Category Archives: Love

Family, Love

Another wedding

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This Saturday, I rode with my parents, an aunt and uncle, and two cousins down to the Philadelphia area. There, we all attended my cousin Melissa’s wedding to Brian. It was a pleasant day and an enjoyable weekend.

My parents and I left their house around 8:05 that morning. Our first stop was to pick up Uncle Roger, Aunt Marlene, Rhonda, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is Rhonda’s daughter, who was not actually going to the wedding. We were just taking her to meet the family she would be spending the night with while her mother was away. After that, we swung by Sandrra’s house to pick her up, thereby completing our little entourage. After that, the meat of our four hour trip began.

The trip itself went quite well, the worst part being the horrendous traffic on Route 309 when we hit Quakerstown. Of course, there was also the minor issue where we missed our turn onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike from I-80, but we recovered from that quickly. Fortunately, no cop was around to notice our illegal U-Turn just a couple hundred yards from the exit.

I have to admit that I was a bit concerned about spending that much time with family in the van. I was particularly worried that the discussions would focus on religion and politics, two subjects in which I hold radically different views from 99% of the rest of my family, which means I either have to remain silent or risk starting a confrontation. This is certainly something I would’ve wanted to avoid, as it would’ve certainly affected everyone’s disposition at Melissa’s wedding. And I adore Melissa.

Fortunately, my concerns proved unfounded. I failed to consider that the lively religious and political discussions are mainly initiated and continued by the men in my family (particularly the husbands of a couple cousins). My aunt and two cousins (Uncle Roger was mostly silent or talked with my father) were much more interested in discussing the studies, extracurricular activities, and general well-being of their children and other family members. Of course, this also made me painfully aware of just how out-of-touch I have become with most of my family. After this weekend, I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. It’s something I will have to ponder later.

Sandra did inquire about my work, and quickly rediscovered why most of the family doesn’t inquire. As a software engineer, my job is quite technical and discussion of it in any detail tends to quickly go over most people’s heads. But it was certainly nice of her to ask.

At any rate, the trip down passed without any major mishaps or strife, and we made it to the church about seventy minutes before the wedding would start. As we hadn’t eaten, we decided to go look for someplace to eat. After wandering around lost for about five minutes, we found a helpful police officer who was able to give us directions to a plaza that had a McDonald’s, a Subway, and a few other options. We decided to go with McDonald’s.

After eating, I decided to change into my clothes for the wedding. I had worn my dress pants on the drive down, but chose to wear a nice tee shirt with it, figuring it would prevent the chance of me getting something on it (like ketchup or barbecue sauce) when eating lunch. So I put on my undershirt and the blue dress shirt I had chosen for the wedding (I’ll have to see if anyone has a picture of me in the outfit and get a copy) and exchanged my sneakers for dress shoes. Sandra told me I looked nice, which made me smile. Then we made our way back to the church.

The wedding itself was simple, yet beautiful. There were certain elements in the wedding ceremony that I have only seen in one other weddings — James’s. I found myself wondering if they were specific to Methodist Weddings, as James is also a methodist. (Though I should note that he and Michelle got married in a Wesleyan church.) And Melissa looked fantastic in her wedding gown.

After the wedding was over, we had some time to kill before the reception, so a large number of us (including a few more aunts, uncles, and cousins who came by themselves) decided to go to Dairy Queen. This is the point where I also got to see my cousin, Robin. I haven’t seen her in over a decade, so it was a pleasant surprise. We both commented that we hope we see each other sooner next time.

After finishing our ice cream and chatting for a while, we decided to go to the fire hall where the reception was to be held (after running back to the church to pick up those who wanted to stick around and take photographs, of course). The reception itself consisted of a dinner served family style. The chicken was absolutely delicious. The DJ they got for entertainment played some great music (though we left before the dancing got started, so we didn’t hear much of it). At about 7:30, everyone in our group decided it was getting time to head home, so we all piled into the van for the four hour or so trip back to northern PA.

