Category Archives: Introspection

Introspection

Rainy days are nice

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Despite being wet, today is a gorgeous day. The temperature is not only above freezing, but just warm enough to make wearing a light jacket comfortable. This is a good thing, as the steady rain calls for a vinyl jacket to keep myself dry. But the air is comfortable, just cool enough to remain invigorating.

The rain is a bit disappointing, however, as it interferes with my thoughts of going to one of the parks and walking around. I grimace at the thought of missing out on some much needed exercise. Checking the weather report, I take some comfort in the knowledge that tomorrow is supposed to be rain-free, if a little cloudy. Happily, the forecast is calling for even warmer temperatures tomorrow. So I set my plans for physical activity aside for the day and consider alternatives more fitting to the current conditions.

It’s the kind of day that makes me long for my parents’ home. It’s the kind of day where we might gather around the dining room table, talking or playing a game. It’s a peaceful scene, full of pleasant conversation and companionship. We might occasionally take a glance out the big picture window, watching the raindrops beat the ground. Despite the weather, I can imagine a squirrel or bird running about in the yard, looking for food. Whoever spots the soaked creature would likely point it out to the others, and we’d all share a moment of watching its antics before turning our attention back to our own activities in our dry haven.

The image in my mind shifts, and I see myself someplace with a fireplace. I sit in a chair next to it, either reading or working on my writing. The crackle of the fire offers background noise that is comforting and reassuring, as does the percussion of raindrops against a nearby window. Every few moments, I allow my thoughts to surface from the book or journal in front of me, listening to these sounds as my thoughts again settle and reorganize themselves. I might gaze into the fire as well, allowing the leaping flames to dance in my vision, suggesting images or patterns of thought. After a few moments of such reflection, I return to the pages before me, either to read what is written there or to fill them up with my own thoughts. And again, the day and my surroundings become the backdrop to the creative processes within.

As I said, even a rainy day can have its beauty. You just need to look at it in the right way.

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality

I need to do that more often

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Last night, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I wrote an erotic story. I think the last time I did that was back in 2005, maybe even 2004. I forgot just how much I enjoyed it. It’s a way to really express myself. And since it’s about the only sexual outlet I have right now (well, other than the obvious one), I think I’ll be making use of it more often.

As a result, I found myself in a rather mellow mood. I came home practically floating. And that’s even after writing another rather personal part of Journey!

The singleness thing is starting to get to me again, though. The problem is, it’s difficult to go through all of this intense self-exploration and revealing such intimate parts of myself, only to know that I don’t have someone to share them with in that special way. I’ll manage, though. After all, I really do want someone special, and not just someone I can make use of. That’s not my style, and I’ve felt guilty the few times I even came close to doing any such thing.

I’m also feeling pretty vulnerable right now, which is both good and bad. It’s good, because I like that my feelings aren’t locked away, wishing desperately to get out. But at the same time, it also means I’m vulnerable. And that’s scary.

Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development, Sexuality

Sexual Self-discovery

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I think one of the truly frustrating things I’ve had to face over the past several days is the realization that as far as my journey of sexual self-discovery has come, I still have further to go. Worse, I’ve discovered that some of the lessons in that respect were not as well learned as I would like to think. I find myself looking at a refresher course.

One of the more painful lessons was that I need a certain amount of security and safety built up to truly express myself sexually and feel comfortable with sharing that part of myself with another person. This isn’t exactly news to me, as I’ve always known it on one level or another. But the past several days have reinforced that truth, and reminded me of some of the costs that can result from allowing myself to ignore it. And while I certainly wouldn’t change any of the mistakes I’ve made recently, I can honestly look at them and acknowledge them as mistakes.

As I sit here and think about this, I find myself considering the various reasons why I took things too fast. After all, there are more than one, each influencing my decision-making process. Some are quite simple, such as the fact that at the time, things just seemed to be too right not to make the choices I did. Then there’s the fact that the past nine months have involved a process in which I’ve been rediscovering just what it means to me to be a sexual person — the person that I am. So when the opportunity to explore that more experientially, it only made sense to do so.

