Category Archives: Gender and Sexuality

Friends, Gender and Sexuality, Society

A blast from the past: Jarred suggests taking a stand

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Due to online conversations I’ve had over the past week, I was reminded of an entry I wrote on another diary site. I decided to find it and repost it to this blog. As I recall, the topic created quite a stir back in 2004, though most people seemed to applaud my outlook on the matter. And even those who didn’t applaud it tended to have mixed feelings than being completely against my point.

Searching through the Stand To Reason website, (don’t ask why I was there) I found a recommended letter for one to send to gay people who might be visiting your home. I’ve posted the letter below:

Dear ,

I need to let you know that although we love you and look forward to seeing you, we don’t want you to bring your friend with you. We have nothing against him personally. If he were visiting as an individual under other circumstances, that would be another matter. I don’t believe in ostracizing others whose behavior I disagree with.

This situation is different, though. In so far as the two of you are in the relationship you’re in, welcoming you both as a couple would be treating as good and normal a relationship which is neither.

Our concerns may cause you to cancel your visit. I hope not. We’d like to see you. However, in good conscience we must insist on this principle in our home.
Sincerely,

I wish I could say that I’m shocked that anyone would even suggest such a letter. Unfortunately, I’m not even mildly surprised. Unfortunately, the extremely conservative Christian elements have a history of these sorts of things. But rather than ranting about it, I decided to simply post my suggested response. It’s the basic response that I would send if anyone was ever foolish enough to send me such a letter.

Dear ,

I am writing to inform you that, as you suspected, i will be canceling my visit to your home. My boyfriend and I are working hard to build a life together, and it is our policy to refuse all invitations where we are not welcome as a couple. This is a principal of our relationship, and we are unwilling to compromise it.

We do not require that people approve of our relationship. We do not require that people like our relationship. However, we do require that people come to terms with our relationship and treat it as an important part of our lives. Your request that I leave my boyfriend at home when I come to visit you makes it clear that you would rather ignore an important part of my life, and I will not accept that. As such, I also wish to inform you that at this time, I find it appropriate to end our friendship.

I’m sure that this decision will shock you, and suspect that you will even think it’s an overreaction to your request. However, I would ask that you consider what you are asking of me and try to put yourself in my shoes. There are many people who disapprove of various relationships for various reasons. Some disapprove of divorcees who remarry. Some disapprove of relationships between people who feel they “married too young” or “got together for the wrong reasons.” The list of reasons that people disapprove of others’ relationships is virtually endless. Now, suppose that someone disapproved of your own marriage for one reason or another. How would you react if that person informed you that you were not welcome in their home as a couple?

You have chosen to put me in that very position. I will not abide by that. As such, I feel it is best to wish you the best in life and part ways.

Regards,
Jarred.

Friends, Gender and Sexuality, Memories

Memories: Rob and my homophobic past

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As someone who started out this life as a rather conservative fundamentalist Christian attending a Baptist Church and has since become a rather liberal, goddess-worshipping Vanic witch with a fancy for other guys, I know first-hand just how much a person can change over time. Fortunately for me, I’ve met some precious people in this world who also understood that and could embrace those changes. After all, had everyone simply chosen to look at my origins, I would be rather lonely right now.

To explore the memory that I’d like to write about, I first need to set up some background. In college, I was an active member in both my campus’s chapter of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and an “alternative ministry” program specific to my college called Acts 29. In fact, 99% of my non-academic life revolved around these two groups.

Of course, this meant I was very Christian and quite conservative in my outlook at this time, too. I felt that Christianity was the One True Religion(tm) and that homosexuality was a horrible sin. (Yes, I suspect I even uttered the baleful “love the sinner, hate the sin” phrase at least once during my college career.) Now, I wasn’t particularly antagonistic in my opinion (and a few of the gay students I’ve talked to since would even agree). I didn’t organize or stage protests. I didn’t stand outside of BGLASS (my college’s version of a gay student union) meetings and harass its members or any such thing. For the most part, I basically ignored the very existence of gay and bisexual students on campus. (Of course, I might argue that this is even worse than the things I didn’t do.) But if you asked anyone on campus who knew me, I guarantee you they knew my views.

