically enclosed would have added to the experience. But I guess we can't be too picky, can we.

While there, I also checked out some other parts of the park. It actually looks like a pretty neat place. I may suggest that Dad and I check it out together next Spring or Summer when he's up for an evening. I think he might enjoy the fitness trail. It seemed like a neat idea, and I'm considering doing it myself at some point. (We'll have to wait and see.) And I still need to check out the nature walk and nature trail itself. Not to mention the homestead and farm museum. It's quite a neat place. And to think, I've been living here for two months already and never realized all that was so close until today.

Over the weekend, I've decided that it's time to slowly institute some changes in my life. I'd love to say that I'm going to do them all, and that's my eventual desire, but I don't want to set up a goal I find I'm unable (or unwilling) to keep, only berate myself for the failure. So I think I'm going to make this a long term list of things I plan to accomplish over the next several months. Some of them may happen overnight, others may take a while. And some may be "hit or miss" in that I do them for a while, but then slack off. In that case, I'm giving myself permission ahead of time to accept it when it happens and just eventually start back up again.

First, I've decided I need to put some effort into decorating my house. I've already started by putting out my singing bowl and getting a bear figurine for the end table in the living room. And I have a plaque to hang by the door that says "Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much." I'll also have to figure out where I want to hang my picture of Icarus, and work on getting other items.

You see, I'm terrible at house-keeping. The living room is a complete mess, the kitchen table is all cluttered up (though it's a lot better now that I spent twenty minutes going through a lot of the clutter, tossing junk, and finding homes for some of the important stuff), and the carpet is in desparate need of vacuuming. I think the reason for this is that I don't think of this house as a home yet, so I don't treat it like my home. (I'd never be this messy in someone else's home, so why would I treat my own home like this?) So I think I need to invest a little time and effort into making the place look and feel like a home, my home. Hopefully, once I put the effort into it, I'll take more pride in it, and keep it a bit tidier.

The next thing I want to do is to spend more time out of the house on a regular basis. I've slowly been withdrawing into solitude, and that's not good. Last month, I realized that working on the POC was consuming too much of my time, so I backed off so I could have a life. Well, now it's time to have more of a life. I've spent all of last week and some of today out and about and it's done wonders for my state of mind, I think.

This is going to be hard for me to keep up with, though. It's going to be a mental juggling act for a while. After all, I'll still be going out on my own. And that means that there'll come a point were I'll start to wonder why I'm bothering. After all, what difference does it make whether I go out or stay in if I'm still on my own either way? But the going out is good. And it leaves open at least the possibility of interraction.

As an aside, I have noticed I've been a bit more social when in public recently. For example, while I was at Eastview Mall yesterday, I found myself walking behind this family. The little girl, about four or five I think, was pestering her mother, saying she wanted something. The mother turned to the little girl and said blatantly, "And I want a million dollars. Are you going to give it to me?" The little girl ran ahead (to bug her father I think) and I walked up next to the woman, smiled, and said, "I really loved your response," and we both laughed at that. I don't think I've ever done anything like that. Between that and making more eye contact (like turning around and saying "thank you" or "you too" to a store clerk when they wish me a good day as I'm leaving rather than just mumbling it as I continue out the door), I think I'm starting to make progress in being more socially engaging. Hopefully, this is a good sign that continues to develop into a lasting change.

I'm also working on getting more physical activity in throughout the week. My original goal (as of two weeks ago) was to go to the fitness center they just added to my apartment complex three times a week. I didn't meet that goal last week and probably won't this week. But considering the amount of time I was on the my feet at the zoo, in the malls, walking around downtown State College, walking along the Susquehanna River, and checking out Highland Park, I just don't feel it's been necessary. I've had plenty of physical activity.

One thing that's conspicuously absent from my list of goals is losing weight. Sure, that's something I want to do at some point. But I feel it needs to wait. I need to learn to like myself how I am now, I think. I need to allow myself to feel and be attractive at my current size. Once I do that, I think I'll have an easier time at setting, meeting, and maintaining weight loss goals. I think I'm currently sabotaging any such attempts with the belief that I'm not and can't be attractive. And by association, I think that means I subconsciously can't be thinner, because that would mean I'd also be good looking, which just can't happen. So I need to work on the mental block where I am now before I can effectively seek to change that part of myself. (Gee, I hope that makes sense to someone else.)

