In case anyone’s interested, I have started yet another new blog. Before everyone groans and call me crazy, let me explain that this is a specialty blog. To be specific, it’s the site where I’m going to start posting all of my “Dear Lover” letters. For those who don’t know what letters I’m talking about…well, read the blog!
Category Archives: Love
Revisiting an old letter.
A couple weeks ago, I was looking through my old diary entries. I ran across an “unsent letter” I wrote to my ex, Zech. In it, I talked about my relationship with Mike. I decided I wanted to go back and comment on what I said there, considering how things with Mike finally ended up. Excerpts from the original letter are in italics, while my new thoughts will be in normal text.
I’m dating a wonderful guy now. His name is Mike.
Ah yes. These were “the good old days” when I actually thought Mike was a catch. (Actually, I wrote the original letter almost a full year before I broke up with Mike.) My opinion has changed since then. Funny thing is, I probably am having more fond thoughts of Zech right now than of Mike. That’s a scary thought, in some ways. Mike and I had our issues, but the “relationship” with Zech was just one huge mess. So you’d almost think that I’d have less fondness for Zech.
I suppose the fact that it’s been over seven years since Zech and I broke up, time has healed those wounds. Compare that to the fact that it’s only been six months since I told Mike I didn’t want him in my life any more, and I suppose that’s understandable. But I think there’s more to it than that. Zech and I had real issues back then, both individually and as a couple. And in Zech’s case, I can cut him some slack due to the fact that he was a lot younger — not even twenty yet. In comparison, Mike’s turning thirty in January. Being that old and still thinking it’s perfectly reasonable to tell someone, “You mean the world to me, but I’m not going to do anything to meet your emotional needs because it’ll require me to accept some personal discomfort” is unthinkable. So in that sense, I think he deserves my contempt.
But I’m slowly learning something. There’s a huge difference between you and Mike.
Unfortunately, I’m also learning there were a lot of similarities between them, too. It’s ironic that I spent so much time teaching myself to not react to Mike out of my issues with Zech, only to find out there really were some things they had in common. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I went through that process anyway. I did need to learn that not everyone was exactly like Zech.
But in the end, both of my exes were wrapped up in their own little worlds. They were too busy trying to keep their worlds so perfectly balanced, that they were willing to sacrifice my needs and feelings if it came to it. Perhaps Mike wasn’t as dastardly about it, but does that make it any better? And besides, he also should’ve known better.
In retrospect, I think I’ve decided to re-make my rule against not dating guys who are still “in the closet” — at least to their family. I made that rule after Zech and broke it when dating Mike. When Mike and I started going together, I told him about my reservations. But I went ahead on the grounds that he was otherwise wonderful and he promised me that he’d make sure that the fact that his friends and family didn’t know about his sexual orientation wouldn’t get in the way. He broke that promise. And I’m now convinced that when push comes to shove, most guys in the closet will break that promise. So if they’re not ready to be honest with their family, they deserve a pass in the realm of relationships. They’re just not ready.
Is it time yet?
I’ve been going through some inner conflict about relationships. Or to be more exact, I’m going through some inner conflict about my lack of a romantic relationship, my desire to start looking into changing that state of affairs, and my concerns and fears about doing so.
I’m to that point where I’ve pretty well grieved over Mike (I think). Sure, there’s some part of me hoping that he’ll still come to his senses and contact me out of the blue to beg me for another chance. But I think that’s more because it would be the “easy path” — which is much more attractive than going through the whole process of trying to make connections with a new person I hardly know, for obvious reasons — than any desire to specifically have Mike back in my life. As much as it saddens to admit it, his claims early in our relationship that I would “eventually figure out he’s not all that special” has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. His choices and actions made him “not all that special” (with the possibly exception of making him especially undesirable in the end). That’s a weird realization to come to. And part of me still doesn’t know how to respond to it.
At this point, I’m to that point of feeling like, “I’m not getting any younger, and Mr. Right isn’t going to knock on my door out of the blue.” I know deep down that if I ever do want to find a special someone and experience love again, I’m probably going to have to do some looking. I’m going to have to put myself out there, find, and consider the prospects. Heck, I might even have to go on a few disastrous dates with a couple guys I realize later I’m not all that interested in. In short, I need to work to create the reality I want.
But on the same hand, I find myself hesitating. I start asking myself all kinds of questions. Am I really ready? Can I really commit to this? Am I to the point where I can really start and appreciate a real relationship rather than just trying to “get over” my last experience? And can I really look at the person who’s there and choose him for him rather than just choosing whoever because, “hey, it’s a relationship.” In other words, am I looking for a person or somethign less? And I’m having trouble answering those questions and trusting myself to do so honestly.
