Revisiting an old letter.

A couple weeks ago, I was looking through my old diary entries. I ran across an “unsent letter” I wrote to my ex, Zech. In it, I talked about my relationship with Mike. I decided I wanted to go back and comment on what I said there, considering how things with Mike finally ended up. Excerpts from the original letter are in italics, while my new thoughts will be in normal text.

I’m dating a wonderful guy now. His name is Mike.

Ah yes. These were “the good old days” when I actually thought Mike was a catch. (Actually, I wrote the original letter almost a full year before I broke up with Mike.) My opinion has changed since then. Funny thing is, I probably am having more fond thoughts of Zech right now than of Mike. That’s a scary thought, in some ways. Mike and I had our issues, but the “relationship” with Zech was just one huge mess. So you’d almost think that I’d have less fondness for Zech.

I suppose the fact that it’s been over seven years since Zech and I broke up, time has healed those wounds. Compare that to the fact that it’s only been six months since I told Mike I didn’t want him in my life any more, and I suppose that’s understandable. But I think there’s more to it than that. Zech and I had real issues back then, both individually and as a couple. And in Zech’s case, I can cut him some slack due to the fact that he was a lot younger — not even twenty yet. In comparison, Mike’s turning thirty in January. Being that old and still thinking it’s perfectly reasonable to tell someone, “You mean the world to me, but I’m not going to do anything to meet your emotional needs because it’ll require me to accept some personal discomfort” is unthinkable. So in that sense, I think he deserves my contempt.

But I’m slowly learning something. There’s a huge difference between you and Mike.

Unfortunately, I’m also learning there were a lot of similarities between them, too. It’s ironic that I spent so much time teaching myself to not react to Mike out of my issues with Zech, only to find out there really were some things they had in common. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I went through that process anyway. I did need to learn that not everyone was exactly like Zech.

But in the end, both of my exes were wrapped up in their own little worlds. They were too busy trying to keep their worlds so perfectly balanced, that they were willing to sacrifice my needs and feelings if it came to it. Perhaps Mike wasn’t as dastardly about it, but does that make it any better? And besides, he also should’ve known better.

In retrospect, I think I’ve decided to re-make my rule against not dating guys who are still “in the closet” — at least to their family. I made that rule after Zech and broke it when dating Mike. When Mike and I started going together, I told him about my reservations. But I went ahead on the grounds that he was otherwise wonderful and he promised me that he’d make sure that the fact that his friends and family didn’t know about his sexual orientation wouldn’t get in the way. He broke that promise. And I’m now convinced that when push comes to shove, most guys in the closet will break that promise. So if they’re not ready to be honest with their family, they deserve a pass in the realm of relationships. They’re just not ready.

Book Review continues with Chapter Two

It’s been a while since I started my book book review of Wicca’s Charm: Understanding the Spiritual Hunger Behind the Rise of Modern Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality by Catherine Edwards Sanders. As such, I decided to take the time to read through and review chapter two of the book, which the author gave the title, “Tired of Sitting in Pews.” In this chapter, Sanders attempts to look at the reasons that so many people are looking to find spirituality in Paganism rather than seeking it through Christianity. The four reasons that she compiles are as follows:

  1. Concern for the earth
  2. Empowerment for women
  3. Frustration with consumer culture
  4. The draw of the supernatural

What interests me here is that Sanders does not try to dismiss these reasons. In fact, she shows a certain amount of sensitivity towards these sentiments. She even goes so far as to admit that many Christians and churches do seem to ignore these matters, and can even be antagonistic towards them.

Once acknowledging these differences, she speaks of the complaint of hypocricy within “the Church” that many Pagans complain about. Again, she does not shy away from this and does not deny that these things happen. However, she does rightfully point out that not all Christians play the part of the hypocrite. She also rightfully points out that there are some less-than-perfect people within Paganism.

As she discusses the tensions between Christians and Pagans alike, as well as the preconceived notions each side has about the other, Sanders makes what is both one of the simplest and one of the most important observations about the whole affair:

Sadly, many Christians don’t take the time to get to know people like Ginny [one of the witches the author interviewed for this chapter]; instead, they judge her from afar. And, like Ginny, many Pagans judge Christians from afar. This only alienates neo-Pagans from Christians. It would be better if Christians defied the stereotypes by getting to know neo-Pagans, as the apostle Paul did.

