The Musings of a Confused Man

Well, this was another day of doing little, but getting things done that will benefit me overall. For starters, I managed to do yet another fifteen minute meditation. I could grow to enjoy that. I may have to try and figure out a way to continue it while at work. I could take fifteen minutes out of my lunch break, but I need to work out the circumstances. I don't think I'd manage to do it at the office. People don't respect a person's lunch break if they're still in the building. So I'd end up getting interrupted. So I might see about trying it in my car. I could just sit in the driver's seat. If I leaned back a bit, most people might even assume that I was taking a nap and leave me alone. I might have to try that.

I have found that having some sort of timer is an absolute benefit when meditating. It creates a situation where you can relax and really get into the process of calming and focusing your mind. Before I got this little programmable digital timer I now use, I'd find myself having to worry about what time it was or how long it's taken. But now that I can just set the timer, close my eyes, and remain confident that my little "buddy" will let me know when it's time to stop, I found I can focus much more on what I'm attempting.

If I remember right, I got the fifteen minute time limit from the ADF Dedicant's program. It's the nominal time for daily meditations that they recommend (though they actually require much less to complete the program -- or least used to). I'm beginning to understand why. There seems to be something about that time frame. Today, as I was doing my meditation, I found a certain pattern forming. And I'm pretty sure that yesterday worked the same way. It seems as though the first few minutes of that time span is spent trying to relax and actually get into the right state of mind. Then the majority of the time is spent in a good meditative state -- I completely zoned today, I think. But by the end of the fifteen minutes, I've been finding that my mind starts "resurfacing" on its own. My state of meditation tends to get much lighter. And this usually happens -- at my best guess, since I don't actually look -- about two to three minutes before the timer goes off.

I also went for my mile walk today, again. This time, I made the circuit in sixteen to seventeen minutes. I think that's a minute faster than yesterday. I"m really quite surprised that I'm able to walk it that quickly. Maybe it means that I'm not in quite as bad shape as I thought I was. Sure I still have to lose about 100 pounds, but I'm not just doing this to lose weight. I'm also doing this for my stanima and other health concerns. The weight loss -- which I do hope comes eventually -- is just one more benefit . And a healthy one at that. Of coruse, I also need to cut back on the sweets again and generally watch my eating habbits. But that's next on my list. I honestly think that my biggest concern is my lack of physical activity. So hopefully, we'll be fixing that soon enough.

Tomorrow, I'm walking at the mall. I don't want to go down to the park because they're having a tractor pull there. From what I understand, that will be right next to the walking path -- if not straddling it! So I figure it'll be just as safe to go someplace else. And with any luck, the mall will be empty. But I know it's open, because Raechel says Friendly's will be open.

Dear Z,

Well, hello there. I doubt you never expected me to write you another letter, did you? I mean, it's been over four years since we've had any contact at all. I'm not sure you even think of me. I don't know how I feel that. For the most part, I'm fine with it. You're out of my life, I've moved on, and I'm happy to keep it that way. That's while you'll never actually "receive" this letter. But that's okay. I'm not writing it for you. I'm writing it for me. So you'll forgive me if I picture you on the other end reading this. I know it'll never happen, but just picturing it makes me feel content.

I'm not sure what kind of letter this is going to be. I'm not entirely sure why I'm even writing it. I just know that even after all of this time, I still think of you every now and then. I even wrote a couple of diary entries about you last Fall. So I figured I'd write you a letter. I don't know. Maybe this is my goodbye letter. Maybe some part of me hopes that once I write this, I can quit thinking about you from time to time. Though another part of me doubts that's going to happen.

At any rate, I just wanted to share my thoughts and memories of "our" past with you. Even if I continue to think of you -- and it's not a totally terrible thing to think of you -- at least I'll have gotten a chance to express those thoughts. And I guess that's all I really feel that I need right now. So anyway, here we go.

We broke up five and a half years ago. No, let's rephrase that. You dumped me five and a half years ago. I'm not exactly bitter about that, you know. As I say it, I'm not even really angry about it. I just want to state how things went down clearly. Maybe it's petty of me. I don't know. It doesn't matter. But like I said, I'm not angry. In retrospect, I now realize that it was bound to happen.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I was angry with you once upon a time. But you know that, don't you? I chewed you out in an email a year after the fact. What can I say? I'm human, and I get angry. I will neither excuse it nor rationalize it. Just don't expect me to apologize for it, either.

Of course, in fairness, I don't blame you for everything bad in that mess I thought of as a relationship. (I'm still not sure whether you ever actually considered it one.) I made my share of mistakes. I was less than a model boyfriend. And for that, I'm sorry. But I've grown since then.

I suppose most people would say the regretted the relationship and the breakup, considering how messy it was. But I'm not most people. I can only look back, nod, and say what a fool I was. But I also have to look at the path leading on from there and realize that my foolishness earned me wisdom. One of the people on a mailing list I frequent often comments that experience is the thing that you get after you needed it. I've always liked that saying since the first time I heard her utter it. I think that's partly because that's how I see the nightmare I went through with you.

I learned a lot about myself and relationships from dealing with the emotional rollercoaster dating you put me through. Or perhaps I should say that I discovered the kinds of things that I needed to unlearn because of it. Either way, it works. And it makes a lot of sense.

I'm dating a wonderful guy now. His name is Mike. We've been together for three years now. I've enjoyed every minute of it, though the relationship hasn't always been easy. Like I said, I've had to unlearn a lot of things. I still have things I need to unlearn, but I'm doing better now. Unlearning is rough business. Especially because things go to hell until you do.

There were little things about Mike that would give me flashbacks to my experience with you. Like the way he's so tightlipped with his feelings. He doesn't wear his heart on his shirt sleeve like I do. So there have been times when I would see him not expressing how he felt, and it would terrify me. I'd become frightened that, like you, he would suddenly decide he doesn't have feelings for me after all. And let's face it, you did that more than once, despite the obvious truth to the contrary.

But I'm slowly learning something. There's a huge difference between you and Mike. Mike simply feels uncomfortable expressing his feelings at any great depth. But he acknowledges that he has them. You'd never do that. Hell, half the time, you weren't willing to admit your feelings to yourself. In a way, I kind of pity you for that. But understanding that has enabled me to start seeing Mike in a different way. I now can rest comfortable on the knowledge that he does have those feelings, regardless of whether he expresses them. Sure, I might have a moment's insecurity. But I can let it wash over me, and then take a serious look at our relationship. And there comes a point when I can acknowledge that while my insecurity -- while very real on an emotional level -- is not rational. And I can live with the occasional irrational fear, I think. Especially considering that addressing them in this way seems to make them quite short-lived.

