Category Archives: Introspection

Unsent Letter

Dear Z,

Well, hello there. I doubt you never expected me to write you another letter, did you? I mean, it’s been over four years since we’ve had any contact at all. I’m not sure you even think of me. I don’t know how I feel that. For the most part, I’m fine with it. You’re out of my life, I’ve moved on, and I’m happy to keep it that way. That’s while you’ll never actually “receive” this letter. But that’s okay. I’m not writing it for you. I’m writing it for me. So you’ll forgive me if I picture you on the other end reading this. I know it’ll never happen, but just picturing it makes me feel content.

I’m not sure what kind of letter this is going to be. I’m not entirely sure why I’m even writing it. I just know that even after all of this time, I still think of you every now and then. I even wrote a couple of diary entries about you last Fall. So I figured I’d write you a letter. I don’t know. Maybe this is my goodbye letter. Maybe some part of me hopes that once I write this, I can quit thinking about you from time to time. Though another part of me doubts that’s going to happen.

At any rate, I just wanted to share my thoughts and memories of “our” past with you. Even if I continue to think of you — and it’s not a totally terrible thing to think of you — at least I’ll have gotten a chance to express those thoughts. And I guess that’s all I really feel that I need right now. So anyway, here we go.

We broke up five and a half years ago. No, let’s rephrase that. You dumped me five and a half years ago. I’m not exactly bitter about that, you know. As I say it, I’m not even really angry about it. I just want to state how things went down clearly. Maybe it’s petty of me. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. But like I said, I’m not angry. In retrospect, I now realize that it was bound to happen.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I was angry with you once upon a time. But you know that, don’t you? I chewed you out in an email a year after the fact. What can I say? I’m human, and I get angry. I will neither excuse it nor rationalize it. Just don’t expect me to apologize for it, either.

Of course, in fairness, I don’t blame you for everything bad in that mess I thought of as a relationship. (I’m still not sure whether you ever actually considered it one.) I made my share of mistakes. I was less than a model boyfriend. And for that, I’m sorry. But I’ve grown since then.

I suppose most people would say the regretted the relationship and the breakup, considering how messy it was. But I’m not most people. I can only look back, nod, and say what a fool I was. But I also have to look at the path leading on from there and realize that my foolishness earned me wisdom. One of the people on a mailing list I frequent often comments that experience is the thing that you get after you needed it. I’ve always liked that saying since the first time I heard her utter it. I think that’s partly because that’s how I see the nightmare I went through with you.

I learned a lot about myself and relationships from dealing with the emotional rollercoaster dating you put me through. Or perhaps I should say that I discovered the kinds of things that I needed to unlearn because of it. Either way, it works. And it makes a lot of sense.

I’m dating a wonderful guy now. His name is Mike. We’ve been together for three years now. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it, though the relationship hasn’t always been easy. Like I said, I’ve had to unlearn a lot of things. I still have things I need to unlearn, but I’m doing better now. Unlearning is rough business. Especially because things go to hell until you do.

There were little things about Mike that would give me flashbacks to my experience with you. Like the way he’s so tightlipped with his feelings. He doesn’t wear his heart on his shirt sleeve like I do. So there have been times when I would see him not expressing how he felt, and it would terrify me. I’d become frightened that, like you, he would suddenly decide he doesn’t have feelings for me after all. And let’s face it, you did that more than once, despite the obvious truth to the contrary.

But I’m slowly learning something. There’s a huge difference between you and Mike. Mike simply feels uncomfortable expressing his feelings at any great depth. But he acknowledges that he has them. You’d never do that. Hell, half the time, you weren’t willing to admit your feelings to yourself. In a way, I kind of pity you for that. But understanding that has enabled me to start seeing Mike in a different way. I now can rest comfortable on the knowledge that he does have those feelings, regardless of whether he expresses them. Sure, I might have a moment’s insecurity. But I can let it wash over me, and then take a serious look at our relationship. And there comes a point when I can acknowledge that while my insecurity — while very real on an emotional level — is not rational. And I can live with the occasional irrational fear, I think. Especially considering that addressing them in this way seems to make them quite short-lived.

At one point, I think I was mad at you about all this. Or at least I think I thought that I was mad at you about all this. I was mad that I had to unlearn things. I was made that I found myself comparing Mike to you and getting all emotional on him. But in reality, I think was more mad at myself. I was frustrated.

