Yesterday, I learned from fellow blogger Benton Quest that this month is National Masturbation Month.
Feel free to have a bit of fun in the comments with this topic, but try not to let things get too out of hand. 😉
Category Archives: Humor
A bit of humor
I decided to post my favorite joke, since I was writing it up for another site, anyway.
John came from a relatively conservative hometown and had great parents. He went away to a college about three hours from home. During his first semester there, he came out to himself. After a few months, John decided he really needed to come out to his parents. So he called them and let him know that he’d be home that weekend.
On the drive home, John decided it would be best to tell his mother first. He figured it would be easier to talk with her and then have her help in breaking the news to his father.
As he arrived home and opened the front door, he was greeted by the smells of his mother’s home cooking. “Mom!” he called out.
Her voice carried through the house despite its soft tones. “I’m in the kitchen getting supper ready!” He wandered back, slightly nervous but determined. Once he reached the kitchen, he found his mother standing in front of the stove, dutifully stirring the contents of a large pot with a wooden spoon. “Did you have a pleasant drive home, dear?”
“Yes, I did.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “Mom, I need to talk to you.”
She continued stirring as she replied, “Okay, dear. I’m listening.”
“Mom, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching at school, and I don’t really know how else to say this. Mom, I’m gay.”
She continued to attend to her cooking without speaking. After several moments, he broke the silence. “Mom?”
“I heard you,” she replied in her usual tone, not betraying her thoughts or emotions.
John shifted nervously. “Don’t you have anything else to say?”
After a moment, she paused stirring looked out the window. Finally, she asked, “Does this mean you like putting other men’s things in your mouth?”
Suddenly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going, John shifted and stammered. “Well, yeah, I guess.”
Quick as lightning, his mother turned to face him, wielding her wooden spoon like a weapon. She brought the utensil smashing down on his head with a large cracking sound. He was still stunned when she brought her face inches from his own and hissed, “I don’t ever want to hear you complain about my cooking again!”
Fun at Friendly’s
Yesterday, I decided to run to Friendly’s for lunch. The place was relatively empty, and I think there were only two servers working. Stef met me at the door and seated me. She asked me if I wanted a diet coke (a sign I go there way too often), to which I assented. As she headed back to the kitchen, the other server, a young man named Kyle, walked by and said he’d be right with me. Apparently, Stef had planned on waiting on me herself, so they had a brief conversation in the kitchen to decide who would actually take my table. (I love it when servers fight over me.)
Apparently, they eventually agreed that Kyle would be my server, because he walked over with my diet coke, introduced himself, and asked me if I was ready to order. I placed my order only to have him give me the perfect opportunity to tease him a little. After I ordered my food, he asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I laughed, glanced at the table, then looked back to him to politely ask, “You mean besides the diet coke you just brought me.” He laughed in flustered embarrassment (I consider the fact that he didn’t turn beet red nothing short of miraculous) and explained he was used to doing things in a certain order. I just smile and said I understood.
While we had been talking, I noticed a chain around his neck, so I looked closely at the two pendants hanging off it. This is a new habit I’m working on developing, as I’m realizing just how much a person’s choice of jewelry or body art can offer an opportunity for conversation. I noted the crucifix (which, when combined with my estimate of his age, gave me enough reason to decide to keep things to a bit of fun chat and maybe some slight flirtation) as well as a large “55.” So when he stopped by later to check on me, I inquired. As it turns out, he’s a football player and that’s his number. (Of course, we won’t go into the thoughts of being tackled that suddenly came to mind.) He mentioned that it had been his number in both high school and now college. (Of course, I was relieved to confirm that he was at least in college. I’m much more comfortable with feeling slightly lecherous rather than downright criminal.)
When it came time for ice cream, I ordered the recently re-released the peanut butterpan sundae, so I ordered that. Kyle commented that he never tried that one. I said I had it last time they offered it and loved it. I mentioned in passing that it had peanut butter in it, so that meant I’d naturally love it. So the sneak decided to demonstrate just how good a server he was by making the sundae with extra peanut butter. Needless to say, someone got a very good tip (even moreso than usual).
