Category Archives: Introspection

Going Out, Introspection, Memories, Personal Development

Thinking back and looking ahead

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Today, I got looking through old diary entries from the time when I moved up here to Rochester. As I read through them, it amazed me to notice how things have progressed since then. Things simply didn’t work out the way I expected them to. But that’s okay, because I like the way things turned out better than I would’ve had they gone the way I’d originally planned.

I think one of the things that truly amuses me is the fact that I mentioned in two separate entries how close the mall was to my townhouse. I was quite excited about that fact when I moved in. That’s understandable, as the closest mall to me back when I lived with my parents was more than thirty minutes away by car.

Today, I rarely go to the mall. (And when I do, I will often make the trip out to the Eastview Mall instead.) In reality, I’m just not a big shopper, and I realized that hanging out at the mall and people watching (one of my original goals) just wasn’t my style. I’d much rather interact with people rather than watch them. So now, I’m finding myself preferring the coffee shops and other venues where conversation is more likely to pop up.

Of course, I still like that all the other stores that cropped up around the mall are still there. Being ten minutes from Best Buy, Borders, Target, and Wal-Mart is still a plus. But those are conveniences, whereas the closeness of a mall was a novelty that quickly wore off.

Shortly after I moved, I also started making plans to volunteer at Lollypop Farms. I’ve officially given that up. I quit going regularly back before Christmas and just decided that while I enjoyed working with the cats and chatting with the staff and volunteers as we worked side by side, I’d rather sleep in after doing things on Saturday nights. And any other shift would similarly interfere with other activities I’ve gotten into since coming to the area.

I also tried three classes through the Rush-Henrietta school district’s continuing education program the first nine months I was here. I enjoyed every last one of them, but they weren’t quite what I expected. I had joined to meet people, and I did exactly that. But I also found that most of them were older people. As I was and am trying to meet people in my own age bracket, I decided to give that a halt.

However, I will note that I’m toying with the idea of teaching a class. The blogging class I took through them was discontinued after the first quarter they tried it. This was because the instructor for the class took a new job and was no longer able to teach the class. I’ve considered talking to the continuing education office about teaching my own class of that sort. But I haven’t committed yet.

While I didn’t mention it in any of the diary entries back then, I would also note that I had originally checked out COAP. Back then, I decided not to join. Most of the events they described at the time were outings and trips, and I just couldn’t see myself getting involved when I didn’t know anyone. And yet, now, I’m becoming an increasingly active member in COAP. I’ve attended the last three game nights, and I’m off to a dinner this evening and eagerly anticipating the increased number activities that Woody says tend to start in the summer.

Learning about game night from Rob contributed greatly to my decision to reconsider my position on COAP. I wasn’t prepared to go to Toronto with a bunch of strangers. But I could definitely see myself sitting around playing board games (actually, we have yet to play one) and card games with them. It was a setting that I could be relatively comfortable in, and it’s proved quite rewarding.

But I also think it was a matter of me just not being ready until this past February. As I look back over the past twenty months, I realize that I’ve gone through a lot of growth and healing which have greatly boosted my self-confidence. This in turn has helped me learn to be more open to and even desire increased socialization. And I was able to see how much I needed it. So things changed, and now I’m ready to take those extra steps that I was only ready to talk about back when I moved here. In some ways, I guess you could say that moving here began a transitional period in my life that is only now drawing to a close. And as it does, I’m finding myself with a stronger foundation to reap the benefits of those changes.

Daily Life, Emotions, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Realization

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Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he’s not. And that bugs me. I don’t want to be desperate for a relationship. I don’t want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I’m okay with being single and stay there.

But it’s difficult. Right now, I’m going through this whole thing where I’m becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It’s difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I’m starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I’ve said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I’ve enjoyed it, it’s not entirely comfortable for me. It’s different. And there’s that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that’d be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who’s perfect for me, I’d ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can’t deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

Family, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Time with the parents

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I had a relatively good Easter. I made it home at around 5 yesterday evening. Mom made meatloaf for supper. That’s a meal I haven’t had in some time, and I certainly appreciated it last night. After supper, I took a four hour nap. Of course, that meant that when I got back up, I spent most of the night either watching a movie or chatting with people online. I didn’t get to bed until almost 7am. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in until 10am that morning.

