Category Archives: Love

Introspection, Love, Randomness

Lazy Day

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It’s been a pretty good day, really. I didn’t do a whole lot. I was lazy and laid about. I played a lot of video games. I’m currently getting hooked on Phantasy Star Online for the Game Cube. I know, I bought both the console and that game to do embedded Linux development and “home geek time.” But I figured, hey, why not get some good old fashioned game playing in at the same time. I just have to remind myself not to get addicted or something.

Of course, I never stay addicted to games long at all. I usually go nuts over them for about a week or two, and then I lose interest. It’s been over a decade since I played a game so religiously that I completely beat it. In fact, I think the last game I won straight through was the original Legend of Zelda. I wonder if I still have that game somewhere. I don’t even know where my NES console is.

But these days, things just don’t seem to hold my attention like that. I sometimes worry about that. Because it’s not just about games. I tend to be…easily distracted…about a lot of things. I sometimes wonder how well I can honestly commit to something. And that has me worried.

Though, to be honest, I do know that I can commit to things. After all, I’ve been committed to Mike. I mean, I’ve been with him for three years now, when some of my friends can’t understand why we’re taking things as slowly as we are. I have one friend who can’t understand how I can stick with someone who won’t even tell his family about me. That kind of commitment has to count for something, right?

Of course, that’s something that bugs me about some of my friends. A few of them seem to have a preconceived notion about what my relationship would be like. And they tend to make it well known at times. That gets very frustrating. No one likes to feel like they have to “defend” their relationships. It’s something I understand about Christy very well. She occasionally complains about how people criticize her relationship with Noah, and I don’t blame her. I feel the same way at times.

Love

About Mike

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Reading this book on journaling, I thought I’d try one of the techniques it described. I figured I’d do a bit of a character sketch of Mike. I figure this will be a good way for me to think about him and remember all the wonderful things I love about him, since I’ve been missing him lately and been a bit bummed about how long it’s been since I’ve seen him.

When I first looked at Mike, there wasn’t that moment of immediate attraction there. To be honest, at first glance, I think it would be easy to take him as quite plain. It’s until you look into his gorgeous eyes — which can be steel blue on one day and almost an emerald green the next — and see them set above his subtle smile he’s unconsciously mastered until you start to see his real beauty and charm. That smile provides the first hint to his quiet, almost shy nature. It fades in and out of existence, mimicking the glimpses of deeper personality that lives under the mask of serenity and his unassuming nature.

The eyes, on the other hand, are the key to seeing his more fiery nature, which is always there, but generally kept to himself. Once he begins to talk about anything that truly matters to him — be it his nephew, his annual vacation to an amusement park, or an argument he’s had with someone who crossed his family — the eyes show the raw and pure fire that fuels his words. His words themselves, are powerful. Whereas I am generally seen as the eloquent speaker, Mike’s way with simple, yet emotion-filled speech has a power behind it I can’t help but admire. As one listens to him speak of such powerful topics, one cannot help but get swept up in his passion.

I sometimes think that this is why he tends to dart his eyes about. His unique blend of passionate feeling and sense of insecurity seem to play off one another. As he becomes self-aware of his own fervor, he begins to look away, almost getting distracted. It’s as if he fears that his own intensity of feeling will chase people away, so he tries to divert it or reign it in as best he can. Of course, by the time that he has done this, I’m usually so enraptured that I hardly notice. Or I find myself yearning for more.

He also has such a tender, caring side. He’s a worrier, always being concerned about the comfort and well-being of those who he loves so deeply. In fact, showing that concern seems to be one of his favorite expressions of love. It’s nothing for him to spend the entire time we’re together worried about whether I’m having “enough fun” and whatnot, despite the wide smile and dreamy look in my face.