His Initiative = Happy Jarred

I got a pleasant surprise from Mike. First of all, I got a text message from him. Not that this is a surprise, mind you. He sends me a text message at least two times a week, any more. He finds it more convenient than email. I can’t imagine how, though. It takes way too much work to enter in any message of any length. But he manages to do it somehow. But like I said, that’s not the surprising part of the email. The surprising part was part of the content.

He asked me what I was doing 2 October. He suggested that it would be a good day to get together if I was available. The only thing I was worried about is that my sister is planning a small birthday party for her oldest child and our father that weekend. So naturally, I had to make a frantic call home to find out when the party was. My luck turned out good, because she’s planning the party for Friday night. So I’m free on Saturday. I was glad to hear this, because if she planned the party on Saturday. I was going to have a quandary. Gosh darn it, it’s not every day that Mike messages me out of the blue and asks if I can get together with him on a certain day. And saying no on one of the few occasions he did would’ve just about killed me.

That’s what really surprised me. It’s been almost a month since I’ve asked him when we’re going to be able to get together. Usually, I feel like I have to hound him and pester him to get an answer. And naturally, that leaves me feeling upset. After all, it’s disheartening to feel like you have to pester your own boyfriend just to get time with him. So when he pretty much found a date and brought it up pretty much “out of the blue,” it really lifted my spirits. It was good to get the feeling like he was putting in the effort to find some “us time.”

Of course, in fairness, he probably puts in that effort a lot of times. Just I’m usually such a go-getter that I tend to start asking about it quite quickly. So most of it is probably just perceptual on my part. But it’s nice to have this one instance. It really helps me to relax and soothe the insecurities.

Defining Wicca for my diary

I will occasionally use the word “Wicca” in my diary. Due to the state of affairs in the world, I figured I should probably make it clear what I mean when I say this word. You see, I don’t use the word as it’s generally used in the general Pagan community. In fact, if you hear my say “Wicca” and you immediately start thinking about anything that’s been written in a book published by Llewellyn or a similar author, you’re on the wrong page. For that reason, I would like to give my explanation of what I mean when I say “Wicca” so we all stay on the same page when reading my diary.

I believe that Wicca is an Oathbound (that means it involves solemn vows which include vows to keep certain secrets), initiatory (“only a Witch can make a Witch”), mystery (the core of the religion must be experienced through ecstatic revelation rather than academically believed) religion that originated in the New Forest region of England. The Wicca (which is the collective term used to refer to all initiates of this religion) are those people who can trace their initiatory lineage back to that region (usually through Sybil Leek or Gerald Gardner).

Anything else may be a form of witchcraft (after all, there are other forms of witchcraft than Wicca). It certainly might be Paganism. But it is not Wicca. Silver Ravenwolf is not Wicca. Scott Cunningham was a Wiccan initiate, but his books are not about Wicca. They are about Paganism and witchcraft. And they have some great gems of insight in them. His “Guide for the Solitary Practitioner” was the first Pagan book I ever read and I still cherish where it brought me. But what it described has some remarkable difference from the Wicca I’m coming to discover and love.

I think it would also be good to point out that by my own definition, I’m not one of the Wicca. It’s my goal to eventually develop the necessary bonds with a coven and become an initiate, and I believe it will happen in the gods’ good time. But for now, I’m content to be a generic, non-Wiccan witch. (I bring this up just to hopefully mitigate the accusations of “elitist bastard” that will be coming my way.) Because of this, I try to be very careful when I talk about Wicca. Because I am speaking as an outsider. An outsider that’s trying to get on the inside, but an outsider nonetheless. As such, my statements about Wicca — while as accurate as I can make them in my careful research — should not be considered entirely authoritative. (They will also be apt to change as I get my butt kicked by the gods and/or those who are initiates and I learn my errors. Ah the joy of learning a path!)

