Tag Archives: memories

Family, Memories

#ChangingPathsChallenge2024: People I Admire

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My mother, graduating from nursing school at age 58.

There are a large number of people that I admire. For this post, however, I’m going to focus on my mother, Donna Harris. For those who may not know, she passed away this past January mere hours after her 77th birthday ended.1

My mother was a wonderful woman, a devoted wife, and a loving mother of three children. She worked most of my life as a healthcare worker. She became a nurse’s aid when I was in early elementary school. She provided home health care, then switched to working in a hospital, and eventually became a registered nurse a few years before she retired.2 She was devoted to her patients and excellent at her job. I’ve often shared with people at my amusement over how she was a confirmed mathphobe. However, when it came time to do the calculations involved in properly administering certain medications, she was a champ. I often joked that despite the fact she hated and feared high school algebra, she could solve any algebra problem as long as it was phrased as a word problem about administering medications.

She loved all three of us kids dearly and showed a commitment to that love even when each of us sometimes made loving us difficult. I know that she struggled with me coming out as gay and it was at least a decade before she could talk about it without things getting emotional or tense. But by the time that my husband and I married, she embraced him as part of the family and did everything to make him welcome. I’m not sure how she dealt with the fact that I left Christianity and chose to devote myself to Freyja and the other Norse deities. To be honest, I’m not sure how much she knew about my religious inclinations, as it was something we didn’t really talk about.3 But again, I always knew that she loved me no matter what.

As I write this post, I’m sitting her and thinking I’d love to pour out a bit of mead for her if I had any. I’m not sure how she’d feel about it. But I hope that she knows that I love her and admire both what she did for me and how she helped shape the person I am today. She is most definitely among my revered ancestors.

The funeral home director who took care of having my mother cremated also wrote this lovely obituary for her based on information he received from my father.

(This post is part of #ChangingPathsChallenge2024. For for information on the challenge and a list of topics, please see this post by Yvonne Aburrow.)

Footnotes

  1. In many ways, I feel like this post is a long overdue eulogy for her, as I am still completely aghast at the church service that masqueraded as her memorial service back in February. ↩︎
  2. I’ve always felt it tragic that a work-related back injury basically forced her into early retirement. Becoming a nurse had been Mom’s dream since I was teenager and I wish she had been able to enjoy the fruits of that dream and her labors to make it come true for at least a few more years. ↩︎
  3. Hey, I figured navigating my sexuality was hard enough. Why make things even more difficult? ↩︎
Books, Gender and Sexuality, Paganism, Religion, Sexuality

Being gaily religious and religiously gay: Blogging freestyle for chapter 3 of “Changing Paths.”

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[Content Note: Frank sexual talk, including discussion of masturbation.]

This week, I want to blog about chapter three of Changing Paths by Yvonne Aburrow. This chapter is titled “Religion and Sexuailty.”

I’ve struggled a bit with figuring out how I want to handle this chapter. It’s the first chapter where none of the blog prompts really resonated with me in a way that made me think of a way to blog about them.1 So I’ve decided to “free-style” it and just share whatever thoughts on the topic came up while I was reading this chapter.

Of course, I’ve also struggled a bit with remembering what my thoughts and feelings were when reading this chapter. As of the time I’m writing this post, I’m ready to start chapter 11 in the book and will very likely have finished the entire book by the time it gets published. I guess that’s the one down side to establishing a posting schedule. But I shall do my best.

My relationship with my sexuality when I was an evangelical Christian was a complete mess, and not solely because I was gay. For those who may not be familiar with evangelical culture, purity culture is often a huge part of that, and my upbringing was no exception.

I will note that my experience with purity culture was not nearly as intense as some of my friends in the various deconstructing and former evangelical communities I’m involved with. While I got a few messages about how having sex before marriage makes you like a chewed up piece of gum or a tissue someone has already blown their nose into, I know many people who had those messages driven home to them far more frequently and emphatically than I ever did.

In some ways, I think I had it easier as a guy than many of my female friends did. There often seems to be a certain amount of “boys will be boys” mentality even among evangelicals when it comes to sex. This is not to say that boys get a free pass in purity culture, mind you. And there’s always that messaging that depicts men and boys as barely controlled monsters full of hormones and lust, so a lot of guys (and I wasn’t totally exempt from this myself) tend to have negative self-perceptions and internalize a lot of guilt and shame over perfectly normal urges.

