awoke with a start. He let out a strangled gasp before his mind began
to process his surroundings. He looked round, finding himself in his
own bedroom. His sheets were pushed off to one side, probably due to
him moving around in his sleep. He took a few deep breaths to calm
himself. He willed his heart to return to a slower rhythm. “It was only
a dream. Only a dream,” he whispered. “It doesn’t mean anything. Guys
dream about all kinds of things.”
He knew that was true enough. He had done a bit of research online, and
found that a lot of young guys dreamed about having sex with other guys
and still grew up to be heterosexual. He’d even read that some
experiment with male friends before going on to get married. So he
tried to reassure himself that this one dream didn’t mean he was one of
those terrible homosexuals.
However, his mind kept nagging at him. This wasn’t just one dream,
after all. He had been having a few dreams like this since he turned
fourteen nine months ago. He wondered if there was a point where it
quit being something any normal teenager might experience and starting
being the sign of something more serious.
“And it’s not just the dreams,” he whispered to himself as he lay
there, confused and frightened. “After all, I’ve been getting those
feelings when I’m awake too.” He thought back to that afternoon he and
Tim went skinny-dipping. While it had been innocent fun when they had
actually gone swimming at age eleven, it morphed into something more
sinister-seeming whenever he thought of it now. Tim had even suggested
they go skinny dipping again this past summer. But the thoughts and
feelings it stirred in Josh kept him coming up with excuses to put off
such an excursion.
Josh lay there, feeling more miserable the more he thought about
everything. He wondered how his parents, who raised him to be a good
little Baptist boy, would react if he told them he was attracted to
other guys. He wondered if they would send him to counseling or even
disown him. He was too afraid to find out.
And yet, he yearned to tell someone, anyone. He hated having to keep
this secret. It felt like a terrible burden – a burden he didn’t want –
to carry alone. And yet, he didn’t know anyone he could tell. He was
pretty sure everyone he knew would react badly.
“No, you’re on your own on this one. Just try to make the best of it,”
he told himself. Then he added in a quick prayer, “God, please help me.
And forgive me. I don’t want to be gay. I want to do what you want me
to.” He rolled over and waited for sleep to claim him again, to give
him a break from all his worries and doubts.
If you like it, please read the rest of the chapter and follow the story using the links above. I hope to write more soon. And of course, feel free to check out the rest of my portfolio on Writing.Com. Though I’ll warn you that some of the other stories are sexually explicit.