For those who wish to know what Wicca is — and to get a close idea of how it differs from the Neo-Wicca that many authors write about these days — I would encourage you to pick up a copy of Gerald Gardner’s two books. They are “Witchcraft Today” and “The Meaning of Witchcraft.” These two books tell a lot about the Craft of the New Forest region than most other books combined. (I particularly encourage people to note Gardner’s descriptions and discussions of the God of Wicca and compare it to what most modern authors have to say. I sincerely believe that a careful reading of this will demonstrate one of the largest differences between Wicca and Neo-Wicca.) Another book I’d recommend is Vivianne Crowley’s “Wicca: The Old Religion in the New Millennium.” She’s written a delightful book on Wiccan ritual. In her writings, her education in psychology really shines through.

Now, I’m not going to argue with people who call themselves Wicca despite not meeting my definition. My intent is not to invalidate anyone’s beliefs (though I find myself wondering how calling one’s beliefs by a name that doesn’t fit in my opinion serves to “validate” those beliefs” anyway.) And I’m not here to start playing the “definition police.” However, this is my diary, and as such, I intend to use words as I understand them. And as such, I felt it important to make it clear what I mean when I talk about Wicca.

Silence and Reading

It’s a bit crazy here tonight. The kids are really carrying on. Their mother is currently working on rounding them up and sending them to bed. As I sit here listening to their insanity, I find myself wondering how long it’s going to take them to calm down and actually fall asleep. I half suspect that we’re going to end up wishing that we had some tranquilizers or something. Ah well, hopefully I’ll get a few quiet hours before I head for bed. Besides, I got plenty of quiet time earlier today. So I can’t complain.

When my sister was getting ready to go to her in-laws, I decided to take a quick nap. I figured that I needed it after staying up until after 1am. I was planning a nice short nap, but I ended up dozing for a full two hours. Oops! But I think I needed it, so it was all good.

Once I got done napping, I decided to read Witchcraft Today. I had three chapters left to read and I decided to finish it tonight. That way, it’s all fresh for the book discussion. I do need to reread chapter two though. I plan on rereading each chapter as we start to discuss it, and Brian just called for the start of the chapter two discussion.

I’ve enjoyed reading the book this time around. Last time I read it (I think that was back in this past winter), I didn’t get as much out of it. I guess I’m just in a better mental space to be able to appreciate what I’m reading this time. (I remember reading many of the quotes from the “What Gardner Said” site I love and being surprised at what I didn’t remember, so I was glad to reread it anyway.) One of the things that I’m really noticing this time around is the number of times he repeats certain things. He tells about certain beliefs or about certain practices multiple times. In fact, there were a few times that I had to make sure I didn’t accidentally “jump back” in the book because it sounded so familiar. Though each time he repeated something, I usually noticed he phrased it a bit differently or seemed to almost look at “another angle.” (Not exactly, but I don’t know how to express it better.) I’m thinking that these repetitions and the subtle differences in the presentation might be good to look into. I’m thinking at some point, I might reread with an eye to writing down the repeated material, copying what is said each time to look at it all side by side at some point. I’m not sure if it’ll prove worthwhile, but I think there’s only one way to find out.

Witchcraft, Blacksmithing, and “Flashiness.”

One of the Wicca I know has studied the historical practices of various crafts. Most notably, he’s studied the craft of blacksmithing, and under the right circumstances, he can talk about the practice at some length.

Most interesting about his knowledge of and love for the smith’s art, however, is a particular pet peev he’s expressed a few times. And that’s his pet peev about how some perceive the blacksmith’s trade. You see, most people (myself included, I’m afraid) who start thinking about the art of ironwork immediately think of images of swords burning in teh furnace and being pounded out to strong, cutting blades between the anvil and hammer. Or they see the creation of shields, armor, or other instruments of war. However, after listening to talk of such image, B always manages to remind us to keep perspective. As he rightfully points at, the craft of armor and weapons has historically been a tiny part of the smith’s trade. Much more of his time was spent forging daily items that one would need for their lives. The smith would build far more iron cooking utensils, nails, and other such daily necessities in a month than the number of swords and breastplates he’d pound out in years. Isn’t it funny how we tend to forget things like that? We focus on the weapons and armor because we find the “flashy” or “fantastic,” while forgetting the real work — the work that most likely kept him fed on a regular basis — of the blacksmith.

