Category Archives: Sexuality

Memories, Sexuality

The things kids discuss during class!

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I’d like to preface this post with a warning that it will contain some frank sex talk. While I certainly don’t consider what I’m about to say explicit enough to merit an NC-17 rating, I also respect that it might make some of my readers uncomfortable. As such, I would encourage everyone to use their own discretion while deciding whether to continue reading or skip this one.

Now that I’m home and had some time to think about it, I decided it’s time to return to Barbara (unfortunately, her blog is marked private, so it’d do my readers no good to link to it) and her excellent question:

What is a childhood memory or even that has shaped your life in a significant way (either negatively or positively)

I suppose some might choose to pounce on the fact that the vast majority of the memories that rushed to my mind when I read this question related to sexuality. To be honest, most of the prominent memories from my childhood — especially those that I consider somehow significant — really do have to do with sexuality. I make no apologies for it. And while I feel I don’t need to justify it, either, I will point out that when you’re at war with your sexuality, it does tend to consume a considerable portion of your life.

At any rate, the memory I decided to focus on was of the day I first found out that there was such a thing as sex between two men. I was in the eighth or ninth grade at the time (I can’t narrow it down any better than that), and I and the rest of my peers were sitting at our desks in English class. I’m not sure whether the bell to signal the class was starting hadn’t rung yet or the teacher had to step out for other reasons. For whatever reason, however, we were left to our own devices, and numerous conversations were going on about the room. I was only peripherally involved with the one occurring one row from my desk, though I became interested in it. At one point, the others mentioned a rumor that two guys from school (one in our grade and another a couple years behind us) had been caught “screwing” each other.

At this time in my life, I was extremely naive when it came to most topics about sexuality. This is something that greatly amused some of my classmates, I think. So when I actually asked what it meant for two guys to “screw,” one of my classmates described the basic concept to me in a tone that would best be described as a cross between amusement and disgust. I was both fascinated and disconcerted by this discovery. I didn’t really understand how the mechanics of such an act worked, and I wasn’t inclined to pursue the matter any further, given my classmates’ obvious distaste for the subject.

So in a single moment, I learned three things. The first thing that I learned was that it was possible for two guys to sexually pleasure each other. The second thing that I learned was that most of my classmates found the very idea of doing so disgusting. And of course, the third thing that I learned was that unlike my classmates, the thought of having such an experience absolutely fascinated me.

At one point after this conversation, one of the boys from the rumor (the younger one) and I were in the same Boy Scout troop. I remember stealing quick looks at him and thinking about that conversation back in English class. Again, I found myself fascinated with the whole idea. I even considered ways I might get him alone to see if he’d be willing to fool around with me. I never did, though I’m not sure whether it was more due to the fear of rejection or due to the knowledge that doing so could prove to further set me apart from my peers and stigmatize me. And of course there were the religious issues.

So there you have it, during a single off-handed conversation in English class, I both got my first clue that I like guys and learned that many people felt this was something to be ashamed of.

Gender and Sexuality, Movies, Religion, Sexuality

Movie Review: Rock Haven

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Tonight, I rented and watched a copy of Rock Haven. This movie is the tale of young man, Brady, who moves to a new town (I get the impression it’s actually a small island off the west coast based on clues from the movie). Brady is a quiet young boy raised in a conservative Christian environment, planning to head to Bible college at the end of summer. However, Brady’s plans and life become quite upset when he meets his new neighbor, the nineteen year old Clifford who comes from a non-traditional background (his mother appears to be a part of the New Age movement). As the movie progresses, the two boys become friends and fall in love. Indeed, the entire plot revolves around Brady’s struggle to come to terms with his feelings for Clifford in light of his faith.

Let me first say that as I’ve lived some aspects of Brady’s life, I am struggling not to be too critical of the movie. The writer, director, and actor set a monumental task for themselves by taking on the challenge of trying to portray this subject matter in a seventy eight minute movie. There is simply no way for them to truly portray the struggles — not to mention the intensity those struggles reach — in such a short amount of time. If I were to measure their portrayals against my own experiences without considering this fact, I would have to call the movie a complete failure. However, given the time constraints, I admit that they did a fair job.