Overall, it was a fantastic day.

Friends, Love

An old friend’s wedding

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The Happy Couple

This past Saturday, I went to the wedding of my friend, James, to his seminary sweetheart, Michelle. It was an absolutely gorgeous wedding ceremony, though a bit longer than most I’ve been to. This was primarily because whereas most weddings I’ve attended have strictly focused on the process of marrying a couple (vows, rings, etc.), there was a much broader element of worship involved this time. It was all quite beautiful.

One of the most interesting aspects (to me, at least) was the fact that the newlyweds administered Communion to everyone. James had mentioned to me that they planned to do it, as both he and Michelle had wanted their first act as a couple to be one of service to others. It was a beautiful thing.

Another interesting twist they put into the service was the dismissal process. Rather than having everyone pass through a receiving line, James and Michelle chose to re-enter the church and individually dismiss their guests themselves. It was a wonderful touch and made the whole process seem more personal.

Sharing the Cake

The wedding also served as something of a reunion for many of us who were friends while attending Susquehanna University. About ten of us who had been involved in Acts 29 attended the wedding, many bringing their spouses (for those who married outside our merry band of misfits) and children. And even Dianne, our old IVCF staffworker, was able to make it with her husband. As a result, everyone was able to spend some time catching up and learning what each other had been doing.

Of course, there was also a number of people from Asbury Theological Seminary present, as James and Michelle had made many common friends while attending there. As a bonus, this meant that I was able to meet Cathedral Days blogger, Michel, who also happened to be James’s best man.

Sunday morning, those of us from Susquehanna who were able to stay in the area met at the Williamsport Perkins for breakfast. By this time, our number was down to a mere nine adults and three children. Yet, the restaurant found it challenging to put together enough seating for all of us. But after fifteen or twenty minutes, their efforts paid off.

While at Perkins, Gerry gave me the third degree about the jewelry I was wearing. I had to go through each pendant as well as my bracelet and ring, explaining the significance and/or purpose of each. It turned out to be a pretty nice conversation.

I have created a photo album for this wedding. Currently, only the pictures included in this entry are there. I hope to add more later this week.

Emotions, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

A troublesome dream

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Last night, I had avery strange dreams. It bothered me in some ways, so I thought I’d write about it here.

The dream was about Mike. Somehow, he had found me and took me to dinner someplace so we could talk. He wanted the two of us to get back together. In fact, he was quite emphatic and persistent about it. And in the dream, a part of me really wanted to say yes. But another part of me was quite unenthusiastic about the idea. In fact, that part of me was downright cold to the idea.

And there were good reasons for that emotional reaction, don’t get me wrong. While Mike was being quite clear that he wanted us to get back together, he steered clear of discussing any of the reasons I broke up with him in the first place. And I was having problem with that, because it was pretty clear to me that none of the obstacles (most of them imposed by Mike himself) that caused me to walk away had been resolved, nor were they going to be. So the dispassionate part of me kept running through the list:

“That’s nice, but your family commitments and the fact that you don’t want to tell them you like guys is still going to keep us apart most of the time.”

“That’s nice, but you’re still not ready to move in together and may never be ready for that, given the way things are going.”

“That’s nice, but I still don’t foresee the romantic or physical side of our relationship growing.”

In short, he was offering me a return to the status quo I no longer wanted to live with back in 2005. I certainly don’t want to go back to living with it two years later!

I woke up before the discussion ended or I gave him an answer. I was rather troubled by the whole thing. Primarily, I was troubled by the fact that I was dreaming about him again two years after I broke up with him. I was troubled by that part of me in the dream that really did want to get back together with him. That’s mainly because I’m trourlbe by the idea that such a part of me probably still exists in the waking world. I want to move forward with my life. I want to look for that better, more fulfilling, and healthier relationship that most of me (the part that was cold and rational in the dream) knows I deserve. And I don’t want some part of me that still occasionally thinks longlingly of the one(s) that didn’t work out to get in the way of future possibilities.