I spent part of today playing around with RocWiki. I ended up creating a page on there for the POC, as well as doing some other minor editing. And I created my user profile page, of course. I’m starting to become enamored with the whole Wiki concept, to be honest with you.

Mom served the traditional Easter dinner with ham, potatoes, gravy, and stuffing at a little after two in the afternoon. Because I wanted to get home to take care of Precious (I left her here in Rochester as I didn’t want to stress her out with the traveling for an overnight trip) and do some other odds and ends, I left shortly after lunc. I did wait around long enough to get a cooler and a tupperware dish filled with a few hunks of ham, however.

Let me just say as an aside that I absolutely despise Easter. Not the holiday itself, but the fact that just about everything is closed all day because of the holiday. When I got home, I was in the mood to get out in the public for a while. So I decided to try running to a couple of the coffeehouses in the area to get a nice drink and do some writing. But alas, they were both closed. After the second one, I decided to just give up.

It’s a shame that everything was closed. One of the reasons that I went out was that I was really craving social interaction. Actually, going home for even twenty four hours drove home just how much I really am craving that right now. (Of course, the lengthy, deeply personal and somewhat discomforting IM conversation I had with Brian didn’t help that, either.) In some ways, I felt trapped there at my parents’ house.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents very much and I like spending time with them. But there’s a reason I left that area. It’s not a good place for a liberally-minded gay guy to try building friendship and build a social network. And going back there, even for an overnight visit, tends to remind me of that. Especially right now since I’m working on trying to break that lack of human interaction and learning to release the social butterfly that really does appear to be hiding somewhere inside of me.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the Wednesday night game night all the more. And I plan on getting out to do some writing on Tuesday, too.

Daily Life, Deep Thoughts, Emotions, Going Out, Introspection, Memories, Personal Development, Writing

Day in Review

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I lost my cell phone this morning. When I got to the customer site, I went to take it off my belt, only to find the belt clip was empty. I couldn’t do anything about it, so I prayed that I somehow left it at home (not really a possibility, given the belt clip was with me) and went in to work. After work, I decided to run right home to check. My neighbor came out the front door as I got out of my car. It turns out that I had lucked out. Apparently, I knocked the silly thing off while dusting the snow off my car this morning. My neighbor had come home at lunch and found it. So I thanked him profusely and hopped back into my car to head for Equal Grounds.

I almost went to Jitters here in Henrietta instead. As of yesterday, the POC started having our weekly Meet and Greets there, and I found it an incredibly enjoyable place. However, I decided I wanted the slightly more cozy atmosphere of my old haunt, so I made the drive to the South Wedge. While there, I wrote some erotica and the next chapter of Journey.

While there, a couple other patrons watched Hide and Seek. I glanced up from time to time to watch the giant screen (it was less than four feet from me) for a few seconds, but I mainly focused on the writing. From what I saw, it was a pretty bizarre movie, and I never expected the ending.

The new chapter in Journey is about my longest relationship. It was a strange one to write. I’m finding that as the events I’m writing about get closer and closer to the modern day, it’s a little harder to write. Of course, part of that is because the issues Ihave to write about are things I’m still working on in some sense. This became apparent as I wrote the last few paragraphs of this chapter. I realized that the end of that relationship was about realizing what I deserved and demanding it. That’s something I’m still working on right now, and the need to continue insisting on the kind of love, affection, and attention I both want and deserve is a lesson that’s getting driven home right now.

Introspection, Movies

Another example of why I’m the male Mary Poppins.

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While responding to a comment that Artharaja left me a couple days ago, I found myself reminded of a small exchange from the movie “Mary Poppins” that I’ve always loved. It’s a brief exchange between Mary and the children’s father which I believe comes shortly after the whole scene with the chimney sweeps. After the children run upstairs, the father begins to get quite agitated and demands that the nanny explain herself. After listening to him, Mary responds by saying, “Well, the first thing that you need to understand is that I never explain myself.” Upon uttering these words, she trots up the stairs after the children.

