Category Archives: Introspection

I feel like a writer

I’ve been keeping a copy of Harald’s Story in a Word document. Tonight, I printed out a copy of it so I could share it with a couple of local friends. I’m amazed at how long it’s getting. It already spilled onto page eighteen, and the hero and his associates haven’t even set sail yet.

Of course, I also have to admit that I’m a bit nervous. I have no only the vaguest idea of how the story is going to proceed once Harald and company set sail. So I currently feel like I’m glibly writing my way off the edge of a cliff, so to speak. But I do take some comfort in the knowledge that when I originally started thinking about the story, I only had the first couple scenes planned and a very basic premise for the rest of the story. And since I’ve started writing, I’ve already developed that kernel into the seven “chapters” I’ve written so far, and I have a good grasp of the contents of at least three more chapters. So hopefully, the rest will come as I progress just like the current material has slowly developed.

But more importantly, I’ve rediscovered my love of writing fiction. I haven’t felt this excited about a story I was working on since I tried to work on the series of stories surrounding my characters Keylar and Amira. That was back just before Zech and I broke up (the break up that influenced my choice to abandon that story). Here I am, eight years later, and I’m feeling quite accomplished. Who knows, maybe I’ll eventually be able to “rediscover” Keylar’s story and return to it. I’ve always felt sad that I could never get myself back to a point where I could continue it. But in the meantime, I’m happy with my current project. Here’s to hoping things continue to go in such a positive direction.

The problem with sources

At some point in the last twenty four hours, one of my favorite liberal Christian bloggers made an update to a post he made about claims that the National Park Service staff were prohibited from giving an answer about the Grand Canyon’s age. This claim was made based on a statement issued by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility, aka PEER. Bob’s update was to let everyone know that these claims appear to be unfounded and to apologize for being duped. He also provided a link to a lengthy explanation and retraction posted by Skeptic Magazine, who had also been duped by the story.

This is a clear case where some relatively simple fact checking (namely calling the National Park Services and asking whoever answers the phone whether they could comment on the age of the grand canyon) could have saved both Bob and the folks at Skeptic Magazine the trouble of wiping a considerable amount of egg off their face. Both parties admit this. But I don’t wish to be critical of them, as I can completely empathize with their position. Truth be told, this could have happened to me as easily as it happened to them. I’ve been known to trust sources without much fact checking as well, and I certainly don’t want Bob or the folks at Skeptic Magazine pointing their fingers at me and laughing should our roles ever be reversed.

Instead, I want to focus on the frightening (to me, at least) reality that this could happen to anyone. It’s easy to spread information simply because a source we trusted had an off day or otherwise got their information wrong. Perhaps their source was incorrect. After all, misinformation can get spread even when there’s no deceitful intent on anyone’s part. I’m reminded of Bogaert’s statistical study that I blogged about back in August as a prime example of that. An aquaintance had blogged about an LA Times article on the topic. After searching for the original study and reading it, I concluded that the newspaper article was somewhat misleading about the conclusions of the study. Granted, that writer hadn’t gone as far as repeating blogus claims, but I feel it’s still an issue.

So I find myself wondering what level of responsibility I, both as a conscientious individual and a blogger, need to take on when it comes to verifying my sources? The ultimate solution would obviously involve me checking every fact for myself as directly as possible. Unfortunately, I’m not a paid journalist. I have another full time job. And even my free time is split between multiple projects. So while the ultimate solution is attractive, it’s simply not feasible. So what would be a more reasonable solution?

Another obvious albeit vague solution would be to only use reliable sources. But how does one determine what sources are reliable? And don’t even reliable sources make mistakes? (I suspect Skeptics Magazine and any other journalistic group whose had to publish a correction or retraction would answer that question with a resounding “yes.”)

I don’t think I have an answer to my questions. I’m not sure anyone does. (Though I’m more than willing to listen to them if they do). But I suspect I will struggle with those questions for some time now.

