Category Archives: Love

Emotions, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Painful realizations

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I’ve always hated making mistakes. In fact, the fact the ability and tendency to make mistakes is one of the few things that drive me batty about the human condition. Fortunately, I’ve slowly learned to accept that aspect of my own humanity, and I can usually avoid excessive self-flagellation when I goof up.

What still bothers me, however, is when I make a mistake, only to realize it’s a mistake I’ve made in the past (or at least similar enough to one that I should’ve realized it was a mistake). It’s one thing to make a mistake due to lack of experience. It’s another thing to make a mistake despite experience. It’s even worse when deep down, I know I made the mistake against my better judgement. I let other factors override my judgement, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems that some lessons need to be repeated. Hopefully, I do better on the next test.

Love, Paganism, Religion, Witchcraft

Weddings and Funerals

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It’s been quite some time since I’ve participated in Witches Weekly. When I checked the site on a whim and read the current questions, I felt they were well worth considering.

If you were to plan your own Wedding or Funeral ceremony, would you create two separate ceremonies for pagan and non-pagan folk, or would you just plan a ceremony around your beliefs. How would you feel if any non-pagan friends or family did not wish to attend such a ceremony?

This is a question (at least when discussing weddings) I used to ponder when I was dating Mike. In that situation, the question was further complicated by the fact that he was not Pagan, but nominally Christian. Because of that fact, I felt that a completely Pagan ceremony made absolutely no sense. So I had always envisioned a single ceremony that we both found acceptable. Because of our difference in faiths, I figured that it would probably be fairly generic, and would not bother any of our potential guests.

If I was marrying another Pagan, I’m not entirely sure what I would do. On the one hand, I’d be inclined to just do a Pagan themed ceremony and not bother with another one. After all, most of my friends would be okay with such a service, as they respect my beliefs and would be willing to respect incorporating my beliefs into my own wedding ceremony. And to be perfectly frank, those who could not handle that choice would also be unable to get over the fact that I was marrying another man. As such, they wouldn’t show up, and I see little reason to worry about their sensibilities because of that.

But as I think about it, I think that I don’t really want a “Pagan wedding” at all. I want a handfasting, and I want it in the truest sense of the word. I want a private, magical act which not only affirms our bonds with one another, but actually creates (moreso than they already exist) and strengthens them. I don’t feel that kind of magical act is appropriate for the normal participant-spectator model that most weddings involve. After all, a huge guest list does not work well with the small numbers needed to keep everyone a direct participant.

Also, such a handfasting does not lend itself to meeting the needs of the civil marriage ceremony and contract (assuming I’m ever granted access to such civil rights, mind you). And even if it did, I’m not sure I’d want to combine the two. So perhaps I will have two “ceremonies,” a civil ceremony where the papers are signed and most guests are invited, and then the magical act, which is kept between myself, my love, and those who we trust to work with us in the working of such magic. (Of course, that all assumes I have a lover open to these things, himself.)

As for my funeral, I’m not sure I care much about that one. While I see my wedding as something for my lover and myself, I see a funeral as being for the benefit of those loved ones I’ve left behind. To be perfectly honest, I’m inclined to let my closest loved ones plan the funeral service in any way that will help them to grieve properly. However, this permission will come with the caveat that if they invite a Christian minister to speak and he goes into an evangelistic spiel, I will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Love, Rants, Religion

Profanity masquerading as spirituality

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A while back, while I was in one of my desparate “I want a boyfriend” states of minds, I created profiles on a couple of online personal sites. One of the sites I joined was not to my liking, and I pretty much gave up on it. This was mainly because while the site catered to gay an bisexual men and women, it seemed like almost every other gay man on there was just interested in sex. Being a hopeless romantic, I decided to quit wasting my time there and looked elsewhere.

Apparently, I forgot to disable email notifications, however. The other day, I got an email from the site to tell me about a potential match. The guy lives in Buffalo, which is a bit far away. But if that had been my only objection, I would’ve at least considered it. However, the excerpt from his profile that they included was the ultimate deal-breaker. In fact, I found it reprehensible enough that I decided it was worth a bit of a rant on my part. So let’s take the sucker point by point.

Almost always have sex on my mind.

Now, I’m not generally one for faulting someone for having sex on their mind a lot. I will be the first to admit that it can consume a large amount of my thoughts, too. But to make such an admission the first thing you tell someone strikes me as insane. This line alone tells me that to this guy, it’s all about the sex. If I’m looking for romance, love, emotional intimacy, or anything other than a wild ride in the bedroom, I’m just plain out of luck. So on second thought, maybe I should thank him for letting me know right up front that I’d be wasting my time on him.