So when my own prison-closet cracked open and I began to accept and come to terms with my own gayness, I found myself in a bit of a sticky situation. Most of my friends were of the “homosexuality is a sin” mentality, and the group that was best equipped to help me at this point in my life was filled with people I had managed to alienate, even if only indirectly. So I spent the last couple of months of my college career in a sort of limbo, only finding support from a small group of friends involved with the computer consultants (another on-campus project dedicated to helping fellow students resolve their computer problems).

And then of course, there was ISCA BBS. I had been introduced to the Telnet-based BBS (if you don’t know what any of that means, think of it as a sort of precursor to message forums that litter the Word Wide Web today) back when I was a freshman. It included discussion forums for discussing gay issues and even had an invite-only support group for LGBT-folk. I found a lot of support and helpful information there, which was boon for me. Not only that, it was something I managed to stick with after college, when living in rural PA.

Well, my worlds did collide to some degree. An old member of BGLASS (who graduated at least a year before I did), Rob, was also on ISCA BBS. What’s more, he knew my username. Well, needless to say, Rob remembered who I was and my beliefs and attitudes prior to coming out. And while he didn’t make too big of an issue of my past (in fact, he only ever mentioned it twice and was even one of the people to admit I wasn’t “too bad” when it came to stuff like harassing people), it was also pretty clear that he wasn’t exactly ready to think of it as water long passed under the bridge either.

What amazed me, however, was the reaction he received from other users of the BBS on the second time he brought up my past. I forget what exactly Rob said. To be honest, I didn’t find it all that objectionable, as he simply brought the subject up. Granted, it did give me pause to feel a twinge of guilt due to such memories, but I took it in stride. However, at least one of the long-standing members of the discussion group was not so willing to just let thing be. This individual instead chose to very pointedly remind Rob that my past was not relevant and that who I am today (or that day, as I’ve further changed since even then) was what was relevant. Indeed, this person seemed quite incensed that Rob would even bring up such distasteful skeletons.

Now, I’ve never been one to try and hide or even deny my past. I won’t beat myself up for them either, instead choosing simply to acknowledge that I made some bad choices in the past. But I was and still am grateful that there were those people who were willing to let those bad choices go and instead embrace the person I had become. I think some times, we all need people like that. May the gods bless those who accept that we may not be the same person today as we were yesterday. It grants us the freedom to continue that transformation tomorrow.

Gender and Sexuality, In and Around Rochester, Movies

Oh what a funny web we weave…

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Last night, I saw Out at the Wedding, one of the films shown as part of this year’s ImageOut film festival. It was a hilarious comedy, filled with many one-liners and thinly veiled innuendos (though that may well be a generous classification on my part).

The movie takes you along as Alex, a young woman from the South now living in New York city, spins a complicated web of lies that eventually ensnares her and all her loved ones hopelessly. She tells her fianc?, Dana, that her family is dead in order to avoid introducing him to them out of fear that they’ll reject him because he’s black. Then when her best friend from childhood, a gay man named Jonathan, accidentally starts a rumor that Alex is a lesbian during her sister’s wedding reception, Alex picks up the ruse and continues it in order to calm her sister, who is accusing her and Jonathan of starting the rumor simply to ruin the wedding. From there, each new lie is created to cover up a previous lie. The resulting web of deception eventually becomes too unwieldy and begins to unravel. However, as this is a comedy rather than a tragedy, no relationships are permanently ruined, except for the Jeannie’s (the sister) marriage, as she comes out as a lesbian and becomes the girlfriend of Risa, Alex’s “girlfriend-for-hire.”

It’s important to note that Alex is not the only deceiver in this movie. Jonathan, who now also lives in NYC, also plays several deceptive tricks on his boyfriend, Kenny, throughout the movie in order to get Kenny to eat less and become more active so he’ll shed some extra weight. (Given that Kenny is a mere thirty pounds overweight and looks fantastic to this viewer, I could go on a separate discussion concerning ludicrous standards of beauty. But this review is long enough as is.) Jonathan also helps Alex to maintain many of her own lies as well. Indeed, these two schemers-in-arms seem to be immersed so much in their lives of deception that one wonders i their entire friendship is based on the bonds of deceiving everyone around them.

