Personal Development

Good day

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Today was a very good day. I think my television stayed off for almost the entire day, which is a good thing. It’s days like today that remind me that I watch the darn thing too much. This is sad because despite the fact that I tell myself I do it to relax, I don’t find watching television all that relaxing.

What I did find relaxing today was taking a blanket outdoors and laying in the yard reading a books. It was quite peaceful and enjoyable. Since I laid out in the backyard inside the area that’s fenced in, I also took Precious out with me. So my little kitty cat got to run around exploring her outdoor kingdom while I’d read. or she’d lay down on one of the flat stones in the shade. It was really quite cute.

Every now and then, Precious would decided she needed my affection. So she’d zoom over to me and meow at me. I’d set down my book (after all, paying attention to an affectionate cat is better than any book I’ve ever read), and pet her for a bit. After a few seconds, she’d decide that all was well with her world, and she’d zoom off to do her own thing. Thus freed up, I’d pick up my book and read another five or six pages before Little Miss Adventurous would decide to repeat the process. It was quite cute, really.

My book of choice was “Break Up or Break Through.” I think I only have the current chapter to go plus two others. It’s been a pretty good book. Or at least it’s served my purposes. I think that under other circumstances, I’d find it way too much like other “self-help” books: insipid and with little real value. But at the same time, it’s been good for me, because the author is trying to talk about self-exploration, personal growth, and healing. As these are all things that I know I need to work on and have an idea of how to go about it, I’m finding the book helpful just in the sense that I can use parts of it as a “personal checklist.” I already understand the things she’s talking about, and can actually do them on a practical level. So her book is just helping to remind me of the tools I already have and am already familiar with.

Gender and Sexuality, Religion

Thirty Days

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For the first time ever, I watched the show “Thirty Days” tonight. My friend Beth told me about it, and I wanted to check it out. I particularly wanted to watch tonight’s episode, as it was about a young (mid-twenties) conservative Christian from Detroit who went to live with a gay roommate in the middle of San Francisco’s Castro District for thirty days. I was pleasantly surprised by the show, and I wanted to take a few moments to review and critique it.

To be honest, when I originally heard about the details, I wasn’t entirely thrilled. I took issue with sending the guy to San Francisco. San Francisco is the “gay mecca” of the United States, and as such, I don’t feel it’s a very accurate representation of the lives of most gay people. Those of us wholive outside of San Francisco (and possibly NYC) tend to live more isolated lives and have to deal more directly with straight people much more often. As such, I wasn’t sure that sending someone to San Francisco was the best way to give them a clear view of what it’s like to live life as a gay man.

Having watched the show, I have to admit that I find it necessary to reevaluate my opinion. An essential byproduct of sending Ryan to live in the Castro District was that it caused Ryan to be the one who was isolated. He was a straight, conservative Christian surrounded by a bunch of gay guys. If Ryan really thinks about that experience (and I get the impression he did and will), it probably gave him a much more clear idea of what many of us experience every day than we realize. This understanding would come to him by being in an analogous situation himself.

He got a first taste of this kind of experience his first night in town. Ed, Ryan’s thirty-something roommate for the month, took him to dinner with eleven other gay guys. Having watched the footage, I have to admit that I hope the dinner conversation was highly edited. Every conversation focused on homosexuality and issues relating to it. And in a number of instances, the twelve gay guys put Ryan a bit on the defensive. (I have to admit that Ryan handled himself relatively well under the circumstances, too.) At one point, one of the gay guys even asked Ryan about how many times he’s had people on the street throw beer cans at him. Ryan said never, and the person who asked the question indicated that it had happened to him more than once.

While there, Ryan also attended MCC services on at least two Sundays and had a number of meeting with the minister. To be honest, I was somewhat disappointed with this part of the program. If what I saw was an accurate representation of the MCC, I don’t think I’d be impressed at all. They aired brief segments from two of the services that Ryan attended, and both services went on about homosexuality. If this is a regular practice at every church service, I would have a serious problem with that, as there should be more to religion and spirituality than just sexuality. (And this is coming from someone who serves a goddess who values sexuality extremely highly!) Similarly, Ryan’s meetings with the minister appeared to focus entirely on the topic of homosexuality, and there was a lot of head-butting there. It just seemed to me that there should have been an equal amount of searching for common ground as there was in arguing over this one topic. (Though I do give them credit for apparently keeping it more or less civil.)