I am a spiritual person that sees a real connection to the power of an orgasm and a spiritual experience.

Now, given my patroness, I’m all for seeing sex as a sacred thing. But you know, this doesn’t sound like seeing sex as sacred at all. This sounds more like someone mistaking self-gratification and self-serving sex for a spiritual experience. I find myself wondering if this guy even thinks about his partners during the road to his so-called “spiritual experience.” I mean, if his spirituality is just about him getting off, that’s what his hand is for.

I am always ready to cum.

And entirely too eager, if you ask me.

Wanna cum with me.

To his credit, he actually takes a moment to think of his potential partner’s needs here, even if only as an afterthought. But again, I’m interested in more than just getting my rocks off, too. (After all, I have a perfectly working hand as well!) I want someone who’s going to be attentive. I want someone who is going to look to share the entire experience with me, not just the “squirt at the end.” I want tenderness, strength, and many other qualities that this man just hasn’t shown.

All this man has shown is that he’s an egomaniac with enough smarts to throw some pseudospiritual comments into a personal site profile.

Deep Thoughts, Emotions, Introspection, Love, Memories, Paganism, Personal Development, Religion, Witchcraft

Turning Inward

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I’m not sure how many people read this blog any more. I know I’ve been silent for almost a month now. To be honest, I’ve logged in to write something several times since my last entry, but have never been able to get past the blank textbox.

This is one of those cases where many aspects of my life have caused me to turn inward, to work on projects and go through things that I’m not ready to post about yet. There’s just so much going on that still needs to be worked out in the stillness of my own mind before broadcast to the world, and as such, I leave what readers I may have wondering what’s going on.

What I can say is that my spiritual life is getting rather interesting right now. There are certain things that I need to work on and certain changes in my life that I’m making in order to prepare for the “next big step.” At some point, I hope to talk about some of that. But for now, I must leave it at this simple teaser.

I’m also working on a writing project, which I have several guides telling me will eventually coalesce into a publishable book. However, I’m in the very early stages of that process. Currently, I’m at the point where the project involves me spending regular times with a separate journal (as opposed to my “everyday” one) and writing about past experiences, people, and choices that I can remember, and my emotional reactions to them. It’s been both a rewarding and trying process, as not all of the memories or the realizations related to them are entirely comfortable. They’re not exactly painful, either. But they take a bit of processing at times.

One of the interesting things is that as I continue with this project, I find myself remembering little things that I had completely forgotten about, things that I haven’t thought about in a decade or more. That in itself can be a bit shocking. Of course, on the flip side, it’s also nice to suddenly discover that I have more memories of my life before high school than I might’ve thought. They’re just there waiting to be found.

Of course, a side effect of this process is that I find myself growing nostalgiac. I find myself wondering what ever happened to old friends, old school chums, and even an old lover or two. I find myself wondering what kind of people they are today. After all, it’s been at least a decade since I’ve seen some of them.

You can’t go home again. But at least you can visit. Even if only in your mind.

Love, Rants

Since when does bribery create good relationships?

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Yesterday, the New York State Court of Appeals ruled against the plaintiffs who were suing for same-sex marriage rights. The full test of the ruling is available online, and I encourage everyone to read it for themselves. I also highly recommend that anyone interested check out the analysis of this ruling that was provided by Tin Man. (I also recommend his other blog posts on the same topic.) His legal background makes his ability to criticize the flaws in this ruling far superior to my own. So instead of putting my own thoughts (which in many ways run similar to the Tin Man’s anyways, but wouldn’t be nearly as complete or cohesive), I’ll let those with a better grasp of the topic handle that.

However, I do wish to focus on one aspect of this ruling that bothers me. It can be found in the following sentence, taken from page 6 (according to the statements own page numbering scheme; page 9 according to Acrobat Reader) of the ruling:

It [the legislature] could find that an important function of marriage is to create more stability and permanence in the relationships that cause children to be born. It thus could choose to offer an inducement — in the form of marriage and its attendant benefits — to opposite-sex couples who make a solemn, long-term commitment to each other.

I find myself wondering if the justices who penned this wording have looked at any statistics that cover the divorce rate lately. The idea that getting married “creates” stability and permanence in a relationship is patently absurd. The only thing that keeps a relationship stable and permanent is when those involved in the relationship not only make the commitment to do so, but lack the integrity and self-discipline to keep that commitment.

Contrary to what these justices are suggesting, no amount of “inducements” will ever replace that commitment, integrity, and self-discipline. Inducements will only make “fair weather relationships” last a little bit longer. But in the end, if the real glue that keeps a relationship hold together is still lacking, the weather will get too rough even with the inducements. And when that happens, the whole illusion will become unravelled.

