Category Archives: Personal Development

Emotions, Gender and Sexuality, Memories, Personal Development

The power of memories

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Earlier tonight (before it became tomorrow), I took the time to write about the weekend I decided to come out and the emotional crisis that led up to it. It surprised me how easily much of the emotion I felt that weekend came back to me. In some ways, writing about it meant reliving it, and it was a strange experience.

Of course, this time around, the feelings weren’t nearly as strong. Instead, they were more a ghost of events and feelings long gone. Back then, I was afraid that all of the feelings were going to consume and destroy me. Tonight, the worst they will do is chase a smile from my face until I get some much needed sleep.

And in some way, I find the return of these emotions comforting. Not because I have any desire to return to the constant torment I felt back then, but because it means that I’m still connected to that person I was. I can still identify so completely with my past that I can draw on it for strength, insight, an even wisdom without becoming lost in it or controlled by it. And that is a wonderful feeling.

I’m beginning to realize that this writing project is meant to serve a dual purpose. So far, I’ve been focused on how it might help others who are going through many of the same things — or even just similar things — that I did. But now I also see that it’s also a chance for me to again connect to my past, understand how it led me to the presence, and discover just how I’ve grown from it all. And perhaps that’s something I need right now, too.

Going Out, Online Life, Personal Development, Writing

I’m getting a laptop

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I’ve decided that I’m going to run to Best Buy after work tomorrow. The plan? To spend part of my tax refund and buy a laptop computer. It’s occurred to me that I’d really like to have one. I often like to go to places like Equal Grounds and Spot Coffee to hang out and relax. And it seems to me that it would be nice to be able to work on my writing projects, including my online projects, while relaxing at places like them.

Granted, I already often take my journals there and write by hand. But having a laptop would allow me to type things up directly. And in cases where I’m at someplace that offers a wireless Internet connection, I can even directly upload my content while I’m there.

This is a great solution to one of the problems I’m currently facing. I want to get out more often, an create opportunities for socializing. And yet, I have a number of writing projects I want to keep up with. Getting a laptop will hopefully enable me to combine the two in a creative way. And perhaps my writing in public will occasionally help generate conversation.

Emotions, Gender and Sexuality, Personal Development

Coming out is not a panacea

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The other evening, a friend and I got into a discussion about coming out. He remarked that he had met a number of older gay men who seemed to be of the opinion that coming out makes all of the struggles with one’s gayness disappear, or at least become insignificant. He told me that this attitude bothered him, because he didn’t feel that was the case at all. Listening to him, I found myself agreeing with his point of view wholeheartedly. Indeed, I found the claims made by these older gay men (and bear in mind that these “older men” actually fall in my age range) to be astonishing and completely unhelpful. I emphatically told my friend that I felt the attitude these men had expressed was complete garbage.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think there are a great number of benefits to coming out when a person is ready to do so. (I also think that coming out is a process that involves degrees and situations rather than an all or nothing thing, but that’s probably best left for another post.) Coming out to myself, ending the denial, and allowing myself to be the person I knew was inside of me has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself. And allowing myself to share that person with those people in my life that were important to me allowed me to save a lot of time and energy that I would have otherwise wasted by trying to hide who I am and worrying about what might happen if anyone ever found out my secret. And I suspect that my friend with whom I had this conversation would agree with everything I’ve just said.

But to say that all problems surrounding one’s sexual orientation will fade away once one comes out just isn’t realistic. In fact it’s a lie, and one that could deeply hurt someone who doesn’t feel this fictional release of all troubles upon coming out. And to me, spreading such a hurtful lie to another person is reprehensible.

Truth be told, as wonderful as the coming out process is, it’s only the beginning of a larger process. And for many of us, that beginning is the equivalent of opening floodgates and letting out a whole world of hurt and confusion we need to deal with. I can look at my own coming out experience that took place almost eleven years ago and the rough road it started me down, and the very lie of these older men’s claims makes me wince.

Coming out means coming to terms with who we are and allowing other people to see who we are. In many cases, the whole reason we need to come out is because we’ve been denying or repressing who we are — often for years. That takes its toll on a person, and quite often, coming out also requires us to face the results of those years. It’s one thing to accept who we are, but it’s completely different thing to come to love who we are. Sometimes, it means rebuilding our self-perception from scratch. Sometimes, it means learning that we really are deserving of love. Sometimes, it means struggling to live in an adult world while having the emotional maturity of a young teenager. Sometimes, it means coming to terms with an unconscious mind that only found it possible to express your sexual feelings through violent dreams and fantasies. The list is potentially endless.

