Wow, ten years….

Earlier this morning, I realized that it was April 1. I then realized that it was April 1, 2006. That’s exactly ten years after April 1, 1996. For those who might not be aware of it, April 1, 1996 was the day that I quit trying to “fix” my sexuality, and came out to both myself and my friend Merion. That means that as of about 8pm this evening, I have been “out” for ten years. So happy anniversary to me!

I’m not big on commemorating “life changing moments” every year. But for some reason, remembering my tenth coming out anniversary struck me as important today, so I thought I’d say a few things about it.

First of all, let me just reiterate that if you’re about to come out to your best friend and you find yourself prefacing your announcement with the phrase, “Please bear in mind this isn’t an April Fool’s joke,” you’ve probably chosen a bad day to come out. It’s something that Merion and I have joked about every so often for the past ten years.

I remember that night with some amazing details. I remember meeting Merion in the small alcove where our Small Group Bible Study (the one I was helping to lead and that Merion used to attend) met on Wednesday night. My stomach was all in knots and I think I was visibly shaking. It took me several long moments of hesitation to get the words out. I had a certain feeling like this was it. Once I took this step, there was no going back. And it’s hard to jump off the proverbial cliff like that. Ultimately, I’m glad I did and I’ve hardly looked back since, but my perspective was quite different back then.

Merion was momentarily stunned. I’m not sure whether she wasn’t expecting it (if so, she may well be the only person who hadn’t at least suspected something was up by then) or if she was just so surprised that I decided to tell her. She did tell me she was honored that I told her, which I sort of understand all of these years later. To me, it only made sense at the time. After all, she had come out to me the previous year.

I think that part of the reason thinking back to this event ten years ago is that it was my first “big change.” Considering the number of changes I’ve been through in the last ten years — including several changes in the past year — thinking back to the event that “got the ball rolling,” seems appropriate. I mean, on March 31, 1996, I was a “straight” (okay, that’s not entirely true, but that’s another complicated topic) evangelical Christian with highly conservative political leanings. The next day, I officially took the first step towards becoming the person I am today, a gay witch with a mostly left-leaning political outlook. Had you asked me back then if I ever thought I’d be where I am today, I think I would’ve laughed. Maybe even offended.

Isn’t life strange?

Cute waiters and other minutia

Sunday, I ended up going over to the POC again. Originally, I figured I’d just stop by for a bit of “face time” and then leave after a few minutes. Well, as it turns out, I ended up staying for quite a while. They were sanding furniture to get it ready to be repainted. I’m not big on sanding and it’s certainly not one of my strong points, but I decided to stick around and help out a little. After all, it meant being social and hanging out with other people. I’ve wanted a lot of that lately. And it was fun.

After working, a group of us decided to go out to supper together. We went to Denny’s and had quite a good time. Of course, once again, I decided that I really wanted to skip the food and just take our server to go. His name was Jason. He must’ve been in his mid-twenties and let me just say that he was fine. Both of the women I was with agreed that my taste was impeccable. In fact, they pestered me about asking him for his phone number. I decided against it.

It was a tempting thought, if I could’ve ever gotten up the nerve to do it. I don’t know, I’m still too afraid of rejection to ask a perfect stranger for his phone number or if he’d like to go out sometime. Of course, I also just feel I’m not ready to date someone. I realized the other day that there are just some things about my self-perception I need to change. Otherwise, I run the risk of expecting any boyfriend I have to make up for those issues, and that’s not right. I’ll probably write more about that sometime.

At any rate, it was a good day.

Finding good neighbors at the Village Gate

The last few months, I’ve been involved with starting up a Pagan Outreach Center. Today, we started to set up the office space we’re renting at Village Gate Square. A couple of us made trips to the various homes of people who offered furniture and other items to furnish the office.

One of the things I learned today while helping move heavy furniture is that contrary to what we sometimes think, there are still perfect strangers willing to lend a helping hand. While another volunteer and I were unloading a large and rather heavy display case from the truck, another delivery man walked over and helped us get it unloaded. Then as we were rolling it through the building on our way towards the elevator, we had to go through a closed door. As we were halfway through the door, a shopper passing by offered to hold the door for us to make our job a little easier.

Finally, a shopkeeper near the elevator saw our slow progress. We were moving the display case using a couple of old rollers off a printing press (a moving trick I learned from my father, who actually services such machines). It’s a workable solution — and certainly easier on the back than trying to carry such a heavy piece of furniture — but it makes for slow progress, as you have to stick a roller back under the front of the item you’re moving every six to ten feet. As we went by the one shop, the proprietor saw us and offered us the use of his cart. This more than tripled the speed at which we could finish the move, and both of us were quite thankful.

