The Musings of a Confused Man

Today is one of those peaceful, quiet days. I have absolutely no plans. I was originally going to see Susan, but she had to cancel her trip up this way. And while I'm sad that I don't get to see her this weekend, I'm also glad to have the weekend to myself. I need the break. I think I needed the downtime to get some really good relaxation in.

I think I'm going to spend a good portion of the weekend reading. I really need to get started on The Triumph of the Moon. The online discussion group is already on chapter 11, and I haven't even finished chapter 1 yet. I've been so bad about my reading. I'm hoping to manage to get through at least a few chapters this weekend. It'll help if I can keep my commitment to keep the television off most of the time. I watched television from noon until 2pm today, and I'm going to try to keep it off the rest of the day. I'm thinking aobut doing the same thing tomorrow.

I also started a new book last night before bed. It's one that I ordered through Amazon.com last week. It's called Journal to the Self. Yes, I'm reading yet another journal book. What can I say? I'm a sucker for that sort of thing. I guess I'm mostly just looking for more ideas. I'm looking to improve my journal writing.

I guess in a lot of ways, I'm just trying to improve what I get out of my journals. In a lot of ways, I feel like my journal writing has suffered lately. Hell, a lot of things in my life have suffered lately. And I don't know entirely why. And something tells me that it's time to look within.

I mean, sure, I've blamed it on finding out that Precious has FeLV at one point. I could go on about what work's been like recently. I could even complain that I haven't seen Mike lately. But these all feel like excuses to me. They really have nothing to do with it. It has to do with me.

I feel like I'm stagnating. I feel like I'm not doing anything. And I'm not entirely sure why. Is it just a lack of motivation? Where has my motivation gone, anyway? Or is it a matter of a lack of self-discipline. I know I have self-discipline problems, and I'm trying to figure out how to resolve them. But the difficulty there seems to be that improving self-discipline almost requires self-discipline itself. So what's a guy to do?

And of course, then there's the fact that I just skimmed over my last paragraph and I'm having trouble resisting the urge to delete it. I read it, and my first reaction is to chide myself for whining and complaining. But maybe that's what I need right now. Maybe I just need to get a few of these things off my chest. Then maybe, just maybe, I can start looking at myself and my life and get things moving in the right direction again. That's what I'm hoping for.

It's been a pretty good day, really. I didn't do a whole lot. I was lazy and laid about. I played a lot of video games. I'm currently getting hooked on Phantasy Star Online for the Game Cube. I know, I bought both the console and that game to do embedded Linux development and "home geek time." But I figured, hey, why not get some good old fashioned game playing in at the same time. I just have to remind myself not to get addicted or something.

Of course, I never stay addicted to games long at all. I usually go nuts over them for about a week or two, and then I lose interest. It's been over a decade since I played a game so religiously that I completely beat it. In fact, I think the last game I won straight through was the original Legend of Zelda. I wonder if I still have that game somewhere. I don't even know where my NES console is.

But these days, things just don't seem to hold my attention like that. I sometimes worry about that. Because it's not just about games. I tend to be...easily distracted...about a lot of things. I sometimes wonder how well I can honestly commit to something. And that has me worried.

Though, to be honest, I do know that I can commit to things. After all, I've been committed to Mike. I mean, I've been with him for three years now, when some of my friends can't understand why we're taking things as slowly as we are. I have one friend who can't understand how I can stick with someone who won't even tell his family about me. That kind of commitment has to count for something, right?

Of course, that's something that bugs me about some of my friends. A few of them seem to have a preconceived notion about what my relationship would be like. And they tend to make it well known at times. That gets very frustrating. No one likes to feel like they have to "defend" their relationships. It's something I understand about Christy very well. She occasionally complains about how people criticize her relationship with Noah, and I don't blame her. I feel the same way at times.

This is a "List of 100." It's an idea I've borrowed from a new journal book I'm reading. Yes, some of the items on the lists are repeats. That's perfectly acceptable. The point of the exercise is to write things as they come to you. Writing repeats helps you to keep moving.

100 Things I like about myself
1. I'm funny.
2. I'm sensitive.
3. I like to express my feelings.
4. I can laugh at myself.
5. I love computers.
6. I'm willing to help others.
7. I'm a good listener.
8. I'm a sensualist.
9. I give good head.
10. I like to read.
11. I can figure out just about anything.
12. I can be quite committed when something matters to me.
13. I'm willing to consider the possibility that I'm wrong.
14. I like to play games.
15. I can usually understand other people's perspectives.
16. I can still hold my own opinion despite what other people think.
17. I can usually get myself under control.
18. I'm more interesting in making my lover happy.
19. I'm very submissive.
20. I can trust people.
21. I can get along with most people.
22. I can keep my opinions to myself when I need to.
23. I have a decent idea of who I am.
24. I'm gay.
25. I can be very understanding.
26. I can be an intellectual.
27. I know how to listen.
28. I can make other people laugh, even when they're down.
29. I have a killer smile.
30. I have a soothing voice.
31. I can sing well when I put my mind to it.
32. I know how to play.
33. I know what I want.
34. I'm learning how to stick up for myself.
35. I love stupid television shows.
36. I love stupid movies.
37. I'm a hopeless romantic at times.
38. I can be pragmatic.
39. I can make other people happy.
40. I can write.
41. I can sing.
42. I don't stay angry for long.
43. I don't generally hold grudges.
44. I can love with my whole heart.
45. I know how to let go.
46. I know how to make myself vulnerable.
47. I don't let my fears control me.
48. I love animals.
49. I can get along with most animals.
50. I have a soft touch.
51. I know how to listen.
52. I usually give good advice.
53. I know enough not to give advice in some situations.
54. I can usually empathize with others.
55. I love animals.
56. I give good head.
57. I can drive far if something matters to me.
58. I can see others' perspectives.
59. I know a bit about musical theory.
60. I can do things for others.
61. I'm very generous.
62. I can dance.
63. I took ballet in college for two semesters.
64. I don't always take myself seriously.
65. I'm cute in my own way.
66. I'm very cuddly.
67. I'm physically affectionate.
68. I like talking to people.
69. I can spend time by myself.
70. I know how to relax.
71. I can usually put my life in perspective.
72. My moodiness never lasts long.
73. I like giving others gifts.
74. I can usually see things clearly.
75. I can usually get past my emotional reactions to things.
76. I like children.
77. I am very protective of my "family."
78. I'm usually very respectful.
79. I can usually smile at a moment's notice and make it look natural.
80. I'm learning to be comfortable with my own self.
81. I'm willing to try new things.
82. I want to play.
83. I prefer cuddling to sex.
84. I like to dance.
85. I can be creative.
86. I can be very symbolic.
87. I can make a serious commitment.
88. Other people are important to me.
89. I'm a man.
90. I can dance.
91. My computer is a big part of my life.
92. I can be very friendly.
93. People like me.
94. I'm adorable.
95. I can be funny when I'm ranting.
96. I like acting like a kid.
97. My life is pretty much how I want it.
98. I know I'm in control for the most part.
99. I don't like superficiality.
100. My love life is wonderful.

