Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Writing

I feel many things, but exhausted isn’t one of them.

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I mentioned in my last post that my friend, Belinda, read Journey for the first time today. What I forgot to mention was the interesting question she asked me. After reading the page called “An Emotionally Immature Adult,” she turned to me and asked if I felt exhausted whenever I finished writing part of my story. She explained that she thinks she would be, given how intensely personal and moving it is.

To be honest, I feel many things when I write down the various parts of my story. I have to admit that after writing many sections (including the one she finished before asking that question), I often feel quite vulnerable and nervous. I feel like I’m ready for a break and need to do something else. But as of yet, I have yet to feel exhausted. If anything, I usually have quite the opposite reaction. I feel energized, and while I want to get away from the writing and give my heart and mind time to recover from the process, I definitely want to do something.

In many ways, being able to write my story has helped me to find another level of release. As I right each part, I know that I’ve put it “out there,” and am no longer carrying it around inside. And while it’s frightening because there are certain aspects of my life that I’m not sure how everyone will respond to, it also comes with a sense of freedom. No matter what happens, no matter how anyone chooses to react, what’s done is done. I’ve allowed my heart and my mind to speak their peace. And that’s far from exhausting. It’s actually rather rejuvenating.

Daily Life, Friends, Going Out, Health, Personal Development, Writing

Fantastic Day

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Today was a great day. I managed to get out of the house around quarter of noon and headed up to the POC to hang out with Belinda during the healing clinic. Nobody showed up today, so we just ended up sitting around and talking. I took my laptop so that Belinda could read the local copy of Journey. She absolutely loved it, though she was frustrated that I hadn’t written more. She got to the last page in the series and just sat there going, “That’s it?” She also found a couple of typos I made, which I fixed and just uploaded.

When we finally decided to leave the POC, we decided to go to a late lunch at Red Lobster. She had the Shrimp Linguini Alfredo. Not being a seafood fan (but I love the garlic biscuits they serve at Red Lobster), I decided to go with the Cajun Chicken Linguini Alfredo. We both loved our meals, and there were a lot of cute waiters to check out. (We each commented on which ones we liked.)

After lunch, I brought my leftovers back to the house, then decided to go someplace for a walk. I was only a little after five and the day was absolutely beautiful. I decided to drive over to Shoen Place and park so that I could walk the trail along the canal. It was the first time I’ve walked the trail, and it was absolutely gorgeous. It’s surprising how peaceful the area can be. You don’t realize it driving along Route 96 in the same area.

After my walk, I ran to Target. I decided that with the weather warming up, I needed some more polo shirts. I only have three, and I can’t wear tee shirts on the customer site like I do at my own office. While I was there, I also picked up a new belt. I’ve either lost weight or it’s shifted, because my old belt wasn’t doing a good job at holding up my pants anymore.

I also decided to get another package of underwear, as I’m running out of those, too. I had trouble picking out a package. I usually prefer to get a package that just has black and grey underwear in it, but all the packages today had other colors. I finally decided on the package that also had a blue pair and a red pair. I have to admit that I picked that package because something about the idea of wearing red undies amused me.

Overall, it was a pleasant and beautiful day. I’m thinking about topping it off with a movie this evening.

Arts and Entertainment, Books, Movies

Thoughts on Eragon

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I just got done watching Eragon on DVD. Overall, it was an excellent movie with a pretty good, if predictable plot. The development of that plot and the characters themselves were pretty good for the 100 minutes or so that everyone had to work with.

I should admit right up front that a few of the issues I had with this movie are the result of a misconception I had going into it. When I saw previews for this movie, I heard the word “dragonrider” and immediately thought of Anne McCaffrey and her series of books about Pern and its dragonriders. Because of this, I noticed some glaring discrepancies, that made me wonder how closely the movie followed the books. However, a bit more research on my part revealed that this movie was not based upon McCaffrey’s works, but on the first book in Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Trilogy. Apparently, Paolini’s writing was heavily influenced by Ms. McCaffrey’s books. However, this certainly explains some of the discrepancies, such as the fact that the dragons in Paolini’s world actually choose their riders before they hatch. (Come to think of it, that’s a nice touch.)