At one point, I think I was mad at you about all this. Or at least I think I thought that I was mad at you about all this. I was mad that I had to unlearn things. I was made that I found myself comparing Mike to you and getting all emotional on him. But in reality, I think was more mad at myself. I was frustrated.

You see, I'm not even sure how much of this was "you" at all. Oh sure, everything I've said about you is true. YOu did deny your feelings. You did vascillate on how you saw our relationship. You did put me through an emotional game. But in the end, I played that game. I stuck in there. And to be honest, you only played off of things going on in my own heart. I can't help but wonder, if it hadn't been you, would it have been someone else? I think it probably would've been.

Like I said, I've grown stronger. I've grown older. I've grown wiser. And I've been able to rebuild myself into a better person. And in a sense, this all came from my experiences with you. But don't pat yourself on the back too much. As I said, I think that if I hadn't gotten messed up with you, I would've experienced much the same with someone else. So I'm taking 95% of the credit for this myself. I'll leave you 5%, just as a token of my love for you.

Yeah, that's the strangest part. I still love you. I probably love you more now than I did back when we were together. But it's a very different kind of love. For starters, it's not the kind of love that I'd ever build a relationship on. I don't see you that way at all. Besides, like I said, I've been with a man I dearly love in that way for three years.

Instead, it's the kind of love that one has for past memories. It's the kind of love that one has for people and experiences that have touched them somehow. Let's face it, you were a part of my life. In a way, you still are a part of my life. I think you always will be. I'm not sure I'd want you to be an active part of my life, even as a friend. I'm just not sure how I feel about that. But my time with you has shaped what I am now, and that is something I will cherish and honor. After all, it's a matter of cherishing and honoring myself. And I deserve that. I owe that to myself.

So there you go. Take care of yourself. And I hope that your own experiences have led you out of your own nightmare.

Love,
-- Jarred.

I had a great weekend. I particularly liked how my Saturday turned out. I got up at around 8:45 that morning and took my shower. Then I decided to drive over to IHOP and have breakfast. I decided to go with the biscuits and eggs with sausage and sausage gravy. It was absolutely delicious. And it sounded good to me because it's one of their few menu items that doesn't come with pancakes. I was not in the mood for pancakes. I tend to get in moods where it's very clear to me that I don't want certain foods, and I try my best to listen to it. I often find there's good reason for it after the fact.

After breakfast, I decided to run to Barnes and Noble. I love the store in Vestal. It's quite huge. It's not as impressive as the two story buildings that I've heard stories about. But it has a lot of books in stock. So I ended up doing some window shopping, which turned into a shopping spree of way too much money. I'm glad that I don't go to the Vestal Barnes and Noble very often. If I did, I'd be broke. But I found some excellent reading material, including an unabridged copy of Gregory Maguire's Wicked on tape. I started listening to it yesterday.

After that, I went back to my hotel room and read for a while. At around 1pm, I decided that it was time to think about food. I decided that Applebee's was a block or so away, so I decided to walk there. As I went, I decided to walk some extra distance (around the entire plaza Applebee's is in) in order to make a full twenty minute walk. Hey, I decided that I might as well get my exercise in, too. In fact, I did a lot of walking on Saturday. In all, I know for sure that I walked over forty minutes total that day. Go me!

When I got done with my walk, I decided I didn't want to go to Applebee's, though. Instead, I decided I was in the mood for Chinese, so I hit the buffet in the same plaza. I think I mainly wanted it because of the beef and broccoli. I've been wanting more vegetables again, and I'm tired of raw vegetables. I think I might look into having more stir fries for meals.

After lunch, I decided to go for a soak in the jacuzzi. That was highly enjoyable. And then after that, i decided to go for a drive around the Vestal and Binghamton areas. I'm trying to learn those areas better. I'd really like to know where I am and how to get where I want to go. I mean, usually, I just have Mike drive while we're together. But it'd be nice if I could get around when I'm not with him. So I'm working on improving that.

Other than that, I just relaxed the rest of the day. It was quite nice. I had the curtains in the hotel room open for most of the day, too. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm not getting enough sunlight. On Saturday, I was very energized and relaxed, and I think a lot of it has to do with how much time I spent in the sun. So I might have to make some lifestyle changes there. I'm also looking at seeing if putting those "full spectrum light bulbs" in my computer room would help a bit. I don't think I can rely on that alone, but maybe it would at least help my motivation enough to get me out of the house to get some real sunlight.

I also think I gained a bit of insight into my struggle to exercise. For some stupid reason, my brain fights the idea because I feel like it's an "obligation." I know that's stupid, but it's true. So I need to find a way to make it an enjoyable thing. More than that, I need to make it something I want to do. I had absolutely no problem walking all that time in Vestal.

Of course, part of that is because I was walking someplace. I wasn't just going for a twenty minute trek around a walking path, or weaving through the mall for twenty minutes. I was going for a stroll to eat lunch. Or I was walking over to the gas station to get a couple liters of water. Or I was walking to the drug store to get some odds and ends I forgot. I can handle that so much better. Too bad there's no place to walk to here at home. Well, there's the gas station, but that's three miles away.

I'll have to figure something out.

Tonight, I was snooping through my old files that I pulled off my old computer just before I gave it away. And I found something that I had written quite a few years ago. I'm not sure whether I originally wrote it in 1997 or 1998. I figured I'd post it here for old times sake. Perhaps another time, I'll look through it and see how much my attituded have changed since writing this.

It's a bit crazy here tonight. The kids are really carrying on. Their mother is currently working on rounding them up and sending them to bed. As I sit here listening to their insanity, I find myself wondering how long it's going to take them to calm down and actually fall asleep. I half suspect that we're going to end up wishing that we had some tranquilizers or something. Ah well, hopefully I'll get a few quiet hours before I head for bed. Besides, I got plenty of quiet time earlier today. So I can't complain.

When my sister was getting ready to go to her in-laws, I decided to take a quick nap. I figured that I needed it after staying up until after 1am. I was planning a nice short nap, but I ended up dozing for a full two hours. Oops! But I think I needed it, so it was all good.

Once I got done napping, I decided to read Witchcraft Today. I had three chapters left to read and I decided to finish it tonight. That way, it's all fresh for the book discussion. I do need to reread chapter two though. I plan on rereading each chapter as we start to discuss it, and Brian just called for the start of the chapter two discussion.