Dear Z,

Well, hello there. I doubt you never expected me to write you another letter, did you? I mean, it's been over four years since we've had any contact at all. I'm not sure you even think of me. I don't know how I feel that. For the most part, I'm fine with it. You're out of my life, I've moved on, and I'm happy to keep it that way. That's while you'll never actually "receive" this letter. But that's okay. I'm not writing it for you. I'm writing it for me. So you'll forgive me if I picture you on the other end reading this. I know it'll never happen, but just picturing it makes me feel content.

I'm not sure what kind of letter this is going to be. I'm not entirely sure why I'm even writing it. I just know that even after all of this time, I still think of you every now and then. I even wrote a couple of diary entries about you last Fall. So I figured I'd write you a letter. I don't know. Maybe this is my goodbye letter. Maybe some part of me hopes that once I write this, I can quit thinking about you from time to time. Though another part of me doubts that's going to happen.

At any rate, I just wanted to share my thoughts and memories of "our" past with you. Even if I continue to think of you -- and it's not a totally terrible thing to think of you -- at least I'll have gotten a chance to express those thoughts. And I guess that's all I really feel that I need right now. So anyway, here we go.

We broke up five and a half years ago. No, let's rephrase that. You dumped me five and a half years ago. I'm not exactly bitter about that, you know. As I say it, I'm not even really angry about it. I just want to state how things went down clearly. Maybe it's petty of me. I don't know. It doesn't matter. But like I said, I'm not angry. In retrospect, I now realize that it was bound to happen.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I was angry with you once upon a time. But you know that, don't you? I chewed you out in an email a year after the fact. What can I say? I'm human, and I get angry. I will neither excuse it nor rationalize it. Just don't expect me to apologize for it, either.

Of course, in fairness, I don't blame you for everything bad in that mess I thought of as a relationship. (I'm still not sure whether you ever actually considered it one.) I made my share of mistakes. I was less than a model boyfriend. And for that, I'm sorry. But I've grown since then.

I suppose most people would say the regretted the relationship and the breakup, considering how messy it was. But I'm not most people. I can only look back, nod, and say what a fool I was. But I also have to look at the path leading on from there and realize that my foolishness earned me wisdom. One of the people on a mailing list I frequent often comments that experience is the thing that you get after you needed it. I've always liked that saying since the first time I heard her utter it. I think that's partly because that's how I see the nightmare I went through with you.

I learned a lot about myself and relationships from dealing with the emotional rollercoaster dating you put me through. Or perhaps I should say that I discovered the kinds of things that I needed to unlearn because of it. Either way, it works. And it makes a lot of sense.

I'm dating a wonderful guy now. His name is Mike. We've been together for three years now. I've enjoyed every minute of it, though the relationship hasn't always been easy. Like I said, I've had to unlearn a lot of things. I still have things I need to unlearn, but I'm doing better now. Unlearning is rough business. Especially because things go to hell until you do.

There were little things about Mike that would give me flashbacks to my experience with you. Like the way he's so tightlipped with his feelings. He doesn't wear his heart on his shirt sleeve like I do. So there have been times when I would see him not expressing how he felt, and it would terrify me. I'd become frightened that, like you, he would suddenly decide he doesn't have feelings for me after all. And let's face it, you did that more than once, despite the obvious truth to the contrary.

But I'm slowly learning something. There's a huge difference between you and Mike. Mike simply feels uncomfortable expressing his feelings at any great depth. But he acknowledges that he has them. You'd never do that. Hell, half the time, you weren't willing to admit your feelings to yourself. In a way, I kind of pity you for that. But understanding that has enabled me to start seeing Mike in a different way. I now can rest comfortable on the knowledge that he does have those feelings, regardless of whether he expresses them. Sure, I might have a moment's insecurity. But I can let it wash over me, and then take a serious look at our relationship. And there comes a point when I can acknowledge that while my insecurity -- while very real on an emotional level -- is not rational. And I can live with the occasional irrational fear, I think. Especially considering that addressing them in this way seems to make them quite short-lived.

At one point, I think I was mad at you about all this. Or at least I think I thought that I was mad at you about all this. I was mad that I had to unlearn things. I was made that I found myself comparing Mike to you and getting all emotional on him. But in reality, I think was more mad at myself. I was frustrated.

You see, I'm not even sure how much of this was "you" at all. Oh sure, everything I've said about you is true. YOu did deny your feelings. You did vascillate on how you saw our relationship. You did put me through an emotional game. But in the end, I played that game. I stuck in there. And to be honest, you only played off of things going on in my own heart. I can't help but wonder, if it hadn't been you, would it have been someone else? I think it probably would've been.

Like I said, I've grown stronger. I've grown older. I've grown wiser. And I've been able to rebuild myself into a better person. And in a sense, this all came from my experiences with you. But don't pat yourself on the back too much. As I said, I think that if I hadn't gotten messed up with you, I would've experienced much the same with someone else. So I'm taking 95% of the credit for this myself. I'll leave you 5%, just as a token of my love for you.

Yeah, that's the strangest part. I still love you. I probably love you more now than I did back when we were together. But it's a very different kind of love. For starters, it's not the kind of love that I'd ever build a relationship on. I don't see you that way at all. Besides, like I said, I've been with a man I dearly love in that way for three years.

Instead, it's the kind of love that one has for past memories. It's the kind of love that one has for people and experiences that have touched them somehow. Let's face it, you were a part of my life. In a way, you still are a part of my life. I think you always will be. I'm not sure I'd want you to be an active part of my life, even as a friend. I'm just not sure how I feel about that. But my time with you has shaped what I am now, and that is something I will cherish and honor. After all, it's a matter of cherishing and honoring myself. And I deserve that. I owe that to myself.

So there you go. Take care of yourself. And I hope that your own experiences have led you out of your own nightmare.

Love,
-- Jarred.

It's a bit crazy here tonight. The kids are really carrying on. Their mother is currently working on rounding them up and sending them to bed. As I sit here listening to their insanity, I find myself wondering how long it's going to take them to calm down and actually fall asleep. I half suspect that we're going to end up wishing that we had some tranquilizers or something. Ah well, hopefully I'll get a few quiet hours before I head for bed. Besides, I got plenty of quiet time earlier today. So I can't complain.

When my sister was getting ready to go to her in-laws, I decided to take a quick nap. I figured that I needed it after staying up until after 1am. I was planning a nice short nap, but I ended up dozing for a full two hours. Oops! But I think I needed it, so it was all good.

Once I got done napping, I decided to read Witchcraft Today. I had three chapters left to read and I decided to finish it tonight. That way, it's all fresh for the book discussion. I do need to reread chapter two though. I plan on rereading each chapter as we start to discuss it, and Brian just called for the start of the chapter two discussion.

