This post was inspired by Question #23 from this list.
Despite the fact that I don'[t really put much stock into the four elements when it comes to my rituals or magical workings, it is very clear to me which element I most strongly relate to and feel drawn to. That is the element of water.
To me, water is about adaptability. It flows and shapes itself to fit into and fill whatever surrounds it. And yet,when it gets moving, it can also be a force to contend with, wearing away at sand and soil. Bowling over anything that is not sufficiently anchored to withstand its flow.
When I think of water, I think of the depths of the ocean, the deep dark places that have not been fully explored and may still hold secrets and treasures. They beckon to me much like the underworld beckons my journeying soul, and much for the same reason.
Water is often associated with both spirit and emotion and both of those aspects of myself are quite dominant in my overall personality as well. Water reminds me of the deep well of feeling that I can draw upon within my own soul, yet reminds me to take care lest I drown there. Water is about exploring and daring and risking. Water is about taking the plunge into the unknown, both in our own psyches and the world around us.
The other day, I was listening to the radio while driving, and “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith came on. I absolutely love that song and want to include it here. So thanks to YouTube, enjoy a nice rendition with lyrics, no less:
I actually have an emotional history associated with this song. The song was quite popular on the radio back in 1998, thanks to Armageddon. At the time, I was also involved with a young man name Zech. It was actually my first relationship, providing you don’t count the friend I experimented with in high school. The song meant a lot to me back then. Every time I heard it, I thought of Zech.
The other day when I heard the same song, it made me think of another guy. I’ll call this guy D (until he tells me he’s ready for me to talk about him by name. D and I have been talking, hanging out, and otherwise enjoying each other’s company. We’re not actually dating, though I hope that changes some day in the not-too-distant future.
What I find interesting is that while similar, the reaction the song evokes in me regarding D now and the reaction I had back when I was involved with Zech. In both cases, the theme of the song — the desire to be with that special someone as much as possible — resonated deeply with me. However, the emotional undercurrents are worlds apart.
As I mentioned, Zech was my first boyfriend (though come to think of it, we never officially dated). We were both young and immature, and I was only recently out (I had only finally accepted my sexuality two years earlier). This meant that I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil, and tended to cling to Zech in a sense of desperation. And that desperation came through back then as I’d listen to the song. I didn’t want to miss a thing, because I was terrified that things would end. Part of me wanted to squeeze as much out of the relationship before the horrible ending came, and part of me foolishly believed that simply by being ever-present, ever-vigilant, and ever-suffocating, I could actually prevent the horrible ending from coming.
I’ve grown up a great deal in the intervening twelve years, and I now listen to that song again with a new guy in mind. And once again, I find myself nodding along with the song. But rather than a nagging sense of desperation, my heart is filled with a sense of peace and contentment.
The funny thing is, there area few parallels. There’s no guarantee that things will work out between D and I. (Is there ever really any such guarantee?) I don’t know how long I have with him or even if we’ll ever become a couple like I’m hoping for. I think it’s likely though.
But in the end, it doesn’t matter. I have this time now, and I want to make the most of it. Not out of fear or desperation, but out of hope and joy.
People often talk about how music can evoke powerful emotions and we can associate specific memories and feelings with a song. However, I sometimes think that people forget that new connections and associations can be made with old songs that replace or overpower the old ones. I know from personal experience that this is true, because I enjoy “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” far more today than I did back in 1998.
In fact, I think I’m going to go listen to it again.
The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.