Another interesting theme is that Alex often sees the need for her lies to be beyond her control. This is best exemplified by the fact that the first two lies (the death of her family and her lesbianism) originated as mere misunderstandings, a fact she takes solace in while ignoring the fact that she didn’t stop either misunderstanding when she first became aware of them, thereby perpetuating them and turning them into lies. But ignoring that fact allows her to avoid taking responsibility for the lies, something she is intent on doing until she no longer can.

I think that part of what makes this movie so funny and enjoyable is that most of us have seen these themes play out in our own lives at one time or another, so we can identify with the situations played out on the screen. And by portraying them in a comedic light, this movie frees us from the discomfort of that realization and enables us to laugh about it all. And hopefully, while laughing, we internalize the lesson and strive to live the simpler life offered by being more honest.

Gender and Sexuality

Happy NCOD!

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Today is National Coming Out Day. As such, I felt it entirely appropriate to talk about the subject of coming out of the closet. Rather than focusing on the benefits of coming out of the closet (something Peterson Toscano and others has already covered quite well), I thought I’d offer some practical bits of advice and thoughts on the whole coming out process.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that it is a process rather than an all-or-nothing proposition. I don’t have to tell my best friend, my boss, and my mother all on the same day. (Though if my best friend is lousy at keeping secrets and knows my mother, I might want to take extra care in deciding what order to come out to them in.) Personally, I’m not very out at my current job and that works for me. But then, I’m not very close to any of my coworkers and we tend to travel in very different social circles outsides of work. So I don’t have to worry about leading a double life and keeping two worlds from colliding.

The Queermobile and IAlso, it’s been my experience that coming out to new acquaintances is much easier than coming out to long-time friends and family members. This is because I don’t have a lot of emotional energy invested in the relationship with new acquaintances. If a new person in my life is uncomfortable with the fact that I’m gay, it’s easier for both of us to walk away. It’s not nearly as painful, so the risk of rejection is easier to take. And coming out to new acquaintances gives me the opportunity to make sure that I get the whole issue out of the way before building the deep friendship I’d then be afraid of harming by coming out later.

When it comes to acquaintances, especially new ones, I’d also point out that there are many ways to come out without even saying, “I’m gay.” Coming out can be as simple as mentioning that my boyfriend and I went to see the new movie that came out last Friday and we both thought it was terrible. Or I can simply mention that I think the guy walking down the sidewalk across the street is kind of cute.

The nice thing about that kind of approach is that it replaces the idea of a scary declaration into a natural comment that can be offered as a simple aside. After all, heterosexual people are talking about going to the movies with their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time. And enough heterosexual guys voice their opinions about the women passing by. So it stands to reason that it’s perfectly natural and normal for us to act similarly. And if it shatters a few assumptions on the part of those around us, all the better.

I will admit that such an approach doesn’t feel natural at first. But I can say from personal experience that it does get easier. And I’ve noticed that in general, most people get over their initial shock fairly quickly. After all, they’d have a hard time justifying a complaint about such an off-handed comment without it becoming obvious that they’re the ones making an issue out of your sexuality. And a great many people simply take the whole thing in stride.

Note that I’m recommending this approach for people one has just met or have a fairly casual relationship with. The bonds between close, long-time friends and family members require a bit more sensitivity and a personal touch when it comes to coming out. With a close friend or family member, I would always choose to sit down and have a talk which involves expressing my sexual orientation in a personal manner that is appropriate to a relationship.

As I said, coming out to close friends and family members is much more frightening due to the emotional investments involved. Being rejected by a close friend or family member hurts deeply, and no one wants to face that. However, this is where coming out to people we have casual relationships with first shows its second benefit. By coming out to acquaintances and people I’ve just met, I’ve built up confidence. I now know that the world doesn’t end just because I tell someone I’m gay. And I know that people can still accept and love me despite knowing that I love and am attracted to other men. And if people who are just meeting me for the first time can still be accepting, I can be confident in most cases that the people who already know me and love me will continue to want to do so after coming out to them. After all, they know the kind of person I am, and nothing I tell them will change that.