The next six months should be interesting.

The last couple of weeks have been more or less uneventful. Well, as long as you disregard the funeral I attended for a cousin. His battle with Parkinson's finally took a turn for the worse. It was a pretty good service and well attended. I particularly appreciated the number of firemen who came to the event. Not that this is entirely surprising. The fire department was a big part of Tim's life. Even after he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, he spent as much time as he could at the fire house, doing whatever jobs he could manage. The head of the department commented at the funeral that he was going to have to find four new volunteers to replace Tim.

My sister and her kids are in the area. She decided to make the drive up from Mississippi for the funeral. Her husband told her she had to stay for at least a week, though. So she's here until Monday. I plan on running down to my parents' house tomorrow and spending the day with her and the kids. It should be fun.

I think the lack of employment is starting to get to me on some level. So next week, I'll have to start getting more serious about the search for a job. I had really hoped one of the opportunities Rick and Kevin had found would pan out, but that doesn't appear to be the case. So it's time for me to get off my duff and take matters into my own hands again. The only down side to that is that I probably won't find something temporary. I really wanted that because I wanted to eventually go back to the company that moved me into this area.

I've started walking again. I haven't decided if I'm doing it to "lose weight' (probably not), exercise (again, not necessarily), or just for the fun of it (I'm leaning towards this answer). It's gotten me out of the house a bit more and that's been well worth it. I'm rediscovering that I really do like doing things like that.

I've also gone on a couple outtings with Becky, which is always nice. A couple Thursdays ago, we went to a local coffee shop. I had a delicious drink consisting of hot apple cider, caramel, and whipped cream. Then we just sat and talked. It was pleasant. And I got to check out a couple cute guys, which is always a plus.

I spent most of yesterday with Becky. We had a pretty good time. The day started with me going to the one office she works out of for a massage. I didn't have anything in particular I wanted her to work on, so she basically did a full body massage. In practice, though, she spent most of the time on my legs.

She yelled at me during this part of the massage. I was having trouble relaxing my legs. Particularly, when she would go to move my legs, I'd move them for her. Apparently, that makes certain part of the massage process difficult to do effectively. I don't know why it was such an issue for me. Probably because I have control issues, anyway.

Once the massage was over, I got dressed and we ran some errands together. Becky had to go to the printer to get flyers printed and get new business cards created. I ended up helping her with figuring out some of the details of her business cards -- such as what color paper to use and the font to use for her name. Once we were done there, we swung by my bank so I could deposit a cashier's check. You see, over Thanksgiving break, I decided to close out my savings account at the bank near my parents' home. Because of the amount, I had them give me a cashiers check rather than giving me the balance in cash. So now that's in my checkign account up here. Which is good, because I needed money to pay rent and a couple bills.

Once the errands were done, we decided to go catch a movie. After looking over our options, we finally decided to see "Deja Vu." Personally, I thought it was a pretty good movie, though I found some annoying inconsistencies in the underlying concept. (Warning: Stop here if you don't want any spoilers.) The big problem is they never made up their mind whether they wanted past events to be unchangeable with a single, permanent timeline or whether they would allow changes to the past to spawn alternate timelines. As a result, they ended up alternating between the two scenarios based on what was convenient for the plot. The end result was that they created a alternate timeline in the end, but allowed things that should have been only in the alternate timeline (such as finding the ATF agent's fingerprints in the victim's home) appearing in teh original timeline anyway. So it got messy. But other than that, it was a good movie. And Denzel Washinton was as great as ever when it came to playing his part.

After the movie, Becky and I went to check out Red Robin, which just opened here in the past couple of weeks. It was a pretty nice experience, though it's quite obvious that they're not kidding about their reputation of being a "Burger and Spirits" establishment. They're just about the only things on the menu. But the BBQ burger I had was excellent and the desert was practically orgasmic, though entirely too big. Fortunately, Becky was there to help me eat it all. And of course, there were plenty of cute guys to check out.

All in all, I felt it was a delightful day.

