…and probably didn’t want to.

1. At one time, I was involved in an online “relationship.” At the time, I considered the other gentleman — who lived in the UK — my boyfriend. However, for various reasons (the fact that I never actually met him in person not being the least of them), I do not count it as a “real relationship,” nor do I count him as an ex.
2. I have never kissed a man.
3. I have, however, kissed a woman.
4. I actually worry about kissing. Even at thirty, I worry I won’t be “any good at it.”
5. My favorite drinks are pina coladas, strawberry daiquiris, mudslides, and long island iced teas.

6. My ex was also a diabetic. I actually attribute the fact that I took my own diagnosis so well to my experience with him.
7. At one time, that was the only positive thing I had to say about my ex.
8. The winter of my junior year at college, I went on a mission trip to Jamaica.
9. On that mission trip, we drove by the bar from the movie “Cool Runnings” several times. That’s not really a big deal, but we all thought it was kinda neat.
10. I have a brother (of sorts), but I rarely admit it.
11. The one time that I mentioned in public that he was my brother was because I wanted to make it perfectly clear to those around that he was not a friend. After all, I didn’t want them to think that I chose friends that were that big of assholes.
12. That was the one and only time I went anywhere with my brother during my adult life, and I have no intention of repeating the experience.
13. I met my current boyfriend, Mike, online.
14. Mike and I have been dating for three and a half years.
15. I don’t remember exactly when Mike and I first met in person, but I know it was the beginning of May 2001.
16. I used to have an online copy of every email Mike and I sent each other except for the first month. Then Webbox lost them all.
17. I fell in love with Mike the first evening we met, but not at first sight.
18. Mike is almost the complete opposite from what I’ve generally considered my “type.” This is why I don’t believe in “types.”
19. I used to do Christian clowning on a regular basis.
20. I was the coordinator of all InterVarsity-ran Bible studies on my campus my junior and senior year.
21. My lack of organization used to drive our IVCF staffworker bonkers.
22. I had a crush on my roommate my senior year in college.
23. My roommate also happened to be the president of our campus’s chapter of InterVarsity.
24. I made the mistake of confiding my situation to my roommate.
25. My roommate was actually pretty decent and understanding about it. We’re still friends, in fact.
26. The fact that he was pretty decent about the whole thing doesn’t negate the fact that he was a jerk a couple of times.
27. We had actually roomed together my junior year, too.
28. That year, we had told each other to go to hell.
29. I think that’s the only person I’ve told to go to hell.
30. If there WAS another person I’ve ever told to go to hell, it would’ve been my ex’s sister. (Also my ex-best friend.)
31. I cannot play sports well at all. I have next to no hand-eye coordination.
32. That’s due to the fact that I’ve had a lazy eye my whole life.
33. I’ve been through muscular surgery twice to correct it. I only know about the first time because my parents told me about it. I was extremely young (I don’t even know when exactly it was.)
34. My parents didn’t have insurance when I had that surgery.
35. It was clear immediately after the first surgery that they overcorrected. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t have the money for a second surgery. (In fact, they never had the money to pay the first one off. The debt just mysteriously disappeared.)
36. I didn’t have the second surgery until I was 27 because that’s the first time a doctor told me they could get my insurance company to pay for it. Before then, any doctor who mentioned it said that the surgery would be considered “cosmetic” and therefore the insurance wouldn’t cover it.
37. They got it right that time. My eyes aren’t perfectly aligned, but you’d really have to study my face to notice it.
38. This caused my depth perception to change drastically. I remember reaching for my glass at the dinner table and completely missing it. (I thought it was another four inches further away from me.)
39. I like to write erotica.
40. I like rollercoasters, but they scare me.
41. I’m dating a rollercoaster fanatic. Some days, that scares me.
42. At one time, I was working on a novel.
43. Originally, I was afraid to show anything I wrote to anyone.
44. Now, I practically shove my stuff in people’s faces.
45. I have a picture of my sister that my friends insisted was a picture of me in a blonde wig.
46. I actually passed that picture around the campfire one night during the “get to know your team members” session during our mission trip. Someone DEMANDED I explain the picture. Our team leader sat there laughing for several minutes.
47. I was raised in an American Baptist Church.
48. I have spoken from the pulpit before.
49. As youth leader, I was able to warp the fragile minds of the church’s youth for quite a few years before I left.
50. I call myself a fag all the time, despite the fact that it drives a few of my friends batty.
51. Actually, I partly do it BECAUSE it drives them batty.
52. I have a sadistic side.
53. I have a bigger masochistic side.
54. I’m a major cuddler.
55. I like to hug friends. Though there are some people I don’t like hugging at all.
