Category Archives: Politics

Meta-Blogging, Personal News, Politics

Reeling and trying to recover from a Trump win

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Hello dear readers! Last week felt like a massive trainwreck to me. And it started out so well. I was excited to get out another polytheology post on Monday and was hoping to get back into blogging after only putting out four posts in October. Then things changed on Tuesday.

I will note that Tuesday already started out rough for me before the U.S. election results started rolling in. I was dealing with some aches and pains1 Monday night, which meant I got very little sleep. What sleep I got wasn’t all that restful either. So when I got up Tuesday morning, I decided to take an unplanned day off from work. I spent the day with my husband watching television and YouTube videos, playing computer games, and just enjoying each other’s company.

That evening, I made the mistake of looking at the election results so far. Things did not look promising. At the time, only 217 electoral votes had been called for Trump. Harris had secured 174. And while there were plenty of states that hadn’t been called yet, the map I was looking at showed that the vast majority of the outstanding states were clearly leaning toward Trump. But as someone who tries to remain hopeful, I told myself anything could still happen. Still, my husband and I took a few minutes to discuss our fears and what we might want to do if the worst happens.

Tuesday morning, my hopes were dashed and I was devastated and angry. In fact, I was angry enough that I was willing to say the following on social media:

I’m not going to lie. Those were not entirely idle words. I put some power behind them.2 I am that angry about the fact that so many of my fellow Americans are willing to vote for a man and a party3 that holds that much contempt towards so many of us. They wouldn’t mind seeing many of us getting harmed as long as they think it’ll get them what they want.

After that, I went silent on social media for a few days. I decided I just needed a break from the political hellscape. I needed time to keep myself from spiraling into total despair and fear. After all, there’s a part of me that fears just how bad things could get over the next few years. I really do believe that if we don’t find effective and meaningful ways to resist, our democracy could warp into something sinister and even fascist.4 While those fears are legitimate, I needed time to get some distance from them lest they rob me of my ability to resist. If that were to happen, I’d be of no help in reshaping wyrd and setting our society and country back on a better path.

So right now, I’m trying to figure out what my part in resisting the nightmare policies Trump and his supporters have planned will look like. I’m not sure what efforts I want to financially support and how much I can budget for that efforts.

The one thing I do know is that for me, resistance will start with continuing to be myself. I will continue to maintain this blog and my presence on social media sites. I will continue to post about the things that matter to me and present my authentic self and my perspective on the world. After all, I’m among the people that Trump and his base like to dehumanize and deny rights to, so it’s important to make myself seen and my humanity evident in order to push back against those attempts.

I’ve also been thinking about community a lot. I think that in this time, community and mutual support will be even more important. And I think that working communally will be vital.5 I’m not sure what that will look like for me, but it’s something I’m thinking about.

I’m still reeling. I’m still trying to recover. But I’m here and I will not allow my fear and despair to drag me away from my ability to help make this world a better place. I’m just taking some time to develop a vision and a plan.

Post History: The first draft of this post was written on November 9, 2024. I proofread, revised, and finalized it on November 20, 2024.

Footnotes

  1. It’s somewhat distressing how frequently I have aches and pains these days. After all, I’m still only fifty and hope to live another forty years or more. What are things going to be like when I’m ninety? ↩︎
  2. Before any naive readers start shouting “harm none” at me, you might want to be aware that (1) I do not consider the Wiccan rede binding and (2) I don’t interpret it as prohibiting all harmful acts anyway. ↩︎
  3. I mention this because our problem is not Trump. Trump is just the symptom of the greater problems that are deeply rooted in our society and system. Problems like misogyny, white supremacy, Christian supremacy, and queerphobia. Trump’s just what you get when we as a society let these problems run rampant. ↩︎
  4. The reality is that our democracy is already broken and that was true even before Tuesday. Now we have to find a way to keep it from getting worse and hopefully reverse the damage already done. ↩︎
  5. I find it interesting and appropriate that my recent posts in my polytheology series have spoken heavily at the concept of community and group work toward a better world. It’s a reminder I think I and many others need right now. ↩︎
Politics, Religion, Society, Spiritual Development

#changingpathschallenge2024: Peace

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True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice.