They took Ryan to a gay bar. Let me just say “Wow!” Ryan did not find that the greatest of experiences, and I can’t say as I completely blame him. There were a large number of barely dressed men (some looked to me as if they were running around in only briefs), and it definitely had the “meat market atmosphere” — even moreso than the two clubs I have been to. One of the patrons picked a (verbal) fight with Ryan, which I felt was rather stupid. Though on the flip side, having had conservative people pick similar kinds of fights with me, I do have to admit that I felt it wasn’t an entirely bad thing for Ryan to have to experience.

After that, Ed felt that Ryan was getting too frustrated and upset. So Ed took Ryan to join a gay softball team. I found it interesting that the team actually played in a league where all the other teams were (mostly?) straight. It was nice to see that the team wasn’t totally isolationist in nature, and played teams that were not all-gay.

During his time playing softball, Ryan got to spend time with his team’s coach, Charles. Ryan gained a lot of respect for Charles, realizing that he broke all of the gay stereotypes. And later, Ryan got to hear Charles’s coming out story. Charles was one of those (hopefully) rare people who actually got thrown out of his house by his parents (he was 12 at the time) when he came out. Charles also indicated that at the time, he was highly religious and “went to bed every night, praying to wake up and be ‘normal’ the next morning.” Ryan was very silent about this, and I think this story really confronted some of his own preconceived notions.

Ryan did make a few enemies at the local “gay chapter” of the VFW. Being a Reservice, Ryan has strong opinions on gays in the military. This did not go over well with the veterans he was speaking with. Both sides got quite upset. However, it did lead to an interesting discussion with Ed later that same day. When he got back to the apartment, Ryan and Ed talked about it. Ryan asked Ed to try to understand why a bunch of straight soldiers might have a problem with having a gay guy in the barracks. (Personally, I think straight guys have a problem with it because they’re afraid gay guys will treat them as poorly as they themselves treat women, but that’s besides the point.) Ed then turned around and asked Ryan about a hypothetical question. He asked Ryan to suppose that things went really bad in teh Middle East and that the United States found themselves at war with the whole region. This would probably mean that they’d have to reinstate the draft. So Ed asked Ryan to suppose that he (Ed) was drafted and ended up in Ryan’s unit to serve during war. He asked Ryan whether he’d rather put up with Ed as a gay man serving with him or possibly not having enough manpower beside him to keep him and the rest of his unit safe.

Ryan actually admitted that he had to contradict himself. He admitted that having gotten to know Ed as a person over the past several days, he’d have no problem serving with him specifically. In fact, Ryan admitted that he felt that Ed had a lot to offer the military. As such, Ryan found himself having to reevaluate his blanket statement about gays in the military, and I respect him for having the integrity to admit that.

Ed also took Ryan to meet his family, which was an eye opening experience. While there, all of the men (Ryan, Ed, Ed’s father, and Ed’s brother) shot firearms. In a brief interview afterwards, Ryan admitted that it gave him a chance to see Ed as not just a gay guy but a brother, a son, and an uncle. And he was amazed at how his family treated him.

Ryan also attended a PFLAG meeting, where he got to talk to a father whose daughter came out to him her sophomore year in college. He got to listen to this father talk about his fears and worries, and his desire to see his daughter treated with the same respect and dignity a her two straight brothers. Ryan said this also touched his heart.

There was a lot more that happened, but I’m not going to go into everything. These are the experiences that really struck me, and I wanted to share them, as well as my brief thoughts in them. In closing, I’d like to talk about the brief segment in the show where Ryan eventually went home. He spent his first night home showing photos to his family and talking about his experiences. They only showed about thirty seconds to a minute of the discussion, but it was amazing to watch. His family asked all kinds of questions, and it seemed to me that Ryan was a bit troubled and shocked by the questions. Ryan himself admitted that when he got home and talked with his family that night, he really saw how much he had grown. He saw his own earlier attitudes and how much he had bought into the stereotypes reflected in his family now. He said that realizing how much he had bought into the stereotypes was the most powerful result of the experience. He found himself having to reevaluate his opinions.

I get the impression that his religious beliefs about homosexuality didn’t change as a result. To be honest, that’s okay (well, sorta). It would be unreasonable to expect such a change to happen just because of a thirty day experience. However, I did feel that he came away with a rather different perspective and that he did find his preconceived notions challenged in many ways. And I think that he should be commended to being open to that.