Today was a great day. I managed to get out of the house around quarter of noon and headed up to the POC to hang out with Belinda during the healing clinic. Nobody showed up today, so we just ended up sitting around and talking. I took my laptop so that Belinda could read the local copy of Journey. She absolutely loved it, though she was frustrated that I hadn't written more. She got to the last page in the series and just sat there going, "That's it?" She also found a couple of typos I made, which I fixed and just uploaded.

When we finally decided to leave the POC, we decided to go to a late lunch at Red Lobster. She had the Shrimp Linguini Alfredo. Not being a seafood fan (but I love the garlic biscuits they serve at Red Lobster), I decided to go with the Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo. We both loved our meals, and there were a lot of cute waiters to check out. (We each commented on which ones we liked.)

After lunch, I brought my leftovers back to the house, then decided to go someplace for a walk. I was only a little after five and the day was absolutely beautiful. I decided to drive over to Shoen Place and park so that I could walk the trail along the canal. It was the first time I've walked the trail, and it was absolutely gorgeous. It's surprising how peaceful the area can be. You don't realize it driving along Route 96 in the same area.

After my walk, I ran to Target. I decided that with the weather warming up, I needed some more polo shirts. I only have three, and I can't wear tee shirts on the customer site like I do at my own office. While I was there, I also picked up a new belt. I've either lost weight or it's shifted, because my old belt wasn't doing a good job at holding up my pants anymore.

I also decided to get another package of underwear, as I'm running out of those, too. I had trouble picking out a package. I usually prefer to get a package that just has black and grey underwear in it, but all the packages today had other colors. I finally decided on the package that also had a blue pair and a red pair. I have to admit that I picked that package because something about the idea of wearing red undies amused me.

Overall, it was a pleasant and beautiful day. I'm thinking about topping it off with a movie this evening.

For the past couple of days, I've been debating with myself about what I wanted to do tonight. A COAP member was hosting a dart night over at Nasty D's pub. And while I don't play darts (the thought of me throwing sharp, pointy projectiles is too frightening for words), I seriously considered going anyway just to hang out and chat with those playing. After all, it would be another opportunity to meet people and hang out with others.

But at the same time, I found myself wondering if it might be better for me to stay home. After all, I've been busy every other evening this weekd. And even tomorrow evening, I'm booked with the Vickey Shaw comedy show. On top of that, my body is giving me clear signals that I need to slow down a bit and get more rest. So I found my desire to make good of yet another fantastic opportunity to change my isolation battling agaisnt my growing realization that even though I need to spend regular time in the company of others, I also need some time to recuperate. Trying to decide which argument was going to win out was not easy.

Fortunately for me, circumstances have changed in such a way that it makes the decision moot. Last night, when I checked my email, I discovered that dart night has been postponed until next week. So this frees me to go home, put in a movie, and just generally chill without worrying about missed opportunities.

Of course, I suspect I'll face the same choice next week. However, with any luck, I will be more rested and can schedule down-time for a different evening.

Originally, I had planned on spending a couple hours at Seneca Park Zoo today. It's been quite a few months since my last visit, so it seemed like a good idea. However, when I got there and saw how full the parking lot was, I realized that the place was going to be packed. As such, I came up with a quick plan B and headed for Genesee Valley Park instead.

I haven't been to Genesee Valley Park since I went there for the Pride Picnic last July. I was a bit worried that I'd have trouble finding it again, but everything came back to me as I drove down Elmwood Avenue. In fact, I found the turn I should've taken to park next to the area the picnic was in last year. So I spent a good amount of time just wandering around the paths.

For those not familiar with the Rochester area, the park straddles a section of the Erie Canal, cutting it neatly in half. The picture to the left is of the foot bridge that connects the two halves of the park. I wandered along the paths along the east side of the canal. As I crossed another foot bridge, I noticed a group of people kayaking along the canal. I grabbed a quick shot of a couple of them.

One of the things that truly surprised me in my wandering is just how small of a space this city is packed into. After I crossed the bridge where I saw the kayakers, I soon found myself passing under a highway. I was quite surprised to discover that this was not only I-390, but it was near the south bound exit to get onto West Henrietta Road by way of the East River Road. considering I had taken that exit to get onto West Henrietta Road and then drove a mile to get to Elmwood Avenue and eventually to my parking spot in the park, I was surprised to find myself able to get back to this spot with just a few minutes of walking along a path.