I've enjoyed reading the book this time around. Last time I read it (I think that was back in this past winter), I didn't get as much out of it. I guess I'm just in a better mental space to be able to appreciate what I'm reading this time. (I remember reading many of the quotes from the "What Gardner Said" site I love and being surprised at what I didn't remember, so I was glad to reread it anyway.) One of the things that I'm really noticing this time around is the number of times he repeats certain things. He tells about certain beliefs or about certain practices multiple times. In fact, there were a few times that I had to make sure I didn't accidentally "jump back" in the book because it sounded so familiar. Though each time he repeated something, I usually noticed he phrased it a bit differently or seemed to almost look at "another angle." (Not exactly, but I don't know how to express it better.) I'm thinking that these repetitions and the subtle differences in the presentation might be good to look into. I'm thinking at some point, I might reread with an eye to writing down the repeated material, copying what is said each time to look at it all side by side at some point. I'm not sure if it'll prove worthwhile, but I think there's only one way to find out.

I got a pleasant surprise from Mike. First of all, I got a text message from him. Not that this is a surprise, mind you. He sends me a text message at least two times a week, any more. He finds it more convenient than email. I can't imagine how, though. It takes way too much work to enter in any message of any length. But he manages to do it somehow. But like I said, that's not the surprising part of the email. The surprising part was part of the content.

He asked me what I was doing 2 October. He suggested that it would be a good day to get together if I was available. The only thing I was worried about is that my sister is planning a small birthday party for her oldest child and our father that weekend. So naturally, I had to make a frantic call home to find out when the party was. My luck turned out good, because she's planning the party for Friday night. So I'm free on Saturday. I was glad to hear this, because if she planned the party on Saturday. I was going to have a quandary. Gosh darn it, it's not every day that Mike messages me out of the blue and asks if I can get together with him on a certain day. And saying no on one of the few occasions he did would've just about killed me.

That's what really surprised me. It's been almost a month since I've asked him when we're going to be able to get together. Usually, I feel like I have to hound him and pester him to get an answer. And naturally, that leaves me feeling upset. After all, it's disheartening to feel like you have to pester your own boyfriend just to get time with him. So when he pretty much found a date and brought it up pretty much "out of the blue," it really lifted my spirits. It was good to get the feeling like he was putting in the effort to find some "us time."

Of course, in fairness, he probably puts in that effort a lot of times. Just I'm usually such a go-getter that I tend to start asking about it quite quickly. So most of it is probably just perceptual on my part. But it's nice to have this one instance. It really helps me to relax and soothe the insecurities.

I think I took my last outdoor walk of 2004. I had my light, nylon jacket on, and until I got heated up and sweating, I was pretty darn cold. I suppose I could keep the outdoor walks going if I switched over to my winter coat, but I'm not sure I want to do that, yet. Besides, that's only a temporary fix, and the way that the weather is feeling, it wouldn't last long. Soon, it will be my face, hands, and feet getting too cool. And I can't forget that my jeans are still pretty loose. No, I think it'll be better to switch to indoor walking. I'll just have to start going to the Pyramid Mall during lunch so that I can walk there. Though that mall is almost too small for a real walk.

My other option is to wait until after work and go to the Arnot mall so I can walk there. It's a larger mall and better for walking. But I think I prefer to walk during the middle of the day. I found it's helping me some with my appetite problems in the middle of the afternoon. If I get a good walk in just before I eat lunch, I find lunch much more satisfying and it seems to keep me satisfied longer. I don't exactly get that, since walking should increase my metabolism, causing my body to burn through the calories of lunch even quicker. There must be a piece to the equation I'm missing. Probably several, if I think about it.

Well, I guess it's time to write about the time of year. I've been putting it off because I don't want to, but it's been on my mind too much to avoid it any longer. I knew I'd have to get it out there sometime, so I might as well get it over with. This week marks the six year anniversary since the nuclear explosion between Z, S, and myself. It's hard to narrow it down past "this week," since the whole thing strung out over a period of seven to ten days. I mark the time period from when S sent me the "I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you for at least six months" email on 9 October and she replied to my email telling her off on 17 October with a statement that she didn't care what "my side of the story" was and made death threats. In between, both she and Z told me that they never wanted to talk to me again and lots of other nasty things. I grant you, some of them were deserved. I was no innocent, and I don't want to give the impression that I was, or the impression that I think I am.

I don't know, but part of me wonders if this is why I've been a bit morose and on edge lately. I've been trying to deny that, as I really don't want to admit that this might still bother me. But then again, the fact that it's on my mind suggests that it might. But then I find myself wondering. Am I morose and on edge because the time of year has reminded me of these past events? Or has my mood simply caused my mind to dredge all this back up. I suppose it doesn't matter. I suppose all that matters is that it's on my mind and I have to write it out.

Damn, I really didn't want to write about this. I'm not entirely sure I want to think about it. At least not in this emotional context. It's been six years. I've made new friends. I've met a wonderful man and I'm in a relationship I enjoy. I'd rather just let all the past hurts slip gently away. But I guess they have to do that in their own time, don't they?

The funny thing is, the whole thing with Z himself doesn't really bother me anymore. It seems to me that I made peace with him, and that's all water under the bridge. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't feel a tinge of something -- sadness maybe? -- over how things went with him. But there's a certain peace there. If not perfect, it's been resolved. But I don't have that feeling with S. Isn't it strange that the person I was theoretically closer to -- the one I had a romantic relationship and the first person I ever had sex with -- causes less of an emotional reaction than the one I was just friends with?

I suppose part of that is because of the betrayal involved. It's because I thought she and I were good friends. I let myself be vulnerable to her -- possibly in ways I wouldn't let myself be vulnerable to Z. And she betrayed that. Not only did she betray that, but she practically declared me evil incarnate, and I think that's what really hurt. I mean sure, I was in the wrong in some ways. But evil incarnate was pushing it a bit far.

I think it also is because I took her crap onto myself. For a while, I believed her accusations. I let myself be crushed by her hurtful words. In effect, the hurt and anger towards her is also partly the hurt and anger towards myself for accepting that kind of wounding. Maybe even for making myself vulnerable in the first place.

But I'm not angry at her anymore. At least not as near as I can tell. Anger takes up too much energy. It has to be constantly kindled, and I've quit wasting that energy. Heck, I can't even say that I hold her in contempt any more. Contrary to what I've often thought, I'm finding that just takes too much effort and energy, too.

Do you know what I do feel for her? Pity. And maybe a little sympathy. But mostly pity, I think. She reacted the way she did not just because she didn't know everything and made assumptions, but because she let her own emotional demons rule her reaction. And unless things have changed for her in the last six years, she's still living with that, and may have to live with that for the rest of her life. She's built a cage for herself out of the past and her own bitterness and anger, and she doesn't even see that she's trapped in it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she's moved on from that point in her life, breaking the bonds she helped strengthen. But I don't know if that's happened. All I know is what I saw. And it's that S of the past that I pity.