But it also reminded me that I need to be the person I am — even the sexual person I am — on my terms. I need to first create an environment and a relationship in which I’m comfortable exploring. I forsook building up to that place of comfort and raced ahead because it seemed like the right thing to do. And as a result, I’ve been reminded of why I shouldn’t do that.

Hopefully, I remember and exercise better judgement the next time I find myself faced with such choices.

Emotions, Grief, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Stronger than I thought

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In a previous post, I mentioned briefly that I was going on a coffee date. I haven’t said much more about the experience, which was good, or the subsequent dates I had, which were also good. Originally, I didn’t want to right much, as I felt it was more appropriate to see how things went before getting too talkative about it. And then as things progressed, I felt that I needed to spend some time with the young man I was dating talking about everything. It was important to talk to him long before I talked about him or our experiences together.

Unfortunately, things did not work out between us as I had originally hoped. This was particularly complicated by the fact that each of us made some rash choices about our time together, resulting in a lot of hurt for both of us. We’ve spent a fair amount of time over the past several days talking about what happened, how we each felt, and just life in general. The end result is that we’ve decided to just be friends, and I’m very hopeful we end up developing a strong, lasting friendship as a result.

As I sit here and think about the past week and the future, I find myself experiencing a myriad of emotions. I’d say that chief among those emotions is disappointment and a bit of longing. To be honest, making the choice of not pursuing the relationship in favor of developing a friendship was not an easy one to make. There’s a part of me that longs for more, no matter how strongly I know that this is the right choice. Indeed, I found myself wondering how I’d feel when I saw him again. I found myself doubtful of whether I could spend time with him without it tearing me up inside.

I’m both pleased and relieved to say that those doubts were unfounded. Recently, I had the opportunity to spend four hours with him. And while I won’t deny that there was the occasional pang during our time together, it was well worth it. Conversation simply flowed. Not the kind of superficial conversation that feels mechanical or forced, but deep and honest communication. We shared an openness with one another that was beautiful and precious. And I have to admit that I find myself looking forward to another experience like that.

As I’ve thought about our recent time together, I found myself asking the same question again and again: When did I get this strong? How did I get this strong? I remember being the person who would fall completely apart at the first sign of emotional let-down and take weeks, months, or even years to recover. And here I am today, fresh from a breakup, ready to take it all in stride. I’m even looking forward to a friendship, despite the fact that part of me would still like more than friendship. And ultimately, I don’t feel it’s that big of a deal. And in many ways, that truly astonishes me. Because I don’t remember becoming the kind of person who could feel that way.

Emotions, Introspection, Love, Personal Development

Painful realizations

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I’ve always hated making mistakes. In fact, the fact the ability and tendency to make mistakes is one of the few things that drive me batty about the human condition. Fortunately, I’ve slowly learned to accept that aspect of my own humanity, and I can usually avoid excessive self-flagellation when I goof up.

What still bothers me, however, is when I make a mistake, only to realize it’s a mistake I’ve made in the past (or at least similar enough to one that I should’ve realized it was a mistake). It’s one thing to make a mistake due to lack of experience. It’s another thing to make a mistake despite experience. It’s even worse when deep down, I know I made the mistake against my better judgement. I let other factors override my judgement, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow.

It seems that some lessons need to be repeated. Hopefully, I do better on the next test.

Introspection, Paganism, Religion, Tarot

Tarot Musings: Strength

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Deck: Tarot of Transformation
Card: Strength (XI)
Keyphrase: Moving from the Core

A female figure stands in the foreground of the card, towards the right. She wears a patterned skirt and a veil flows across her arms and chest. A vine or branch travels up through her transparent body, suggesting a link to the earth. A bright line begins in a spiral near her feet and also travels up through and aalong side her body, flowing towards her uplifted left arm. Both of her arms are spread wide, transforming into feathered wings as they extend from her shoulders.