I’m also at that point where I’m worried about letting such a search for love consume my life. I don’t want to let my entire life to become little more than a romantic reltionship. (In retrospect, I can say that I started allowing that to happen with Mike, and I see it for the mistake it was.) So I’m worried about finding that balance of continuing to establish my life here in general with the possible “search” for love.
Of course, there’s still the fact that I haven’t figure out how to best go about conducting such a search anyway. I still haven’t met a lot of people yet, and I’m still trying to figure out how to rectify that. My creative writing class starts tomorrow evening, and I’m hoping that’ll help to some extent. But overall, I’m still just confused and worried.
Dear Lover #5
This is part of a series I started writing elsewhere. I decided to start cross-posting them to this blog as well.
Dear Lover,
I’ve been in “hopeless romantic” mood all weekend. I’ve watched three different movies since yesterday morning that have centered around relationships between two guys. This isn’t typical of me, but I guess I’m just in that state of mind where I want to be reminded that such love and tenderness really can exist.
The last movie I watched — in fact, I just finished it mere minutes ago — was a nice British film called “Beautiful Thing.” It was slow in places (which seems to be common in just about every British film I’ve watched), but it was a wonderful and touching story. It was about two teenage boys who were neighbors and their struggles as they discovered they loved one another, but had to deal with all of the difficulties in pursuing a relationship.
The scene that really touched me, though (well, other than the scene where Jaime rubbed creme into the welts on Ste’s back and told him he was quite attractive) was the final scene. This is the scene where Ste and Jaime end up slow dancing in the middle of the square near their home. As they start to dance, a crowd starts to gather round them, and Jaime’s mother and another neighbor (also female) end up joining the young lovers, dancing one another. And as they danced, the four of them talked back and forth, laughing (mainly about what Ste’s abusive father would have to say if he was there to see the scene) and just enjoying one another while the crowd watched in wonder.
I’d love to be a part of a scene like that with you, Lover. There was a tender intimacy and sweet love wrapped up into it. It’s something that could never be expressed half as adequately in all the grandiose “romantic dates” and nights of passionate lovemaking in the world. It’s a gentle beauty and sense of serenity that can only come from those small, simple things, those moments that create a perfect moment of intimacy and love simply by the fact that they are an instant of absolutely sweet and genuine togetherness. I long for those moments, and I revel in the thought of someday finding them with you.
Fondly yours,
–Jarred.
Bits and bobs
I haven’t put an update in here lately. I thought I’d go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.
We’ll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn’t an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.
I am leaving a number of message boards. I’m starting to discover that they’re little more than “distractions” to me. I really don’t get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don’t have much to offer there, either. So it’s time to “cut bait,” so to speak.
In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won’t be too far in the future.
I’m thinking over a couple of projects I’m considering working on. I don’t want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it’d be good to indicate that I’m looking to make life more productive.
I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I’m not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.
Christmas shopping and Health
It’s been a pretty good day. I went for my walk on my lunch break. That’s the second one for this week. I need to get one more in. I’m looking at Saturday for that. I figure I’ll give myself tomorrow off. Besides, I have to run out to lunch tomorrow. I figure I’ll need the extra time to stand in line at Subway.
While I was at the mall today, I picked up Mike’s Christmas present. I got him one of those “pictures in motion.” They’re a neat idea. Basically, they’re a picture of some scene with water in it. There is a light behind the picture and there is some sort of mechanism that causes the light to shift slightly. The net result is that the water looks like it’s actually flowing. The specific picture I got Mike has a watefall flowing into a pool. It’s absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully, he likes it. I think he will, because he was practically cooing over such “moving pictures” when we saw them at the Carousel Mall. So when I found the same place had a kiosk set up at the Pyramid Mall, it became a pretty obvious gift idea.
This evening I tested my blood sugar when I got home. It was 55. Needless to say, everything got dropped and I made a quick hunt for food. I ended up having yogurt, six cups of popcorn (the proper serving I’d normally have in the evening is three cups), and a quarter cup of dried pineapple — which had way too much sugar added. Frighteningly, though, when I tested my blood sugar again at 9:30 or so, it was still only up to a 78. This is just insane. I hope Dr. Lee changes my medications soon-ish.
Sleepy Musings
I’m sitting here listening to Enya’s album, “The Memory of Trees.” I love this album, though I may have to switch to something more upbeat once I get through it. I’m feeling very sleepy for some reason, and I’m not quite ready to head off to bed. So soft music of an almost lullaby-like quality is a bad thing. I’ll have to replace it with something like one of Delirium’s albums. That usually keeps me awake.