I have to admit, I enjoyed the meal, and I had fun chatting up my waiter just a bit. Sure, he’s too young for me (I think I’m through with college students), and the religion thing would be an issue. (After all, he’s not goth, so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t wearing a crucifix just for the “cool factor.”) But sometimes, it’s just fun to be able to chat and have a little harmless fun with someone. And besides, I think it was good practice for me. I really could use more practice being chatty and flirty, as it’s something I struggle with (especially if I actually find the person I’m chatting with attractive). So this was a great activity. And either Kyle didn’t notice or didn’t exactly mind, so it worked out well.
And I do like that I’m learning to be more attentive to picking out little things to comment on. It should really help me with starting conversations in the future.
Nothing like a little ego boost
Apparently, the gods decided I needed a bit of a confidence boost this evening. Two different guys decided to check me out while Michele, Belinda, and I were at the restaurant tonight. Unfortunately, neither of them took it to the next level by asking me for my phone number, but it was a nice experience, nonetheless.
In reality, I didn’t notice the one guy checking me out, but both of my companions assured me he did. It was while we were standing at the front of the restaurant waiting for our turn to be seated. Two young men in their mid-twenties (or so I’d estimate) stood on the other side of the aisle leading from the front door of the restaurant to the hostess’s station. Apparently, the one looked over my way and took several seconds to check me over. What a shame nothing came of it, though.
The other instance I’m not 100% sure of, but the guy who seated us when it was our turn seemed incredibly friendly. Once we took our seats, he turned to me and complimented me on my creative tee shirt (it’s the “2QT2BSTR8” one). Now many people have commented on this shirt, but this is the first time someone has struck up almost a full minute long conversation over the topic. Granted, I still might have shrugged it off as nothing if Michele didn’t comment on the incident herself. (Indeed, she went so far as to say she wanted to tell him to ask me out already by the time our brief conversation ended.) And he did exchange smiles a couple more times throughout the meal, so it was interested. But alas, he never said anything. And to be frank, I’ve embarrassed myself one too many times to take a chance on mistaking yet another person in the service sector as being more friendly than their job requires or even suggests.
All the same, it was nice to be noticed. I hope it keeps happening on a regular basis. Though I also hope one of these guys gets up the courage to do more than just check me out.
I have a Smurf’s soul!
What color is your soul painted?
Blue
Your soul is painted the color blue, which embodies the characteristics of peace, patience, understanding, health, tranquility, protection, spiritual awareness, unity, harmony, calmness, coolness, confidence, dependability, loyalty, idealism, tackiness, and wisdom. Blue is the color of the element Water, and is symbolic of the ocean, sleep, twilight, and the sky.
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Now I’ll have to see the movie
Matt Hill posted the following clip from Loggerheads on his blog. I had to share it here.
The horror!
Of course, what I think is particularly funny is how the husband makes the comment about another neighbor only being “half mad” since only one of the new neighbors is Mexican. It demonstrates how we can easily make fun of another person’s prejudice while being completely oblivious to our own.
The local bishop must really hate these guys.
Last night, I took Belinda and Jim to Equal Grounds to hear the musical and comic stylings of a local group called The Monastery Dropouts. Unfortunately, this group doesn’t appear to have a website, so I can’t link to them (or keep track of their future performances).
I had never heard of group until a couple weeks ago when I received an email from Equal Grounds (I’m on their mailing list) announcing that they would be performing live at the coffee shop. I forwarded the email to Michele, knowing that she and Belinda would be in town the day of the show and suggested it as possible entertainment for the evening. Everyone seemed to like the idea, though Michele was unable to go with us.
The group’s act can probably be best described the way Jim put it, part cabaret, part comedy act. The two members of the show are quick-witted, funny, and sing quite well. Their musical repertoire included such songs as The Vatican Rag by Tom Lehrer. In between songs, both men would banter back and forth and even with the audience, making for a humorous atmosphere. It’s not clear how much of the banter was scripted and how much was improvisational, though both men would probably claim it’s 100% the latter. If so, I would certainly never want to get into a battle of wits with either of them.
The show was marvellous and lasted for over two hours. The four of us (Becky joined us there late) all agreed we’d go see The Monastery Dropouts again if given the chance.
An amusing case of mistaken identity
A while back, Seething Mom was kind enough to post a link to my coming out story on her website. Apparently, this has led at least one other blogger to mistakenly assume that I’m Seething Mom’s son.