I think that one of the things the movie did quite well was to demonstrate how lonely this struggle can be. As Brady first reacts poorly to Clifford’s advances, Brady realizes that the “problem” lies within himself and he feels drawn to Clifford despite what he believes about such attractions. And yet, he realizes that there is no one he can turn to. He suffers through this alone. Certainly, he goes to the pastor of his church a few times to discuss Clifford, but he takes care never to tell the pastor the whole truth. I recognized this self-editing and self-imposed isolation all too well and found myself thinking of my own past.

The movie also does well to demonstrate that this struggle ultimately affects everyone around Brady. Clifford finds himself facing a new challenge each time he comes into contact with his love. Brady’s mother confesses that she can feel the walls building between herself and her son. Even Peggy, the girl that Brady’s mother tries to fix him up with (with the help of Peggy’s own mother, of course) is the occasional target of Brady’s frustrations.

I did feel that the movie lost me after Brady and Clifford spent the night together. Perhaps it was because my own life took a different path (I actually clung to my first lover for dear life out of a sense of desperation), but Brady’s choice to seek help afterwards just seemed ill conceived to me. It seemed too unreal to me for Brady to lay in bed with another man and talk about being safe, yet turn around and decide to abandon his love and try counseling after a single conversation with his mother. Perhaps if the movie had done more to re-instill the sense of guilt over a couple more scenes, it would’ve made more sense to me.

I will say that the conflict between Brady and his mother was well done, (though not as well as the conflict between young Aaron Davis and his mother in Latter Days. The scene where the two talk in Brady’s bedroom after he announces he’s not going away to get help was truly touching and showed the pain of two people who love each other facing off from immovable points of view. Of course, I particularly loved the extra touch where Brady announced to his mother that he forgave her.

The other part I loved about the exchange was when his mother told him that he was making the biggest mistake of his life by staying. Brady simply responds by noting that he has already made the biggest mistake of his life (presumably letting Clifford fly to Barcelona to live with his father). I think most of us who went through a period of denying our sexuality can identify with those sentiments. I know that as I watched this movie, I found myself thinking of my teen years and what I might have done with them had I come out to myself sooner.

Gender and Sexuality, Sexuality

Considering an “ex-gay” letter

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Matt over at InterstateQ has an update on the recent doings of Michael Glatze, former editor of Young Gay America and now happy ex-gay. Apparently, he’s been sending an email to various gay bloggers, the full test of which can be found courtesy of Good as You. (Other bloggers, like Brady, have received the same message as a comment on their blogs. Being the curious sort, I decided to read this mass mailing. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Part of me wants to laugh because of how ridiculous the whole thing is. However, the part of me who realizes that Mr. Glatze likely believes the things he’s saying wants to cry. At any rate, I had to comment on a few comments in this “email.”

Think about that; you could ? really ? be a man or a woman! Not a strange creature? but, real!

Apparently, Mr. Glatze has confused sexual orientation with Gender Identity Disorder. The fact that I am romantically and sexually attracted to other men does not negate the fact that I am a man myself one iota. If Mr. Glatze felt that his homosexuality made him “less of a man,” then that is unfortunate and something he should have sought to rectify. But I find his desire to project his lacking sense of masculinity on me or the rest of the gay community at large.

Gay Identity has been packaged and fed to you…

Actually, gay identity is something that I came to understand myself. In reality, I grew up knowing nothing about gay identity. In fact, I didn’t know there was such a thing as same sex sexual activity until seventh grade. (And believe me, it wasn’t presented to me in a positive light by any stretch of the imagination.) No, the idea of sexual orientation as an integral part of identity was something I didn’t learn about until well into adulthood, after many years of trying to change or ignore my feelings and desires.

…those angry voices in your mind, planted there by Satan, might scream and judge and ridicule…

This may be one of the most bizarre statements I have heard in a long time. To suggest that there are voices in another person’s head — angry or otherwise — seems absolutely strange. I find myself wondering if Mr. Glatze makes this suggestion because he has angry voices inside his head. After all, it is common for us to assume that everyone thinks and feels exactly like us. If that is the case, then Mr. Glatze has my deepest sympathy. Because if he’s been dealing with angry voices in his head, he has much bigger issues to face than the question of his sexual orientation. I merely hope he gets any hope he might need.