I would add to Sanders’s thoughts that it would also be helpful if more Pagans took the time to temporarily “forget” the stereotypes when meeting a Christian for the first time and got to know that individual as a real person. Until we’re willing to stop filtering every experience through the stereotypes and our past experiences, no sincere attempt by Christians to get to know us better is likely to be all that successful.

One of the specific incidents that Sanders mentions where Christians have generated some “bad blood” involves an incident that happened three and a half years ago. (Incidentally, this is another area where Sanders demonstrates a need to be a bit more exacting in her research. The incident that she is describing did not occur at Midsummer, but during a ritual honoring the Spring equinox.) A small group of overly-zealous Christians attempted to interrupt a rite being performed outside a Craft store in Lancaster California and generally harassed those in attendance. This is one of those cases where Sanders certainly shows her willingness to look critically at some of the things adherents of her own faith have done.

Overall, I felt this chapter was a bit short and more than a little superficial. The author certainy did not cover the widh and breadth of reasons why people might leave Christianity, or what theological issues individual Pagans might have with Christianity. For example, she did not consider the fact that many Pagans question the need for “salvation,” or the fact that many find Christianity’s all too common focus on the afterlife to be rather life-negating in nature. It’s not clear to me whether Sanders just picked the “top four” reasons she ran across and chose to focus on them, or whether she really believes those four reasons actually “cover all the bases.”

Wicca’s Charm: Chapter 1 Review, Part 2

In a previous post, I began reviewing chapter one of Catherine Sanders’s book, Wicca’s Charm: Understanding the Spiritual Hunge Behind the Rise of Modern Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality. In this entry, I hope to complete this review.

After discussing “Wiccans'” disbelief in Satan and the fact that they are not horrible devil worshippers, Sanders turns her attention to trying to explain the belief in magic and spellwork. This is no easy task for most Pagans and witches, let alone a Christian journalist, and I admire Sanders’s care and effort in writing about this topic. She begins this discussion by offering Starhawk’s definition of magic (personally, I prefer Crowley’s definition), as well as an example Starhawk has used to clarify and further explain her definition and how magic works.

One of the things that disappoints me is that Sanders does not discuss any Pagan beliefs concerning the source or nature of that power (hopefully, she will cover it in a later chapter). I believe this to be a fairly serious oversight, as I believe that the understanding of the source of the witch’s power — that the witch generates that power with her own body — is an essential key to grasping many profound truths within the Craft. Of course, not all Pagans and “Wiccans” agree with me on the importance of this understanding, and this may explain Sanders’s ommission of that particular point.

Sanders then goes into some of the common themse that most “Wiccans” will agree on, such as the perception of the Goddess as the Mother Goddess and the God as her Horned Consort. I do get the impression that her sources all tend to believe that “all gods are one and all goddesses are one,” and this shines through in her descriptions of the God and Goddess. She also mentions the eight Sabbats and thirteen esbats.

She also mentions the commonly accepted symbol of the pentagram. Unfortunately, she does propagate an incorrect belief that runs rampant in the Pagan community — another sure sign that all of her sources come from a closely related subgroup of the greater Pagan community. This is the belief that “Wiccans” and Pagans eschew the inverted (“one point down”) pentagram, indicating that it is a symbol of Satanists. While it is true that Satanists have often made use of the inverted pentagram, they do not have a monopoly on that form of the symbol. There are indeed magical and religious traditions outside of Satanism that make use of the inverted Paganism. Unfortunately, by propagating this particular falsehood, Sanders is unintentionally encouraging her Christian readers to jump to incorrect conclusions if they happen to run across a practitioner of one of those traditions who do make use of an inverted pentagram.

Sanders then goes into a discussion about the Wiccan Rede and the Threefold Law. This is of particular concern to me. Unfortunately, far too many people in the Pagan community think that these two items make up the sum total of Pagan ethics. This is completely untrue, as some Pagan groups don’t subscribe to either the Rede or the Threefold Law. Even among those who do subscribe to them, the way they are interpreted can vary greatly and widely. And many groups have further gudelines and factors to consider in their ethics. (Personally, I’ve always felt that the line in the Charge of the Goddess that calls for reverence, humility, compassion, and similar values was far more helpful in making ethical decisions than either the Rede or the Law of Returns.)

