I’m on a lot of sites and mobile apps for meeting guys. Some of them are “traditional” dating sites. Some of them bill themselves for “flirting and chatting.” A few are unapologetic hookup sites (and apps that don’t call themselves hookup apps, but only because doing so would get them in trouble with Apple and possibly Google).
On all of them, I have a fairly nonsexual profile. No nude or even shirtless pictures. And while a given profile may give indication I’m open to sex (including sex outside of the bounds of a longterm or romantic relationship), I also make it clear that I’m looking for even more. Heck even my Grindr1 profile says the following:
Just a funny, friendly, and (allegedly) charming guy who likes to chat, laugh, and see what happens. Say hi.
For the BoyAhoy/Skout app (which is where the exchange this post is about took place), my “About Me” section is a bit longer:
I’m a wonderful guy who loves to laugh and make others laugh. I love making new friends and seeing how we connect.
I’m a romantic and often a goofy one at that. I’m very affectionate, compassionate and caring, but have a wild side to, if brought out by the right guy.
A sample from the book I’m working on:
“You can spend the night if you’d like.” I blinked. I looked at him long and hard. I really did like him, and it was so tempting. He straightened and said, “Maybe I’m being too forward.”
“No,” I added quickly. “Believe me, it’s a tempting offer. And part of me wants to say yes. It’s just…been a while….”
He reached up and took my chin between his thumb and forefinger, gently tilting my face up to his. I held my breath as he said, “Maybe it’s been too long, “ and leaned down. His lips met mine and I closed my eyes. My posture softened as our kiss deepened. I gave myself over to the experience, knowing that I wanted him more than anything.
He pulled back and looked into my eyes. I nodded. He unlocked and opened the door. I walked in ahead of him and headed up the stairs.
So this is the profile that a certain guy checked out a few days ago before he sent me his first message:
So what are you into
I replied with a variation of my standard reply to this question:
Reading, writing, movies, going for longs walks, going for drives, etc.
Apparently (and not surprisingly), this was not the answer he was looking for, as he made clear with his next message:
Haha ok that’s not what i meant but ok
Well, yeah, I kind of figured that’s not what he meant. However, it’s what I felt like sharing about myself at the moment. (As an aside, other than a handful of pictures, his age, and the fact that he’s interested in men, his profile has “Ask Me” for ever field. So he’s effectively shared nothing.)
I decided to reply with a simple “ah,” as I still didn’t feel like sharing the information he was clearly looking for or try to strike up a conversation when he’s put no effort into such an endeavor himself.
This is where the butthurt (or at least what I perceive as butthurt) came in:
Ok sorry to bother you I seen you on other sites but obviously your not interested in me take care
Okay, here’s are the problems I have with this response:
- Why would I be interested in someone who’s told me nothing about himself that might pique my interest
- Why would I be interested in someone who’s first message effectively calls for me to give a laundry list of my sexual interests and/or preferred sexual roles? Experience has taught me that such a guy isn’t interested in me but merely what I can do sexually for him. I don’t need long term commitment or love, but I do need to be seen as a person.
- If he’s seen me on other sites and bothered to glance at more than my profile pictures, he should’ve realized that last point might be an issue for me. I mean, every single profile I have mentions I’m primarily looking to chat2 and connect.
- Since when has sharing a list of things that I enjoy doing with another person exactly communicated a lack of interest. Sure, it makes it clear I’m not yelling “take me now!” But it certainly indicates I’m open to conversing further.
I considered telling the guy all this, but I decided against it. A while back, I realized I’ve grown tired of trying to explain to self-absorbed men who managed to go at least two decades without learning basic guidelines for conversing with strangers3. So I just told him to take care and left the conversation.
1One of the reasons I chose my Grindr profile for this example is that it’s the profile that frustrates me the most, what with the app’s ludicrously small text limit.
2I’m beginning to think that most gay and bi guys think “chat” is always synonymous with “sext.”
3Note that I”m not talking about socially awkward or not knowing what exactly to talk about. I often find those things endearing, especially if someone is struggling to be conversant in spite of that. But I know a lot of socially awkward people who understand that “what will you let me do to you once I get you naked” is not an appropriate conversation starter.