Source: Martin Luther King, Jr., Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story

Dr. King was a brilliant man and downright prophetic. He had quite a few things to say about peace and justice, though the above quote is probably my favorite commentary that he offered on the subject.1

I hope that Dr. King and those who most directly benefited from his legacy can forgive me for using his quote as a starting point for my post. I will try my best to make sure that my own thoughts. if not worthy of following his words, at least do them no disservice or injustice.

With this quote and elsewhere, King wisely notes that a peace that is not rooted in justice — and an all-inclusive justice that applies to all — cannot last. In effect, true and lasting peace is the result of justice. So if we want peace, we must seek justice.

And yet, I might suggest that some semblance of peace is necessary for the pursuit of justice. Not a false peace, but some small island of inner peace that provides us a firm foundation from which to plan and work. I’m reminded of the the 1997 movie Wishmaster,2 In that movie, Tammy Lauren’s character talks to the basketball team she’s coaching about stillness, and speaks of an inner stillness that will help them to makes baskets if they can find it in the moment before attempting to score. This advice returns to help Lauren’s character in the climactic moment as she calms her mind in order to find the perfect wish that undoes all the harm caused by the djinn she accidentally released and traps the creature once again.

I also think that both peace and justice are not necessarily static states but involve and require an ongoing process. It is something that we will always need to strive toward as circumstances and needs arise and our own understanding of these things change. So let us continue to strive for both justice and peace, building on whatever islands of peace we and those before us have already established.

(This post is part of the #changingpathschallenge2024. See Yvonne Aburrow’s post about the challenge for more details.)

Footnotes

  1. I will note that I’m more familiar with this sentiment as Dr. King expressed it in his Letter from a BIrmingham Jail, which I’ve taken to reading every MLK Day as part of my personal process of self-examination. In that letter, he criticized white moderates, rightly accusing them of preferring “a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice.” ↩︎
  2. Back in college and when I was still a Christian, I was plannings to become a minister. I think this post and others like it demonstrate that had I continued down that path, i would have been one of those ministers who liberally peppered my sermons with pop culture references and sermon illustrations. ↩︎
Politics, Society

Memorial Day Musings

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Happy Monday and good Memorial Day (at least here in the United States), dear readers! Given the holiday here in the U.S., I thought it would be nice to take a break (more or less) from the witchcraft and Paganism talk and share a few thoughts on Memorial Day.

I grew up in a small rural town and as part of a church (affiliated with the American Baptist Association) that considered Memorial Day very important. I was a member of my high school band, and each Memorial Day we marched in two different parades and attended the service at the end of each of those parades. One year when I was a teenager, my Sunday school decided to hold its own Memorial Day service at a nearby park and I memorized Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address during that service. So I grew up with the idea that remembering an honoring the sacrifices made by many soldiers1 and appreciating what those sacrifices did for us. I still consider that important.

And yet, as I’ve grown older, I’ve also seen how the military and the sacrifice of soldiers have become fetishized2 and weaponized to glorify war and push for more wars. In many ways, I feel that powerful elements in our country have gone to great lengths to idolize fallen soldiers — which effectively dehumanizes them — to push their own agendas. “How can you question our military policy? You’re disrespecting fallen soldiers everywhere!” To which I say, “hogwash.”

In reality, I think we owe it to our fallen soldiers — and those still living, for that matter — to look at what we’ve asked them3 to lay down their lives for. Was their justification for a truly just cause? Was it absolutely necessary?4 If we do not honestly grapple with these questions, it seems to me that we are needlessly throwing these soldiers’ lives away rather than asking them to make a noble sacrifice. To me, that’s what seems most disrespectful.

I, like others before me, suspect that much of this has been enabled by the fact that the horror of war is something we’ve become more or less insulated from. And if you, dear readers, will forgive a pop culture reference,5 this reminds me of the Star Trek episode “A Taste of Armageddon,” which was first broadcast in 1967. In that episode, the crew of the Enterprise encounters a world where wars are almost completely simulated by computer. The only “real” part of the war is that after each “attack,” the computer spits out a list of names of people who are then supposed to report to be euthanized. Members of the Enterprise crew are on planet during one of these simulated attacks and are designated as “casualties” to be euthanized. The show’s climax comes when the Enterprise crew destroys the computers that perform the simulations, forcing the planet to wage war the “old fashioned way” and grappling with the real horrors that come with war.6

I sometimes think that we in the 21st century of the real world need to take a cue from Captain Kirk and find a way to re-acquaint ourselves with the horrors of war. Because for many people in the United States, I think it’s way too abstract and unreal. Perhaps then, we might think twice about asking our soldiers to risk their own lives in certain situations. Again, I feel that we owe this to our soldiers — both living and dead — if we are truly going to honor their memories and their sacrifices.