I know, in my heart, that all homosexuals desire to be free.

The thing that Mr. Glatze fails to understand is that many of us are free. The problem is, he chooses to see a non-heterosexual orientation as something that holds us in bondage. He is welcome to that opinion. But to assume that we share that basic viewpoint with him on any level and therefore desire the “freedom” he’s offering is both foolish and rude.

This man’s letter demonstrates everything that is wrong with the ex-gay movement.

Emotions, Gender and Sexuality, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality, Writing

Queer Year in Review

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Once again, I find myself looking at the calendar to find the words “April 1st” written in simple letters. And once again, I find myself thinking about the special significance those words have for me. For those who may be new to this blog or my life, those words mark the anniversary of the day I came out to myself and a very good friend. And while I stated last year that I’m not big on commemorating yearly anniversaries of “life-changing events,” I’ve decided that I will make note of this particular anniversary again this year. Perhaps my opinion on such commemorations is changing, and this will become a normal practice for me. Or perhaps this is just one more of a tiny number of exceptions to that attitude. In the end, it doesn’t matter. I simply feel called to write this post, and I will do so. I’ll worry about the implications some other day.

Part of the reason I feel particularly called to do this again this year is that this has been a year of changes for me, sexuality-wise. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m still a raging homo with an attitude. I sincerely doubt that will ever change. But over the past year, I think I’ve gone through some growth periods that will ultimately allow me to express my sexuality more freely and comfortably. So this anniversary post is about reviewing a few of those changes.

I think the most notable change came around my thirty-second birthday this past June. I spent the weekend hanging out at the psychic fair that the POC did. I spent both days ogling the cute guys that walked through and talking about them with a friend the entire time. Now, this isn’t entirely a new practice for me. However, it was the first time I’ve done so without trying to be a little discreet and worrying about whether the guys I’m checking out noticed. As this particular weekend went by, however, I became less and less concerned about anyone noticing. I got bolder, and probably more than a little out of control by the time the event was over. I remember one friend sat by me and commented that if I kept making some of the sounds (mostly a very interested “hmmm” sounds), people were going to realize what I was doing. In that moment, I realized that I really didn’t care if they did. I figured if some guy realized I was checking him out, he should feel flattered. And if he was really flattered, he should come over and say hi!

That same weekend, my attitudes about myself and my body started to change. I began to realize that I really was a good looking guy. I also realized that I needed to come to believe in myself as a sexually attractive man, despite my own hang-ups about my body-image. Since June, that’s been a highly common theme in my life, and I’ve found an increasing ability to look in the mirror and smile, knowing that there really is a good looking guy smiling back at me from that reflective surface.

Of course, my recent relationship, though terribly short-lived, also helped me in that realm. The young man I ended up getting involved with went through a great deal of effort to pursue me (though not as much effort as the next one may find necessary, as I’ve now found the bliss of being pursued) gave me the first inkling that yes, there really were guys out there who could also see my allure. And despite my sadness over how things went, that realization is something I continue to carry with me, and hopefully always will.

The other major change in my life has been Journey, of course. The past year has involved a germination process which ended in the site’s release just this past month. However, the idea for the book can probably be traced back to this past summer as well.

One of my greatest goals since coming out has been to encourage and help other gay and bisexual people in their own self-discovery and coming out process. It’s a goal that I first reached towards just a year or two after my own coming out when I wrote a moving essay encouraging others to accept themselves for who they are. To me, Journey is an extension of that same effort.

I originally started formally collecting notes for Journey and even writing a very rough draft back in October. I still have the journal I used, and have even referred to it to see if I missed anything when writing the pages for the site. Back then, I had planned on turning Journey into a book, which had no title. It wasn’t until events in March convinced me that a website was the preferred medium for the project.

