Daily Life, Emotions, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Realization

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Due to a conversation we got into, Brian commented on the fact that this diary has been pretty focused on my lack of a relationship. I wish I could say he was wrong. But he’s not. And that bugs me. I don’t want to be desperate for a relationship. I don’t want to have it consume me. I really want to get back to that point where I’m okay with being single and stay there.

But it’s difficult. Right now, I’m going through this whole thing where I’m becoming more aware of my sexual nature again. And at the risk of giving out too much information, my libido seems to be on the rise right now. It’s difficult to be going through these kinds of processes and not feel some stress over the fact that I have no one to explore that side of myself with.

Of course, the other thing I’m starting to realize is that my desire for a relationship is in part a desire to be able to put an end to the socializing thing. As I’ve said before, this whole thing of getting out more, doing things, and meeting people is all new to me. And while I’ve enjoyed it, it’s not entirely comfortable for me. It’s different. And there’s that part of me that would like to dream of only doing it until I find my special someone and then retreat back into the familiarity of my comfort zones.

Of course, rationally, I know that’d be a mistake. Truth be told, even if I were to meet the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with tomorrow, I still need to work on building up a network of friends and a general social life. I still need to learn to find and enjoy activities. I still need to meet more people and face new experiences. If I was to retreat back into my solitude, even with a wonderful guy who’s perfect for me, I’d ultimately be doing myself a horrible disservice.

And yet, I can’t deny how attractive or tempting an idea it is right now.

Family, Friends, Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Time with the parents

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I had a relatively good Easter. I made it home at around 5 yesterday evening. Mom made meatloaf for supper. That’s a meal I haven’t had in some time, and I certainly appreciated it last night. After supper, I took a four hour nap. Of course, that meant that when I got back up, I spent most of the night either watching a movie or chatting with people online. I didn’t get to bed until almost 7am. Fortunately, I was able to sleep in until 10am that morning.

I spent part of today playing around with RocWiki. I ended up creating a page on there for the POC, as well as doing some other minor editing. And I created my user profile page, of course. I’m starting to become enamored with the whole Wiki concept, to be honest with you.

Mom served the traditional Easter dinner with ham, potatoes, gravy, and stuffing at a little after two in the afternoon. Because I wanted to get home to take care of Precious (I left her here in Rochester as I didn’t want to stress her out with the traveling for an overnight trip) and do some other odds and ends, I left shortly after lunc. I did wait around long enough to get a cooler and a tupperware dish filled with a few hunks of ham, however.

Let me just say as an aside that I absolutely despise Easter. Not the holiday itself, but the fact that just about everything is closed all day because of the holiday. When I got home, I was in the mood to get out in the public for a while. So I decided to try running to a couple of the coffeehouses in the area to get a nice drink and do some writing. But alas, they were both closed. After the second one, I decided to just give up.

It’s a shame that everything was closed. One of the reasons that I went out was that I was really craving social interaction. Actually, going home for even twenty four hours drove home just how much I really am craving that right now. (Of course, the lengthy, deeply personal and somewhat discomforting IM conversation I had with Brian didn’t help that, either.) In some ways, I felt trapped there at my parents’ house.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents very much and I like spending time with them. But there’s a reason I left that area. It’s not a good place for a liberally-minded gay guy to try building friendship and build a social network. And going back there, even for an overnight visit, tends to remind me of that. Especially right now since I’m working on trying to break that lack of human interaction and learning to release the social butterfly that really does appear to be hiding somewhere inside of me.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the Wednesday night game night all the more. And I plan on getting out to do some writing on Tuesday, too.

Daily Life, Family, Friends

My friends are mean

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I figured since I wasn’t heading home for the holiday until today, I’d head out a little later in the day so that I could go visit friends at Psychic’s Thyme. Michele was working today, and Belinda came up with her for the day, as they planned on spending the evening in the city after the store closed. Char was there, too, which made for a pleasant visit.