56. I own a lot of computer games, but rarely play them.
57. There are only a few video games I’ve fully beaten. They are Super Mario Brothers, Metroid, and all the games in the Dragon Warrior series.
58. I own over twenty tarot decks, but only use two of them.
59. I have a hard time getting rid of books, despite the fact that I have many I have no use for.
60. I’m a packrat in general, too.
61. I love fantasy, but I was 28 before I ever read The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit.
62. In reality, I got both of those on audio cassette. So technically, I still haven’t read them.
63. I was 21 before I watched Fiddler on the Roof.
64. My favorite musical is Sweeny Todd. I especially like the taped version where Angela Lansbury played Mrs. Luvitt. (There’s something about watching “Ms. Fletcher” sing a happy song about baking people into pies that inspires glee in the perverse part of me.)
65. I miss working with teens.
66. I love bad puns.
67. I used to love the green ping pong ball joke. (If you’re not familiar with it, don’t ask. You’ll regret it if you do.)
68. I jumped down off the table I was sitting on and strangled the person who told me the green ping pong ball joke.
69. I have only been drunk three times in my life. And both times, I was more tipsy and disoriented than all-out drunk.
70. The first time, I got drunk off jello shots.
71. The second time was at the local gay bar. I had one too many pina coladas.
72. The third time, I got drunk off two Long Island iced teas. It was shortly after being diagnosed with diabetes. It was the first time I drank after my diagnosis, and I didn’t understand how strongly my condition could effect my alcohol tolerance. (Plus having lost 50+ pounds didn’t help.)
73. I almost didn’t graduate from college. (Never come out to yourself your senior year, it’s not a pretty sight.)
74. I dream of being able to quit my job and devote my life to writing.
75. Part of me wants to publish something someday, but the thought of all the publicity involved with that scares the crap out of me.
76. I wouldn’t read anything by Ann Rice for the longest time because it struck me as too “trendy.”
77. Same with the Mists of Avalon, which I still haven’t read.
78. I’m actually very insecure, though most people online don’t believe it.
79. In 2001, I went from weighing 290 pounds down to around 230. By the first part of 2002, I started the climb back up. At my last doctor visit, I was up to 311. I’m hopefully bringing it back down again, though I hope to take it more slowly this time.
80. I consider myself an extremely boring person.
81. I have an insanely high number of online diaries/journals/blogs. In fact, I have to write their names down to count them.
82. I also have an insanely high number of email addresses. And I just added another one this weekend.
83. I didn’t keep track of my checking account for over four years. In that time, I only bounced one check, though.
84. I lost my license for three months due to my foolishness. (I let my car insurance lapse due to not paying.)
85. My first vehicle was an 82 Ford Ranger. My parents gave it to me my last semester in college.
86. I put two different engines in that truck. The first engine we put in had a crack in it. Less than two weeks after we put the second engine in it, a band broke in the transmission and it wouldn’t back up.
87. I also put two different engines in my last car. The first engine was a factory rebuilt engine. Unfortunately, there was an error in assembly at the factory and it busted a bearing after I had it for two weeks. The second engine was on them.
88. Like the Ranger, I got rid of the Saturn because it two had a major transmission malfunction after the second engine replacement. However, there was a nine month gap between the two incidents. (Since I had put a new transmission in it four years ago, I decided it was time for a new car.
89. I used to argue religion with the person who is now my brother-in-law. I argued the Christian viewpoint while he argued the agnostic viewpoint. Ironically, we’ve done an almost complete role-reversal since then.
90. I have four nieces (two by my sorta brother and two by my sister) and two nephews (both by my sister). I love kids, but I’m not sure I’d ever want to have any of my own.
91. I will babysit my nieces and nephews as long as I don’t have to change any diapers.
92. I live only five hours from NYC but have never been there.
93. I tend to make fun of myself a lot. I think I learned to do that because people at school would make fun of me. It was a defense mechanism.
94. When I was younger, I tended to get along with most adults better than most kids my own age.
95. I believe that what most people call “fate” is utter nonsense.
96. I believe the same thing about what most people consider “karma.” (I do find myself struggling to understand some of the “less popular” concepts of karma — such as the traditional Hindu doctrine of karma — and am therefore less likely to outright dismiss them, though.)
97. I worry about what other people think about me more than I should. A lot more.
98. I also think some people think way too highly of me.
99. I first got interested in computer programming when I was seven.
100. The second programming language I ever learned was Assembly language. I learned it on a Vic20. I didn’t have an assembler for that computer, so I actually had to hand-assemble my code to machine code. I did this when I was…14, I think. I was an odd teenager.