I hope I'm not doing the same thing. I want to be free of this past. And I think I've done my best to set myself right. I think I've broken many thigns that have held me from these betrayals and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize those that remain and the strength to break them as well when I do recognize them.

But I still find myself wondering why this is still coming to my mind.

I keep telling myself that I need to work on new diary descriptions and profiles for all of my online diaries. (Before anyone asks, I have seven scattered throughout cyberspace.) At most of those diaries, I've had the same user profile and diary description that I threw in there when I first created the diary. And I just feel it's time for a change.

The thing is, I don't know what to change them all too. I feel completely uncreative. I always struggle with what to say in my descriptions and profiles. To be honest, that's partly because I consider myself a terribly boring person. I look at myself and I think "what can I say that anyone would find remotely interesting." So it leaves me stymied.

I know. I should just do it anyway. I should just push through and come up with something. Because if I really put my mind to it, I'm sure I'd come up with something. But that's a big mental block to break.

On the positive side, at least each of the seven diary descriptions and/or profiles I've done are unique to that particular diary. So I have that much to say for myself.

It's a quiet night tonight. I'm sitting here listening to some music, enjoying the relative calmness of the house. I don't think that I appreciate that often enough. You would think that after the whirlwind of having my nieces and nephews here, I wouldn't take the quiet quite so much for granted. But there you go. Even I lose sight from time to time. (Does that sound as egotistical as I think it does? Oh well, a little ego in my diary is probably a good thing.)

As soon as I got home tonight, I decided to haul both loads of my laundry up the stairs. Then I dutifully folded them and put them away. Now I just have to get the last few dirty clothes into the hamper. I'll do that on my way to bed, since it's back upstairs and I'm feeling too lazy to get up and walk up there. It's funny though how a small, menial task like folding and putting away laundry can have an incredible effect on a person's state of mind. I found it very relaxing. I think it's because it gave me something to focus on, and for that few minutes that I was working on it, I was able to let all the crazy thoughts that whiz through my head while at work dissipate. And I was left with a moment of mental quiet -- relatively speaking, at least.

You know, as I think about that, I find myself wondering. Maybe the reason I don't appreciate the calm and quiet around here is because of the usual lack of quiet in my own mind. I usually let my mind jump from topic to topic to topic, back to the original topic so quickly. So I find myself in a constant state of mental chaos of sorts. So because of this, I expect my external surroundings to match this. I fill it with the noise of the television, the "noise" of several different conversations and message board discussions, and any other "noise" I can find. If I can't learn to quiet my own mind, how can I appreciate the quiet around me.

So, maybe it's time for some practical work here. Less noise in my life. Less noise in my mind. But the question is, how will I go about doing this. Perhaps I should start by finding that "menial task" to do each night, since it seems to help. I'm not sure what I'll come up with, but I think it's worth a try.

Apparently, part of me wants to be nasty, caustic, and snide. Anything I see that I think is stupid, I just want to mock the person in some way. Two prime examples of this happened on a message board in a topic discussing witchcraft and magic.

First of all, a 14 year old Christian came in and made a pronouncement: "I rebuke the spirit of witchcraft and all other demonic things." I rolled my eyes. Part of me wanted to make some smartass comment like, "Well, I rebuke the Spirit of Saint Louis. That wicked plane!" I figured I'd have to mention that the Spirit of Saint Louis was a plane because quite frankly, I get the impression that this kid wouldn't have gotten the reference. And let's face it, if you have to explain a smartass comment, it takes all the fun out of it. I suppose if I was more caustic, I could've taken more pleasure in the fact that the person I was mocking didn't get my statements, but I guess I'm just not that advanced of an elitist bastard/intellectual snob.

The next person came in on the same thread. Her pronouncement? "I don't believe witchcraft and magic is real." To her, I simply wanted to do the online equivalent of giving her a patronizing pat on the head and saying, "That's nice, now I trust you can find your way the to the exit on yourself." I mean honestly, if you don't believe in something, don't enter into a conversation about it. Is this really that difficult of a concept to grasp? But then, I guess that such an action wouldn't give them the opportunity to sound so smug.

But then, can I blame them for wanting to do that? I mean, aren't I wanting to do the same thing with my own caustic rejoinders? So I surely don't have the moral high ground from which to criticize. But screw the moral high ground, I say. At least here. This is my chance to express my annoyance.

I suppose that's why I'm writing this here. It gives me a chance to give into a bit of base pettiness and give "silent voice" to my snide remarks in private while I maintain my poise in that conversation. Part of me finds this a bit two-faced, but another part of me finds this a right action. After all, I am only human. I'm bound to have my moments of weakness, where my less than stellar side rises to the need for expression. And is it not better to give it this more private voice where it at least somewhat contained?

I suppose some day, it would be nice to reach a point where such nonsense truly does not effect me. Then, even such a private expression of annoyance and invective would not be necessary. That would be ideal. But while I strive for that ideal, I think it best to give place to the less-than-ideal reality of my personality, and acknowledge it forthrightly. After all, this is better than repressing it until it builds and bursts out beyond my restraint.

I think I spent five minutes laughing today. It was laugh or cry, really. I had one of those work-related moments where life itself becomes entirely absurd and you realize that there's nothing worth taking serious anymore. All because of an email I received.

You see, we're working on a new product at work. And the powers that be have decided that they're not comfortable with the risk involved in writing the firmware for the product for Linux. They've decided that they'd be much more comfortable modifying the code we currently use on other products that runs under VxWorks. So this means a complete change in firmware development. New compiler, new development environment, different baseline code.

That's all fine for the firmware guys because, quite frankly, they haven't really been working on the code for this anyway. So regardless of which operating system they go with, they're still at ground zero. Unfortunately, as I've already began working on the bringup code to verify that the hardware is functional (and it only makes sense to write the bringup code and operational firmware for the same operating system for the sake of code reusability), it means setting aside about a month worth of work that I've done and starting over from scratch. There's nothing like saying, "wow, look at all that work I've done. It's great. Now it can sit there and possibly never see the light of day again." As I said, I laughed because it was easier than crying.

The only thing that really bothers me about this is that I feel like I only found out about this change of direction on "accident." The program manager for this project just sent out an "oh, there's been this official decision, just so everyone knows." No one explicitly came out and said, "you know, this means Jarred needs to change gears too." So if Mark hadn't just offhandedly pointed it out, I wonder how much farther they would've let me toil away in the wrong direction before I found out. Now that would've irked me. It's one thing to tell me that I need to start over again. It's another thing to let me keep working in the wrong direction when a change of plans has been made.

In the long run, this really doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I have to let go of my work from the last month and acknowledge that it doesn't account for anything now (other than the fact that I'm a hard and dedicated worker). But that'll be a good exercise in ego dissolution. And my ego could probably use a bit of dissolution, anyhow. But on the true positive, it means that I can write the bringup for VxWorks. And in a lot of ways, writing bringup code in VxWorks is a lot simpler than doing it in Linux. Especially when you consider that I'm still really learning the ins and outs of the Linux kernel.