Tarot Musings: The Star

Deck: Tarot of Transformation
Card: The Star (XVII)
Keyphrase: Guiding Light

A lone female figure stands in the center of this card, leaning against a tree. The tree?s barren limbs and the mostly white ground at the figure?s feet tell us that it is winter. The woman wears a long, heavy dress, and a dark shawl is draped around her shoulders. From her neck hangs a pendant of an upturned crescent moon with a single flame nestled in the inner curve. The woman?s head is slightly inclined to view the lone star shining in the sky towards the left edge of the card (to the figure?s right).

This card speaks of the inner wisdom that comes from within the individual. This wisdom is available to us when we allow ourselves to stop and listen to it, divesting ourselves of the distractions that often fill our lives. The woman on the card stands in a barren winter-land because she knows that it will enable her to focus more on that wisdom she carries with herself, as symbolized by her pendant. The crescent moon suggests that this is more an intuitive wisdom rather than intellectual knowledge.

There is a strong correlation between the star in the sky and the pendant of the figure. These symbols remind us that consulting this inner wisdom is a matter of consulting the source of that wisdom ? that Divine source to which we are connected. In essence, we are reminded that the search for the sublime starts within, for that is our guiding light.

The wintry background also reminds us that cultivating and accessing this inner wisdom and the resulting cosmic understanding requires some unseen work. There may be times which we must go through a period of silence while our unconscious works to rearrange things and prepare us for the next stage of the journey.

Tarot Musings: Seven of Swords

Deck: Robin Wood Tarot
Card: Seven of Swords

A man shrouded in a gray hooded cloak is climbing over a waist-high stone wall. Only eyes, nose, and mouth are visible from within the hood, wearing a scowl that suggests anger and bitterness. Sticking out from beneath the man’s cloak are four swords, while a line of tents is visible in the background, suggesting an encampment from which the man stole his treasures. His left boot rests on a flat surface of stone that sticks out halfway down the visble side of the wall, aiding the man in his escape.

This sword speaks of ill-begotten gain, both material and intanglible things which we have aquired in less than honorable ways. Like the man on the card, we sneak away feeling that we have gained something, but at the expense of our own integrity. Most often, these occasions occur when we feel that we are due something and have been cheated out of it. After all, the expression on the man’s face makes it clear that he feels that his pilfered blades are rightfully his. Perhaps he too feels that he was beguiled out of them unjustly and sees his thievery merely as the best way to rectify the situation.

However, this card reminds us that even the right result achieved in less than honorable ways robs us of something greater. While the man may be collecting what is rightfully his, his methods of doing so shall permanently mar him as someone who is slippery and less than trustworthy. Indeed, the relatively small size of his stepping stone in the escape — barely big enough to rest his boot upon — suggests a precarious path, and one that can easily result in a sudden downfall. And so it is with the path of going to dubious means to aquire our goals, no matter how noble they may ultimately be.

This card calls us to consider our methods of getting what we want and going where we want to be. It calls on us to be upright in our dealings, even when those we deal with fail to return the favor. After all, the way in which we make the journey for ourselves can have as lasting effect on us our final destination.

Peer Pressure in Strange Places

Just last night, I started participating on a religious discussion message board on another site. I’ve met some interesting people, but I’ve also noticed there seems to be a very large contingent of people who are using the sight for a good bit of ego-stroking and demonstrating their own “spiritual superiority” (whether it takes the form of righteousness or enlightenment) at the expense of others. It makes for a harsh evironment, in many ways. I’m just hoping that those of us who are interested can create enough positive discussion to make it worthwhile.

But the big thing I noticed was how easy it would be for me to slip into the same kind of posturing. Each time I read an ego-driven post there, I find myself sorely tempted, almost eager, to tear the person down, with the painful realization that my own motives at heart are equally ego-driven. It troubles me how easily I could fall into that same trap just by being around it.

As such, I need to work on guarding myself against that temptation.

Turning Inward

I’m not sure how many people read this blog any more. I know I’ve been silent for almost a month now. To be honest, I’ve logged in to write something several times since my last entry, but have never been able to get past the blank textbox.