Footnotes

  1. It’s important to note that I’m using “soldiers” here to refer to all military personnel and includes sailors, pilots, and those who fill the numerous roles in our military these days rather than just those who literally carry a rifle or other weapon onto the battlefield. ↩︎
  2. And just to prevent this post from being completely devoid of Pagan content, I’ll note that I have similar misgivings about many “Viking warriors” in the modern Heathen movement who seem to be fetishizing Viking warriors of the past while ignoring the rest of ancient Norse culture(s). ↩︎
  3. Or commanded them! ↩︎
  4. I’m often reminded of a certain quote from Foundation by Isaac Asimov, which I read back when I was in high school. In that book, one of Asimov’s characters would occasionally note that “violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” I remember thinking of that quote when our nation’s leaders started rattling their sabers shortly after September 11, 2001 and noting sadly that they seemed to be choosing violence as our first (and go-to) course of action instead. ↩︎
  5. Well, another one if you’re reading these footnotes as you read the main body of the post. ↩︎
  6. Seriously, this episode from 1967 is just another example of how those who complain that recent Star Trek shows have “gone woke” don’t know what they’re talking about. The entire franchise has a long history of being “woke.” At least from time to time. ↩︎
Politics, Witchcraft

On Politics and Witchcraft

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When I first started getting into Paganism and the Craft back in the late 1990’s, I tended to view myself as apolitical. I definitely saw my Craft as such. I looked at authors like Starhawk and found their interpretation of the Craft as completely strange and possibly even a bit heretical — even if I would have otherwise bragged that witchcraft has no concept of heresy.

In the roughly two decades, my views have changed quite a bit.This is something that became evident to me the other day on Twitter when another witch was making similar comments about the Craft not being political. Today, I have to admit that, while I’m inclined not to audit another person’s practice of witchcraft, I have a hard time imagining a truly apolitical expression of the Craft. Part of that my understanding of politics has changed to the point where I tend to believe that the mere act of existing is political. The rest of it has to do with how my understanding of and approach to the Craft has changed.

To me, every practice of witchcraft has one tenet or goal in common: Self-empowerment which leads to the exercise of one’s own personal autonomy. (Seriously, if anyone’s practice of the Craft doesn’t include this goal, tenet, or ideal, I’d be very interested to hear more.) Self-empowerment and establishing one’s personal autonomy is one of the greatest political acts out there. It is the most foundational motive and goal underneath so many progressive political causes and movements. And self-empowerment and personal autonomy are things that many political forces — especially those rooted in authoritarianism. Embracing witchcraft is practically a direct rejection of certain political ideologies.

In addition to this, I also consider how much of my witchcraft is rooted in the idea that everyone is connected and, in my belief at least, sacred. While this view may not be universal, I still think it’s fairly common among witches. I think it’s hard, if not downright impossible, to see how everything and everyone is connected and the sacredness of it all and not wish to respond to that with a desire to work towards a more just world for all to everyone’s benefit. And at some point, I feel like that’s going to get political. Even if we act locally and support certain causes through volunteer work, that’s still political. Even if we help people individually through direct assistance or gifts. And at some point, we have to look at the impact that certain political ideology has on us and our sacred siblings (which, again, is literally everyone) and respond to that.

I guess I still personally have no use for the particular ways in which Starhawk and those like her have fused their practice of the Craft and their politics together. But I have grown to see that my Craft and my politics do not exist completely separate from each other. Both work together and each one influences the other.

Gender and Sexuality, Politics, Rants, Sexuality

Yes, men CAN control themselves. Men like me have been proving it for decades.

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[Content Warning: Rape culture, anti-LGBT violence]

Hello dear readers. I’m about to go on a rant. Strap in and enjoy, because there is a bit of bullshit that I am phenomenally tired of hearing and I need to go off.  What’s that bullshit? It can be summed up in a simple statement.