And that’s why it probably particularly bothered me that I didn’t give him an answer before I woke up. Specifically, it bothers me that I didn’t just come right out and tell him that I’m still not interested in what he’s still offering me. Because that just makes it feel all the more like that small part of me is still holding me back.

Daily Life, Emotions, Introspection, Love, Memories, Music, Personal Development

Musical flashback

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While driving to Applebee’s tonight, Aerosmith’s song, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, came on the radio. There are many songs that are deeply connected to memories of people and events in my life, and this is one such song. In fact, it’s probably one of the most strongly connected songs I can think of.

Tonight, this song took me back to my relationship with my first boyfriend. At the time Chris (not his real name) and I were dating, this song was relatively new and seeing a lot of airtime across the nation. And every time I heard it, I became more deeply convinced that it was the perfect song to describe how I felt about our relationship. In fact, I think I pointed this out to Chris at the time.

Thinking about the relationship now, I can still understand why I felt this way. Chris and I seldom saw each other (we probably spent barely over a week total together throughout the six months we were “involved”), and it was perfectly reasonable for me to want to make as much of that precious rare time as I could. On more than one occasion, I ended up taking a sick or personal day off work just so I could have those eight more hours with him.

Of course, there were other reasons for feeling like this, too. The relationship wasn’t healthy, and I knew it. And that made me want to cling to it even tighter, holding it together out of my own desparation. Aerosmith’s song spoke to me powerfully and romantically about that desparation I was feeling. In many ways, I used that song to validate my sense of desperation.

As I listened to that song this evening and allowed these memories and thoughts to play through my mind, I began to ask myself many questions. The first question was whether there was any pain associated with this song or the memories that it evoked. There wasn’t, and I have to admit that I’m a little surprised by that. Certainly, there’s a certain morose feel to the whole thing as I think of mistakes made and lessons learned. And there’s the memory of the pain that used to be there. There’s the knowledge that years ago, hearing this song would’ve driven me to tears almost instantly. But not this evening. This evening, there was merely a sense of familiarity and a knowledge of what has passed. And while I find it somewhat strange, I also find it rather comforting.

Of course, I also asked myself how I felt about the message of the song today. If I were with someone, would this song still reflect how I would feel about a new relationship? And I think that for the most part, I can say that it doesn’t. Because now, my love relationships aren’t about desperation, they’re about something else.

The underlying premise of the song is about a relationship that would consume my whole life, an that’s not what I’m lookin fo at all. Certainly, I want a lover I can share my life with, and I’d prefer to spend the rest of my life with him. And there are certainly those moments I will want to get lost in, but only for a time. Because there are other things in my life that are equally important. And I do not wish to give up those things completely just so I can make sure I “don’t miss a thing” with my lover. That just isn’t healthy.

It’s strange to think of the thought processes a song can initiate. Of course, I also find it interesting that this all started on the same day that I had a dream about Chris (sadly, I don’t remember any details) while napping.

Deep Thoughts, Friends, Gender and Sexuality, Going Out, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Thoughts from Game Night

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Last night was another COAP game night. It was a fun time, despite the relatively low turn-out. There are actually a number of things I could write about based on last night’s events. However, for now, I’m choosing to focus on something that came up during a discussion between Woody and Mark during the “meeting” portion of the night.

Woody and Mark have been involved in COAP for long periods of time, so they got reminiscing. At one point, Woody started talking about his history with COAP and his pattern of disappearing and coming back. One of the things that he pointed out was that often, his disappearances occurred at the same time he started seeing someone, while he came back after the relationship ended. Mark commented that this is common, and even joked that it’s the “gay lifestyle.”

At this turn of the conversation, a couple of thoughts entered my mind. The first one was a sense of relief that I’m not the only one prone to this kind of behavior. Indeed, one of the things that I realized when I started coming to COAP events was that I’d have to fight the urge to drop out when I eventually get into a relationship. So it was nice to know that other people have those same tendencies.

