Finding a new book

While surfing the web tonight, I came across a book I’d never heard of before. The title is From Boys to Men: Gay Men Write About Growing Up. I find myself wondering how closely any of the stories contained in the book resemble the experiences I’m working on writing about. One of the reason I started writing about my own sexual self-discovery is because I feel like the topic is not well covered. So it would be interested to see if this book is a sign that there’s more out there than I realize. It would be a pleasant discovery if that is the case.

I’ve added the book to my wish list. I’d buy it outright, but I think I spent enough money today. I got a laptop in the price range I expected. But by the time I added all of the extras I decided to get with it (including a new wireless router for the house), the bill was a bit…shocking.

I’m getting a laptop

I’ve decided that I’m going to run to Best Buy after work tomorrow. The plan? To spend part of my tax refund and buy a laptop computer. It’s occurred to me that I’d really like to have one. I often like to go to places like Equal Grounds and Spot Coffee to hang out and relax. And it seems to me that it would be nice to be able to work on my writing projects, including my online projects, while relaxing at places like them.

Granted, I already often take my journals there and write by hand. But having a laptop would allow me to type things up directly. And in cases where I’m at someplace that offers a wireless Internet connection, I can even directly upload my content while I’m there.

This is a great solution to one of the problems I’m currently facing. I want to get out more often, an create opportunities for socializing. And yet, I have a number of writing projects I want to keep up with. Getting a laptop will hopefully enable me to combine the two in a creative way. And perhaps my writing in public will occasionally help generate conversation.

Creativity abounds

The past thirty six hours or so have been very busy and creative for me. The astute person may have noticed a few new links on my sidebar. Basically, I decided that after almost three years, it was time to start doing something with the main Northern Grove site. I’ve left an “under construction” page up there for way too long.

I’ve decided to turn that site into a series of static pages with information that I’d like to keep readily accessible at all times. Currently, I’ve added a brief autobiography, a short explanation of how I came to write and why I do it, and the story of how Precious came to live with me. I’ll probaby add more pages as ideas come to me.

I’m also thinking about reviving One Pagan’s Heart. If I decide to go through with it, I will probably go through and edit all of the pages to match the design I use for this blog and the main site, which should be a bit of a challenge.

And of course, I’ll continue to update this blog. I’ve grown fond of it, especially over the past few days I’ve felt increased inspiration for things to write about. I must say, I love it when I get creative.

Prayer, magic, and my relationship with my gods.

Today, Deborah Lipp offered a brief summary of her thoughts on the differences between magic (or more specifically, spells) and prayer on her blog. It was nice to see someone whose thoughts on the subject echo my own. I’ve always had a problem with the tendency for some to equate spells to prayer, simply because of the nature and source of power that Deborah describes. One of the things that drew me to the path I’m walking is the understanding that I am an active participant in my life and in the process of determining my eventual destiny. To me, the suggestion that spells are simply a way to ask the gods to give you what you want is contrary to that very principle. I work magic because it’s a way I contribute to my life and the achievement of my goals.

Of course, as I think about the whole topic, I also realize that the suggestion that spellwork is the same as prayer bothers me because it is contrary to my own understanding of prayer and the very relationship I have with my gods. I’m not the kind of person to ask my gods to give me something, but rather the kind of person to ask them for wisdom and guidance on how to attain what I desire for myself. I would ask them to help me learn to make my own efforts as effective as possible. I would ask them to help me be aware enough to see the opportunities I’m working to create. Asking them to just give me whatever it is I want would be unfair, both to them and to myself. It’s simply not what our relationship is about.

Checking out Soulforce

I recently enjoyed reading Pam’s follow-up on the Equality Ride bus vandalism story. It gave me the chance to learn more about the Equality Ride itself. It sounds like a wonderful experience, and something I might have liked to participate in at one time. (Sadly, my life no longer would allow me the time or leisure for such a project.)