Of course, that does also mean that this project will be less of a challenge for me. I mean, hacking the Linux kernel, figuring out how to do device drivers, and everything else was new territory for me, so it required learning and a shift in thoughts. And I rather enjoy that. I was looking forward to it. Oh well, hopefully I'll get another project to do that with.

I was an idiot. I read an entry on one of Susan's diaries. And I gave my opinion. Thing is, like an idiot, I didn't check out my assumptions before hand. Generally a bad idea, I know. But every now and then, I do something dumb. I found out I was wrong. Acknowledged it, and apologized.

Of course, I considered just deleting the comment. I thought about it for....all of thirty seconds, I think. I eventually realized that I was looking down a metophorical road that started in that direction, and I decided I didn't like where that road led. So in the end, I decided that for me, deleting the comment was a bad idea.

You see, for me, it's too easy to treat the handy "delete comment" feature as an "undo button." I think everyone's familiar with the "undo button," right? I think we all wanted one when we were a kids. (Heck, I find myself wondering if you ever really stop wanting one when you're an adult.) If you did something wrong, you'd press your magic "undo button," and it would magically make it all right, as if what you did never happened. No guilt. No hard feelings. No lectures from Mom. No extra chores or days without television.

Even as an adult, I have to admit that I would love an "undo" button. I'd like to be able to undo the mistakes I've made at work and the problems I've created with coworkers so I didn't have to spend time rebuilding a sense of teamwork and trust with them, for one example.

And to me, that's what the delete option feels like. It's a way for me to go, "I can delete that comment and make it as if I never left it." In this case, I probably could've even done so. After all, Susan wasn't online. She hadn't seen it yet.

But the thing is, I did leave it. And I don't feel right about pretending I didn't. Even if no one else knows about it. I'd be deceiving everyone but myself. And I'd be trying to deceive myself in the process, on some level. And that thought bothers me a great deal.

The other thing is, it seems to me that an "undo button" -- even one that just let's you pretend you never did something stupid but doesn't really "undo" it -- would have the side effect of removing reminders of the lessons I learned from my mistakes. After all, how can I learn from a mistake I'm pretending never happened? How can I do so even if I just try to forget it ever happened?

To me, leaving that comment there is about character building the hard way. It serves as a reminder to me -- and let's everyone else know about it, which I think is good in some ways, too -- that says, "Hey, remember what happened the last time you spoke without making sure your facts were straight? Maybe you ought to make sure you're not doing that again."

It's painful, but then isn't that the nature of character building?

I haven't put an update in here lately. I thought I'd go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.

We'll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.

I am leaving a number of message boards. I'm starting to discover that they're little more than "distractions" to me. I really don't get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don't have much to offer there, either. So it's time to "cut bait," so to speak.

In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won't be too far in the future.

I'm thinking over a couple of projects I'm considering working on. I don't want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it'd be good to indicate that I'm looking to make life more productive.

I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I'm not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.

I've been going through some inner conflict about relationships. Or to be more exact, I'm going through some inner conflict about my lack of a romantic relationship, my desire to start looking into changing that state of affairs, and my concerns and fears about doing so.

I'm to that point where I've pretty well grieved over Mike (I think). Sure, there's some part of me hoping that he'll still come to his senses and contact me out of the blue to beg me for another chance. But I think that's more because it would be the "easy path" -- which is much more attractive than going through the whole process of trying to make connections with a new person I hardly know, for obvious reasons -- than any desire to specifically have Mike back in my life. As much as it saddens to admit it, his claims early in our relationship that I would "eventually figure out he's not all that special" has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. His choices and actions made him "not all that special" (with the possibly exception of making him especially undesirable in the end). That's a weird realization to come to. And part of me still doesn't know how to respond to it.

At this point, I'm to that point of feeling like, "I'm not getting any younger, and Mr. Right isn't going to knock on my door out of the blue." I know deep down that if I ever do want to find a special someone and experience love again, I'm probably going to have to do some looking. I'm going to have to put myself out there, find, and consider the prospects. Heck, I might even have to go on a few disastrous dates with a couple guys I realize later I'm not all that interested in. In short, I need to work to create the reality I want.

But on the same hand, I find myself hesitating. I start asking myself all kinds of questions. Am I really ready? Can I really commit to this? Am I to the point where I can really start and appreciate a real relationship rather than just trying to "get over" my last experience? And can I really look at the person who's there and choose him for him rather than just choosing whoever because, "hey, it's a relationship." In other words, am I looking for a person or somethign less? And I'm having trouble answering those questions and trusting myself to do so honestly.

I'm also at that point where I'm worried about letting such a search for love consume my life. I don't want to let my entire life to become little more than a romantic reltionship. (In retrospect, I can say that I started allowing that to happen with Mike, and I see it for the mistake it was.) So I'm worried about finding that balance of continuing to establish my life here in general with the possible "search" for love.

Of course, there's still the fact that I haven't figure out how to best go about conducting such a search anyway. I still haven't met a lot of people yet, and I'm still trying to figure out how to rectify that. My creative writing class starts tomorrow evening, and I'm hoping that'll help to some extent. But overall, I'm still just confused and worried.

A couple weeks ago, I was looking through my old diary entries. I ran across an "unsent letter" I wrote to my ex, Zech. In it, I talked about my relationship with Mike. I decided I wanted to go back and comment on what I said there, considering how things with Mike finally ended up. Excerpts from the original letter are in italics, while my new thoughts will be in normal text.

I'm dating a wonderful guy now. His name is Mike.

Ah yes. These were "the good old days" when I actually thought Mike was a catch. (Actually, I wrote the original letter almost a full year before I broke up with Mike.) My opinion has changed since then. Funny thing is, I probably am having more fond thoughts of Zech right now than of Mike. That's a scary thought, in some ways. Mike and I had our issues, but the "relationship" with Zech was just one huge mess. So you'd almost think that I'd have less fondness for Zech.

I suppose the fact that it's been over seven years since Zech and I broke up, time has healed those wounds. Compare that to the fact that it's only been six months since I told Mike I didn't want him in my life any more, and I suppose that's understandable. But I think there's more to it than that. Zech and I had real issues back then, both individually and as a couple. And in Zech's case, I can cut him some slack due to the fact that he was a lot younger -- not even twenty yet. In comparison, Mike's turning thirty in January. Being that old and still thinking it's perfectly reasonable to tell someone, "You mean the world to me, but I'm not going to do anything to meet your emotional needs because it'll require me to accept some personal discomfort" is unthinkable. So in that sense, I think he deserves my contempt.

But I'm slowly learning something. There's a huge difference between you and Mike.

Unfortunately, I'm also learning there were a lot of similarities between them, too. It's ironic that I spent so much time teaching myself to not react to Mike out of my issues with Zech, only to find out there really were some things they had in common. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I went through that process anyway. I did need to learn that not everyone was exactly like Zech.