Each of these events reminded me that our society isn’t quite as filled with the self-absorbed and unhelpful individuals as we sometimes think. In a moment like this, there still are those people who are willing to offer a helping hand like the good neighbor we all wish we had. And it gave me a smile.

Of course, I immediately suggested that we send a thank you card to the shop-owner. (I’d love to send one to the other two a card too, but I have no idea who they were or how to find them again.) It seems that the right thing to do is for us to show that we can be good neighbors and properly show our appreciation for our “neighbor’s” kindness.

This experience certainly has made me feel pretty good about our choice to set up shop at the Village Gate. If everyone there is as friendly and community minded as the people I met today, it should be a great environment. And you can never have too many friends.

Witches Weekly — Curses

I decided I really needed to post a blog entry tonight. I’ve been way too quiet. I also decided to check out The Witches Weekly, and discovered some interesting question. I’m not answering all of them, but I figured I’d put out a few thoughts on some of them.

Is it possible to curse someone?

Absolutely. In fact, I feel quite strongly about this. The belief that magic can be used for harmful purposes is something I consider essential to witchcraft. As the saying goes, “if you cannot harm, you cannot heal.” A belief that magic will only be beneficial is antithetical to the the dual pillars of self-empowerment and personal responsibility that support most of magical philosophy and witchcraft in particular.

How often do you think it happens?

I’m sure I can’t even begin to quantify this in any meaningful way. I think it happens more often than the “white light brigade” would have the world believe. But at the same time, I think that working effective magic is hard work, more hard work than most people (including myself some days) have the discipline to follow through with. Truth be told, people expect it to be easy: a matter of saying a pithy phrase, using the right color candle, and/or the right herbs. As such, I also think it’s less common (at least in our society, we won’t talk about other societies where magical practices might get more disciplined attentn) than the average “scary evil witch” would like everyone to think, too.

What would make you believe that someone was working magic against you, and how would you handle the situation?

In order for me to suspect such a thing, I’d have to experience a concerted string of misfortunes that either have no “rational” explanation or are just too amazing to be considered coincidental. Even then, I’d have to do some thinking, some divination, and possibly even ask for the insight and advice of a trusted other party. Personally, I just have a hard time imagining there are people out there that’d hate me enough to go through the effort required to do that sort of thing.

As for how I’d handle the situation if I found out someone was working magic against me, it really depends on the situation and the numerous factors involved.

Finding a new home for religious discussions

The powers that be over at the Paintball Review Forums decided to permanently remove the Religion and Philosophy forum. (They also axed the World Politics forum, but I tended to stay out of there as a rule, and don’t mind it’s disappearance.) I have to admit that I’m a bit saddened by this. While I certainly respect PBR administration’s right to make this decision — and even admit that they probably thought long and hard before making the decision — I can’t think about the handful of awesome, respectful, and insightful posters there. I’m going to miss that.

Anyone who has spent any time at any sort of religious forums quickly discover that creating an atmosphere that attacts and keeps the kind of discourses people can truly enjoy are few and far between. So when you find such a place, you tend to latch on to it. Oh, don’t get me wrong. The R/P forum at PBR had its problems But compared to a lot of places, it really managed to rise above the “noise” and get some great discussions going.

The only other forum that I can think of that might come close to that is the CPPA Forums. Unfortunately, it’s a forum that tends to focus on Christianity and it’s promotion — and rightfully so. That means that I can’t be quite as open and forthright as I felt I could be at PBR. So I guess I’ll need to start looking for a new place.

A new perspective on paid Pagan clergy

This evening, I was catching up on reading my favorite blogs. During this process, I ran across a post by Stacey (not to be confused with The Sentinel/Stace) in which she talks about what she terms “the pastor disconnect.” In it, she discusses the dismay that ministers experience when they realize how much time they spend doing administrative work for the church compared to the amount of time that they spend doing “ministry” — all of the stuff that they anticipated when feeling “the call.”