As an aside, Sanders paraphrases the thoughts of a Salem witch named Marisa concerning Osama bin Laden during this discussion of ethics. I found Marisa’s views on that particular topic dubious at best, and it concerns me that these views were presented as universal to all “Wiccans” — or even Pagans in general. While I may disagree with how our government officials are currently handling the “war on terror” to some degree, I do not endorse a course of action of “sending the terrorist positive energy and letting them be eventually punished by the Threefold Law.” I find such a suggestion downright preposterous, and I doubt I’m the only witch who does!

Sanders then describes some time she spent observing and talking with Laurie Cabot. I will not spend any time coveing that, but will merely point out that I’m not sure what Ms. Cabot practices, but it seems to bear little resemblance to the forms of witchcraft I or those I have come to know and personally respect happen to practice. And while I respect Ms. Cabot’s right to practice as she wishes, I wish she didn’t make such an effort in presuming to “represent” all of us.

Sanders closes the chapter with a brief description of a Samhain ritual on she observed on “Gallows Hill.” This ritual seems like the standard “open rite” performed for a general public: A bit showy, but very little depth. However, it’s vibrant colors and themes does provide a pleasant closing to Sanders’s first chapter.

One thing I will note on this chapter is that Sanders refers to “Gallows Hill” as the place where the witches of the Salem witch trials were hanged. I realize that she is merely repeating what tourists are told every year. However, I do find the fact that she didn’t look into the truth of this matter as a journalist a bit disappointing. Truth be told, there are no records that indicate where the historical Gallows Hill was. Danvers’s (formerly known as Salem Village — where the trials actually took place) best efforts to uncover this information has still born no fruit.

Great Conference

Yesterday, I drove to London Ontario to attend the Saturday sessions of the Gathering Mists Pagan Conference. As this was the first year that this conference has ever been held, it had a relatively small turnout. However, as we know, quantity isn’t generally a desirable alternative to quality. And when it comes to quality, I am of the opinion that yesterday’s activities were the cream of the crop. The guest speakers were personable, clearly knowledgeable about the topics they discussed, and communicated that knowledge concisely to those of us not quite so “in the know.” The topics chosen for each workshop were also interesting and engaging.

The first workshop that I attended in the morning was “Bardic Tradition in Ritual,” presented by Greg Currie, aka “Frosty the Pagan.” Frosty discussed the various modes of musical expression from simple rhythm to complex productions where music is combined with various other ritual forms of expression. He also described the various ways in which these forms of musical expression can be used effectively in ritual, from being a “background activity” to being an integral part of the primary activity. Making use of his drum and guitar, he was able to give live demonstrations of some of the concepts he was discussing. The workshop eventually ended with full group participation in singing some chants — including one chant in which two groups sang completely different parts simultneously. As an aside, a fascinating discusison cropped up during this work shop in which everybody discussed the relationship between music and dance, especially the symbiotic relationships that tend to form between dancers and drummers during a good drumming circle.

The next workshop that I attended was “Building Respectful Relationships,” presented by Jennifer Drummond. This workshop primarily focused on becoming aware of how one’s past experiences, culture, family life, and other factors affect the way that you communicate ideas as well as being aware that similar “filters” affect how the perso you are talking to interprets what you say. Jennifer spent some time discussing tools to help with building this awareness and learning to work through the resulting communication problems. She also discussed such topics as setting boundaries and dealing with “triggers” effectively. Because of the size of the group (this is one of those cases where I felt the lower turnout actually worked to the workshop’s advantage), Jennifer was able to learn about attendees’ personal communication experiences and offer specific insights.