As I thought about this memory today at lunch, it occurred to me that Pagans on the whole (and here I go stereotyping again) tend to do this with more than the blacksmith’s craft. We spend a lot of time looking at the “goodies” of our religion while ignoring the “daily necessities.” How often do we talk about the spells we do or know, yet don’t talk about the daily devotion or self-discipline that we place upon ourselves? How often do we speak of our Sabbats, and yet never discuss the careful planning, preparation, and other work that we endure before and after that make them so great? How often do we focus on the fantastic — such as the experience we had when we came into contact with a spirit that one day — while completely ignoring the changes in diet, exercise, and our general lifestyles that we need to make to better prepare our bodies for such experiences?

I’m as guilty as anyone. I’m doing my best when I have those “flash in the pan” kinds of experiences. I get on a spiritual high and I can do all kinds of things. And yet, I have yet to manage to get my meditation schedule to be as regular as I feel it should be. And my daily religious devotion needs a lot of work, there’s no denying it.

I think that’s what I like about the Wicca I know. They’re so down to earth. I have sat in some of their homes and had incredibly ordinary discussions. Oh sure, we have our discussions that involve “witch stuff.” But it’s interspersed with discussions about pets, work, politics, and the fact that they need to clean and winterize the pool out back. And none of these discussion topics are treated as particularly more “special” than the others. It’s a completely different attitude that I don’t always see elsewhere, even in my own life.

A blast from the past

Tonight, I was snooping through my old files that I pulled off my old computer just before I gave it away. And I found something that I had written quite a few years ago. I’m not sure whether I originally wrote it in 1997 or 1998. I figured I’d post it here for old times sake. Perhaps another time, I’ll look through it and see how much my attituded have changed since writing this.

Greetings. As I write this, April Fool’s Day is coming up quickly. This is a day where many people enjoy themselves and have a great time. However, this is a day that will always be extraordinarily special in my life. I’d like to take a few minutes and share that with you.

Traditionally, April Fools Day is a day to celebrate the comical figure “The Fool” and all of the foolishness that he represents. This celebration usually involves people playing practical jokes of some sort on each other, as this is probably The Fool’s greatest form of comedy. However, as of April Fool’s Day 1996, the day has become a day for me to reject destructive foolishness. You see, that particular April Fool’s Day was the day that I came to accept the fact that I’m gay.

Let me tell you a bit about my own experience. I was raised American Baptist and had always been taught that same-sex relationships were wrong. Therefore, when nearly all sexual dreams I had as a teen involved only men, I tried to convince myself that it was “just a phase”. During my sophomore and junior years in college, I came to realize that it was more to it than that; I realized that I was indeed exclusively homosexual. During those two years, however, I was determined to change that fact. I spent much aggravating months trying to suppress the feelings and desires that I had towards various men — including my roommate. This unsuccessful struggle continued through most of my senior year. I became increasingly frustrated until it came to a head on Saturday, March 30. That night, I had become so frustrated and tired of trying to change that I lay in my bed for thirty minutes considering slitting my wrists. Let me tell you, the statistics about gay people killing themselves because they can’t deal with their sexuality means a whole lot more to you when you almost become a part of those statistics.

Well, when I realized that night what I was considering, it terrified me. The rest of that night and Sunday are a lost memory to me. The next thing that I remember happened that Monday. I went to my friend, Merion, and asked if she could talk to me sometime. She and I agreed to meet in one of the dorms at about 8:30pm. When we got there, we found a private corner to talk where no one was likely to wander by. I then took a deep breath and told her. It wasn’t until I told her that I actually accepted it for myself. We talked for a while that night, and she reassured me the entire time. We have since become extremely close friends.

