Category Archives: Family

Family, Friends, Gender and Sexuality, Humor, Memories

The mark Darcy left

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I think everyone has those people who came into their lives for the briefest of moments, yet touched them in a profound way despite how temporary their presense may have been. Darcy was one such person for me. I spoke with her a total of three times in my entire life, and I doubt I’ll ever see her again. And yet, the first night we met, she left an impression I doubt I will ever forget.

That night took place several years ago. It was the night that I agreed to go out to a movie with my older brother — the first and only time I ever went someplace with him since I became an adult. Terry wanted to go see a movie, but didn’t have his license due to legal issues at the time. As such, he needed someone to go with him. Being the generous, if foolish, person I am, I agreed to go with him when he asked me. Both before and after the movie, we decided to hang out at the bar in Ruby Tuesday’s, which was located in the same mall as the cinema complex we went to.

When we returned to the bar after the movie, I was seething. The entire outting had been a real eye opener to just what kind of person — and let me just say that I’m being polite in using that word — my brother was. At one point, I was sure he was going to get himself thrown out of the theater during the movie. (I had decided I was going to sit there pretending I didn’t know him if that happened.) But I allowed him to convince me to return to the bar with him. By that time, Darcy was working behind the bar alone. Things had slowed down enough that Darcy had a lot of idle time, and she and Terry got talking.

Darcy was a sweet girl, a few years older than me at most. She was on the short side with long, blonde hair, but a real spitfire. She was the type of person that could say some incredibly cutting things, yet smile the entire time. I suspect that many of her customers were too drunk to realize she had actually said something biting until after the fact. Her personality struck me as admirable, and entirely conducive to the line of work she was in. And I have to admit that I was enjoying the process of watching her spar with my brother, who was too dumb to recognize all the jabs she got in despite the fact that he was perfectly sober at the time.

The incident that truly earned her my admiration, however, was when the topic turned to that of gay people. I forget what exactly came on the television to spark the conversation, but Terry made some sort of nasty remark on the topic. As I felt my heart sink and my stomach lurch, Darcy turns to Terry and asks him in a friendly, yet pointed manner, “What? Do you have something against gay people?” As soon as she asked the question, she gave me a quick wink. I’m not sure how she had managed to pick me out, but it was clear that like many other people in my life, she had immediately known I was gay. (Fortunately, my brother was clueless, and still is to the best of my knowledge.)

Terry stammered a bit and tried to make excuses. Of course, the first thing he did was played the typical male double standard, pointing out he had no problem with two women being “like that” — and even found it somewhat alluring. However, he pointed out that he just didn’t want any gay guys to hit on him, because that would not be okay.

Darcy’s reaction was incredible in that she didn’t pause, take a breath, or even blink. As soon as Terry said what he did, she just looked at him, smiled, and said in an even if somewhat patronizing voice, “Oh, hon, don’t flatter yourself.” And before either Terry or I had time to register what she said, she was off to serve another customer at the other end of the bar. I just about fell off my bar stool. (And for the record, I was sober, too!) Terry could only respond with a hurt and shocked “Hey!”

I was just totally amazed at how easily, gracefully, and politely Darcy had shot him down. Every time I find myself in a similar situation, I find myself thinking of her response that night. I can only hope I handle things half as well.

I went back two weeks later just to thank Darcy. I also left her a very big tip on my second trip, as an expression of my gratitude. We had a nice conversation, and she was shocked to discover that Terry was my brother. She couldn’t believe we came from the same family.

I only returned one more time after the night I went in to thank Darcy. I’m not the bar type, and even hanging out with such a great gal as Darcy was sufficient reason for me to keep returning. As a result, she disappeared from my life as quickly as she entered it. But that brief encounter is something I still like telling people about several years later. I think I always will.

Family, Grief

Remembering loved ones a bit late

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As I mentioned in my previous entry, my family suffered a tragedy during the time that my blog was offline. During the early afternoon of December 31, 2006, my Aunt Betty and Uncle Fred were killed in an automobile accident just a few miles from their home in Virginia. The Washington Post has an article which describes the details of the accident fairly well. Since the article was written, I believe that the two surviving victims of the collision (the driver of the van and her 5 year old daughter) have been released from the hospital. The woman, however, did lose a leg.