Paganism

Witches Weekly — Clergy

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I’ve not been keeping up with Witches Weekly. However, I decided to take a peek at this week’s questions. Having looked at them, I decided they were well worth answering.

1. What do you think the role of pagan clergy is in our society/communities?

To e honest, I’m not big on “clergy.” I personally have no use for them. Furthermore, a part of me would rather encourage the Pagan community as a whole to avoid them altogether.

However, this is because of the form of witchcraft that I practice. I am looking to join a priesthood, and become a direct priest and servant of the gods. As such, I don’t expect to need or want the help of clergyperson. Sure, I might need some advice or assistance from time to time, but I can get that from a sister or brother witch.

Some people aren’t interested in the kind of service I’m looking to take on, though. And I’m starting to understand that some Pagans still need and want trained clergy to offer pastoral, counseling, and similar services to them. I can respect that. However, as that’s not something I’m entirely interested in having or offering, I’ll leave that to those who are interested.

2. If there was a pagan temple in your community like the Temple of Sekhmet, would you use it for a place to hold handfasting, naming, and coming of age rituals?

I don’t really know, to be honest. My initial reaction is to say no, however. For example, not being a devotee of Sekhmet, I would find it inappropriate to use a temple dedicated to her for my services. (Just as I’d personally find it inappropriate to get married in my old church.)

If it was a “general” temple not dedicated to any specific deity, I suppose I might consider it. But even then, it would depend on a large number of factors and circumstances. I think of the specific rituals mentioned and I’m not sure I’d have any of those events be a public rite anyway. If I were to have a handfasting, it would be a magical ceremony that woudl be held with my covenmates as a private affair. As such, we would probably have a private temple or workspace we would use instead. Even if we chose to use a public temple for some reason, we would probably work the rites ourselves and not involve those who run the temple.

Specifically on the subject of the handfasting, I should note that I do not intend to have a public handfasting. If my lover and I decide to have a public ceremony at all, it will be extremely simple and mostly civil. To be honest, the majority of my family wouldn’t show up just because I’d be marrying another man. I don’t need to add the complication of throwing a lot of “Pagan mumbo jumbo” at them. (Besides, they’re not welcome to my spiritual and magical rites, anyway.)

3. Would you feel comfortable getting counseling from a member of the pagan community?

This is not an easy yes or no question, in my book. To be perfectly blunt, if I am lookig for a counselor, that counselor’s religious practices are not my primary concern. I’m not sure they’re even in my list of concerns at all. Sure, I might want a counselor who is “Pagan friendly” — or at least doesn’t see my belief in Pagan gods and magic as something that needs to be “cured.” If I can find a counselor I can work with, though, I don’t care if she or he is Pagan, Buddhist, atheist, or even a fundamentalist Christian. The primary concern is “can I work with this person to work through the healing process I’m here for?” Nothing else.

Family, Friends, Introspection, Love, Personal Development, Randomness, Work

Bits and bobs

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I haven’t put an update in here lately. I thought I’d go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.

We’ll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn’t an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.

I am leaving a number of message boards. I’m starting to discover that they’re little more than “distractions” to me. I really don’t get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don’t have much to offer there, either. So it’s time to “cut bait,” so to speak.

In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won’t be too far in the future.

I’m thinking over a couple of projects I’m considering working on. I don’t want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it’d be good to indicate that I’m looking to make life more productive.

I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I’m not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.

Paganism

Charge of the Bunny Goddess

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I don’t normally cut and paste other people’s stuff in my blog, but this really gave me a chuckle.

The Charge of the Bunny Goddess
by Gwen Wolfrose

Listen to the words of the Great Fluff she who of old is known as Amethyst MoonPixie, Mosscovered Rosequartz, Moonwater Firedancer, Keltic Dragondream, Lady Mooncrystal HPS, Lady Raven, Malibu SparkleBarbie, and Wiccan MacMorrigan, and by many other names, most of them made up by an online name generator:

Whenever you have need of anything once in the month, and better it be when the bookstore is still open, then shall you gather and adore me, who am Queen of all Bunnies. There shall you gather, you who desire to learn the true Art of Bunnycraft, yet have not grown in your furry undercoat; to these I will teach the esoterism of true fluffiness. And you shall be free from anything that is not white light goodness; and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall quote Scott Cunningham as gospel, put curses on those who call you names, bless everyone with white light happiness, redefine everything so that it fits your way of thinking, and demand that the so called dark gods are just misunderstood, never again the burning times… except for Satanists, we can still burn them since they aren’t pagan anyway. For I am covered with fur behold my cuteness. Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it and if anyone tries to stop you, change your screen name and rejoin their list to teach them a lesson. For mine is the determination to stomp out darkness wherever it may be whether they like it or not.