Writing Journey has been a journey in itself. Indeed, it’s become part of the very journey I’m writing about, just a later part of the story. It’s given me many chances to look back at many of the struggles I’ve faced and wounds I’ve needed to heal and gauge my progress. In many cases, it has been exhilarating and shown me in concrete ways just how much I’ve healed in grown. In some cases, it’s served as a somewhat painful reminder of those areas where I still need to work. In the end, I find myself wondering who will benefit most from the project when all is said and done. Those I had in mind when starting it or myself?

As I sit here today, thinking about all of these things, I find myself filling with a peaceful contentment and glowing pride. While I never saw it during most of the past twelve months, I can consider these things and realize that I’ve done a lot of growing in the past year. But more importantly, I can see the next layer of foundation that I laid to continue that growth process over the coming year. So my contentment and pride are ultimately married with a sense of anticipation and excitement for the next stage of the journey. Is there a better position to be in than that?

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality

I need to do that more often

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Last night, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I wrote an erotic story. I think the last time I did that was back in 2005, maybe even 2004. I forgot just how much I enjoyed it. It’s a way to really express myself. And since it’s about the only sexual outlet I have right now (well, other than the obvious one), I think I’ll be making use of it more often.

As a result, I found myself in a rather mellow mood. I came home practically floating. And that’s even after writing another rather personal part of Journey!

The singleness thing is starting to get to me again, though. The problem is, it’s difficult to go through all of this intense self-exploration and revealing such intimate parts of myself, only to know that I don’t have someone to share them with in that special way. I’ll manage, though. After all, I really do want someone special, and not just someone I can make use of. That’s not my style, and I’ve felt guilty the few times I even came close to doing any such thing.

I’m also feeling pretty vulnerable right now, which is both good and bad. It’s good, because I like that my feelings aren’t locked away, wishing desperately to get out. But at the same time, it also means I’m vulnerable. And that’s scary.

Gender and Sexuality, Movies, Sexuality

A Great Movie and Gay Stereotypes

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Today, while recuperating from whatever illness beset me late yesterday afternoon, I decided to watch But I’m a Cheerleader, which is possibly one of the cheesiest movies I have ever seen. This is a movie that tries to play off of every stereotype of gay men and lesbians they can think of. And amazingly, it works in this instance.

I think the reason it works for this movie is because it’s a movie about a group of young people who have been shipped off to some insane camp to turn them all straight. The camp attempts to do this by teaching each teen to break away from the queer stereotypes and try to act more like tha “proper” boy or girl, based on gender stereotypes we’ve all heard.

I think part of what makes the whole thing funny, if a little scary, is that based on some of my own investigations of groups that try to turn gay people straight — including one book I read while back in college, such programs really do put a significant amount of stock in such stereotypes. Suddenly, being a straight guy is as much about being able to talk cars and sports as it is about who you want to cuddle with. (And we won’t even mention all the other things we want to do together!)

I think I find this mentality particularly strange because there are certain stereotypes I fit that have nothing to do with the fact that I’m gay. For example, I absolutely stink at sports. Whether it’s volleyball, baseball, soccer, football, or any other sport you can name, I’m lousy at it. However, that’s because of how my brain chose to adapt to the fact that I lived the first twenty eight or so years of my life with a lazy eye. Having your entire perception of the world shift to the left or right by a couple inches at a critical moment tends to make catching, hitting, or kicking a quickly moving object quite the challenge. Being gay has nothing to do with it. It’s just one of those odd coincidences.

And that’s the problem with such stereotypes around gender and sexuality. They completely miss the bigger picture.

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality

Sexual Self-discovery

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I think one of the truly frustrating things I’ve had to face over the past several days is the realization that as far as my journey of sexual self-discovery has come, I still have further to go. Worse, I’ve discovered that some of the lessons in that respect were not as well learned as I would like to think. I find myself looking at a refresher course.

One of the more painful lessons was that I need a certain amount of security and safety built up to truly express myself sexually and feel comfortable with sharing that part of myself with another person. This isn’t exactly news to me, as I’ve always known it on one level or another. But the past several days have reinforced that truth, and reminded me of some of the costs that can result from allowing myself to ignore it. And while I certainly wouldn’t change any of the mistakes I’ve made recently, I can honestly look at them and acknowledge them as mistakes.

