Category Archives: Friends

Daily Life, Friends, Going Out

My first COAP dinner experience

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Last night, as planned, I headed over to The Golden Port to meet other COAP members for a late dinner. I arrived a bit late, but found the large group. I ended up sitting down on one end. Marlena sat across from me. I didn’t catch the name of the gentleman who sat to my right. When he came, a man by the name of Sam sat to my left.

I haven’t entirely made up my mind about how I feel about the experience, to be honest with you. This is because it was a chaotic dinner and there were both high points and low points. I’ve pretty much decided that I need to attend the same dinner next month and possibly the one after that before I make up my mind about whether I’m going to continue going to them.

In fairness to the group, I was tired by the time I got there. I had worked until 7pm that evening, and my shift had been mentally exhausting. Combine that with the general physical inactivity of a desk job, and you have a state of being that didn’t quite put me at my peak for socializing, anyway. Add to that the fact that my natural shyness and tendency towards introversion was trying to assert itself at the same time, and I have to admit that I was not in my element to begin with.

Now, add to this the fact that most of the other dinner-goers had just come from the business forum. Both Zara and Jennie talked to me about the business forum, but I really don’t understand much about it other than (1) it serves as a monthly fundraiser for Pride and (2) it involves the consumption of alcohol. So I was tired, feeling introverted, and surrounded by a group of people who were all intoxicated to some degree or another. This is not a good combination when you’re empathically gifted. So I spent a couple moments at various points in the dinner just trying to get my already work-addled mind to put my shielding exercises to effective use.

Then there was the minor issue of the fact that I was a newcomer entering into a group situation where everyone else knew each other and were great friends for the most part. I think it’s difficult for all but the most socially agressive people to find a way to break in on that sort of situation. So I was finding it difficult to get involved in the conversations that I was able to hear and follow through all the chaos.

Sam and I did talk a bit, however. We didn’t say anything earth shattering, mind you. But I will admit that he was a bit more outgoing than the others seated immediately around me, which helped me break the ice a bit better. He was quite funny, and I was able to warm up a bit more after his arrival, for which I’m grateful.

Also, towards the end of the meal, Zara got up from her seat and wandered around so that she could say hello to those who were too far from her while she was eating. She came down and spoke to Sam and I for a while, which was a nice experience. Even that brief conversation improved my own experience a great deal. She told me about the business forum, and encouraged me to attend that as well next month. I haven’t made a final decision, though I am certainly considering it. I asked her if they also serve non-alcoholic beverages (the only thing more trying than being an empath around intoxicated people is being an intoxicated empath around intoxicated people — and possibly even sober people), which I don’t think she ever actually answered, come to think of it. Of course, she made sure that Sam and I had been introduced and gotten along. Sam made up this rather amusing melodramatic story about how it had been rough at first and we even had a spat, but we were able to patch things up. It was hillarious, and Estella would’ve loved it.

So overall, I suppose I did have a good time. At least I had a good enough time that I’m willing to give it another try come May. However, given this experience, I think I’ll try to plan ahead a bit. For example, I will do my best to make sure that I don’t work longer hours earlier in the day. If at all possible, I’ll even try to put in an extra hour or so earlier in the week so I can knock off a bit early. That way, I can get in some meditation and other work to better prepare myself for the chaos. That should help put me in a state where I’m more able to focus on trying to be sociable. And hopefully, as I attend a few more times, I’ll start getting to know people better and find it easier to find a place in the various conversations going on.

Friends, Going Out

Woohoo!

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I checked the mail when I got home tonight. My tickets to the Vickie Shaw next Friday just arrived. Now I just have to find someone to go with.

Michele suggested I ask someone at COAP if they’d like to go. That’s actually kind of tempting, but I’m a bit concerned that someone I’d ask would get the wrong impression. After all, I just wanta friend to hang out with. I’m not looking to necessarily have this be a dating thing. At least not yet.

Emotions, Friends, Grief

It’s never easy

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Saying goodbye to a friendship is never easy. However, I think it’s hardest when neither of you really want to say goodbye, yet know you have to. That’s the situation I’ve found myself in this week, and it’s quite possibly the most painful experience I’ve ever had. And let me just say that coming from someone who was on the brink of suicide twice in his life and even allowed other people to convince him that he was evil incarnate for about a week, that’s saying quite a lot.