The third workshop I attended was “The Implications of Korean Shamanism,” presented by Castalia. In this workshop, Castalia describes the current status of the Korean mansin (pronounced “man-SHEEN”), particularly noting how they have fallen from being highly revered as political advisors to people very low on the socio-economic ladder and Korea’s “dirty lttle secret.” Castalia made a strong case in suggesting that this transition is analogous to what would have happened to European Paganism if Christians in political power had waged a war of attrition against them rather than one of persecution and violence. She also noted a number of similarities in practice and belief between these Korean shamans and the witches of Europe. To do this, she summarized various anthropoligists’ descriptions of the Kut (long U sound), a shamanic rite for exorcising the poisonous spirits from a home and blessing it. Her information was fascinating on many levels, both to see what a vibrant tradition still thrives in Korea (despite being frowned upon and attempts to keep it secret) and to see some of the parallels to modern European revivals and reconstructions.

I would also like to take a moment to mention the main ritual that was held yesterday at the conference, led by Richard and Tamara James, founders of the Wiccan Church of Canada. It was a simple, yet beautiful and touching rite. The phrasing chosen for each part in the rite was filled with skillful beauty that was only matched by the deep love an respect of those who participated. I have participated in a small number public rites, but I’d be hard pressed to think of one that I found as personally touching.

My trip also gave me an excellent chance to socialize, meet old friends, build on aquaintanceships, and meet some new people. I believe that each interraction yesterday enriched my life in one way or another. For that, I will always be thankful.

Overall, I found my experience at Gathering Mists to be enjoyable, engaging, and uplifting. I can only hope that this event will continue for many years. I would encourage anyone who can make it next year to do so. I doubt you will be disappointed.

Reviewing Wicca’s Charm: The Inevitable Salem Stop

During this past Halloween season, I ran across an article by a woman named Catherine Edwards Sanders. In this article, she wrote a few comments on the growing interest in “Wicca” (she uses the term in a broader context than I do) and Paganism, as well as explaining how this growing interest represents a failure on the part of “the Church” as a whole. As part of her by-line on the article, she mentions that she also wrote a book on the same subject, whose title is Wicca’s Charm: Understanding the Spiritual Hunger Behind the Rise of Modern Witchcraft and Pagan Spirituality. Being the curious sort, I decided to order a copy. It came today, and so far I have torn through the preface and first chapter.

So far, I think the book deserves a fair amount of praise. This is not to say that I agree with everything the author says, mind you. Indeed, I think there are some points that need to be criticized. But so far, I think that the woman deserves a great deal of credit for setting her personal and religious views aside as much as possible and trying to understand the practices of those she observed and interviewed. As such, I feel it only appropriate to take a close look at her book and investigate both those areas where she made some excellent observations and those areas where her information, presentation of that information, or both are weak or faulty. It is my intention to do this in this blog — both this entry an future ones — as I read through the book.

The first thing I notice in chapter one is that it seems to me that the majority of her “sources” are from the “eclectic Wiccan” camp. (Even the one interviewee in this chapter that identifies as having become a Gardnerian says some thign I’d consider uncharcteristic of most Garderians, and I’ve met more than a few) I’m not sure if this is just the nature of this chapter — after all, it focuses mostly on her encounter with and investigation of the “Pagan” side of Salem around Halloween — or will continue through the book, but it does raise a bit of concern to me. After all, it raises a strong risk of painting all Pagans with the same broad brush. And even among the “Wiccans,” the image she’s portraying will not remain accurate for long.

Sanders actually opens chapter one by describing a “spell performed for spectators” that she witnessed. I must say that I admire Sanders for her even tone in the description of this rite. She neither tries to make it sound more sensationalistic than it is nor tries to deride it as a bunch of “nonsense.” Instead, she gives a matter-of-fact, clearly descriptive account. This account immediately demonstrates her sincerity in wanting to represent the subject of her books fairly and kindly. Truth be told, I felt she gave a much kinder description of the rite than i would have been inclined to offer, myself. After all, I’m inclined to call into question the very idea of doing a spell “so that spectators can watch” (and charging them for the privelege, no less!), whereas Sanders is willing to let such a dubious activity pass without challenge.

She then gives a brief “history” of Wicca, repeating the commonly held — if not entirely accurate in my opinion — view that Gardner and his colleagues cobbled the religion out of a number of sources. While she doesn’t come right out and say that she disbelieves the stories of Gardner’s involvement with New Forest Coven (or NFC’s very existence), she does seem to hint that she’s of that mindset. Of course, given her sources, that’s mostly understandable.