Perhaps some people really do have less emotional and identity issues to work through after coming out. Perhaps they never denied or repressed their feelings as totally as others of us. Or perhaps they really can heal instantly. But not all of us are like it. To us, facing and admitting our sexual orientation — whether to ourselves or to others — is merely the beginning of the next stage of a difficult journey, not the end of one.

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality

Sexual Self-discovery

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I think one of the truly frustrating things I’ve had to face over the past several days is the realization that as far as my journey of sexual self-discovery has come, I still have further to go. Worse, I’ve discovered that some of the lessons in that respect were not as well learned as I would like to think. I find myself looking at a refresher course.

One of the more painful lessons was that I need a certain amount of security and safety built up to truly express myself sexually and feel comfortable with sharing that part of myself with another person. This isn’t exactly news to me, as I’ve always known it on one level or another. But the past several days have reinforced that truth, and reminded me of some of the costs that can result from allowing myself to ignore it. And while I certainly wouldn’t change any of the mistakes I’ve made recently, I can honestly look at them and acknowledge them as mistakes.

As I sit here and think about this, I find myself considering the various reasons why I took things too fast. After all, there are more than one, each influencing my decision-making process. Some are quite simple, such as the fact that at the time, things just seemed to be too right not to make the choices I did. Then there’s the fact that the past nine months have involved a process in which I’ve been rediscovering just what it means to me to be a sexual person — the person that I am. So when the opportunity to explore that more experientially, it only made sense to do so.

But it also reminded me that I need to be the person I am — even the sexual person I am — on my terms. I need to first create an environment and a relationship in which I’m comfortable exploring. I forsook building up to that place of comfort and raced ahead because it seemed like the right thing to do. And as a result, I’ve been reminded of why I shouldn’t do that.

Hopefully, I remember and exercise better judgement the next time I find myself faced with such choices.

Emotions, Grief, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Stronger than I thought

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In a previous post, I mentioned briefly that I was going on a coffee date. I haven’t said much more about the experience, which was good, or the subsequent dates I had, which were also good. Originally, I didn’t want to right much, as I felt it was more appropriate to see how things went before getting too talkative about it. And then as things progressed, I felt that I needed to spend some time with the young man I was dating talking about everything. It was important to talk to him long before I talked about him or our experiences together.

Unfortunately, things did not work out between us as I had originally hoped. This was particularly complicated by the fact that each of us made some rash choices about our time together, resulting in a lot of hurt for both of us. We’ve spent a fair amount of time over the past several days talking about what happened, how we each felt, and just life in general. The end result is that we’ve decided to just be friends, and I’m very hopeful we end up developing a strong, lasting friendship as a result.

As I sit here and think about the past week and the future, I find myself experiencing a myriad of emotions. I’d say that chief among those emotions is disappointment and a bit of longing. To be honest, making the choice of not pursuing the relationship in favor of developing a friendship was not an easy one to make. There’s a part of me that longs for more, no matter how strongly I know that this is the right choice. Indeed, I found myself wondering how I’d feel when I saw him again. I found myself doubtful of whether I could spend time with him without it tearing me up inside.

I’m both pleased and relieved to say that those doubts were unfounded. Recently, I had the opportunity to spend four hours with him. And while I won’t deny that there was the occasional pang during our time together, it was well worth it. Conversation simply flowed. Not the kind of superficial conversation that feels mechanical or forced, but deep and honest communication. We shared an openness with one another that was beautiful and precious. And I have to admit that I find myself looking forward to another experience like that.

As I’ve thought about our recent time together, I found myself asking the same question again and again: When did I get this strong? How did I get this strong? I remember being the person who would fall completely apart at the first sign of emotional let-down and take weeks, months, or even years to recover. And here I am today, fresh from a breakup, ready to take it all in stride. I’m even looking forward to a friendship, despite the fact that part of me would still like more than friendship. And ultimately, I don’t feel it’s that big of a deal. And in many ways, that truly astonishes me. Because I don’t remember becoming the kind of person who could feel that way.

Emotions, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Painful realizations

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I’ve always hated making mistakes. In fact, the fact the ability and tendency to make mistakes is one of the few things that drive me batty about the human condition. Fortunately, I’ve slowly learned to accept that aspect of my own humanity, and I can usually avoid excessive self-flagellation when I goof up.

What still bothers me, however, is when I make a mistake, only to realize it’s a mistake I’ve made in the past (or at least similar enough to one that I should’ve realized it was a mistake). It’s one thing to make a mistake due to lack of experience. It’s another thing to make a mistake despite experience. It’s even worse when deep down, I know I made the mistake against my better judgement. I let other factors override my judgement, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems that some lessons need to be repeated. Hopefully, I do better on the next test.