I am the Queen Mother Fluffer, Who can give the Gift of Joy unto the heart of man or woman so long as you are life affirming and positive ONLY. On Earth, I give the Knowledge that honesty is a crime if I do not agree with it; and beyond death, we will not discuss since death is a negative concept. I do not demand sacrifice, for behold; opening up a book does not require that much effort.

Hear ye the Words of the Bunny Goddess: She Whose Feet are fuzzy and soft, Whose Body encircleth the book store especially the Llewellyn shelf.

I, Who am the Fluffy Queen of the Earth and the White Light amongst the Internet, and the Mystery of why BTW’s don’t like it when I say Wicca is anything I want it to be because Scott said so, and the Desire to make up lies about them to make myself look like a hero to the other fluffers. I call unto thy soul, all ye who would be Bunnies: Arise! And come unto Me!

For I am the Soul of the Bunny, Who giveth Only Positive Life Affirming White Light to the Universe: from Me all things proceed, and unto Me nothing must return because it’s your bad karma not mine so there. And before My Face, which is fuzzy and soft and known to all gods who are all benevolent, thine innermost Bunny Self shall be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bunny.

Let My Worship be within the heart that tolerates no darkness, for behold: all acts in the name of white light goodness and fluffiness are my rituals especially if Scott wrote it. And therefore let there be white light and fluff within you.

And thou who thinkest to seek for Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if thou do not own a Scott Cunningham book and seekest Me, then thou shalt never find Me unless you google Me or join an email list full of my Children which are many because I am a Bunny after all…

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am That which is attained at the end of Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner or the middle if you can’t be bothered to read the whole thing.

Copyright 2004 Gwen Wolfrose, all rights reserved.
May be reposted anywhere so long as this copyright is included.

Paganism, Rants

Web research is crap

You know, the Internet is a wonderful thing. The World Wide Web is a spectacular thing. It’s a medium for the creative process that is available to many people far and wide. Diary sites like this one is a testament to that great fact. All of us on here can express our innermost thoughts, our most outrageous opinions, the fruits of our research on our favorite topic, and even our favorite cake recipe. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

The problem is, that’s also the greatest weakness of it all. The truth is, any slob can write something and throw it up on a webserver for the world to see. It doesn’t matter how ill-informed his opinion is, how disturbing his thoughts are, how uncritical his research is, or how disgusting his idea of the perfect cake tastes. Reasonably intelligent people figure this out quite quickly.

So why the hell is it that when a newbie wants to find out about Paganism and Wicca, the first thing they do is use this dubious resource as their primary — or worse, sole — source of information on the topic? Why is it they’re willing to accept whatever someone who learned how to submit a link to www.witchvox.com says without a second of critical thought? Oh wait, I know! Because Wicca and Paganism is comprised of “anything goes” philosophy. I say “Phooey!” And that’s being polite!

I’ll be honest. Half the crap out there is just that, crap. Half of the sites are put up by someone who read one or two books (and I’ll get into how crappy some of those books are some other time), decided they had it all figured out, and decided to share their “wisdom” with the world. Of course, half of them are really just sharing the “wisdom” some other author (book or web) already shared, often by copying their exact words. (We won’t go into the number of times I’ve found certain things online that were copied directly out of one of Scott Cunningham’s book without so much as a citation.)

I’m sorry, but if you’re too cheap to actually go out and buy a book on the religion you’re interested in (or here’s a crazy idea, see if you can borrow a copy through a library), you don’t have nearly enough dedication to follow it. Pick up a hobby instead, and start looking to explore your spirituality when you can put some real work into it.

Rants, Religion, Work

Religious Rant/Ramblings

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Today was a pretty good day. I didn’t get a lot of work done, but I did enough to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with guilt. Primarily, I rewrote all of my PCI-X code for the new processor. That was quite an adventure, as I had to handle three different PCI-X cores on the same processor. I hope that all works when I get a chance to finally test it. Of course, that won’t be until the middle of next month, by the look of it.

