Entitled Assholes Online: Policing Emotions and Behavior

My previous installment of “Entitled Assholes Online” involved threats involved threats of physical violence.  While this installment will be devoid of such threats, I promise that it will not be any less manipulative, nor will it be lacking in its own awfulness.

By way of background, a few months ago, I posted the following ad online:

I’m a 38 year old computer professional looking to talk and connect with guys who are mature, funny, interesting, and personable. I tend to be the shy guy who is a total treasure and keeps a person in stitches once I get to know them enough to feel comfortable around them. I’d love to meet someone who enjoys movies, dining out, conversations that range anywhere from silly to deeply serious, and just having a good time. Someone who also believes in romance would be a good thing as well.

Drop me an email and lets see if we can relate.

I didn’t really expect it to get many, if any replies.  I posted it to a site that is notorious for hookup ads.  But I figured there was the lonely section that was clearly marked “romance, NO HOOKUPS” and there was nothing to lose by giving it a shot.

This is the first message I got from one guy:

I’m 225 6ft and 6in cock.
It is so hard to meet a nice guy to connect with. I’ve almost given up.  Looking for a good good friend.
Let’s talk.  Please send some kind of pic.

Attached to this message was FOUR PICTURES (or four copies of the same picture, I’m not sure which) of said cock.  And we’re not talking about this kind of cock, either:

rooster-j.jpg
I was flabbergasted and reviewed my ad, wondering what I said that would give any indication that this was the kind of reply I wanted.  After reassuring myself that I had made it pretty clear I was looking for romance and a chance to get to know a guy and just not what he was hiding in his pants, I sent a reply:

Wow.  Four pictures of your penis, but none of your face.  You told me how tall and how heavy you are, but not your name.  You say you’re looking to connect, yet you’ve told me nothing that might help us find a point of common interest.

I think it’s safe to say you responded to the wrong craigslist ad.  Your actions make it pretty evident to me that we’re looking for different things.

I figured that would be the end of it, but I got a reply from the guy:

Yea I know sorry.  It’s hard to figure this out.  I’m not really ok with sharing face pic right away.  It’s ok.  Never mind.  Just trying to connect with someone.  πŸ™‚

Okay, I could get that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing a face picture right off the bat, though it did leave me wondering if he was another closet case.  I figured he responded, so I’d offer some admittedly unsolicited advice:

Bit of helpful advice then:  When answering an ad that talks about romance and never mentions sex, try starting with, “Hi, my name is ___.  My hobbies and interests include _____.”  Go from there.

If you’re just looking for sex – and that’s how your email came across – then don’t respond to ads that talk about romance and never mention sex.  Instead, respond to ads that have titles like “looking to get fucked tonight” or “nsa fun.”

I figured that would be enough to make it clear that he really should either revise his approach or stick to ads that were more geared toward casual sex and anonymous anyway.

He replied:

IC.  Ok thanks.  Good point.  Well that’s why I responded to the add.  I do want romance and not just sex.  I need a guy I can hang out with and play golf or basketball with.  But I do want sex…  I just now it’s not all about sex.  :). Well Im am also married and need discretion.  Anyway….

FYI,  you sound univiting and angry.  Did mean to set ya off.  Just sayin…

At this point, I was livid.  Note that it took him three emails before he admitted that not only is he closeted, but he’s married.  So he’s looking for someone to sneak around with behind his wife’s back.  I saw nothing in my ad (go read it again) that suggested I was interested in being some married man’s dirty little secret.  Quite frankly, I pretty much find “Gee, thanks for letting me fuck you, now I got to get back to my wife” the antithesis of romance.  Others are free to disagree, of course.

And that bit about “sounding uninviting and angry”?  Pure manipulative and entitled bullshit.  (And agin, I suspect this is something my female readers could write entire dissertations on and lecture me on for hours.)  Did he really expect me to be grateful for any attention from him or any other guy?  Was I supposed to simply bend over for whoever expressed interest?  It sure seemed that way.  I shot off my final message, deciding it was time to remind him that he’s not the only one that has expectations, wants, and needs:

Ah, so you’re looking for a friend wirh benefits that you can hang out with and have sex with before going back to your wife.