What makes this scene so great, and clearly demonstrates that Julie Andrews is an acting goddess, is the delivery of that single line. The first part of the statement (that which I didn’t italicize) is spoken with a calm, almost conciliatory tone. However, once the nanny begins the second portion of her statement (the italicized portion), her tone undergoes a transformation into something that clearly tells the father, “You may pay my salary, but do not make the mistake of thinking you’re my boss.” Mary’s entire response and the delivery of that response makes it clear that this is a subject that will tolerate no debate. It’s an attitude that I can completely appreciate in many situations.

Of course, Mary Poppins has the distinct advantage of living in a film world that caters to her every whim. The father must continue to sign her paychecks simply because the script says he must. Should I choose to take such an approach with my own employer, I could find myself collecting unemployment in the near future. And despite the fact that I am likely able to gain a great deal of leeway with my employer due to being a great employee, I have no delusions that I’m the superman that Mary Poppins is (diary name aside).

And yet, there are those areas in my life in which I can get away with such an attitude. A good number of my friends are willing to put up with a certain amount of obstinance on my part simply because they know that I’m a good friend. (Of course, it helps that I don’t abuse the privelege as a rule.) And in those social situations where such an attitude might cost me something, I’m in a position where I can actually choose to accept the loss. Like Mary, I can simply say my peace and walk away. The trick is making sure I’m prepared to walk away and can live with that choice.

Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Some things are better learned at a younger age

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One of the things that I’m realizing right now is just how little I know about building and maintaining a social life. A simple matter of getting tickets to a comedy show and finding someone to go with strikes me as intimidating. And yet, these are things that people do all the time.

But then, most people have been doing things like this since their youth. To me, this whole idea of getting out and having a fun night on the town is pretty new. And that’s a pretty disconcerting epiphany to have. In retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to do these kinds of things when I was younger.

Of course, growing up in rural Pennsylvania didn’t help that. For youth in my hometown, the options were pretty much limited to going to church events (which I did a fair share of, myself) or find the nearest drinking party. The latter was completely not me. I didn’t drink, and certainly didn’t believe in underage drinking. Besides, I had little in common with those holding such parties.

Some of the more fortunate individuals could possibly go to the Arnot Mall just across the state line. There, options including just hanging out at the mall, shopping, or catching a movie. Unfortunately, I didn’t have transportation, nor knew anyone who did. As a result, I had a substantially quiet life at home, spending most of my time in solitude.

In college, I was a bit more socially active. I had the friends from Acts 29 and InterVarsity. But even then, we tended to hang out in someone’s room. Occasionally, we might catch a movie as a group or run to one of the restaurants. Or we might even occasionally catch a play produced by the school’s drama department. But we didn’t spend a lot of time going out into the world.

After college, it was back to rural Pennsylvania. This time I had a car, and could go to the more populated areas about half an hour away. But at this point, I had no real close friends, and the idea of going to most events alone frightened me. And I certainly wasn’t aware of most events in the area.

So I find myself having to learn little things here in Rochester, like how to find out about local happenings. I know that there are shows and concerts of all kinds throughout the area, but I’m not entirely sure how to best “plug in” to hear about them in time. (This is probably one of the reasons I jumped on the Vickie Shaw thing so quickly.)

And then there’s the issue that I still don’t want to go to most things alone. Now, the good news there is that I have a handful of friends here. Providing they’re available, I can probably convince one of them to go to just about anything I’d be interested in checking out. But it’s a new mode of thinking that I’m going to have to get used to. And as I said in the beginning, I can’t help but feel like this is something most people learn to do at a younger age and find it much more natural than I do now. That’s a bit frustrating right now.

Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Taking a chance on having fun

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This afternoon, I received an email from the COAP mailing list. Apparently, the folks who run the ImageOut Film Festival have arranged for comedian Vickie Shaw to perform here in Rochester on April 20th. I’ve never heard of her before, but figured that I like to laugh, and a night out is always a good idea. So I ordered a couple of tickets.