This is one of those cases where many aspects of my life have caused me to turn inward, to work on projects and go through things that I’m not ready to post about yet. There’s just so much going on that still needs to be worked out in the stillness of my own mind before broadcast to the world, and as such, I leave what readers I may have wondering what’s going on.

What I can say is that my spiritual life is getting rather interesting right now. There are certain things that I need to work on and certain changes in my life that I’m making in order to prepare for the “next big step.” At some point, I hope to talk about some of that. But for now, I must leave it at this simple teaser.

I’m also working on a writing project, which I have several guides telling me will eventually coalesce into a publishable book. However, I’m in the very early stages of that process. Currently, I’m at the point where the project involves me spending regular times with a separate journal (as opposed to my “everyday” one) and writing about past experiences, people, and choices that I can remember, and my emotional reactions to them. It’s been both a rewarding and trying process, as not all of the memories or the realizations related to them are entirely comfortable. They’re not exactly painful, either. But they take a bit of processing at times.

One of the interesting things is that as I continue with this project, I find myself remembering little things that I had completely forgotten about, things that I haven’t thought about in a decade or more. That in itself can be a bit shocking. Of course, on the flip side, it’s also nice to suddenly discover that I have more memories of my life before high school than I might’ve thought. They’re just there waiting to be found.

Of course, a side effect of this process is that I find myself growing nostalgiac. I find myself wondering what ever happened to old friends, old school chums, and even an old lover or two. I find myself wondering what kind of people they are today. After all, it’s been at least a decade since I’ve seen some of them.

You can’t go home again. But at least you can visit. Even if only in your mind.

Weird mood

I feel strange tonight. To be honest, I’m having a hard time describing my mood and emotional state. I think that the best word for describing the underlying theme is melancholy. but it’s a strange melancholy. I’m finding a certain comfort in it. It doesn’t depress me, if that makes any sense.

There’s also a strong sense of impermanence to it all. It’s as if in my sadness, there’s a deep knowledge that it will pass soon enough, departing to let my heart fill with light and joy. This knowledge lets me find comfort in my temporary darkness, wrapping it around me gently like a warm blanket as I wait “sunnier” times.

It’s not like I’m totally devoid of joy, anyway. Evenin my morose state, I can see the myriad little bright spots. I can see where I have treated myself with more honor and respect than I have in the past. I know I have friends I can turn to when I need an ear, and have even dared to call on them to offer those very services. I am loved, and I know it. What is a little sadness in the face of that?

Musings on the Tarot: Robin Wood’s Devil

I’m a bit of a tarot fan. I’ve collected a number of decks, as I find the artwork and the symbolism the artist puts into their interpretations. One of my all time favorite decks is The Robin Wood Tarot, named after its creator, artist and illustrator Robin Wood. Her deck has some absolutely beautiful artwork in it, and is an excellent blending of the symbolism traditionally (at least in the tradition of A.E. Waite and the Golden Dawn) associated with the tarot and her own ideas.

One of the cards in which Ms. Wood chose to go away from the traditional symbolism was major arcana card, The Devil. (A picture of this card from her deck can be found on the page linked to in the previous paragraph.) Whereas this card traditionally shows a demonic figure towering over two smaller figures in chains, Ms. Wood’s deck shows two individuals in a dark hallway or tunnel, holding onto a large chest. This card happens to be one of my favorite cards in this deck because it captures my own feelings about the underlying meanings of “The Devil” in tarot. This card takes the “devil” and transmutes it from being about being in bondage to an external figure to an inner condition of self-imposed bondage.

If you look at the card closely, you will notice that the only thing truly in bondage in this picture is the chest that the figures are holding onto. In reality, the two individuals are completely free. At any moment, they could choose to let go of the chest and walk boldly into the daylight, escaping their “prison.” And yet, they do not do this. Instead, they hold on to the chest, not willing to let it go.

The chest is partly open, showing its treasures inside. It is undoubtedly these treasures — and the figures’ desire for them — that keep the “prisoners” in place. Their desire for riches and treasures prove greater than their desire for freedom, so they hold their place. Indeed, their desire for the treasure has probably convinced them that they themselves are in bondage, not recognizing their own complicity in their situation.

