Gender and Sexuality, Movies

“I pierced the toast!”

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This weekend, I rented and watched The Birdcage. This is one of those movies that I love to watch every now and then, as it never fails to make me laugh. Of course, this time, I also noticed another reason I loved this movie.

When Val first asks Armand to “tone down” the house and “act straight” during his future in-laws’ visit, Armand responds quite negatively and vehemently. The groom-to-be’s father indicates quite clearly that he is a “middle aged fag” and happy with himself. He further goes on to point out that he didn’t spend years getting to the point he was at to hide now. In fact, it’s my memory of that speech that inspired me to rent the movie for this weekend.

That statement reflects the driving principle of myself right now, self-acceptance and self-expression. After all, these are the central themes of not only gay pride, but pride in general. It’s the growing realization of who I am, what I want to be, what I like, and what I want. Beyond realization, it’s the constant choice of embracing these things and seeking them out. It is the never-ending choice of being true to myself and the deep desires of my being and allowing nothing to deter me from it.

Of course, I think I can really identify with this movie because it hits close to home in another way. Towards the end, Barbara’s father asks her how many other lives she must “ruin” in order to be happy. While such a question is over the top and unfair, it does point out that while it’s easy to take an outlook of “the world be damned” in general, our choices do affect those close to us in various ways. And that’s never an easy thing to grapple with.

I’m struggling with this in my own life right now. For various reasons, I’m becoming increasingly convinced that I need to put a pride sticker on my car. And in many ways, it’s something I want to do, because it’s important to me. And yet, for the last few years, I have refrained from doing so because of the problems it could cause in my family. After all, I drive this car to family reunions and similar events.

To be honest, if my only concern was that certain members in my extended family would give me grief over it, I’d go ahead anyway. I’ve accepted that some of my relatives are self-righteous jerks, and I’m perfectly fine with that. After all, I don’t really have to spend any time with them. After all, I don’t even have to go to family functions, and have certainly skipped a significant number of them in the past.

However, I also know that those same family members would not restrict themselves to making comments to me. I know they will most likely make comments to my parents. I’ve seen them do it in the past. I listened as they made hurtful comments to another aunt and uncle when their own daughter made choices that the rest of the family decided were “inappropriate” and “immoral.” And the thought of my own parents going through such an experience because of my choices is a bitter pill to swallow.

And yet, I’m coming to realize that it’s still my life. It’s still my choice. And making my choices for my parents’ sake rather than following my own path is ultimately just another way of failing to be true to myself. So as painful as it may be, I know I need to follow my own heart and hope my parents find the strength to endure.

Randomness

Six weird things about me

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As friends are doing the “six weird things about me” meme, I decided I wanted to play along. Of course, I’m still struggling with the whole fact that enough of my life is weird that I’m not sure how to pick six “exceptionally weird” things to list. But at any rate, here goes:

1. I don’t like revealing skirts or shorts. Both should come down to the point where the knees are just barely visible.
2. My favorite musical of all time is “Sweeny Todd.”
3. I don’t really see what everyone sees in Brad Pitt.
4. I usually cry at some point during animated movies.
5. I love Frank Peretti’s books.
6. At least seven times out of ten, given the choice between the two, I’d choose a nice long cuddle over sex. Of course, if I can have both at the same time, all the better.

I think most of the people who read my blog have already done those, so I’m not going to bother tagging anyone.

Humor

Oh yeah, and I also got “laid”

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In my last post, I left out an amusing anecdote from the lunch trip with Mindy and Belinda. When we went to lunch, Min ended up driving because both Belinda’s car and my own were filled with junk. So we all piled into the cleanest car of the three. I noticed a couple of Hawaiian leis hanging over the front passenger seat. I commented on how beautiful they were, and Min offered to let me take one. After pondering whether I felt okay with it, I decided to accept her generous offer. I ended up choosing the one that had light blue and lavender (there’s that color again!) flowers. The other one was pretty too, but this one was more subdued, and therefore seemed more appropriate for me. I ended up wearing it for the rest of the day. Naturally, this resulted in many jokes along the lines of the title of this post.

