The mark Darcy left

I think everyone has those people who came into their lives for the briefest of moments, yet touched them in a profound way despite how temporary their presense may have been. Darcy was one such person for me. I spoke with her a total of three times in my entire life, and I doubt I’ll ever see her again. And yet, the first night we met, she left an impression I doubt I will ever forget.

That night took place several years ago. It was the night that I agreed to go out to a movie with my older brother — the first and only time I ever went someplace with him since I became an adult. Terry wanted to go see a movie, but didn’t have his license due to legal issues at the time. As such, he needed someone to go with him. Being the generous, if foolish, person I am, I agreed to go with him when he asked me. Both before and after the movie, we decided to hang out at the bar in Ruby Tuesday’s, which was located in the same mall as the cinema complex we went to.

When we returned to the bar after the movie, I was seething. The entire outting had been a real eye opener to just what kind of person — and let me just say that I’m being polite in using that word — my brother was. At one point, I was sure he was going to get himself thrown out of the theater during the movie. (I had decided I was going to sit there pretending I didn’t know him if that happened.) But I allowed him to convince me to return to the bar with him. By that time, Darcy was working behind the bar alone. Things had slowed down enough that Darcy had a lot of idle time, and she and Terry got talking.

Darcy was a sweet girl, a few years older than me at most. She was on the short side with long, blonde hair, but a real spitfire. She was the type of person that could say some incredibly cutting things, yet smile the entire time. I suspect that many of her customers were too drunk to realize she had actually said something biting until after the fact. Her personality struck me as admirable, and entirely conducive to the line of work she was in. And I have to admit that I was enjoying the process of watching her spar with my brother, who was too dumb to recognize all the jabs she got in despite the fact that he was perfectly sober at the time.

The incident that truly earned her my admiration, however, was when the topic turned to that of gay people. I forget what exactly came on the television to spark the conversation, but Terry made some sort of nasty remark on the topic. As I felt my heart sink and my stomach lurch, Darcy turns to Terry and asks him in a friendly, yet pointed manner, “What? Do you have something against gay people?” As soon as she asked the question, she gave me a quick wink. I’m not sure how she had managed to pick me out, but it was clear that like many other people in my life, she had immediately known I was gay. (Fortunately, my brother was clueless, and still is to the best of my knowledge.)

Terry stammered a bit and tried to make excuses. Of course, the first thing he did was played the typical male double standard, pointing out he had no problem with two women being “like that” — and even found it somewhat alluring. However, he pointed out that he just didn’t want any gay guys to hit on him, because that would not be okay.

Darcy’s reaction was incredible in that she didn’t pause, take a breath, or even blink. As soon as Terry said what he did, she just looked at him, smiled, and said in an even if somewhat patronizing voice, “Oh, hon, don’t flatter yourself.” And before either Terry or I had time to register what she said, she was off to serve another customer at the other end of the bar. I just about fell off my bar stool. (And for the record, I was sober, too!) Terry could only respond with a hurt and shocked “Hey!”

I was just totally amazed at how easily, gracefully, and politely Darcy had shot him down. Every time I find myself in a similar situation, I find myself thinking of her response that night. I can only hope I handle things half as well.

I went back two weeks later just to thank Darcy. I also left her a very big tip on my second trip, as an expression of my gratitude. We had a nice conversation, and she was shocked to discover that Terry was my brother. She couldn’t believe we came from the same family.

I only returned one more time after the night I went in to thank Darcy. I’m not the bar type, and even hanging out with such a great gal as Darcy was sufficient reason for me to keep returning. As a result, she disappeared from my life as quickly as she entered it. But that brief encounter is something I still like telling people about several years later. I think I always will.

If Penguins were like Humans

Last night, I decided to rent a couple of movies. One of the movies I chose to rent was Bob Saget’s “mockumentary,” Farce of the Penguins. Let me just say that it was strange to watch a movie like this that was written, directed, and even played in by the same guy who starre in Full House, a family-oriented sitcom I watched religiously all through junior and senior high school.

While the movie was quite funny and had some incredible one liners in it, I particularly liked it because of the social commentary that Saget created with this film. This movie was more than just a parody of the more serious documentatry, March of the Penguins. In this movie, Saget takes the ways in which we humans complicate our own love lives and turn them political and overlays them on the lives of penguins. By doing this, he allows us to see just how ridiculous our attitudes about and approaches to love and sex really are at times. This situation offers us a chance to go from realizing how crazy it would be for penguins to act like us in this realm of their lives to wondering if we might need to find a more sane approach for our lives.

