My previous installment of “Entitled Assholes Online” involved threats involved threats of physical violence. While this installment will be devoid of such threats, I promise that it will not be any less manipulative, nor will it be lacking in its own awfulness.
By way of background, a few months ago, I posted the following ad online:
I’m a 38 year old computer professional looking to talk and connect with guys who are mature, funny, interesting, and personable. I tend to be the shy guy who is a total treasure and keeps a person in stitches once I get to know them enough to feel comfortable around them. I’d love to meet someone who enjoys movies, dining out, conversations that range anywhere from silly to deeply serious, and just having a good time. Someone who also believes in romance would be a good thing as well.
Drop me an email and lets see if we can relate.
I didn’t really expect it to get many, if any replies. I posted it to a site that is notorious for hookup ads. But I figured there was the lonely section that was clearly marked “romance, NO HOOKUPS” and there was nothing to lose by giving it a shot.
This is the first message I got from one guy:
I’m 225 6ft and 6in cock.
It is so hard to meet a nice guy to connect with. I’ve almost given up. Looking for a good good friend.
Let’s talk. Please send some kind of pic.
Attached to this message was FOUR PICTURES (or four copies of the same picture, I’m not sure which) of said cock. And we’re not talking about this kind of cock, either:
I was flabbergasted and reviewed my ad, wondering what I said that would give any indication that this was the kind of reply I wanted. After reassuring myself that I had made it pretty clear I was looking for romance and a chance to get to know a guy and just not what he was hiding in his pants, I sent a reply:
Wow. Four pictures of your penis, but none of your face. You told me how tall and how heavy you are, but not your name. You say you’re looking to connect, yet you’ve told me nothing that might help us find a point of common interest.
I think it’s safe to say you responded to the wrong craigslist ad. Your actions make it pretty evident to me that we’re looking for different things.
I figured that would be the end of it, but I got a reply from the guy:
Yea I know sorry. It’s hard to figure this out. I’m not really ok with sharing face pic right away. It’s ok. Never mind. Just trying to connect with someone. 🙂
Okay, I could get that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing a face picture right off the bat, though it did leave me wondering if he was another closet case. I figured he responded, so I’d offer some admittedly unsolicited advice:
Bit of helpful advice then: When answering an ad that talks about romance and never mentions sex, try starting with, “Hi, my name is ___. My hobbies and interests include _____.” Go from there.
If you’re just looking for sex – and that’s how your email came across – then don’t respond to ads that talk about romance and never mention sex. Instead, respond to ads that have titles like “looking to get fucked tonight” or “nsa fun.”
I figured that would be enough to make it clear that he really should either revise his approach or stick to ads that were more geared toward casual sex and anonymous anyway.
IC. Ok thanks. Good point. Well that’s why I responded to the add. I do want romance and not just sex. I need a guy I can hang out with and play golf or basketball with. But I do want sex… I just now it’s not all about sex. :). Well Im am also married and need discretion. Anyway….
FYI, you sound univiting and angry. Did mean to set ya off. Just sayin…
At this point, I was livid. Note that it took him three emails before he admitted that not only is he closeted, but he’s married. So he’s looking for someone to sneak around with behind his wife’s back. I saw nothing in my ad (go read it again) that suggested I was interested in being some married man’s dirty little secret. Quite frankly, I pretty much find “Gee, thanks for letting me fuck you, now I got to get back to my wife” the antithesis of romance. Others are free to disagree, of course.
And that bit about “sounding uninviting and angry”? Pure manipulative and entitled bullshit. (And agin, I suspect this is something my female readers could write entire dissertations on and lecture me on for hours.) Did he really expect me to be grateful for any attention from him or any other guy? Was I supposed to simply bend over for whoever expressed interest? It sure seemed that way. I shot off my final message, deciding it was time to remind him that he’s not the only one that has expectations, wants, and needs:
Ah, so you’re looking for a friend wirh benefits that you can hang out with and have sex with before going back to your wife.
Did you see the part where I said I was looking for romance? Have you considered what I want at all? Have you considered how your current situation runs contrary to what I said I’m looking for right up front? Because it sure doesn’t look like it from where I’m sitting.
If I seem angry, it’s because I am angry. Frankly, I think it’s an understandable emotional response, given how you approached me compared to what I said I was looking for. Wouldn’t you agree?
And if I seem uninviting, it’s because your every action so far has left me finding you an unlikely prospect in terms of what *I’m* looking for.
He got in the last word:
Right. Friends with benefits. But friends can be romantic too. Anyway. I see we are not a fit. Thanks and good luck. 🙂
Now, I don’t know. Maybe some people do act romantically toward friends. That’s just not my experience. And quite frankly, this guy hadn’t shown any indication that he was capable of romance or even understood romance as I understand it. Like I said, I don’t find it romantic to get all sexed up and then abandoned for the wife. (And that’s really not cool for the wife either.)
I’ll also note that he didn’t even acknowledge my question about whether he thought my anger was understandable. Once again, he demonstrated that he didn’t want to even consider my point of view or my needs. He simply wants someone to give him what he wants and feel satisfied with whatever — if anything — he feels like giving in return.
And I loved how he mentioned that he saw weren’t a good fit. Gee, I’m pretty sure I said that five messages earlier in the exchange.