It was quite funny to notice the reaction many people had throughout the day. After all, I wore this in Psychic’s Thyme for the rest of the afternoon, and at the restaurant when Michele, Belinda, and I decided to have dinner together at Red Robin. And I wore it into the two convenience stores I stopped at later that night. According to Michele, the people a few tables away from us in Red Robbin kept staring at me like they were trying to figure out why I was wearing it, as did one of the waitresses. The girl at the Kwik Fill actually came out and asked if I was planning on going out that night or something. Of course, I also got a lot of compliments on it, as everyone thought it was quite pretty. What can I say, I like pretty things. In some ways, I do fit the stereotypes about gay men.

I had considered wearing it again today, but realized I had no shirts clean that it would really go with. Today, I’m wearing a rainbow-color shirt whose colors are just too bright and loud to match the more subdued pastels of the lei. It wouldn’t have looked the same as it did against my white “2QT2BSTR8” tee shirt. I might have also been able to get away with my white tee shirt with the rainbow-colored cats embroidered on it. The rainbow colors on that shirt are also bright and somewhat loud, but I think that given that most of the shirt is white, it would still work.

So over the next several weeks, I suspect I’ll wear the silly thing off and on. I think that’s mostly because it is silly, and I’m in the mood to express a little bit of silliness. Plus I like the idea of wearing something that I consider pretty.

Daily Life, Friends, Going Out, Personal Development

Being shameless and feeling safe

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After deciding to take a night to myself and watching movies on Friday night, I decided to return to the business of exploring my more social nature yesterday. As Michele was working at Psychic’s Thyme, I decided to go there for part of the day and hang out with her. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Belinda was also there. As it turns out Belinda had invited her daughter, Min, to stop in and visit too. I have to admit that I had a bit of fun giving Min a hard time, and received at least as well as I gave.

Min and Belinda decided to go to lunch and invited me to go along. I graciously accepted, and we ended up going to the Chinese Buffet in Jefferson Plaza in Henrietta. We had a pleasant lunch and a great conversation. On the way back to the shop, Min took us to her apartment so that Belinda could see it. Min was kind enough to not make me wait in the car. Given the guy we ran into on the way into the apartment building, I was grateful for that.

We parked on the street behind this kid (well, he was probably in his early twenties) who was getting stuff out of his SUV. We headed for the apartment building, only to discover that the young man had the same destination in mind. As I reached the door first, I held it open for the ladies and even waiting the few extra seconds to hold it for the other guy who was just a few steps behind us. Of course, this meant that he passed me, thereby giving me an excellent opportunity to check him out. Naturally, I made excellent use of such an opportunity. Belinda caught me and waited long enough to accuse me of “shameful behavior” once the young man was out of earshot. I simply pointed out to her that I’d actually have to have shame first, and that my lack of shame made it shameless behavior.

Of course, Belinda was pretty sneaky herself. As the three of us approached the small elevator in the building, the same man was busy loading his stuff into the small car. Min waved me to step into the elevator myself and then told Belinda to get in. Instead, she chose to wait for the elevator to come back. She later told me I “owed her” for letting me have some time with the guy alone. Considering we hardly even spoke, I don’t feel I owe her anything.

After checking out the apartment and chatting for a bit, we headed back to the shop. Min said her goobyes, as she had work that afternoon. Belinda and I spent the rest of the day hanging out and chatting until the shop closed. As a result, I get to know Tobie and her kids better, which was a pleasure.

I realized just how much I like hanging out there. Psychic’s Thyme is one of those places where I feel socially comfortable. It’s a place where I have a sense of how I fit in, and I can usually get a conversation going with someone. But it’s also a place where I feel confident saying hello to the random people who come and go through the day. I realized it’s perfectly natural for me to greet customers as they enter and say goodbye as they leave. This is especially beneficial in those situations where those actually working there are busy with other matters (like ringing a purchase up) and therefore aren’t able to do so themselves. And of course, if a customer is in the mood to make a bit of conversation while shopping, I’ve found I can do that as well.

I hope that as I continue to come to Equal Grounds and attend various COAP events, I find myself develop a similar sense of safety and self-confidence there. In reality, that’s exactly what I need, so that I can feel safe enough opening up and even taking some initiative in building friendships.

Daily Life, Friends, Going Out

My first COAP dinner experience

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Last night, as planned, I headed over to The Golden Port to meet other COAP members for a late dinner. I arrived a bit late, but found the large group. I ended up sitting down on one end. Marlena sat across from me. I didn’t catch the name of the gentleman who sat to my right. When he came, a man by the name of Sam sat to my left.