This message is further enhanced when you examine the chest itself. Its visible surfaces are covered in depictions of the primitive “monkey trap.” This “trap” is nothing more than a coconut with a small hole drilled into it. Food is stuffed into the whole and the coconut is afixed so that it cannot be moved. When a monkey finds the coconut, it discovers the food. In its greedy hunger, the monkey will slip its hand through the hole in the coconut and seize the food. However, when it attempts to pull its hand back out, the hole proves too small to allow the monkey to extricate its prize-laden fist back out. Despite being frustrated by the trap, the monkey’s greed for the food will keep it from releasing its prize and extricating itself from the trap. Indeed, the monkey will remain their, grasping its prize in frustration until the trapper comes to check the trap. Even while being killed, the monkey will resolutely hang onto its prize.

In this way, the chest in the card loudly proclaims its own nature to its “captives.” But their greed blinds them to this, and they remain as “trapped” as the pictured monkeys.

Of course, like all tarot cards, there is a danger in reading this card too literally. Not all “treasures” have monetary value. Nor do all traps of this nature have physical bait. In reality, there are many things — be they memories, relationships, or past experiences — in our lives which we may be better off leaving behind. However, in some way, we believe ourselves to need them — or at least to be better off with them. So we hold on to them, enduring whatever bondage they may hold us in. In time, we find ways to ignore the trap, or at least cease associating our choice to cling to the “treasure” with the resultant “bondage.”

Robin Wood’s card, “The Devil” reminds us to be mindful of these “traps.” It calls us to ask ourselves if there is something we would be better off letting go of if it means increased freedom or peace.

Revelation About Writing

The following is an excerpt from a special journaling project I’ve started:

It wasn’t until Serenity and Zech came along that I received enough encouragement to truly develop my inner writer. I had written a little at the end of college — mostly to help myself cope with my coming out struggles — and those two eventually got me to share. They both loved it and encouraged me to push myself further. I became more confident and open to showing others my work.

Thinking back, I better understand why I chose to put my pen down for so long after they hurt and abandoned me. They had built up my writing so much, it felt like they took it all back when they turned.

Of course, I know that’s not true now. My writing is something that comes from within me, and is therefore not something they could take from me — nor can anyone else. They could only take away their support. But now, I know I don’t need it (and never did). I only need to connect to the writer within. He’s al I need. I’m all I need. I can be my own encouragement.

Coming to this realization tonight was liberating and empowering in a way that really surprised me. Suddenly, I found myself feeling a whole lot more inspired. In fact, I’m seriously considering starting a fiction project in the near future.

Mistaking Opportunities for Obstacles

I don’t normall do “cut and paste” columns. However, Juliaki’s insights on this particular topic was too perfect not to share her words. I’m thankful for her graciousness in allowing me to repost them here.

I asked the gods for support and guidance on my path. I asked them to help build me up so that I could go higher than I was, and closer to them. From out of the sky, a shower of boulders slid from the mountain and blocked my path, a pile of boulders higher than my height by far. I raised my fists to the heavens and yelled up to the gods, “I have always been good in your service. I have always done the best that I could. Now, when I ask for your help to rise above the challenges of the world for just a moment, you put obstacles in my way! Why have you done this to me? I ask you to remove them at once!”

The gods whispered to me, with patience so plain, “What you see as obstacles are actually blessings on your path. These obstacles, as you call them, are there so that you may use the will that we gave you to climb up and to rise above the challenges of the world for a moment. If you faced the challenges we gave you with the strength of spirit we put within you and worked through them with the courage of one who does instead of one who makes excuses, you would have risen above this challenge and been granted the wisdom of a wise vista.”

“But you asked for your path to be clear, and it shall be given to you.”

And with that, the boulders disappeared, leaving a flat road ahead of me. A road that looked the same as before, flat and unchanging. A road on which I could rise no higher, for I had rejected blessings as curses and demanded that convenience outweigh growth.