The whole experience was indescribable. My family first found out about the accident that afternoon when my father’s sister, Jennifer, called from York. Apparently, Uncle Fred’s daughter, Faith, called her. When Aunt Jennifer got through, she was hysterical. In fact, my mother had to ask her a couple of times who was calling because she couldn’t recognize Aunt Jennifer’s voice. During that call, we found out that Aunt Betty had died, but Uncle Fred’s status was still unknown. Aunt Jennifer called back about an hour later with the rest of the bad news.

Much of the rest of the night was spent relaying details to other members in my father’s family, as well as fielding calls from concerned friends who wanted to offer their condolences. we did manage to keep our standard New Year’s Eve tradition of getting friends and family together to play cards and eat snacks. And a good time was had by all, even with the underlying sadness and frequent phone interruptions.

One of the things that really struck me was how various people in my family chose to deal with the grieving process. Most notable was my aunt, Marlene, who went into overdrive in her role as the unofficial family historian. She spent much of Sunday and Monday trying to get as much information about Uncle Fred and Aunt Betty and their lives (including the details of Uncle Fred’s military service) and writing it all down. You’d have sworn that if she didn’t get it all in order right then, the information would be lost forever. But it kept her busy and allowed her to keep them alive in her heart and honor them in her own way.

To be honest, I’m not sure how I’ve dealt with this loss. I think that writing this blog entry is my way of grieving, in many ways. After all, the best way I can honor my aunt and uncle is to share them with the rest of the world. I just wish I had more memories to share.

One thing that I found surprising is how much it bothered me to not be able to attend the funeral services. Due to being out of work so much, I felt I couldn’t afford to give up the hours I was scheduled to work last week. And as the funeral was down in Virginia, I would’ve had to called off the entire week. And while my boss certainly would have understood if I chose to do so, I doubt my debtors would’ve been so understanding when I had no money to pay them.

Normally, I don’t think much of funeral services. I think they’re horribly long and dreadfully dull. And I certainly don’t think I get a lot out of them, personally. I’d rather take care of my own grieving and even my own goodbyes (as when I visited my grandfather’s grave the weekend after his funeral) more privately. But I realize now that the one thing I do like about attending funerals of loved ones is the communal aspect. While it may not be how I express my grief best, I do like being with my loved ones as they grieve, too.

Uncle Fred and Aunt Betty, you will be missed. May your souls find peace and comfort until they return to this world anew.

Family, Friends, Going Out, Health, Personal Development, Randomness, Work

Bits and Bobs

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The last couple of weeks have been more or less uneventful. Well, as long as you disregard the funeral I attended for a cousin. His battle with Parkinson’s finally took a turn for the worse. It was a pretty good service and well attended. I particularly appreciated the number of firemen who came to the event. Not that this is entirely surprising. The fire department was a big part of Tim’s life. Even after he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, he spent as much time as he could at the fire house, doing whatever jobs he could manage. The head of the department commented at the funeral that he was going to have to find four new volunteers to replace Tim.

My sister and her kids are in the area. She decided to make the drive up from Mississippi for the funeral. Her husband told her she had to stay for at least a week, though. So she’s here until Monday. I plan on running down to my parents’ house tomorrow and spending the day with her and the kids. It should be fun.

I think the lack of employment is starting to get to me on some level. So next week, I’ll have to start getting more serious about the search for a job. I had really hoped one of the opportunities Rick and Kevin had found would pan out, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. So it’s time for me to get off my duff and take matters into my own hands again. The only down side to that is that I probably won’t find something temporary. I really wanted that because I wanted to eventually go back to the company that moved me into this area.

I’ve started walking again. I haven’t decided if I’m doing it to “lose weight’ (probably not), exercise (again, not necessarily), or just for the fun of it (I’m leaning towards this answer). It’s gotten me out of the house a bit more and that’s been well worth it. I’m rediscovering that I really do like doing things like that.

I’ve also gone on a couple outtings with Becky, which is always nice. A couple Thursdays ago, we went to a local coffee shop. I had a delicious drink consisting of hot apple cider, caramel, and whipped cream. Then we just sat and talked. It was pleasant. And I got to check out a couple cute guys, which is always a plus.