Last night, I slept with Darien. Darien is the small, brown teddy bear that Mike gave me on the first Christmas we celebrated together. He’s such a cute bear, but a bit on the small side to cuddle with properly. He slips out of my oversized arms way too easily. It’s funny on those nights when I sleep with a stuffed animal. I suddenly feel like a little kid again. There’s a sense of vulnerability and youth. It’s a very strange thing to feel, really. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it.
Speaking of Mike, he’s absolutely exhausted from his trip to New Jersey. Not that this surprises me, mind you. He was up for a full 23 hours on Saturday. He and his family left their home at five in the morning, and he didn’t get back into bed until four on Sunday morning. Then the poor guy only slept until about 11:30 Sunday morning. Personally, I think the guy is way too committed to his amusement parks. He should think about getting a bit more commitment to a regular sleep schedule, if you ask me. But I suppose that if it makes him happy to do such things, that’s all that really matters.
Health Stuff and Heart Stuff
I think I took my last outdoor walk of 2004. I had my light, nylon jacket on, and until I got heated up and sweating, I was pretty darn cold. I suppose I could keep the outdoor walks going if I switched over to my winter coat, but I’m not sure I want to do that, yet. Besides, that’s only a temporary fix, and the way that the weather is feeling, it wouldn’t last long. Soon, it will be my face, hands, and feet getting too cool. And I can’t forget that my jeans are still pretty loose. No, I think it’ll be better to switch to indoor walking. I’ll just have to start going to the Pyramid Mall during lunch so that I can walk there. Though that mall is almost too small for a real walk.
My other option is to wait until after work and go to the Arnot mall so I can walk there. It’s a larger mall and better for walking. But I think I prefer to walk during the middle of the day. I found it’s helping me some with my appetite problems in the middle of the afternoon. If I get a good walk in just before I eat lunch, I find lunch much more satisfying and it seems to keep me satisfied longer. I don’t exactly get that, since walking should increase my metabolism, causing my body to burn through the calories of lunch even quicker. There must be a piece to the equation I’m missing. Probably several, if I think about it.
Well, I guess it’s time to write about the time of year. I’ve been putting it off because I don’t want to, but it’s been on my mind too much to avoid it any longer. I knew I’d have to get it out there sometime, so I might as well get it over with. This week marks the six year anniversary since the nuclear explosion between Z, S, and myself. It’s hard to narrow it down past “this week,” since the whole thing strung out over a period of seven to ten days. I mark the time period from when S sent me the “I’m mad at you and I don’t want to talk to you for at least six months” email on 9 October and she replied to my email telling her off on 17 October with a statement that she didn’t care what “my side of the story” was and made death threats. In between, both she and Z told me that they never wanted to talk to me again and lots of other nasty things. I grant you, some of them were deserved. I was no innocent, and I don’t want to give the impression that I was, or the impression that I think I am.
I don’t know, but part of me wonders if this is why I’ve been a bit morose and on edge lately. I’ve been trying to deny that, as I really don’t want to admit that this might still bother me. But then again, the fact that it’s on my mind suggests that it might. But then I find myself wondering. Am I morose and on edge because the time of year has reminded me of these past events? Or has my mood simply caused my mind to dredge all this back up. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I suppose all that matters is that it’s on my mind and I have to write it out.
Damn, I really didn’t want to write about this. I’m not entirely sure I want to think about it. At least not in this emotional context. It’s been six years. I’ve made new friends. I’ve met a wonderful man and I’m in a relationship I enjoy. I’d rather just let all the past hurts slip gently away. But I guess they have to do that in their own time, don’t they?
The funny thing is, the whole thing with Z himself doesn’t really bother me anymore. It seems to me that I made peace with him, and that’s all water under the bridge. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t feel a tinge of something — sadness maybe? — over how things went with him. But there’s a certain peace there. If not perfect, it’s been resolved. But I don’t have that feeling with S. Isn’t it strange that the person I was theoretically closer to — the one I had a romantic relationship and the first person I ever had sex with — causes less of an emotional reaction than the one I was just friends with?
I suppose part of that is because of the betrayal involved. It’s because I thought she and I were good friends. I let myself be vulnerable to her — possibly in ways I wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable to Z. And she betrayed that. Not only did she betray that, but she practically declared me evil incarnate, and I think that’s what really hurt. I mean sure, I was in the wrong in some ways. But evil incarnate was pushing it a bit far.