Today was a pretty good day. I had a bit of trouble getting to sleep last night (I was awake until after 2:30), so I ended up staying in bed until 9:30. I’m still a bit tired, but I’m functional for now. I got up this morning and got online. I then took my shower and got ready to go to P’s house. She and I watched a couple of movies and ran out for a short shopping trip. Overall, it was a pretty good day.

One of the movies we watched was “The Convent.” I think that movie defies any real classification or description. It was a horror movie of sorts. But it was a bit…well, I guess camp would work. There were a lot of stereotypes involved. You know, you had the sex fiend boy that bragged that he could sleep with any girl they saw (“just give me five minutes”), the frat-boy jock and his ditzy cheerleader girlfriend, and of course, the woman that everyone thinks is crazy who has to be called on to save the day at the end. So there was a lot about the movie that was cheesy and predictable. But on the same hand, it wasn’t a total nacho-fest, either. It had a certain serious quality to it. The only real problem I had with the movie is that the first person to die was the best character in the whole show. I’m sorry, but anyone who can sit up in the middle of the ritual where she’s about to be sacrificed and accuse the leader of being a pretentious goth wannabe is aces in my book.

I got to meet P’s new dog, too. He’s big and lovable, but boy is he going to be a handful. He’s young and excitable. If my sister’s dog, Cody, was still around, the two of them would make great playmates, I think. They’re both nuts. Speaking of which, Precious is going crazy looking for a playmate. Bandit isn’t interested in playing (his skin is still bothering him) and with the kinds and my sister’s dogs gone, my poor little cat has no one who’s willing to play with her at the drop of a hat. So she’s been raring around and trying to get everyone’s attention. It’s actually quite cute.

This has been a pretty good weekend. A bit too short, but that’s the nature of most weekends, isn’t it? We just have to learn to appreciate what we have and live in the moment. And that’s what I’m trying to do here.

I got up at about 7:30 on Saturday morning. I had hoped to sleep later than that, but it wasn’t to be. I actually woke up at 6:45, and I tried to go back to sleep. But after half an hour, I decided that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep. Not only that, the longer I stayed in bed, I realized I was just going to make myself feel tired. So I got up and got dressed. I took the extra time to spend some time with my sister and her kids, as well as having a small breakfast of toasted homemade bread and peanut butter. And then I got on the road between 9:00 and 9:15.

I actually got to the meeting place later than normal. I usually make sure I get there a half hour early. That’s an almost obsessive trait I picked up from my parents. “It’s always better to be way early than a few minutes late.” That’s not an exact quote, but you get the idea. So I was only about ten minutes early for a change. I had to run to the bathroom, so I ran over to Cracker Barrel and made quick use of their facilities. When I came back out and walked over to the car, Mike was there waiting for me. He got out of his car and we chatted for a few seconds. Then we hopped in my father’s car (I borrowed it just so we knew we had a card that could make the 100 mile round trip without incident) and headed for the Carousel Mall.

Now, I’ve driven four or five cars with standard transmissions now. I’ve never been a fabulous driver when it came to driving standards, mainly because I lack the consistent practice it takes to learn to shift perfectly smoothly and all the other minor details involved. But I can generally manage a trip without grinding the gears (or at least not doing so too badly). But I have never driven a better stick shift than this one. I could just about convince myself to offer to trade cars with my father — if it weren’t for the minor detail that his car is only a two door. I have to have a four door just because it means a slightly larger car.

I even managed to drive through the construction zone between Cortland and Syracuse with a certain grace. I was quite impressed, to be honest. I figured that being on a slight uphill grade and going six feet before stopping, I’d have all kinds of problems. But I actually managed to keep things going well and didn’t stall too bad. Though there were a few points where I should’ve shifted gears a bit sooner. Mike even commented on how calmly I handled the driving and even my few mistakes (I did stall at a few traffic lights). But that’s something I learned back when I took the trip down to Delaware with K. Getting frustrated only makes things worse. You make more mistakes just because you’ve allowed yourself to tense up and get your mind all worked up. So I’ve slowly learned to keep myself relaxed. Well, at least when I’m driving stick.

