Emotions, Introspection, Personal Development

Transformation and Integration

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While chatting to me online last night, my friend, Panda, commented to me that she barely recognized the shy, introverted, inscure boy she first befriended about a decade ago. And she’s absolutely right. I’m hardly that person I was back when she and I met and she helped me make it through some of the most emotionally trying times of my life. I’m not sure I could point to an exact time when I transformed into the self-confident, flirtatious, and occasionally intimidating guy that I am today. To be honest, I think it was a process and there’s no single “flash point” I could point to anyway. It just progressed as time went on.

In many ways, I think I was always the person I am today, even back then. I just didn’t fully realize it. But as I’ve walked that path and allowed myself to discover my inner strengths and source of confidence, I’ve become more and more myself. I’ve found a comfort with myself that, if I take the time to really think about, I never really knew before. And that’s fantastic.

Of course, as I think about it, I also think of some of those qualities I always have had — and even exhibited back before I punched through my shell and exploded into the world — and I hope that they are still equally visible. For example, I don’t want the fact that I’m now quite friendly, outgoing, flirtatious, and willing to actually say a number of things to ever negate the fact that I’m a good listener and able to give people a shoulder to cry on.

Oh, I know I’ll never lose those qualities. They’re as much a part of me as these new aspects of my personality are. They always will be. But I hope that they continue to remain visible rather than getting obscured by my ability and desire to be more outgoing and forthright.

In reality, I think that won’t be a problem in the long run. Right now, I’m exploring something new in my life and a new dimension of my being. I suppose that to some degree, it’s only appropriate that it get a little extra focus and even be a bit emphasized. But my fondest desire is to eventually find a way to integrate it all so that it feels and looks like a complete whole rather than fractionalized and somewhat conflicting pieces trying to coexist. After all, I want to be a complete whole, and all of these things are what make the whole of me.

Randomness

Ten Tangibles

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Back on Tuesday, Pisco listed ten tangible things he’d appreciate. I thought it was a neat idea and decided to do the exercise myself. Now I’m actually following through with that decision.

  1. A walking partner.
  2. A stable, somewhat assertive, compassionate, communicative, and passionate guy to share my life with.
  3. An all-expenses paid trip for two to some exotic place.
  4. A couple more good friends.
  5. A hot tub.
  6. A full body massage.
  7. A paid holiday to work on my writing
  8. A new wardrobe
  9. A night of dancing
  10. More opportunities to practice my tarot reading
Daily Life, Gender and Sexuality, Personal Development, Society

Living in a Straight World

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One of the great paradoxes involved in getting out more is that becoming more active gives me a great deal more things to blog about while at the same time severely decreasing the amount of time I find to actually do the blogging part. For example, I still have something from Friday night’s comedy show that I want to blog about. And yet, here it is almost a week later, and I still haven’t found or made the time to write it down. And I haven’t mentioned the stroll my father and I took through Genesee Valley Park Monday evening, which is also worth noting. But for this post, I think I will stick to the subject of Friday night.

At one point during her show, Vickie Shaw asked any straight people in the audience to indicate their presence by applauding. Becky, who had agreed to accompany me that night, was one of three or four people who applauded. Of course, Vickie took this time to have a bit of fun assuring them that gay people actually like straight people, “We just don’t want you teaching our children.” She also made some comment about understanding that straight people just couldn’t help that they were straight. The whole thing was funny simply because of the reversal of the more common situation involved. Needless to say, Becky was thoroughly embarassed by the whole thing.

As we were driving out of the hotel’s parking garage, Becky commented on the incident, and asked if it bothered me to be in the reverse situation (often being the only gay person in a sea of heterosexuals) and made me as uncomfortable as that point in the show made her. I laughed and told her that no, I’ve been there enough that I’ve made my peace with such a situation.

At first, Becky didn’t understand this. She pointed out that she had been in similar situations before, and yet she found herself slightly uncomfortable every time. I nodded, but pointed out that there was still a difference. Even if she had such an experience once a month — or even once a week — it still wouldn’t quite compare to living that experience almost every minute of almost every day.