It may take some time for some loved ones to come around. They will have to get over their initial shock (but then again, didn’t I go through some of that myself?), but in the vast majority of cases, love will win out. And my experiences have born this truth out and convinced me of its veracity.

Of course, I don’t recommend that anyone put themselves in danger by coming out. If there’s a very real danger of losing one’s job, coming out to one’s boss just isn’t worth it. If one is financially dependent on parents who would disown a gay child (and sadly, such parents still exist), then it’s best to wait. But part of the trick is learning to distinguish between real dangers and dangers that are a matter of fear and perception only. And that takes practice. So find a situation that involves a level of risk you’re comfortable with and start practicing. In the end, it’s well worth it.

Gender and Sexuality

Thoughts on a transgender deficient ENDA

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NGLTF Executive Director Matt Foreman wrote an op-ed piece regarding Congress’s recent decision to modify the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) under discussion so that it no longer includes transgender people. I also received a request from Michael Rogers of PageOneQ to post all or part of that op-ed piece to my blog. I will do so, but I first want to offer my own comments on the topic.

I understand why Congress and some LGB groups might find a modified ENDA so appealing. Many of the religious right’s attempts to discredit ENDA, have focused on the transgender issue. Indeed, the fact that the main strategy for opposing ENDA has been to feed on people’s lack of understand and fear of trans-folk may suggest that gay and bisexual people simply aren’t the great bogeymen needed to keep workplace discrimination in place. And it’s not surprising that Congress and some activists would consider monopolizing on that fact by removing the “new bogeyman” from the picture to end workplace discrimination for at least some people. The reasons are quite appealing. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s the wrong choice. We as gay and bisexual people must not give into the temptation to leave our transgendered allies behind. It’s a dual sacrifice we can’t afford, because it sacrifices both our friends and our own principles on the altar of convenience. I for one don’t want to live in a world where I’ve lost either.

Nor do I want to give up the mutual support and the benefit of working together in the future might bring both queerfolk and trans-folk. We are stronger when we work together for our mutual benefit. Collectively, LGBT-folk have the potential to accomplish far more than if we work separately as LGB-folk and trans-folk. If we allow ourselves to lose track of that fact, the word tragic cannot even begin to characterize the results.

I’m reminded of online conversations I had with seasoned LGBT activists back in the nineties, when I was first coming out myself. I remember them lamenting that the fight for everyone’s equal rights would be far more effective if all minority groups would work together for their ultimately common cause if only each group could get over their own prejudices concerning the other groups. Unfortunately, this has not yet happened, and there are still groups who fight for their own rights and never consider those potential allies amongst other minority groups.

I don’t want to see queer-folk and trans-folk become two more groups fighting for similar rights but unwilling to consider working together. And one way to prevent that from happening is to keep us together now by making ENDA trans-inclusive again.

In closing, I offer Mr. Foreman’s compelling thoughts on our commonality:

Why have we all worked so hard together and in such a dramatic way over this issue? For over a decade, the Task Force, and increasingly our organizational colleagues, has re-embraced transgender friends, family and colleagues as part of our community and part of our movement for freedom and equality. We believe the social disapproval and punishment of LGBT people varies only by degree. Yes, we can be fired if we identify ourselves as lesbian, gay or bisexual. But it isn?t always about who we love; sometimes it?s about a refusal or inability to disguise ourselves ? ?pass? ? as heterosexual.

The freedom to express ourselves and be ourselves is at stake when any one of us is punished and persecuted for stepping outside the rigid rules of gender conformity. Lesbians, gay men and bisexual people historically engage a whole range of dress and behaviors that challenge the traditional gender code. Women who are too masculine and men who are too feminine often suffer job discrimination and harassment at work, just as our transgender sisters and brothers do.

For more information, please see the NGLTF’s page on ENDA.