As I read Stacey’s thoughts, I could’t help but think how it relates to my feelings on Pagan clergy. As I’ve made it clear in the past, I’m not a huge fan of the concept. But as I read about “the pastor disconnect,” I found a new perspective from which to dislike the whole idea. As I read Stacey describe what new ministers go through when they realize how administrative their job is and how that’s not what they were expecting at all, I couldn’t help but thinking of someone like my friend Jasmin (or myself) eventually having a similar experience as a Pagan minister. After all, most people I know who are interested in becoming paid Pagan clergy want to do so because they want to help others grow spiritually and otherwise. So as the infrastructure to support such an effort grows, I can see these people becoming disillusioned by the increasing amount of administrative work that they’d have to do in order to keep the infrastructure running smoothly. Just like the Christian ministers that crash and burn because of this, I can easily see this becoming a huge issue for many would-be Pagan ministers — maybe more so, as we Pagans tend to be quite free-wheeling and often seem to dislike any structure that gets “too complicated” anyway.

I don’t know. Maybe paid clergy would still work out in the Pagan community. Maybe those who felt called would somehow manage to make it through it, just like so many Christian ministers do. Personally, though, I can’t help but feel there has to be a better way. I don’t know what it is. (My initial reaction would be to suggest getting people who like to do administrative stuff and pay them to do only that while the “ministers” like Jasmin do the stuff they’re strong at. But I know churches that in theory try to do that, too. And it just doesn’t work out.) Hopefully someone will figure it out.

Personally, though, if I ever decide to start doing any sort of “ministering,” I still think I’d rather do it as some sort of professional counselor rather than as a paid head of a Pagan church. In the end, I just think it’d be a more workable solution for me.

Returning from the dark

I realize it’s been a while since I posted anything. To be honest, life has been a bit crazy, recently. My project at work has hit a critical point, and I’ve been putting a lot of time and energy into sorting through some difficulties we’re having. In fact, in about half an hour, I need to leave to spend a few hours at work this morning. Yes, I have to go into work on a Saturday. But I refuse to pity myself over this.

Needless to say, by the time I get home, I just don’t have the mental capacity or motivation to sit down and write. I certainly don’t have the capacity to write something interesting or witty, which is something I still feel I need to work towards whenever I write. I hate to feel like I’m writing something that no one — not even me — will ever want to read.

However, my life hasn’t been devoid of all things non-work. I did manage to get a few odds and ends done around here. This past Wednesday, I took a two hour class in bead-making. The class used Italian glass and a propane-oxygen torch. Amazingly, I made it through both hours without burning myself a single time. Being the clumsy person I am, that’s saying something. It was an interesting experience, and I think I kind of like bead-making. The instructor was quite pleased with many of us. She said that some of us (including me, apparently) were already showing a certain level of control in the process (learning where to hold the bead in relation to the flame so that the glass is malleable but not flowing uncontrollably is a bit of a trick) that usually takes several hours of practice to develop. This afternoon, I’m going back to the studio to pick up my beads. I’m anxious to see how they turned out. Maybe I’ll even post pictures.

I enjoyed the experience enough that I’m seriously considering signing up for the next class and participating in a few of the “Open Torch” classes. Open torch is actually more of a lab where you get three hours with a torch to work on your own at your own pace. These sessions are good for experimenting more and improving technique. Also, my mother’s interesting in giving it a try, so I’ll probably end up taking the intro course with her again in a couple months.

I also had a bit of a personal conquest here on my MT blog. I have MT configured on this site so that I can set up blogs on multiple subdomains. This means that the CGI scripts are set up in the main domain. Well, due to Internet Explorer’s attempts at security, the Typekey comment validation system wasn’t quite work right. Basically, people could sign in with their Typekey account, but the comment page would never show them as logged in. All SixApart offers as a solution for this problem is instructions on how to set up IE to get around the problem.

Now, I’m a stickler about certain things. I’m strongly opposed to the idea of asking readers to adjust their web browser’s settings — especially their security settings — to make my web page work correctly. So I did a bit of research, studied the MT code, and found a workable hack to fix the problem on my end. So now, if you’re using IE and choose to use Typekey to comment, everything works beautifully.

As an aside, I highly recommend using typekey. For starters, it’s free. Also, by using it, I can make you a “known good commenter,” which means that your comments will never end up in the junk comment bin by mistake. (So far, I’ve never had that problem, but I’ve heard of other MT users finding “real” comments in the junk filter enough to be concerned about it.) Plus there’s also the handy fact that if you use Typekey, I can actually view all of your comments on a single page. I like that kind of functionality.

So that’s my life in a nutshell. Maybe I’ll have more to write later this weekend. After all, I am going to a psychic faire this afternoon (weather permitting).

Grumpy Single Guy Woes

Today is January 25. It’s Mike’s 30th birthday. I have to admit that some petty portion of me would love to write him an email or text message saying something to the effect of, “Congratulations, you are now thirty and single, and it’s all because of your own bad choices.” I’m not proud of wanting to be so snotty and petty, but I don’t want to deny it either.

