Category Archives: Health

Health, Introspection, Love, Memories, Personal Development

Health Stuff and Heart Stuff

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I think I took my last outdoor walk of 2004. I had my light, nylon jacket on, and until I got heated up and sweating, I was pretty darn cold. I suppose I could keep the outdoor walks going if I switched over to my winter coat, but I’m not sure I want to do that, yet. Besides, that’s only a temporary fix, and the way that the weather is feeling, it wouldn’t last long. Soon, it will be my face, hands, and feet getting too cool. And I can’t forget that my jeans are still pretty loose. No, I think it’ll be better to switch to indoor walking. I’ll just have to start going to the Pyramid Mall during lunch so that I can walk there. Though that mall is almost too small for a real walk.

My other option is to wait until after work and go to the Arnot mall so I can walk there. It’s a larger mall and better for walking. But I think I prefer to walk during the middle of the day. I found it’s helping me some with my appetite problems in the middle of the afternoon. If I get a good walk in just before I eat lunch, I find lunch much more satisfying and it seems to keep me satisfied longer. I don’t exactly get that, since walking should increase my metabolism, causing my body to burn through the calories of lunch even quicker. There must be a piece to the equation I’m missing. Probably several, if I think about it.

Well, I guess it’s time to write about the time of year. I’ve been putting it off because I don’t want to, but it’s been on my mind too much to avoid it any longer. I knew I’d have to get it out there sometime, so I might as well get it over with. This week marks the six year anniversary since the nuclear explosion between Z, S, and myself. It’s hard to narrow it down past “this week,” since the whole thing strung out over a period of seven to ten days. I mark the time period from when S sent me the “I’m mad at you and I don’t want to talk to you for at least six months” email on 9 October and she replied to my email telling her off on 17 October with a statement that she didn’t care what “my side of the story” was and made death threats. In between, both she and Z told me that they never wanted to talk to me again and lots of other nasty things. I grant you, some of them were deserved. I was no innocent, and I don’t want to give the impression that I was, or the impression that I think I am.

I don’t know, but part of me wonders if this is why I’ve been a bit morose and on edge lately. I’ve been trying to deny that, as I really don’t want to admit that this might still bother me. But then again, the fact that it’s on my mind suggests that it might. But then I find myself wondering. Am I morose and on edge because the time of year has reminded me of these past events? Or has my mood simply caused my mind to dredge all this back up. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I suppose all that matters is that it’s on my mind and I have to write it out.

Damn, I really didn’t want to write about this. I’m not entirely sure I want to think about it. At least not in this emotional context. It’s been six years. I’ve made new friends. I’ve met a wonderful man and I’m in a relationship I enjoy. I’d rather just let all the past hurts slip gently away. But I guess they have to do that in their own time, don’t they?

The funny thing is, the whole thing with Z himself doesn’t really bother me anymore. It seems to me that I made peace with him, and that’s all water under the bridge. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t feel a tinge of something — sadness maybe? — over how things went with him. But there’s a certain peace there. If not perfect, it’s been resolved. But I don’t have that feeling with S. Isn’t it strange that the person I was theoretically closer to — the one I had a romantic relationship and the first person I ever had sex with — causes less of an emotional reaction than the one I was just friends with?

I suppose part of that is because of the betrayal involved. It’s because I thought she and I were good friends. I let myself be vulnerable to her — possibly in ways I wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable to Z. And she betrayed that. Not only did she betray that, but she practically declared me evil incarnate, and I think that’s what really hurt. I mean sure, I was in the wrong in some ways. But evil incarnate was pushing it a bit far.

I think it also is because I took her crap onto myself. For a while, I believed her accusations. I let myself be crushed by her hurtful words. In effect, the hurt and anger towards her is also partly the hurt and anger towards myself for accepting that kind of wounding. Maybe even for making myself vulnerable in the first place.

But I’m not angry at her anymore. At least not as near as I can tell. Anger takes up too much energy. It has to be constantly kindled, and I’ve quit wasting that energy. Heck, I can’t even say that I hold her in contempt any more. Contrary to what I’ve often thought, I’m finding that just takes too much effort and energy, too.

Do you know what I do feel for her? Pity. And maybe a little sympathy. But mostly pity, I think. She reacted the way she did not just because she didn’t know everything and made assumptions, but because she let her own emotional demons rule her reaction. And unless things have changed for her in the last six years, she’s still living with that, and may have to live with that for the rest of her life. She’s built a cage for herself out of the past and her own bitterness and anger, and she doesn’t even see that she’s trapped in it. I hope I’m wrong. I hope she’s moved on from that point in her life, breaking the bonds she helped strengthen. But I don’t know if that’s happened. All I know is what I saw. And it’s that S of the past that I pity.

I hope I’m not doing the same thing. I want to be free of this past. And I think I’ve done my best to set myself right. I think I’ve broken many thigns that have held me from these betrayals and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize those that remain and the strength to break them as well when I do recognize them.

But I still find myself wondering why this is still coming to my mind.

Health, Pets, Randomness

Hiatus Over

Well, I hadn’t originally planned on taking a short hiatus, but it appears that’s what happened. It was a matter that I got so busy the last few days, that I just didn’t take the time or find the energy to write an entry. Oh well, I think I needed the break, anyway.

I needed a break from life in general, I think. This afternoon, I took a two and a half hour nap and did hardly anything today. In fact, the only thing I did was go down to the park and go for my walk. I haven’t been doing that for over a month now. Well, not regularly, at least. I’ve been walking here and there at different times, but I need to work on my consistency again.