But then, I had to ask the question. Why is that? Why is part of the “gay lifestyle” to drop off the social circle when you meet that special someone. Is it because we see the social circle as nothing more than a marketplace for picking up our next lover? That’s certainly a frightening thought in itself!

Of course, I should note that I don’t think this is strictly a gay thing. I’ve noticed that a good number of heterosexual couples tend to lose track of their friends over time, too. After all, my parents don’t get out nearly as much as they used to (though my father does socialize more through their church than my mother does). Often, they’re content to do their work, meet a few communal obligations, then head home.

But it seems to me from my observations that it happens much more quickly and suddenly amongst gay people (especially men). While heterosexual couples may become more insular and reclusive over time, it seems like we do it at the earliest opportunity. Which I don’t think is healthy, for reasons I covered before. So why do we do it?

Personally, I think it’s in part because we’re often afraid of finding true love that we’ve become obssessed with it to the exclusion of everything else. So when we’re with someone, all of our attention turns towards building and maintaining that relationship. After all, we’re not sure when the next one is coming along (and with only a small percentage of the population to work with, finding eligible, desirable lovers can seem like a daunting task), so we want to do everything we can to make it work. So we allow other friendships and our other activities to come along. Add to this the fact that the early stages of any relationship can be quite intoxicating and addicting, and it becomes an understandable pattern.

But realizing this doesn’t make continuing the pattern a good idea. In some ways, I think it demonstrates why we — both individually and collectively — need to break this pattern.

Daily Life, Emotions, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Realization

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Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he’s not. And that bugs me. I don’t want to be desperate for a relationship. I don’t want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I’m okay with being single and stay there.

But it’s difficult. Right now, I’m going through this whole thing where I’m becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It’s difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I’m starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I’ve said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I’ve enjoyed it, it’s not entirely comfortable for me. It’s different. And there’s that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that’d be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who’s perfect for me, I’d ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can’t deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

Gender and Sexuality, Love

Not at my wedding!

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Earlier today, Lauren and I got joking around. In the process of our joking, she asked me when I’d be donning a white gown. I gave her an answer that more or less amounted to “never.” Silliness ensued, and she ended up posting an obviously edited, but hilarious photo. Of course, this whole thing was particularly funny, because one of the running jokes whenever the idea of two guys getting married that invariably comes up is the question, “Who’s going to wear the white dress?” At least I think it’s a joke.

But setting the jokes aside, I am inclined to answer that question for myself. At my wedding (unless my fianc? manages to offer me one hell of a compelling reason), no one will be wearing a white dress. Because, to me the idea makes no sense at best and is downright offensive at worst.

I am a gay man. I am not a crossdresser. I am not a transvestite. I am not a transsexual. While I might put on a blouse and skirt on rare occasion just for the fun of a given situation, dressing in women’s clothing simply isn’t a part of my normal life. So why would I want to introduce it to the solemn occasion of sealing my commitment to the man I hope to spend the rest of my life with?

I certainly wouldn’t do it for the “laughs,” as was my reasoning for donning women’s clothing in the past. Those kinds of “laughs” simply have no place on my wedding day either. Nor does the kind of political statement (in the form of parody) that I’ve heard some people posit as a reason for doing such a thing have any place there. My wedding day will be about myself, my love, the love we share, and the commitment to one another we’re making. Playing around with traditions just for the heck of it would only detract from those themes.

I don’t know what my love and I will wear during our wedding. Maybe we’ll booth wear tuxes. Maybe we’ll just go with suits. I wouldn’t even rule out my daily casual attire. But I know there will be no white dress, because it just doesn’t fit in with what I want my wedding to be about.