I think it also is because I took her crap onto myself. For a while, I believed her accusations. I let myself be crushed by her hurtful words. In effect, the hurt and anger towards her is also partly the hurt and anger towards myself for accepting that kind of wounding. Maybe even for making myself vulnerable in the first place.
But I’m not angry at her anymore. At least not as near as I can tell. Anger takes up too much energy. It has to be constantly kindled, and I’ve quit wasting that energy. Heck, I can’t even say that I hold her in contempt any more. Contrary to what I’ve often thought, I’m finding that just takes too much effort and energy, too.
Do you know what I do feel for her? Pity. And maybe a little sympathy. But mostly pity, I think. She reacted the way she did not just because she didn’t know everything and made assumptions, but because she let her own emotional demons rule her reaction. And unless things have changed for her in the last six years, she’s still living with that, and may have to live with that for the rest of her life. She’s built a cage for herself out of the past and her own bitterness and anger, and she doesn’t even see that she’s trapped in it. I hope I’m wrong. I hope she’s moved on from that point in her life, breaking the bonds she helped strengthen. But I don’t know if that’s happened. All I know is what I saw. And it’s that S of the past that I pity.
I hope I’m not doing the same thing. I want to be free of this past. And I think I’ve done my best to set myself right. I think I’ve broken many thigns that have held me from these betrayals and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize those that remain and the strength to break them as well when I do recognize them.
But I still find myself wondering why this is still coming to my mind.
Another pleasant surprise
As if last night’s Mike wasn’t enough of a surprise for me, he’s gone and done it again tonight. I’m not sure how much more of this a guy can take. But I’d love to find out, that’s for sure. I got another text message from him talking about the second. He asked me if I had any ideas on what we should do. Now, I do have some ideas, but as most of them involve a private room, nudity, and some degree of sweating, I won’t write about them in depth. Besides, that’s not what this is about right now.
He mentioned a few of his ideas, which he wasn’t too sure about because of problems he’s having with his cars. He mentioned that he had considered going to the Syracuse Mall or touring some caverns about 100 miles away. When I read this, I was a bit shocked. He’s talking about day trips here! Considering that one of my biggest points of contention in the last year has been that the time we spend together is usually for rather short periods of time (four hours or less), this was a pleasant experience. It strikes me that he’s really trying to make some plans for some extended time this time around. And without recent prompting from me, no less.
I also like the fact that he specifically mentioned going to the Syracuse Mall. It’s something he’s talked about in the sense of “we should do that sometime” for the last couple years. So it’s quite nice to actually hear him talk about it with a definite date attached. Even if we can’t go this time because neither of our cars are up to the trip. It’s just nice to know that he’s thinking in more definite terms than “someday” now. It’s really doing my heart good.
I really wonder what caused this change. I’m enjoying it immensely. And who knows, maybe he’ll start being more assertive and aggressive in general now. I can only hope.
His Initiative = Happy Jarred
I got a pleasant surprise from Mike. First of all, I got a text message from him. Not that this is a surprise, mind you. He sends me a text message at least two times a week, any more. He finds it more convenient than email. I can’t imagine how, though. It takes way too much work to enter in any message of any length. But he manages to do it somehow. But like I said, that’s not the surprising part of the email. The surprising part was part of the content.
He asked me what I was doing 2 October. He suggested that it would be a good day to get together if I was available. The only thing I was worried about is that my sister is planning a small birthday party for her oldest child and our father that weekend. So naturally, I had to make a frantic call home to find out when the party was. My luck turned out good, because she’s planning the party for Friday night. So I’m free on Saturday. I was glad to hear this, because if she planned the party on Saturday. I was going to have a quandary. Gosh darn it, it’s not every day that Mike messages me out of the blue and asks if I can get together with him on a certain day. And saying no on one of the few occasions he did would’ve just about killed me.
That’s what really surprised me. It’s been almost a month since I’ve asked him when we’re going to be able to get together. Usually, I feel like I have to hound him and pester him to get an answer. And naturally, that leaves me feeling upset. After all, it’s disheartening to feel like you have to pester your own boyfriend just to get time with him. So when he pretty much found a date and brought it up pretty much “out of the blue,” it really lifted my spirits. It was good to get the feeling like he was putting in the effort to find some “us time.”
Of course, in fairness, he probably puts in that effort a lot of times. Just I’m usually such a go-getter that I tend to start asking about it quite quickly. So most of it is probably just perceptual on my part. But it’s nice to have this one instance. It really helps me to relax and soothe the insecurities.