Family, Photos, Vacation

Vacation Pictures: Lynn Meadows

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This morning, Stephanie and I took the kids to Lynn Meadows Discovery Center. The kids got to run from section to section, playing and having a good time. I took my camera and got a lot of great pictures. There are too many to post here, but I thought I’d post some of my favorites.

I’ll start by introducing each niece and nephew as they got dressed up in the one sections. Alyssa went for the southern belle look:

Kyra, on the other hand, decided to go with the grieving widow look:

The white hat somewhat ruined the look, but she eventually found a more appropriate black hat of a similar style.

Liam made a dashing young man, though now amount of fancy clothes can hide his inner imp completely:

Of course, fancy clothes didn’t work much for hiding Warren’s inner imp, either:

Before he was fully dressed, I snapped this picture of Warren because the oversized hat just made him look like a homeless boy in nineteenth centry London (or at least the stereotypical image):

Can’t you just see him stopping you on the street and asking you for a bit of loose change?

After getting dressed up, Kyra and Warren went over to the nearby hotel desk to check in:

They also had a small room with a “green screen” set up. The center of the room had a kayak the kids could get in. Here’s a picture of Kyra:

And here’s the image that appeared on the television screen outside the room:

I later found out there was a large LCD television in the room so the kids could see the image too. I snapped a picture of Liam on this screen, and got a classic look:

One of the last sections we visited at the Discovery Center was the section set up like a small seaport. All the kids decided to play at being longshoremen. Here’s a picture of crane operators Liam and Kyra:

Alyssa and Warren were in the ship hanging cargo on the crane’s hook:

From this picture, I can only assume that Alyssa was the foreman of the operation:

And here’s a final picture of three of the little hard workers. Doesn’t Warren look cute in his hard hat?

Family, Vacation

Mississippi Vacation

I’m sitting here in my sister’s computer room in Mississippi. Due to a lag-time between projects at work, I have at least a week off. Fortunately, I knew this early enough and was able to buy relatively cheap plane tickets down to visit my sister’s family. After all, I haven’t been to visit since they’ve moved down here to Biloxi.

Mississippi is actually a pretty nice place. So far, I’ve even been fortunate in that it hasn’t been too hot or humid. Bill actually asked me if I had packed all the dry air into my suitcase, because the humidity has been relatively low here since I arrived.

It’s always a joy to spend time with my nieces and nephews. Warren and Liam have both been tackling me every chance they get. And even Kyra occasionally finds her way into my lap. Alyssa’s happy to see me, though she doesn’t have quite the need for the physical affection that her younger siblings have. To be honest, I think she’d rather read a book. This makes her a girl after my own heart, of course.

Tomorrow, we’re going on the shrimping boat tour. I plan on taking my camera with me. As long as I remember, I should have some pictures to post later this week.

Family, Friends, Grief, Memories

Remembering Juanita

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I don’t think I could rightfully say what my first memory of Juanita was. She was someone that has always been a part of my life. When my parents first started taking me to the small American Baptist Church after I was born, she was there. She played the organ almost every Sunday.

I do remember that when I was older, I’d walk to the front of the sanctuary after many Sunday morning services and sit in the front pew just behind the organ. Juanita and I would talk as she continued to play the organ as people mingled and slowly filed out of the church. I think I was mesmerized by the way her fingers glided across the keys and her feet transitioned from pedal to pedal, making beautiful music.

In my twenties, when I bought a small keyboard (I had neither the money nor the space for a full sized piano), I sought Juanita to help me learn how to play. I’d practice on my keyboard and dutifully go to her house for my lessons. Some weeks, I’d bring my keyboard while other weeks, I took my lessons using her upright. We had a great time, joking, talking, and enjoying both the company and the music. I regretted quitting my lessons, but we both agreed that I was having too much trouble making the time for both practice and lessons.

After quitting my lessons and then leaving the church a year later, I didn’t see Juanita much. On occasion, our paths would cross as I’d go back to the little church to support family members who still attended. And the fact that her son, Tom, married one of my cousins gave rise to a few family occasions where we would see each other. On those occasions, we would greet one another with warm smiles and fond wishes.