Those who believe in the sacred nature of marriage should be outraged by this part of the ruling. The justices who penned this have made a mockery of their belief in that sacred nature by suggesting that marriage and marriage benefits are little more than “bribes” being offered to people without integrity or discipline to keep the commitments they won’t keep on their own. As someone who holds marriage — and relationships in general — as sacred, I know I’m outraged.

Gender and Sexuality, Love, Personal Development

2QT2BSTR8

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Last Monday while shopping at OUTlandish Gifts, I bought a white tee shirt with “2QT2BSTR8” on the front of it. Today was the second day I’ve warn it. I have to admit that I’ve been enjoying people’s reactions. Surprisingly (at least to me), a lot of people have to ask what it means (“Too cute to be straight,” if anyone is wondering”). What’s really funny is to watch how people react once I tell them. I think the most memorable incident was today with the guy at the T Mobile kiosk. Once he found out, his expression really changed. I somewhat got the impression that he wanted to make a negative comment about it. However, he also seemed to be struggling with the knowledge that he was in a bad position to do so, considering (a) he had originally asked me to stop just so he could read the shirt and (b) he still had to ask me what it means. It’s kind of hard to complain about someone “flaunting” his sexuality when you’ve gone through so much effort to figure out that he’s “flaunting” it. 😉

I didn’t get the shirt with the intentions of making such political statements, though. While it’s true that I got it to make my sexual orientation more visible, I did it for personal and romantic reasons rather than political ones. Truth be told, I don’t feel I’m visible enough. And as I’d eventually like another chance at love without having to force myself to suffer through going to gay clubs, I need to find other ways to let the guys know I’m out there. Besides, I know from personal experience how difficult it is to even consider expressing interest in another guy if you’re not even sure if he’s gay (and how emotionally upsetting it is if you finally get up the courage to find out only to find ot he’s not). So I figure I’ll save any guy who’s interested in me that bit of trouble.

There’s another reason I got it, and this one is at least partly political. I got it as much for the part about being cute as I did for the part about being gay. In some ways, I’m currently at a point where I feel the need to express my own attractiveness despite not fitting some stereotype about what good looking guys are supposed to look like. So to me, wearing the shirt is about giving myself (and others) permission to think of me as “cute.”

Gender and Sexuality, Love, Movies, Religion

Movie Review: Latter Days

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This past weeken, I watched Lattere Days. This is a tale about a gay man, Christian, living in Los Angeles who meets, sets out to bed, and eventually falls in love with anotehr young man by the name of Aaron. Of course, Christian’s plans are complicated by the fact that Aaron is a missionary for the LDS church, just starting his two year mission.

The remarkable part about this movie is that it’s not just a movie about a young man from a religiously conservative background coming to terms with his sexual orientation and being excommunicated from his church (and presumably biological) family. This is also a movie wherein a cynical and superficial gay man begins to take a closer look at his own life and initiates a search to give it deeper meaning. In effect, this movie seeks to strike the balance between criticizing harmful repression and taking an honest look at the emptiness that can come from the superficiality we sometimes fall into while trying to escape the latter. In effect, both boys face their own demons as a result of coming into each others lives.

The scenes between Aaron and his mother after he’s found out and sent home are well done. Particularly, the scene where Aaron challenges his mother to actually look at him is quite incredible, and something that I think most gay people with religiously (or otherwise) conservative parents can appreciate on some level. Of course, even Aaron’s mother has her moment, when confronted with Christian’s act of love in coming to Idaho just to tell her how sorry he is for the loss of her son (at this point, Christian was falsely led to believe that Aaron had committed suicide).

This was truly a touching movie, and one I think many people will be able to connect with on one level or another.

Gender and Sexuality, Love, Movies

Movie Review: FAQs

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Apparently, I started an unplanned tradition when I wrote my previous review of the movie, Dorian Blues a couple weeks ago. This past weekend, I decided to watch the 2005 movie, FAQs, and I find myself with the desire to similarly review it.

First of all, let me just say that producer Everett Lewis did an excellent job in this movie. It’s a truly moving tale about a group of gay men (and one young lesbian, though she plays such a bit part, unfortunately) trying to not only survive in the face of the hate directed towards them, but to be themselves and thrive because of it. India — a young man living on the streets of LA after his homophobic parents disowned him — is rescued from a pair of gaybashers by an old drag queen, Destiny. Destiny gives India a home and begins to teach him to protect, love, and respect himself. Destiny, India, and Lester (a young lesbian Destiny similarly saved and “adopted” in years past) are soon joined by Spencer, who becomes India’s main love interest in throughout the rest of the movie. The plot of the movie then revolves around the dual themes of “saving” India’s would-be bashers (who turn out to be closeted queers themselves) and India trying to convince Spencer to give up on his plan to kill his parents, who had abused him until he ran away. These dual themes perfectly frame the central message of the film: Love conquers all if you just give it a chance. One of my favorite quotes from the movie was when India tells Spencer, “Our kisses are like bombs going off in the straight world.”