I've enjoyed reading the book this time around. Last time I read it (I think that was back in this past winter), I didn't get as much out of it. I guess I'm just in a better mental space to be able to appreciate what I'm reading this time. (I remember reading many of the quotes from the "What Gardner Said" site I love and being surprised at what I didn't remember, so I was glad to reread it anyway.) One of the things that I'm really noticing this time around is the number of times he repeats certain things. He tells about certain beliefs or about certain practices multiple times. In fact, there were a few times that I had to make sure I didn't accidentally "jump back" in the book because it sounded so familiar. Though each time he repeated something, I usually noticed he phrased it a bit differently or seemed to almost look at "another angle." (Not exactly, but I don't know how to express it better.) I'm thinking that these repetitions and the subtle differences in the presentation might be good to look into. I'm thinking at some point, I might reread with an eye to writing down the repeated material, copying what is said each time to look at it all side by side at some point. I'm not sure if it'll prove worthwhile, but I think there's only one way to find out.

I got a pleasant surprise from Mike. First of all, I got a text message from him. Not that this is a surprise, mind you. He sends me a text message at least two times a week, any more. He finds it more convenient than email. I can't imagine how, though. It takes way too much work to enter in any message of any length. But he manages to do it somehow. But like I said, that's not the surprising part of the email. The surprising part was part of the content.

He asked me what I was doing 2 October. He suggested that it would be a good day to get together if I was available. The only thing I was worried about is that my sister is planning a small birthday party for her oldest child and our father that weekend. So naturally, I had to make a frantic call home to find out when the party was. My luck turned out good, because she's planning the party for Friday night. So I'm free on Saturday. I was glad to hear this, because if she planned the party on Saturday. I was going to have a quandary. Gosh darn it, it's not every day that Mike messages me out of the blue and asks if I can get together with him on a certain day. And saying no on one of the few occasions he did would've just about killed me.

That's what really surprised me. It's been almost a month since I've asked him when we're going to be able to get together. Usually, I feel like I have to hound him and pester him to get an answer. And naturally, that leaves me feeling upset. After all, it's disheartening to feel like you have to pester your own boyfriend just to get time with him. So when he pretty much found a date and brought it up pretty much "out of the blue," it really lifted my spirits. It was good to get the feeling like he was putting in the effort to find some "us time."

Of course, in fairness, he probably puts in that effort a lot of times. Just I'm usually such a go-getter that I tend to start asking about it quite quickly. So most of it is probably just perceptual on my part. But it's nice to have this one instance. It really helps me to relax and soothe the insecurities.

I think I took my last outdoor walk of 2004. I had my light, nylon jacket on, and until I got heated up and sweating, I was pretty darn cold. I suppose I could keep the outdoor walks going if I switched over to my winter coat, but I'm not sure I want to do that, yet. Besides, that's only a temporary fix, and the way that the weather is feeling, it wouldn't last long. Soon, it will be my face, hands, and feet getting too cool. And I can't forget that my jeans are still pretty loose. No, I think it'll be better to switch to indoor walking. I'll just have to start going to the Pyramid Mall during lunch so that I can walk there. Though that mall is almost too small for a real walk.

My other option is to wait until after work and go to the Arnot mall so I can walk there. It's a larger mall and better for walking. But I think I prefer to walk during the middle of the day. I found it's helping me some with my appetite problems in the middle of the afternoon. If I get a good walk in just before I eat lunch, I find lunch much more satisfying and it seems to keep me satisfied longer. I don't exactly get that, since walking should increase my metabolism, causing my body to burn through the calories of lunch even quicker. There must be a piece to the equation I'm missing. Probably several, if I think about it.

Well, I guess it's time to write about the time of year. I've been putting it off because I don't want to, but it's been on my mind too much to avoid it any longer. I knew I'd have to get it out there sometime, so I might as well get it over with. This week marks the six year anniversary since the nuclear explosion between Z, S, and myself. It's hard to narrow it down past "this week," since the whole thing strung out over a period of seven to ten days. I mark the time period from when S sent me the "I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you for at least six months" email on 9 October and she replied to my email telling her off on 17 October with a statement that she didn't care what "my side of the story" was and made death threats. In between, both she and Z told me that they never wanted to talk to me again and lots of other nasty things. I grant you, some of them were deserved. I was no innocent, and I don't want to give the impression that I was, or the impression that I think I am.

I don't know, but part of me wonders if this is why I've been a bit morose and on edge lately. I've been trying to deny that, as I really don't want to admit that this might still bother me. But then again, the fact that it's on my mind suggests that it might. But then I find myself wondering. Am I morose and on edge because the time of year has reminded me of these past events? Or has my mood simply caused my mind to dredge all this back up. I suppose it doesn't matter. I suppose all that matters is that it's on my mind and I have to write it out.

Damn, I really didn't want to write about this. I'm not entirely sure I want to think about it. At least not in this emotional context. It's been six years. I've made new friends. I've met a wonderful man and I'm in a relationship I enjoy. I'd rather just let all the past hurts slip gently away. But I guess they have to do that in their own time, don't they?

The funny thing is, the whole thing with Z himself doesn't really bother me anymore. It seems to me that I made peace with him, and that's all water under the bridge. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't feel a tinge of something -- sadness maybe? -- over how things went with him. But there's a certain peace there. If not perfect, it's been resolved. But I don't have that feeling with S. Isn't it strange that the person I was theoretically closer to -- the one I had a romantic relationship and the first person I ever had sex with -- causes less of an emotional reaction than the one I was just friends with?

I suppose part of that is because of the betrayal involved. It's because I thought she and I were good friends. I let myself be vulnerable to her -- possibly in ways I wouldn't let myself be vulnerable to Z. And she betrayed that. Not only did she betray that, but she practically declared me evil incarnate, and I think that's what really hurt. I mean sure, I was in the wrong in some ways. But evil incarnate was pushing it a bit far.

I think it also is because I took her crap onto myself. For a while, I believed her accusations. I let myself be crushed by her hurtful words. In effect, the hurt and anger towards her is also partly the hurt and anger towards myself for accepting that kind of wounding. Maybe even for making myself vulnerable in the first place.

But I'm not angry at her anymore. At least not as near as I can tell. Anger takes up too much energy. It has to be constantly kindled, and I've quit wasting that energy. Heck, I can't even say that I hold her in contempt any more. Contrary to what I've often thought, I'm finding that just takes too much effort and energy, too.

Do you know what I do feel for her? Pity. And maybe a little sympathy. But mostly pity, I think. She reacted the way she did not just because she didn't know everything and made assumptions, but because she let her own emotional demons rule her reaction. And unless things have changed for her in the last six years, she's still living with that, and may have to live with that for the rest of her life. She's built a cage for herself out of the past and her own bitterness and anger, and she doesn't even see that she's trapped in it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she's moved on from that point in her life, breaking the bonds she helped strengthen. But I don't know if that's happened. All I know is what I saw. And it's that S of the past that I pity.

I hope I'm not doing the same thing. I want to be free of this past. And I think I've done my best to set myself right. I think I've broken many thigns that have held me from these betrayals and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize those that remain and the strength to break them as well when I do recognize them.