To the best of my knowledge, the most reproducible statistics say that gay and bisexual people make up between two and three percent of the population. Those are pretty low statistics, and it means that the probability of me being the only gay person in any given situation is pretty high. And even in cases where I’m not, it’s likely that there’s just one or two other kindred souls in the situation. That’s life, and you learn to get used to it or you drive yourself batty.

Of course, it helps when you join groups specifically for gay and bisexual people. One of the things I like about attending game nights and ImageOut events is that it does put my in places full of kindred souls. There’s a great deal of comfort in that.

But ultimately, the time comes — at least for those of us who don’t want to move to places like San Francisco — when life requires us to return to the wider world. And learning to deal with that is a matter of survival and mental health. Indeed, it’s best to learn to not only survive, but thrive in that situation. It’s a matter of rising to the occasion and building up a strength that can carry you through — and onward and upward.

Friends, Going Out, Personal Development

I think I scared Kevin

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Tonight, since I didn’t manage to hook up with anyone to start making plans for weekly meditation, I decided to run over to Border’s and catch the second hour of the Witches Meetup that happens every fourth Tuesday there. I had a chance to see a lot of faces I haven’t seen in quite a few months and even met someone new. Overall, I had a good time.

I do think I scared Kevin when I got leaving. As I said goodbye to her, Wendy told me to be good. I invoked my usual line, asking, “Can’t I just be good at it instead.” Kevin made the mistake of asking me what I was going to be good at. This naturally had to be responded to with wagging eyebrows and a rather devious “Wouldn’t you like to know?” His expression was priceless. I guess he’ll have to learn to think about whether he’s ready for an answer before he asks any open ended questions like that again.

At one point, I had Wendy do Reiki on my neck and back. I’ve been feeling tense again lately. Several times, she commented on how much heat and pain she was getting while she worked on me, and even asked what I’d been doing. I told her I’ve just been really stressed. Fortunately, she understood.

I forgot how much fun the Tuesday night Meetup can be. Due to meditation, it’s rare that I get to go, which is unfortunate. There are a lot of people who go there but don’t necessarily get out to other events. I enjoy talking to them. I may have to see about making sure I’m not doing meditation on that Tuesday night from now on so that I can skip and go to the meetup instead. After all, it’s one more opportunity for socializing, right?

Friends, Humor, Online Life

An amusing case of mistaken identity

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A while back, Seething Mom was kind enough to post a link to my coming out story on her website. Apparently, this has led at least one other blogger to mistakenly assume that I’m Seething Mom’s son.

I discovered this fact this evening when I checked my site statistics and saw a large influx of visitors from Rising Up Whole. Naturally curious as to who’s linking to me, I paid a visit. And while I’m certainly grateful for the added attention the post over there has brought to my story, I’m sorry that there’s been a bit of a confusion over the relationship between myself and Seething Mom.

So to clarify to anyone who might be confused, Seething Mom and I are just friends. I found her diary originally through a mutual friends. Since then, I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with her via blog posts and comments and even a couple of emails. However, I am not her son. I only wish I was. 😉

Going Out, Health, In and Around Rochester, Photos

Wandering the Paths

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Bridge over the Canal

Originally, I had planned on spending a couple hours at Seneca Park Zoo today. It’s been quite a few months since my last visit, so it seemed like a good idea. However, when I got there and saw how full the parking lot was, I realized that the place was going to be packed. As such, I came up with a quick plan B and headed for Genesee Valley Park instead.

I haven’t been to Genesee Valley Park since I went there for the Pride Picnic last July. I was a bit worried that I’d have trouble finding it again, but everything came back to me as I drove down Elmwood Avenue. In fact, I found the turn I should’ve taken to park next to the area the picnic was in last year. So I spent a good amount of time just wandering around the paths.

For those not familiar with the Rochester area, the park straddles a section of the Erie Canal, cutting it neatly in half. The picture to the left is of the foot bridge that connects the two halves of the park. I wandered along the paths along the east side of the canal. As I crossed another foot bridge, I noticed a group of people kayaking along the canal. I grabbed a quick shot of a couple of them.

kayakers

One of the things that truly surprised me in my wandering is just how small of a space this city is packed into. After I crossed the bridge where I saw the kayakers, I soon found myself passing under a highway. I was quite surprised to discover that this was not only I-390, but it was near the south bound exit to get onto West Henrietta Road by way of the East River Road. considering I had taken that exit to get onto West Henrietta Road and then drove a mile to get to Elmwood Avenue and eventually to my parking spot in the park, I was surprised to find myself able to get back to this spot with just a few minutes of walking along a path.