Besides, what would be the point in me wearing white? All my friends know better anyway. 😉

Emotions, Grief, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Stronger than I thought

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In a previous post, I mentioned briefly that I was going on a coffee date. I haven’t said much more about the experience, which was good, or the subsequent dates I had, which were also good. Originally, I didn’t want to right much, as I felt it was more appropriate to see how things went before getting too talkative about it. And then as things progressed, I felt that I needed to spend some time with the young man I was dating talking about everything. It was important to talk to him long before I talked about him or our experiences together.

Unfortunately, things did not work out between us as I had originally hoped. This was particularly complicated by the fact that each of us made some rash choices about our time together, resulting in a lot of hurt for both of us. We’ve spent a fair amount of time over the past several days talking about what happened, how we each felt, and just life in general. The end result is that we’ve decided to just be friends, and I’m very hopeful we end up developing a strong, lasting friendship as a result.

As I sit here and think about the past week and the future, I find myself experiencing a myriad of emotions. I’d say that chief among those emotions is disappointment and a bit of longing. To be honest, making the choice of not pursuing the relationship in favor of developing a friendship was not an easy one to make. There’s a part of me that longs for more, no matter how strongly I know that this is the right choice. Indeed, I found myself wondering how I’d feel when I saw him again. I found myself doubtful of whether I could spend time with him without it tearing me up inside.

I’m both pleased and relieved to say that those doubts were unfounded. Recently, I had the opportunity to spend four hours with him. And while I won’t deny that there was the occasional pang during our time together, it was well worth it. Conversation simply flowed. Not the kind of superficial conversation that feels mechanical or forced, but deep and honest communication. We shared an openness with one another that was beautiful and precious. And I have to admit that I find myself looking forward to another experience like that.

As I’ve thought about our recent time together, I found myself asking the same question again and again: When did I get this strong? How did I get this strong? I remember being the person who would fall completely apart at the first sign of emotional let-down and take weeks, months, or even years to recover. And here I am today, fresh from a breakup, ready to take it all in stride. I’m even looking forward to a friendship, despite the fact that part of me would still like more than friendship. And ultimately, I don’t feel it’s that big of a deal. And in many ways, that truly astonishes me. Because I don’t remember becoming the kind of person who could feel that way.

Love, Movies

Thoughts from Serenity

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Today, I watched Serenity again. I’m not sure what it is about that movie that I love so much, but it’s one of those titles that I just fin myself putting in the DVD player time and again. I think I’ve watched it once a month since I bought it.

What really stuck out in my mind this time around was the conversation between Mal and River at the end of the movie. During this conversation, Mal tells River the secret of flying:

Love. You can know all the math in the ‘verse, you take a bird in the air you don’t love it’ll shake you just as sure as the worlds turn. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down. Tells you she’s hurting ‘fore she keenes. Makes her a home.

As I sat listening to this, I realized that these sentiments applied to far more than flying, let alone flying fictional spaceships. In fact, I think these words can be applied to life itself. Love is the great mystery of life, that which ultimately makes it all work. Life without love is simply not worth living. And a life with love is worth living, no matter what may come. It’s what keeps us going. It’s what heals all wounds, not time. It’s what makes the wounds worthwhile.

I’d face any trial that involves love than a million moments of loveless comfort. Indeed, I find myself wondering if the latter isn’t an oxymoron of the highest order.

Emotions, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Painful realizations

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I’ve always hated making mistakes. In fact, the fact the ability and tendency to make mistakes is one of the few things that drive me batty about the human condition. Fortunately, I’ve slowly learned to accept that aspect of my own humanity, and I can usually avoid excessive self-flagellation when I goof up.

What still bothers me, however, is when I make a mistake, only to realize it’s a mistake I’ve made in the past (or at least similar enough to one that I should’ve realized it was a mistake). It’s one thing to make a mistake due to lack of experience. It’s another thing to make a mistake despite experience. It’s even worse when deep down, I know I made the mistake against my better judgement. I let other factors override my judgement, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems that some lessons need to be repeated. Hopefully, I do better on the next test.