But I still find myself wondering why this is still coming to my mind.

It's a quiet night tonight. I'm sitting here listening to some music, enjoying the relative calmness of the house. I don't think that I appreciate that often enough. You would think that after the whirlwind of having my nieces and nephews here, I wouldn't take the quiet quite so much for granted. But there you go. Even I lose sight from time to time. (Does that sound as egotistical as I think it does? Oh well, a little ego in my diary is probably a good thing.)

As soon as I got home tonight, I decided to haul both loads of my laundry up the stairs. Then I dutifully folded them and put them away. Now I just have to get the last few dirty clothes into the hamper. I'll do that on my way to bed, since it's back upstairs and I'm feeling too lazy to get up and walk up there. It's funny though how a small, menial task like folding and putting away laundry can have an incredible effect on a person's state of mind. I found it very relaxing. I think it's because it gave me something to focus on, and for that few minutes that I was working on it, I was able to let all the crazy thoughts that whiz through my head while at work dissipate. And I was left with a moment of mental quiet -- relatively speaking, at least.

You know, as I think about that, I find myself wondering. Maybe the reason I don't appreciate the calm and quiet around here is because of the usual lack of quiet in my own mind. I usually let my mind jump from topic to topic to topic, back to the original topic so quickly. So I find myself in a constant state of mental chaos of sorts. So because of this, I expect my external surroundings to match this. I fill it with the noise of the television, the "noise" of several different conversations and message board discussions, and any other "noise" I can find. If I can't learn to quiet my own mind, how can I appreciate the quiet around me.

So, maybe it's time for some practical work here. Less noise in my life. Less noise in my mind. But the question is, how will I go about doing this. Perhaps I should start by finding that "menial task" to do each night, since it seems to help. I'm not sure what I'll come up with, but I think it's worth a try.

It's been a pretty good day. I went for my walk on my lunch break. That's the second one for this week. I need to get one more in. I'm looking at Saturday for that. I figure I'll give myself tomorrow off. Besides, I have to run out to lunch tomorrow. I figure I'll need the extra time to stand in line at Subway.

While I was at the mall today, I picked up Mike's Christmas present. I got him one of those "pictures in motion." They're a neat idea. Basically, they're a picture of some scene with water in it. There is a light behind the picture and there is some sort of mechanism that causes the light to shift slightly. The net result is that the water looks like it's actually flowing. The specific picture I got Mike has a watefall flowing into a pool. It's absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully, he likes it. I think he will, because he was practically cooing over such "moving pictures" when we saw them at the Carousel Mall. So when I found the same place had a kiosk set up at the Pyramid Mall, it became a pretty obvious gift idea.

This evening I tested my blood sugar when I got home. It was 55. Needless to say, everything got dropped and I made a quick hunt for food. I ended up having yogurt, six cups of popcorn (the proper serving I'd normally have in the evening is three cups), and a quarter cup of dried pineapple -- which had way too much sugar added. Frighteningly, though, when I tested my blood sugar again at 9:30 or so, it was still only up to a 78. This is just insane. I hope Dr. Lee changes my medications soon-ish.

I haven't put an update in here lately. I thought I'd go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.

We'll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.

I am leaving a number of message boards. I'm starting to discover that they're little more than "distractions" to me. I really don't get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don't have much to offer there, either. So it's time to "cut bait," so to speak.

In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won't be too far in the future.

I'm thinking over a couple of projects I'm considering working on. I don't want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it'd be good to indicate that I'm looking to make life more productive.

I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I'm not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.

Today was a very good day. I think my television stayed off for almost the entire day, which is a good thing. It's days like today that remind me that I watch the darn thing too much. This is sad because despite the fact that I tell myself I do it to relax, I don't find watching television all that relaxing.

What I did find relaxing today was taking a blanket outdoors and laying in the yard reading a books. It was quite peaceful and enjoyable. Since I laid out in the backyard inside the area that's fenced in, I also took Precious out with me. So my little kitty cat got to run around exploring her outdoor kingdom while I'd read. or she'd lay down on one of the flat stones in the shade. It was really quite cute.

Every now and then, Precious would decided she needed my affection. So she'd zoom over to me and meow at me. I'd set down my book (after all, paying attention to an affectionate cat is better than any book I've ever read), and pet her for a bit. After a few seconds, she'd decide that all was well with her world, and she'd zoom off to do her own thing. Thus freed up, I'd pick up my book and read another five or six pages before Little Miss Adventurous would decide to repeat the process. It was quite cute, really.

My book of choice was "Break Up or Break Through." I think I only have the current chapter to go plus two others. It's been a pretty good book. Or at least it's served my purposes. I think that under other circumstances, I'd find it way too much like other "self-help" books: insipid and with little real value. But at the same time, it's been good for me, because the author is trying to talk about self-exploration, personal growth, and healing. As these are all things that I know I need to work on and have an idea of how to go about it, I'm finding the book helpful just in the sense that I can use parts of it as a "personal checklist." I already understand the things she's talking about, and can actually do them on a practical level. So her book is just helping to remind me of the tools I already have and am already familiar with.

That is the number of words I have written, according to the unofficial, "lightweight" NaNoWriMo word counter. It's funny, because the Word Count utility in MS Word gives me a number that's about twenty words less. Oh well, I'm trying my best not to let the numbers get to me anyway.

Yes, I've decided to give my novel idea a try. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. I may decide to delete it all and call it a failure next week. But I've given it a start. And so far, I think it's been a pretty good start. And I'm thinking that maybe I can get a basic "skeleton" worked out and then go back to it after all this madness is over. After all, I feel I really need to research a few issues a bit more (maybe get some feedback from more experienced people). But then I'll at least have something to work with. Perhaps researching and rewriting will be easier than trying to do everything up front and then writing it all done. Only time will tell.

In other news, I went to Tinker Nature Park today. The World Wide Labyrinth Locator indicated they had a gravel and brick mideival labyrinth there, and it's about ten miles down the road from me. So I decided to check it out. It was pretty good, though I think I'd prefer to walk a labyrinth that had actual walls rather than one that's just laid out on a flat surface. I think the sense of beign physically enclosed would have added to the experience. But I guess we can't be too picky, can we.

While there, I also checked out some other parts of the park. It actually looks like a pretty neat place. I may suggest that Dad and I check it out together next Spring or Summer when he's up for an evening. I think he might enjoy the fitness trail. It seemed like a neat idea, and I'm considering doing it myself at some point. (We'll have to wait and see.) And I still need to check out the nature walk and nature trail itself. Not to mention the homestead and farm museum. It's quite a neat place. And to think, I've been living here for two months already and never realized all that was so close until today.