However, it also gave me a chance to learn more about the organization behind the Equality Ride, Soulforce. Soulforce is an organization consisting of spiritually minded people who work for “freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance.” Given my own struggles that resulted from my religious background, I find this a rather noble cause.

I particularly like the Soulforce Credo About My Adversary:

1. I believe that my adversary is also a child of the Creator, that we are both members of the same human family, that we are sisters and brothers in need of reconciliation.
2. I believe that my adversary is not my enemy, but a victim of misinformation as I have been.
3. I believe that my only task is to bring my adversary truth in love (nonviolence) relentlessly.
4. I believe that my adversary’s motives are as pure as mine and of no relevance to our discussion.
5. I believe that even my worst adversary has an amazing potential for positive change.
6. I believe that my adversary may have an insight into truth that I do not have.
7. I believe that one day my adversary and I will understand each other and that if we conduct our search for truth guided by the principles of love, we will find a new position to satisfy us both.

To me, this willingness to see one’s “adversary” as wholly human and worthy of respect, dignity, and even love despite differences is a marker of true spirituality. It shows a compassion and spiritual understanding that I often find missing when observing people mired in addressing such controversial topics where feelings run high.

Of course, I also have my qualms about some aspects of Soulforce’s proposed spirituality. For example, the Soulforce Credo About Spiritual Possessions seems to come a bit too close to ascetism and a “sackcloth and ashes” mentality for my tastes. While I’m certainly not in favor of unrestrained materialism and self-gratification, I’m not a minimist, either. All the same, I think I’ll continue to check the organization out and see how I might become involved.

Coming out is not a panacea

The other evening, a friend and I got into a discussion about coming out. He remarked that he had met a number of older gay men who seemed to be of the opinion that coming out makes all of the struggles with one’s gayness disappear, or at least become insignificant. He told me that this attitude bothered him, because he didn’t feel that was the case at all. Listening to him, I found myself agreeing with his point of view wholeheartedly. Indeed, I found the claims made by these older gay men (and bear in mind that these “older men” actually fall in my age range) to be astonishing and completely unhelpful. I emphatically told my friend that I felt the attitude these men had expressed was complete garbage.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think there are a great number of benefits to coming out when a person is ready to do so. (I also think that coming out is a process that involves degrees and situations rather than an all or nothing thing, but that’s probably best left for another post.) Coming out to myself, ending the denial, and allowing myself to be the person I knew was inside of me has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself. And allowing myself to share that person with those people in my life that were important to me allowed me to save a lot of time and energy that I would have otherwise wasted by trying to hide who I am and worrying about what might happen if anyone ever found out my secret. And I suspect that my friend with whom I had this conversation would agree with everything I’ve just said.

But to say that all problems surrounding one’s sexual orientation will fade away once one comes out just isn’t realistic. In fact it’s a lie, and one that could deeply hurt someone who doesn’t feel this fictional release of all troubles upon coming out. And to me, spreading such a hurtful lie to another person is reprehensible.

Truth be told, as wonderful as the coming out process is, it’s only the beginning of a larger process. And for many of us, that beginning is the equivalent of opening floodgates and letting out a whole world of hurt and confusion we need to deal with. I can look at my own coming out experience that took place almost eleven years ago and the rough road it started me down, and the very lie of these older men’s claims makes me wince.

Coming out means coming to terms with who we are and allowing other people to see who we are. In many cases, the whole reason we need to come out is because we’ve been denying or repressing who we are — often for years. That takes its toll on a person, and quite often, coming out also requires us to face the results of those years. It’s one thing to accept who we are, but it’s completely different thing to come to love who we are. Sometimes, it means rebuilding our self-perception from scratch. Sometimes, it means learning that we really are deserving of love. Sometimes, it means struggling to live in an adult world while having the emotional maturity of a young teenager. Sometimes, it means coming to terms with an unconscious mind that only found it possible to express your sexual feelings through violent dreams and fantasies. The list is potentially endless.