My life was quite chaotic after that point. Since most of my friends were conservative Christians, I found myself drifting away from them. At the same time, I began making other friends which would be more supportive in my upcoming hardships. I had to undo a lot of negative feelings concerning my sexual orientation. It was difficult work, but I found it worth it. It gave me a new sense of freedom that I had never experienced before. This sense of freedom has grown incredibly during the last two years, and is continuing to do so.

The reason I told you all of this is to give a framework for the challenge I wish to give each of you: Help put an end to the foolishness. You see, I spent years trying to deny my feelings for men. I then spent months trying to change those feelings. I did all of this because of the foolishness that this society teaches about non-straight sexual orientations. My acceptance of this foolishness almost cost me my life. I write this today in the hopes that it will help someone else put an end to the foolishness in their own life, possibly someone who may be — like I was — about to lose their life for that foolishness.

If you think you may be gay or bisexual, but have been afraid or unwilling to accept that fact, then I encourage you to stop the foolishness in your own life. You are a wonderful person and there is nothing wrong with you. There are others out there who have been there, and we want you to know that you’re not alone. Don’t let your self-hatred or other’s hatred of what you are destroy you. You deserve better than that.

If you have already accepted the fact that you’re bi or gay, then I’d encourage you to take another look at your life this week. Is there any internalized homophobia still lingering in your life? Are you still in the closet with anyone? If you are comfortable enough with your own sexuality and can do so safely, I encourage you to overcome these forms of foolishness as well. Don’t settle for partial freedom, my friend. There is much more out there to claim for yourself. Every day, I try to reach for that increased freedom a bit more.

Finally, I have a challenge for those who are in a position to do so: Help others stop the madness in their own lives. Make yourself available to talk with those who are still struggling with their own sexuality. Offer to share your own experiences and feelings with those who may approach you. It’ll help them out a great deal. I can’t stress how important this is. About sixmonths ago, I told Merion that I had been considering committing suicide two nights before we talked. She sat there in complete shock. Her only response was to wonder aloud what might have happened had she not been visitting campus that week. Neither of us are sure what would have happened, but I’m certainly glad that I never found out. But it serves to remind me that I don’t want to find out who I could have helped after it’s too late to do so. I urge each of you to keep that from being something you experience, too.

I hope that you will join me in my compaign to end the destructive foolishness of homophobia this April Fool’s Day. It is the best thing I can think of to do to celebrate my own coming out anniversary. The best thing that could happen to me next Wednesday is if at least one person decides to confide in me that they are gay or bisexual and seek my reassurance.

And do me a favor. If you see The Fool, give him a message for me. Tell him that my life continues to improve without him.

— Jarred Harris, aka Lorkon.
lorkon@ptd.net

Ritual Nudity in Wicca

This entry may become a bit controversial, but it’s something that’s been on my mind for awhile. I was hoping to make it coherent, but I’m not sure it will be. Because things don’t want to seem to fall into any “perfect order” in my mind, I decided to just dump out the stream of my thoughts without any particular order. So if you’ve read me in the past and find that this doesn’t have my usual well-structured eloquence, please forgive me. But hopefully, it’ll still have some valuable reflections in it somewhere.

Traditionally, the rites of Wicca have required ritual nudity. And I think that this is a good thing. In fact, I think that these rites should involve ritual nudity. It seems to me that it’s a central component to the practice of this particular form of witchcraft. In fact, I often find it odd that (Neo-)Wiccans often will dogmatically cling to the words “harm none” in the Wiccan Rede (something which by its very name suggest it’s merely advice) and yet completely ignore or discount the phrase “ye shall be naked in your rites” which occurs in the Charge of the Goddess (which by its very names suggests that it’s a direct command). It’s one of those strange oddities in Neo-Wicca that convinces me that it (1) has completely divorced itself from the true Wicca it tries to masquerade itself as and (2) has become an “anything goes religion.”