In case anyone's interested, I have started yet another new blog. Before everyone groans and call me crazy, let me explain that this is a specialty blog. To be specific, it's the site where I'm going to start posting all of my "Dear Lover" letters. For those who don't know what letters I'm talking about...well, read the blog!

Sunday, I ended up going over to the POC again. Originally, I figured I'd just stop by for a bit of "face time" and then leave after a few minutes. Well, as it turns out, I ended up staying for quite a while. They were sanding furniture to get it ready to be repainted. I'm not big on sanding and it's certainly not one of my strong points, but I decided to stick around and help out a little. After all, it meant being social and hanging out with other people. I've wanted a lot of that lately. And it was fun.

After working, a group of us decided to go out to supper together. We went to Denny's and had quite a good time. Of course, once again, I decided that I really wanted to skip the food and just take our server to go. His name was Jason. He must've been in his mid-twenties and let me just say that he was fine. Both of the women I was with agreed that my taste was impeccable. In fact, they pestered me about asking him for his phone number. I decided against it.

It was a tempting thought, if I could've ever gotten up the nerve to do it. I don't know, I'm still too afraid of rejection to ask a perfect stranger for his phone number or if he'd like to go out sometime. Of course, I also just feel I'm not ready to date someone. I realized the other day that there are just some things about my self-perception I need to change. Otherwise, I run the risk of expecting any boyfriend I have to make up for those issues, and that's not right. I'll probably write more about that sometime.

At any rate, it was a good day.

Earlier this morning, I realized that it was April 1. I then realized that it was April 1, 2006. That's exactly ten years after April 1, 1996. For those who might not be aware of it, April 1, 1996 was the day that I quit trying to "fix" my sexuality, and came out to both myself and my friend Merion. That means that as of about 8pm this evening, I have been "out" for ten years. So happy anniversary to me!

I'm not big on commemorating "life changing moments" every year. But for some reason, remembering my tenth coming out anniversary struck me as important today, so I thought I'd say a few things about it.

First of all, let me just reiterate that if you're about to come out to your best friend and you find yourself prefacing your announcement with the phrase, "Please bear in mind this isn't an April Fool's joke," you've probably chosen a bad day to come out. It's something that Merion and I have joked about every so often for the past ten years.

I remember that night with some amazing details. I remember meeting Merion in the small alcove where our Small Group Bible Study (the one I was helping to lead and that Merion used to attend) met on Wednesday night. My stomach was all in knots and I think I was visibly shaking. It took me several long moments of hesitation to get the words out. I had a certain feeling like this was it. Once I took this step, there was no going back. And it's hard to jump off the proverbial cliff like that. Ultimately, I'm glad I did and I've hardly looked back since, but my perspective was quite different back then.

Merion was momentarily stunned. I'm not sure whether she wasn't expecting it (if so, she may well be the only person who hadn't at least suspected something was up by then) or if she was just so surprised that I decided to tell her. She did tell me she was honored that I told her, which I sort of understand all of these years later. To me, it only made sense at the time. After all, she had come out to me the previous year.

I think that part of the reason thinking back to this event ten years ago is that it was my first "big change." Considering the number of changes I've been through in the last ten years -- including several changes in the past year -- thinking back to the event that "got the ball rolling," seems appropriate. I mean, on March 31, 1996, I was a "straight" (okay, that's not entirely true, but that's another complicated topic) evangelical Christian with highly conservative political leanings. The next day, I officially took the first step towards becoming the person I am today, a gay witch with a mostly left-leaning political outlook. Had you asked me back then if I ever thought I'd be where I am today, I think I would've laughed. Maybe even offended.

Isn't life strange?

I just finished watching Dorian Blues. It's a curious movie that I had never heard of until I ran across it in Blockbuster's tonight. I have to say that I'm glad I rented it, as it was well worth watching.

The movie centers on Dorian, a young man who discovers he's gay and attempts to deal with his self-discovery in light of his less than supportive family. The movie takes us through his senior year at college, his conversations with his therapist, his first sexual experience, his coming out experience, his first relationship in college, the eventual breakup, and the resulting depression. All through these experiences, Dorian consistently demonstrates himself an intelligent and wonderful man, held down by past hurts and his unwillingness to let them go.

Most of Dorian's problems stem from his relationship with his father, an overly demanding man whose general displeasure with his older son only became more intense when Dorian came out to him. This situation was further exacerbated by a mother who would do anything to avoid a confrontation and a younger brother, Nick, who loved Dorian but was constantly held up by their father as the "perfect" son, who Dorian should strive to be more like. This of course, created a strain in the two brothers' relationship, though the two tried their best to support each other in their own way. This emotional baggage weight down Dorian in every aspect of his life, causing him to be bitter and edgy. This cost him more than one friend and even the perfect relationship.

In the end, Dorian and Nick -- who had been visiting his older brother at NYU -- end up making the trip back home to attend their father's funeral. Their father had died of a heart attack due to stress -- most likely due to the fact that Nick had been cut from Syracuse University's football team earlier that week and had therefore lost his scholarship.

The bes scene of the movie was the conversation between Dorian and his mother outside the church just before his father's funeral. In it, his mother confronts her son about the fact that he had become mean and disapproving lik his father. She tells him, "I want you to be a good man, despite the fact that your father was never good to you...and your mother never stood up to him and made him stop."

I cannot express how appropriate this theme is. Far too often, coming to term with one's sexual orientation is the easy part. The hard part is learning to let go of all of those past hurts and fears, as well as the defense mechanisms and bitterness that we tend to build up in the process. Learning to let go of these things so that they don't continue to affect our current lives is a painful and difficult process. Watching this movie enabled me to revisit this lesson, identify with Dorian's character, and experience this letting go process one more time.

And I have to admit that scene where Dorian is franticly brushing his teeth was well worth a laugh.

Last Monday while shopping at OUTlandish Gifts, I bought a white tee shirt with "2QT2BSTR8" on the front of it. Today was the second day I've warn it. I have to admit that I've been enjoying people's reactions. Surprisingly (at least to me), a lot of people have to ask what it means ("Too cute to be straight," if anyone is wondering"). What's really funny is to watch how people react once I tell them. I think the most memorable incident was today with the guy at the T Mobile kiosk. Once he found out, his expression really changed. I somewhat got the impression that he wanted to make a negative comment about it. However, he also seemed to be struggling with the knowledge that he was in a bad position to do so, considering (a) he had originally asked me to stop just so he could read the shirt and (b) he still had to ask me what it means. It's kind of hard to complain about someone "flaunting" his sexuality when you've gone through so much effort to figure out that he's "flaunting" it. ;)

I didn't get the shirt with the intentions of making such political statements, though. While it's true that I got it to make my sexual orientation more visible, I did it for personal and romantic reasons rather than political ones. Truth be told, I don't feel I'm visible enough. And as I'd eventually like another chance at love without having to force myself to suffer through going to gay clubs, I need to find other ways to let the guys know I'm out there. Besides, I know from personal experience how difficult it is to even consider expressing interest in another guy if you're not even sure if he's gay (and how emotionally upsetting it is if you finally get up the courage to find out only to find ot he's not). So I figure I'll save any guy who's interested in me that bit of trouble.