At the mall, we had a pretty good time. We had lunch at Uno’s, which we finished at about 1:30. And then we spent the next four hours walking around the mall and shopping. We had a great time. We just chatted and went through stores. Mike hassled me about how he knew I was going to spend money, though. I really didn’t know what to make of that. Do I really spend that much money? Of course, at least I didn’t buy the Vaio desktop I was looking at. Mainly because I didn’t have enough available credit on my credit card, but that’s beside the point. I’ll just have to wait until after Christmas.

While there, I also learned about the joys of the Build-A-Bear Workshop. Now that is an absolutely awesome store. I’m hoping to take my nieces and nephews up there sometime in the future. I think that it would be fun to take each one through the store to make and dress their own stuffed animal. I thought it was an incredible idea. I almost made one for myself, but decided against it.

Speaking of stuffed animals, I also seriously considered picking up a present to send to Marisa (or maybe it would’ve been better directed to her littles). We went to the Disney store and I got looking through the stuffed animals. And I found some small stuffed Eeyores — with removable tails! But I figured she already had one. Had I had her number, I might’ve considered calling and checking. It was just too cute. Of course, I’m an Eeyore fan myself.

Mike looked around for a shirt for his nephew. His nephew needs a light-colored shirt for band concerts. We looked all through JC Penny, but he really couldn’t decide on what he should get. While there, though, I found the perfect Christmas gift for my father. They have remote “weather stations” that record the temperature and relative humidity. My father being the major weather buff he is, I figured it’d be the perfect gift for him. Apparently, Mom agrees, because she just about gasped when I sowed it to her after I got home. But this makes me happy. Dad’s usually one of the hardest people to shop for when it comes to gifts. So it’s nice to have one already picked out for him. And this is the first time I’ve started my Christmas shopping so early. I usually wait until December.

We finally headed home at about 5:45, stopping in Cortland for supper. We had a nice meal at Friendly’s. Mike ended up getting ice cream. Personally, I thought he was nuts, but it was his stomach that would hurt afterwards (and actually, it didn’t). Then we went the rest of the way home. I decided to get a hotel room in Binghamton, since it was getting so late. That and my muscles were getting terribly stiff. Between that and tiredness, I decided that I was real close to becoming a dangerous driver. I couldn’t get Mike to spend the night with me, since his nephew was staying over (especially since he and David had been fighting the night before), so that was kind of a bummer. And I ended up having to search for a hotel. A lot of them were booked, apparently due to a college sporting event or two. It seems like I’ve run into that problem the last few times I decided to get a room at the last minute. Apparently, I have perpetually bad timing. But I finally found vacancies at the Holiday Inn.

Today, I came home and spent most of the afternoon napping. I decided that I needed it after this weekend.

This has been a pretty good for today. I’m not sure how productive I’d call it. Except that some of the things I did will definitely prove beneficial for me. Especially if I can manage to keep up with them over a long period of time.

The first thing that I did was a fifteen minute breathing meditation. It went quite well, once I got over the shakes in the beginning. That was quite interesting, really. There’s nothing like having small shudders through your body as you’re tryign to relax and get your breathing into a slow, steady rhythm. But once I managed that, I did quite well. I did have to adjust my body’s position about ten minutes through it, though. I suddenly found myself feeling slightly uncomfortable. I really need to make time to do this more often. I don’t meditate nearly often enough.

The next thing I did was go down to the park and walk the path there. I even went a full mile. I’m trying to convince myself to get up the dedication to walk regularly again. It’s something I know I need to do. I also know how good it is for me. I know that when I walk regularly, I’m much more clear minded. My emotional state tends to be better, overall. Isn’t it funny how we fail to do things that we know are good for us?

This evening, I also went out. I needed to just get out of the house for a bit. So I ran out and bought a collar and leash for Precious. I want to be able to take her outdoors under controlled circumstances. I don’t want to let her out to roam free — I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable doing that even if her next FeLV test comes back negative. But I do want to be able to let her go out with me. She gets so jealous when Dad takes the dog out on the front porch to sit.

While I was out, I also ate at Friendly’s. I had a nice conversation with Rachael. She and I haven’t talked for weeks. It was nice. And her little boy is growing up quite quickly. He looks like such an imp, too.

While I was at the restaurant, I also sat down and read chapter twelve of Triumph of the Moon. Of course, I still have to reach chapters four through eleven. However, J pointed out to me that each chapter is mostly self-contained, so I decided to read the chapter that the online discussion group is currently discussing. That way, I can keep up with the conversation and participate. I just have to remember to go back through and read the other chapters.