Sanders then offers four basic points that she considers to be common threads in the various practices of “Wicca.” I think that these four points deserve special consideration and examination, as they again demonstrate the kinds of “Wiccans” she was observing and interviewing. As such I shall take each point as she writes them. The first point, she summarizes as follows:

All is one — Wiccans hold the monistic and pantheistic beliefs that all living things are of equal value. Humans have no special place, nor are they made in God’s image. They have, for example, the same value as flowers, trees, or grass. The cosmos is undifferentiated universal engergy, and everything is one vast, interconnected process.

Based on the Wicca I know, I find it difficult to comment on how accurately it reflects their practice. It is neither entirely accurate, nor entirely inaccurate. Furthermore, it is rather difficult to point out to specific points within this statement and say “this is true, but that isn’t.” While it is true that the Wicca tend to believe that many people in our society tend to over-emphasize the value of human beings in comparison to the value of non-human life (or even those things that we don’t generally view as alive), I would not say go so far as to say that they see everything as being “the same” or “undifferentiated.” In fact, I’d argue that it’s quite the opposite. They see the individual and unique beauty of both humans and all other parts of the world around us, and they appreciate each one for its own greatness. In this sense, there is this idea of thigns being “valued differently,” which must be honored in it’s own right. Contrast this with the idea of being “less valued” or “more valued,” and you get a more clear idea.

Point two reads as follows:

You are divine — Wiccans believe they possess divine power within themselves and that they are gods or goddesses.

To be honest, I wonder how much of this point comes from Sanders’ communications with “public witches” like Laurie Cabot and those who follow them. Most of the Wicca I know — as well as most other witches and Pagans — hold no such belief. While it is true that the Wicca believe that each individual is a reflection and representative of the gods and that the gods can be seen within each individual, this is a far cry from actually believing one is a fully fledged god. It seems to me that Sanders has either met some rather unusual witches in her studies or she is misunderstanding what is actually believed by most.

The third point is as follows:

Personal power is unlimited — Wiccans believe that their power is not limited by a deity, as in Christianity.

This is the first point I think the Wicca I know might actually agree with her on. But to be honest, I’m surprised most of the “Wiccans” she spoke with also believe this. In my experience many people still have this idea that magic is still “asking” or “getting” the gods to do something for them, much as Christians see prayers of petition.

The fourth and final point reads as follows:

Consciousness can and should be altered through the pracice of rite and ritual — Wiccans believe in the supernatural realm and the practice of altered consciousness through rite, ritual, and spell-casting in which they tap into the power and energy of the unseens spirit world.

This is fairly accurate, though I might personally eschew the use of the word “supernatural.” Personally, I’m inclined to view the “spirit world” as natural as the “physical world,” just of a nature we can’t quite understand in the same way at this time. Indeed, I think that this constant tendency to separate the “physical” and “spiritual” or “supernatural” into two neat packages that have nothing to do with one another to be an area of concern. And unfortunately, it’s a tendency found in various forms of both Christianity and Paganism.

I think that Sanders next hits upon a goldmine, but then glosses over it too quickly. She mentions that “Wicca” seems to delight in having no orthodoxy (quoting what is probably one of the few actually useful things Aidan Kelly has ever said on the topic of Wicca in his entire life). She points out that rather than focusing on doctrine, direct experience seems to be important. This is something I personally do not believe that can be emphasized enough, as the proper performance of certain rites and the internalization of the resulting experiences is the heart and soul of Wicca. Unfortunately, this heart and soul is too often lacking in eclectic circles. In her own way, Sanders points this out as she goes on to say that “Wicca” is instead defined “in opposition to issues such as environmental degradation, the perceived patriarchy within Christianity, or monotheism in general.” If this is truly how the “Wiccans” Sanders interviewed see Wicca, then I am inclined to suggest that they “missed the boat” in that regards. Unfortunately, Sanders seems to be equally unaware of that state of affairs.