The movie is packed with some great talent, talent that I was somewhat surprised to discover they’d get involved in such an over-the-top movie. I think the most surprising one to me (besides Saget himself) was Samuel L. Jackson, who acts as the ever-faithful narrator through the entire film. How he managed to say some of his lines without laughing is beyond me. I can only chalk it up to a sign of what an accomplished actor he really is.

In general, it was a fantastic movie, though not one I’d recommend watching with young children.

Are you blind, woman?

I just had a knock at the door. I checked the peep hole, to see a woman in her forties or so. So I opened the door a crack and she went into her spiel:

“Hi. I’m Nancy. I’m with a local Christian organization that’s doing a seminar on prophecy. We’re going around letting everyone know about it and passing out literature.”

I politely told her, “Thanks, but I’m really not interested.”

“Oh really?” She sounded genuinely surprised. After I confirmed I wasn’t interested, she said a polite goodbye.

Now, here’s my thing. If she looked at my window, she’d notice (1) a pride sticker and (2) a sticker with a pentagram on it. Now call me crazy, but I’d think those would be a couple huge clues she’d be better of skipping my house.

And to think, I actually had to put on pants to answer the door!

There are days I’d like to quit my job

I just finished and posted the latest chapter of Harald’s Story. Once again, it took me almost a month since I submitted the previous chapter. I’m not entirely thrilled about this, as I originally had hoped to post a minimum of one chapter per week. After all, I want to keep the momentum going with the story. Most importantly, I don’t want it to get away from me like Keylar’s story did. (I’m still rather upset with myself that I allowed myself to stop writing long enough that I can no longer pick up the trail of that one.)

Of course, in my defense, it’s not exactly like my pen (or keyboard, as may be more accurate) has been idle during all this time. I’ve been spending a good portion of my time this week working on my “coming out” story. In fact, I’ve posted at least one new section every day since 11 March (though I doubt I’ll keep that rate up indefinitely). In many ways, it’s just that this project is a bit more pressing in my mind than the adventures of Harald, no matter how worthy his story is to be told. So my sense of priorities have dictated that my time go to one while letting the other rest for a little bit. Add to that the fact that I’ve been sorting out some personal things as well, and you have even less time for Harald, though I’m hoping that will change soon.

Of course, working on multiple writing projects makes me realize one thing. I wish I didn’t have to keep my job to pay my bills. I’d much rather take that time and devote it all to my writing proects. But short of winning the lottery or marrying a billionaire, that doesn’t look likely.

I suppose I could try to find a way to make a living off of the writing projects. In some ways, that’s very tempting. But then, I look at the writing I do and I ask myself whether I really want to do it for money. After all, doing that sort of thing for money can complicate things in ways I’m not sure I’d like. (After all, working as a software enginee has certainly affected my passion for computers.)

And even if I did decide to go that route someday, it would have to be something I’d build up to. I couldn’t just hand in a resignation now and have the money I need tomorrow. I’d have to start building up a reputation to generate the funds from my work. So it’d still be some time before I could give up my current source of income.

So for now at least (and possibly forever), I’ll just have to accept that my writing projects will have to be done with the free time my day job allows me to have, just like every other aspect of my life.

Just a ramble about the day

I had a rather long day at work. I ended up working a ten hour shift, which is an hour longer than the shift I worked on Tuesday. But I needed to work that many hours to get my time in on a particular project. I believe I mentioned earlier that I was working on-site for Customer A and at my own company’s office for Customer B. Well, in theory, I’m now assigned to Customer A full time.

However, Customer B still needs some of my time. That project took longer than expected, and we’re still doing testing. As the only software engineer on the project, they need my support. So in addition to working a full week at Customer A’s site, I’m trying to come in to our office for a few hours a week to support the work on Customer B’s stuff. I put in two and a half hours total over Tuesday and Wednesday morning. As I had things to do that evening, I didn’t put in a full eight hours at Customer A’s site those days. So today was the day to make up the difference.

As a reward to myself for working so hard this week, I decided to come directly over here to Equal Grounds again after work. I decided to give their black bean wrap a try for dinner. It’s actually pretty good. So here I sit, munching on a wrap and nachos and washing it all down with an iced tea. It’s practically a perfect evening, especially when you consider that an episode of Law & Order is on the television, which is about fifteen feet or so directly ahead of me. So while I’m doing my writing, I also get treated to a great show. Of course, I’ve already seen this episode, but there aren’t many I haven’t seen already. I used to be a Law & Order fanatic.