Tomorrow, I’ll see Juanita one more time. This time, I will be paying my final respects. You see, Juanita lost her fight with cancer and passed away this past week. And a good number of us will miss her greatly. We’ll miss the music, love, and kindness she brought into this world on a regular basis.

But we will also remember her for these things. And we will remember that we are all better people for having known her. And hopefully, those memories will inspire us to emulate those traits we so admired in her. So in our sadness, we will also find warmth and joy.

After all, that’s how Juanita would’ve wanted it.

Family, Friends, Introspection, Love, Personal Development, Randomness, Work

Bits and bobs

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I haven’t put an update in here lately. I thought I’d go ahead and give the basic rundown of my life in a nutshell.

We’ll start with the major life change. I am now single. After four years, I have ended my relationship with Mike. It wasn’t an easy decision to make and it hurts like hell. But despite my best faith efforts to change things, it became perfectly clear where the relationship was heading. As painful as walking away is, I also know that continuing down that road would be even more painful.

I am leaving a number of message boards. I’m starting to discover that they’re little more than “distractions” to me. I really don’t get much out of staying there, other than the occasional bout of frustration. And at the moment, I just don’t have much to offer there, either. So it’s time to “cut bait,” so to speak.

In more pleasant news, my old college roommate has now been a Daddy for about two days. His wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy this past Saturday. I just found out this morning from an email. I sent my congratulations to the proud parents and look forward to meeting the little guy. Hopefully, that won’t be too far in the future.

I’m thinking over a couple of projects I’m considering working on. I don’t want to say too much about them now, but I just thought it’d be good to indicate that I’m looking to make life more productive.

I have officially decided to take a month or two off after my current job finishes. Given all the changes going on right now, I decided I could use some time to just relax and possibly do some intensive personal exploration. I’m not sure what this will really amount to, but time will tell.

Family

Passed Another Semester

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Yesterday, my mother took her last final for the semester. It was her math class. She thinks she did extremely well on it, which means that she should complete the course with a solid A. Combine that with the B she got in Nursing for the semester, and her semester should be considered nothing less than a smashing success.

I’ve enjoyed listening to her talk about the semester the last few days. Since she found out her final grade for Nursing, she has had this certain sense of pride about her. She realized just how well all her hard work she’s put into her schooling since January has really paid off. And to be honest, I’m more than a little proud of her, too.

I’m looking forward to attending her pinning ceremony next Friday. This is the ceremony where all of the instructors pronounce the first year Nursing students who passed as sophomores. They’re each given a small pin to recognize their success in their first year. And considering the level of difficulty of the course, it’s a success that deserves much celebration.

Of course, I think that Mom’s also more than a little surprised. Along with her pride, I often hear more than a smidgeon of amazement in Mom’s voice. After failing the same semester last year, I think she was truly discouraged and worried about her chances of succeeding. She was afraid she couldn’t make it. And now that she has not only made it, but excelled in the process, she’s amazed.

Of course, that’s the difference between Mom and I. I’m not amazed at all. I’ve known all along she could do it. I know the intelligence and abilities of my parents — probably more than either of them know these things for themselves. Mom’s often talked about how their kids are “smarter” than they are, but I’ve always known better. I’ve known my parents were just as smart as my sister and I. Stephanie and I just happened to have better opportunities to develop our intelligence in the classic, obvious ways. We had opportunities to go to school and get involved in formal programs. I in particular learned to apply my intelligence directly to the academic world.

Before Mom went to school, she’s never had the chance to test or develop her inherent intelligence in that same way, so she always assumed she wasn’t “smart.” Well, now that she’s going through school — and learning to apply her intelligence rather than letting anxiety and self-doubt overcome her –she’s starting to discover that she was wrong all along. And I like seeing her face as she makes that discovery.

There’s something precious about having such an experience when it involves your parent. It’s a sense of turnabout, to be honest with you. I see a woman who has encouraged and supported me all of my life, and now I get the satisfaction of returning that favor to her. It’s nice to see the person who helped you to grow up and fly find her own wings in return. It’s nicer still to have a small part in that process.