Saying goodbye to a friendship is never easy. However, I think it’s hardest when neither of you really want to say goodbye, yet know you have to. That’s the situation I’ve found myself in this week, and it’s quite possibly the most painful experience I’ve ever had. And let me just say that coming from someone who was on the brink of suicide twice in his life and even allowed other people to convince him that he was evil incarnate for about a week, that’s saying quite a lot.
It would be so much easier if either of us had done something malicious to the other. It would be easier if there had just been a fight, an argument over some sense of having been wronged. But there wasn’t any such thing. Instead, life has simply gotten in the way, and we can’t be there for each other right now. What’s worse, there’s no real guarantee of when that will change — or even that it ever will. That’s left one of us feeling hurt and the other feeling rather guilty. A bad situation all around.
So for now, we’ve said our goodbyes. They may be temporary, or they may be permanent. For now, I’m inclined to treat them as though they are permanent, simply because it’ll make the healing process easier, I think. There won’t be that temptation to go into denial about the whole thing and wait for something that may not come. If it comes — and I hope it does — it will be great. But in the meantime, there’s work to be done. So I’ll shed my tears and grieve so that I can get on with it as well as I can.