Men cannot control themselves.

It’s an underlying belief in our society that crops up everywhere. It’s a great it of rape apologia. Men can’t control themselves, that’s why they violate boundaries. How dare you shame them for it. You hear it in the modesty movement: Men can’t control their sexual thoughts and urges. That’s why women need to dress in a way that doesn’t cause them to have such thoughts in the first place.

And it is bullshit, dear reader. Men can control themselves. How do I know this? Because I’m a man and I control myself. In fact, the vast majority of LGBT men have spent our lives reeling in our sexual thoughts and urges whenever it was appropriate — and maybe even at times when we could have been more free with our thoughts and urges. We’ve done this not only because it’s the right thing to do, but for our own freaking survival.

Here’s the thing: If I stared at my male coworkers the way some men stare at their female coworkers, there’d be hell to pay. If I make an unwanted advance on a guy, it could get me into a lot of trouble — in some cases, it could result in violence. (And half our society would actually take the side of the other guy even if he hospitalized me!

Now, I’m not saying I should be allowed to do anything of the sort. I actually like being a decent guy. I don’t want to be some entitled asshole who gets away with preying on uninterested and unwilling guys. I think consent in sex is a huge part of what makes sex worth it and want everyone involved to be a willing, contributing participant who is also getting something they want out of it. But the fact that society expects me an men like me to respect other men’s boundaries and treat them like humans rather than slabs of meat is relevant here.

Because it means that everyone knows men really can control themselves. It proves any claim to the contrary and absolute lie. It demonstrates that what people who say “men can’t control themselves” really mean that they believe men shouldn’t have to control themselves around women.

But if they came right out and said that, they’d have to accept just how monstrous their point of view really is. And they should have to own that, so I’m calling them on it.

Gender and Sexuality, Personal News, Politics

personal update 2019/04/13

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[Content Note: Harassment, misogyny, war on agency]

Since I dropped a post on here about a week ago and have been getting a small but steady trickle of traffic, I decided to do a “personal update” post. Especially in case any of my long-time readers (all five of you) are still around.

I’ve actually been wanting to blog more but have been struggling. There are a number of reasons for that. (Have I mentioned that I have a growing and possibly obsessive love of lists lately?)

  1. I’m trying to figure out what my “voice” should be. That is what I want to communicate and share with people.
  2. I’ve struggled with that process because it’s leading me to wonder what I’m really qualified to talk about.
  3. I’ve also struggled with it because it’s leading me to question what i can say that hasn’t already been said better by others.
  4. I’m married now and I need to balance my blogging time with spending time with my Hubby.
  5. Most of what I feel I want to and am qualified to say fits in a tweet or a string of tweets, but would not really make a good blog post (in my opinion at least).

That last point is why I’ve been spending a lot of my time on Twitter and Ive been pretty active over there. In fact, here’s another list (told you I was obsessed with the silly things) I’ve been up to on Twitter.

  1. As I mentioned in my previous post, I made an effort to get Pete Buttigieg, who is running for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020, to acknowledge how some of his “defenders” are harassing and attempting to silence his critics, particularly those who face oppression in ways Buttigieg does not (nor do I) and speak out against such harassment. At this point, I am declaring my attempt ineffective (other than hopefully making some of those who have been harassed feel seen). I’ve tweeted at him. I’ve emailed the only account I could find associated with his campaign. I just don’t see what more I can do.
  2. After watching people promote the anti-choice propaganda film, “Unplanned,” I started promoting counter-proposal and alternative to seeing the movie. [tweet 1115216412488892416 ]
  3. I’ve been getting much more involved with the exvangelical community and have enjoyed both hearing about other people’s experiences with evangelicalism and sharing in bringing people’s attention to the toxicity of evangelical culture.

On a more personal note — and because I realized I never actually blogged about it — I’ve been a happily married man since August 2016. Hubby (I have not asked his permission to use his name on this blog. He’s a fellow geek, a gamer, and a fellow witch. That last one is absolutely amazing to me, because he was only the second guy I’ve ever dated that was a Pagan (and the other relationship I had with a fellow witch lasted like a week). He’s also given me my first chance to actually play Dungeons and Dragons, and I love it.

So, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What’s going on with all of you, dear readers?

Politics

mAYOR PETE, HIS SELF-APPOINTED DEFENDERS, AND rELATIVE pRIVILEGE. aLSO, AN oPEN lETTER.

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As the presidential primaries have been gearing up, I — like many — have taken note of “Mayor Pete” Buttigieg, a gay white man who grew up in and is now the mayor of South Bend, Indiana and running for the Democratic nomination for president. As I’ve followed him, my concerns about what kind of president he would be, as have many other people.(1)

So many of us started to talk about our concerns and criticisms. One associate started asking for input from Black people living in South Bend regarding their experiences with and impressions of Buttigieg since the available information suggests that his policies and actions as mayor of South Bend have been disproportionately harmful for Black people. These are the kinds of things people do as a normal part of engaging in a presidential election cycle and the political process in general.

Well, some people didn’t see it that way. Fans and self-appointed defenders(2) of Buttigieg began to descend into conversations expressing these concerns and criticisms and began attacking and harassing some of us — that word “some” will be important as this conversation continues. In fact, in many cases, some of these harassers started leveling accusations of homophobia in an attempt to silence such discussions.(3)

I think it’s important to note that I personally have not been accused of homophobia or otherwise attacked. In fact, I’ve been in the exact same thread where others have been attacked, expressing my agreement with those being attacked. But the attackers gave me a free pass and continued attacking the others. So what’s the difference.

The difference that I observed is that unlike those attacked, I was a cisgender gay white man. Just like Buttigieg. The others were women and/or People of Color. In other words, the people being attacked are people who marginalized and oppressed(4) in areas where Buttigieg and I both share relative privilege. That’s an important thing to note in a world where many white cisgender gay men seem to not care about supporting or defending others who face struggles and oppression that we are personally immune from.(5) In fact, many such men will throw others under the bus and even attack them. So the fact that Buttigieg’s attackers seem to be specifically focusing their attacks on women and/or People of Color is of special concern

Watching this unfold in real time on Thursday afternoon upset me. As I fumed, it occurred to me to reach out to Buttigieg. I figured that given how much alike we are — particularly in terms of the areas of oppression we endure and areas of relative privilege we enjoy — I could make a plea as a kindred spirit. So at roughly 2pm on Thursday afternoon, I addressed a series of tweets to him, asking him to publicly and unequivocally condemn those who are harassing and attempting to silence his critics. I have periodically re-tweeted and quote-tweeted the thread, as I notice that his mentions are extremely full. Because of how quickly his mentions are so active, I also decided that maybe an email would be better, so I reworked the thread into and email which I sent to the info account for his “Pete For America” website, the only email address I could find associated with his campaign.(6) I sent it out at 5:45pm on Thursday.

So far, I’ve received no response, via neither Twitter nor email. realize that it’s hasn’t been quite 48 hours, but it seems like I should have received at least an acknowledgement that my message was received by now.(7) So I continue to infrequently send a Tweet Buttigieg’s way to remind him that people are harassing certain classes of people in the name of “defending him” and I would really like him to speak up about it.

In closing, I have also decided to turn the email I sent to him into an open letter. To that end, I have included the full text of my email in below. I would also ask any white man — especially if you happen to be cisgender and gay like Buttigieg and me — to help boost the signal on this issue. We have a responsibility to both women and People of Color to speak out when they are harassed and silenced, even when criticizing or expressing concerns about Pete Buttigieg’s political record and views.

***

From: Jarred Harris [email address redacted]
To: [“info” account” at PeteForAmerica website]

Mr. Buttigieg,

I hope that this is the correct email address to which to send my concerns. Unfortunately, it was somewhat difficult to find an email account associated with your presidential campaign.

My name is Jarred Harris. I am forty four years old and live in western New York. I have many of the same qualities as you.
1.I am a man.
2.I am white.
3.I am cisgender. (To the best of my knowledge, this also applies to you. My apologies if I am mistaken.)
4.I am gay.

I come to you as someone who shares these four qualities with you. While the fourth one has almost certainly been a source of oppression for both of us, the first three grant us certain kinds of relative privilege when compared to those who do not share all of those qualities with us.