Of course, ritual nudity in Neo-Wicca doesn’t really make sense, I suppose. After all, Neo-Wicca is too “open.” It wants to have public rites. It wants to be able to invite practically any random person into its celebrations. Because of this, the level of trust and intimacy that is required to make mandatory ritual nudity safe is simply not present. One cannot foster the safety that such vulnerability requires. As such, it’s understandable why Neo-Wicca wishes to distance itself from ritual nudity.

However, in Wicca, ritual nudity still makes sense. After all, in Wicca, the rites are not open. Random strangers cannot be invited to the celebrations. Heck, not even friends of those participants in the rites are welcome. But because Wicca is an oathbound, initiatory (and initiates-only) religion, it fosters an atmosphere that makes ritual nudity both possible and wholly appropriate.

If you stop and think about it, it makes perfect sense. In Wicca, one joins an established coven. Membership is not guaranteed, and the seeker must approach the leader and members of the coven to seek initiation. Initiation is not an immediate process, and the seeker spends time with the leaders and members of said coven. There is a (usually extensive) period of relationship-building that takes place prior to any group magical work. It is during this time that both the seeker and the current members of the coven get to know one another and decide if there’s a “good fit” here. It is only once it is determined that the “good fit” exists — which includes the simple questions of whether everyone can trust each other and feel comfortable working with each other — that the person is initiated into the coven and participates in the rites. (I’m ignoring the practice of filtering seekers through an “Outer Court” for the time being for simplicity, but the idea still applies to this as well.)

Because of the lengthy time between seeker introduction and ritual participation, there is plenty of time for trust to be built up to the point that everyone can become comfortable with being naked around each other during the rites. Certainly, there may still be some discomfort with the actual nudity at first, but there’s a level of trust there that enables those all involved to work past those fears and step out into the realm of vulnerability. As time goes by, the closed nature of the group and the level of closeness and trust that’s built up allows for the kind of safety that is required for proper and effective ritual nudity.

Gardner describes this in one of his books — “The Meaning of Witchcraft,” I believe — indirectly. At one point, he is discussing ritual nudity and mentions an amusing conversation he had with a Witch in his coven. He mentioned his own membership in a nudist club, when a witch commented that she could never get naked in front of other people. When Gardner pointed out that she did exactly that at every ritual they held, she simply explained, “That’s different. That’s family!” This underscores the very nature of the relationship-building process that I’m talking about. Indeed, I’d propose that another question for determining “good fit” between a seeker and coven is the simple question of “Are we all comfortable enough with each other to be naked?” And to be honest, from what I’m coming to realize about Wiccan magic, I’m not sure I’d want to work magic with a group of people who couldn’t answer that question yes, anyway.

Of course, a lot of people are probably screaming that it doesn’t make any difference whether your naked or clothed during ritual. I actually disagree with them, and I will give my personal best argument for that shortly. But first, I need to put my answer into context. I do not currently practice Wicca. I am not an initiate. However, I am currently seeking a coven and hope to become an initiate in the future. As such, I have given a lot of thought to this very issue in my own life. I have often thought about the fact that if I am to respond to what I believe is the call of my heart, I will have to participate in a coven that performs their rites nude. And I’ll be honest, the idea scares the crap out of me. I’m very self-conscious about my naked body. I have a hard time with the idea of letting my lover see me naked. So the idea of joining a small group of people and letting all of them see me naked scares the living crap out of me.

Surprisingly, that’s the exact reason I think ritual nudity does make a difference. The fact that the whole idea scares me and some part of me wants to resist the idea tells me its significance. If nothing else, there are psychological implications to consider when it comes to ritual nudity.

I think too often, we tend to forget about how our state of mind and psychological makeup takes a part in ritual and magic. How our minds work and how they react to situations has a deep effect on the effectiveness and “flavor” of our magic and the results of our ritual. Overcoming my fear, giving into (earned) trust, and disrobing in front of others to work magic with them has a definite psychological effect on my mind, and it seems quite obvious that such an effect on my state of mind during ritual will have an effect on the ritual and the resulting magic. Indeed, it’s people’s reactions (usually negative) to the suggestion of ritual nudity that belies their own claims that “it doesn’t matter.”