There's another reason I got it, and this one is at least partly political. I got it as much for the part about being cute as I did for the part about being gay. In some ways, I'm currently at a point where I feel the need to express my own attractiveness despite not fitting some stereotype about what good looking guys are supposed to look like. So to me, wearing the shirt is about giving myself (and others) permission to think of me as "cute."

Over the weekend, I've decided that it's time to slowly institute some changes in my life. I'd love to say that I'm going to do them all, and that's my eventual desire, but I don't want to set up a goal I find I'm unable (or unwilling) to keep, only berate myself for the failure. So I think I'm going to make this a long term list of things I plan to accomplish over the next several months. Some of them may happen overnight, others may take a while. And some may be "hit or miss" in that I do them for a while, but then slack off. In that case, I'm giving myself permission ahead of time to accept it when it happens and just eventually start back up again.

First, I've decided I need to put some effort into decorating my house. I've already started by putting out my singing bowl and getting a bear figurine for the end table in the living room. And I have a plaque to hang by the door that says "Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much." I'll also have to figure out where I want to hang my picture of Icarus, and work on getting other items.

You see, I'm terrible at house-keeping. The living room is a complete mess, the kitchen table is all cluttered up (though it's a lot better now that I spent twenty minutes going through a lot of the clutter, tossing junk, and finding homes for some of the important stuff), and the carpet is in desparate need of vacuuming. I think the reason for this is that I don't think of this house as a home yet, so I don't treat it like my home. (I'd never be this messy in someone else's home, so why would I treat my own home like this?) So I think I need to invest a little time and effort into making the place look and feel like a home, my home. Hopefully, once I put the effort into it, I'll take more pride in it, and keep it a bit tidier.

The next thing I want to do is to spend more time out of the house on a regular basis. I've slowly been withdrawing into solitude, and that's not good. Last month, I realized that working on the POC was consuming too much of my time, so I backed off so I could have a life. Well, now it's time to have more of a life. I've spent all of last week and some of today out and about and it's done wonders for my state of mind, I think.

This is going to be hard for me to keep up with, though. It's going to be a mental juggling act for a while. After all, I'll still be going out on my own. And that means that there'll come a point were I'll start to wonder why I'm bothering. After all, what difference does it make whether I go out or stay in if I'm still on my own either way? But the going out is good. And it leaves open at least the possibility of interraction.

As an aside, I have noticed I've been a bit more social when in public recently. For example, while I was at Eastview Mall yesterday, I found myself walking behind this family. The little girl, about four or five I think, was pestering her mother, saying she wanted something. The mother turned to the little girl and said blatantly, "And I want a million dollars. Are you going to give it to me?" The little girl ran ahead (to bug her father I think) and I walked up next to the woman, smiled, and said, "I really loved your response," and we both laughed at that. I don't think I've ever done anything like that. Between that and making more eye contact (like turning around and saying "thank you" or "you too" to a store clerk when they wish me a good day as I'm leaving rather than just mumbling it as I continue out the door), I think I'm starting to make progress in being more socially engaging. Hopefully, this is a good sign that continues to develop into a lasting change.

I'm also working on getting more physical activity in throughout the week. My original goal (as of two weeks ago) was to go to the fitness center they just added to my apartment complex three times a week. I didn't meet that goal last week and probably won't this week. But considering the amount of time I was on the my feet at the zoo, in the malls, walking around downtown State College, walking along the Susquehanna River, and checking out Highland Park, I just don't feel it's been necessary. I've had plenty of physical activity.

One thing that's conspicuously absent from my list of goals is losing weight. Sure, that's something I want to do at some point. But I feel it needs to wait. I need to learn to like myself how I am now, I think. I need to allow myself to feel and be attractive at my current size. Once I do that, I think I'll have an easier time at setting, meeting, and maintaining weight loss goals. I think I'm currently sabotaging any such attempts with the belief that I'm not and can't be attractive. And by association, I think that means I subconsciously can't be thinner, because that would mean I'd also be good looking, which just can't happen. So I need to work on the mental block where I am now before I can effectively seek to change that part of myself. (Gee, I hope that makes sense to someone else.)

The next six months should be interesting.

I don't normall do "cut and paste" columns. However, Juliaki's insights on this particular topic was too perfect not to share her words. I'm thankful for her graciousness in allowing me to repost them here.

I asked the gods for support and guidance on my path. I asked them to help build me up so that I could go higher than I was, and closer to them. From out of the sky, a shower of boulders slid from the mountain and blocked my path, a pile of boulders higher than my height by far. I raised my fists to the heavens and yelled up to the gods, "I have always been good in your service. I have always done the best that I could. Now, when I ask for your help to rise above the challenges of the world for just a moment, you put obstacles in my way! Why have you done this to me? I ask you to remove them at once!"

The gods whispered to me, with patience so plain, "What you see as obstacles are actually blessings on your path. These obstacles, as you call them, are there so that you may use the will that we gave you to climb up and to rise above the challenges of the world for a moment. If you faced the challenges we gave you with the strength of spirit we put within you and worked through them with the courage of one who does instead of one who makes excuses, you would have risen above this challenge and been granted the wisdom of a wise vista."

"But you asked for your path to be clear, and it shall be given to you."

And with that, the boulders disappeared, leaving a flat road ahead of me. A road that looked the same as before, flat and unchanging. A road on which I could rise no higher, for I had rejected blessings as curses and demanded that convenience outweigh growth.

The following is an excerpt from a special journaling project I've started:

It wasn't until Serenity and Zech came along that I received enough encouragement to truly develop my inner writer. I had written a little at the end of college -- mostly to help myself cope with my coming out struggles -- and those two eventually got me to share. They both loved it and encouraged me to push myself further. I became more confident and open to showing others my work.

Of course, I know that's not true now. My writing is something that comes from within me, and is therefore not something they could take from me -- nor can anyone else. They could only take away their support. But now, I know I don't need it (and never did). I only need to connect to the writer within. He's al I need. I'm all I need. I can be my own encouragement.

Coming to this realization tonight was liberating and empowering in a way that really surprised me. Suddenly, I found myself feeling a whole lot more inspired. In fact, I'm seriously considering starting a fiction project in the near future.