But in the end, both of my exes were wrapped up in their own little worlds. They were too busy trying to keep their worlds so perfectly balanced, that they were willing to sacrifice my needs and feelings if it came to it. Perhaps Mike wasn't as dastardly about it, but does that make it any better? And besides, he also should've known better.

In retrospect, I think I've decided to re-make my rule against not dating guys who are still "in the closet" -- at least to their family. I made that rule after Zech and broke it when dating Mike. When Mike and I started going together, I told him about my reservations. But I went ahead on the grounds that he was otherwise wonderful and he promised me that he'd make sure that the fact that his friends and family didn't know about his sexual orientation wouldn't get in the way. He broke that promise. And I'm now convinced that when push comes to shove, most guys in the closet will break that promise. So if they're not ready to be honest with their family, they deserve a pass in the realm of relationships. They're just not ready.

In case anyone's interested, I have started yet another new blog. Before everyone groans and call me crazy, let me explain that this is a specialty blog. To be specific, it's the site where I'm going to start posting all of my "Dear Lover" letters. For those who don't know what letters I'm talking about...well, read the blog!

Sunday, I ended up going over to the POC again. Originally, I figured I'd just stop by for a bit of "face time" and then leave after a few minutes. Well, as it turns out, I ended up staying for quite a while. They were sanding furniture to get it ready to be repainted. I'm not big on sanding and it's certainly not one of my strong points, but I decided to stick around and help out a little. After all, it meant being social and hanging out with other people. I've wanted a lot of that lately. And it was fun.

After working, a group of us decided to go out to supper together. We went to Denny's and had quite a good time. Of course, once again, I decided that I really wanted to skip the food and just take our server to go. His name was Jason. He must've been in his mid-twenties and let me just say that he was fine. Both of the women I was with agreed that my taste was impeccable. In fact, they pestered me about asking him for his phone number. I decided against it.

It was a tempting thought, if I could've ever gotten up the nerve to do it. I don't know, I'm still too afraid of rejection to ask a perfect stranger for his phone number or if he'd like to go out sometime. Of course, I also just feel I'm not ready to date someone. I realized the other day that there are just some things about my self-perception I need to change. Otherwise, I run the risk of expecting any boyfriend I have to make up for those issues, and that's not right. I'll probably write more about that sometime.

At any rate, it was a good day.

Earlier this morning, I realized that it was April 1. I then realized that it was April 1, 2006. That's exactly ten years after April 1, 1996. For those who might not be aware of it, April 1, 1996 was the day that I quit trying to "fix" my sexuality, and came out to both myself and my friend Merion. That means that as of about 8pm this evening, I have been "out" for ten years. So happy anniversary to me!

I'm not big on commemorating "life changing moments" every year. But for some reason, remembering my tenth coming out anniversary struck me as important today, so I thought I'd say a few things about it.

First of all, let me just reiterate that if you're about to come out to your best friend and you find yourself prefacing your announcement with the phrase, "Please bear in mind this isn't an April Fool's joke," you've probably chosen a bad day to come out. It's something that Merion and I have joked about every so often for the past ten years.

I remember that night with some amazing details. I remember meeting Merion in the small alcove where our Small Group Bible Study (the one I was helping to lead and that Merion used to attend) met on Wednesday night. My stomach was all in knots and I think I was visibly shaking. It took me several long moments of hesitation to get the words out. I had a certain feeling like this was it. Once I took this step, there was no going back. And it's hard to jump off the proverbial cliff like that. Ultimately, I'm glad I did and I've hardly looked back since, but my perspective was quite different back then.

Merion was momentarily stunned. I'm not sure whether she wasn't expecting it (if so, she may well be the only person who hadn't at least suspected something was up by then) or if she was just so surprised that I decided to tell her. She did tell me she was honored that I told her, which I sort of understand all of these years later. To me, it only made sense at the time. After all, she had come out to me the previous year.

I think that part of the reason thinking back to this event ten years ago is that it was my first "big change." Considering the number of changes I've been through in the last ten years -- including several changes in the past year -- thinking back to the event that "got the ball rolling," seems appropriate. I mean, on March 31, 1996, I was a "straight" (okay, that's not entirely true, but that's another complicated topic) evangelical Christian with highly conservative political leanings. The next day, I officially took the first step towards becoming the person I am today, a gay witch with a mostly left-leaning political outlook. Had you asked me back then if I ever thought I'd be where I am today, I think I would've laughed. Maybe even offended.

Isn't life strange?

Over the weekend, I've decided that it's time to slowly institute some changes in my life. I'd love to say that I'm going to do them all, and that's my eventual desire, but I don't want to set up a goal I find I'm unable (or unwilling) to keep, only berate myself for the failure. So I think I'm going to make this a long term list of things I plan to accomplish over the next several months. Some of them may happen overnight, others may take a while. And some may be "hit or miss" in that I do them for a while, but then slack off. In that case, I'm giving myself permission ahead of time to accept it when it happens and just eventually start back up again.

First, I've decided I need to put some effort into decorating my house. I've already started by putting out my singing bowl and getting a bear figurine for the end table in the living room. And I have a plaque to hang by the door that says "Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much." I'll also have to figure out where I want to hang my picture of Icarus, and work on getting other items.

You see, I'm terrible at house-keeping. The living room is a complete mess, the kitchen table is all cluttered up (though it's a lot better now that I spent twenty minutes going through a lot of the clutter, tossing junk, and finding homes for some of the important stuff), and the carpet is in desparate need of vacuuming. I think the reason for this is that I don't think of this house as a home yet, so I don't treat it like my home. (I'd never be this messy in someone else's home, so why would I treat my own home like this?) So I think I need to invest a little time and effort into making the place look and feel like a home, my home. Hopefully, once I put the effort into it, I'll take more pride in it, and keep it a bit tidier.

The next thing I want to do is to spend more time out of the house on a regular basis. I've slowly been withdrawing into solitude, and that's not good. Last month, I realized that working on the POC was consuming too much of my time, so I backed off so I could have a life. Well, now it's time to have more of a life. I've spent all of last week and some of today out and about and it's done wonders for my state of mind, I think.

This is going to be hard for me to keep up with, though. It's going to be a mental juggling act for a while. After all, I'll still be going out on my own. And that means that there'll come a point were I'll start to wonder why I'm bothering. After all, what difference does it make whether I go out or stay in if I'm still on my own either way? But the going out is good. And it leaves open at least the possibility of interraction.

As an aside, I have noticed I've been a bit more social when in public recently. For example, while I was at Eastview Mall yesterday, I found myself walking behind this family. The little girl, about four or five I think, was pestering her mother, saying she wanted something. The mother turned to the little girl and said blatantly, "And I want a million dollars. Are you going to give it to me?" The little girl ran ahead (to bug her father I think) and I walked up next to the woman, smiled, and said, "I really loved your response," and we both laughed at that. I don't think I've ever done anything like that. Between that and making more eye contact (like turning around and saying "thank you" or "you too" to a store clerk when they wish me a good day as I'm leaving rather than just mumbling it as I continue out the door), I think I'm starting to make progress in being more socially engaging. Hopefully, this is a good sign that continues to develop into a lasting change.