It would be so much easier if either of us had done something malicious to the other. It would be easier if there had just been a fight, an argument over some sense of having been wronged. But there wasn’t any such thing. Instead, life has simply gotten in the way, and we can’t be there for each other right now. What’s worse, there’s no real guarantee of when that will change — or even that it ever will. That’s left one of us feeling hurt and the other feeling rather guilty. A bad situation all around.

So for now, we’ve said our goodbyes. They may be temporary, or they may be permanent. For now, I’m inclined to treat them as though they are permanent, simply because it’ll make the healing process easier, I think. There won’t be that temptation to go into denial about the whole thing and wait for something that may not come. If it comes — and I hope it does — it will be great. But in the meantime, there’s work to be done. So I’ll shed my tears and grieve so that I can get on with it as well as I can.

Daily Life, Emotions, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Realization

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Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he’s not. And that bugs me. I don’t want to be desperate for a relationship. I don’t want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I’m okay with being single and stay there.

But it’s difficult. Right now, I’m going through this whole thing where I’m becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It’s difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I’m starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I’ve said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I’ve enjoyed it, it’s not entirely comfortable for me. It’s different. And there’s that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that’d be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who’s perfect for me, I’d ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can’t deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

Family, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Time with the parents

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I had a relatively good Easter. I made it home at around 5 yesterday evening. Mom made meatloaf for supper. That’s a meal I haven’t had in some time, and I certainly appreciated it last night. After supper, I took a four hour nap. Of course, that meant that when I got back up, I spent most of the night either watching a movie or chatting with people online. I didn’t get to bed until almost 7am. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in until 10am that morning.

I spent part of today playing around with RocWiki. I ended up creating a page on there for the POC, as well as doing some other minor editing. And I created my user profile page, of course. I’m starting to become enamored with the whole Wiki concept, to be honest with you.

Mom served the traditional Easter dinner with ham, potatoes, gravy, and stuffing at a little after two in the afternoon. Because I wanted to get home to take care of Precious (I left her here in Rochester as I didn’t want to stress her out with the traveling for an overnight trip) and do some other odds and ends, I left shortly after lunc. I did wait around long enough to get a cooler and a tupperware dish filled with a few hunks of ham, however.

Let me just say as an aside that I absolutely despise Easter. Not the holiday itself, but the fact that just about everything is closed all day because of the holiday. When I got home, I was in the mood to get out in the public for a while. So I decided to try running to a couple of the coffeehouses in the area to get a nice drink and do some writing. But alas, they were both closed. After the second one, I decided to just give up.

It’s a shame that everything was closed. One of the reasons that I went out was that I was really craving social interaction. Actually, going home for even twenty four hours drove home just how much I really am craving that right now. (Of course, the lengthy, deeply personal and somewhat discomforting IM conversation I had with Brian didn’t help that, either.) In some ways, I felt trapped there at my parents’ house.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents very much and I like spending time with them. But there’s a reason I left that area. It’s not a good place for a liberally-minded gay guy to try building friendship and build a social network. And going back there, even for an overnight visit, tends to remind me of that. Especially right now since I’m working on trying to break that lack of human interaction and learning to release the social butterfly that really does appear to be hiding somewhere inside of me.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the Wednesday night game night all the more. And I plan on getting out to do some writing on Tuesday, too.

Daily Life, Family, Friends

My friends are mean

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I figured since I wasn’t heading home for the holiday until today, I’d head out a little later in the day so that I could go visit friends at Psychic’s Thyme. Michele was working today, and Belinda came up with her for the day, as they planned on spending the evening in the city after the store closed. Char was there, too, which made for a pleasant visit.

Apparently, Michele and Belinda had decided to go to Macaroni Grill. Char decided to join them, and they also invited their friend, Jim. I was also invited, but I figured my mother would kill me if I didn’t come home. So I yelled at my friends for picking a day to do something like that when I couldn’t join them. Of course, they offered to call my parents that I wouldn’t make it home because they’d tied me up, but I didn’t figure Mom would buy that. So I came home and missed out on all the fun. Hopefully, it won’t be more than a month (and hopefully less) before we have another outing like that.

This coming Wednesday is another COAP game night. I’m already looking forward to it. I’ve enjoyed the last two game nights I’ve been to. I especially enjoyed the one two weeks ago because after the games were put away, a few of us stuck around and chatted for a bit. In many ways, that was even more enjoyable than the game playing. Of course, playing the games together helped create an atmosphere where conversation could flow more freely. I’m finding that it’s a lot easier to talk once you’ve spent an hour stealing cards out of each other’s hands or screwing each other out of points and talking about getting even the entire time. When you stop and think about it, though, that’s rather messed up. The games get rather cutthroat, and yet we’re able to set it all aside in the end and act like great friends. But then, I suppose my friends at college had a similar sort of dynamic going in our relationships.

