Recently in Personal Development Category

I remember how frustrated Diane, our old IVCF staff worker, used to get with me my sophomore year in college.  I had decided to get involved in IVCF leadership that year and had taken a position on the chapter's executive board.  It quickly became apparent that I was not well suited or that kind of leadership.  My outlook was simply more relational.

The scene played out several times, varying only in details.  The day of a meeting would roll around, and I'd be talking to someone.  The conversation would be deep and personal, as I was never good at small talk and people tend to spill their guts around me anyway.  I'd note the time and decide that continuing the conversation was important than getting to my meeting on time.  Often, I wouldn't make it to the meeting at all.  This would frustrate Diane to no end, adn she'd try to get me to understand that while relationships were important, always breaking my other commitments for the sake of a conversation wasn't entirely right either.  I don't think she ever got very far with me on that score.  Eventualy, we agreed to muddle through the rest of the year.  We also agreed that I'd take a role the following year that would be better suited to my nature.

I've grown a lot in the fifteen years that have passed since then.  As a more mature person, I can now more readily see Diane's point more clearly.  And I'm more likely to judge a relational need more carefully these days, taking into account how immediate the need is, how serious my other commitments are, and other such factors.  Today, there's a real possibility that I'll say, "This is important.  I care and I want to be there for you.  But can we talk about it in a couple of hours?"

But I'm still mainly relationally oriented.  I'll keep my commitments to activities like meetings to a minimum.  The difference, however, is that I'm less likely to take on sucha  commitment in the first place, rather than taking it on and then breakign it later.  Because I'd rather have my time free so I can listen to people.  I understand that now.  And I allow for that preference reponsibly.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

--Mohandas Gandhi

I never heard of the above quote by Gandhi before.  That's a shame, as it encapsulates something I've been thinking and saying for a long time.  We have to be free to make mistakes.  We have to be free to be wrong.  Until we can grant ourselves that freedom, we cannot grant ourselves any freedom.  Because any course of action we might take will be bound up by fears.

When faced with a choice, there's always that chance we will make a bad choice.  It's a fact of reality.  We may do our best to make the most informed choices humanly possible.  But there's no such thing as total knowledge.  There's no such thing as being perfectly informed.  So sometimes, we make a bad choice on our imperfect information.  We either accept that possibility, or we rob ourselves of the ability to act at all, out of fear of doing exactly that.

And truth be told, why not allow ourselves the freedom to make a wrong choice?  Is making a wrong choice really such a bad thing?  Certainly, wrong choices can cause problems.  (But then, so can right choices.)  And wrong choices can hurt people.  (But then, so can right choices.)  But in my experience, there are few situations where the the choices and their results are so awful, so irreversible, that it would spell the end of the world, or the end of anything at all.

In most cases, a wrong choice leads to a mess that can be cleaned up.  So we clean up the mess, we repair the damage the wrong choice created, and we learn from the experience.  What's more, we're probably better equipped to make better choices in the future because of that learning experience.  That's the gift of allowing ourselves the freedom to be wrong.

I would rather make a thousand mistakes then never make any choices because I'm frozen by the fear of being wrong.

Last Tuesday evening, a woman working one of the kiosks stopped me while I was headed out of the mall. She asked me if she could ask me a question, and I foolishly answered in the affirmative. She ended up grabbing my right thumb and began to work on it with the "miracle three step nail smoother and polisher" she was trying to sell. So she spent three to four minutes going through her lengthy spiel (which I admit was quite entertaining) while she smoothed, buffed, and shined my thumbnail. When she was done, she had me hold my thumbs side by side and compare the nails. Sure enough, my right thumbnail was much shinier, smoother, and nicer to look at. Of course, at this point, the woman encouraged me to buy the whole nail care package she was offering for $40. (When I said no, she offered to go as low as $25.)

The woman made one critical error in her pitch. She was trying to convince me to buy the kit for my sister or my mother. (We had already established the fact that I'm single by the close of her spiel.) It never once occurred to her that I might like to have smooth, shiny nails. In fact, I would encourage anyone selling any sort of "beauty product" to never overlook the possibility that the man you're talking to is either a metrosexual or a gay man. (Okay, in the latter case, it also helps if said gay man also happens to be a bit on the "girly" side.) Had she managed to appeal to my own sense of vanity, she might have made the sale.

