Category Archives: Introspection

Introspection, Personal Development, Religion

Peer Pressure in Strange Places

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Just last night, I started participating on a religious discussion message board on another site. I’ve met some interesting people, but I’ve also noticed there seems to be a very large contingent of people who are using the sight for a good bit of ego-stroking and demonstrating their own “spiritual superiority” (whether it takes the form of righteousness or enlightenment) at the expense of others. It makes for a harsh evironment, in many ways. I’m just hoping that those of us who are interested can create enough positive discussion to make it worthwhile.

But the big thing I noticed was how easy it would be for me to slip into the same kind of posturing. Each time I read an ego-driven post there, I find myself sorely tempted, almost eager, to tear the person down, with the painful realization that my own motives at heart are equally ego-driven. It troubles me how easily I could fall into that same trap just by being around it.

As such, I need to work on guarding myself against that temptation.

Deep Thoughts, Emotions, Introspection, Love, Memories, Paganism, Personal Development, Religion, Witchcraft

Turning Inward

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I’m not sure how many people read this blog any more. I know I’ve been silent for almost a month now. To be honest, I’ve logged in to write something several times since my last entry, but have never been able to get past the blank textbox.

This is one of those cases where many aspects of my life have caused me to turn inward, to work on projects and go through things that I’m not ready to post about yet. There’s just so much going on that still needs to be worked out in the stillness of my own mind before broadcast to the world, and as such, I leave what readers I may have wondering what’s going on.

What I can say is that my spiritual life is getting rather interesting right now. There are certain things that I need to work on and certain changes in my life that I’m making in order to prepare for the “next big step.” At some point, I hope to talk about some of that. But for now, I must leave it at this simple teaser.

I’m also working on a writing project, which I have several guides telling me will eventually coalesce into a publishable book. However, I’m in the very early stages of that process. Currently, I’m at the point where the project involves me spending regular times with a separate journal (as opposed to my “everyday” one) and writing about past experiences, people, and choices that I can remember, and my emotional reactions to them. It’s been both a rewarding and trying process, as not all of the memories or the realizations related to them are entirely comfortable. They’re not exactly painful, either. But they take a bit of processing at times.

One of the interesting things is that as I continue with this project, I find myself remembering little things that I had completely forgotten about, things that I haven’t thought about in a decade or more. That in itself can be a bit shocking. Of course, on the flip side, it’s also nice to suddenly discover that I have more memories of my life before high school than I might’ve thought. They’re just there waiting to be found.

Of course, a side effect of this process is that I find myself growing nostalgiac. I find myself wondering what ever happened to old friends, old school chums, and even an old lover or two. I find myself wondering what kind of people they are today. After all, it’s been at least a decade since I’ve seen some of them.

You can’t go home again. But at least you can visit. Even if only in your mind.

Emotions, Introspection

Weird mood

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I feel strange tonight. To be honest, I’m having a hard time describing my mood and emotional state. I think that the best word for describing the underlying theme is melancholy. but it’s a strange melancholy. I’m finding a certain comfort in it. It doesn’t depress me, if that makes any sense.

There’s also a strong sense of impermanence to it all. It’s as if in my sadness, there’s a deep knowledge that it will pass soon enough, departing to let my heart fill with light and joy. This knowledge lets me find comfort in my temporary darkness, wrapping it around me gently like a warm blanket as I wait “sunnier” times.

It’s not like I’m totally devoid of joy, anyway. Evenin my morose state, I can see the myriad little bright spots. I can see where I have treated myself with more honor and respect than I have in the past. I know I have friends I can turn to when I need an ear, and have even dared to call on them to offer those very services. I am loved, and I know it. What is a little sadness in the face of that?

Deep Thoughts, Introspection, Personal Development, Tarot

Musings on the Tarot: Robin Wood’s Devil

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I’m a bit of a tarot fan. I’ve collected a number of decks, as I find the artwork and the symbolism the artist puts into their interpretations. One of my all time favorite decks is The Robin Wood Tarot, named after its creator, artist and illustrator Robin Wood. Her deck has some absolutely beautiful artwork in it, and is an excellent blending of the symbolism traditionally (at least in the tradition of A.E. Waite and the Golden Dawn) associated with the tarot and her own ideas.