I'm also working on getting more physical activity in throughout the week. My original goal (as of two weeks ago) was to go to the fitness center they just added to my apartment complex three times a week. I didn't meet that goal last week and probably won't this week. But considering the amount of time I was on the my feet at the zoo, in the malls, walking around downtown State College, walking along the Susquehanna River, and checking out Highland Park, I just don't feel it's been necessary. I've had plenty of physical activity.

One thing that's conspicuously absent from my list of goals is losing weight. Sure, that's something I want to do at some point. But I feel it needs to wait. I need to learn to like myself how I am now, I think. I need to allow myself to feel and be attractive at my current size. Once I do that, I think I'll have an easier time at setting, meeting, and maintaining weight loss goals. I think I'm currently sabotaging any such attempts with the belief that I'm not and can't be attractive. And by association, I think that means I subconsciously can't be thinner, because that would mean I'd also be good looking, which just can't happen. So I need to work on the mental block where I am now before I can effectively seek to change that part of myself. (Gee, I hope that makes sense to someone else.)

The next six months should be interesting.

I don't normall do "cut and paste" columns. However, Juliaki's insights on this particular topic was too perfect not to share her words. I'm thankful for her graciousness in allowing me to repost them here.

I asked the gods for support and guidance on my path. I asked them to help build me up so that I could go higher than I was, and closer to them. From out of the sky, a shower of boulders slid from the mountain and blocked my path, a pile of boulders higher than my height by far. I raised my fists to the heavens and yelled up to the gods, "I have always been good in your service. I have always done the best that I could. Now, when I ask for your help to rise above the challenges of the world for just a moment, you put obstacles in my way! Why have you done this to me? I ask you to remove them at once!"

The gods whispered to me, with patience so plain, "What you see as obstacles are actually blessings on your path. These obstacles, as you call them, are there so that you may use the will that we gave you to climb up and to rise above the challenges of the world for a moment. If you faced the challenges we gave you with the strength of spirit we put within you and worked through them with the courage of one who does instead of one who makes excuses, you would have risen above this challenge and been granted the wisdom of a wise vista."

"But you asked for your path to be clear, and it shall be given to you."

And with that, the boulders disappeared, leaving a flat road ahead of me. A road that looked the same as before, flat and unchanging. A road on which I could rise no higher, for I had rejected blessings as curses and demanded that convenience outweigh growth.

The following is an excerpt from a special journaling project I've started:

It wasn't until Serenity and Zech came along that I received enough encouragement to truly develop my inner writer. I had written a little at the end of college -- mostly to help myself cope with my coming out struggles -- and those two eventually got me to share. They both loved it and encouraged me to push myself further. I became more confident and open to showing others my work.

Of course, I know that's not true now. My writing is something that comes from within me, and is therefore not something they could take from me -- nor can anyone else. They could only take away their support. But now, I know I don't need it (and never did). I only need to connect to the writer within. He's al I need. I'm all I need. I can be my own encouragement.

Coming to this realization tonight was liberating and empowering in a way that really surprised me. Suddenly, I found myself feeling a whole lot more inspired. In fact, I'm seriously considering starting a fiction project in the near future.

I'm a bit of a tarot fan. I've collected a number of decks, as I find the artwork and the symbolism the artist puts into their interpretations. One of my all time favorite decks is The Robin Wood Tarot, named after its creator, artist and illustrator Robin Wood. Her deck has some absolutely beautiful artwork in it, and is an excellent blending of the symbolism traditionally (at least in the tradition of A.E. Waite and the Golden Dawn) associated with the tarot and her own ideas.

One of the cards in which Ms. Wood chose to go away from the traditional symbolism was major arcana card, The Devil. (A picture of this card from her deck can be found on the page linked to in the previous paragraph.) Whereas this card traditionally shows a demonic figure towering over two smaller figures in chains, Ms. Wood's deck shows two individuals in a dark hallway or tunnel, holding onto a large chest. This card happens to be one of my favorite cards in this deck because it captures my own feelings about the underlying meanings of "The Devil" in tarot. This card takes the "devil" and transmutes it from being about being in bondage to an external figure to an inner condition of self-imposed bondage.

If you look at the card closely, you will notice that the only thing truly in bondage in this picture is the chest that the figures are holding onto. In reality, the two individuals are completely free. At any moment, they could choose to let go of the chest and walk boldly into the daylight, escaping their "prison." And yet, they do not do this. Instead, they hold on to the chest, not willing to let it go.

The chest is partly open, showing its treasures inside. It is undoubtedly these treasures -- and the figures' desire for them -- that keep the "prisoners" in place. Their desire for riches and treasures prove greater than their desire for freedom, so they hold their place. Indeed, their desire for the treasure has probably convinced them that they themselves are in bondage, not recognizing their own complicity in their situation.

This message is further enhanced when you examine the chest itself. Its visible surfaces are covered in depictions of the primitive "monkey trap." This "trap" is nothing more than a coconut with a small hole drilled into it. Food is stuffed into the whole and the coconut is afixed so that it cannot be moved. When a monkey finds the coconut, it discovers the food. In its greedy hunger, the monkey will slip its hand through the hole in the coconut and seize the food. However, when it attempts to pull its hand back out, the hole proves too small to allow the monkey to extricate its prize-laden fist back out. Despite being frustrated by the trap, the monkey's greed for the food will keep it from releasing its prize and extricating itself from the trap. Indeed, the monkey will remain their, grasping its prize in frustration until the trapper comes to check the trap. Even while being killed, the monkey will resolutely hang onto its prize.

In this way, the chest in the card loudly proclaims its own nature to its "captives." But their greed blinds them to this, and they remain as "trapped" as the pictured monkeys.

Of course, like all tarot cards, there is a danger in reading this card too literally. Not all "treasures" have monetary value. Nor do all traps of this nature have physical bait. In reality, there are many things -- be they memories, relationships, or past experiences -- in our lives which we may be better off leaving behind. However, in some way, we believe ourselves to need them -- or at least to be better off with them. So we hold on to them, enduring whatever bondage they may hold us in. In time, we find ways to ignore the trap, or at least cease associating our choice to cling to the "treasure" with the resultant "bondage."

Robin Wood's card, "The Devil" reminds us to be mindful of these "traps." It calls us to ask ourselves if there is something we would be better off letting go of if it means increased freedom or peace.

I feel strange tonight. To be honest, I'm having a hard time describing my mood and emotional state. I think that the best word for describing the underlying theme is melancholy. but it's a strange melancholy. I'm finding a certain comfort in it. It doesn't depress me, if that makes any sense.

There's also a strong sense of impermanence to it all. It's as if in my sadness, there's a deep knowledge that it will pass soon enough, departing to let my heart fill with light and joy. This knowledge lets me find comfort in my temporary darkness, wrapping it around me gently like a warm blanket as I wait "sunnier" times.