Sanders next tackles the question of Satan. In this area, Sanders deserves more praise. She again states clearly and almost emphatically that “Wiccans” do not believe they worship Satan. Moreover, she presses the issue by stating that she considers it inappropriate for Christians to accuse them of being Satan worshippers. In this, she does draw the fine line that there is a difference between believing that Pagans are “unwittingly” worshipping Satan in disguise (a position she implies that she holds herself) and believing they knowingly and explicitly worship him. It is the latter she is decrying in this part, and she makes a strong case for her views.

One thing that I do note about this part of her discussion is that she brings up that “Wiccans” don’t believe in Satan and the fact that they don’t believe in “absolute evil” in the same paragraph, suggesting the two are somehow linked. I find this curious, as it again suggests a belief on her part that Satan is the absolute source of evil (for more thoughts on this topic, I refer the curious reader back to an earlier entry I posted that touched on that line of thinking.

This chapter review has grown long. I think I will leave my remaining thoughts for another entry on another day. In the meantime, I hope my readers will find this review informative.

Someone should help him before he hurts himself — or others

Sometime last week, I ran across this entry by a young Christian blogger. I decided to leave him a comment, though I get the impression he completely missed my point. I left him a second comment, hoping that maybe it’ll clarify what I’m getting at.

Now, I’m going to set aside my personal feelings about his theology for the moment. I’m going to set aside the natural defensiveness some part of me feels over his comments about my religious practices. After all, at least on an “intellectual level,” I can respect his right to hold his opinions on these things. I can even respect his right to express those opinions.

But at the same time, I can only feel that this is a young man without any practical direction, and that spells disaster in my mind. In all of his statements, I don’t see even the slightest hint of a sense of how he’s going to go about living a more “visible” relationship for God. Well, at least not beyond spouting off catchphrases and buzzwords like a motivational speaker.

Of course, part of me wonders if that’s not part of the problem. I find myself wondering if he’s been to one too many “revival meetings” of a certain sort. You know, those meetings where someone stands in front of a crowd, gives a number of compelling speeches designed specifically to stir everyone’s emotions and get them “worked up for Jesus,” but then leave their “revived” people to wonder what happened once the emotional high is over and real life set in. All because while said speaker(s) got them all worked up, they didn’t do a very good job of keeping things going. (And let’s face it, there’s only so long you can keep an emotional high going. It’s one reason churches don’t have “revival meetings” every Sunday.)

What really worries me — and what should worry all Christians out there — is what kind of bridges this young man might burn in his current state. He’s so hyped up that he almost seems to be looking for a “glorious confrontation.” (Read his other two entries and you’ll see more of what I’m talking about.) And while that sounds great in theory, it’s a pretty good way of making some enemies. And you know, it’s rather difficult to share any message, let alone the gospel message, with an enemy.

And as much as it bugs me, I have to admit that we witches and Pagans tend to be grudge-holders. We tend to look at someone like this young man who, in his sincere exuberance, tends to put a chasm between himself and those he wants to “save” by his poorly chosen words and deeds, and we tend to see all well-meaning Christians through the filter of our experiences with him. So we quit listening to all of them. The rude, the well-meaning but ill-prepared, the sincere and wise, they’re all seen through the lense of past experience. And when that lense has the most confrontational of the lot embedded in it, it can create quite a distortion. (Natureally, those of us who have gained wisdom try to overcome this “filtering process,” but even we can have our difficulties from time to time.

Hopefully, someone will take this young man aside and teach him some wisdom and compassion to go along with his enthusiasm and conviction. Otherwise, I suspect this will end badly. For everyone involved.

Is it time yet?

I’ve been going through some inner conflict about relationships. Or to be more exact, I’m going through some inner conflict about my lack of a romantic relationship, my desire to start looking into changing that state of affairs, and my concerns and fears about doing so.

I’m to that point where I’ve pretty well grieved over Mike (I think). Sure, there’s some part of me hoping that he’ll still come to his senses and contact me out of the blue to beg me for another chance. But I think that’s more because it would be the “easy path” — which is much more attractive than going through the whole process of trying to make connections with a new person I hardly know, for obvious reasons — than any desire to specifically have Mike back in my life. As much as it saddens to admit it, his claims early in our relationship that I would “eventually figure out he’s not all that special” has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. His choices and actions made him “not all that special” (with the possibly exception of making him especially undesirable in the end). That’s a weird realization to come to. And part of me still doesn’t know how to respond to it.