I haven’t entirely made up my mind about how I feel about the experience, to be honest with you. This is because it was a chaotic dinner and there were both high points and low points. I’ve pretty much decided that I need to attend the same dinner next month and possibly the one after that before I make up my mind about whether I’m going to continue going to them.

In fairness to the group, I was tired by the time I got there. I had worked until 7pm that evening, and my shift had been mentally exhausting. Combine that with the general physical inactivity of a desk job, and you have a state of being that didn’t quite put me at my peak for socializing, anyway. Add to that the fact that my natural shyness and tendency towards introversion was trying to assert itself at the same time, and I have to admit that I was not in my element to begin with.

Now, add to this the fact that most of the other dinner-goers had just come from the business forum. Both Zara and Jennie talked to me about the business forum, but I really don’t understand much about it other than (1) it serves as a monthly fundraiser for Pride and (2) it involves the consumption of alcohol. So I was tired, feeling introverted, and surrounded by a group of people who were all intoxicated to some degree or another. This is not a good combination when you’re empathically gifted. So I spent a couple moments at various points in the dinner just trying to get my already work-addled mind to put my shielding exercises to effective use.

Then there was the minor issue of the fact that I was a newcomer entering into a group situation where everyone else knew each other and were great friends for the most part. I think it’s difficult for all but the most socially agressive people to find a way to break in on that sort of situation. So I was finding it difficult to get involved in the conversations that I was able to hear and follow through all the chaos.

Sam and I did talk a bit, however. We didn’t say anything earth shattering, mind you. But I will admit that he was a bit more outgoing than the others seated immediately around me, which helped me break the ice a bit better. He was quite funny, and I was able to warm up a bit more after his arrival, for which I’m grateful.

Also, towards the end of the meal, Zara got up from her seat and wandered around so that she could say hello to those who were too far from her while she was eating. She came down and spoke to Sam and I for a while, which was a nice experience. Even that brief conversation improved my own experience a great deal. She told me about the business forum, and encouraged me to attend that as well next month. I haven’t made a final decision, though I am certainly considering it. I asked her if they also serve non-alcoholic beverages (the only thing more trying than being an empath around intoxicated people is being an intoxicated empath around intoxicated people — and possibly even sober people), which I don’t think she ever actually answered, come to think of it. Of course, she made sure that Sam and I had been introduced and gotten along. Sam made up this rather amusing melodramatic story about how it had been rough at first and we even had a spat, but we were able to patch things up. It was hillarious, and Estella would’ve loved it.

So overall, I suppose I did have a good time. At least I had a good enough time that I’m willing to give it another try come May. However, given this experience, I think I’ll try to plan ahead a bit. For example, I will do my best to make sure that I don’t work longer hours earlier in the day. If at all possible, I’ll even try to put in an extra hour or so earlier in the week so I can knock off a bit early. That way, I can get in some meditation and other work to better prepare myself for the chaos. That should help put me in a state where I’m more able to focus on trying to be sociable. And hopefully, as I attend a few more times, I’ll start getting to know people better and find it easier to find a place in the various conversations going on.

Going Out, Introspection, Memories, Personal Development

Thinking back and looking ahead

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Today, I got looking through old diary entries from the time when I moved up here to Rochester. As I read through them, it amazed me to notice how things have progressed since then. Things simply didn’t work out the way I expected them to. But that’s okay, because I like the way things turned out better than I would’ve had they gone the way I’d originally planned.

I think one of the things that truly amuses me is the fact that I mentioned in two separate entries how close the mall was to my townhouse. I was quite excited about that fact when I moved in. That’s understandable, as the closest mall to me back when I lived with my parents was more than thirty minutes away by car.

Today, I rarely go to the mall. (And when I do, I will often make the trip out to the Eastview Mall instead.) In reality, I’m just not a big shopper, and I realized that hanging out at the mall and people watching (one of my original goals) just wasn’t my style. I’d much rather interact with people rather than watch them. So now, I’m finding myself preferring the coffee shops and other venues where conversation is more likely to pop up.

Of course, I still like that all the other stores that cropped up around the mall are still there. Being ten minutes from Best Buy, Borders, Target, and Wal-Mart is still a plus. But those are conveniences, whereas the closeness of a mall was a novelty that quickly wore off.