As it turns out, she made a sale for Wal-Mart instead. As I walked away looking at my shiny thumbnail and thinking I really did like the way it looked, it occurred to me that just about any department store probably carries a similar product. So today after lunch, I wandered off to Wal-Mart and looked through their nail care aisle. Sure enough, I found a similar three-step tool for working on my nails. (They had a seven-step tool as well, but that just seemed way to complicated for me. I'm not that vain -- at least not yet.) And the silly thing cost me $1.05 rather than $25.

Granted, the $25 kit the woman tried to sell me had much more in it. But she didn't really demonstrate or otherwise do a good job of selling the rest of the kits contents. So I got just what I was looking for and did so inexpensively.

As soon as I got home, I gave my new toy a try. I actually think my nails turned out pretty well. They're not perfect, and I suspect that's because I need a bit more practice (and patience) to get everything just right. But they certainly look better than they did.

And there's just something about making my nails look nice that makes me feel good about myself. I guess it's a pampering thing.

This afternoon, I decided to go to the psychic fair at the Henrietta Holiday Inn. While there, I decided to get an aura portrait reading (that's where the psychic sketches the colors in your aura and explain what they mean and how it's affecting your life) by one of the people there. The theme of my reading was that I need to begin working more on integrating my spirituality into the rest of my life. This wasn't a surprising message, because I've been getting it from different angles. In fact, over the past couple of weeks, I'd say the gods have gotten more aggressive about this message. In fact, I think they've gotten to the point where they're basically saying "do this or we're going to do it for you."

For example, a couple Saturdays ago, Marina invited myself and Rudi (a former dancer in the company) to come to her home for lunch after the beginner's jazz dance class. While there, I mentioned that I had to run to Psychic's Thyme at some point that afternoon. Of course, the other two asked me what that was, so I told them. I ended up telling them about my spiritual interests, which fascinated both of them. I ended up telling them about a couple of my experiences with seeing spirits (to my credit, I'm getting better at being open about the fact that I'm developing my abilities as a medium). By the end of the discussion, they both decided they want me to give them a reading after next Saturday's class. And Marina has gone on to tell at least one other person (a student in her intermediate class) associated with the company about my interests. I suspect that by the time she's done, everyone in or associated with the company will know. Hopefully, they're all as open-minded as Marina and Rudi were. (Actually, I'll be happy as long as no one tries to perform an exorcism on me.)

The second example of this came during this past week. When I got a break from work, I decided to quickly check my site stats for this blog. While checking them out, I discovered that someone visited my site from work on Thursday afternoon. I was quite surprised by this, and quickly confirmed that it wasn't a visit I made myself. As I dug into this (I even downloaded the server logs for that day so I could check the parts of my domain that my two Sitemeter accounts don't cover), I discovered that my visitor must have found my site at least somewhat fascinating. While they read only a couple of archives and two individual posts from this blog, they also visited my Dear Lover, Journey (I guess I'm out at work now!), my main site, and my photo albums.

I'm not sure how they found my site. The logs indicate there was no referring site, which suggests they typed the address in directly. I asked the two people at work who I thought it could be, but they admitted that they didn't even know I had my own website. So I'm completely mystified. I really don't care that someone from work read it all. They didn't really find out anything I'm trying to hide. (I'm smart enough to avoid posting anything I want to keep secret.) Though I do hope that they talk to me about it at some point. I'd like to know who it was, especially considering the significant amount of surfing they did.

So yeah, it would seem that everything in my life is coming together. I think I'm okay with that, though. I'm just a bit shell-shocked.

As I began my trip back home, yesterday, I stopped at the Acorn market to refuel. After refueling I stepped inside to use the ATM and restrooms. While standing at the ATM, I overheard a small group of women talking and looking at the map hanging on a nearby bulletin board. They were trying to find where they were. I tried to tell them where to look and then offered to show them as soon as I was done at the ATM. Once I had my money and receipt in hand, I stepped over, did a quick scan of the map, and pointed at the cigarette burn that used to be the intersection of Rt. 15 and Rt 328 on the map.