Friends, Going Out

Another Great Game Night

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Tonight, I went to the COAP game night again. I had a great time, once again. Tonight was not only game night, but it was their weekly planning meeting. That’s when they start coming up with events for the next month or so and adding them to the calendar. I don’t think they ever got around to doing that tonight, because Woody was running late. So we got right into the game playing. First, we played Pit, which is basically a sort of trading game. it was insane, but fun. After we played several hands, we switched over to Guillotine. I’m not sure what it is about this group and morbid games, but it was fun.

Tonight, we had eight people show up. Woody, Paul, and Jeff all returned from last week. In addition, I got to meet John, Todd, and Jenny. Tonight, Alana came for the very first time, taking my place as the newbie. (Technically, I think we’re going to share that role for the time being, though.)

After the gaming ended and people started leaving, a small group of us stuck around for a while to just chat. It was nice, because we all got to know each other a bit more. For example, I found out that Woody is also a computer programmer. And Alana told us about her experiences moving o the area and looking for a job. It was great to be able to learn a bit about the people I’ve bee gaming with.

What truly amazed me, however, was that I was able to spend two and a half hours with that many people and not feel any ill effects as a result. Apparently, I’ve learned to shield extremely well. It’s nice to be able to keep everyone else’s emotions at bay.

Daily Life, Friends, Going Out, Health, Personal Development, Writing

Fantastic Day

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Today was a great day. I managed to get out of the house around quarter of noon and headed up to the POC to hang out with Belinda during the healing clinic. Nobody showed up today, so we just ended up sitting around and talking. I took my laptop so that Belinda could read the local copy of Journey. She absolutely loved it, though she was frustrated that I hadn’t written more. She got to the last page in the series and just sat there going, “That’s it?” She also found a couple of typos I made, which I fixed and just uploaded.

When we finally decided to leave the POC, we decided to go to a late lunch at Red Lobster. She had the Shrimp Linguini Alfredo. Not being a seafood fan (but I love the garlic biscuits they serve at Red Lobster), I decided to go with the Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo. We both loved our meals, and there were a lot of cute waiters to check out. (We each commented on which ones we liked.)

After lunch, I brought my leftovers back to the house, then decided to go someplace for a walk. I was only a little after five and the day was absolutely beautiful. I decided to drive over to Shoen Place and park so that I could walk the trail along the canal. It was the first time I’ve walked the trail, and it was absolutely gorgeous. It’s surprising how peaceful the area can be. You don’t realize it driving along Route 96 in the same area.

After my walk, I ran to Target. I decided that with the weather warming up, I needed some more polo shirts. I only have three, and I can’t wear tee shirts on the customer site like I do at my own office. While I was there, I also picked up a new belt. I’ve either lost weight or it’s shifted, because my old belt wasn’t doing a good job at holding up my pants anymore.

I also decided to get another package of underwear, as I’m running out of those, too. I had trouble picking out a package. I usually prefer to get a package that just has black and grey underwear in it, but all the packages today had other colors. I finally decided on the package that also had a blue pair and a red pair. I have to admit that I picked that package because something about the idea of wearing red undies amused me.

Overall, it was a pleasant and beautiful day. I’m thinking about topping it off with a movie this evening.

Family, Friends, Gender and Sexuality, Humor, Memories

The mark Darcy left

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I think everyone has those people who came into their lives for the briefest of moments, yet touched them in a profound way despite how temporary their presense may have been. Darcy was one such person for me. I spoke with her a total of three times in my entire life, and I doubt I’ll ever see her again. And yet, the first night we met, she left an impression I doubt I will ever forget.

That night took place several years ago. It was the night that I agreed to go out to a movie with my older brother — the first and only time I ever went someplace with him since I became an adult. Terry wanted to go see a movie, but didn’t have his license due to legal issues at the time. As such, he needed someone to go with him. Being the generous, if foolish, person I am, I agreed to go with him when he asked me. Both before and after the movie, we decided to hang out at the bar in Ruby Tuesday’s, which was located in the same mall as the cinema complex we went to.