Last Tuesday, I led the weekly meditation at the POC for the first time. Well, that's not entirely true. I was the de facto leader back on 11 July, the first night we ever held the weekly meditation group. However, I "cheated" that night and just played a CD of soft music, allowing everyone to meditate on their own. Last week was the first time that I actually took a more active role and led the group through a guided meditation. I found a written out meditation online that a group had posted after using it as a part of their Lammas ritual in a previous year, and printed it out to use.

I have to admit that it was somewhat of a frightening experience. While I have had a decent amount of experience meditating on my own and have even participated in a guided meditation, I had never acted as the leader in such a setting. To be honest, earlier that Tuesday, I sat at my desk asking myself why I let Michele and Belinda ever talk me into doing this.

But I rose to the challenge, set aside my own worries about my lack of experience and did what needed to be done. And the meditation turned out pretty good that night. I wouldn't say I did a perfect job, but I managed to perform well enough that everyone seemed to appreciate the experience. Two of those attending even commenting that it was the perfect meditation for them to go through due to the things they were dealing with in their own lives.

What a relief! It's comforting to know that I will be okay with this. I feel more confident that I will do okay when my turn to lead the group rolls around again. I know that things will go fine. I know that I'm ready to take on this and other responsibilities, despite my insecurities.

All the same, I'm glad that Æthon is in charge of tomorrow night's meditation.

I'm a bit of a tarot fan. I've collected a number of decks, as I find the artwork and the symbolism the artist puts into their interpretations. One of my all time favorite decks is The Robin Wood Tarot, named after its creator, artist and illustrator Robin Wood. Her deck has some absolutely beautiful artwork in it, and is an excellent blending of the symbolism traditionally (at least in the tradition of A.E. Waite and the Golden Dawn) associated with the tarot and her own ideas.

One of the cards in which Ms. Wood chose to go away from the traditional symbolism was major arcana card, The Devil. (A picture of this card from her deck can be found on the page linked to in the previous paragraph.) Whereas this card traditionally shows a demonic figure towering over two smaller figures in chains, Ms. Wood's deck shows two individuals in a dark hallway or tunnel, holding onto a large chest. This card happens to be one of my favorite cards in this deck because it captures my own feelings about the underlying meanings of "The Devil" in tarot. This card takes the "devil" and transmutes it from being about being in bondage to an external figure to an inner condition of self-imposed bondage.

If you look at the card closely, you will notice that the only thing truly in bondage in this picture is the chest that the figures are holding onto. In reality, the two individuals are completely free. At any moment, they could choose to let go of the chest and walk boldly into the daylight, escaping their "prison." And yet, they do not do this. Instead, they hold on to the chest, not willing to let it go.

The chest is partly open, showing its treasures inside. It is undoubtedly these treasures -- and the figures' desire for them -- that keep the "prisoners" in place. Their desire for riches and treasures prove greater than their desire for freedom, so they hold their place. Indeed, their desire for the treasure has probably convinced them that they themselves are in bondage, not recognizing their own complicity in their situation.

This message is further enhanced when you examine the chest itself. Its visible surfaces are covered in depictions of the primitive "monkey trap." This "trap" is nothing more than a coconut with a small hole drilled into it. Food is stuffed into the whole and the coconut is afixed so that it cannot be moved. When a monkey finds the coconut, it discovers the food. In its greedy hunger, the monkey will slip its hand through the hole in the coconut and seize the food. However, when it attempts to pull its hand back out, the hole proves too small to allow the monkey to extricate its prize-laden fist back out. Despite being frustrated by the trap, the monkey's greed for the food will keep it from releasing its prize and extricating itself from the trap. Indeed, the monkey will remain their, grasping its prize in frustration until the trapper comes to check the trap. Even while being killed, the monkey will resolutely hang onto its prize.

In this way, the chest in the card loudly proclaims its own nature to its "captives." But their greed blinds them to this, and they remain as "trapped" as the pictured monkeys.

Of course, like all tarot cards, there is a danger in reading this card too literally. Not all "treasures" have monetary value. Nor do all traps of this nature have physical bait. In reality, there are many things -- be they memories, relationships, or past experiences -- in our lives which we may be better off leaving behind. However, in some way, we believe ourselves to need them -- or at least to be better off with them. So we hold on to them, enduring whatever bondage they may hold us in. In time, we find ways to ignore the trap, or at least cease associating our choice to cling to the "treasure" with the resultant "bondage."

Robin Wood's card, "The Devil" reminds us to be mindful of these "traps." It calls us to ask ourselves if there is something we would be better off letting go of if it means increased freedom or peace.

The last couple of weeks have been more or less uneventful. Well, as long as you disregard the funeral I attended for a cousin. His battle with Parkinson's finally took a turn for the worse. It was a pretty good service and well attended. I particularly appreciated the number of firemen who came to the event. Not that this is entirely surprising. The fire department was a big part of Tim's life. Even after he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, he spent as much time as he could at the fire house, doing whatever jobs he could manage. The head of the department commented at the funeral that he was going to have to find four new volunteers to replace Tim.

My sister and her kids are in the area. She decided to make the drive up from Mississippi for the funeral. Her husband told her she had to stay for at least a week, though. So she's here until Monday. I plan on running down to my parents' house tomorrow and spending the day with her and the kids. It should be fun.

I think the lack of employment is starting to get to me on some level. So next week, I'll have to start getting more serious about the search for a job. I had really hoped one of the opportunities Rick and Kevin had found would pan out, but that doesn't appear to be the case. So it's time for me to get off my duff and take matters into my own hands again. The only down side to that is that I probably won't find something temporary. I really wanted that because I wanted to eventually go back to the company that moved me into this area.

I've started walking again. I haven't decided if I'm doing it to "lose weight' (probably not), exercise (again, not necessarily), or just for the fun of it (I'm leaning towards this answer). It's gotten me out of the house a bit more and that's been well worth it. I'm rediscovering that I really do like doing things like that.

I've also gone on a couple outtings with Becky, which is always nice. A couple Thursdays ago, we went to a local coffee shop. I had a delicious drink consisting of hot apple cider, caramel, and whipped cream. Then we just sat and talked. It was pleasant. And I got to check out a couple cute guys, which is always a plus.

I'm not sure how many people read this blog any more. I know I've been silent for almost a month now. To be honest, I've logged in to write something several times since my last entry, but have never been able to get past the blank textbox.

This is one of those cases where many aspects of my life have caused me to turn inward, to work on projects and go through things that I'm not ready to post about yet. There's just so much going on that still needs to be worked out in the stillness of my own mind before broadcast to the world, and as such, I leave what readers I may have wondering what's going on.