At this point, I’m to that point of feeling like, “I’m not getting any younger, and Mr. Right isn’t going to knock on my door out of the blue.” I know deep down that if I ever do want to find a special someone and experience love again, I’m probably going to have to do some looking. I’m going to have to put myself out there, find, and consider the prospects. Heck, I might even have to go on a few disastrous dates with a couple guys I realize later I’m not all that interested in. In short, I need to work to create the reality I want.

But on the same hand, I find myself hesitating. I start asking myself all kinds of questions. Am I really ready? Can I really commit to this? Am I to the point where I can really start and appreciate a real relationship rather than just trying to “get over” my last experience? And can I really look at the person who’s there and choose him for him rather than just choosing whoever because, “hey, it’s a relationship.” In other words, am I looking for a person or somethign less? And I’m having trouble answering those questions and trusting myself to do so honestly.

I’m also at that point where I’m worried about letting such a search for love consume my life. I don’t want to let my entire life to become little more than a romantic reltionship. (In retrospect, I can say that I started allowing that to happen with Mike, and I see it for the mistake it was.) So I’m worried about finding that balance of continuing to establish my life here in general with the possible “search” for love.

Of course, there’s still the fact that I haven’t figure out how to best go about conducting such a search anyway. I still haven’t met a lot of people yet, and I’m still trying to figure out how to rectify that. My creative writing class starts tomorrow evening, and I’m hoping that’ll help to some extent. But overall, I’m still just confused and worried.

1496

That is the number of words I have written, according to the unofficial, “lightweight” NaNoWriMo word counter. It’s funny, because the Word Count utility in MS Word gives me a number that’s about twenty words less. Oh well, I’m trying my best not to let the numbers get to me anyway.

Yes, I’ve decided to give my novel idea a try. I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out. I may decide to delete it all and call it a failure next week. But I’ve given it a start. And so far, I think it’s been a pretty good start. And I’m thinking that maybe I can get a basic “skeleton” worked out and then go back to it after all this madness is over. After all, I feel I really need to research a few issues a bit more (maybe get some feedback from more experienced people). But then I’ll at least have something to work with. Perhaps researching and rewriting will be easier than trying to do everything up front and then writing it all done. Only time will tell.

In other news, I went to Tinker Nature Park today. The World Wide Labyrinth Locator indicated they had a gravel and brick mideival labyrinth there, and it’s about ten miles down the road from me. So I decided to check it out. It was pretty good, though I think I’d prefer to walk a labyrinth that had actual walls rather than one that’s just laid out on a flat surface. I think the sense of beign physically enclosed would have added to the experience. But I guess we can’t be too picky, can we.

While there, I also checked out some other parts of the park. It actually looks like a pretty neat place. I may suggest that Dad and I check it out together next Spring or Summer when he’s up for an evening. I think he might enjoy the fitness trail. It seemed like a neat idea, and I’m considering doing it myself at some point. (We’ll have to wait and see.) And I still need to check out the nature walk and nature trail itself. Not to mention the homestead and farm museum. It’s quite a neat place. And to think, I’ve been living here for two months already and never realized all that was so close until today.

Thoughts on “Revenge of the Sith”

Last night, I bought and watched “Revenge of the Sith” on DVD. I neglected to catch the film when it originally came out in theaters, so this was my virgin viewing experience. Overall, I found it an enjoyable film.

I think the thing that stood out to me was how Annikan’s transition from up-and-coming Jedi to the monstrous Darth Vader was portrayed. Lucas’s decision to make the combination of Annikan’s pain over losing his mother and fear of similarly losing Padme the fulcrum and primary motivator for Annikan’s change was masterful. It created something that we could grasp as the hero fell and was reborn as a villain. Personally, as someone who prefers a villain whose motives I can at least understand if not support over a villian who’s just plain evil for no apparent reason, I appreciated Lucas’s mostly masterful explanation.