Perhaps some people really do have less emotional and identity issues to work through after coming out. Perhaps they never denied or repressed their feelings as totally as others of us. Or perhaps they really can heal instantly. But not all of us are like it. To us, facing and admitting our sexual orientation — whether to ourselves or to others — is merely the beginning of the next stage of a difficult journey, not the end of one.

It’s hard to take homophobes seriously when they act like kids

Today, I ran across a small story about homophobic vandalism over at Pam’s. One thing ran across my mind as I looked at the photographs of the obscenities someone chose to paint on the bus in question. I’m amazed at just how juvenile the whole thing is. I find myself wondering if the “vandals” are any older than schoolyard boys I hung out with back in fifth grade. Quite frankly, these obscenities sound like the kinds of things my early classmates would’ve blurted out to show how “cool” and “knowledgeable” they were.

To be honest, I find myself hoping that the vandals in this incident were a bunch of fifth graders. Because the only other possibility — that they were a small gang of adults who think and behave like fifth graders — is just too disturbing for words. I’ve met some immature people in my life, but that would just beat all.

Of course, this whole incident also got me thinking back to the recent circus over Ann Coulter’s questionable remark about John Edwards. To me, this is another clear case of someone acting juvenile. In fact, I can almost hear those same schoolyard boys chuckling over the fact that using a word like “faggot” to describe someone is humorously insulting. I find myself wondering if there are any homophobes that somehow managed to develop emotionally past the onset of puberty.

To be honest, it’s hard to take such people seriously. It’s difficult to look at them as anything other than schoolyard children (and the worst kind of schoolyard children at that) who have not managed to grow up despite having grown older. And as I consider that, I realize that I actually pity them.

Sexual Self-discovery

I think one of the truly frustrating things I’ve had to face over the past several days is the realization that as far as my journey of sexual self-discovery has come, I still have further to go. Worse, I’ve discovered that some of the lessons in that respect were not as well learned as I would like to think. I find myself looking at a refresher course.

One of the more painful lessons was that I need a certain amount of security and safety built up to truly express myself sexually and feel comfortable with sharing that part of myself with another person. This isn’t exactly news to me, as I’ve always known it on one level or another. But the past several days have reinforced that truth, and reminded me of some of the costs that can result from allowing myself to ignore it. And while I certainly wouldn’t change any of the mistakes I’ve made recently, I can honestly look at them and acknowledge them as mistakes.

As I sit here and think about this, I find myself considering the various reasons why I took things too fast. After all, there are more than one, each influencing my decision-making process. Some are quite simple, such as the fact that at the time, things just seemed to be too right not to make the choices I did. Then there’s the fact that the past nine months have involved a process in which I’ve been rediscovering just what it means to me to be a sexual person — the person that I am. So when the opportunity to explore that more experientially, it only made sense to do so.

But it also reminded me that I need to be the person I am — even the sexual person I am — on my terms. I need to first create an environment and a relationship in which I’m comfortable exploring. I forsook building up to that place of comfort and raced ahead because it seemed like the right thing to do. And as a result, I’ve been reminded of why I shouldn’t do that.

Hopefully, I remember and exercise better judgement the next time I find myself faced with such choices.

Stronger than I thought

In a previous post, I mentioned briefly that I was going on a coffee date. I haven’t said much more about the experience, which was good, or the subsequent dates I had, which were also good. Originally, I didn’t want to right much, as I felt it was more appropriate to see how things went before getting too talkative about it. And then as things progressed, I felt that I needed to spend some time with the young man I was dating talking about everything. It was important to talk to him long before I talked about him or our experiences together.

Unfortunately, things did not work out between us as I had originally hoped. This was particularly complicated by the fact that each of us made some rash choices about our time together, resulting in a lot of hurt for both of us. We’ve spent a fair amount of time over the past several days talking about what happened, how we each felt, and just life in general. The end result is that we’ve decided to just be friends, and I’m very hopeful we end up developing a strong, lasting friendship as a result.