What I can say is that my spiritual life is getting rather interesting right now. There are certain things that I need to work on and certain changes in my life that I'm making in order to prepare for the "next big step." At some point, I hope to talk about some of that. But for now, I must leave it at this simple teaser.

I'm also working on a writing project, which I have several guides telling me will eventually coalesce into a publishable book. However, I'm in the very early stages of that process. Currently, I'm at the point where the project involves me spending regular times with a separate journal (as opposed to my "everyday" one) and writing about past experiences, people, and choices that I can remember, and my emotional reactions to them. It's been both a rewarding and trying process, as not all of the memories or the realizations related to them are entirely comfortable. They're not exactly painful, either. But they take a bit of processing at times.

One of the interesting things is that as I continue with this project, I find myself remembering little things that I had completely forgotten about, things that I haven't thought about in a decade or more. That in itself can be a bit shocking. Of course, on the flip side, it's also nice to suddenly discover that I have more memories of my life before high school than I might've thought. They're just there waiting to be found.

Of course, a side effect of this process is that I find myself growing nostalgiac. I find myself wondering what ever happened to old friends, old school chums, and even an old lover or two. I find myself wondering what kind of people they are today. After all, it's been at least a decade since I've seen some of them.

You can't go home again. But at least you can visit. Even if only in your mind.

Deck: Tarot of Transformation
Card: One of Disks
Keyphrase: Birth Into Form

This card has a number of eggs and seeds in the foreground. The largest egg is lying on the ground, surrounded with grass and other plants. A brown haze round it suggests a nest, cushioning the fragile container. The other eggs and seeds hover around and just above this one, suggesting an almost ethereal, not quite real quality to each of them.

In the center of each egg and seed is either a light spot -- suggesting an inner glow -- or a pattern. This hints of the new life growing within, waiting to burst forth when the time is right. It suggests the new beginnings that is so often assocated with the the one or ace card of each suit.

This card symbolizes and embodies that point in any process where an idea, concept, or thing first starts the journey out of the mental and/or spiritual realms to manifest in the physical world. It marks the transition from thinking and planning to acting and doing.

It's important to note that this card speaks not of the completion of that transition, but the process itself as it is occurring. A seed is not a plant, nor is an egg a chicken. It is merely the first physical stage, a tentative one at that, from which the end result will develop.

This transition stage is one of the most critical ones for any project, any goal, any dream, or anything else one hopes to manifest. Too often, that which was planned dies in this stage. We change our minds and don't move forward. We don't pay enough attention to the situation or properly nurture it through the gestation and birthing process. As a result, many of the seeds we bring into existence never properly develop and grow. Instead, they remain seeds until they die and eventually break down again.

This card calls us all to consider those things we'd like to gain or accomplish and the plans we have made. It encourages us to take that next step and put action to those plans and begin the birthing process. And it reminds us to guard the process carefully, so that our desires will ultimately have the opportunity to manifest.

Just last night, I started participating on a religious discussion message board on another site. I've met some interesting people, but I've also noticed there seems to be a very large contingent of people who are using the sight for a good bit of ego-stroking and demonstrating their own "spiritual superiority" (whether it takes the form of righteousness or enlightenment) at the expense of others. It makes for a harsh evironment, in many ways. I'm just hoping that those of us who are interested can create enough positive discussion to make it worthwhile.

But the big thing I noticed was how easy it would be for me to slip into the same kind of posturing. Each time I read an ego-driven post there, I find myself sorely tempted, almost eager, to tear the person down, with the painful realization that my own motives at heart are equally ego-driven. It troubles me how easily I could fall into that same trap just by being around it.

As such, I need to work on guarding myself against that temptation.

Deck: Robin Wood Tarot
Card: Seven of Swords

A man shrouded in a gray hooded cloak is climbing over a waist-high stone wall. Only eyes, nose, and mouth are visible from within the hood, wearing a scowl that suggests anger and bitterness. Sticking out from beneath the man's cloak are four swords, while a line of tents is visible in the background, suggesting an encampment from which the man stole his treasures. His left boot rests on a flat surface of stone that sticks out halfway down the visble side of the wall, aiding the man in his escape.

This sword speaks of ill-begotten gain, both material and intanglible things which we have aquired in less than honorable ways. Like the man on the card, we sneak away feeling that we have gained something, but at the expense of our own integrity. Most often, these occasions occur when we feel that we are due something and have been cheated out of it. After all, the expression on the man's face makes it clear that he feels that his pilfered blades are rightfully his. Perhaps he too feels that he was beguiled out of them unjustly and sees his thievery merely as the best way to rectify the situation.

However, this card reminds us that even the right result achieved in less than honorable ways robs us of something greater. While the man may be collecting what is rightfully his, his methods of doing so shall permanently mar him as someone who is slippery and less than trustworthy. Indeed, the relatively small size of his stepping stone in the escape -- barely big enough to rest his boot upon -- suggests a precarious path, and one that can easily result in a sudden downfall. And so it is with the path of going to dubious means to aquire our goals, no matter how noble they may ultimately be.

This card calls us to consider our methods of getting what we want and going where we want to be. It calls on us to be upright in our dealings, even when those we deal with fail to return the favor. After all, the way in which we make the journey for ourselves can have as lasting effect on us our final destination.

Deck: Robin Wood Tarot
Card: Seven of Pentacles

A young man, perhaps in his late twenties or thirties, stands in the middle ofthe card so that his upper body is visible. His hands rest ato one another, the fingers of his lefthand slightly curved downwards. The end of a handle -- perhaps to a shovel or a hoe -- pokes into the center of his left palm. He wears thick gloves and a canvas jacket, the perfect attire for yardwork or gardening. He also wears a grey hat with a brim and a green kerchief tied around his neck, the latter being reminiscent of a boy scout uniform.

Around him are numerous leafy plants, some of which are taller than him. The pentacles rest in the leaves of these plants, sugesting they grew from them. A partly cloudy sky overhead completes this idyllic scene, creating the perfect spot for the figure's quiet musings.

This card speaks of the relationship between effort and success. It reminds us that our projects are most successful and rewarding when we immerse ourselves in our work and lose ourselves in the process. The figure beckons us to find true enjoyment in the process as he has.

His stance also reminds us that there is no race. Great outcomes require us to lean to work through things and cultivate them over time and at an appropriate pace. The growth of green things cannot be rushed, nor can many other goals we may choose to work towards.

The kerchief suggests learning and kowledge of the ways of cultivation. In this respect, this card also reminds us to consult the sources of wisdom -- whether that wisdom comes from ourselves or others -- that will aid us in our work. Also, this card calls us to further develop that wisdom within ourselves as we proceed, as there's always ways for even a master to improve.

It is only by doing these things that our efforts can be as rewarding and fruitful as possible.