Of course, that’s not to say there wasn’t a rough spot in that part of the story. Lucas did lose me during the pivotal scene. I was with the program right up through the point where Annikan stopped Mace from killing Palpatine. But when Annikan immediately turns around and begins to follow Palpatine’s order to kill all the Jedi at the temple wihtout question, I felt Lucas had dropped the ball. The transition from a confused Annikan who just wanted to spare an admittedly evil man who could save his love to a dispassionate killer of younglings was just too rough for me. There needed to be something more to smooth out that last stage of the change.

The other thing I liked is how Lucas skillfully slipped the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy into the movie. During the entire movie, Annikan was motivated by his fear brought on by the knowledge that Padme would die if he didn’t find a way to intervene. But in the end, it was his actions, and his realignment with the Sith that directly led to the fulfillment of his nightmarish foreknowledge. As in the case of MacBeth and the visit with the Oracle in the first Matrix movie, it begs the question: Would Padme have lived if he hadn’t had those dreams in the first place?

I also liked the moments of insight into the mentality of the Sith that Palpatine offered from time to time. With the story of Darth Plagaris (Sideous’s own mentor, perhaps?), we learn why that the relationship between the student and teacher is a treacherous one which must inevitably lead to the death of one of them. This is brought on by the combination of fear and lust for power. Either the master must destroy the pupil before said pupil becomes too powerful, or the student must kill the master so that he might survive and ascend to mastery himself. It leaves me wondering why Sith would take a pupil in the first place. But it does explain why there are only two of them. In such a cutthroat relationship, there’s never time to teach a second pupil as long as the first survives.

Tax Breaks for Dutch Student Witches?

I’ve run across several rposts of an AP article about a court ruling to allow students attending a “school for witches” in the Netherlands to write off the cost of tuition for tax purposes. Having seen it, I thought it would be a good idea for me to post my own thoughts.

First of all, I expect there to be a huge fuss over this. As the article indicates, there’s already those who are of the opinion that this is little more than a government “endorsing witchcraft.” And I suspect we will be hearing more of the same as the news gets out. (I can just hear the howls of outraged 700 Club fans now.) Of course, I find myself wondering why no one complains about the number of “church owned projects” that are being “endorsed” by the government due to the fact that the church can extend their tax exempt status to those projects. (Even my evangelical and rather conservative father is becoming disgusted with how American churches are — in his opinion, at least — abusing their tax exempt status by the things they claim as “church owned.”) In my mind, all of this outrage underscores the deep-seated belief that Christians have the right to decide what constitutes a “religion” deserving of Constitutionally protected status.

Now, having said that, I have to admit that I have my own concerns about this decision. For example, according to the article, the court ruling indicated that scholing costs can be declared if said schooling increases their likelihood of employment and personal income. I find myself wondering how attending a school for witches reasonably does either. Unless the Netherlands actually allows for professional witches to hire out their services — and for all I know, they do — I don’t see how this improves their employability. I’ve never seen a job opportunity where my circle casting or chanting skills have been all that relevant, let alone something that would give me a “leg up” on my competitors for the position. I might be able to argue that there are subtle life skills I have learned as I’ve practiced my Craft that have contributed to my effectiveness as an employee. However, that would be tough to argue. And it would be nearly impossible to argue that I’d specifically learned those skills thanks to a school in witchcraft. I’m just not sure how someone can reasonably demonstrate that an “education in witchcraft” has improved their employability except in very rare cases. (The other possibility that comes to mind is that one could become a professional tarot reader. But again, I can think of alternative — and cheaper — routes to get set up in that line of business.)

Of course, given where my interest lie, the idea of a “school” where you “learn witchcraft” — and pay for it, no less — just makes me bristle. The taking of money implies that anyone who can pay the almost $3000 and attend all the courses will become a witch. As I understand witchcraft, that’s not how things work. Being a witch is learning more than the “right stuff.” It’s as much about attitude and the ability to see things in a certain way as it is about knowing the right things — or even knowing how to do the right things. And these are things that one cannot guarantee a student will learn.

Now having said that, I’m sure that the people going to this school all learn something. And whatever they may be learning might be valuable. I’m just not sure it’ll always be “witchcraft” that they’ve learned. And I certainly don’t think it guarantees that every student who completes the course of study will attain “witchhood.”

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.