Apparently, Michele and Belinda had decided to go to Macaroni Grill. Char decided to join them, and they also invited their friend, Jim. I was also invited, but I figured my mother would kill me if I didn’t come home. So I yelled at my friends for picking a day to do something like that when I couldn’t join them. Of course, they offered to call my parents that I wouldn’t make it home because they’d tied me up, but I didn’t figure Mom would buy that. So I came home and missed out on all the fun. Hopefully, it won’t be more than a month (and hopefully less) before we have another outing like that.

This coming Wednesday is another COAP game night. I’m already looking forward to it. I’ve enjoyed the last two game nights I’ve been to. I especially enjoyed the one two weeks ago because after the games were put away, a few of us stuck around and chatted for a bit. In many ways, that was even more enjoyable than the game playing. Of course, playing the games together helped create an atmosphere where conversation could flow more freely. I’m finding that it’s a lot easier to talk once you’ve spent an hour stealing cards out of each other’s hands or screwing each other out of points and talking about getting even the entire time. When you stop and think about it, though, that’s rather messed up. The games get rather cutthroat, and yet we’re able to set it all aside in the end and act like great friends. But then, I suppose my friends at college had a similar sort of dynamic going in our relationships.

Car

I guess it could’ve been worse

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The mechanic got me in and back on the road in under half an hour. It turns out that one of the lines hadn’t been tightened properly and was still leaking brake fluid. So they took care of it and wished me a good day.

While I’m certainly glad that they got me in so quickly, were able to fix the problem easily, and didn’t even try to charge me (which was smart of them, considering they were the ones who improperly tightened the line), I did feel like they could’ve been a bit more apologetic about the whole incident. After all, we’re talking about my brakes. That sort of slip-up could’ve had me unable to brake as I came upon slow-moving traffic on one of the interstates. Or it could have left me unable to stop at a red light. And even though it wasn’t that major, it still meant that I had to postpone my travel plans for a day, rearrange my schedule to drive back to the mechanic, and spend the time — which was inconvenient no matter how brief — waiting for them to look at the problem and fix it.

Originally, the mechanic hadn’t even planned on telling me what was wrong. He just pulled the car out front, walked in, and told me I was good to go. I had to ask him what the problem was. And then he told me matter-of-factly without so much as a “sorry about that.” Call me crazy, but even the slightest admission of guilt over the original mistake would’ve been nice.

Of course, I should note that Louie, the guy who usually books appointments and otherwise interfaces with the customers, wasn’t working today. I suspect if he had been, things would’ve been different. Louie’s the kind of guy who thinks about these kinds of things and does his best to make sure the customer feels okay about everything. But geez, if the other guys in the shop can’t even manage to acknowledge they screwed up and offer even a brief apology for it, maybe they should just close the garage on days Louie isn’t there.

Car

Argh!

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This evening, while driving home from work, my brake light came on again. What’s worse, it’s not turning off this time. Considering that the brake light was the whole reason the silly thing was in the garage over the weekend and for the first two days of this week, I am not a happy camper.

I have called my parents and informed them that I will not be driving home tonight due to the fact that I need to go have words with a mechanic. Dad’s offering to come pick me up for the weekend so I can be home with them. If my car is not done by noon, I may take him up on that offer. However, considering that I just paid the mechanic a significant amount of money to fix my brakes only to discover they’re now worse, I’m thinking the mechanic would be wise to move my car to the head of the queue tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I might be even less pleasant than I already expect to be.

Daily Life, Deep Thoughts, Emotions, Going Out, Introspection, Memories, Personal Development, Writing

Day in Review

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I lost my cell phone this morning. When I got to the customer site, I went to take it off my belt, only to find the belt clip was empty. I couldn’t do anything about it, so I prayed that I somehow left it at home (not really a possibility, given the belt clip was with me) and went in to work. After work, I decided to run right home to check. My neighbor came out the front door as I got out of my car. It turns out that I had lucked out. Apparently, I knocked the silly thing off while dusting the snow off my car this morning. My neighbor had come home at lunch and found it. So I thanked him profusely and hopped back into my car to head for Equal Grounds.