It's not like I'm totally devoid of joy, anyway. Evenin my morose state, I can see the myriad little bright spots. I can see where I have treated myself with more honor and respect than I have in the past. I know I have friends I can turn to when I need an ear, and have even dared to call on them to offer those very services. I am loved, and I know it. What is a little sadness in the face of that?

I'm not sure how many people read this blog any more. I know I've been silent for almost a month now. To be honest, I've logged in to write something several times since my last entry, but have never been able to get past the blank textbox.

This is one of those cases where many aspects of my life have caused me to turn inward, to work on projects and go through things that I'm not ready to post about yet. There's just so much going on that still needs to be worked out in the stillness of my own mind before broadcast to the world, and as such, I leave what readers I may have wondering what's going on.

What I can say is that my spiritual life is getting rather interesting right now. There are certain things that I need to work on and certain changes in my life that I'm making in order to prepare for the "next big step." At some point, I hope to talk about some of that. But for now, I must leave it at this simple teaser.

I'm also working on a writing project, which I have several guides telling me will eventually coalesce into a publishable book. However, I'm in the very early stages of that process. Currently, I'm at the point where the project involves me spending regular times with a separate journal (as opposed to my "everyday" one) and writing about past experiences, people, and choices that I can remember, and my emotional reactions to them. It's been both a rewarding and trying process, as not all of the memories or the realizations related to them are entirely comfortable. They're not exactly painful, either. But they take a bit of processing at times.

One of the interesting things is that as I continue with this project, I find myself remembering little things that I had completely forgotten about, things that I haven't thought about in a decade or more. That in itself can be a bit shocking. Of course, on the flip side, it's also nice to suddenly discover that I have more memories of my life before high school than I might've thought. They're just there waiting to be found.

Of course, a side effect of this process is that I find myself growing nostalgiac. I find myself wondering what ever happened to old friends, old school chums, and even an old lover or two. I find myself wondering what kind of people they are today. After all, it's been at least a decade since I've seen some of them.

You can't go home again. But at least you can visit. Even if only in your mind.

Just last night, I started participating on a religious discussion message board on another site. I've met some interesting people, but I've also noticed there seems to be a very large contingent of people who are using the sight for a good bit of ego-stroking and demonstrating their own "spiritual superiority" (whether it takes the form of righteousness or enlightenment) at the expense of others. It makes for a harsh evironment, in many ways. I'm just hoping that those of us who are interested can create enough positive discussion to make it worthwhile.

But the big thing I noticed was how easy it would be for me to slip into the same kind of posturing. Each time I read an ego-driven post there, I find myself sorely tempted, almost eager, to tear the person down, with the painful realization that my own motives at heart are equally ego-driven. It troubles me how easily I could fall into that same trap just by being around it.

As such, I need to work on guarding myself against that temptation.

Deck: Robin Wood Tarot
Card: Seven of Swords

A man shrouded in a gray hooded cloak is climbing over a waist-high stone wall. Only eyes, nose, and mouth are visible from within the hood, wearing a scowl that suggests anger and bitterness. Sticking out from beneath the man's cloak are four swords, while a line of tents is visible in the background, suggesting an encampment from which the man stole his treasures. His left boot rests on a flat surface of stone that sticks out halfway down the visble side of the wall, aiding the man in his escape.

This sword speaks of ill-begotten gain, both material and intanglible things which we have aquired in less than honorable ways. Like the man on the card, we sneak away feeling that we have gained something, but at the expense of our own integrity. Most often, these occasions occur when we feel that we are due something and have been cheated out of it. After all, the expression on the man's face makes it clear that he feels that his pilfered blades are rightfully his. Perhaps he too feels that he was beguiled out of them unjustly and sees his thievery merely as the best way to rectify the situation.

However, this card reminds us that even the right result achieved in less than honorable ways robs us of something greater. While the man may be collecting what is rightfully his, his methods of doing so shall permanently mar him as someone who is slippery and less than trustworthy. Indeed, the relatively small size of his stepping stone in the escape -- barely big enough to rest his boot upon -- suggests a precarious path, and one that can easily result in a sudden downfall. And so it is with the path of going to dubious means to aquire our goals, no matter how noble they may ultimately be.

This card calls us to consider our methods of getting what we want and going where we want to be. It calls on us to be upright in our dealings, even when those we deal with fail to return the favor. After all, the way in which we make the journey for ourselves can have as lasting effect on us our final destination.

Deck: Tarot of Transformation
Card: The Star (XVII)
Keyphrase: Guiding Light

A lone female figure stands in the center of this card, leaning against a tree. The tree’s barren limbs and the mostly white ground at the figure’s feet tell us that it is winter. The woman wears a long, heavy dress, and a dark shawl is draped around her shoulders. From her neck hangs a pendant of an upturned crescent moon with a single flame nestled in the inner curve. The woman’s head is slightly inclined to view the lone star shining in the sky towards the left edge of the card (to the figure’s right).

This card speaks of the inner wisdom that comes from within the individual. This wisdom is available to us when we allow ourselves to stop and listen to it, divesting ourselves of the distractions that often fill our lives. The woman on the card stands in a barren winter-land because she knows that it will enable her to focus more on that wisdom she carries with herself, as symbolized by her pendant. The crescent moon suggests that this is more an intuitive wisdom rather than intellectual knowledge.

There is a strong correlation between the star in the sky and the pendant of the figure. These symbols remind us that consulting this inner wisdom is a matter of consulting the source of that wisdom – that Divine source to which we are connected. In essence, we are reminded that the search for the sublime starts within, for that is our guiding light.

The wintry background also reminds us that cultivating and accessing this inner wisdom and the resulting cosmic understanding requires some unseen work. There may be times which we must go through a period of silence while our unconscious works to rearrange things and prepare us for the next stage of the journey.

At some point in the last twenty four hours, one of my favorite liberal Christian bloggers made an update to a post he made about claims that the National Park Service staff were prohibited from giving an answer about the Grand Canyon's age. This claim was made based on a statement issued by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility, aka PEER. Bob's update was to let everyone know that these claims appear to be unfounded and to apologize for being duped. He also provided a link to a lengthy explanation and retraction posted by Skeptic Magazine, who had also been duped by the story.

This is a clear case where some relatively simple fact checking (namely calling the National Park Services and asking whoever answers the phone whether they could comment on the age of the grand canyon) could have saved both Bob and the folks at Skeptic Magazine the trouble of wiping a considerable amount of egg off their face. Both parties admit this. But I don't wish to be critical of them, as I can completely empathize with their position. Truth be told, this could have happened to me as easily as it happened to them. I've been known to trust sources without much fact checking as well, and I certainly don't want Bob or the folks at Skeptic Magazine pointing their fingers at me and laughing should our roles ever be reversed.

Instead, I want to focus on the frightening (to me, at least) real