One of the cards in which Ms. Wood chose to go away from the traditional symbolism was major arcana card, The Devil. (A picture of this card from her deck can be found on the page linked to in the previous paragraph.) Whereas this card traditionally shows a demonic figure towering over two smaller figures in chains, Ms. Wood’s deck shows two individuals in a dark hallway or tunnel, holding onto a large chest. This card happens to be one of my favorite cards in this deck because it captures my own feelings about the underlying meanings of “The Devil” in tarot. This card takes the “devil” and transmutes it from being about being in bondage to an external figure to an inner condition of self-imposed bondage.

If you look at the card closely, you will notice that the only thing truly in bondage in this picture is the chest that the figures are holding onto. In reality, the two individuals are completely free. At any moment, they could choose to let go of the chest and walk boldly into the daylight, escaping their “prison.” And yet, they do not do this. Instead, they hold on to the chest, not willing to let it go.

The chest is partly open, showing its treasures inside. It is undoubtedly these treasures — and the figures’ desire for them — that keep the “prisoners” in place. Their desire for riches and treasures prove greater than their desire for freedom, so they hold their place. Indeed, their desire for the treasure has probably convinced them that they themselves are in bondage, not recognizing their own complicity in their situation.

This message is further enhanced when you examine the chest itself. Its visible surfaces are covered in depictions of the primitive “monkey trap.” This “trap” is nothing more than a coconut with a small hole drilled into it. Food is stuffed into the whole and the coconut is afixed so that it cannot be moved. When a monkey finds the coconut, it discovers the food. In its greedy hunger, the monkey will slip its hand through the hole in the coconut and seize the food. However, when it attempts to pull its hand back out, the hole proves too small to allow the monkey to extricate its prize-laden fist back out. Despite being frustrated by the trap, the monkey’s greed for the food will keep it from releasing its prize and extricating itself from the trap. Indeed, the monkey will remain their, grasping its prize in frustration until the trapper comes to check the trap. Even while being killed, the monkey will resolutely hang onto its prize.

In this way, the chest in the card loudly proclaims its own nature to its “captives.” But their greed blinds them to this, and they remain as “trapped” as the pictured monkeys.

Of course, like all tarot cards, there is a danger in reading this card too literally. Not all “treasures” have monetary value. Nor do all traps of this nature have physical bait. In reality, there are many things — be they memories, relationships, or past experiences — in our lives which we may be better off leaving behind. However, in some way, we believe ourselves to need them — or at least to be better off with them. So we hold on to them, enduring whatever bondage they may hold us in. In time, we find ways to ignore the trap, or at least cease associating our choice to cling to the “treasure” with the resultant “bondage.”

Robin Wood’s card, “The Devil” reminds us to be mindful of these “traps.” It calls us to ask ourselves if there is something we would be better off letting go of if it means increased freedom or peace.

Introspection, Memories, Personal Development

Revelation About Writing

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The following is an excerpt from a special journaling project I’ve started:

It wasn’t until Serenity and Zech came along that I received enough encouragement to truly develop my inner writer. I had written a little at the end of college — mostly to help myself cope with my coming out struggles — and those two eventually got me to share. They both loved it and encouraged me to push myself further. I became more confident and open to showing others my work.

Thinking back, I better understand why I chose to put my pen down for so long after they hurt and abandoned me. They had built up my writing so much, it felt like they took it all back when they turned.

Of course, I know that’s not true now. My writing is something that comes from within me, and is therefore not something they could take from me — nor can anyone else. They could only take away their support. But now, I know I don’t need it (and never did). I only need to connect to the writer within. He’s al I need. I’m all I need. I can be my own encouragement.

Coming to this realization tonight was liberating and empowering in a way that really surprised me. Suddenly, I found myself feeling a whole lot more inspired. In fact, I’m seriously considering starting a fiction project in the near future.

Deep Thoughts, Introspection, Paganism, Personal Development, Religion

Mistaking Opportunities for Obstacles

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I don’t normall do “cut and paste” columns. However, Juliaki’s insights on this particular topic was too perfect not to share her words. I’m thankful for her graciousness in allowing me to repost them here.