I have tested this in my own personal practice. I have done meditations, performed rituals, and practiced magic both clothed and naked. And I can say for certain that there is a marked difference in one’s state of mind at the time as well as the “feel” of the work at hand. And I would encourage anyone to experiment to this in their private work to see for themselves.

Pagan Questions

These are some old questions from the Witches’ Weekly project. They’re still floating around the Internet, so I thought I’d answer them even though they’re “out of date.” Besides, a good friend asked me to.

What do you find most annoying about the Pagan Community?

I personally think that much of the Pagan community is too self-absorbed. Everything is about “me, me, and me.” I think that another diarist whose work I ran across recently used a most appropriate word: self-aggrandizement.

This shows up in many ways. The first way is how too many Pagans come to Paganism only with a thought for “what’s in it for me?” They look for the magic to make their lives better. They look for something that will make them feel better. Or they look for something that “empowers” them. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with any of these things. But they do not a religion make. At some point, one must realize that we’re dealing with the Divine here. Wether we see gods as individual entities, “faces” of one Great Divine, or archetypes from the collective unconscious, we are dealing with something which is not just “another part of ourselves.” We are communing with and drawing on “resource” that exists outside of ourselves. And yet, we treat this “resource” as if it’s just for us. Personally, I find one of the great irony of Paganism is that we preach that we must use our natural resources like oil, coal, and woodland more respectfully and reverantly, yet never consider our implied lack of respect and reverance for our spiritual resources.

The other way that this “me mentality” expresses itself is our lack of self-criticism. Pagans as a whole are adverse to stopping and questioning themselves. Questioning another Pagan’s basic perceptions and assumptions is dangerous. It gets you accused of being a “fundie” and all other kinds of things. And yet, I find it funny. Pagans usually accuse “fundies” of being “sheep” for not questioning authority. But if we as Pagans declare ourselves the authority, then does not consistency of our views require us to question the authority within?

Are there any specific symbols that are sacred to you or that you hold close to you?

Not really, no. I love the runes as whole, but I’m not sure that any of them appeal to me specifically. Perhaps Fe, though. After all, I love it’s gentle reminder that I have all the “wealth” and resources I need and simply need to properly cultivate them.

What’s one thing that you think the Pagan Community needs?

I think the Pagan Community mostly needs to get over itself. We as a whole need to remember that the world does not revolve around us, that the world is not out to get us, and that the world really couldn’t care less about us in the great scheme of things. It seems to me that we need to realize that the universe is a grand and complex thing and that if we are to really “live in harmony with it” like we often claim to be trying to do, then we need to come to terms that we’re an infinitely small speck — and likely a relatively insignificant one, at that — in it and take our humble place in it.

Getting Healthier

Tonight, I went for my walk. I’m actually doing really well at this again. I’m finding that four or five days a week seems makes for the perfect regimen. It’s comfortable. That was the problem I had with walking every day back in November. As time went on, I started feeling like I had to “force” my exercise. I think I overdid it and burned out. Whereas with this new pattern, I get two or three days off each week, which keeps me feeling good. I get both the exercise and the breaks I need.

I’m also thinking about modifying my schedule. I was originally planning on walking Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But the more I think about it, that really doesn’t make sense. It means that I’m walking four days in a row, taking a break, walking one day, and then taking another break. And let me tell you, those Friday through Monday benders are getting to me a bit, I think. I think it makes sense for me to take my break on Monday and then walk Tuesday and Wednesday. That way, I’m walking a maximum of three days in between breaks. I think I’ll find it more comfortable.

Now I just have to work out a more doable meditation schedule…

Can you canoe?

