Someone should help him before he hurts himself — or others

Sometime last week, I ran across this entry by a young Christian blogger. I decided to leave him a comment, though I get the impression he completely missed my point. I left him a second comment, hoping that maybe it’ll clarify what I’m getting at.

Now, I’m going to set aside my personal feelings about his theology for the moment. I’m going to set aside the natural defensiveness some part of me feels over his comments about my religious practices. After all, at least on an “intellectual level,” I can respect his right to hold his opinions on these things. I can even respect his right to express those opinions.

But at the same time, I can only feel that this is a young man without any practical direction, and that spells disaster in my mind. In all of his statements, I don’t see even the slightest hint of a sense of how he’s going to go about living a more “visible” relationship for God. Well, at least not beyond spouting off catchphrases and buzzwords like a motivational speaker.

Of course, part of me wonders if that’s not part of the problem. I find myself wondering if he’s been to one too many “revival meetings” of a certain sort. You know, those meetings where someone stands in front of a crowd, gives a number of compelling speeches designed specifically to stir everyone’s emotions and get them “worked up for Jesus,” but then leave their “revived” people to wonder what happened once the emotional high is over and real life set in. All because while said speaker(s) got them all worked up, they didn’t do a very good job of keeping things going. (And let’s face it, there’s only so long you can keep an emotional high going. It’s one reason churches don’t have “revival meetings” every Sunday.)

What really worries me — and what should worry all Christians out there — is what kind of bridges this young man might burn in his current state. He’s so hyped up that he almost seems to be looking for a “glorious confrontation.” (Read his other two entries and you’ll see more of what I’m talking about.) And while that sounds great in theory, it’s a pretty good way of making some enemies. And you know, it’s rather difficult to share any message, let alone the gospel message, with an enemy.

And as much as it bugs me, I have to admit that we witches and Pagans tend to be grudge-holders. We tend to look at someone like this young man who, in his sincere exuberance, tends to put a chasm between himself and those he wants to “save” by his poorly chosen words and deeds, and we tend to see all well-meaning Christians through the filter of our experiences with him. So we quit listening to all of them. The rude, the well-meaning but ill-prepared, the sincere and wise, they’re all seen through the lense of past experience. And when that lense has the most confrontational of the lot embedded in it, it can create quite a distortion. (Natureally, those of us who have gained wisdom try to overcome this “filtering process,” but even we can have our difficulties from time to time.

Hopefully, someone will take this young man aside and teach him some wisdom and compassion to go along with his enthusiasm and conviction. Otherwise, I suspect this will end badly. For everyone involved.

Is it time yet?

I’ve been going through some inner conflict about relationships. Or to be more exact, I’m going through some inner conflict about my lack of a romantic relationship, my desire to start looking into changing that state of affairs, and my concerns and fears about doing so.

I’m to that point where I’ve pretty well grieved over Mike (I think). Sure, there’s some part of me hoping that he’ll still come to his senses and contact me out of the blue to beg me for another chance. But I think that’s more because it would be the “easy path” — which is much more attractive than going through the whole process of trying to make connections with a new person I hardly know, for obvious reasons — than any desire to specifically have Mike back in my life. As much as it saddens to admit it, his claims early in our relationship that I would “eventually figure out he’s not all that special” has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. His choices and actions made him “not all that special” (with the possibly exception of making him especially undesirable in the end). That’s a weird realization to come to. And part of me still doesn’t know how to respond to it.

At this point, I’m to that point of feeling like, “I’m not getting any younger, and Mr. Right isn’t going to knock on my door out of the blue.” I know deep down that if I ever do want to find a special someone and experience love again, I’m probably going to have to do some looking. I’m going to have to put myself out there, find, and consider the prospects. Heck, I might even have to go on a few disastrous dates with a couple guys I realize later I’m not all that interested in. In short, I need to work to create the reality I want.