Shortly after I moved, I also started making plans to volunteer at Lollypop Farms. I’ve officially given that up. I quit going regularly back before Christmas and just decided that while I enjoyed working with the cats and chatting with the staff and volunteers as we worked side by side, I’d rather sleep in after doing things on Saturday nights. And any other shift would similarly interfere with other activities I’ve gotten into since coming to the area.

I also tried three classes through the Rush-Henrietta school district’s continuing education program the first nine months I was here. I enjoyed every last one of them, but they weren’t quite what I expected. I had joined to meet people, and I did exactly that. But I also found that most of them were older people. As I was and am trying to meet people in my own age bracket, I decided to give that a halt.

However, I will note that I’m toying with the idea of teaching a class. The blogging class I took through them was discontinued after the first quarter they tried it. This was because the instructor for the class took a new job and was no longer able to teach the class. I’ve considered talking to the continuing education office about teaching my own class of that sort. But I haven’t committed yet.

While I didn’t mention it in any of the diary entries back then, I would also note that I had originally checked out COAP. Back then, I decided not to join. Most of the events they described at the time were outings and trips, and I just couldn’t see myself getting involved when I didn’t know anyone. And yet, now, I’m becoming an increasingly active member in COAP. I’ve attended the last three game nights, and I’m off to a dinner this evening and eagerly anticipating the increased number activities that Woody says tend to start in the summer.

Learning about game night from Rob contributed greatly to my decision to reconsider my position on COAP. I wasn’t prepared to go to Toronto with a bunch of strangers. But I could definitely see myself sitting around playing board games (actually, we have yet to play one) and card games with them. It was a setting that I could be relatively comfortable in, and it’s proved quite rewarding.

But I also think it was a matter of me just not being ready until this past February. As I look back over the past twenty months, I realize that I’ve gone through a lot of growth and healing which have greatly boosted my self-confidence. This in turn has helped me learn to be more open to and even desire increased socialization. And I was able to see how much I needed it. So things changed, and now I’m ready to take those extra steps that I was only ready to talk about back when I moved here. In some ways, I guess you could say that moving here began a transitional period in my life that is only now drawing to a close. And as it does, I’m finding myself with a stronger foundation to reap the benefits of those changes.

Geeky

Geek talk

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One of the annoyances that I run into due to my job as a software engineer is that when I tell most people that I’m a software engineer is that most people get that I work with computers. Unfortunately, they assume that this means I work with personal computers, which usually leads to them uttering the phrase, “You know, I’m having problem with Windows, and…” That’s usually when I have to stop to them and explain to them that when it comes to the PC world, I’m only slightly more knowledgeable than the average user. Most of my professional expertise is in the world of embedded systems.

Of course, part of the problem is that the average person doesn’t really understand what an embedded system is. They’re naturally inclined to think “computer” and picture that machine with a monitor, keyboard, and mouse they have sitting on their desk. So that usually leaves me racking my brain figuring out the best way to explain what an embedded system is.

Today, while talking to Tracie, I realized that I’ve been overlooking a perfect example of an embedded system (though the more geekish might argue how accurately said example can really be called an embedded system) that everyone is familiar with. In fact, three different flavors of this example are quite popular now, the Xbox360, the Nintendo Wii, and the Playstation 3. In the loosest sense, gaming consoles are embedded computer systems.

For those who may not know what an embedded system is, it is a “computer” system that is designed and programmed to perform a dedicated task, as opposed to a general purpose computer — most notably a PC — which is designed to be highly configurable and usable for just about any task. A game console fits this definition quite well in that it is a computer system designed to do exactly one thing: Allow a user to play games.

Most importantly, as an example of an embedded system, the gaming console excels in that it shows the advantage of embedded systems over general purpose computers. After all, a user can play games on his PC as well. However, because the PC is designed for multiple purposes, playing a game on a PC incurs a great deal of overhead. The game software has to interface with a rather complex operating system that has been highly abstracted and work with (or bypass, which is just as problematic) the operating system’s device drivers in order to access resources like the keyboard, mouse, game controller, and graphics controller. If there are other applications running in the background, the game has to be able to play nice with them as well. The net result is that games can run slow on a PC. Anyone who has played many graphics intensive games on a PC will notice that there are just times when the image or sound lags while the computer tries to catch up. This is usually because the operating system or some other application has been doing things to steal resources from the game.