I just talked to my father. Tomorrow afternoon sometime, we’re going to take the canoe (yes, my parents own a canoe) down to one of the lakes and spend a few hours paddling around. I suggested the idea, since I haven’t been canoeing in a few years, and my father was highly agreeable. Mom said he would be. And truth be told, I’m not surprised. I figure it’ll be a nice change of pace for my exercise tomorrow. It’ll break up the monotony and even work a different group of muscles. After all, I give my legs enough exercise. It’ll be nice to put my arms and upper body to work.

I’ve always loved canoeing. I remember when my sister and I were both small enough that all four of us (my parents, my sister, and I) could fit into the canoe. Mom and Dad would paddle around for hours, and Stephanie and I would love it. Of course, we loved to put our hands and feet in the water, which made extra drag that Mom and Dad had to fight against. But they never seemed to mind.

When Mom and Dad were done, Dad would often tie the canoe to the dock with a small amount of slack in the rope. Then he’d let my sister and I sit in the canoe and paddle ourselves around. My parents were always standing right there watching us — after all, they had to make sure that nothing happened to us, but I always enjoyed it. Being in the canoe and paddling it for myself (well, with Stephanie’s help) gave me a good feeling. Oh, I should probably mention that my sister and I were as young as five when my parents started doing this. How many small children get to have that kind of experience? I loved it.

Of course, being safety minded, my father also made sure that we were very aware of the safety rules. I even remember the time that my father and my uncle took all of us kids (my sister, our uncle’s kids, and me) out to the middle of the river. The water was about waste deep for the two men. They’d have a couple of us kids get in the canoe. Then, each man would grab an end of the canoe and flip it. As they flipped it, we had to make sure that we got out of the canoe and into the water without hurting ourselves, and then get to the canoe and grab hold so we’d stay afloat. My mother was mortified. She kept standing at the shore the entire time, fretting about the whole thing to my father. I personally thought it was just a fun game. Again, I was about five at the time. It was a long time before I really understood what my father was trying to teach us kids that day.

I think that’s why I’ve always been comfortable with canoes and the water in general. I learned all of that stuff as a little kid. It was made into a game for me, so I always understood these things. It’s why people who are afraid of the water confuse me. I simply don’t understand it. I mean, when I went to scout camp at age twelve and took the canoeing course they offered, I knew 99% of what they taught. The only new things I learned were how to empty and right a flipped or swamped canoe if you’re in a second canoe and how to paddle a swamped canoe back in to shore. The safety, paddling, and steering parts of the course were all second nature to me by then.

I’m really looking forward to taking the canoe out tomorrow.

Ego vs. Service

You know, some Pagan message boards really disappoint me at times. It seems to me that a lot of people you meet there are looking for ego stroking more than any real religious devotion. In fact, a lot of these people seem to be interested in showing off how incredibly “spiritual” or “magical” they are.

For example, today, one person was talking about how they had all these past lives they could remember. And of course, in every one of these past lives except one, this individual “had power.” The cynical, bastardly part of me just wants to scream “get over yourself.” And of course, then you have the discussion about self-Initiation. And when someone mentioned they don’t believe in it, someone threw out “well, who initiated the first witch, then?” I’m sorry, but that’s an old question. Who gave a medical degree to the first doctor? And yet, I doubt anyone would be interesting in hiring a heart surgeon who was “self-degreed.”

Of course, most people will scream that there’s a difference between a doctor and a witch. Well, that may be true to an extent. But it does beg the question. Isn’t being a witch more than a label to bolster one’s self-esteem? Doesn’t it actually mean something? To me, it does. To me, it means serving a god in a priesthood. To me, it’s about actually working towards something. But to a lot of people out there, it just seems to be another status label. There seems to be no duties or responsibilities that come with it. Just something to impress others with.

Me, I think the most incredible thing that I’ve had happen to me is to hear people I consider far smarter than I am refer to me as “intelligent.” To me, that made me smile from ear to ear. It also made me blush. Because I know that the person who said it doesn’t give out compliments willy-nilly. But it also made me realize that I had an expectation to live up to. Because of this person’s high standards, I suddenly had a compliment I needed to strive to live up to.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.