But on the same hand, I find myself hesitating. I start asking myself all kinds of questions. Am I really ready? Can I really commit to this? Am I to the point where I can really start and appreciate a real relationship rather than just trying to “get over” my last experience? And can I really look at the person who’s there and choose him for him rather than just choosing whoever because, “hey, it’s a relationship.” In other words, am I looking for a person or somethign less? And I’m having trouble answering those questions and trusting myself to do so honestly.

I’m also at that point where I’m worried about letting such a search for love consume my life. I don’t want to let my entire life to become little more than a romantic reltionship. (In retrospect, I can say that I started allowing that to happen with Mike, and I see it for the mistake it was.) So I’m worried about finding that balance of continuing to establish my life here in general with the possible “search” for love.

Of course, there’s still the fact that I haven’t figure out how to best go about conducting such a search anyway. I still haven’t met a lot of people yet, and I’m still trying to figure out how to rectify that. My creative writing class starts tomorrow evening, and I’m hoping that’ll help to some extent. But overall, I’m still just confused and worried.

1496

That is the number of words I have written, according to the unofficial, “lightweight” NaNoWriMo word counter. It’s funny, because the Word Count utility in MS Word gives me a number that’s about twenty words less. Oh well, I’m trying my best not to let the numbers get to me anyway.

Yes, I’ve decided to give my novel idea a try. I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out. I may decide to delete it all and call it a failure next week. But I’ve given it a start. And so far, I think it’s been a pretty good start. And I’m thinking that maybe I can get a basic “skeleton” worked out and then go back to it after all this madness is over. After all, I feel I really need to research a few issues a bit more (maybe get some feedback from more experienced people). But then I’ll at least have something to work with. Perhaps researching and rewriting will be easier than trying to do everything up front and then writing it all done. Only time will tell.

In other news, I went to Tinker Nature Park today. The World Wide Labyrinth Locator indicated they had a gravel and brick mideival labyrinth there, and it’s about ten miles down the road from me. So I decided to check it out. It was pretty good, though I think I’d prefer to walk a labyrinth that had actual walls rather than one that’s just laid out on a flat surface. I think the sense of beign physically enclosed would have added to the experience. But I guess we can’t be too picky, can we.

While there, I also checked out some other parts of the park. It actually looks like a pretty neat place. I may suggest that Dad and I check it out together next Spring or Summer when he’s up for an evening. I think he might enjoy the fitness trail. It seemed like a neat idea, and I’m considering doing it myself at some point. (We’ll have to wait and see.) And I still need to check out the nature walk and nature trail itself. Not to mention the homestead and farm museum. It’s quite a neat place. And to think, I’ve been living here for two months already and never realized all that was so close until today.

Thoughts on “Revenge of the Sith”

Last night, I bought and watched “Revenge of the Sith” on DVD. I neglected to catch the film when it originally came out in theaters, so this was my virgin viewing experience. Overall, I found it an enjoyable film.

I think the thing that stood out to me was how Annikan’s transition from up-and-coming Jedi to the monstrous Darth Vader was portrayed. Lucas’s decision to make the combination of Annikan’s pain over losing his mother and fear of similarly losing Padme the fulcrum and primary motivator for Annikan’s change was masterful. It created something that we could grasp as the hero fell and was reborn as a villain. Personally, as someone who prefers a villain whose motives I can at least understand if not support over a villian who’s just plain evil for no apparent reason, I appreciated Lucas’s mostly masterful explanation.

Of course, that’s not to say there wasn’t a rough spot in that part of the story. Lucas did lose me during the pivotal scene. I was with the program right up through the point where Annikan stopped Mace from killing Palpatine. But when Annikan immediately turns around and begins to follow Palpatine’s order to kill all the Jedi at the temple wihtout question, I felt Lucas had dropped the ball. The transition from a confused Annikan who just wanted to spare an admittedly evil man who could save his love to a dispassionate killer of younglings was just too rough for me. There needed to be something more to smooth out that last stage of the change.