Sir, some of your supporters and self-proclaimed defenders on Twitter — and I suspect this is happening elsewhere — are using accusations of homophobia to attack, harass, and silence people — especially women and people of color (acknowledging that there is significant overlap between those two groups of people) — who are expressing concerns and/or offering criticisms of your political views and activities. This is unacceptable behavior, and I hope that you wholeheartedly agree. People — especially people who experience oppression in areas where you and I enjoy relative privilege — must be free to engage in criticism, which is an essential part of the political process. I ask that you find a way to unequivocally communicate the message that you do not approve of the weaponization of accusations of homophobia in order to silence your critics. I ask that you publicly condemn this behavior full-throatedly and with unquestionable conviction.

In closing, I would again draw attention to the fact that many of the critics being attacked thusly are women and people of color. Historically, many cisgender gay white men (and therefore organizations run by them) have fought hard to end our own oppression while ignoring or even worsening the plight of those who are oppressed in other or additional ways. I would note that this moment is an opportunity for you to demonstrably break with that history and meaningfully demonstrate that you are not such a man and other forms of oppression matter to you.

Regards,
Jarred Harris
[email address redacted]
Twitter: JarredH

***

Notes:

(1) I do not intend to go into detail about what my or others’ concerns are. However, if you read this article and this one with a critical eye, you should at least start to get a picture.

(2) For the record, I am including one individual who insists he was actually a Kamala Harris supporter until all our mean “attacks” against “Mayor Pete” angered him, so now he’s going to quit supporting Harris in retribution. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Harris is Buttigieg’s opponent in this primary. I would expect one of her supporters to be delighted to see honest criticism of and concerns about Buttigieg taking place. Furthermore, I’d expect them to see this as an opportunity to show us how Harris is better at addressing the issues that obviously matter us than Buttigieg.

(3) Let me say right now that I 100% believe that homophobic attacks have been leveled against Buttigieg since he started running for the Democratic denomination. I’ve seen such attacks and i’ve spoken out against them whenever I’ve seen them. I will continue to do so. But I know a thing about homophobia, and I can definitively say that “I’m concerned that Buttigieg doesn’t seem to care about Black lives or the particular struggles Black people face” is not homophobia. Neither is “I’m don’t feel that Buttigieg doesn’t has sufficient experience to be a good president at this time.” If you consider those kinds of statements to be homophobic, then I’m betting good money that you are one of the harassers and silencers I’m talking about.

(4) It’s important to note that some of the people being attacked and silenced are part of the LGBTQ+ community, so they actually experience the same oppression as Buttigieg and myself in addition to racism and/or misogyny (or the intersection of the two, misogynoir).

(5) In fact, my own concerns about Buttigieg’s run for the presidential nomination started out because various quotes by and articles about him left me with the impression that Buttigieg might be such a man himself.

(6) Thanks to a friend who was willing to do a little sleuthing for me, I also have his email account associated with his position as mayor of South Bend. I may send the email there as well, but I want to discuss it with someone far more familiar with the political process and political activism regarding the appropriateness of such an act.

(7) Those more experienced in this sort of political engagement are welcome and encouraged to set me straight regarding my expectations if needed. For that matter, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to be more effective in my endeavor. From those who have more experience with this kind of political engagement, mind you. If you think that you have wisdom to offer the solely flows from the some innate trait you possess (*cough* fellow white men *cough*), please save yourself the time.

Gender and Sexuality, Politics, Religion

NOM’s “scary study results” are only scary if you lack nuance

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Alvin McEwen blogged on Monday about NOM pushing a new Regnerus “study.”  McEwen rightfully points out how dishonest it is for NOM to continue pushing Regnerus’s work despite the fact that he and his work have been heavily discredited over the past several months.

What I find interesting is how NOM presents and interprets this new “study”:

Activists trying to force a redefinition of marriage on America have constantly evaded the question, “what is marriage?” Meanwhile, they have insisted that gays and lesbians simply want access to the same sacred institution of marriage and that they don’t intend to change anything about that institution.

But the survey responses from gay men and lesbians themselves don’t support these claims.

The institution envisioned by those who want to redefine marriage isn’t faithful… it isn’t exclusive… it isn’t permanent… put bluntly, it isn’t marriage.

So basically, Regnerus polls a bunch of people about a number of views and NOM tries to interpret the answers to those views as people’s understanding of what marriage is.  That’s problematic at best.