You see, I’m not even sure how much of this was “you” at all. Oh sure, everything I’ve said about you is true. YOu did deny your feelings. You did vascillate on how you saw our relationship. You did put me through an emotional game. But in the end, I played that game. I stuck in there. And to be honest, you only played off of things going on in my own heart. I can’t help but wonder, if it hadn’t been you, would it have been someone else? I think it probably would’ve been.

Like I said, I’ve grown stronger. I’ve grown older. I’ve grown wiser. And I’ve been able to rebuild myself into a better person. And in a sense, this all came from my experiences with you. But don’t pat yourself on the back too much. As I said, I think that if I hadn’t gotten messed up with you, I would’ve experienced much the same with someone else. So I’m taking 95% of the credit for this myself. I’ll leave you 5%, just as a token of my love for you.

Yeah, that’s the strangest part. I still love you. I probably love you more now than I did back when we were together. But it’s a very different kind of love. For starters, it’s not the kind of love that I’d ever build a relationship on. I don’t see you that way at all. Besides, like I said, I’ve been with a man I dearly love in that way for three years.

Instead, it’s the kind of love that one has for past memories. It’s the kind of love that one has for people and experiences that have touched them somehow. Let’s face it, you were a part of my life. In a way, you still are a part of my life. I think you always will be. I’m not sure I’d want you to be an active part of my life, even as a friend. I’m just not sure how I feel about that. But my time with you has shaped what I am now, and that is something I will cherish and honor. After all, it’s a matter of cherishing and honoring myself. And I deserve that. I owe that to myself.

So there you go. Take care of yourself. And I hope that your own experiences have led you out of your own nightmare.

Love,
— Jarred.

Fun with lists

This is a “List of 100.” It’s an idea I’ve borrowed from a new journal book I’m reading. Yes, some of the items on the lists are repeats. That’s perfectly acceptable. The point of the exercise is to write things as they come to you. Writing repeats helps you to keep moving.

100 Things I like about myself
1. I’m funny.
2. I’m sensitive.
3. I like to express my feelings.
4. I can laugh at myself.
5. I love computers.
6. I’m willing to help others.
7. I’m a good listener.
8. I’m a sensualist.
9. I give good head.
10. I like to read.
11. I can figure out just about anything.
12. I can be quite committed when something matters to me.
13. I’m willing to consider the possibility that I’m wrong.
14. I like to play games.
15. I can usually understand other people’s perspectives.
16. I can still hold my own opinion despite what other people think.
17. I can usually get myself under control.
18. I’m more interesting in making my lover happy.
19. I’m very submissive.
20. I can trust people.
21. I can get along with most people.
22. I can keep my opinions to myself when I need to.
23. I have a decent idea of who I am.
24. I’m gay.
25. I can be very understanding.
26. I can be an intellectual.
27. I know how to listen.
28. I can make other people laugh, even when they’re down.
29. I have a killer smile.
30. I have a soothing voice.
31. I can sing well when I put my mind to it.
32. I know how to play.
33. I know what I want.
34. I’m learning how to stick up for myself.
35. I love stupid television shows.
36. I love stupid movies.
37. I’m a hopeless romantic at times.
38. I can be pragmatic.
39. I can make other people happy.
40. I can write.
41. I can sing.
42. I don’t stay angry for long.
43. I don’t generally hold grudges.
44. I can love with my whole heart.
45. I know how to let go.
46. I know how to make myself vulnerable.
47. I don’t let my fears control me.
48. I love animals.
49. I can get along with most animals.
50. I have a soft touch.
51. I know how to listen.
52. I usually give good advice.
53. I know enough not to give advice in some situations.
54. I can usually empathize with others.
55. I love animals.
56. I give good head.
57. I can drive far if something matters to me.
58. I can see others’ perspectives.
59. I know a bit about musical theory.
60. I can do things for others.
61. I’m very generous.
62. I can dance.
63. I took ballet in college for two semesters.
64. I don’t always take myself seriously.
65. I’m cute in my own way.
66. I’m very cuddly.
67. I’m physically affectionate.
68. I like talking to people.
69. I can spend time by myself.
70. I know how to relax.
71. I can usually put my life in perspective.
72. My moodiness never lasts long.
73. I like giving others gifts.
74. I can usually see things clearly.
75. I can usually get past my emotional reactions to things.
76. I like children.
77. I am very protective of my “family.”
78. I’m usually very respectful.
79. I can usually smile at a moment’s notice and make it look natural.
80. I’m learning to be comfortable with my own self.
81. I’m willing to try new things.
82. I want to play.
83. I prefer cuddling to sex.
84. I like to dance.
85. I can be creative.
86. I can be very symbolic.
87. I can make a serious commitment.
88. Other people are important to me.
89. I’m a man.
90. I can dance.
91. My computer is a big part of my life.
92. I can be very friendly.
93. People like me.
94. I’m adorable.
95. I can be funny when I’m ranting.
96. I like acting like a kid.
97. My life is pretty much how I want it.
98. I know I’m in control for the most part.
99. I don’t like superficiality.
100. My love life is wonderful.