The other thing I liked is how Lucas skillfully slipped the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy into the movie. During the entire movie, Annikan was motivated by his fear brought on by the knowledge that Padme would die if he didn’t find a way to intervene. But in the end, it was his actions, and his realignment with the Sith that directly led to the fulfillment of his nightmarish foreknowledge. As in the case of MacBeth and the visit with the Oracle in the first Matrix movie, it begs the question: Would Padme have lived if he hadn’t had those dreams in the first place?

I also liked the moments of insight into the mentality of the Sith that Palpatine offered from time to time. With the story of Darth Plagaris (Sideous’s own mentor, perhaps?), we learn why that the relationship between the student and teacher is a treacherous one which must inevitably lead to the death of one of them. This is brought on by the combination of fear and lust for power. Either the master must destroy the pupil before said pupil becomes too powerful, or the student must kill the master so that he might survive and ascend to mastery himself. It leaves me wondering why Sith would take a pupil in the first place. But it does explain why there are only two of them. In such a cutthroat relationship, there’s never time to teach a second pupil as long as the first survives.

Tax Breaks for Dutch Student Witches?

I’ve run across several rposts of an AP article about a court ruling to allow students attending a “school for witches” in the Netherlands to write off the cost of tuition for tax purposes. Having seen it, I thought it would be a good idea for me to post my own thoughts.

First of all, I expect there to be a huge fuss over this. As the article indicates, there’s already those who are of the opinion that this is little more than a government “endorsing witchcraft.” And I suspect we will be hearing more of the same as the news gets out. (I can just hear the howls of outraged 700 Club fans now.) Of course, I find myself wondering why no one complains about the number of “church owned projects” that are being “endorsed” by the government due to the fact that the church can extend their tax exempt status to those projects. (Even my evangelical and rather conservative father is becoming disgusted with how American churches are — in his opinion, at least — abusing their tax exempt status by the things they claim as “church owned.”) In my mind, all of this outrage underscores the deep-seated belief that Christians have the right to decide what constitutes a “religion” deserving of Constitutionally protected status.

Now, having said that, I have to admit that I have my own concerns about this decision. For example, according to the article, the court ruling indicated that scholing costs can be declared if said schooling increases their likelihood of employment and personal income. I find myself wondering how attending a school for witches reasonably does either. Unless the Netherlands actually allows for professional witches to hire out their services — and for all I know, they do — I don’t see how this improves their employability. I’ve never seen a job opportunity where my circle casting or chanting skills have been all that relevant, let alone something that would give me a “leg up” on my competitors for the position. I might be able to argue that there are subtle life skills I have learned as I’ve practiced my Craft that have contributed to my effectiveness as an employee. However, that would be tough to argue. And it would be nearly impossible to argue that I’d specifically learned those skills thanks to a school in witchcraft. I’m just not sure how someone can reasonably demonstrate that an “education in witchcraft” has improved their employability except in very rare cases. (The other possibility that comes to mind is that one could become a professional tarot reader. But again, I can think of alternative — and cheaper — routes to get set up in that line of business.)

Of course, given where my interest lie, the idea of a “school” where you “learn witchcraft” — and pay for it, no less — just makes me bristle. The taking of money implies that anyone who can pay the almost $3000 and attend all the courses will become a witch. As I understand witchcraft, that’s not how things work. Being a witch is learning more than the “right stuff.” It’s as much about attitude and the ability to see things in a certain way as it is about knowing the right things — or even knowing how to do the right things. And these are things that one cannot guarantee a student will learn.

Now having said that, I’m sure that the people going to this school all learn something. And whatever they may be learning might be valuable. I’m just not sure it’ll always be “witchcraft” that they’ve learned. And I certainly don’t think it guarantees that every student who completes the course of study will attain “witchhood.”

Religion: Moving from memory to life application

I was just reading one of the liberal Christian blogs I like to keep up with, and discovered his recent entry about his son’s confirmation in the Lutheran church. First of all, I’d encourage everyone to check out his son’s “personal profession of faith” which he wrote. Personally, even though I don’t necessarily share his views, I thought it was an excellent attempt by the young man to grapple with his own faith and what it means to him. I think that more young people should be encouraged to do this.