As I sit here and think about this, I find myself considering the various reasons why I took things too fast. After all, there are more than one, each influencing my decision-making process. Some are quite simple, such as the fact that at the time, things just seemed to be too right not to make the choices I did. Then there’s the fact that the past nine months have involved a process in which I’ve been rediscovering just what it means to me to be a sexual person — the person that I am. So when the opportunity to explore that more experientially, it only made sense to do so.

But it also reminded me that I need to be the person I am — even the sexual person I am — on my terms. I need to first create an environment and a relationship in which I’m comfortable exploring. I forsook building up to that place of comfort and raced ahead because it seemed like the right thing to do. And as a result, I’ve been reminded of why I shouldn’t do that.

Hopefully, I remember and exercise better judgement the next time I find myself faced with such choices.

Gender and Sexuality, Sexuality

Masculinity and Sexuality

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My friend, James, once commented to me that in our society, masculinity is a terribly fragile thing. To underscore his point, he offered an example: ?If a guy likes flowers, it?s automatically assumed he?s gay.? I?m certainly inclined to agree with James on his observation, but I also have to admit that I find myself wondering what being gay has to do with one?s masculinity. After all, I?m gay, and I consider myself 100% male. My masculinity is not up to debate.

Because of this conversation, I started wondering why this idea that gays are inherently ?not masculine? comes from. And while I considered all of the stereotypes which are the source of James?s lament, I decided that the matter had to go deeper than that. So I dug deeper, and realized that the real issue is deeply routed in how our society ? and especially the men in it ? have viewed sex in general over the past few decades.

Sex and sexual prowess has been the primary determination of a man?s masculinity for quite some time, now. Indeed, the only other factor of masculinity that even comes close to degree of importance is athleticism and physical strength. To comfirm this, one merely needs to go back to the high school locker room and pay attention to the two things that teenage boys brag to each other about: How great they did at the last game and what girl they ?bagged? over the weekend.

When you look at it from the most common view in our society, sex is all about the man. The man is the active partner, doing his thing to the woman, who is often seen as just laying there and letting him go at it. If she gets any pleasure from the experience, that?s fine. But even her pleasure is often seen merely as a sign of the man?s prowess and ability in bed. After all, anyone who watched the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine tells Jerry that she always faked orgasm whenever the two of them had sex knows that Jerry was far more concerned about how this demonstrated a lack of his own skill in bed than any sincere concern for Elaine?s lack of pleasure. Based on my own observations and conversations with people, I think it is safe to say that this is a clear case of television portraying a strong cultural trend.

But obviously, this paradigm only works when the sexual activity in question involves both a man and a woman. When you introduce a sexual situation which only involves men, this paradigm less becomes comfortable. Suddenly, rather than the activity being all about the man and the woman being a more-or-less passive participant, you have two men. Under this paradigm ? and it is only natural for us to try and squeeze any situation into our current paradigm because we are comfortable with it ? you are left with the problem that suddenly, one of the men must become passive and let it be all about the other man. Suddenly, a man has to subject himself to the needs and whims of another. This is a scenario that most men in our society cannot comprehend, and it makes them uncomfortable.

This passivity is something which men in our society have been taught to avoid as a rule. Indeed, in this sense, the idea of passively submitting to another man?s sexual prowess also collides with the competitive, athletic, and physical strength components of our understanding of masculinity.

Interestingly, some society?s ? and even some segments of our own society ? have dealt with this dissonance to some degree by only ostracizing gay men who take on the ?passive? role in male-to-male sex. In our society, you can see this by the fact that many men seem to be disgusted by the idea of ?taking it up the ass,? but remain relatively quiet about having anal sex with a receptive partner ? male or female.

The solution to this, of course, is to develop a new paradigm of human sexuality that does not rely so heavily on a strict dichotomy between passive partners and active partners, as well as coming to appreciate the importance of a receptive ? be it actively receptive or passively receptive ? role in sex. Not only will this help undo the divide between masculinity and homosexuality, but it will force us to further explore a broader and deeper understanding of masculinity.