That’s where it gets complicated for me. As a gay boy who is essentially a Kinsey 6. “Lusting”2 after girls and women was never really a problem. In fact, I remember trying to imagine kissing a female classmate when I was in high school and finding the idea weird and a little disturbing.

But when I eventually realized that I was attracted to male classmates, that became troubling. After all, the only thing worse (or so I thought) than lusting after a girl was lusting after a boy! I was devastated and spent years in denial, trying to convince myself that it was just a phase, then a few years trying to pray my way to deliverance from my “same sex attractions”3

As an aside, I was online acquaintances with Peterson Toscano and took part int he Beyond Ex-Gay website/movement, both of which got a mention in this chapter. That brought back pleasant memories.

In addition, like most teenage boys (and I suspect most teenagers in general), I greatly enjoyed pleasuring myself. I mean, why wouldn’t I? It feels good and offers some great health benefits. Granted, I didn’t know about the health benefits at the time. But it’s often difficult for a young person whose body is teaming with hormones to resist the urge. I did not resist them. Oh, I’d try, but I’d eventually give in and feel a mountain guilt over it.

In general, I’d say that purity culture tends to destroy young people’s connections to their bodies in addition to their sexuality in general. You’re taught to see your body as this great source of temptation and sinfulness, and that really messes you up. I know it certainly messed me up.

I think that’s one of the things that drew me to Freyja when I turned to Paganism. She is an unapologetically sexual goddess and owns her sexuality as something to be proud of. Furthermore, she embraces all expressions of sexuality, regardless of who you are attracted to or involved with.4 That’s something I needed, so I embraced her and learned to love myself, my body, and my sexuality.

It’s something I”m still working on in some ways, mind you. I do have certain body insecurities. But I know longer see my body or sexuality as a moral failing. And that’s a definite boon.

Footnotes

  1. I will note, however, that I absolutely loved the meditation Yvonne included at the end of this chapter. I have done similar exercises in my own witchcraft practice before, including an exercise that my mentor and would-be initiator had me do when I was exploring the possibility of becoming an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, which Yvonne mentioned in this chapter. ↩︎
  2. I will note that the way that purity culture turns all sexual desire — and especially sexual desire that’s not “purified” by romance and/or marriage — into something sinful and dirty totally grinds my gears. To the point that I once wrote something on the topic and titled it “Sacred Lust.” ↩︎
  3. I have complicated feelings about that phrase, given the way it’s used in ex-gay ministries and among conversion therapists. I am so thankful I can abandon it these days and just say I’m gay. But such organizations have long pushed the idea that even identifying as gay rather than just saying you “struggle with same-sex attractions” is bad. I’ve addressed that before. ↩︎
  4. If my readers will allow me to throw a but of unconfirmed personal gnosis out there, the only way I’ve seen to piss off Freyja when it comes to love and sexuality is if you weaponize them to abuse or otherwise intetionally harm another person. You do that, you better watch out. ↩︎
Memories, Witchcraft

Witchy Questions: What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not.

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This post was inspired by Question #40 from this list.

The first spell that I clearly remember casting, ironically enough, was a spell to help a friend find a new home. They had been looking for a while. I decided to do a spell using a poppet and a small planter, the kind that you might use to get seedlings started. The planter represented my friend’s perfect home, which I cleansed with incense smoke and then blessed by sprinkling various herbs (I forget which ones) into it. Then I set the poppet, representing my friend, into it, showing her finding and buying the home.

She made an offer on a house and had it accepted about three days later. I don’t generally brag about the magic I do, but I was quite proud of this one. Probably because it was my first real effort at doing magic.

Memories, Witchcraft

Witchy Questions: What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

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This post was inspired by Question #31 from this list.

I feel like my journey into the Craft was pretty perfect. Or at least perfectly planned. Sure, there’s part of me who wonders if I could have taken a more direct route to where I wound up if someone had, for example, suggested I read Gerald Gardner’s books sooner. But then I wonder, would I have been ready for his books any sooner? Or would that have turned me off and sent me down an even more circuitous route than the one I eventually took. And would I have missed important things by bypassing my forays into eclectic Wicca (and possibly Druidry)? How would I have met Freyja if I had somehow skipped over my friend Mike pushing me toward Asatru?