As I continued my walk, I quickly found another path under the highway. Here, I found a nice little resting area snuggled under the highway. I could just image sitting there with a walking partner (especially one I was also romantically involved with) and taking a brief rest while we shared a quiet conversation. The idyllic nature of the scene comes to my mind quite easily.

A quiet place to rest

My wanderings eventually took me beyond the bounds of the park. The Canal Path seems to go on endlessly. In fact, I find myself wondering if it isn’t all part of the path I followed when I walked along the canal in Pittsford. It wouldn’t surprise me.

I followed the canal path for a while, but eventually turned back. However, instead of taking the direct route back into the park, I decided to follow a side path which took me up through part of the University of Rochester and by Strong Memorial Hospital. This eventually dropped me back into the path via the road I originally drove in on. It made for a nice circuit.

One thing I noticed in the walk was the number of cyclists who were sharing the route with me. I was quite impressed by their courtesy. I noticed that more than one rang a small bell (presumably installed for just this purpose) to let me know that they were coming up on me. This would give me the chance to get over to one side, for which they would thank me as they passed.

Sexy Baseball Player

In the park itself, I passed a number of people who were just relaxing, sunning themselves, or playing frisbee. I even passed a small cluster of college guys who were playing softball (though I get the impression they were doing so with a tennis ball, which struck me as somewhat odd). A number of them were playing shirtless due to the heat of the day, and naturally I had to ogle them. I even managed to snap a picture of the one.

To be honest, this is one of those experiences that remind me just how much I like to go for walks. I think this will become a regular part of my weekend activities. Though I do hope I can find a friend to share the experience with.

Daily Life, Friends, Going Out

Great Saturday

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Yesterday, I got up around 9:30am, shaved, and hopped into the shower. Once I took care of a few other odds and ends, I hopped into my car and made the drive down to Elmira to see my friend, Mike. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, as I’ve been rather busy up here in the Rochester area most weekends. It was great to catch up with him, and he certainly needed a friendly face, seeing as his marriage just recently ended. I was both surprised and saddened to hear that. I was the best man at his wedding back in 2005, and they seemed like a great couple. But things can change over time.

Surprisingly, he and I seem to be going through a lot of the same inner processes right now. It turns out that he too is going through this realization that he needs to treat himself more and get out more. He’s actually started going out to a movie every weekend, which is a radical change for him. I think it’ll be good for him however. We got talking about both our growing senses that we needed to get out more, which made it nice that we could relate. We then watched a few episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus before I had to get back on the road.

After that, I ran to Dansville to see my friend, Belinda. She was housesitting for her parents this weekend, and she invited me to come see her. Michele had also decided to come spend the afternoon and evening there, so we had a good time. When I arrived, they were watching a movie on Lifetime. It was a pretty interesting movie, and they filled me in on enough details that I could enjoy the ending. After that, we decided to run to the truckstop for dinner and had a great time talking there. The food was pretty good, as usual. We eventually paid and went to Belinda’s parents’ home. When we got there, I popped in the DVD I bought at the Vickie Shaw show last night. Belinda and Michele both absolutey loved it, and the three of us laughed ourselves silly. I found it particularly interesting because the DVD was from her tour back in 2000. It was interesting to see how her act had changed since then. For example, Sargent Pach was just “her girlfriend” back in 2000 and didn’t play quite as big a part in her act back then. Though there were some elements that were quite familiar, such as the whole “sexual peak” segment. Overall, the DVD was a riot, but I think I liked last night’s act better. It just seemed more developed and refined. And I suppose that seven years later, that only makes sense.

Belinda and Michele have already told me that they’d love to go if Ms. Shaw is ever in the area next time. So I promised them that if I got any announcements about future shows, I’ll be sure to get four tickets that time. Who knows? Maybe by then I’ll have reason to get a fifth ticket. Hope springs eternal, after all.