As I continued my walk, I quickly found another path under the highway. Here, I found a nice little resting area snuggled under the highway. I could just image sitting there with a walking partner (especially one I was also romantically involved with) and taking a brief rest while we shared a quiet conversation. The idyllic nature of the scene comes to my mind quite easily.

My wanderings eventually took me beyond the bounds of the park. The Canal Path seems to go on endlessly. In fact, I find myself wondering if it isn't all part of the path I followed when I walked along the canal in Pittsford. It wouldn't surprise me.

I followed the canal path for a while, but eventually turned back. However, instead of taking the direct route back into the park, I decided to follow a side path which took me up through part of the University of Rochester and by Strong Memorial Hospital. This eventually dropped me back into the path via the road I originally drove in on. It made for a nice circuit.

One thing I noticed in the walk was the number of cyclists who were sharing the route with me. I was quite impressed by their courtesy. I noticed that more than one rang a small bell (presumably installed for just this purpose) to let me know that they were coming up on me. This would give me the chance to get over to one side, for which they would thank me as they passed.

In the park itself, I passed a number of people who were just relaxing, sunning themselves, or playing frisbee. I even passed a small cluster of college guys who were playing softball (though I get the impression they were doing so with a tennis ball, which struck me as somewhat odd). A number of them were playing shirtless due to the heat of the day, and naturally I had to ogle them. I even managed to snap a picture of the one.

To be honest, this is one of those experiences that remind me just how much I like to go for walks. I think this will become a regular part of my weekend activities. Though I do hope I can find a friend to share the experience with.

Yesterday evening was rather pleasant. After getting out of work, I ended up running over to Psychic's Thyme. Michele was on duty and I had hoped to spend a bit of time chatting with her. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, as she was busy actually doing readings. We were both disappointed, but glad she was getting the work, as it meant a little extra money for her.

Because both she and Lisa were pretty busy with readings, I ended up minding the store with George. This was good, as George actually had to leave at about twenty minutes before closing due to another commitment. So I spent my time keeping an eye on things and even spent a bit of time talking to one of the of the customers who was interested in getting a reading. I answered her questions about what readers worked the next few days and what services each one offered. She seemed like a pretty nice girl, and I get the impression she'll be in on Saturday.

Michele had something of a family situation brewing, so she had to leave a few minutes early. So I stuck around a bit extra and helped make sure Lisa was okay before taking off myself. Once out of there, I decided to run to Applebee's for dinner. While there, I read several pages in Witch in the Bedroom, a book I picked up about a month ago. So far, I've really enjoyed it. I plan on doing one of the exercises out of it this weekend. It's the exercise about writing a vision letter, and I have all kinds of ideas for one running through my head. It should be an interesting experience, I think.

After I got done with dinner and reading, I decided to run to the mall for a short walk. I had originally planned on going back to Genesee Valley Park for a walk, but the threat of rain intimidated me. So I spent about a half hour wandering the halls and through various stores. It was enjoyable, and I even got treated to some pretty good eye candy. It wasn't quite as pleasant as being out along the canal or watching shirtless college students playing softball, but I enjoyed myself well enough.

Tonight, I held the first weekly meditation at Genesee Valley Park. After doing it, I realized that we should've moved these meditations outside last summer, too. It added a certain pleasantness to the whole experience. It certainly helped that I added the actual sensations of the outdoors to the imagery I was using.

And of course, the fresh air was good for me. I've been getting a lot of that with all of these trips to the park. I've made it one of my goals to get there at least twice a week, and spend at least an hour and a half each week walking there. I figure that this will not only give me a chance to rejuvenate my body with clean air, but it'll also get my blood pumping and release a few endorphins in the process.

After meditation, I went to dinner at Red Robin. When I got out of the restaurant, it was almost dark out, with just a few minutes left of dusk. Part of me didn't want to come home. Part of me wanted to find someplace to go and enjoy more of the great outdoors. If I knew of someplace I could go where I would've felt completely safe, I would've done exactly that, too.

When I came out of the restaurant and had these moods, I found myself thinking about the many nights that I and various friends would walk down to the Susquehanna River and spend some time walking along the riverbank. We'd spend a great deal of time talking and just enjoying the experience. The memory made me realize just how much I miss that sort of thing.

