I’ve been going through some inner conflict about relationships. Or to be more exact, I’m going through some inner conflict about my lack of a romantic relationship, my desire to start looking into changing that state of affairs, and my concerns and fears about doing so.
I’m to that point where I’ve pretty well grieved over Mike (I think). Sure, there’s some part of me hoping that he’ll still come to his senses and contact me out of the blue to beg me for another chance. But I think that’s more because it would be the “easy path” — which is much more attractive than going through the whole process of trying to make connections with a new person I hardly know, for obvious reasons — than any desire to specifically have Mike back in my life. As much as it saddens to admit it, his claims early in our relationship that I would “eventually figure out he’s not all that special” has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. His choices and actions made him “not all that special” (with the possibly exception of making him especially undesirable in the end). That’s a weird realization to come to. And part of me still doesn’t know how to respond to it.
At this point, I’m to that point of feeling like, “I’m not getting any younger, and Mr. Right isn’t going to knock on my door out of the blue.” I know deep down that if I ever do want to find a special someone and experience love again, I’m probably going to have to do some looking. I’m going to have to put myself out there, find, and consider the prospects. Heck, I might even have to go on a few disastrous dates with a couple guys I realize later I’m not all that interested in. In short, I need to work to create the reality I want.
But on the same hand, I find myself hesitating. I start asking myself all kinds of questions. Am I really ready? Can I really commit to this? Am I to the point where I can really start and appreciate a real relationship rather than just trying to “get over” my last experience? And can I really look at the person who’s there and choose him for him rather than just choosing whoever because, “hey, it’s a relationship.” In other words, am I looking for a person or somethign less? And I’m having trouble answering those questions and trusting myself to do so honestly.
I’m also at that point where I’m worried about letting such a search for love consume my life. I don’t want to let my entire life to become little more than a romantic reltionship. (In retrospect, I can say that I started allowing that to happen with Mike, and I see it for the mistake it was.) So I’m worried about finding that balance of continuing to establish my life here in general with the possible “search” for love.
Of course, there’s still the fact that I haven’t figure out how to best go about conducting such a search anyway. I still haven’t met a lot of people yet, and I’m still trying to figure out how to rectify that. My creative writing class starts tomorrow evening, and I’m hoping that’ll help to some extent. But overall, I’m still just confused and worried.