Lazy Day

It’s been a pretty good day, really. I didn’t do a whole lot. I was lazy and laid about. I played a lot of video games. I’m currently getting hooked on Phantasy Star Online for the Game Cube. I know, I bought both the console and that game to do embedded Linux development and “home geek time.” But I figured, hey, why not get some good old fashioned game playing in at the same time. I just have to remind myself not to get addicted or something.

Of course, I never stay addicted to games long at all. I usually go nuts over them for about a week or two, and then I lose interest. It’s been over a decade since I played a game so religiously that I completely beat it. In fact, I think the last game I won straight through was the original Legend of Zelda. I wonder if I still have that game somewhere. I don’t even know where my NES console is.

But these days, things just don’t seem to hold my attention like that. I sometimes worry about that. Because it’s not just about games. I tend to be…easily distracted…about a lot of things. I sometimes wonder how well I can honestly commit to something. And that has me worried.

Though, to be honest, I do know that I can commit to things. After all, I’ve been committed to Mike. I mean, I’ve been with him for three years now, when some of my friends can’t understand why we’re taking things as slowly as we are. I have one friend who can’t understand how I can stick with someone who won’t even tell his family about me. That kind of commitment has to count for something, right?

Of course, that’s something that bugs me about some of my friends. A few of them seem to have a preconceived notion about what my relationship would be like. And they tend to make it well known at times. That gets very frustrating. No one likes to feel like they have to “defend” their relationships. It’s something I understand about Christy very well. She occasionally complains about how people criticize her relationship with Noah, and I don’t blame her. I feel the same way at times.

A bit of housecleaning, maybe?

Today is one of those peaceful, quiet days. I have absolutely no plans. I was originally going to see Susan, but she had to cancel her trip up this way. And while I’m sad that I don’t get to see her this weekend, I’m also glad to have the weekend to myself. I need the break. I think I needed the downtime to get some really good relaxation in.

I think I’m going to spend a good portion of the weekend reading. I really need to get started on The Triumph of the Moon. The online discussion group is already on chapter 11, and I haven’t even finished chapter 1 yet. I’ve been so bad about my reading. I’m hoping to manage to get through at least a few chapters this weekend. It’ll help if I can keep my commitment to keep the television off most of the time. I watched television from noon until 2pm today, and I’m going to try to keep it off the rest of the day. I’m thinking aobut doing the same thing tomorrow.

I also started a new book last night before bed. It’s one that I ordered through Amazon.com last week. It’s called Journal to the Self. Yes, I’m reading yet another journal book. What can I say? I’m a sucker for that sort of thing. I guess I’m mostly just looking for more ideas. I’m looking to improve my journal writing.

I guess in a lot of ways, I’m just trying to improve what I get out of my journals. In a lot of ways, I feel like my journal writing has suffered lately. Hell, a lot of things in my life have suffered lately. And I don’t know entirely why. And something tells me that it’s time to look within.

I mean, sure, I’ve blamed it on finding out that Precious has FeLV at one point. I could go on about what work’s been like recently. I could even complain that I haven’t seen Mike lately. But these all feel like excuses to me. They really have nothing to do with it. It has to do with me.

I feel like I’m stagnating. I feel like I’m not doing anything. And I’m not entirely sure why. Is it just a lack of motivation? Where has my motivation gone, anyway? Or is it a matter of a lack of self-discipline. I know I have self-discipline problems, and I’m trying to figure out how to resolve them. But the difficulty there seems to be that improving self-discipline almost requires self-discipline itself. So what’s a guy to do?

And of course, then there’s the fact that I just skimmed over my last paragraph and I’m having trouble resisting the urge to delete it. I read it, and my first reaction is to chide myself for whining and complaining. But maybe that’s what I need right now. Maybe I just need to get a few of these things off my chest. Then maybe, just maybe, I can start looking at myself and my life and get things moving in the right direction again. That’s what I’m hoping for.