I asked the gods for support and guidance on my path. I asked them to help build me up so that I could go higher than I was, and closer to them. From out of the sky, a shower of boulders slid from the mountain and blocked my path, a pile of boulders higher than my height by far. I raised my fists to the heavens and yelled up to the gods, “I have always been good in your service. I have always done the best that I could. Now, when I ask for your help to rise above the challenges of the world for just a moment, you put obstacles in my way! Why have you done this to me? I ask you to remove them at once!”

The gods whispered to me, with patience so plain, “What you see as obstacles are actually blessings on your path. These obstacles, as you call them, are there so that you may use the will that we gave you to climb up and to rise above the challenges of the world for a moment. If you faced the challenges we gave you with the strength of spirit we put within you and worked through them with the courage of one who does instead of one who makes excuses, you would have risen above this challenge and been granted the wisdom of a wise vista.”

“But you asked for your path to be clear, and it shall be given to you.”

And with that, the boulders disappeared, leaving a flat road ahead of me. A road that looked the same as before, flat and unchanging. A road on which I could rise no higher, for I had rejected blessings as curses and demanded that convenience outweigh growth.

Going Out, Health, Introspection, Personal Development

Life changes

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Over the weekend, I’ve decided that it’s time to slowly institute some changes in my life. I’d love to say that I’m going to do them all, and that’s my eventual desire, but I don’t want to set up a goal I find I’m unable (or unwilling) to keep, only berate myself for the failure. So I think I’m going to make this a long term list of things I plan to accomplish over the next several months. Some of them may happen overnight, others may take a while. And some may be “hit or miss” in that I do them for a while, but then slack off. In that case, I’m giving myself permission ahead of time to accept it when it happens and just eventually start back up again.

First, I’ve decided I need to put some effort into decorating my house. I’ve already started by putting out my singing bowl and getting a bear figurine for the end table in the living room. And I have a plaque to hang by the door that says “Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much.” I’ll also have to figure out where I want to hang my picture of Icarus, and work on getting other items.

You see, I’m terrible at house-keeping. The living room is a complete mess, the kitchen table is all cluttered up (though it’s a lot better now that I spent twenty minutes going through a lot of the clutter, tossing junk, and finding homes for some of the important stuff), and the carpet is in desparate need of vacuuming. I think the reason for this is that I don’t think of this house as a home yet, so I don’t treat it like my home. (I’d never be this messy in someone else’s home, so why would I treat my own home like this?) So I think I need to invest a little time and effort into making the place look and feel like a home, my home. Hopefully, once I put the effort into it, I’ll take more pride in it, and keep it a bit tidier.

The next thing I want to do is to spend more time out of the house on a regular basis. I’ve slowly been withdrawing into solitude, and that’s not good. Last month, I realized that working on the POC was consuming too much of my time, so I backed off so I could have a life. Well, now it’s time to have more of a life. I’ve spent all of last week and some of today out and about and it’s done wonders for my state of mind, I think.

This is going to be hard for me to keep up with, though. It’s going to be a mental juggling act for a while. After all, I’ll still be going out on my own. And that means that there’ll come a point were I’ll start to wonder why I’m bothering. After all, what difference does it make whether I go out or stay in if I’m still on my own either way? But the going out is good. And it leaves open at least the possibility of interraction.

As an aside, I have noticed I’ve been a bit more social when in public recently. For example, while I was at Eastview Mall yesterday, I found myself walking behind this family. The little girl, about four or five I think, was pestering her mother, saying she wanted something. The mother turned to the little girl and said blatantly, “And I want a million dollars. Are you going to give it to me?” The little girl ran ahead (to bug her father I think) and I walked up next to the woman, smiled, and said, “I really loved your response,” and we both laughed at that. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like that. Between that and making more eye contact (like turning around and saying “thank you” or “you too” to a store clerk when they wish me a good day as I’m leaving rather than just mumbling it as I continue out the door), I think I’m starting to make progress in being more socially engaging. Hopefully, this is a good sign that continues to develop into a lasting change.

I’m also working on getting more physical activity in throughout the week. My original goal (as of two weeks ago) was to go to the fitness center they just added to my apartment complex three times a week. I didn’t meet that goal last week and probably won’t this week. But considering the amount of time I was on the my feet at the zoo, in the malls, walking around downtown State College, walking along the Susquehanna River, and checking out Highland Park, I just don’t feel it’s been necessary. I’ve had plenty of physical activity.