Like any embedded system, a gaming console doesn’t have this problem. The core operating system on the console is bare bones, and designed to support the current game being played. Because of this, the game has access to all of the system’s resources and doesn’t have to worry about another application jumping in and slowing it down. More importantly, the interface to devices like the graphics controller, game controller, and audio controller are much simpler and less abstracted. In fact, while I cannot say so for certain, it would not surprise me if most console games access these devices at the hardware level directly rather than going through any device driver at all. Again, with an embedded system serving a single dedicated purpose, this is not only possible, but perfectly acceptable.

Of course, as I said, a game console is not a perfect example. After all, they are still far more configurable and less dedicated than more traditional embedded systems, such as the electronic computer module that controls the fuel injection process in your car. The game console can accept different games, which will provide different software and a different gaming experience for the user, which makes it slightly more “general purpose” than some purists might consider worthy of being declared an embedded system. However, as a coworker pointed out a few months ago, this is a problem in the world of embedded systems in general. With the increasing features being added to cell phones and PDA’s (two other devices that have tradtionally been considered embedded systems), the line between general purpose computers and embedded computers is becoming increasingly blurred every day.

Friends, Going Out

Woohoo!

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I checked the mail when I got home tonight. My tickets to the Vickie Shaw next Friday just arrived. Now I just have to find someone to go with.

Michele suggested I ask someone at COAP if they’d like to go. That’s actually kind of tempting, but I’m a bit concerned that someone I’d ask would get the wrong impression. After all, I just wanta friend to hang out with. I’m not looking to necessarily have this be a dating thing. At least not yet.

Emotions

Emotional Week

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On another site, I ended up asking all my friends to reassure me that I didn’t sound as emo as I feel like I’ve been sounding. I even went so far as to tell them to lie to me if they have to. I just reached the point today where I just feel like I’ve been way too emotional and whiny. And I hate it when I get like that.

Of course, I figure I’ve had good reason to be emotional and whiny. I’ve been going through a lot of things lately. I’ve been dredging up memories, past hurts, current troubles, and personal revelations that haven’t been entirely comfortable to face. So while I hope to break out of this state of feeling like I’m often on the verge of tears, I think I’ve had more than enough valid reasons to be in such a state.

And it’s not like I’ve falled into a deep pit of despair or anything even half that melodramatic. There have been the moments of cheer, the reasons to smile, and just a sense that there’s still good in both the world and my personal life, no matter how topsy turvy it may feel right this second.

Truth be told, such emotional periods like this are a part of the path I’ve chosen to walk this time around. In reality, they’re a part of any path, but I do think they are somewhat amplified on my journey. After all, I serve a goddess who is all about passion, and passion has it’s down sides, too. After all, passion is also a synonym for suffering. And let’s face it, my Lady is not one to do anything half-way, no matter what that thing happens to be.

And in reality, I’m not sure I’d change it anyway. After all, the fact that I’ve tasted such sorrow and bitterness has enabled me to feel great joy and ecstasy as well. Allowing myself to fully experience even the unpleasantness has granted me the freedom to discover and embrace astounding blissfulness as well. And in the end, I think it’s worth it.

But all the same, I’ll be glad when this downturn has passed. And I really do hope I don’t sound too emo.

Emotions, Friends, Grief

It’s never easy

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Saying goodbye to a friendship is never easy. However, I think it’s hardest when neither of you really want to say goodbye, yet know you have to. That’s the situation I’ve found myself in this week, and it’s quite possibly the most painful experience I’ve ever had. And let me just say that coming from someone who was on the brink of suicide twice in his life and even allowed other people to convince him that he was evil incarnate for about a week, that’s saying quite a lot.

It would be so much easier if either of us had done something malicious to the other. It would be easier if there had just been a fight, an argument over some sense of having been wronged. But there wasn’t any such thing. Instead, life has simply gotten in the way, and we can’t be there for each other right now. What’s worse, there’s no real guarantee of when that will change — or even that it ever will. That’s left one of us feeling hurt and the other feeling rather guilty. A bad situation all around.

So for now, we’ve said our goodbyes. They may be temporary, or they may be permanent. For now, I’m inclined to treat them as though they are permanent, simply because it’ll make the healing process easier, I think. There won’t be that temptation to go into denial about the whole thing and wait for something that may not come. If it comes — and I hope it does — it will be great. But in the meantime, there’s work to be done. So I’ll shed my tears and grieve so that I can get on with it as well as I can.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.