Friends, Going Out, Humor, Personal Development

A great night of comedy

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This evening, I picked up Becky at her apartment and headed over to the Clarion Riverside Hotel to catch Vickie Shaw doing her comedy act. Before I saw the announcement a month ago that ImageOut was sponsoring her for a one night act in the area, I had never heard of her before. All that I can say is that I now know what I’ve been missing.

Vickie Shaw does an incredible standup routine that mostly focuses on her life, her relationship with Sargent Patch, her relationship with her kids and other family members, and her general outlook on life. She then salts this routine by having a bit of fun with the stereotypes about gay men and lesbians. Her delivery is accentuated by her personality, which is the essence of southern refinement with a coarser edge. (Or maybe it’s the other way around, it’s hard to say.)

Some of my favorite lines from tonight’s act are as follows:

“I told you I love you once. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know!”

“We gay people think you straight people out there are just fine. We just don’t want you teaching our kids.”

“And the baby dykes scream, ‘No! I dont want to wear it!'” (Talking about little girls and Easter dresses.)

The entire show was an hour long stream of stories and jokes which kept us all laughing. After her act was over, she held a question and answer session, inviting the audience to ask her anything. At this point, Ms. Shaw demonstrated that she was not only a comic genius, but an intelligent and deeply thoughtful woman. This particularly became clear when she spoke about the stand-up comic business and the difficulty that lesbians and gay men — the latter more especially — face in trying to make it in the business.

After everything was over, I took Becky around and introduced her to some familiar faces. I also made a point of taking a moment to speak with Ms. Shaw and thank her for such an enjoyable experience. I also bought a copy of her DVD, “Vickie Shaw Live.” I plan on tormenting Belinda with it tomorrow evening.

It was a spectacular night, and I’m glad I went. Becky had a great time too, an being able to share the experience with a friend certainly added to the overall experience. And if I ever get a chance to catch Ms. Shaw’s act again, you better believe I’ll jump all over it.

Work

It’s been a rough week.

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This has been a pretty rough week at work for me. I’ve spent most of it trying to reproduce a bug so that I can analyze and fix it. Unfortunately, due to technical issues, I haven’t been able to reproduce it. And of course, because this bug has been outstanding for quite a few weeks (I just recently inherited responsibility for it from another coworker, and have only been working on it for a week, personally), everyone’s chomping at the bit to get it fixed already. And I’ve made absolutely no progress on it — not for a lack of trying mind you.

And then, I’ve had other technical problems with my other tasks too. For those familiar with Murphy’s Law, I’ve officially joined the ranks of those who insist Murphy was an optimist. Let’s just say that enough things went wrong and my frustration levels got high enough that I very seriously considered leaving work this afternoon and calling in sick tomorrow. When I told Michele that, she blinked and said that was totally unlike me. Well, that’s how stressful things got.

Fortunately, after talking to my boss and then spending an hour or so with Michele and Belinda after work, my stress levels came right down. So with any luck, I’ll have a much better day tomorrow. Or at least I should be able to manage it better. Or so I’m hoping.

Going Out, Health

Problem solved

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For the past couple of days, I’ve been debating with myself about what I wanted to do tonight. A COAP member was hosting a dart night over at Nasty D’s pub. And while I don’t play darts (the thought of me throwing sharp, pointy projectiles is too frightening for words), I seriously considered going anyway just to hang out and chat with those playing. After all, it would be another opportunity to meet people and hang out with others.

But at the same time, I found myself wondering if it might be better for me to stay home. After all, I’ve been busy every other evening this weekd. And even tomorrow evening, I’m booked with the Vickey Shaw comedy show. On top of that, my body is giving me clear signals that I need to slow down a bit and get more rest. So I found my desire to make good of yet another fantastic opportunity to change my isolation battling agaisnt my growing realization that even though I need to spend regular time in the company of others, I also need some time to recuperate. Trying to decide which argument was going to win out was not easy.

Fortunately for me, circumstances have changed in such a way that it makes the decision moot. Last night, when I checked my email, I discovered that dart night has been postponed until next week. So this frees me to go home, put in a movie, and just generally chill without worrying about missed opportunities.

Of course, I suspect I’ll face the same choice next week. However, with any luck, I will be more rested and can schedule down-time for a different evening.

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.