Oh, back on the work topic (sort of), let me just say that I’m amazed by the incredible number of good looking guys that work for Customer A. Of course, most of them also seem to be incredibly young. I’m beginning to wonder if they hire 85% or better of their employees directly out of RIT. And actually, I know that at least two of the guys working on my team are co-ops from there. It’s just crazy.

Not that I’d chase any of them. That would be a nightmare waiting to happen. Besides, I’ve decided I’d rather be the one being chased. 😉

A classic case of blaming the customer

I think I have tried getting my eyeglasses through a chain store for the last time. This is the second time when such a store has proved disappointing. The first time was ten years ago, when I got my pair of glasses at Sears Optical, because that’s the store that my employer’s insurance could cover. I was deeply offended by the optometrist by that store, who recommended I consider purchasing tinted lenses for “cosmetic purposes” — that is, to hide the fact that I had a lazy eye from every one. I bought a pair of (untinted, mind you) glasses that day — something I would not have done had such an even happened after I developed a stronger sense of self — but swore I’d never go back there again. As a result, I ended up getting my next two pairs of glasses at a nice, individually owned optometrist’s office in Wellsboro, PA. It’s a shame their office is over three hours away, as I’d still be going there if it was more convenient.

However, when it came time to get new glasses this past fall, it was time to find a new optometrist. To make matters simple, I decided to give Pearl Vision a try. And unlike the jerk at Sears Optical, the optometrist was nice enough. Unfortunately, my experiences with my new glasses have led me to question their quality — and the quality of the work of Pearl’s opticians.

A few weeks ago, my right lens popped out at home on a Sunday night. I checked when Pearl opened the next morning, informed my supervisor I’d be late, and prepared to make a stop at the mall that morning. In the meantime, since I really needed my glasses, I managed to get the lens back in well enough to stay in place for the night. It was obvious to even my untrained eye that it was not properly seated, but it’d do in a temporary situation.

I was standing outside of Pearl vision the next morning when they opened. I walked in, handed them my glasses, explained what happened, and pointed out that while I had managed to get the lens in somewhat, it wasn’t seated properly. The woman at the counter took them and told me it would be a few minutes before their optician got in.

The optician came in, took about two minutes, and brought me my glasses. He told me that the screw was loose and he had tightened it. Apparently, that’s all he did, because I noticed later that afternoon that the lens was still not seated properly. Apparently, I have a better eye for these things than Pearl’s optician.

The next day, I was unsurprised when the lens popped out again. This time, because I was not in a position to take the glasses back to Pearl yet again, I purchased a jeweler’s screwdriver, attempted to reseat the lens yet again (and while it was still not perfect, it was a lot better). This time, I even managed to tighten the screw myself. (Of course, loosening it before trying to put the lens back in helped a lot, too.)

This morning, the lens popped out a third time. I wasn’t too upset about this. After all, I had reseated it myself and new it was still not a perfect job. This time, I was close to a Pearl Vision store (not the same one I purchased the glasses from or had the first repair job done, though), so I took them in. This time, I was smart enough to leave the lens completely out, forcing their optician to insert the lens herself.

What annoyed me, however, was when the optician brought my glasses back to me. She made the offhanded comment that I should really try to use two hands to take my glasses off (I normally do, but I might have only used one hand there at the office — hey, I had a lens in one hand!), as it would help keep that from happening again.

Now as a customer, let me explain why I find this comment so annoying. I’ve been wearing glasses since before I was ten years old. I’ve owned at least six different pairs, and I this is only the second pair of glasses I’ve owned that had a lens pop out. The other pair I had a problem with were from back when I was in elementary school (when I was really hard on glasses), and by the time the lens popped out, I’d been wearing them for over two years. This lens popped out before I had been wearing these glasses for four months. An examination of my eyeglasses history tells me that the way I take my glasses off shouldn’t matter to whether a lens pops out. And if it does matter with these particular glasses, it tells me that the quality of the glasses is lousy. Perhaps rather than blaming the customer, the optician should report the incident to Pearl corporate so they make sure the quality of their products and services improve. After all, I don’t think asking for glasses that aren’t prone to having the lens pop out is all that unreasonable. So if it happens again, I will seriously consider looking for a local optometrist and just get a pair of reliable glasses.

And do you know what really scares me about all this? If these glasses are so susceptible to how I take them off, how will they ever survive my two loving and rambuctious nephews when I next spend time with them?

Great game night

After a bit of deliberation and carrying on about how shy and nervous I usually am, I eventually convinced myself to go to COAP’s game night tonight. In retrospect, I’m glad I did. To be honest, I’m not sure when I’ve had that kind of fun.