If anything, the lesson I could have benefited from had it come right from the beginning is to just trust the journey and have faith that I and those who worked with me would get me to where I needed to go no matter what.

Memories, Personal Development, Witchcraft

Witchy Questions: What got you interested in witchcraft?

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This post was inspired by Question #26 from this list.

I have written at least two posts about my journey into the Craft and what led to me to it. In those, I talk about how the idea of magic and energy really resonated with me, as it confirmed an idea about the world that I had always imagined and wished to be true. Also, i was interested in the idea that my psychic abilities — most notably my empathy — could be better controlled, as other people’s emotions were almost literally driving me up the wall at a time. And I have talked about how I found in witchcraft a system of morality that allowed me to better love and encourage myself to become a better person by believing that it was actually possible to do exactly that.

There’s another part to that last one. One I’ve never really talked about. When I first started out, i saw witchcraft as a way to get forgiveness. Not from a deity, mind you, but from two people who I had deeply hurt, to the point that they both chose to leave my life. At the time, I thought i couldn’t live without them in my life, and witchcraft was a way to get them back.

I wasn’t looking to cast a spell on them — I understood immediately that such an act would be unethical — but was engaging in magical thinking of the kind that psychologists like to talk about. I had this weird idea that by getting into witchcraft, I could work on being a better person and eventually earn the opportunity to get both of them back in my life.

Fortunately for me, I eventually wised up. I realized that there was no way to “earn” their love and presence in my life. I came to understand that the best thing I could do for both them and myself is silently wish them wellness and healing from the hurt I caused and let them be. I also learned that I actually could live without having them in my life and allowed myself to heal as well.

I’ve thought about this recently due to listening to some witches complain about new witches and auditing some of their reasons for getting into witchcraft. Well, I had at least one shitty motive of my own for getting started, and yet I grew and here I am. So once again, I find myself wondering if we should just let those with less-than-perfect reasons continue their journey and trust both them and the universe to work it all out.

Politics, Witchcraft

On Politics and Witchcraft

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When I first started getting into Paganism and the Craft back in the late 1990’s, I tended to view myself as apolitical. I definitely saw my Craft as such. I looked at authors like Starhawk and found their interpretation of the Craft as completely strange and possibly even a bit heretical — even if I would have otherwise bragged that witchcraft has no concept of heresy.

In the roughly two decades, my views have changed quite a bit.This is something that became evident to me the other day on Twitter when another witch was making similar comments about the Craft not being political. Today, I have to admit that, while I’m inclined not to audit another person’s practice of witchcraft, I have a hard time imagining a truly apolitical expression of the Craft. Part of that my understanding of politics has changed to the point where I tend to believe that the mere act of existing is political. The rest of it has to do with how my understanding of and approach to the Craft has changed.

To me, every practice of witchcraft has one tenet or goal in common: Self-empowerment which leads to the exercise of one’s own personal autonomy. (Seriously, if anyone’s practice of the Craft doesn’t include this goal, tenet, or ideal, I’d be very interested to hear more.) Self-empowerment and establishing one’s personal autonomy is one of the greatest political acts out there. It is the most foundational motive and goal underneath so many progressive political causes and movements. And self-empowerment and personal autonomy are things that many political forces — especially those rooted in authoritarianism. Embracing witchcraft is practically a direct rejection of certain political ideologies.

In addition to this, I also consider how much of my witchcraft is rooted in the idea that everyone is connected and, in my belief at least, sacred. While this view may not be universal, I still think it’s fairly common among witches. I think it’s hard, if not downright impossible, to see how everything and everyone is connected and the sacredness of it all and not wish to respond to that with a desire to work towards a more just world for all to everyone’s benefit. And at some point, I feel like that’s going to get political. Even if we act locally and support certain causes through volunteer work, that’s still political. Even if we help people individually through direct assistance or gifts. And at some point, we have to look at the impact that certain political ideology has on us and our sacred siblings (which, again, is literally everyone) and respond to that.

I guess I still personally have no use for the particular ways in which Starhawk and those like her have fused their practice of the Craft and their politics together. But I have grown to see that my Craft and my politics do not exist completely separate from each other. Both work together and each one influences the other.