I think that my favorite part of the movie was the oft repeated phrase, “one part brave, three parts fool.” It seems to sum up the nature of many heroes, both in this story and in general. I also like the addition of the fact that Brom (played by the venerable Jeremy Irons, no less) reveals that his quest for vengeance results in the death of the last dragon, save for the evil Galbatorix’s own dragon.

The one part I will note as being underdeveloped was the part of the other boy (his name escaped my notice) whose father turned out to be a dragonrider who joined forces with Galbatorix. They ntroduced this information and the boy’s desire to follow a better path than his father did rather late in the plot. As such, it seemed underdeveloped to the point of being extraneous.

One thing I particularly liked, however, was the fact that they didn’t play heavily on the romantic aspects of the movie. Certainly, they hinted at some underlying romantic tensions between Eragon and Arya, especially at the end. However, most Hollywood movies would have brought that far more to the forefront, even turning it into a major plot element. Those in charge of this movie made a different choice, and I think it was to the benefit of the movie’s overall integrity.

On a loose tangent, when looking for Anne McCaffrey’s website to link to it, I discovered that she actually has posted guidelines for fan fiction and fan art based on her works. I find it a rather interesting approach to the topic, and I wonder if many other authors have done similar things. Of course, I also wonder if the fan fiction authors and fan art creators actually bother following them. But it’s nice to see an author trying to find a peaceful compromise with those who would emulate her.

Introspection

Rainy days are nice

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Despite being wet, today is a gorgeous day. The temperature is not only above freezing, but just warm enough to make wearing a light jacket comfortable. This is a good thing, as the steady rain calls for a vinyl jacket to keep myself dry. But the air is comfortable, just cool enough to remain invigorating.

The rain is a bit disappointing, however, as it interferes with my thoughts of going to one of the parks and walking around. I grimace at the thought of missing out on some much needed exercise. Checking the weather report, I take some comfort in the knowledge that tomorrow is supposed to be rain-free, if a little cloudy. Happily, the forecast is calling for even warmer temperatures tomorrow. So I set my plans for physical activity aside for the day and consider alternatives more fitting to the current conditions.

It’s the kind of day that makes me long for my parents’ home. It’s the kind of day where we might gather around the dining room table, talking or playing a game. It’s a peaceful scene, full of pleasant conversation and companionship. We might occasionally take a glance out the big picture window, watching the raindrops beat the ground. Despite the weather, I can imagine a squirrel or bird running about in the yard, looking for food. Whoever spots the soaked creature would likely point it out to the others, and we’d all share a moment of watching its antics before turning our attention back to our own activities in our dry haven.

The image in my mind shifts, and I see myself someplace with a fireplace. I sit in a chair next to it, either reading or working on my writing. The crackle of the fire offers background noise that is comforting and reassuring, as does the percussion of raindrops against a nearby window. Every few moments, I allow my thoughts to surface from the book or journal in front of me, listening to these sounds as my thoughts again settle and reorganize themselves. I might gaze into the fire as well, allowing the leaping flames to dance in my vision, suggesting images or patterns of thought. After a few moments of such reflection, I return to the pages before me, either to read what is written there or to fill them up with my own thoughts. And again, the day and my surroundings become the backdrop to the creative processes within.

As I said, even a rainy day can have its beauty. You just need to look at it in the right way.

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality

I need to do that more often

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Last night, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I wrote an erotic story. I think the last time I did that was back in 2005, maybe even 2004. I forgot just how much I enjoyed it. It’s a way to really express myself. And since it’s about the only sexual outlet I have right now (well, other than the obvious one), I think I’ll be making use of it more often.

As a result, I found myself in a rather mellow mood. I came home practically floating. And that’s even after writing another rather personal part of Journey!

The singleness thing is starting to get to me again, though. The problem is, it’s difficult to go through all of this intense self-exploration and revealing such intimate parts of myself, only to know that I don’t have someone to share them with in that special way. I’ll manage, though. After all, I really do want someone special, and not just someone I can make use of. That’s not my style, and I’ve felt guilty the few times I even came close to doing any such thing.