I arrived at the coffee house a little before 6:30pm. As I was early, I decided to take the time to pull out the laptop an work on my writing. As I was finishing up the next chapter in A Journey to Queerdom, people started showing up. So I finished editing the pages locally, then turned off the computer, ordered another iced tea and went over to introduce myself.

By the end of the night, there were a total of six of us. Originally, four of us played Gloom, which is probably one of the most morbid games I’ve ever played. (Is it bad that I enjoyed it?) I almost won, but Woody cleared all the modifiers off one of my family members just before Paul killed off his last family member. As a result, Paul won the game.

The next game we played — involving all six of us this time — was Phase 10. Now I think I vaguely recall playing this game once before, but it was a few years ago. Fortunately, it was similar enough to other games that I caught on rather quickly. In fact, for the first few hands, I managed to take the lead. Eventually, that changed and I was probably close to being low man on the totem pole (kinky!) by the time I had to leave. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stick around and finish the game, as I have to go to work early tomorrow and I’m working a ten hour or better shift. In fact, I shouldn’t be taking the time to write this, but I figure I need the chance to wind down, anyway.

Overall, game night was a great experience. It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down with a group of guys (and the first time when I wasn’t the only gay guy in the bunch) and just hung out. It was nice to chat, joke around with one another, and just have a leisurely visit. In a lot of ways, it reminded me a lot of the nights my family will get together to play cards. I’m alread looking forward to the next game night at the end of this month.

Making the Maiden Voyage

As I type this up, I’m sitting at a small table in Equal Grounds. My chai smoothie is almost gone. I’ve completed installing the software I want for writing and web development, and I’m just enjoying the atmosphere.

I’m also looking at the battery life meter. Man it’s going down fast. I’ve only been here forty five minutes and I’m already down to 75% power. I may have to look for a table near an electrical outlet in the future.

Already, I’m finding the change of pace, being online and doing my stuff in public, a pleasant one. In many ways, it reminds me of the comfort I found when I first starting writing at a table in Friendly’s. Now if I can just make the kind of friendships I eventually formed with the waitresses at that restaurant.

Equal Grounds has a large LCD screen at the one end of this back room. Currently, it has the image of a fire (like in a fireplace) palying across it. It gives the place a very cozy feeling. I’m facing in that direction, so as I’m typing, I can look up for a moment or two and get lost in the dance of the flames on the screen. It’s rather mesmerizing.

I don’t think I’ll get any real writing done here tonight. My mind just isn’t right to do it. And besides, I have to go to work early tomorrow. So in another twenty minutes or so, I will likely need to call it a night. But at least I can now do this, and I’m looking forward to repeating the experience.

Of course, I think I’d also like to do it during the day when there’s slightly more light.

The power of memories

Earlier tonight (before it became tomorrow), I took the time to write about the weekend I decided to come out and the emotional crisis that led up to it. It surprised me how easily much of the emotion I felt that weekend came back to me. In some ways, writing about it meant reliving it, and it was a strange experience.

Of course, this time around, the feelings weren’t nearly as strong. Instead, they were more a ghost of events and feelings long gone. Back then, I was afraid that all of the feelings were going to consume and destroy me. Tonight, the worst they will do is chase a smile from my face until I get some much needed sleep.

And in some way, I find the return of these emotions comforting. Not because I have any desire to return to the constant torment I felt back then, but because it means that I’m still connected to that person I was. I can still identify so completely with my past that I can draw on it for strength, insight, an even wisdom without becoming lost in it or controlled by it. And that is a wonderful feeling.

I’m beginning to realize that this writing project is meant to serve a dual purpose. So far, I’ve been focused on how it might help others who are going through many of the same things — or even just similar things — that I did. But now I also see that it’s also a chance for me to again connect to my past, understand how it led me to the presence, and discover just how I’ve grown from it all. And perhaps that’s something I need right now, too.

Finding a new book

While surfing the web tonight, I came across a book I’d never heard of before. The title is From Boys to Men: Gay Men Write About Growing Up. I find myself wondering how closely any of the stories contained in the book resemble the experiences I’m working on writing about. One of the reason I started writing about my own sexual self-discovery is because I feel like the topic is not well covered. So it would be interested to see if this book is a sign that there’s more out there than I realize. It would be a pleasant discovery if that is the case.

I’ve added the book to my wish list. I’d buy it outright, but I think I spent enough money today. I got a laptop in the price range I expected. But by the time I added all of the extras I decided to get with it (including a new wireless router for the house), the bill was a bit…shocking.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.