The woman looks over her right shoulder, gazing at the pyramids behind her in the scene. Two smaller, solid pyramids are visible a short distance behind her and to the left. A third, large pyramid takes up muc of teh background. It glows with golden light, and an eye floats just above its tip, radiating light on the rest of the card.

This card reminds us that we are at our strongest when we are deeply rooted. When we draw on the traditions of the past and the inner wisdom that lies in our core, we are revitalized. We can draw on these sources of strength and wisdom to aid us in our current growth.

The winged figue reminds us that being rooted in tradition is not as stifling as we might first think. Instead, understanding such tradition enables us to truly find and understand our wings, teaching us to use our uniqueness and freedom wisely.

Introspection, Memories, Personal Development, Writing

I feel like a writer

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I’ve been keeping a copy of Harald’s Story in a Word document. Tonight, I printed out a copy of it so I could share it with a couple of local friends. I’m amazed at how long it’s getting. It already spilled onto page eighteen, and the hero and his associates haven’t even set sail yet.

Of course, I also have to admit that I’m a bit nervous. I have no only the vaguest idea of how the story is going to proceed once Harald and company set sail. So I currently feel like I’m glibly writing my way off the edge of a cliff, so to speak. But I do take some comfort in the knowledge that when I originally started thinking about the story, I only had the first couple scenes planned and a very basic premise for the rest of the story. And since I’ve started writing, I’ve already developed that kernel into the seven “chapters” I’ve written so far, and I have a good grasp of the contents of at least three more chapters. So hopefully, the rest will come as I progress just like the current material has slowly developed.

But more importantly, I’ve rediscovered my love of writing fiction. I haven’t felt this excited about a story I was working on since I tried to work on the series of stories surrounding my characters Keylar and Amira. That was back just before Zech and I broke up (the break up that influenced my choice to abandon that story). Here I am, eight years later, and I’m feeling quite accomplished. Who knows, maybe I’ll eventually be able to “rediscover” Keylar’s story and return to it. I’ve always felt sad that I could never get myself back to a point where I could continue it. But in the meantime, I’m happy with my current project. Here’s to hoping things continue to go in such a positive direction.

Introspection, Meta-Blogging

The problem with sources

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At some point in the last twenty four hours, one of my favorite liberal Christian bloggers made an update to a post he made about claims that the National Park Service staff were prohibited from giving an answer about the Grand Canyon’s age. This claim was made based on a statement issued by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility, aka PEER. Bob’s update was to let everyone know that these claims appear to be unfounded and to apologize for being duped. He also provided a link to a lengthy explanation and retraction posted by Skeptic Magazine, who had also been duped by the story.

This is a clear case where some relatively simple fact checking (namely calling the National Park Services and asking whoever answers the phone whether they could comment on the age of the grand canyon) could have saved both Bob and the folks at Skeptic Magazine the trouble of wiping a considerable amount of egg off their face. Both parties admit this. But I don’t wish to be critical of them, as I can completely empathize with their position. Truth be told, this could have happened to me as easily as it happened to them. I’ve been known to trust sources without much fact checking as well, and I certainly don’t want Bob or the folks at Skeptic Magazine pointing their fingers at me and laughing should our roles ever be reversed.

Instead, I want to focus on the frightening (to me, at least) reality that this could happen to anyone. It’s easy to spread information simply because a source we trusted had an off day or otherwise got their information wrong. Perhaps their source was incorrect. After all, misinformation can get spread even when there’s no deceitful intent on anyone’s part. I’m reminded of Bogaert’s statistical study that I blogged about back in August as a prime example of that. An aquaintance had blogged about an LA Times article on the topic. After searching for the original study and reading it, I concluded that the newspaper article was somewhat misleading about the conclusions of the study. Granted, that writer hadn’t gone as far as repeating blogus claims, but I feel it’s still an issue.