Paganism, Personal Development, Spiritual Development

Musings on Gaining Understanding

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The first step to gaining wisdom is admitting ignorance.

Several years ago, I frequented a number of online message forums that centered around discussing Witchcraft and Paganism.  On one of my favorites, I included the above statement in all of my posts. What most of the other posters did not realize was that I included the line as a reminder and comfort to myself, because it was a reality in my life I was struggling with at the time.

This was back when I was still relatively new to the Pagan paths.  I had a lot to learn (of course I still do and always will, as that’s the nature of any spiritual journey).  In many ways, this was frustrating to me.  Particularly because of my Christian background, which left me brimming with a great deal of knowledge about that religion and culture.  I could tell all of the major Bible stories, quote and explain several different verses in the Bible, and was even knowledgeable enough that I ended up preaching a number of sermons over the years before I eventually left my church and the faith I was raised in.

All of that was behind me.  Being the knowledgeable one was in the past. Instead, here I was having to learn everything about my new spiritual journey from step number one. Frustrating indeed.

I realized if I was going to progress on my journey, I needed to make peace with that reality. I realized that I had to accept that I didn’t know everything — or much of anything, really — so that I could get down to changing that.  So I typed up that sentence and started putting it places where I would see it, remember my goals and what’s needed, and even be comforted by the fact that it’s all part of the journey.

I’ve never forgotten that statement, because I realized there was a greater lesson there. Towards the end of my experience with the Christian faith, I had also grown prideful. I had started to think that I knew it all, which made the realization that my knowledge at the time would no longer serve me.  i was forced to eat a double portion of humble pie.  So I also remind myself of the above statement to avoid that trap of pride again. That sentence reminds me that even though it’s been over a decade since the first time I wrote it down and even though I’ve learned a lot over that time, there is still much I don’t know and understand.  That statement serves as a constant reminder to acknowledge where I’m still ignorant so that I can continue to seek out an even greater understanding, and hopefully do so in humility.

 

Family, Love, Memories

Then and Now: Weddings

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Occasionally, I read through all blog posts just to see what I wrote (and if applicable, what people had to say in reply). During my most recently perusal, I rediscovered a post where considered what I might want to do for my wedding. Seeing as I just recently (16 months ago this coming Wednesday!) got married, I thought it would be good to take another look at that post and compared it to what actually happened.

It turns out that after dating many (mostly non-devout) Christian or non-theistic men, I found Hubby, who is a Witch like me.  So we ended up getting a handfasting like I wanted. Also, while members of my family became much more open to my relationships and might have come to a wedding, we decided to keep the whole thing private.  We asked the members of our coven to perform the handfasting and be the sole attendees of it as well.  Out of the six coven members (including Hubby and myself) at the time, five of us were able to make it for the big day.  We all met at one coven member’s cabin in the woods and performed the rite at one of the outdoor altars that had been constructed in the woods.  We wrote our own vows.  I don’t think I remember any of mine and very few of Hubby’s.  I will say that Hubby was creative and crafted vows that were both sweet and funny.

After the rite itself, we built a nice bonfire in the “front yard” and set our vows on fire as an offering to the gods.  Then we celebrated with food we all cooked together and some fireworks.

It also turned out that we had enough people that we were able to treat the handfasting as our marriage ceremony.  The person who presided over the rite signed the marriage license and the other two acted as witnesses.  So we didn’t have to do a civil ceremony afterward.

Overall, it turned out almost exactly as I wanted, but even better.

 

Emotions, Gender and Sexuality, Love, Personal Development

Coming Out Anniversary Post: The Need for a Relationship

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Going to Hell Tee ShirtIt’s April 1st once again.  For those who have been following my blog for a while, you know that this is significant in that it’s the anniversary of my initial coming out.  Eighteen years ago, I quit denying that I was attracted to other men, quit claiming it was “just a phase,” and quit trying to change myself.  (Well, where my sexual orientation is concerned.)

I don’t commemorate or blog about the event every year (See the bottom of this post for links to older anniversary posts), though I decided I wanted to again this year.  This year, I want to consider how my attitude about dating has changed since I came out.