The (rightfully) proud father prefaces this by pointing out that this practice of encouraging confirmands to write their personal statements of faith as a part of the confirmation process is a relatively new one. He compares this practice to “back in the day” when he himself was confirmed, in which the confirmation process involved memorizing a number of various pieces of information (such as the Apostles’ Creed and the ten commandments) and then being quizzed on it. He briefly mentions the anxiety he and his peers felt during this process and confesses that he wasn’t sure how it really demonstrateded they were “ready to assume the rights and responsibilities of adulthood in the church’s eyes.”

I’m inclined to agree with the blogger’s point of view on that one. The confirmation process that his son recently went through strikes me as much more reasonable, not to mention valuable. This is based on my own firm belief that one’s faith must be more than mere rote memorization of certain creeds, laws, and other doctrinal points and “bits of information” deemed “worthy.” As I mentioned in my commemnt to the blogger, it seems to me that faith essentially requires the understanding and wisdom to apply all of that knowledge, lest said knowledge remain little more than “useless trivia” tucked away in some recess of the memory.

Towards the end of my time in church and involvement with my church’s Sunday School program, I became more aware of this problem. Too often, our program would rely on rote memorization without actually teaching the kids much about what it means to live out one’s faith. (Oh sure, we went over the ten commandments and told everyone that they shouldn’t lie, cheat, steal, or the other assorted sins young children are most likely to be presented with, but a faithful life needs to be more than these things.) We filled those kids with our “head knowledge” and gave them little else. So it’s nice to see that at least some churches are coming around and trying to correct that error.

Now if only today’s pagans and witches would also catch wind of that idea. After all, we still too often rely on “head knowledge.” What’s the first thing we tell everyone who says they’re interested in Paganism/Wicca/witchcraft? “Read, read, and read.” We encourage them to fill their heads with information (and let’s not forget that 99% of the information they’ll probably find is bad.) But we don’t talk about the practical, “living the faith” kinds of things.

So “newbies” become “collectors of things.” They collect the various snippets of lore and poetry that have made it into the public domain (both legitimately and illegitimately), the lists of “healing crystals and their uses,” the lists of “elemental correspondenses,” the lists of “gods and their functions,” and all kinds of other things.

But where’s the serious contemplation of what it means to honor the old gods? Where is the deep searching of what it means to live “in tune with nature”? (Actually, I think “living in tune with nature” isn’t as big a part of Paganism as some would suggest, but if people are going to bandy about that phrase, I think it a good idea to start talking about how to practically go about accomplishing it.) Where is the deep discussion of how the Wheel of the Year affects us on a deep, personal level?

Maybe like the Christian blogger I mentioned, these are things that will only be sorted when my own children start down the Pagan paths. Maybe it’ll be longer than that. But I hope that we start thinking about these things now, so that this essential shift in focus happens some time.

Who needs external symbols for evil, anyway?

Doing random searches for blogs, I ran across another blogger’s diatribe about Halloween. Now, I have to admit that I’m not a huge fan of Halloween myself. (Indeed, I’m quite happy that I observe Samhain based on an astrological calendar, as it places my ritual observances as a separate event from Halloween altogether.) Unlike the author of that blog post, though, I do tend to see Halloween (except for the prankish part) as mostly “harmless fun.”

But what really caught my attention was this bloggers argument against it. It seemed that the crux of his argument is that it “desensitizes” people to the “traditional symbols of evil” — such as the devil. The continuing thought from that point is that this desensitization will allow “moral relativity” to reign supreme because those moral systems of the faiths that provided these symbols will be devalued at the same time.

I see a number of problems with this viewpoint. The basic underlying problem is that it underscores the fact that these “traditional faiths” (namely certain sects of Christianity, because no other faith seems to see the Devil in quite that same light) are relying too heavily on these “symbols of evil” to begin with. Personally, I think that it’s time that these faiths quit hanging quite so tightly onto this idea of “the Devil” as the source of evil. After all, the Bible does not start with the downfall of Lucifer, but with the sin of Adam and Eve. And it continues from there with many more stories describing the evils of countless human beings. While I admit that it’s been years since I’ve done any serious Biblical research, it seems to me that when you look at the countless evils carried out by humans in its pages, you begin to notice that the antics of Satan and his minions seem to be little more than subtext.