I’m also feeling pretty vulnerable right now, which is both good and bad. It’s good, because I like that my feelings aren’t locked away, wishing desperately to get out. But at the same time, it also means I’m vulnerable. And that’s scary.

Daily Life, Randomness, Work

A sure sign I’ve grown old.

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I’m sure I commented earlier on the youth of some of the people working for my current customer. I think I’ve even mentioned that I think they have a lot of co-ops from RIT working for them. Well, today, I think I met the youngest one of them all. Well, it’d be more accurate to say I saw him, as he was sitting in a meeting and I was passing by the conference room. I’m pretty sure he’s a co-op. But now, I find myself wondering if they take co-ops that are still in high school. He looked that young.

He had to be a college kid, and at least a junior at that. But man, he didn’t look it. That or everyone’s starting to look that young to me because I’m getting so old. I really may need that cane after all.

Memories, Politics

Remembering my own “letter writing” days

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In my previous post, I encouraged people who supported the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act to contact their Congressmen directly. That got me to thinking about my own experiences of contacting my Congressman. To be honest, I can’t say as I blame people who choose not to do that, given my experiences.

Back in 2001, I subscribed to the ACLU’s political action mailing list. Every so often (not quite once a week), I’d receive a note from them talking about some legislation that had come up and encouraged me to contact my representatives to voice my opinion. They even offered a service on their website where I could put in where I lived, and they would prepare a boilerplate message that I could edit (I usually didn’t) and then submit to them. Their site would then email or fax it to the appropriate representatives based on my home address. It was all quite handy, and allowed me to do something without putting a lot of effort into it. (What can I say? I’m lazy.)

For the most part, I’d never hear another thing about it. Well, at least that was the case with my one Senator and the House member that represented my district. However, my other senator (or more likely, someone in his office) always made a point of sending me back a reply letter. That particular senator was none other than the recently ousted Rick Santorum.

Anyone who knows anything about Rick Santorum (and if you don’t know anything about him, you must live even further under the rock than I do) shouldn’t be surprised that the letter was invariably a nicely phrased missive to say, “Thanks for writing, but I’m going to do the exact opposite of what you want.” This isn’t entirely surprising, as it’s a hazard of being a liberally minded individual who has the misfortune of being “represented” by a conservative — and insane, as more recent events have shown — senator. However, the experience was rather demoralizing for me. After receiving the third or fourth such letter, I began to wonder why I bothered even writing my senator. After all, it was clear that my little letters weren’t going to change his mind. So I eventually gave up. And I haven’t written a letter to any representative since.

Today, I sit here thinking about that. I find myself wondering if it’s time to give it another try. After all, I’m now in a different state, and I could stand to get a little more involved in such things. Though if I do decide to do it again, I think I may actually try writing my letters for myself. One of the things I struggled with over my experiences with Senator Santorum was that I didn’t feel I could complain too much about his obvious boilerplate response that practically ignored my concerns when I didn’t even take the time to express those concerns in my own word. So that’s something I feel I must address if I ever give the letter-writing process another try.

Politics

Great intentions that deserve a better implementation

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Checking my email today, I ran across the following forward that a friend sent me:

Please take a minute and sign petition and pass on.

It could make such a difference to so many women.

A mastectomy is when a woman’s breast is removed in order to remove cancerous breast cells/tissue. If you know anyone who has had a mastectomy, you may know that there is a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards.

Insurance companies are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure.

Let’s give women the chance to recover properly in the hospital for 2 days after surgery.

Mastectomy Bill in Congress

It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very important… please take the time and do it really quick!

Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill – Important legislation for all women

Please send this to everyone in your address book. If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is one of those times. If you’re receiving this, it’s because I think you will take the 30 seconds to go to vote on this issue and send it on to others you know who will do the same.

There’s a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It’s about eliminating the “drive-through mastectomy” where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on. PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

http://www.lifetime tv.com/breastcan cer/petition/ signpetition. php

This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS.