Gender and Sexuality, Religion, Society

The Most Slippery Slope?

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InterstateQ blogger Matt has a post advertising the Can you be gay and Christian forum hosted by Michael Brown and the Coalition of Conscience. I’m looking forward to reading Matt’s thoughts on the forum, as he went to it. In the meantime, I’d like to draw attention to the conversation between Dr. Brown and myself in the comments regarding slippery slope arguments. I’d also like to expand on my thoughts further.

I have a big issue with the use of slippery slope arguments to justify discrimination of any sort. (Actually, I have a big issue with the use of slippery slope arguments to justify just about anything.) As I mentioned in the comments, I find myself wondering how one ultimately draws the line in determining whether a slippery slope is legitimate in a particular situation. Again, can my own argument about the correlation between a belief in absolute truth and a tendency to persecute those who don’t subscribe to that truth be used to outlaw the belief in absolute truth? After all, by closing the door to a belief in absolute truth, we keep the door to persecution based on that belief closed as well. Similarly, can we shut the door to all automobile future crashes by outlawing the use of automobiles? After all, if one supports Dr. Brown’s slippery slope argument, what unique argument can they provide against supporting either of my slippery slope argument? Indeed, the fact that the slippery slope argument can be used against itself is possibly one of the best reasons to discount it.

But let me suggest a hypothesis here. The fact that someone would even bring up a slippery slope argument may well suggest that the reason to argue against something is poor indeed. After all, a slippery slope argument relies on what might happen (often suggesting it’s too inevitable to chance) rather than considering the original proposition on its own faults and merits. It’s a red flag that tells those listening, “We can’t come up with a better reason why we oppose this, so we’re going to rely on everyone’s fear of something else that may come up as a result to make our case.” And one must wonder, if no case against the original proposition can be made on said propositions own faults, should any case be made at all?

And does reacting to something based solely — or even primarily — on a fear of what may be make any sense? To put an even finer point, is such a rationale appropriate for adherents of a religion that has a rather negative opinion of fear? Indeed, one must wonder why Christians who have been given a spirit of love and power as well as a sound mind would be so strongly motivated by the fear of what may be? And one wonders why Christian leaders would encourage such motivation through slippery slope arguments.

Gender and Sexuality, Rants, Religion, Society

Hatemonger number one comes to my neighborhood

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This afternoon, when I checked my email, I found a missive from the GAGV. It started out with the following words:

It has been brought to our attention that Fred Phelps, who is known for picketing funerals of victims of AIDS, is planning a ?God Hates Fags? protest here in our community today at the memorial service for the five Cheerleaders from Fairport High School that were killed recently.

Of course, my perverse sense of humor immediately cackled with glee at the thought that my area (Fairport is just to the east of Rochester) has somehow earned the attention and protests of Fred Phelps and his merry band of hatemongers. Phelps and those like him amuse me to no end, and part of me would love to check out the protest tonight just for the sake of satisfying my morbid curiosity.

But on the other hand, I can’t help but feel bad for the friends and families of these girls. I can only imagine what it must be like to have such hatemongers intrude upon what is already a sacred time of expressing the pains of grief and loss.

Of course, Phelps and his group really give no strong explanation of why they chose this funeral to picket. Indeed, their only comment (other than to rattle off a long and nasty sounding Bible passage) about this stop in their picket schedule is to decry the girls who died as “raised-for-the-Devil, American whores.” Personally, I find these inflammatory and awful words, and words that I find hard to believe Phelps has any basis for using. After all, he doesn’t know these girls personally.

Personally, I suspect that Phelps simply chose this funeral to picket on the grounds that it’s the day before another scheduled protest that will take place approximately two hours from the Rochester area. As such, it strikes me as (1) a protest of convenience and (2) nothing more than another opportunity to toot his own self-righteous horn. (I cannot fathom a more despicable violation of a funeral than that.)

In the end, I think that the Fairport High School are right in their assessment that Phelps is simply looking for more intention and their subsequent request that those attending the memorial service ignore him to the best of their abilities. However, I hope that those in attendance at least shoot him a consterning look that communicates the shame he should feel.