Did you see the part where I said I was looking for romance?  Have you considered what I want at all?  Have you considered how your current situation runs contrary to what I said I’m looking for right up front?  Because it sure doesn’t look like it from where I’m sitting.

If I seem angry, it’s because I am angry.  Frankly, I think it’s an understandable emotional response, given how you approached me compared to what I said I was looking for.  Wouldn’t you agree?

And if I seem uninviting, it’s because your every action so far has left me finding you an unlikely prospect in terms of what *I’m* looking for.

He got in the last word:

Right.  Friends with benefits.  But friends can be romantic too.  Anyway.  I see we are not a fit.  Thanks and good luck.  πŸ™‚

Now, I don’t know.  Maybe some people do act romantically toward friends.  That’s just not my experience.  And quite frankly, this guy hadn’t shown any indication that he was capable of romance or even understood romance as I understand it.  Like I said, I don’t find it romantic to get all sexed up and then abandoned for the wife.  (And that’s really not cool for the wife either.)

I’ll also note that he didn’t even acknowledge my question about whether he thought my anger was understandable.  Once again, he demonstrated that he didn’t want to even consider my point of view or my needs.  He simply wants someone to give him what he wants and feel satisfied with whatever — if anything — he feels like giving in return.

And I loved how he mentioned that he saw weren’t a good fit.  Gee, I’m pretty sure I said that five messages earlier in the exchange.

4 thoughts on “Entitled Assholes Online: Policing Emotions and Behavior”

  1. Okay, so… explain to me why you call this blog the musings of a confused man? ‘Cause you seem like one of the least confused men I’ve ever met.

    But, yeah. “Uninviting and angry” indeed. That’s a very nice example of throwing up a BS criticism as a smokescreen.

    It might be worth noting that a lot of people who have affairs *do* seem to be looking for “romance” – for a sort of spark or excitement that they feel their marriage lacks. So I can sort of see why he might not understand why you have trouble seeing him as someone looking for romance; in his mind, he probably *is* looking for romance.

    Admittedly, it’s a rather juvenile definition of romance that focuses mainly on that emotional high; and if you feel like your marriage lacks romance, you ought to either A) fix that, or B) get a divorce before you go looking for romance elsewhere. So I don’t mean to defend the guy at all.

  2. LOL! No worries, Michael, I had no delusions that you’d defend such a guy.

    One of the things that I’m noticing about guys like this (and I’m probably going to make a blog post about this) is that they seem to want…something (personally, I’m inclined to think it’s primarily sexual fulfillment)…from other guys while maintaining their (appearance of) heterosexual normality and privilege based on their marriage. In fact, I think that the fact that I have openly given up any pretenses of being heterosexual means in their minds that I have accepted non-privileged status and should simply give them whatever they want.

    As for the blog title, there’s a page for that. Thanks for the compliment, though. πŸ˜‰

  3. Oh, that sort of confused: what Keats referred to as Negative Capability. Well, yes. In that case I can easily see how you can be confused, perceptive, eloquent, and – um – grounded, all at the same time.

  4. I’m wondering (as a woman) why you respond at all to these guys. I’m not saying you’re wrong to do so, just that it’s different from what I would do, and that makes me curious. If someone did these sorts of things to me, I’d definitely be adding them to the ignore list without responding to them. But I suppose if you did do that then there wouldn’t be a blog post to read and it’s important to talk about this stuff.

    I would be seriously creeped out by these sorts of messages, and might even leave a site altogether if I got enough of them.

    I haven’t come across this sort of thing too much on the lesbian sites/chatrooms I’ve hung out on (except for the occasional straight guy “hi do you mind if I masturbate while we chat?”). Lesbians in my experience don’t tend to start conversations with strangers by saying “hi! I’m a D cup. Here, have some crappy cell phone pics.”

    Anyway, there was one once that I couldn’t ignore because it real life harassment and there I did try to dialogue and talk him into leaving me alone. It didn’t work too well, because he couldn’t see beyond what he wanted to understand that it was possible for the two of us to not want the same thing, and I finally had to move to a new flat to get away from it.

    I guess it’s good that there are places for people who want to know nothing more about their potential partners than their respective cocks’ length and circumference but I wish there were more places for people who are looking for the sorts of things you’re looking for. I’ve known a few gay men who had similar trouble finding romance online. It’s hard, and I wish you good luck with your search.

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