Now, being the skeptical person that I am, the first I did was check it out over at Snopes. As it turns out, this is one of those cases where the forward is not only valid, but is not out of date. Apparently, this piece of legislation has been popping up every couple years, only to die in some subcommittee. And it’s shown up in the current session of Congress, this time in the form of H.R. 119. For those who are interested, I would encourage you to check it out.

However, like the folks over at Snopes, I would encourage you to take a different route than signing an online petition. If you’d like to see this legislation pass, write your representatives in Congress directly and tell them so. Tell them that you are aware of H.R. 119 and that as your representative, you’d like them to give it their full support. After all, sending a personal missive to the folks you voted for is far more direct than being just another name on a petition.

Of course, before doing so, I’d also encourage you to research the whole topic quite closely. It seems that at least one organization that fights for adavancements in breast cancer research and treatment is not a fan. You might want to consider their arguments even if you end up disagreeing with them and supporting the bill anyway.

Gender and Sexuality, Movies, Sexuality

A Great Movie and Gay Stereotypes

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Today, while recuperating from whatever illness beset me late yesterday afternoon, I decided to watch But I’m a Cheerleader, which is possibly one of the cheesiest movies I have ever seen. This is a movie that tries to play off of every stereotype of gay men and lesbians they can think of. And amazingly, it works in this instance.

I think the reason it works for this movie is because it’s a movie about a group of young people who have been shipped off to some insane camp to turn them all straight. The camp attempts to do this by teaching each teen to break away from the queer stereotypes and try to act more like tha “proper” boy or girl, based on gender stereotypes we’ve all heard.

I think part of what makes the whole thing funny, if a little scary, is that based on some of my own investigations of groups that try to turn gay people straight — including one book I read while back in college, such programs really do put a significant amount of stock in such stereotypes. Suddenly, being a straight guy is as much about being able to talk cars and sports as it is about who you want to cuddle with. (And we won’t even mention all the other things we want to do together!)

I think I find this mentality particularly strange because there are certain stereotypes I fit that have nothing to do with the fact that I’m gay. For example, I absolutely stink at sports. Whether it’s volleyball, baseball, soccer, football, or any other sport you can name, I’m lousy at it. However, that’s because of how my brain chose to adapt to the fact that I lived the first twenty eight or so years of my life with a lazy eye. Having your entire perception of the world shift to the left or right by a couple inches at a critical moment tends to make catching, hitting, or kicking a quickly moving object quite the challenge. Being gay has nothing to do with it. It’s just one of those odd coincidences.

And that’s the problem with such stereotypes around gender and sexuality. They completely miss the bigger picture.

Gender and Sexuality, Writing

Facing the Plunge

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Tonight, I wrote the next chapter in Journey, the one that talks about my first attempt at love, or something that I thought resembled love at the time. Surprisingly, it was a pretty easy piece to write. Of course, it helps that I’ve written about that relationship elsewhere before. (In fact, I may dig up those old diary entries and look into supplementing what I wrote tonigh with some of their content.)

Of course, this marks a point in my story that has me somewhat afraid. This is the point where I start talking about my experiences prior to 1996. It’s time to delve back into some of those emotionally trying times, and the things my psyche did to survive my youth. And it’s appropriate that I start writing about these things at this juncture. After all, it was towards the end of my relationship with “Chris” that some of those things started coming back to my conscious attention. Indeed, they contributed to the rapid decline of our relationship, as I was forced to deal with emotional wounds I had hidden for years.

I find myself in an interesting position. I want to go there, yet part of me dreads it. I’m not entirely sure why. I suppose it’s in part because I’m afraid of what pain I might still find there. Will I be fortunate and only find the kind of “ghost emotions” I experienced when I wrote about the weekend I came out? Or will I find something more difficult to deal with?

Of course, there’s also the fact that I’ll be sharing some deeply personal things. And a much as I feel I need and want to do so, I have to admit the idea still scares me in some way. I won’t let that stop me, as I feel it’s right to press on. But perhaps a bit of tenderness towards myself as I work through this part of the story is in store, all the same.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.