Gender and Sexuality, Sexuality

Considering an “ex-gay” letter

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Matt over at InterstateQ has an update on the recent doings of Michael Glatze, former editor of Young Gay America and now happy ex-gay. Apparently, he’s been sending an email to various gay bloggers, the full test of which can be found courtesy of Good as You. (Other bloggers, like Brady, have received the same message as a comment on their blogs. Being the curious sort, I decided to read this mass mailing. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Part of me wants to laugh because of how ridiculous the whole thing is. However, the part of me who realizes that Mr. Glatze likely believes the things he’s saying wants to cry. At any rate, I had to comment on a few comments in this “email.”

Think about that; you could ? really ? be a man or a woman! Not a strange creature? but, real!

Apparently, Mr. Glatze has confused sexual orientation with Gender Identity Disorder. The fact that I am romantically and sexually attracted to other men does not negate the fact that I am a man myself one iota. If Mr. Glatze felt that his homosexuality made him “less of a man,” then that is unfortunate and something he should have sought to rectify. But I find his desire to project his lacking sense of masculinity on me or the rest of the gay community at large.

Gay Identity has been packaged and fed to you…

Actually, gay identity is something that I came to understand myself. In reality, I grew up knowing nothing about gay identity. In fact, I didn’t know there was such a thing as same sex sexual activity until seventh grade. (And believe me, it wasn’t presented to me in a positive light by any stretch of the imagination.) No, the idea of sexual orientation as an integral part of identity was something I didn’t learn about until well into adulthood, after many years of trying to change or ignore my feelings and desires.

…those angry voices in your mind, planted there by Satan, might scream and judge and ridicule…

This may be one of the most bizarre statements I have heard in a long time. To suggest that there are voices in another person’s head — angry or otherwise — seems absolutely strange. I find myself wondering if Mr. Glatze makes this suggestion because he has angry voices inside his head. After all, it is common for us to assume that everyone thinks and feels exactly like us. If that is the case, then Mr. Glatze has my deepest sympathy. Because if he’s been dealing with angry voices in his head, he has much bigger issues to face than the question of his sexual orientation. I merely hope he gets any hope he might need.

I know, in my heart, that all homosexuals desire to be free.

The thing that Mr. Glatze fails to understand is that many of us are free. The problem is, he chooses to see a non-heterosexual orientation as something that holds us in bondage. He is welcome to that opinion. But to assume that we share that basic viewpoint with him on any level and therefore desire the “freedom” he’s offering is both foolish and rude.

This man’s letter demonstrates everything that is wrong with the ex-gay movement.

Emotions, Gender and Sexuality, Personal Development, Society

Pre-Acceptance Issues

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Since I first began to check out Misty Irons this weekend, I’ve spent a certain amount of time looking over her site and blog. I find her search for truth refreshing and inspiring. Also, I admire her honest desire to create and facilitate dialogue. So when I ran across her three part series on how queers and conservative Christians “talk past each other, I was more than a little fascinated. For this entry, I’m going to focus on the contents of Part 1, where she talks about her initial difficulty in understanding gay pride.

In all reality, both my personal experiences and my observations have led me to conclude that gay pride is a difficult concept for most queers to understand when they’re first coming to terms with their sexual orientation. I remember the first year or two of my own journey where the whole idea made no sense. I remember telling my friends, “I may be able to accept that I’m gay, but I see no point in being proud about it.” I also argued that it made no more sense to be proud of being gay than it did to be proud that I had blue eyes.

Just as Misty had to get a clearer picture of the coming out process and the difficulty and self-hatred that is usually involved in the early stages of the coming out process to understand the subsequent pride, I had to go through that process before I could truly appreciate and even experience that pride for myself. And I’ve noticed the same lack of understanding in the handful of other gay people (mostly men) I’ve known while they’re going through that stage of their life again. So it only makes sense that non-queers would only be able to understand the idea of gay pride only after becoming familiar with the processing leading up to it.