"Oh, so we should be in New York soon!" one woman said in relief. I agreed and asked them where they were headed. "Niagara Falls," she replied. I asked her about the route they were taking, and she confessed he didn't really know because they were using a GPS. (This is a somewhat common side effect of using a GPS for travel that I simply don't comprehend.)

We then spent a few minutes talking about their plans, and I recommended a few things in the Niagara Falls area I enjoy doing. We then talked about their larger trip, which includes an earlier stop at Hershey and a future excursion into New York City. The conversation lasted about five minutes as we all waited our respective turn to use the restrooms.

As I thought about it later, I was amazed at this further evidence of some of the changes I've gone through. While my father has certainly been the kind to strike up conversations with random people on the road, it's not something I've ever shown either an interest or ability in doing. And yet, here I was, engaging in a conversation that would come perfectly naturally for Dad, and I was finding it equally natural and comfortable for myself, too.

What happened to the shy, socially incompetent guy I used to be? How did I become this self confident, only slightly socially incompetent guy who spoke with ease to a group of perfect strangers?

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. It's just surprising.

This past Saturday, I took my parents out to dinner at TGIFriday's. While there, our waitress asked me about my pendants. I normally wear two pendants:

1. A silver pentagram which is a little bigger than a dime. It has a bear at the top point, walking on all fours.
2. A brass spherical cage, which contains a piece of amber resin.

Both pendants are religious in nature and are deeply personal to me. I've had a handful of people ask about them, and I'm usually quite happy to answer their questions. In fact, the only two times I'm hesitant to say anything are as follows:

1. When I'm at work (or a work-related function) and there are customers around
2. When I'm with my parents, especially my mother

Sadly, this situation falls into that second category. And I could already see my mother's expression when the waitress asked about it. The problem with being the sole witch in a family that consists mostly of evangelical (and even fundamentalist) Christians is that it can certainly strain family relationships a bit.

After a brief hesitation, I simply told the waitress that they are religious symbols of significance to me. I think she realized I was being somewhat avoidant (and I hated that I was being avoidant) and let the matter drop. Fortunately, the subject quickly changed.

Then again, maybe that's not so fortunate. One of the messages that I keep getting over and over is that I need to be more open with my family. I need to let them into all aspects of my life. The problem is, that's difficult when there are certain aspects of it that they don't really care for. Certain subjects cause hackles to raise.

In fairness to my parents, it's not just them, either. Any time the subject of my faith comes up around family, I get defensive. I automatically expect a problem. And that's not fair. Not only that, I'm beginning to wonder if on some levels, my own family is unconscioually reacting to my own defensiveness. It wouldn't surprise me.

But at the same time, I still haven't found a good way to overcome my first reaction in such situations.

Through Benton Quest, I found out about the yearly efforts of Kelly Stern to spread a bit of pride on the blogosphere during Gay Pride Month. In addition to supplying his yearly picture, Kelly has also asked everyone to post a story -- their coming out story being the most obvious choice -- with the image. As I have an entire subdomain dedicated to my journey to sexual acceptance (And I hope to update it in the next couple months), I won't reproduce my coming out story here.

Instead, I'd like to take this moment to talk about why my coming out story matters to me and the implications that my coming out has had for the rest of my life. You see, to my mind, my coming out represented the beginning of a much larger process, my journey to freedom and self-discovery.

Before coming out, I was trapped in a certain self-image, one built on ideas of who I was supposed to be, how I was supposed to behave, and how I was supposed to interact with the world around me. I had accepted others' (and many people were part of that group) expectations and limitations, and tried to fit the mold set out for me.

Coming out as gay was the first step I took in breaking and rejecting that mold. It was the first time where I said, "No, this is not who I am." And in that moment, I was able to ask the frightening, yet liberating question that followed, "Then who am I?"

At that moment, the journey to answer that question began, because I gave myself permission to seek that answer, no matter what. It started out slow and certainly was rocky at times. Indeed, there were more than a few times when I looked back at that broken mold that I hadn't entirely discarded and worried that I was drifting too far from who I should be. But as time went by, I realized that I needed to let myself discover who I was and not worry so much about who I should be.