When I came out, dating was extremely important to me.  This is partly because part of the reason I finally came out was because I was tired of being alone.  I was tired of suffering, thinking I may never be able to find — or even allow myself to find — someone I could deeply care about and build a lasting relationship with.  So when I came out, finding someone to love was of grave importance to me.  To put it quite frankly, I was rather desperate at the time.

Consider that I was walking away from years of belief that being gay was bad and that the kind of relationship that appealed to me was strictly prohibited.  Consider that rejecting that belief required me to give up a lot of my identity (being an evangelical Christian — and most evangelicals still insisted that the phrase “gay Christian” was an oxymoron and an abomination at the time — was a huge paart of my existence and idenity) and to strain many freindships and relationships.  So the idea that I’d give all that up and still end up alone was terrifying.  So I ended up putting a lot of energy into the idea that I had to find someone.

It’s a mentality that lasted for years, over a decade and a half in fact.  In time, though, it’s a mentality that began to fade and is now more or less gone.  That’s not to say that I don’t want to find someone to build a life with.  Dating is still important to me.  Having a loving relationship is still important to me.  It’s just not my single-minded obssession anymore.  Now, it’s just something that I’d like to achieve when the time is right and I meet a great guy I’m compatible with and mutually attracted to.

I think I really began to notice this change a few months ago, when I ended my most recent relationship.  I ended it because I just couldn’t see myself being with him long-term, which was something he was definitely looking for.  In general, I’ve found myself far more picky about the guys I date and continue to invest time in, which I think is a positive thing.

I think part of this is due to the fact that once I quit spending so much time and energy figthing with myself over my sexual orientation, I was able to slowly build myself back up.  With the question of how my being gay affects my identity and worth, I was able to more fully explore my identity in all areas of my life.  I was able to build up who I saw myself as, and where I found my sense of worth and emotional strength.  As a result, that idea of a relationship quit being the life-vest I clung to out of desperation.

But that’s something that could only develop once I came out and accepted that one part of myself.

Previous Anniversary Posts

Also, be sure to check out Journey to Queerdom.

Randomness

Almost 39, and I still love cartoons

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SmurfsMy birthday is on Tuesday, so I’ve decided to take it easy between now and then and just do some easy, rambling posts.  Today’s posts is on my love of cartoons.

I guess you could say that in many ways, I’m still a kid at heart.  If you were able to peer into my Netlfix history, one of the things that would probably jump out at you would be the number of animated movies and cartoon series that show up.  Whether it’s watching Disney’s Hercules movie (thanks for the heads up, Rae!) or the 1980’s G.I. Joe series, I just love my animation.  In some ways, I suppose I just love the simplicity of it all.  Plus, I also love the various stories that can be explored through animation.  To name just a few of the cartoons I love, both past and present.

Thundercats.  What can I say?  I guess one might argued that I had a thing for furries before I even knew what furries were.  But yeah, the anthropomorphic Thundercats, their powers, and their adventures completely mesmerized me.  Or maybe that was Mumm-Ra.

Smurfs.  I think this is one of the first Saturday morning cartoons I ever started watching.  I was fascinated by Papa Smurf.  And to this day, I swear the show kept hinting that someday, Baby Smurf would become the new Papa Smurf.  Though the one thing that annoyed me about the show was the introduction of Granny Smurf in 1989.  Excuse me, but from the beginning of the series, it was made clear that before Gargamel made Smurfette, there were only boy smurfs.  So where the heck did Granny Smurf come from?

X-Men/X-Men: Evolution.  If I’m being perfectly honest, I love just about any superhero cartoon.  These two X-Men series were probably my favorites.  Superman was just too perfect.  Batman was either too dark or too campy.  But the X-Men always seemed like real and often complex people who just happened to have superpowers.  Plus, I had a thing for Nightcrawler.  (Okay, I still do.)

Princess Mononoke.  Okay, hardcore anime fans are probably going to scream that I’m referring to an anime movie as a “cartoon.”  To be honest, I see them all as cartoons, just cartoons of a different kind and possibly with a different target audience in mind.  (Bear in mind that Bug Bunny cartoons were originally intended for adult audiences.)  I love the imagery and deep theological, environmental, and sociological issues explored in this movie.

Kim Possible.  Because who doesn’t love a rocking teenager whose motto is “I can do anything”?  And I have to admit, Ron’s dorkiness grew on me.