Introspection, Memories, Personal Development, Writing

I feel like a writer

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I’ve been keeping a copy of Harald’s Story in a Word document. Tonight, I printed out a copy of it so I could share it with a couple of local friends. I’m amazed at how long it’s getting. It already spilled onto page eighteen, and the hero and his associates haven’t even set sail yet.

Of course, I also have to admit that I’m a bit nervous. I have no only the vaguest idea of how the story is going to proceed once Harald and company set sail. So I currently feel like I’m glibly writing my way off the edge of a cliff, so to speak. But I do take some comfort in the knowledge that when I originally started thinking about the story, I only had the first couple scenes planned and a very basic premise for the rest of the story. And since I’ve started writing, I’ve already developed that kernel into the seven “chapters” I’ve written so far, and I have a good grasp of the contents of at least three more chapters. So hopefully, the rest will come as I progress just like the current material has slowly developed.

But more importantly, I’ve rediscovered my love of writing fiction. I haven’t felt this excited about a story I was working on since I tried to work on the series of stories surrounding my characters Keylar and Amira. That was back just before Zech and I broke up (the break up that influenced my choice to abandon that story). Here I am, eight years later, and I’m feeling quite accomplished. Who knows, maybe I’ll eventually be able to “rediscover” Keylar’s story and return to it. I’ve always felt sad that I could never get myself back to a point where I could continue it. But in the meantime, I’m happy with my current project. Here’s to hoping things continue to go in such a positive direction.

Paganism, Personal Development, Religion, Tarot

Tarot Musings: Eight of Disks

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Deck: Tarot of Transformation
Card: Eight of Disks
Keyphrase: Skillful Perseverance

A lone woman, dressed in a long, simple dress, stands with her back to us in the lower right quadrant of the card. Her eyes are fixed on a point near the center of the distant horizon. There is no path before her, merely a broad, rolling landscape. The sun shines overhead just above her distant destination, and birds circle around it. A spiral pattern ? suggesting air currents ? flows from the foreground around and towards the glowing orb in the sky. To the left of the woman stands a transparent image of an antlered beast, possibly a moose.

This card calls us to keep moving forward in our journey. Though there may be no apparent path before us, we know our destination and the direction in which it lies. So it is up to us to begin walking towards it as best we can, taking comfort that our path will become more clear as we continue our quest. Indeed, quite often, the first stage in a journey is to find the path that will guide us in the rest of the journey.

However, this card reminds us that we are not left completely alone in this stage of the journey. Even without a true path, there will be those small cues that will help us find our way and make course adjustments as necessary. One merely needs to open oneself up to sensing the ?currents in the air? which will beckon us on. Or perhaps we will get more tangible clues, like the birds who follow the currents. Or perhaps even a guide ? such as the animal totem in the picture ? will show up to offer us guidance. We merely need to keep striving for our goals with an open mind and an open heart. After all, perseverance and openness are always rewarded when the time is right.

Paganism, Personal Development, Religion, Tarot

Tarot Musings: Seven of Pentacles

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Deck: Robin Wood Tarot
Card: Seven of Pentacles

A young man, perhaps in his late twenties or thirties, stands in the middle ofthe card so that his upper body is visible. His hands rest ato one another, the fingers of his lefthand slightly curved downwards. The end of a handle — perhaps to a shovel or a hoe — pokes into the center of his left palm. He wears thick gloves and a canvas jacket, the perfect attire for yardwork or gardening. He also wears a grey hat with a brim and a green kerchief tied around his neck, the latter being reminiscent of a boy scout uniform.

Around him are numerous leafy plants, some of which are taller than him. The pentacles rest in the leaves of these plants, sugesting they grew from them. A partly cloudy sky overhead completes this idyllic scene, creating the perfect spot for the figure’s quiet musings.

This card speaks of the relationship between effort and success. It reminds us that our projects are most successful and rewarding when we immerse ourselves in our work and lose ourselves in the process. The figure beckons us to find true enjoyment in the process as he has.

His stance also reminds us that there is no race. Great outcomes require us to lean to work through things and cultivate them over time and at an appropriate pace. The growth of green things cannot be rushed, nor can many other goals we may choose to work towards.

The kerchief suggests learning and kowledge of the ways of cultivation. In this respect, this card also reminds us to consult the sources of wisdom — whether that wisdom comes from ourselves or others — that will aid us in our work. Also, this card calls us to further develop that wisdom within ourselves as we proceed, as there’s always ways for even a master to improve.

It is only by doing these things that our efforts can be as rewarding and fruitful as possible.