Indeed, it seems that religious groups that focus on these “external symbols of evil” such as devils have lost the very essence and point of their religious texts. The evil isn’t (just) “out there” with “devils” and other such creatures. There’s real evil lurking in the hearts of men and women everywhere. Perhaps if we took that reality a bit more seriously, how people view and treat those “traditional symbols of evil” wouldn’t be as essential.

Fairy Tale Musings: Snow White

This morning, I decided to watch Disney’s animated rendition of “Snow White” while I ate breakfast. It’s your typical sweet and sappy Disney movie. We all know the pattern of these tales fairly well. The heroine starts out in rags, finds herself in a position of threat, hides away, makes some friends, is discovered by her nemesis, is “destroyed,” is avenged, and is then revived by true love.

As I sat watching it, I had an idea. “Hey, let’s read the original version out of our copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales.” So after the movie was over, I rand upstairs, located my cherished book, and began to read it.

Man, I always knew Disney liked to change things, but I didn’t realize how much they changed things until this reading. I had usually assumed they tended to just make things less gory (or to be faux witty about it, remove the most grim parts of Grimm). But man, they even changed the natuere of the seven dwarfs. In the original tale as told (or recorded, as is more accurate) by Jacob ad Wilhelm, the dwars were actually quite meticulous in their own housekeeping. In their written tale, Snow White (who it might also be noted was originally called Little Snow White, as she was only nine) found a spotless house in excellent order. Yes, the dwarfs do tell her that she has to cook and clean if she stays, but in the tale, it’s apparently not because they need her services. Knowing that dwarfs in Teutonic mythology and lore are generally seen as the embodiment of industriousness, it seems to me that the original interpretation of the seven dwarfs’ conditions to Snow White have more to do with the idea that one must make oneself productive in some way in order to stay in the realm of the dwarfs.

The other thing that stuck out to me is that in the written tale, it’s not the Prince’s kiss that awakens Snow White from her slumber. In fact, the Prince doesn’t kiss her at all. Instead, when he comes to stay with the seven dwarfs and sees the beautiful maiden asleep in her coffin, he begs the dwarfs to allow him to take her back to his castle as “his most treasured possession.” (We’ll try to keep the inner feminist from barking too loudly about that poor choice of words on the tale-spinners’ part.) While he is transferring Snow White and her coffin to his castle, the wagon hits a bump which dislodges the bit of poisoned apple from her throat. That is what revives her, not love’s first kiss. Quite a difference, eh?

Now, I don’t mean to bash Disney for these changes. Disney’s animated movie is a work of beauty in its own right, and I’ll hopefully enjoy it many more time times in my life. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s very different from the tale as written down by the Brothers Grimm, and I’m glad I read their version as well. It just seems to be packed with so many details. In fact, I hope to explore why the story-tellers of old (those who actually recounted these tales to the Brothers) would have mentioned them. After all, these are folk tales, (and folk tales that come from the same cultural groups that developed the myths of my gods no less, so they’re likely of value to me)and that means that they likely have much symbolism that would’ve been understood and seen as important. So some of the little details I hope to look into and find possible signficicance include:

1. The repitition of “splitting things” over the seven dwarfs (such as when Snow White eats a little from each of the seven plates she finds upon entering the house “so as to not clear any one plate” or when the seventh dwarf who gave up his bed to Snow White sleeps one hour with each of his six brothers in their own bed).