So let’s take a look at some of those views from the poll.

Viewing pornography is OK.  This one has absolutely nothing to do with marriage.  Some people look at porn.  Others don’t.  Some married people watch porn.  (Some even watch it with their married partner!)  Some don’t.  Some single people watch porn.  Some single people don’t.  Saying that viewing pornography is acceptable doesn’t really reveal much — if anything — about one’s views of marriage.

I’d also like to note that saying that viewing pornography is okay is not that same as saying that viewing pornography is never problematic.  Yes, if viewing pornography is interfering with one’s relationship(s) (by say, changing your attitudes toward the people in your life, especially your romantic partner), that’s a huge problem.  However, that does not mean that viewing pornography in general is a horrible thing.  NOM is effectively trying to use this one statement to cast everything in a black and white argument where there is much more nuance to be considered.

Premarital cohabitation is good.  Again, this statement really doesn’t tell you anything about a person’s views on marriage.  A person may think that living together before marriage is good and important and yet still consider their wedding vows of great importance when the take them.  In fact, some people promote living together before marriage because they take their wedding vows seriously and want to have a sense of how living together will work out before making the final commitment.

No-strings-attached sex is OK.  It seems to me that this one goes off the rails in various ways.  Most notably, I think it demonstrates that NOM is projecting it’s own belief that every person (excepting possibly clergy) should get married onto everyone else.  I don’t believe that every should get married.  What I believe is that LGBT people who want to get married should be allowed to do so.  If LGBT people who prefer not to get married would rather engage in no-strings sex with each other, I say more power to them.  It doesn’t change how I feel about marriage.  NOM fails to understand that the facts that I think I should be allowed to get married and that other people should be allowed to pursue other relationship and sexual choices for themselves are not contradictory.

Also, I’ll note that it’s possible to enjoy no-strings sex while single and still look forward to a more committed relationship in the future.  NOM doesn’t seem to understand that, either.  (Not surprising, as I suspect there’s a lot of ideological overlap between NOM and purity culture, which tends to at least imply that any sex outside of marriage “ruins” you for marriage.)

Couples with kids should stay married except for abuse.  You know what?  I don’t believe in auditing other people’s lives.  I think that individual families need to consider their own circumstances and work out what the best choices for themselves are.  I do not feel qualified nor do I feel I have or deserve the authority to tell them under what circumstances they are allowed to make which choices.  If NOM thinks that this means that I don’t take marriage seriously, then NOM doesn’t know me at all.  I know what my goals are for marriage.  I just realize that (1) those goals may not work for everyone and (2) they ultimately may not work out for me either.  I’m simply open to that possibility.

Marital infidelity is sometimes OK.  Okay, this is a position that I tend not to hold.  I tend to believe that if you’ve made a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, you should keep that commitment.  If you find you can’t keep that commitment, then you should either seek to renegotiate the relationship or honestly seek to end it.  Yes, I do consider ending a relationship acceptable.  So I will acknowledge that while I see marriage as ideally permanent, I accept the reality that it doesn’t always work out that way in practical terms.  But I don’t see the benefit in denying reality, so I don’t see this as some huge admittance of defeat on my part.

It is OK for 3+ adults to live in a sexual relationship.  I’m totally on board with this one, and unapologetically so.  So no, I don’t see marriage as necessarily exclusive.  I think that’s for the people involved to determine for their own relationship(s).

I just don’t see that as a horrible thing.  Truth be told, I find the idea that Christians — especially Christians who scream about “taking the Bible literally” — being anti-polyamory rather odd, anyway.  The Old Testament is full of men — men deemed Godly by the text and tradition — taking multiple wives (and concubines, no less).  And there are only two explicit prohibitions against polygamy in the Bible, both of which limit the prohibition to specific groups of people.  (That’d be the kings of Israel in t Old Testament and pastors/bishops in the New Testament.)

But setting all that aside, does the fact that I’m unwilling to condemn or criticize people who choose a polyamorous relationship really destroy my own right to enter into a legally recognized monogamous marriage?

Ultimately, it seems to me that NOM’s argument is that they only want to let people into their marriage club if those people are willing to go on policing the choices of others.  I’m not okay with that.