Years later, I'm still working on answering that question. But as time goes by, I'm finding that I like the answer I have so far more and more. And in that, I have found increasing freedom.

Back in November, I wrote about noticing a picture from my past while visiting my parents. While at my parents' house for Easter, I decided to scan a copy of it. So now, you can all see how incredibly good I looked back in the Summer of 1991.

I'm actually quite pleased with how well the scan came out. I commented to my parents that if I had made the printed copy I made the same size as the original, I could've just about swapped them without anyone noticing.

One thing I did note about the picture is my eyes. I didn't go in for the second surgery (the reasonably successful one) to correct my lazy eye until my late twenties. So if you look at this picture closely enough, you can make out where they were misaligned at the time. It's something I never thought about back then unless someone asked me about it. But now, it just seems so strange. It makes me wonder how much it actually did effect my feelings about myself on a subconscious level at the time.

I can still see a lot of myself in this picture, really. I have a receding hairline now, and my stomach is considerably larger, though I'm slowly working on changing the latter. (I think I'm on the brink of dropping another waist size.)

And for anyone who wants to know, the tee shirt says, "In the market for a new brain." It was my favorite shirt back then. Of course, that was also back when a lot of my classmates would ask if they could have my old one. ;)

Yesterday, I did something I haven't done in almost two and a half years. I went grocery shopping.

I tried grocery shopping and cooking for myself when I first moved to Rochester. I think that lasted for about a month before I decided it was too much bother. I just found the idea of running home after work and cooking my own food to be a nuisance. So I started ordering takeout, ordering delivery, grabbing a sub on the way home, and even eating out most of the time. I even started buying food items for lunch and breakfast at convenience stores.

And for two and a half years, this arrangement worked perfectly for me. I had the excess cash flow to support expense of that kind of lifestyle, so it was comfortable. However, now that various factors -- like starting to contribute to my company's 401k plan and the extra expense of taking dance classes -- have altered my (non-existent) budget to the point where I'm just barely breaking even each month.

As such, I've decided it's time to change my eating habits. This week, I decided to start with something simple: Buying groceries and putting together my own lunches and breakfasts rather than buying something "on the run." The net result is that I covered two thirds of my meal requirements this week on about one fourth of my typical food bill for a week. It's actually kind of depressing to realize how much money I have been wasting due to overspending.

I figure I'd start with just lunches and breakfasts for now, as well as dinner for the two nights I need a quick bite before dance class. For most dinners, I'll still buy something or eat out for the next week or two. So my spending won't be completely minimized, but I'm hoping to at least put a bit more of a buffer between my income and my total expenses.

I'm also working on bringing my own snacks to work, which is my other big expense. This will have the advantage of being cheaper as well as healthier for me. Granted, I don't expect my trips to the candy machine to disappear immediately. (If that was the case, I already failed on my first day.) But overall, I hope this will help cut down on my spending even more.

I actually got a huge compliment from the woman in front of me in the checkout line. She glanced over my pile of items, which consisted mostly of yogurts, fruits, and stuff to make salads (as well as a couple pre-made salads at real good prices) and wraps. She smiled and said that I had an extremely healthy selection. In fact, her exact words were that her nutritionist would be pleased and proud of my groceries. I smiled and thanked her. Eating healthier isn't one of my primary goals in doing this (I actually feel I do pretty good at that anyway), but it should be a nice side effect of the process.

Originally posted to Multiply on 6 February 2008.

I've spent the last couple of days thinking about my story about coming out to my parents. I feel like there was so much that I left out. Of course, when I shared them during the panel discussion, I naturally had to keep my comments short, and this meant an extremely abbreviated story. So I shared what I felt were the most relevant points at the time.

However, now that I have more time to spend, I feel it's important to share a bit more. After all, when I talked about how much time it's taken my parents to work through everything, I felt like I was attributing it to them. That's not entirely accurate. In retrospect, I made my own share of mistakes which has probably prolonged the reconciliation process.

The most immediate example is the fact that I came out to my parents well before I was ready. After all, I had only come to accept my sexuality a scant two months before I told my parents. So in reality, I was still emotionally processing everything myself.

