Over the weekend, I’ve decided that it’s time to slowly institute some changes in my life. I’d love to say that I’m going to do them all, and that’s my eventual desire, but I don’t want to set up a goal I find I’m unable (or unwilling) to keep, only berate myself for the failure. So I think I’m going to make this a long term list of things I plan to accomplish over the next several months. Some of them may happen overnight, others may take a while. And some may be “hit or miss” in that I do them for a while, but then slack off. In that case, I’m giving myself permission ahead of time to accept it when it happens and just eventually start back up again.
First, I’ve decided I need to put some effort into decorating my house. I’ve already started by putting out my singing bowl and getting a bear figurine for the end table in the living room. And I have a plaque to hang by the door that says “Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much.” I’ll also have to figure out where I want to hang my picture of Icarus, and work on getting other items.
You see, I’m terrible at house-keeping. The living room is a complete mess, the kitchen table is all cluttered up (though it’s a lot better now that I spent twenty minutes going through a lot of the clutter, tossing junk, and finding homes for some of the important stuff), and the carpet is in desparate need of vacuuming. I think the reason for this is that I don’t think of this house as a home yet, so I don’t treat it like my home. (I’d never be this messy in someone else’s home, so why would I treat my own home like this?) So I think I need to invest a little time and effort into making the place look and feel like a home, my home. Hopefully, once I put the effort into it, I’ll take more pride in it, and keep it a bit tidier.
The next thing I want to do is to spend more time out of the house on a regular basis. I’ve slowly been withdrawing into solitude, and that’s not good. Last month, I realized that working on the POC was consuming too much of my time, so I backed off so I could have a life. Well, now it’s time to have more of a life. I’ve spent all of last week and some of today out and about and it’s done wonders for my state of mind, I think.
This is going to be hard for me to keep up with, though. It’s going to be a mental juggling act for a while. After all, I’ll still be going out on my own. And that means that there’ll come a point were I’ll start to wonder why I’m bothering. After all, what difference does it make whether I go out or stay in if I’m still on my own either way? But the going out is good. And it leaves open at least the possibility of interraction.
As an aside, I have noticed I’ve been a bit more social when in public recently. For example, while I was at Eastview Mall yesterday, I found myself walking behind this family. The little girl, about four or five I think, was pestering her mother, saying she wanted something. The mother turned to the little girl and said blatantly, “And I want a million dollars. Are you going to give it to me?” The little girl ran ahead (to bug her father I think) and I walked up next to the woman, smiled, and said, “I really loved your response,” and we both laughed at that. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like that. Between that and making more eye contact (like turning around and saying “thank you” or “you too” to a store clerk when they wish me a good day as I’m leaving rather than just mumbling it as I continue out the door), I think I’m starting to make progress in being more socially engaging. Hopefully, this is a good sign that continues to develop into a lasting change.
I’m also working on getting more physical activity in throughout the week. My original goal (as of two weeks ago) was to go to the fitness center they just added to my apartment complex three times a week. I didn’t meet that goal last week and probably won’t this week. But considering the amount of time I was on the my feet at the zoo, in the malls, walking around downtown State College, walking along the Susquehanna River, and checking out Highland Park, I just don’t feel it’s been necessary. I’ve had plenty of physical activity.
One thing that’s conspicuously absent from my list of goals is losing weight. Sure, that’s something I want to do at some point. But I feel it needs to wait. I need to learn to like myself how I am now, I think. I need to allow myself to feel and be attractive at my current size. Once I do that, I think I’ll have an easier time at setting, meeting, and maintaining weight loss goals. I think I’m currently sabotaging any such attempts with the belief that I’m not and can’t be attractive. And by association, I think that means I subconsciously can’t be thinner, because that would mean I’d also be good looking, which just can’t happen. So I need to work on the mental block where I am now before I can effectively seek to change that part of myself. (Gee, I hope that makes sense to someone else.)
The next six months should be interesting.