I spent more of they day putzing around online. Particularly, I spent a good deal of time getting highly annoyed at the one topic on one of the religious forums I visit. Someone started a thread called “Ask a Pagan,” for people to ask all kinds of questions about Paganism. Unfortunately, while a few people have asked some interesting and probing questions, most have taken the opportunity to ask pointed questions to prove why Paganism is “wrong.”

That just annoys me. Why is it that some people have to be such jerks? Why is it that any opportunity to learn about another religion has to be used as a way to “trap” that religion in some way to disprove it? Why can’t more people be like Stace, who sincerely asks questions to better understand others and their viewpoints? But I guess that takes maturity. And my experience, maturity is something that’s severely lacking in our society today. Instead, everything has to be turned into a penis-measuring contest of one sort or another.

Of course, I have to admit that I found a lot of the Pagans’ answers trite, boring, and annoying, too. For starters, they let themselves get dragged into the whole “how can all paths be valid” argument, though “abyss that pretends to be an argument” might be more accurate. Truthfully, I’m not sure I care for the whole “all paths are valid” model anyway. I think there has to be a decent middle ground between saying “I have a monopoly on truth” and sayng “well, everything anyone wants to believe is true.” Of course, this gets into bigger questions as to what constitutes “valid” and whatnot. And while I could probably go on a lengthy ramble abou that, I’m not sure I care to at this time. Let me just say that I think it’s time to say, “Truth is a very complex thing and I think that people can have equally accurate and yet distinct perceptions of truth, but it is not my concern to determine or comment on the ‘validity’ of any particular claims of truth.” But that probably only makes sense to me, and that’s subject to change.

Health, Work

Health Stuff and Job Stuff

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I haven’t been online for a couple days, so I have a handful of events to talk about in this entry. We’ll start out with the fun news from Dr. Lee. He had someone in his office call my house yesterday. He’s instructed me to discontinue my glyburide over the weekend on an experimental basis. I am supposed to take my blood glucose readings as normal and then send them to him Monday mornng. He’ll check them and determine from that whether to make it permanent. Last night, my blood glucose was roughly 110 and this morning, it was 89. So by the looks of it, I may officially be done with one of my medications! How awesome.

I’m also down another pound or so, too. According to the scale at work, I’m somewhere between 275 and 276 pounds. Considering I started this trek at 311 last November, I think that’s fantastic. My coworker, Mike W., saw me at the job fair (I’ll have to write about that too). I was wearing a pair of black pants, a red dress shirt, and a burgandy sweater over top it. He said that with the wait loss, I looked absolutely incredible. I thought I looked darn good in it too, but it was nice to hear someone else say it. I was going to post a picture of it, but Mom didn’t get home until an hour after I did on Thursday, and by then, I was ready to change into something different. The sweater was just a tad bit too warm in the house.

Yeah, I went to a “job fair” (and I use the term loosely) for Lockheed Martin. They were mainly holding it for their Owego facility (though they did have their Syracuse facility represented too), since they’re looking to fill over 700 new positions. I’m not sure I want to work for Lockheed Martin (and after yesterday, I’m even less sure), but I figured I’d check it out. I learned exactly one thing while I was there. I was way underprepared. I might have gotten more out of it if I had spent a few days scouring their website and printing out and reading specific job listings they have posted. That way, I could have asked questions about specific jobs I was looking at. As it was, I had about four or five general questions to ask. They didn’t even have project descriptions or anything there. I was expecting it to be much more informational on their part, and it was quite obvious that they were expecting to collect hundreds of resume and spend between thirty seconds and two minutes chit-chatting with each person. I tend to agree with Mom when she heard about it and commented it didn’t sound like much of a “job fair” to her.

Of course, the thing that really got me was the one manager from the software engineering department I spoke to. He asked me what my GPA was. Now, I will be the first to admit that I haven’t done a lot of inteviews in the last seven years. But the few interviews I did five years ago when looking for my current job, I didn’t have one single person ask about my GPA. By that time, most of them were interested in the three years of in-field experience I’ve had since school. I would’ve expected that eight years later, any potential employers would be even more interested in my experience. So to even be asked about my GPA seemed weird.

And then when I told him that I got a 3.06 GPA, he commented that “made the cut, but just barely.” And then he told me that I’d have a lot of competition. If I would’ve been thinking more clearly at the time (I was a bit shocked by this time), I probably would’ve told him to fuck off at that point. That probably would’ve been a bad idea, so it’s just as well I was too shocked at the time. But it sure makes me want to go with my first instinct to find a job that isn’t with Lockheed Martin.