Mind you, I don't regret my choice to come out so quickly, mainly because it was the right choice at the time. The week before I had that fateful conversation with my mother, I had made another poor choice, the choice to tell another person about my sexual orientation. Telling that particular person was a horrible error in judgment on my part, and I can only say that I did so in a moment of emotional weakness.

The problem was, I knew that this particular person sometimes wasn't the best at keeping secrets, and I was concerned that news of my revelation could get back to my parents. When I realized this, I decided that if my parents were going to find out, I wanted it to come from me. So I I made my decision to make sure that's exactly what happened.

I made what I still believe was the moral choice. However, the moral choice meant trying to deal with my parents' reactions to my sexuality while still trying to go through the emotional healing and self-acceptance process myself. That was a high price to pay, and I probably wasn't always as understanding and patient with my parents as a result.

Another choice I made -- and I'm not sure whether this one was ultimately a mistake or not -- is that I backed off once I told my mother. Because of her reaction, I let the whole topic drop for a long time. I didn't deny my sexuality, but I didn't bring it up either. I didn't correct my mother a year later when I moved back home and she told me that I wasn't allowed to have "overnight guests of the female persuasion." (Actually, I snickered to myself, thinking that wouldn't be a difficult rule to keep.) In effect, I did allow my parents to linger in their denial and otherwise ignore the whole matter.

Was that a mistake? I don't really know. In some ways, I wonder if I might have sped up the process if I had pushed the issue a bit more at crucial moments. But then, I also think that maybe they really did need that time.

Then there was an incident that I'm almost positive I made a mistake. It was back during the first few months when I was dating Mike. I had met him and taken a picture of him. One day, I printed out a picture of him because I was going to visit friends and wanted to show them what he looked like. My mother saw the picture and asked who he was. I told her he was a friend and left it a that.

I think she knew I wasn't being completely honest with my answer. In fact, even back then, I had the impression she was looking for the real answer. But I chose not to tell her he was my boyfriend. I was afraid to admit it. I was afraid she'd once again go into a tense and brooding silence as a result. And I didn't want to deal with that at the time.

In retrospect, I think she was trying to bridge that gulf of silence that had developed between us when she asked about Mike. Instead of responding with honesty, I chose to reward her efforts by maintaining the wall between us. I have to ask myself what percentage of responsibility for the time it's taken us to be more open since then lies on my shoulders because of that choices. And I wonder what other ways I've shut my parents out without realizing it.

It's something I've been working on recently. That's partly due to my friend, Amy, who did a reading for me while we were at the Naturist Retreat this past August. She told me that I needed to share all of my life with my mother. And as Amy predicted, Mom's been fairly open to it.

Originally posted to Multiply on 3 February 2008.

Two weeks ago, I started taking dance classes. Half my friends are laughing over the whole thing, but all of them are being relatively supportive.

This is not the first time that I've taken a dance class, mind you. My junior year in college, I took two semester's of dance class. I took the first semester because it counted against my phys ed requirement to graduate. I figured it was a nice alternative to trying to play a sport (I have yet to find one I'm not awful at) or go fly fishing (which I despise). So when my housemate suggested Joan's dance class, I decided it was worth a shot. I ended up taking the class for the second semester simply because I enjoyed it.

A few weeks ago, I noticed some cookbooks on a table at work for sale. After reading the material next to the cookbooks, I learned that they were to raise money for the Park Avenue Dance Company. I also found out which coworker brought them in and inquired as to his involvement with the organization. As it turns out, he's one of their dancers.

As we briefly discussed the matter, he suggested I give one of their dance classes a try. As I had already been thinking about it (I had already checked out their website), it didn't take him much time to convince me. The following Tuesday, I took my bag of with workout clothes over to the dance studio and had my first class.

I've had three more classes since that night and have loved every minute of it. In fact, I'm reaching the point where I feel like the class is the highlight of my week. I enjoy dance that much. In fact, I forgot just how much I enjoyed it.

It's been close to thirteen years since Joan's class. And while Joan's class primarily focused on ballet, Christine's class is more contemporary, which means that I've had to relearn a few things anyway. However, I have noticed that a lot of the work at the bar is the same, which is why I seem to be picking that up pretty fast. Now if I can get just as good at the rest of it all. But I'm making slow progress.