This is where Misty notes that not everyone who is gay talks about this early period of self-hatred. In fact, she goes so far as to suggest that its discussion is practically forbidden in the gay community:

It was a strange thing, then, for me to learn that when someone who is gay makes such an honest admission, they are practically shouted down by fellow gays for ?self-hatred.? The very admission that helped to open up my mind and heart, just enough to encourage me to keep on digging, is considered a heresy in the gay community.

Again, based on my own experiences and observations, I am inclined to agree with her assessment. And like her, I find this state of affairs troubling — both for the reasons she mentioned and my own. To that extent, I think it’s important to consider what motivates this push for silence.

First, I think that we must face the simple truth that we as humans prefer to avoid that which causes us pain — or even makes us uncomfortable — whenever possible. The early stages in the journey to self-acceptance are often extremely painful. Even among those who were raised in “gay-friendly” family environments, there’s often still a certain amount of discomfort in the coming out process. For those of us who were raised in environments that took a much more negative outlook on homosexuality, the process can be downright hellish. I don’t think it’s any that wonder we might be a little hesitant to drudge that back up or put it on display for others.

Of course, this explains why an individual might not want to expose their own past pains. It does not explain why an individual would actively discourage another person from doing so. It does not explain why we are so quick to silence those going through the process and haven’t fully escaped that self-loathing or sense of resignation to move into actual self-acceptance and self-affirmation.

My personal theory on that one is that we silence them because seeing their pain reminds us of our own. Allowing those who are still on the journey to speak too strongly of these things reminds us of that past we’d like to move beyond and forget about. Unfortunately, attempting to silence them robs us of something the experience offers us: an opportunity for deeper, more complete healing of our own pains.

I also believe that in some ways, it’s a well-intentioned attempt at protecting the person who is hasn’t reached the point of self-acceptance. To put as fine a point as possible on it, admitting that one wishes one wasn’t gay is a pretty good invitation to the proponents of ex-gay therapy to offer you their alternative. That’s an alternative that many of us have tried and failed at, sometimes at great personal cost. So the thought of seeing someone else open themselves up to going down that road themselves can cause some pretty strong reactions. And it is not surprising, however unfortunate it may be, that sometimes, the reaction results in strongly discouraging someone from making such statements.

Ultimately, I think this kind of reaction is more harmful than good. Not only does it prevent would-be supporters from fully understanding us, but it also has negative effects on us. Not being able to be open about our experiences and feelings only inhibits us from finding healing and wholeness. Hopefully, this truth is something that we as individuals and a community will come to understand and seek to change the way we handle these issues in the future.

Gender and Sexuality

Musings on bXg and the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference

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In just under a week, Beyond Ex-Gay will be sponsoring their first Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. I haven’t been following the details of it until just recently. But the more I hear, the more excited I’m getting. So when I saw that they are inviting others to write and say what the conference means to them, I decided to speak up.

I do not consider myself an ex-gay. I never went to therapy. I never joined any of the various organizations or support groups that loosely make up the ex-gay movement. The closest I ever came to the ex-gay movement was to read a book written to help people “come out of homosexuality.” Beyond that, I merely prayed for God to change my attractions and asked friends to do likewise.

However, I do think I understand the kind of self-loathing and sense of frustration that drives a person to undergo such therapy. After all, those were the same feelings that motivated my own solitary struggle. (Truth be told, I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t try ex-gay therapy.) I can understand how the need to change can be so intense when you believe that your value as a person, moral integrity, and happiness all hinge on overcoming same-sex attractions. I can understand being willing to do almost anything to rescue yourself from that. And I know the kind of emotional and spiritual damage you can do to yourself while operating from that mindset.

That knowledge is the underlying motivation why I started working on my personal story months ago. I look at what I put myself through during that time of my life, and my heart aches to think that other people are facing those same struggles and choices today. And every fiber of my being cries out to help them find a better way the first time around and save themselves that kind of pain.

To me, I see the same desire motivating this conference and bXg in general. I see a group of people who wish to share their own experiences so that others might think twice about repeating them. I see a group of people who like me, are saying to those around them, “Let’s find a better way together.” And I find that comforting and encouraging.