Of course, the movie itself had plenty of “bombs.” There are several highly erotic scenes in which various boys are shown caressing, kissing, and rubbing up against one another. And while no genital contact is shown (though there are a few scenes involving full frontal nudity in non-sexual settings), I imagine that this might be a bit “explosive” for some viewers. (Personally, as someone who often wryly jokes about “gratuitous straight sex scenes” in most movies, I found it a nice change.)

One of the problems that I had with this movie, however, was that it was too optimistic. There were several potentially dangerous scenes (some of which were created by an overly-optimistic India who tended to make unwise decisions) in which someone could have died, yet everyone made it through the movie virtually unscathed. The particular scene which bothered me was when Quentin — one of the bashers from the start of the movie — shows up at the boys’ home with a gun after having gotten their address off his answering machine from a message India told Guy to leave. Considering that the movie had been building up a highly distrought Quentin — who not only held a gun under his chin at one point, but also was shown firing said gun at a roadside sign fantasizing about killing his former friend “turned fag” — it just seemed like a poor climax. It also sends the message that doing something stupid like giving your home address to a known basher — even one you think is really gay and needs to be “saved from himself” — is okay. It’s not. It’s dangerous, and it’s stupid. So Lewis gets points taken off for being too optimistic and implicitly encouraging needless and foolish risk-taking.

In closing, I would like to say that I particularly liked the final scene. Without giving too much away, I will just say that I found it appropriately cyclical.

Introspection, Love, Paganism, Personal Development

Cute waiters and other minutia

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Sunday, I ended up going over to the POC again. Originally, I figured I’d just stop by for a bit of “face time” and then leave after a few minutes. Well, as it turns out, I ended up staying for quite a while. They were sanding furniture to get it ready to be repainted. I’m not big on sanding and it’s certainly not one of my strong points, but I decided to stick around and help out a little. After all, it meant being social and hanging out with other people. I’ve wanted a lot of that lately. And it was fun.

After working, a group of us decided to go out to supper together. We went to Denny’s and had quite a good time. Of course, once again, I decided that I really wanted to skip the food and just take our server to go. His name was Jason. He must’ve been in his mid-twenties and let me just say that he was fine. Both of the women I was with agreed that my taste was impeccable. In fact, they pestered me about asking him for his phone number. I decided against it.

It was a tempting thought, if I could’ve ever gotten up the nerve to do it. I don’t know, I’m still too afraid of rejection to ask a perfect stranger for his phone number or if he’d like to go out sometime. Of course, I also just feel I’m not ready to date someone. I realized the other day that there are just some things about my self-perception I need to change. Otherwise, I run the risk of expecting any boyfriend I have to make up for those issues, and that’s not right. I’ll probably write more about that sometime.

At any rate, it was a good day.

Love

Grumpy Single Guy Woes

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Today is January 25. It’s Mike’s 30th birthday. I have to admit that some petty portion of me would love to write him an email or text message saying something to the effect of, “Congratulations, you are now thirty and single, and it’s all because of your own bad choices.” I’m not proud of wanting to be so snotty and petty, but I don’t want to deny it either.

To be honest, I have to admit that a small part of me had kind of hoped that he would come to his senses as today rushed in. I had hoped that the sense of getting older would make him realize everything that is slipping (or has slipped) through his fingers, and make a miraculous turnaround. I guess that’s why I haven’t pushed to find someone else. I knew I was still feeling like this. And even though I intellectually know that irrational part of my heart is holding out for something that will probably never happen, I also know that I wouldn’t have been able to give a try at happiness with someone else a fair shot while holding on to that hope. So how does one give up hope.

I have to admit that there were a couple of cute guys at last night’s meetup. I’m pretty sure they were both gay, and they seemed great. Too bad they also seemed to be involved with each other. Figures that the truly cute ones are already together. Oh well, they were probably a bit too young for me anyways. If I was to venture a guess, I’d say they were RIT students. Me with a college guy…as fun as it sounds, I just don’t tthink it would work.

But on the bright side, it’s a step in the right direction. I’m getting out and meeting people. And I’ve seen that I really can meet someone. Who cares if they were already taken? Maybe the next one won’t be. Only time will tell. And at least I’m meeting people and expanding my possibilities.

But damn, I’m still grumpy.