One nice thing about the class is that it's an answer to my concern about exercise during the cold months. Now I have at least one hour a week of good exercise planned -- exercise which is far more intense than the walking I normally do, anyway. I'm also considering picking up the Wednesday night class, which is 99% floor and bar exercises. Add to that the fact that I hope to eventually start practicing the routines at home (I'm still trying to learn them right now and don't wish to practice them "wrong"), and I should have no problems maintaining my physical activity year round.

And of course, I want to try the jazz class someday. But I think I need to get more comfortable with the contemporary dance stuff before I confuse myself with a second style and instructor.

After watching other people do likewise, I decided to take some time this month to set out my goals for this coming year. I realize I'm a bit late, considering we're already three days into the new year, but I figure it's better to be late than to never do it at all. Besides, I did some of my goal setting at Yule, so in some respects, I was ahead of the game.

1. Lead more rituals.

This is actually a goal that was set for me. The Yule ritual last month was just the beginning. I have agreed (not quite at knifepoint) to plan the rituals for the two equinoxes and two solstices in 2008. To be honest, I need the experience, and it's just time for me to continue.

2. Share what I know and what I've learned.

This goal is a bit vague because I'm not sure how it's going to play out right yet. All I know is that I need to start sharing with others what I've learned over the past few years, even as my own learning process continues. This may mean some classes and/or workshops in the local community. Or it may mean signing up to lead a workshop at the Naturist Festival this August (as I'm pretty sure I'll be going again). But at any rate, it's time for me to start contributing in this arena.

3. Continue to become more social.

This one isn't so much a new goal as a continuation of a theme from last year. I've gotten out to meet more people, and I've even learned to do a better job of stepping out socially rather than hoping people will seek me out or otherwise find me. I simply need to continue this trend and improve on the progress I've already made.

4. Continue the exercise trend.

Last summer saw me walking regularly. When the weather warms back up, I'm going to be right back out there. In the meantime, I'm also going to try to keep some level of exercise going on, though probably not to the same degree. But I figure if I can make it over to the fitness center for an hour or two every week, that should hold me over until the summer returns.

I'm simply decided that my real form of exercise is and will remain walking. Nothing works as well for me. New Year's Day, I walked down to the 7-11 and back, which is about a mile in each direction. Despite the snow and cold air, I loved it. Riding a stationary bike is exercise and work. Going for a nice walk is pure joy.

On the bright side, the time I'm spending at the fitness center appears to be enough to maintain the reduced waist size I reached towards the end of last year.

Pam over at Willful Grace created a wonderful post in which she describes the major events in her life in each of the last twelve months as well as the lessons she learned from those events. It's a fantastic post and I encourage everyone to read it.

More importantly, Pam inspired me to do something similar. Sadly, my post won't be nearly as organized or well thought out as Pam's is. To be honest, I don't think I could come up with a single even for every month since last January. And besides, there are a couple of months that I doubt I could boil down into a single event or a single lesson learned from the events of some months.

The good news is that I'm not in a competition with Pam, so I'm under neither obligation nor pressure to match her excellent post. This gives me the freedom to simply allow her to inspire me and see where the inspiration takes me. So for that, I'd like to say thank you to her. And without further ado, I devote this post to the highlights of the previous year of my life.

I think that the first major highlight of the year came in February, when I met Rob. I didn't talk about Rob much in this blog, and there's a good reason for it. Rob represented the first time that a potential (and real, however temporary) love interest actually read my blog. As such, I struggled with finding the balance of what I could say, knowing that I didn't want to reveal anything I hadn't already discussed with him. After all, reading about what another person is feeling about you in his blog rather than firsthand strikes me as a horrible thing.

Rob found me online -- on Valentine's Day no less -- and contacted me to express a desire to get to know me and explore the possibility of a relationship. In many ways, we hit it off quite well. And I have to admit that I was swept off my feet. Rob was the first guy to actually pursue me. (Usually, I've had to chase after the other guy.) I learned just how much I could enjoy being the object of pursuit. In fact, I'd say that one of the things I learned about myself due to my encounter with Rob is that I like a slightly aggressive guy.