My sister and her kids are away for a couple of days. They decided to drive down to New Jersey today and spend a couple nights with a friend my sister made while she and her husband were stationed down there. That means that I got a relatively quiet house all day. So I don’t have to stay up until almost midnight to get two solid hours of peace and quiet before bedtime.

I’m finding I need that peace and quiet before I go to bed. It helps me to relax more, so I’m more ready to drift off to sleep. And anything that will help me drift off more easily is definitely a welcome change. I think that’s part of why I’m still cutting back on my television watching so much. Not having my brain inundated by television is more mentally calming too. Though I watched more television this week than the previous week. That’s partly because I decided to watch a couple of movies on DVD. I was in the mood to watch Blade Friday night (I didn’t get home in time to watch it on TNT from the beginning). But I couldn’t find my DVD. So I ended up watching The Matrix instead. Though now I’m going a little crazy wondering where that DVD got off to.

On Friday, I had to take my mother’s miniature schnauzer to the groomer. We got his shaved down. He looks funny, but I’m getting used to the look. Instead of looking like a giant dust mop with legs, he now looks like a real dog. He still needs to be trimmed up around the chin a bit, but the groomer said she was having problems with him because the sound of the clippers bothered him. But she’s sure that he’ll get used to it after a couple of groomings. The next one will be in six to eight months. Hopefully, getting it done will convince Mom that regular grooming will help the poor guy with his skin problems.

On Saturday, I went to see my friends Mike and Amber. I finally got to meet their little bundle of legs, fur, and teeth, Shamrock. He’s a twelve week old Italian Greyhound. And he’s absolutely adorable, but he’s a handful. He’s about the only dog I’ve met that is more hyper than my mother’s dog or my sister’s black lab mix. And unlike either of those dogs, Shamrock is flexible enough to still chew on you if you try to hold him with your hand on the underside of his neck. But I didn’t get any visible scratches, so it’s all good.

Health

Getting Healthier

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Tonight, I went for my walk. I’m actually doing really well at this again. I’m finding that four or five days a week seems makes for the perfect regimen. It’s comfortable. That was the problem I had with walking every day back in November. As time went on, I started feeling like I had to “force” my exercise. I think I overdid it and burned out. Whereas with this new pattern, I get two or three days off each week, which keeps me feeling good. I get both the exercise and the breaks I need.

I’m also thinking about modifying my schedule. I was originally planning on walking Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But the more I think about it, that really doesn’t make sense. It means that I’m walking four days in a row, taking a break, walking one day, and then taking another break. And let me tell you, those Friday through Monday benders are getting to me a bit, I think. I think it makes sense for me to take my break on Monday and then walk Tuesday and Wednesday. That way, I’m walking a maximum of three days in between breaks. I think I’ll find it more comfortable.

Now I just have to work out a more doable meditation schedule…

Health, Personal Development

Another good day

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Well, this was another day of doing little, but getting things done that will benefit me overall. For starters, I managed to do yet another fifteen minute meditation. I could grow to enjoy that. I may have to try and figure out a way to continue it while at work. I could take fifteen minutes out of my lunch break, but I need to work out the circumstances. I don’t think I’d manage to do it at the office. People don’t respect a person’s lunch break if they’re still in the building. So I’d end up getting interrupted. So I might see about trying it in my car. I could just sit in the driver’s seat. If I leaned back a bit, most people might even assume that I was taking a nap and leave me alone. I might have to try that.

I have found that having some sort of timer is an absolute benefit when meditating. It creates a situation where you can relax and really get into the process of calming and focusing your mind. Before I got this little programmable digital timer I now use, I’d find myself having to worry about what time it was or how long it’s taken. But now that I can just set the timer, close my eyes, and remain confident that my little “buddy” will let me know when it’s time to stop, I found I can focus much more on what I’m attempting.

If I remember right, I got the fifteen minute time limit from the ADF Dedicant’s program. It’s the nominal time for daily meditations that they recommend (though they actually require much less to complete the program — or least used to). I’m beginning to understand why. There seems to be something about that time frame. Today, as I was doing my meditation, I found a certain pattern forming. And I’m pretty sure that yesterday worked the same way. It seems as though the first few minutes of that time span is spent trying to relax and actually get into the right state of mind. Then the majority of the time is spent in a good meditative state — I completely zoned today, I think. But by the end of the fifteen minutes, I’ve been finding that my mind starts “resurfacing” on its own. My state of meditation tends to get much lighter. And this usually happens — at my best guess, since I don’t actually look — about two to three minutes before the timer goes off.

I also went for my mile walk today, again. This time, I made the circuit in sixteen to seventeen minutes. I think that’s a minute faster than yesterday. I”m really quite surprised that I’m able to walk it that quickly. Maybe it means that I’m not in quite as bad shape as I thought I was. Sure I still have to lose about 100 pounds, but I’m not just doing this to lose weight. I’m also doing this for my stanima and other health concerns. The weight loss — which I do hope comes eventually — is just one more benefit . And a healthy one at that. Of coruse, I also need to cut back on the sweets again and generally watch my eating habbits. But that’s next on my list. I honestly think that my biggest concern is my lack of physical activity. So hopefully, we’ll be fixing that soon enough.

Tomorrow, I’m walking at the mall. I don’t want to go down to the park because they’re having a tractor pull there. From what I understand, that will be right next to the walking path — if not straddling it! So I figure it’ll be just as safe to go someplace else. And with any luck, the mall will be empty. But I know it’s open, because Raechel says Friendly’s will be open.