One thing that’s conspicuously absent from my list of goals is losing weight. Sure, that’s something I want to do at some point. But I feel it needs to wait. I need to learn to like myself how I am now, I think. I need to allow myself to feel and be attractive at my current size. Once I do that, I think I’ll have an easier time at setting, meeting, and maintaining weight loss goals. I think I’m currently sabotaging any such attempts with the belief that I’m not and can’t be attractive. And by association, I think that means I subconsciously can’t be thinner, because that would mean I’d also be good looking, which just can’t happen. So I need to work on the mental block where I am now before I can effectively seek to change that part of myself. (Gee, I hope that makes sense to someone else.)

The next six months should be interesting.

Gender and Sexuality, Introspection, Personal Development

Wow, ten years….

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Earlier this morning, I realized that it was April 1. I then realized that it was April 1, 2006. That’s exactly ten years after April 1, 1996. For those who might not be aware of it, April 1, 1996 was the day that I quit trying to “fix” my sexuality, and came out to both myself and my friend Merion. That means that as of about 8pm this evening, I have been “out” for ten years. So happy anniversary to me!

I’m not big on commemorating “life changing moments” every year. But for some reason, remembering my tenth coming out anniversary struck me as important today, so I thought I’d say a few things about it.

First of all, let me just reiterate that if you’re about to come out to your best friend and you find yourself prefacing your announcement with the phrase, “Please bear in mind this isn’t an April Fool’s joke,” you’ve probably chosen a bad day to come out. It’s something that Merion and I have joked about every so often for the past ten years.

I remember that night with some amazing details. I remember meeting Merion in the small alcove where our Small Group Bible Study (the one I was helping to lead and that Merion used to attend) met on Wednesday night. My stomach was all in knots and I think I was visibly shaking. It took me several long moments of hesitation to get the words out. I had a certain feeling like this was it. Once I took this step, there was no going back. And it’s hard to jump off the proverbial cliff like that. Ultimately, I’m glad I did and I’ve hardly looked back since, but my perspective was quite different back then.

Merion was momentarily stunned. I’m not sure whether she wasn’t expecting it (if so, she may well be the only person who hadn’t at least suspected something was up by then) or if she was just so surprised that I decided to tell her. She did tell me she was honored that I told her, which I sort of understand all of these years later. To me, it only made sense at the time. After all, she had come out to me the previous year.

I think that part of the reason thinking back to this event ten years ago is that it was my first “big change.” Considering the number of changes I’ve been through in the last ten years — including several changes in the past year — thinking back to the event that “got the ball rolling,” seems appropriate. I mean, on March 31, 1996, I was a “straight” (okay, that’s not entirely true, but that’s another complicated topic) evangelical Christian with highly conservative political leanings. The next day, I officially took the first step towards becoming the person I am today, a gay witch with a mostly left-leaning political outlook. Had you asked me back then if I ever thought I’d be where I am today, I think I would’ve laughed. Maybe even offended.

Isn’t life strange?

Introspection, Love, Paganism, Personal Development

Cute waiters and other minutia

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Sunday, I ended up going over to the POC again. Originally, I figured I’d just stop by for a bit of “face time” and then leave after a few minutes. Well, as it turns out, I ended up staying for quite a while. They were sanding furniture to get it ready to be repainted. I’m not big on sanding and it’s certainly not one of my strong points, but I decided to stick around and help out a little. After all, it meant being social and hanging out with other people. I’ve wanted a lot of that lately. And it was fun.

After working, a group of us decided to go out to supper together. We went to Denny’s and had quite a good time. Of course, once again, I decided that I really wanted to skip the food and just take our server to go. His name was Jason. He must’ve been in his mid-twenties and let me just say that he was fine. Both of the women I was with agreed that my taste was impeccable. In fact, they pestered me about asking him for his phone number. I decided against it.

It was a tempting thought, if I could’ve ever gotten up the nerve to do it. I don’t know, I’m still too afraid of rejection to ask a perfect stranger for his phone number or if he’d like to go out sometime. Of course, I also just feel I’m not ready to date someone. I realized the other day that there are just some things about my self-perception I need to change. Otherwise, I run the risk of expecting any boyfriend I have to make up for those issues, and that’s not right. I’ll probably write more about that sometime.

At any rate, it was a good day.