Sadly, things with Rob were fast-paced and terribly short lived. After a few dates and immediately after our first night together, Rob decided I wasn't what he was looking for after all. I have to admit that after being pursued that hard and dropped just as quickly, I was stinging. Though I did learn an important lesson in that respect, too. My guides tried to tell me things were going too fast and I should slow things back down. But I allowed myself to get carried away in the heat of the moment.

Of course, I don't think things would've ended any differently. After much time, I realize that Rob and I just weren't right for each other. And that would've been the case no matter how slowly we took things. Though I do admit that I wonder if slowing down would've enabled us to realize this before we took things as far as we did, saving at least some heartache. So the lesson I learned from that is that when spirit says slow down, it's best to listen, even if you are enjoying the heat of the moment.

March and April brought new choices with them. After the events of February, I realized that I needed to get out more and put myself in positions where I could meet more people. Before then, I had a small group of great friends, and I'm still thankful for them. But I realized that if I wanted more out of life (especially in the realms of socializing and dating), it was time to expand my circles even farther. So I began to join various groups and look for other ways to get out in the wider community. I would say I've seen some mixed results from those efforts, but I'd say they were positive overall. And it's still a work in progress. And I've made some great friendships (especially one in particular) as a result that I think I will always cherish.

The summer months, starting with June, brought unexpected changes in me. In June, I started walking more. In fact, the weekend before my birthday, I took my first ever seven mile walk along the Erie canal. That first walks was both exciting and draining. I came away with a sunburn and some pretty serious blisters on my feet, but I also developed a passion for the trek. In fact, I loved it so much, that I repeated the walk once a month through September and am even counting down the days until the warm weather returns and I can resume the little tradition.

In addition to the canal walk, I began taking a walk after my weekly dinner with friends on Monday nights. Those walks began when I got ready to leave the restaurant one Monday night and decided it was too gorgeous an evening to just go home. So a second walking tradition was born. By the end of summer, I was up to three one-hour walks a week (except on the weekend I'd take the canal walk, in which case that trek would replace one of the regular walks). I began to see this as something I did for enjoyment.

As an aside, this is also the summer that I began to enjoy sunbathing. This is something I had considered a waste of time while growing up and would often shake my head at my sister in disgust during summer vacations when she'd sunbathe daily. In fact, when I confessed to my sister this summer that I'd started enjoying the practice myself, she immediately asked, "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

In August, I went with friends the Northeast Naturist Festival. I had a pleasant time while there (though I will note that I kept my clothes on 99.9% of the time I was there) and enjoyed my first real vacation (i.e. a prolonged period off where I did something other than visit family) in years. I came to appreciate again the importance of pampering myself.

The naturist retreat also marked the point in time where I'd say I really began to start coming into my own in terms of spirituality. I had a few moving experiences while there, and they initiated changes in myself that continued over the next several months, and will likely continue into the coming year.

At this point, I will also note that I started really "coming into my own" in general around this time. Or at least I began to notice it. I began building much more self-confidence and a willingness to take risks and make myself more vulnerable. In some ways, I'd say my transformation into a minor social butterfly started to become more noticeable at this point.

In September and October, I had more spiritual awakenings. It is at this time when my patroness, Freyja, began to make it more clear that the nature of our relationship was going to change significantly. (I'm still not ready to publicly discuss the nature of that change, however.) Again, I found myself in situations where my comfort zones were pushed and I was encouraged (not quite at knifepoint) to stretch as a person.

Also in October, I went to a cousin's wedding. While making the trip with my parents and members from my father's side of the family, Freyja also impressed upon me the fact that I've cut myself off from my family. She began to impress upon me the fact that I need to get closer to them. She says it's because there are ways in which I can help various people in my family. Of course, I'm not sure how that's going to work, considering that the kind of help I can best offer is something most of them would be opposed to. But I guess time will tell.