When we returned to the bar after the movie, I was seething. The entire outting had been a real eye opener to just what kind of person — and let me just say that I’m being polite in using that word — my brother was. At one point, I was sure he was going to get himself thrown out of the theater during the movie. (I had decided I was going to sit there pretending I didn’t know him if that happened.) But I allowed him to convince me to return to the bar with him. By that time, Darcy was working behind the bar alone. Things had slowed down enough that Darcy had a lot of idle time, and she and Terry got talking.

Darcy was a sweet girl, a few years older than me at most. She was on the short side with long, blonde hair, but a real spitfire. She was the type of person that could say some incredibly cutting things, yet smile the entire time. I suspect that many of her customers were too drunk to realize she had actually said something biting until after the fact. Her personality struck me as admirable, and entirely conducive to the line of work she was in. And I have to admit that I was enjoying the process of watching her spar with my brother, who was too dumb to recognize all the jabs she got in despite the fact that he was perfectly sober at the time.

The incident that truly earned her my admiration, however, was when the topic turned to that of gay people. I forget what exactly came on the television to spark the conversation, but Terry made some sort of nasty remark on the topic. As I felt my heart sink and my stomach lurch, Darcy turns to Terry and asks him in a friendly, yet pointed manner, “What? Do you have something against gay people?” As soon as she asked the question, she gave me a quick wink. I’m not sure how she had managed to pick me out, but it was clear that like many other people in my life, she had immediately known I was gay. (Fortunately, my brother was clueless, and still is to the best of my knowledge.)

Terry stammered a bit and tried to make excuses. Of course, the first thing he did was played the typical male double standard, pointing out he had no problem with two women being “like that” — and even found it somewhat alluring. However, he pointed out that he just didn’t want any gay guys to hit on him, because that would not be okay.

Darcy’s reaction was incredible in that she didn’t pause, take a breath, or even blink. As soon as Terry said what he did, she just looked at him, smiled, and said in an even if somewhat patronizing voice, “Oh, hon, don’t flatter yourself.” And before either Terry or I had time to register what she said, she was off to serve another customer at the other end of the bar. I just about fell off my bar stool. (And for the record, I was sober, too!) Terry could only respond with a hurt and shocked “Hey!”

I was just totally amazed at how easily, gracefully, and politely Darcy had shot him down. Every time I find myself in a similar situation, I find myself thinking of her response that night. I can only hope I handle things half as well.

I went back two weeks later just to thank Darcy. I also left her a very big tip on my second trip, as an expression of my gratitude. We had a nice conversation, and she was shocked to discover that Terry was my brother. She couldn’t believe we came from the same family.

I only returned one more time after the night I went in to thank Darcy. I’m not the bar type, and even hanging out with such a great gal as Darcy was sufficient reason for me to keep returning. As a result, she disappeared from my life as quickly as she entered it. But that brief encounter is something I still like telling people about several years later. I think I always will.

Friends, Going Out

Great game night

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After a bit of deliberation and carrying on about how shy and nervous I usually am, I eventually convinced myself to go to COAP’s game night tonight. In retrospect, I’m glad I did. To be honest, I’m not sure when I’ve had that kind of fun.

I arrived at the coffee house a little before 6:30pm. As I was early, I decided to take the time to pull out the laptop an work on my writing. As I was finishing up the next chapter in A Journey to Queerdom, people started showing up. So I finished editing the pages locally, then turned off the computer, ordered another iced tea and went over to introduce myself.

By the end of the night, there were a total of six of us. Originally, four of us played Gloom, which is probably one of the most morbid games I’ve ever played. (Is it bad that I enjoyed it?) I almost won, but Woody cleared all the modifiers off one of my family members just before Paul killed off his last family member. As a result, Paul won the game.

The next game we played — involving all six of us this time — was Phase 10. Now I think I vaguely recall playing this game once before, but it was a few years ago. Fortunately, it was similar enough to other games that I caught on rather quickly. In fact, for the first few hands, I managed to take the lead. Eventually, that changed and I was probably close to being low man on the totem pole (kinky!) by the time I had to leave. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stick around and finish the game, as I have to go to work early tomorrow and I’m working a ten hour or better shift. In fact, I shouldn’t be taking the time to write this, but I figure I need the chance to wind down, anyway.

Overall, game night was a great experience. It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down with a group of guys (and the first time when I wasn’t the only gay guy in the bunch) and just hung out. It was nice to chat, joke around with one another, and just have a leisurely visit. In a lot of ways, it reminded me a lot of the nights my family will get together to play cards. I’m alread looking forward to the next game night at the end of this month.