I almost went to Jitters here in Henrietta instead. As of yesterday, the POC started having our weekly Meet and Greets there, and I found it an incredibly enjoyable place. However, I decided I wanted the slightly more cozy atmosphere of my old haunt, so I made the drive to the South Wedge. While there, I wrote some erotica and the next chapter of Journey.

While there, a couple other patrons watched Hide and Seek. I glanced up from time to time to watch the giant screen (it was less than four feet from me) for a few seconds, but I mainly focused on the writing. From what I saw, it was a pretty bizarre movie, and I never expected the ending.

The new chapter in Journey is about my longest relationship. It was a strange one to write. I’m finding that as the events I’m writing about get closer and closer to the modern day, it’s a little harder to write. Of course, part of that is because the issues Ihave to write about are things I’m still working on in some sense. This became apparent as I wrote the last few paragraphs of this chapter. I realized that the end of that relationship was about realizing what I deserved and demanding it. That’s something I’m still working on right now, and the need to continue insisting on the kind of love, affection, and attention I both want and deserve is a lesson that’s getting driven home right now.

Introspection, Movies

Another example of why I’m the male Mary Poppins.

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While responding to a comment that Artharaja left me a couple days ago, I found myself reminded of a small exchange from the movie “Mary Poppins” that I’ve always loved. It’s a brief exchange between Mary and the children’s father which I believe comes shortly after the whole scene with the chimney sweeps. After the children run upstairs, the father begins to get quite agitated and demands that the nanny explain herself. After listening to him, Mary responds by saying, “Well, the first thing that you need to understand is that I never explain myself.” Upon uttering these words, she trots up the stairs after the children.

What makes this scene so great, and clearly demonstrates that Julie Andrews is an acting goddess, is the delivery of that single line. The first part of the statement (that which I didn’t italicize) is spoken with a calm, almost conciliatory tone. However, once the nanny begins the second portion of her statement (the italicized portion), her tone undergoes a transformation into something that clearly tells the father, “You may pay my salary, but do not make the mistake of thinking you’re my boss.” Mary’s entire response and the delivery of that response makes it clear that this is a subject that will tolerate no debate. It’s an attitude that I can completely appreciate in many situations.

Of course, Mary Poppins has the distinct advantage of living in a film world that caters to her every whim. The father must continue to sign her paychecks simply because the script says he must. Should I choose to take such an approach with my own employer, I could find myself collecting unemployment in the near future. And despite the fact that I am likely able to gain a great deal of leeway with my employer due to being a great employee, I have no delusions that I’m the superman that Mary Poppins is (diary name aside).

And yet, there are those areas in my life in which I can get away with such an attitude. A good number of my friends are willing to put up with a certain amount of obstinance on my part simply because they know that I’m a good friend. (Of course, it helps that I don’t abuse the privelege as a rule.) And in those social situations where such an attitude might cost me something, I’m in a position where I can actually choose to accept the loss. Like Mary, I can simply say my peace and walk away. The trick is making sure I’m prepared to walk away and can live with that choice.

Car

Back to Boring Burgandy

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This morning, I turned in the queermobile and picked up the keys to my more sensible Mercury Sable. I’m going to miss that little lavender ride, though I’m glad I don’t have to pay another day’s rental on it.

I first went to the mechanic’s shop to get the bad news. It was bad indeed, but my bank account didn’t die despite the fact that I bled it hard to pay my bill. The guy at the counter was quite sympathetic and commented on the fact that Ford vehicles seem to be notorious for having their struts and springs go bad pretty quickly.

I then took the time to move the half dozen items I needed for work from the queermobile over to my car before hopping back into the lavender delight to drive the final two blocks to its rightful owner. They quickly checked the car out and offered me a ride to wherever I needed to go. If the weather hadn’t been rainy, I would’ve turned them down and counted the two block trek on foot a good thing for my under-active body. But having a mild aversion to dampness, I graciously accepted the offer.