So I find myself wondering what level of responsibility I, both as a conscientious individual and a blogger, need to take on when it comes to verifying my sources? The ultimate solution would obviously involve me checking every fact for myself as directly as possible. Unfortunately, I’m not a paid journalist. I have another full time job. And even my free time is split between multiple projects. So while the ultimate solution is attractive, it’s simply not feasible. So what would be a more reasonable solution?

Another obvious albeit vague solution would be to only use reliable sources. But how does one determine what sources are reliable? And don’t even reliable sources make mistakes? (I suspect Skeptics Magazine and any other journalistic group whose had to publish a correction or retraction would answer that question with a resounding “yes.”)

I don’t think I have an answer to my questions. I’m not sure anyone does. (Though I’m more than willing to listen to them if they do). But I suspect I will struggle with those questions for some time now.

Introspection, Paganism, Religion, Tarot

Tarot Musings: The Star

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Deck: Tarot of Transformation
Card: The Star (XVII)
Keyphrase: Guiding Light

A lone female figure stands in the center of this card, leaning against a tree. The tree?s barren limbs and the mostly white ground at the figure?s feet tell us that it is winter. The woman wears a long, heavy dress, and a dark shawl is draped around her shoulders. From her neck hangs a pendant of an upturned crescent moon with a single flame nestled in the inner curve. The woman?s head is slightly inclined to view the lone star shining in the sky towards the left edge of the card (to the figure?s right).

This card speaks of the inner wisdom that comes from within the individual. This wisdom is available to us when we allow ourselves to stop and listen to it, divesting ourselves of the distractions that often fill our lives. The woman on the card stands in a barren winter-land because she knows that it will enable her to focus more on that wisdom she carries with herself, as symbolized by her pendant. The crescent moon suggests that this is more an intuitive wisdom rather than intellectual knowledge.

There is a strong correlation between the star in the sky and the pendant of the figure. These symbols remind us that consulting this inner wisdom is a matter of consulting the source of that wisdom ? that Divine source to which we are connected. In essence, we are reminded that the search for the sublime starts within, for that is our guiding light.

The wintry background also reminds us that cultivating and accessing this inner wisdom and the resulting cosmic understanding requires some unseen work. There may be times which we must go through a period of silence while our unconscious works to rearrange things and prepare us for the next stage of the journey.

Introspection, Personal Development, Religion, Tarot

Tarot Musings: Seven of Swords

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Deck: Robin Wood Tarot
Card: Seven of Swords

A man shrouded in a gray hooded cloak is climbing over a waist-high stone wall. Only eyes, nose, and mouth are visible from within the hood, wearing a scowl that suggests anger and bitterness. Sticking out from beneath the man’s cloak are four swords, while a line of tents is visible in the background, suggesting an encampment from which the man stole his treasures. His left boot rests on a flat surface of stone that sticks out halfway down the visble side of the wall, aiding the man in his escape.

This sword speaks of ill-begotten gain, both material and intanglible things which we have aquired in less than honorable ways. Like the man on the card, we sneak away feeling that we have gained something, but at the expense of our own integrity. Most often, these occasions occur when we feel that we are due something and have been cheated out of it. After all, the expression on the man’s face makes it clear that he feels that his pilfered blades are rightfully his. Perhaps he too feels that he was beguiled out of them unjustly and sees his thievery merely as the best way to rectify the situation.

However, this card reminds us that even the right result achieved in less than honorable ways robs us of something greater. While the man may be collecting what is rightfully his, his methods of doing so shall permanently mar him as someone who is slippery and less than trustworthy. Indeed, the relatively small size of his stepping stone in the escape — barely big enough to rest his boot upon — suggests a precarious path, and one that can easily result in a sudden downfall. And so it is with the path of going to dubious means to aquire our goals, no matter how noble they may ultimately be.

This card calls us to consider our methods of getting what we want and going where we want to be. It calls on us to be upright in our dealings, even when those we deal with fail to return the favor. After all, the way in which we make the journey for ourselves can have as lasting effect on us our final destination.