You heard that right, I ordered two tickets. I decided that since I’m doing something as radical as actually developing a social life for myself, I might as well go all the way and even plan to invite someone to go with me. With any luck, one of my friends will be equally interested in an opportunity to get out and do something entertaining for an evening.

I have to admit, this is somewhat ambitious for me, and it has me feeling a bit weird. Normally, I’d wait until the last minute, hope I could still get a ticket, only get one, and go alone. But I realize that there’s an inherent problem with that modus operandi. The whole point of going to something like this is to have a good time. The way I do these things, I go with the anticipation that I won’t have a good time. What should be fun becomes a matter of obligation, and I end up only going through the motions. So I’m hoping that by getting the tickets somewhat in advance and anticipating finding someone to go with, I can set new expectations for myself. And hopefully, these new expectations will create a better quality of experience. Here’s to hoping.

Emotions, Gender and Sexuality, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality, Writing

Queer Year in Review

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Once again, I find myself looking at the calendar to find the words “April 1st” written in simple letters. And once again, I find myself thinking about the special significance those words have for me. For those who may be new to this blog or my life, those words mark the anniversary of the day I came out to myself and a very good friend. And while I stated last year that I’m not big on commemorating yearly anniversaries of “life-changing events,” I’ve decided that I will make note of this particular anniversary again this year. Perhaps my opinion on such commemorations is changing, and this will become a normal practice for me. Or perhaps this is just one more of a tiny number of exceptions to that attitude. In the end, it doesn’t matter. I simply feel called to write this post, and I will do so. I’ll worry about the implications some other day.

Part of the reason I feel particularly called to do this again this year is that this has been a year of changes for me, sexuality-wise. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m still a raging homo with an attitude. I sincerely doubt that will ever change. But over the past year, I think I’ve gone through some growth periods that will ultimately allow me to express my sexuality more freely and comfortably. So this anniversary post is about reviewing a few of those changes.

I think the most notable change came around my thirty-second birthday this past June. I spent the weekend hanging out at the psychic fair that the POC did. I spent both days ogling the cute guys that walked through and talking about them with a friend the entire time. Now, this isn’t entirely a new practice for me. However, it was the first time I’ve done so without trying to be a little discreet and worrying about whether the guys I’m checking out noticed. As this particular weekend went by, however, I became less and less concerned about anyone noticing. I got bolder, and probably more than a little out of control by the time the event was over. I remember one friend sat by me and commented that if I kept making some of the sounds (mostly a very interested “hmmm” sounds), people were going to realize what I was doing. In that moment, I realized that I really didn’t care if they did. I figured if some guy realized I was checking him out, he should feel flattered. And if he was really flattered, he should come over and say hi!

That same weekend, my attitudes about myself and my body started to change. I began to realize that I really was a good looking guy. I also realized that I needed to come to believe in myself as a sexually attractive man, despite my own hang-ups about my body-image. Since June, that’s been a highly common theme in my life, and I’ve found an increasing ability to look in the mirror and smile, knowing that there really is a good looking guy smiling back at me from that reflective surface.

Of course, my recent relationship, though terribly short-lived, also helped me in that realm. The young man I ended up getting involved with went through a great deal of effort to pursue me (though not as much effort as the next one may find necessary, as I’ve now found the bliss of being pursued) gave me the first inkling that yes, there really were guys out there who could also see my allure. And despite my sadness over how things went, that realization is something I continue to carry with me, and hopefully always will.

The other major change in my life has been Journey, of course. The past year has involved a germination process which ended in the site’s release just this past month. However, the idea for the book can probably be traced back to this past summer as well.

One of my greatest goals since coming out has been to encourage and help other gay and bisexual people in their own self-discovery and coming out process. It’s a goal that I first reached towards just a year or two after my own coming out when I wrote a moving essay encouraging others to accept themselves for who they are. To me, Journey is an extension of that same effort.

I originally started formally collecting notes for Journey and even writing a very rough draft back in October. I still have the journal I used, and have even referred to it to see if I missed anything when writing the pages for the site. Back then, I had planned on turning Journey into a book, which had no title. It wasn’t until events in March convinced me that a website was the preferred medium for the project.