As I sit here and think about the past week and the future, I find myself experiencing a myriad of emotions. I’d say that chief among those emotions is disappointment and a bit of longing. To be honest, making the choice of not pursuing the relationship in favor of developing a friendship was not an easy one to make. There’s a part of me that longs for more, no matter how strongly I know that this is the right choice. Indeed, I found myself wondering how I’d feel when I saw him again. I found myself doubtful of whether I could spend time with him without it tearing me up inside.

I’m both pleased and relieved to say that those doubts were unfounded. Recently, I had the opportunity to spend four hours with him. And while I won’t deny that there was the occasional pang during our time together, it was well worth it. Conversation simply flowed. Not the kind of superficial conversation that feels mechanical or forced, but deep and honest communication. We shared an openness with one another that was beautiful and precious. And I have to admit that I find myself looking forward to another experience like that.

As I’ve thought about our recent time together, I found myself asking the same question again and again: When did I get this strong? How did I get this strong? I remember being the person who would fall completely apart at the first sign of emotional let-down and take weeks, months, or even years to recover. And here I am today, fresh from a breakup, ready to take it all in stride. I’m even looking forward to a friendship, despite the fact that part of me would still like more than friendship. And ultimately, I don’t feel it’s that big of a deal. And in many ways, that truly astonishes me. Because I don’t remember becoming the kind of person who could feel that way.

Concepts in Magic: Wyrd

Back in January, I launched a series of entries called “Concepts in Magic,” starting with a discussion of creation. I followed this with the second entry, that one about will. As I sat at my computer, I decided that the most logical third entry should be about wyrd, as it’s where the previous two concept meet and interract.

Wyrd is a term from Norse mythology. However, I believe that the concept of wyrd exists in most, if not all, magical systems and religious traditions. This can be seen in the fact that wyrd has many aspects in common with such concepts as karma or fate (though none of them are exactly the same). Given the fact that my own practices are heavily influenced by Norse thought, I will focus on wyrd in this entry. However, I strongly believe that much of what I say translates well to other traditions in some form or another.

At its most basic level of understanding, wyrd is the principle that states that the current moment in time is the cumulative result of all past events and choices. If a person takes a moment to ponder all of the circumstances and choices in their lives, they discover a trail which has led them to the point where they stand at this very moment. As they do this, they are pondering and coming to understand wyrd.

Often times, people come to understand wyrd as a personal thing. You will find both modern heathens and Icelandic authors that speak of an individual’s wyrd much like one might talk about one’s karma in the Eastern traditions. While there may be some benefit to this point of view, I have come to the realization that from a magical viewpoint, the idea of personal wyrd is merely an illusion. What we often like to see as “his wyrd,” “her wyrd,” “your wyrd,” or “my wyrd” is merely a limited perspective of a tiny piece of a much greater tapestry, true wyrd. In reality, there is only wyrd, a single fabric of reality that connects and supports everyone and everything. And it is this larger picture of wyrd that is important to a magical mindset.

It is this interconnectedness of all people and things through a single, universal wyrd that makes magic possible. This is because each of us shapes this universal wyrd on some small scale, thereby affecting the greater whole. Indeed, it is our ability to shape wyrd in some way that makes us participants in the creative process. After all, it is wyrd that holds creation together.

In reality, every living being in the universe can and does shape wyrd, even those who don’t understand or believe in it. However, the magician does so both consciously and willfully. A magician comes to understand the nature of wyrd and his contribution to it, thereby enabling himself to influence wyrd in the way he wishes.

Of course, a wise magician does this respectfully and carefully. Wyrd is governed by certain principles (often known as the primal rules or orlog), and so is the process of shaping it. Indeed, one of the great challenges of working effective magic is coming to understand the governing principles behind wyrd well enough to shape it effectively and responsibly. That is an ongoing learning experience which the responsible magician or witch will devote themselves to for the res of their lives — or as long as they choose to work magic.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.