I believe the name of the young man (I’m guessing he’s in his early to mid twenties) who gave me a lift was Jeff. We had a pleasant enough conversation, and I realized just how witty and friendly I can be. And well, let’s just say that Jeff wasn’t exactly hard on the eyes. At any rate, we got to the mechanic and I hopped into my car to head on to work.

I must say that upon climbing into my car, my dreams of painting it lavender quickly died. My interior has way too much of a brown tint (it’s actually a shade of beige) to go well with that kind of exterior color. And considering that the seats are all leather, I refuse to redo the interior just to match the color. So for now, I’ll have to live with a burgandy car.

I’m going to miss that little PT Cruiser.

Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Some things are better learned at a younger age

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One of the things that I’m realizing right now is just how little I know about building and maintaining a social life. A simple matter of getting tickets to a comedy show and finding someone to go with strikes me as intimidating. And yet, these are things that people do all the time.

But then, most people have been doing things like this since their youth. To me, this whole idea of getting out and having a fun night on the town is pretty new. And that’s a pretty disconcerting epiphany to have. In retrospect, I wish I had made more of an effort to do these kinds of things when I was younger.

Of course, growing up in rural Pennsylvania didn’t help that. For youth in my hometown, the options were pretty much limited to going to church events (which I did a fair share of, myself) or find the nearest drinking party. The latter was completely not me. I didn’t drink, and certainly didn’t believe in underage drinking. Besides, I had little in common with those holding such parties.

Some of the more fortunate individuals could possibly go to the Arnot Mall just across the state line. There, options including just hanging out at the mall, shopping, or catching a movie. Unfortunately, I didn’t have transportation, nor knew anyone who did. As a result, I had a substantially quiet life at home, spending most of my time in solitude.

In college, I was a bit more socially active. I had the friends from Acts 29 and InterVarsity. But even then, we tended to hang out in someone’s room. Occasionally, we might catch a movie as a group or run to one of the restaurants. Or we might even occasionally catch a play produced by the school’s drama department. But we didn’t spend a lot of time going out into the world.

After college, it was back to rural Pennsylvania. This time I had a car, and could go to the more populated areas about half an hour away. But at this point, I had no real close friends, and the idea of going to most events alone frightened me. And I certainly wasn’t aware of most events in the area.

So I find myself having to learn little things here in Rochester, like how to find out about local happenings. I know that there are shows and concerts of all kinds throughout the area, but I’m not entirely sure how to best “plug in” to hear about them in time. (This is probably one of the reasons I jumped on the Vickie Shaw thing so quickly.)

And then there’s the issue that I still don’t want to go to most things alone. Now, the good news there is that I have a handful of friends here. Providing they’re available, I can probably convince one of them to go to just about anything I’d be interested in checking out. But it’s a new mode of thinking that I’m going to have to get used to. And as I said in the beginning, I can’t help but feel like this is something most people learn to do at a younger age and find it much more natural than I do now. That’s a bit frustrating right now.

Going Out, Introspection, Personal Development

Taking a chance on having fun

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This afternoon, I received an email from the COAP mailing list. Apparently, the folks who run the ImageOut Film Festival have arranged for comedian Vickie Shaw to perform here in Rochester on April 20th. I’ve never heard of her before, but figured that I like to laugh, and a night out is always a good idea. So I ordered a couple of tickets.

You heard that right, I ordered two tickets. I decided that since I’m doing something as radical as actually developing a social life for myself, I might as well go all the way and even plan to invite someone to go with me. With any luck, one of my friends will be equally interested in an opportunity to get out and do something entertaining for an evening.

I have to admit, this is somewhat ambitious for me, and it has me feeling a bit weird. Normally, I’d wait until the last minute, hope I could still get a ticket, only get one, and go alone. But I realize that there’s an inherent problem with that modus operandi. The whole point of going to something like this is to have a good time. The way I do these things, I go with the anticipation that I won’t have a good time. What should be fun becomes a matter of obligation, and I end up only going through the motions. So I’m hoping that by getting the tickets somewhat in advance and anticipating finding someone to go with, I can set new expectations for myself. And hopefully, these new expectations will create a better quality of experience. Here’s to hoping.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.