Then in December, the bombshell dropped. About two weeks before Yule, Freyja suggested (again, not quite at knifepoint) that I should plan the Yule ritual for a small group of friends. So I placed the necessary calls, made the commitment, and moved forward. I have to admit, I was rather nervous, especially after becoming sick for the week prior to the ritual, which I had originally hoped to better use for planning. But things turned out beautifully and everyone had a pleasant time. And fortunately, I have much more advanced noticed for the next ritual I'm expected to plan, which isn't until the Spring Equinox.

I'd say it's been an interesting, profound, and profitable year. Hopefully the coming one will continue in that trend.

One of the inherent problems with agreeing to enter into a working relationship with a specific deity is that said deity actually expects you to work. And eventually, that work will include tasks that require you to step outside of your comfort zones and do things you're not sure you're ready for. This morning, I experienced one such instance in my own life.

A small group of friends and I have been talking about getting together more regularly to do ritual. This is the group (or at least the core part, though I hope we invite a few of the others for Yule) that gets together every year to celebrate Samhain together. The rest of the year, we get together more sporadically. As I said, that's something a few of us would like to change.

As I was driving in to work this morning, I got thinking about this fact, and the upcoming solstice. A couple of us had been talking about the fact that we really should do a Yule ritual. However, no one has sat down to actually make any plans. It was this last fact I was considering when Freyja decided to speak her mind.

"You know, you could plan the ritual."

I blinked and immediately thought to myself that I'm not sure where I'd begin. Suddenly, I had a handful of ideas running through my head. Obviously, she wasn't going to let me off that easy. So I thought about it for the rest of the drive to the office. Once I got here, I made a call and offered to plan the ritual. It turns out that this was a good thing, because the others had already agreed to do ritual for Yule and even set the date, but weren't sure what they were going to do. So it looks like I'll be taking the lead on the planning as long as they provide the space.

I'm also getting the inkling (another one of her ideas, I'm afraid) that I'm going to suggest that we trade off. I'll plan the solstices and equinoxes if the others will take care of the other four high days.

Egads, what have I gotten myself into? But then, I keep getting told that I need to quit hiding and take on a more active role. I guess this is a step in that direction.

Darn goddesses, anyway.

Thanksgiving Day, I had a bit of a personal experience. After I had gotten to my parents' home and was seated in the dining room chatting with them, I began to look around the room. On the one stand next to the interior wall, I spotted an old picture of me. If my mother is right (I mentioned it to her later), it was the casual picture I had taken when I had my senior pictures taken in high school.

When I first saw the picture, I did a double take. "That was me?! Damn, I was cute back then!" In fact, I was so taken by the picture that I almost had trouble believing it really was me. I looked rather different back then. It was before my hairline had really started to recede and before I put on an extra 70+ pounds. This realization was somewhat depressing, and for a moment, I even mourned the fact that I was no longer that young man in the picture.

What's more, I mourned that I never realized how good looking I really was back then. I never considered myself ugly (and never have), but I did consider myself pretty plain. Part of that was because the school nurse kept harping on the fact that I was "slightly overweight" every year. Add that to the fact that none of the girls in school really seemed all that interested in me (nor the boys, but I wouldn't have been ready to pursue that possibility anyway), and it just never occurred to me how great I looked. Of course, that made the realization rather sweet now, even if I did wish I would've taken better advantage of my looks back then.

But then Miss Thing (Have I mentioned that I love having a patron goddess who let's me get away with calling her names like "Miss Thing"?) began pointing out to me that I'm still very good looking. Despite the decrease in hair and the increase in weight. And besides, I'm slowly, very slowly, doing something about that latter part. It is entirely likely that in three or four years, I could be that "slightly overweight" (in which case I will party) guy in the picture again, just at twice the age. But it's going to take time, patience, and a lot of self love. After all, if I try to rush things, I'll only get frustrated and sabotage my own efforts. And besides, I need to accept I already look great so that it becomes a matter of improving on an already great thing rather than some struggle against myself.

So I will continue to do my exercising (which I admit I've been bad about for the past couple weeks). I'll get back to eating healthier. And I'll continue to do so because I enjoy it (I'm already pining for longer days and warmer weather again so I can return to my walking). But at least now, I do it with a glimmer of hope that despite not being my primary goal, there's proof that I could really enjoy the fringe benefits in the long run, too.