I discovered this fact this evening when I checked my site statistics and saw a large influx of visitors from Rising Up Whole. Naturally curious as to who’s linking to me, I paid a visit. And while I’m certainly grateful for the added attention the post over there has brought to my story, I’m sorry that there’s been a bit of a confusion over the relationship between myself and Seething Mom.
So to clarify to anyone who might be confused, Seething Mom and I are just friends. I found her diary originally through a mutual friends. Since then, I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with her via blog posts and comments and even a couple of emails. However, I am not her son. I only wish I was. 😉
A great night of comedy
This evening, I picked up Becky at her apartment and headed over to the Clarion Riverside Hotel to catch Vickie Shaw doing her comedy act. Before I saw the announcement a month ago that ImageOut was sponsoring her for a one night act in the area, I had never heard of her before. All that I can say is that I now know what I’ve been missing.
Vickie Shaw does an incredible standup routine that mostly focuses on her life, her relationship with Sargent Patch, her relationship with her kids and other family members, and her general outlook on life. She then salts this routine by having a bit of fun with the stereotypes about gay men and lesbians. Her delivery is accentuated by her personality, which is the essence of southern refinement with a coarser edge. (Or maybe it’s the other way around, it’s hard to say.)
Some of my favorite lines from tonight’s act are as follows:
“I told you I love you once. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know!”
“We gay people think you straight people out there are just fine. We just don’t want you teaching our kids.”
“And the baby dykes scream, ‘No! I dont want to wear it!'” (Talking about little girls and Easter dresses.)
The entire show was an hour long stream of stories and jokes which kept us all laughing. After her act was over, she held a question and answer session, inviting the audience to ask her anything. At this point, Ms. Shaw demonstrated that she was not only a comic genius, but an intelligent and deeply thoughtful woman. This particularly became clear when she spoke about the stand-up comic business and the difficulty that lesbians and gay men — the latter more especially — face in trying to make it in the business.
After everything was over, I took Becky around and introduced her to some familiar faces. I also made a point of taking a moment to speak with Ms. Shaw and thank her for such an enjoyable experience. I also bought a copy of her DVD, “Vickie Shaw Live.” I plan on tormenting Belinda with it tomorrow evening.
It was a spectacular night, and I’m glad I went. Becky had a great time too, an being able to share the experience with a friend certainly added to the overall experience. And if I ever get a chance to catch Ms. Shaw’s act again, you better believe I’ll jump all over it.
Oh yeah, and I also got “laid”
In my last post, I left out an amusing anecdote from the lunch trip with Mindy and Belinda. When we went to lunch, Min ended up driving because both Belinda’s car and my own were filled with junk. So we all piled into the cleanest car of the three. I noticed a couple of Hawaiian leis hanging over the front passenger seat. I commented on how beautiful they were, and Min offered to let me take one. After pondering whether I felt okay with it, I decided to accept her generous offer. I ended up choosing the one that had light blue and lavender (there’s that color again!) flowers. The other one was pretty too, but this one was more subdued, and therefore seemed more appropriate for me. I ended up wearing it for the rest of the day. Naturally, this resulted in many jokes along the lines of the title of this post.
It was quite funny to notice the reaction many people had throughout the day. After all, I wore this in Psychic’s Thyme for the rest of the afternoon, and at the restaurant when Michele, Belinda, and I decided to have dinner together at Red Robin. And I wore it into the two convenience stores I stopped at later that night. According to Michele, the people a few tables away from us in Red Robbin kept staring at me like they were trying to figure out why I was wearing it, as did one of the waitresses. The girl at the Kwik Fill actually came out and asked if I was planning on going out that night or something. Of course, I also got a lot of compliments on it, as everyone thought it was quite pretty. What can I say, I like pretty things. In some ways, I do fit the stereotypes about gay men.
I had considered wearing it again today, but realized I had no shirts clean that it would really go with. Today, I’m wearing a rainbow-color shirt whose colors are just too bright and loud to match the more subdued pastels of the lei. It wouldn’t have looked the same as it did against my white “2QT2BSTR8” tee shirt. I might have also been able to get away with my white tee shirt with the rainbow-colored cats embroidered on it. The rainbow colors on that shirt are also bright and somewhat loud, but I think that given that most of the shirt is white, it would still work.
So over the next several weeks, I suspect I’ll wear the silly thing off and on. I think that’s mostly because it is silly, and I’m in the mood to express a little bit of silliness. Plus I like the idea of wearing something that I consider pretty.