There's something about walking with a good friend or two after dark, speaking in semi-soft tones as you stroll along. It's a setting that allows you to share deep, intimate thoughts and even be a bit more vulnerable. In fact, it doesn't just allow it, it practically encourages it. And I could see myself doing that here along the canal if only someone like James or Tim was here.

Who knows, perhaps I will eventually find someone here I can share that kind of experience with.

Last Wednesday, Brian and I got talking after Game Night was done. Brian was waiting for Woody to get done looking at JOhn's laptop, and I was just in no hurry to go back home. It's the first chance I've really had an opportunity to talk to Brian much, as he only comes to Game Night rarely. (His job usually keeps him away.) In fact, besides a brief hello at the Vickie Shaw show, this was the first time I've seen him since the first Game Night I attended in March.

While we were talking, he paid me a huge compliment. The topic of ages came up, and I found out that Brian and Woody are actually only two years older than me. When I commented on this, Brian mentioned that he had originally assumed I was about twenty eight. I told him thank you and probably grinned from ear to ear. Believe me, considering I turn thirty three next Monday, it's nice to find out some people look at me and still think I'm in my twenties. What can I say? I'm just superficial enough to wish I could look young forever.

I'm starting to think about what I want to do this weekend for my birthday. It's rather funny, considering that during the 1990's and even up until 2004, I didn't really care much about my birthdays. I was just content to practically forget them. And yet now, I want to celebrate them and do something special for them. I suppose a lot of that has to do with the fact that my opinion of myself and my life has changed. These are things that, in my mind at least, not only deserve to be celebrated, but even demand it. And fortunately, I have friends who seem more than happy to humor me in this matter.

I'm considering taking the long walk I've been thinking about for the past month. I want to walk the canal trail from Genesee Valley Park to Schoen Place. I just need to find a friend who is willing to pick me up at the end and bring me back to my car at my point of origin. (That or else have them drop me off as well as pick me up.) It'd be quite a few miles and a good morning/afternoon activity.

That evening, I'll probably go out to eat with friends. I'm thinking about pushing to go to Red Robin. Yeah, there are places with much fancier meals. But to be frank, I'd be choosing that place for the aesthetically pleasing waitstaff. Hey, I know where my priorities are!

I'm also thinking about pestering a couple of friends to go out dancing that night. It's been close to a year since the last time I've been dancing, and I feel way overdue for it. And of course, I'm also thinking about getting a hotel room for the weekend. Who knows, maybe I can find a hotel that has a room with a jacuzzi available....

Yesterday came and went, and I'm proud to announce that at least half of the activities I had planned took place. A couple got dropped for various reasons, but I'm willing to consider my birthday celebration a stunning success. Blistered feet and all.

Granted, I could've done without the blisters, but it's my own fault. And I figure they'll heal eventually. They're from my successful trek along the canal path from Genesee Valley Park to Schoen Place. The walk took me right about two and a half hours along and was well worth the trip.

I got up at seven yesterday morning, showered, grabbed my water bottles out of the freezer, and left the house for the day. By the time I bought a backpack (necessary for the water and snacks I was taking on the trip), had a quick breakfast on the go, and make it to the park, it was just after nine. And I was off and walking.

The weather was absolutely perfect for this walk, as it was still in the sixties when I started and ony got up to the seventies or eighties by the time I was done at half past eleven. The view was absolutely gorgeous along the way. Sometimes I was walking through areas with dense vegetation, while the trail took me through broad fields in other places. The canal was visible 90% of the time, and I even managed to see a couple boats making their way through the water. I think the best sight, however, was near the end when I managed to spot a mother mallard with several tiny ducklings. I think any of her children would have fit easily in the palms of my hand. I might've even been able to close my fingers around their tiny bodies. I wish I would've taken my camera, and plan on taking it when I repeat the walk in July.

I've already decided to take this trek once every month while the weather stays warm enough for me. However, I do need to be sure to plan a bit better in the future. For example, I need to get a good pair of walking shoes or hiking boots. Of course, I didn't realize that my current walking shoes (the ones I wear every day) had some major holes in the insoles. That didn't help the blisters that formed on my feet at all. So I will be getting new shoes, and probably a pair just for this trip. (Michele is also recommending I get the gel inserts for this walk, and I'm inclined to see wisdom in that suggestion, too.)