Work

Even though I’ve been expecting it…

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My company dropped the big bombshell on everybody today. At 11:00am this morning, everyone in the office was gathered up for a meeting, where the big wigs from the main office announced that our office in Ithaca would be closing before the end of the year. I was one of the 50% of the office’s staff that was not offered an opportunity to relocate to one of the offices that will remain open. That means that as of July 1, I will need an alternate source of employment. I wasn’t really planning on moving anyway, but the fact that it’s not an option came as a bit of a shock.

To be honest, I’m not totally surprised by this. I’ve suspected since ADIC bought out Pathlight that they would eventually decide to close the Ithaca office, forcing all of us to either relocate or find other jobs. I’ve expected it at every “office-wide” meeting we’ve had in the past four years. But for some reason, expecting it didn’t really prepare me for it. I’m still finding mysef shocked. I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. Granted, I’m not the emotional wreck some of the others were (it helps that I didn’t just buy a new house like some of them), but I’m still in a bit of a state of emotional disarray.

I suppose in the great scheme of things, I can just take this in stride. After all, for the past year, I’ve been thinking about getting a different job, one that’s closer to Mike so that I can eventually move there too. This incident just provides me with a strong motivation to do more than just think about it, I suppose. And I can be thankful that if I want it, I still have a guaranteed job until July 1. That’s almost a full six months where I can look for a job without having to worry about how to pay bills in the meantime.

Part of me wants to run right out to the job sites. Part of me wants to fire up Word and start my resume right now (I don’t think I have an old copy of it anymore). And I’m proud of that part of me. I’m glad that I have that “never say die” spirit somewhere in me and that I’m willing to keep going. But on the same hand, I don’t think I’m going to do it quite yet. Taking the bull by the horns is good, but reacting is bad. And I think that if I started these things now, I’d be doing it reactively. And that could lead to mistakes. For now, I think I’m going to instead make a decision to give myself time — at least until the end of the week — and let the emotional impact and reactions of the announcement to work their way through my system. Then I can channel my desire to act more wisely.

Introspection

Letting go of the “undo button”

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I was an idiot. I read an entry on one of Susan’s diaries. And I gave my opinion. Thing is, like an idiot, I didn’t check out my assumptions before hand. Generally a bad idea, I know. But every now and then, I do something dumb. I found out I was wrong. Acknowledged it, and apologized.

Of course, I considered just deleting the comment. I thought about it for….all of thirty seconds, I think. I eventually realized that I was looking down a metophorical road that started in that direction, and I decided I didn’t like where that road led. So in the end, I decided that for me, deleting the comment was a bad idea.

You see, for me, it’s too easy to treat the handy “delete comment” feature as an “undo button.” I think everyone’s familiar with the “undo button,” right? I think we all wanted one when we were a kids. (Heck, I find myself wondering if you ever really stop wanting one when you’re an adult.) If you did something wrong, you’d press your magic “undo button,” and it would magically make it all right, as if what you did never happened. No guilt. No hard feelings. No lectures from Mom. No extra chores or days without television.

Even as an adult, I have to admit that I would love an “undo” button. I’d like to be able to undo the mistakes I’ve made at work and the problems I’ve created with coworkers so I didn’t have to spend time rebuilding a sense of teamwork and trust with them, for one example.

And to me, that’s what the delete option feels like. It’s a way for me to go, “I can delete that comment and make it as if I never left it.” In this case, I probably could’ve even done so. After all, Susan wasn’t online. She hadn’t seen it yet.

But the thing is, I did leave it. And I don’t feel right about pretending I didn’t. Even if no one else knows about it. I’d be deceiving everyone but myself. And I’d be trying to deceive myself in the process, on some level. And that thought bothers me a great deal.

The other thing is, it seems to me that an “undo button” — even one that just let’s you pretend you never did something stupid but doesn’t really “undo” it — would have the side effect of removing reminders of the lessons I learned from my mistakes. After all, how can I learn from a mistake I’m pretending never happened? How can I do so even if I just try to forget it ever happened?

To me, leaving that comment there is about character building the hard way. It serves as a reminder to me — and let’s everyone else know about it, which I think is good in some ways, too — that says, “Hey, remember what happened the last time you spoke without making sure your facts were straight? Maybe you ought to make sure you’re not doing that again.”

It’s painful, but then isn’t that the nature of character building?

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.