To be honest, I have to admit that a small part of me had kind of hoped that he would come to his senses as today rushed in. I had hoped that the sense of getting older would make him realize everything that is slipping (or has slipped) through his fingers, and make a miraculous turnaround. I guess that’s why I haven’t pushed to find someone else. I knew I was still feeling like this. And even though I intellectually know that irrational part of my heart is holding out for something that will probably never happen, I also know that I wouldn’t have been able to give a try at happiness with someone else a fair shot while holding on to that hope. So how does one give up hope.

I have to admit that there were a couple of cute guys at last night’s meetup. I’m pretty sure they were both gay, and they seemed great. Too bad they also seemed to be involved with each other. Figures that the truly cute ones are already together. Oh well, they were probably a bit too young for me anyways. If I was to venture a guess, I’d say they were RIT students. Me with a college guy…as fun as it sounds, I just don’t tthink it would work.

But on the bright side, it’s a step in the right direction. I’m getting out and meeting people. And I’ve seen that I really can meet someone. Who cares if they were already taken? Maybe the next one won’t be. Only time will tell. And at least I’m meeting people and expanding my possibilities.

But damn, I’m still grumpy.

Changing gears in the realm of reading

I suppose as the month of January is almost half over, it would prudent of me to post a first blog entry for January 2006. I know it’s been over a month since I posted anything, for which I apologize. December was a difficult month for me on a personal level. Part of that was due to craziness at work. Another part was due to the fact that it was my first Christmas alone after ending a long term relationship with a man I truly loved.

Another part was that my main focus in the past few entries, a series of entries reviewing Catherine Sanders’ book titled Wicca’s Charm: Understanding the Spiritual Hunger Behind the Rise of Modern Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality, has hit a bit of a roadblock. I won’t get into too many details at this point, as I would rather cover them in future entries in that series (assuming I ever “pick up the trail” again). However, suffice it to say that I’m struggling with Sanders’s incomplete research and tendency to focus almost entirely on the most superficial aspects of the Pagan movement. (Also, her chapter covering the “history of Wicca” is full of the same misconceptions, straw men, and other flaws as most treatments of the subject, and that’s something I’m getting tired of even trying to address.) So I’ve decided to put that process on hold.

However, I recently obtained another book which I’d like to cover in my blog. This one is by Robin Wood, a artist that is fairly well known in the Sci-Fi communities and probably most famous in the Pagan and Occult community for her tarot deck. (It’s certainly one of my favorite decks.) However, the book I’ve just finished reading is her less known introduction to “Wiccan” ethics, When, Why … If. It’s a relatively small book, being about 175 pages long without the appendix, glossary, and recommended reading list, so it makes a relatively quick read. Of course, you could spend a good bit of time thinking about what she has written, and Ms. Wood includes a number of “exercises” at the end of each chapter to encourage exactly that.

I will start out to say that this is by no means an exhaustive and complete discussion of ethics, Wiccan or otherwise. But then, that’s not what the author set out to do. She makes it quite clear in the introduction that her intent was to write a book to start the Seeker out on thinking about what it means to live an ethical life, and I think she more or less achieves that goal. I particularly like the fact that the first topic she covers in the book is the topic of honesty. Ms. Wood posits that it’s only when we learn to be honest with ourselves that we can truly begin to live ethically. If we continue to make excuses for our behavior, rationalize a poor decision, or even beat ourselves up for a poor decision rather than doing what we can to rectify things and learn from our mistakes, then we will continue to be lost.

The rest of the chapters cover such topics as love, helping others, harming others (or more accurately, avoiding harming others), sex, and the difference between wanting and willing. Each of these topics are covered quite well (though I still get the impression that like many “eclectic Wiccans,” Ms. Wood falls prey to forgetting that the Wiccan Rede has six other words besides “harm none” and that those words and their arrangement bear consideration). There was very little I could disagree with.

My issue with the book falls more to the fact of what was missing. Personally, I think that any book on Wiccan ethics should include solid discussion on beauty, strength, power, compassion, honor, humility, mirth, and reverance. After all, these are the very values that the Goddess of Wicca herself calls for after telling her adherents that all acts of love and pleasure are her rituals. The author covers a good number of these virtues implicitly in her book, but it seems to me that a more explicit and substantial exploration would be in order. One can only hope that Ms. Wood or another author will consider doing so in a follow-up book.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.