The other mistake I made was not getting sunscreen. My face, forehead, and forearms are nice and red. In fact, my forehead is still itching a bit from the burn. Fortunately, the backpack protected the back of my neck. I figure I may even have to consider a hat next time, as I think parts of my scalp under my hair got a bit burned too.

But despite these lessons learned, I enjoyed the trek. It was great to be in the great outdoors. And besides the sunburn and sore feet (and the fact I've been napping half the day today), I don't feel any worse for the wear.

After that, I called Belinda to come get me. She didn't realize how far out Schoen Place is from Psychic's Thyme up on University Avenue, so she eventually was afraid she got lost and went back to the shop to get Michele. They eventually found me, though I note with some humor that my wait for my ride was over half as long as the seven mile hike I took. Of course, since Michele was working, I had her take me directly to the shop rather than having her take me to the car. Char immediately started harassing me for taking such a walk, pointing out I should've only gone half the distance and then walked back to my car. I pointed out to her that the whole point of the walk -- and what makes it fun -- is that you're walking from a certain point to another point. I'm not sure she appreciated the concept, but that's okay.

After the store closed, a group of us went to Red Robin. Michele and Belinda were nice enough to cover my dinner, even with the strawberry dacquiri I ordered. We had a good time and I spent my usual time ogling the various waiters that passed by. Unfortunately, our own server was a woman. That's actually pretty good, considering I was feeling impish enough that I might've teasingly hit on any guy unlucky enough to get our table. I was bad enough that Jim even called me a slut. I just looked at him and asked him if it had really taken him that long to figure it out. (Of course, any of my friends know better, when it comes right down to it.)

After that, we ran to Equal Grounds to listen to the live music there. This guy was a good musician, but he doesn't have quite the stage presence of the Monastery Dropouts. As such, we stayed in the other room where we could enjoy the music but still talk amongst ourselves without disturbing anyone else.

After an hour or so a the coffee shop, I decided I needed to get home. My feet were really starting to bother me and I was developing a headache. (Earlier today, I finally decided the headache was due to a lack of calcium. The quart of peanut butter cup ice cream seems to have solved the problem.) So we took Jim back out to Chili and Michele and Belinda dropped me off at my house so I could get to bed.

As a final note, I discovered at the end of my journey that they were having a regata in Pittsford yesterday. Had I realized that, I would've taken a chair with me and spent the day there after my walk. I love that sort of thing. And there were certain enough shirtless guys wandering around to keep me in eye candy.

Char decided to have a sidewalk sale¹ outside of Psychic's Thyme today. I ended up spending the first half of my time there sitting outside and helping keep an eye on the merchandise. I would've helped with customers, but all but two or three of them ended up paying inside the store because they wanted to see what was for sale there, too. It was a fun time, however. And I got lots of sun and fresh air.

I also realized something about myself. I like being outdoors. I like the idea of getting a tan. This is totally bizarre, because it's something I completely disliked while growing up. My sister would often go outdoors in the afternoon during summer vacation and spend a couple of hours lying in the old lounge chair my parents owned. I thought she was nuts and found the idea of just lying out in the sun insane.

Of course, it was probably the act of lying around that struck me as inside as the fact that such immobility was being enacted out doors. I was a rather hyper kid, even through my teenage years. Unless I was reading (and even that required frequent breaks unless it was a book I absolutely loved) or on the computer, I had to be on the move. No grass could grow under my feet and no moss would ever get the chance to grow on me.

Yet, as I get older I'm finding myself more inclined to be less active. This is especially true if I'm doing it someplace where I get sunlight and fresh air. So I suspect I'll be looking at my weekly schedule to figure out when and where I can pencil in some more outdoor tanning time. And I figure it'll be napping time, too. But that's okay.

¹ No actual sidewalks were sold at this sale. Isn't that strange? I mean, you sell books at a book sale, right?

Last night, I ate with the Cheap Dinner Group again. To be honest, I think I've gone every week for about a month now. I think it'll be difficult to drop down to only attending every other Monday night once my father starts staying at my place on Monday nights regul