Writing Journey has been a journey in itself. Indeed, it’s become part of the very journey I’m writing about, just a later part of the story. It’s given me many chances to look back at many of the struggles I’ve faced and wounds I’ve needed to heal and gauge my progress. In many cases, it has been exhilarating and shown me in concrete ways just how much I’ve healed in grown. In some cases, it’s served as a somewhat painful reminder of those areas where I still need to work. In the end, I find myself wondering who will benefit most from the project when all is said and done. Those I had in mind when starting it or myself?

As I sit here today, thinking about all of these things, I find myself filling with a peaceful contentment and glowing pride. While I never saw it during most of the past twelve months, I can consider these things and realize that I’ve done a lot of growing in the past year. But more importantly, I can see the next layer of foundation that I laid to continue that growth process over the coming year. So my contentment and pride are ultimately married with a sense of anticipation and excitement for the next stage of the journey. Is there a better position to be in than that?

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Writing

I feel many things, but exhausted isn’t one of them.

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I mentioned in my last post that my friend, Belinda, read Journey for the first time today. What I forgot to mention was the interesting question she asked me. After reading the page called “An Emotionally Immature Adult,” she turned to me and asked if I felt exhausted whenever I finished writing part of my story. She explained that she thinks she would be, given how intensely personal and moving it is.

To be honest, I feel many things when I write down the various parts of my story. I have to admit that after writing many sections (including the one she finished before asking that question), I often feel quite vulnerable and nervous. I feel like I’m ready for a break and need to do something else. But as of yet, I have yet to feel exhausted. If anything, I usually have quite the opposite reaction. I feel energized, and while I want to get away from the writing and give my heart and mind time to recover from the process, I definitely want to do something.

In many ways, being able to write my story has helped me to find another level of release. As I right each part, I know that I’ve put it “out there,” and am no longer carrying it around inside. And while it’s frightening because there are certain aspects of my life that I’m not sure how everyone will respond to, it also comes with a sense of freedom. No matter what happens, no matter how anyone chooses to react, what’s done is done. I’ve allowed my heart and my mind to speak their peace. And that’s far from exhausting. It’s actually rather rejuvenating.

Introspection

Rainy days are nice

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Despite being wet, today is a gorgeous day. The temperature is not only above freezing, but just warm enough to make wearing a light jacket comfortable. This is a good thing, as the steady rain calls for a vinyl jacket to keep myself dry. But the air is comfortable, just cool enough to remain invigorating.

The rain is a bit disappointing, however, as it interferes with my thoughts of going to one of the parks and walking around. I grimace at the thought of missing out on some much needed exercise. Checking the weather report, I take some comfort in the knowledge that tomorrow is supposed to be rain-free, if a little cloudy. Happily, the forecast is calling for even warmer temperatures tomorrow. So I set my plans for physical activity aside for the day and consider alternatives more fitting to the current conditions.

It’s the kind of day that makes me long for my parents’ home. It’s the kind of day where we might gather around the dining room table, talking or playing a game. It’s a peaceful scene, full of pleasant conversation and companionship. We might occasionally take a glance out the big picture window, watching the raindrops beat the ground. Despite the weather, I can imagine a squirrel or bird running about in the yard, looking for food. Whoever spots the soaked creature would likely point it out to the others, and we’d all share a moment of watching its antics before turning our attention back to our own activities in our dry haven.

The image in my mind shifts, and I see myself someplace with a fireplace. I sit in a chair next to it, either reading or working on my writing. The crackle of the fire offers background noise that is comforting and reassuring, as does the percussion of raindrops against a nearby window. Every few moments, I allow my thoughts to surface from the book or journal in front of me, listening to these sounds as my thoughts again settle and reorganize themselves. I might gaze into the fire as well, allowing the leaping flames to dance in my vision, suggesting images or patterns of thought. After a few moments of such reflection, I return to the pages before me, either to read what is written there or to fill them up with my own thoughts. And again, the day and my surroundings become the backdrop to the creative processes within.

As I said, even a rainy day can have its beauty. You just need to look at it in the right way.