2. The three methods that the Queen uses to try and kill Snow White.

3. The fact that the Queen asks the huntsman to bring back Snow White’s lung and liver so she can eat them.

4. The seven hills our mountains past which the seven dwarfs live.

I also find the introductory paragraph to the tale interesting. In this paragraph, the story-teller introduces us to the first Queen, Snow White’s mother. This paragraph tells of the snowy morning where she pricked her finger so three drops of blood fell. It is upon looking at these red drops of blood, the white snow, and the black ebony of the window frame that the Queen suddenly wishes for a chile “white as snow, red as blood, and as black as the wood of the window-frame.” It leaves me wondering if this is merely to describe the eventual beauty of Snow White, or if there’s some deeper signficicance to these events and their resulting wish.

So now, I need to find a good commentary on this tale as well as the rest of those recorded by the Brothers Grimm.

Dear Lover #5

This is part of a series I started writing elsewhere. I decided to start cross-posting them to this blog as well.

Dear Lover,

I’ve been in “hopeless romantic” mood all weekend. I’ve watched three different movies since yesterday morning that have centered around relationships between two guys. This isn’t typical of me, but I guess I’m just in that state of mind where I want to be reminded that such love and tenderness really can exist.

The last movie I watched — in fact, I just finished it mere minutes ago — was a nice British film called “Beautiful Thing.” It was slow in places (which seems to be common in just about every British film I’ve watched), but it was a wonderful and touching story. It was about two teenage boys who were neighbors and their struggles as they discovered they loved one another, but had to deal with all of the difficulties in pursuing a relationship.

The scene that really touched me, though (well, other than the scene where Jaime rubbed creme into the welts on Ste’s back and told him he was quite attractive) was the final scene. This is the scene where Ste and Jaime end up slow dancing in the middle of the square near their home. As they start to dance, a crowd starts to gather round them, and Jaime’s mother and another neighbor (also female) end up joining the young lovers, dancing one another. And as they danced, the four of them talked back and forth, laughing (mainly about what Ste’s abusive father would have to say if he was there to see the scene) and just enjoying one another while the crowd watched in wonder.

I’d love to be a part of a scene like that with you, Lover. There was a tender intimacy and sweet love wrapped up into it. It’s something that could never be expressed half as adequately in all the grandiose “romantic dates” and nights of passionate lovemaking in the world. It’s a gentle beauty and sense of serenity that can only come from those small, simple things, those moments that create a perfect moment of intimacy and love simply by the fact that they are an instant of absolutely sweet and genuine togetherness. I long for those moments, and I revel in the thought of someday finding them with you.

Fondly yours,
–Jarred.

Health Update

Today, I went to see Dr. Lee. It was time for my four month follow-up appointment. I guess things could’ve gone a lot worse, but they could’ve gone better, too. In the last four months, I’ve gained back 16 pounds. That puts me back up to 288. Granted, that still makes a net loss of 23 pounds since November 2, so I guess I shouldn’t berate myself too badly. (Besides, berating myself doesn’t accomplish anything other than to sap my desire to pick up where I left off and try again.) And my glycohemoglobin was up to 7.1, compared to 5.6 in March. This doesn’t surprise me, but it does upset me. However, Jenn did point out that the change probably wasn’t drastic as all that. My last bloodwork had covered the period where I was having numerous drops into the danger areas, so my last results were probably a bit low, anyway. She figures a more reasonable result last time would’ve been somewhere around 6.5. Of course, I think she partly said that just to make me feel better. After all, one of her primary duties is to keep the patients motivated, no matter what the news.

Dr. Lee decided to put my on Byetta, which is apparently a relatively new drug (as I understand it, it’s actually a hormone) they’ve come out with for treating diabetes. Dr. Lee didn’t want to put me back on glyburide or start me on insulin, as he was concerned either of those options would have me bottoming out severely like last time. The downside to Byetta, however, is that it has to be injected (in the thigh or abdomen, no less!). So I’ve had to learn to give myself an injection. Actually, it wasn’t too bad. Jenn showed me how to do it, and she has a pretty good method for convincing patients that it’s not as hard as they think. By the time she’s done, you realize that actually lancing your fingers to test your bloodsugar hurts more than sticking the needle for Byetta (or even insulin, I understand) in does. So that was a pleasant surprise. So hopefully, I’ll start this and get back on track with my diet and exercise, and things will go well.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.