Tag Archives: Grief

Bonus Post: A Norse Pagan rite to support someone severing ties with a loved one

20 July 2024 Jarred Leave a comment

Explanation and Background Information

Happy Saturday, dear readers! I decided to publish a bonus post today due to something that an acquaintance from an online deconstruction community said over on Threads:

Thoughts on grief & estrangement.

The thing about no contact with a parent is they have basically died.

But society doesn’t have a way to really grieve that.

My uncle died and my health (and said estranged parent) is precluding me from going to the memorial.

I wrote cards to my aunt and cousins this week, sending my condolences.

But before I sent those, some internal work was required, bc my mom has died – but no one really knows that.
Threads post by joyfulsojournr.

What joyfulsojournr said struck a cord with me. This is something that we as a society — especially those of us who like to build religious community — really need some sort of rite for. After all, we have rites for funerals, weddings, births, coming of age, and many other life events. Why not rites to honor cutting ties with someone and mourning the loss of that relationship?

At first, I wrote a draft of a simple solitary rite for grieving the loss of relationship. However, as I thought about it more, I realized this is a moment in people’s lives where they need community recognition of and support for this important and often painful transition in their lives. So i have chosen to expand the rite into something that a kindred or other group might do. I’m including the entirety of this new community-oriented rite in this post.

I will note that this rite is deeply rooted in (my understanding of) Norse mythology and cosmology and draws on that symbolism extensively. As such, this rite won’t meet the needs of everyone. But hopefully it will give even those who do not honor the Aesir and Vanir ideas on how they might develop their own rites to help one another through such a life decision.

The ritual

Participants:

Mourner (the person cutting ties with a loved one)
Ritual Leader
Priest of Thor
Priest of Freyja
Priest of Idunna

Note: The ritual leader and three priests can be of any gender. Also, the same person can take on more than one role. However, when possible, the role of each priest should be taken on by someone who has a close connection with that deity.

Items Required

Two drinking horns or cups filled with a suitable beverage
An apple or a few apple slices
An offering bowl (can be excluded if the rite is to be performed outdoors and offerings may be poured directly onto the ground.

Ritual Body

Gather everyone to the ritual space and get everyone’s attention.

Priest of Thor: (Making the sign of Thor’s hammer at each of the four cardinal directions, then toward the sky, then the earth.) Mighty Thor! Hallow this place that we might gather with the gods, the ancestors, and the spirits of land here!

All: Hail Thor! Hallow this place!

Ritual Leader: Gods. Ancestors. Spirits of this land. Please attend this rite that you might witness what we say and do here today. For with this rite, we seek to influence wyrd.

All: Hail to the Powers! Witness our rite and our working of wyrd.

Ritual Leader: Today, we both witness and participate in a shift in wyrd. A member of our community, [Mourner] has chosen to cut someone from their lives. Step forward and name the person.

Mourner: I have chosen to remove [person] from my life. (Mourner may acknowledge who this person is and what relationship there has been between them if they wish.)

Ritual Leader: Have you made this choice of your own free will?

Mourner: I have.

Ritual Leader: And do you believe that this is the best course of action for the sake of your health and well-being?

Mourner: I do. (Mourner may briefly elaborate on why they have made this decision if they wish.)

Ritual Leader: Then as your community in frith with you, we shall honor this choice.

Priest of Thor: As Thor guards the enclosures of men and gods from those chaotic forces that would do harm, I swear to help you maintain your separation from [person] so long as you wish it.

All: So we all swear.

Mourner should take up the first cup or drinking horn at this time.

Priest of Freyja: Freyja, the queen of the Vanir was once separated from her lover, Od. During her separation she cried tears that turned to gold, demonstrating that grief itself is precious and valuable. And while you have chosen to cut off [person], we acknowledge that there will still be grief involved. I invite you to pour out your grief at this time.

Mourner should pour out an offering from the vessel they hold.

Note: The participants should discuss each of the next three offerings and only include the ones relevant to Mourner. For example, if Mourner has no good memories with the person they’re cutting from their life, that offering should be left out.

Priest of Freyja: Even relationships that no longer serve us often had its bright moments. These will lead to memories that need to be grieved. And there may be grief that no such future memories will be created.

Mourner should pour out another offering. Optionally, they may also share some of the memories they are grieving.

Priest of Freyja: Often when we end a relationship, it is because we realized that it was not the kind of relationship we had originally thought of us. Such disillusionment is often painful and we must grieve the loss of what we thought we had as much as we grieve those things that were real.

Mourner should pour out another offering. Optionally, they may also share what some of the shattered illusions the termination of this relationship is forcing them to grapple with.

Priest of Freyja: The termination of a relationship often comes with the loss of hope. Hope that the relationship will improve. Hope that we can somehow fix or salvage it. The loss of that hope deserves to be grieved.

Mourner should pour out another offering. Optionally, they may also share what hopes they had for the relationship up to this point.

Priest of Freyja: Hear us, Queen of the Vanir! Having witnessed [Mourner’s] offering of grief, we acknowledge the pain of her loss and the value of her grief. Like your own tears, let their grief be a precious as gold to you.

All: Hail Freyja! Accept their grief!

Reilgious Leader: Grief is not a one-time experience that can quickly left behind. As your community, we recognize that these offerings are just the start of your grieving journey. We swear to support you as that journey continues.

All: So we swear!

Priest of Idunna: (Picking up the apple or apple slices) As Idunna nourished the gods with her apples and kept them strong, let us nourish, comfort, and strengthen you during this time of change and grieving.

The Priest of Idunna should offer the apple to Mourner, who should then eat it.

Ritual Leader: (Picking up the second cup or drinking horn) Let us all share a drink and toast our love and support to [Mourner].

Hold a one-round sumbel where each participant affirms Mourner’s decision, offers a blessing during their time of grieving, or otherwise demonstrates their support. Mourner should drink from the cup last, offering gratitude to those in attendance and stating their hopes moving forward.

Ritual Leader: Gods! Ancestors! Spirits of this land! We thank you for witnessing this rite. We ask you to continue to bless our community and especially [Mourner] during this time and grief.

All: Hail to the Powers! Thank you for your attendance!

Ritual Leader: This rite is concluded. Let us break together bread in kinship and frith.

Retire to feasting and good conversation.

Paganism

Prayer(s) for Mourning

14 November 2010 Jarred 4 Comments

Image by eqqman via Flickr

(This was written at the request of a friend. May she find them helpful.)

Ancient Lord,

Receive
my loved one who has passed beyond this world. Guide him to a place of
honor in the Land of the Ancestors, so that he may find the peace he
deserves. Grant him rest that he might prepare for the next great
adventure that waits him.

So mote it be.

Lady of Tears,

Grant
me comfort now as I mourn the passing of my loved one. Let me remember
and cherish the love that we shared, the love that now fuels my sorrow.
In my grief let my memories of him, his trials, and his triumphs burn
bright that I might give testimony to his life and deeds.. Let him
live forever in my heart, where age and infirmity cannot touch him.

So mote it be.

Emotions, Grief, Love, Personal Development

Old Diary Entry: Tears of Gold

1 May 2010 Jarred 2 Comments

Image via Wikipedia

I wrote the following entry and posted it to Bloopdiary (when I was still there) on 19 August 2005, when I was still processing through my breakup with Mike, who I had been with for four years. I recently mentioned this entry to someone else and realized I no longer had a copy online. So now it’s online again. Enjoy!

As I’m getting settled into my new apartment and finding ways to establish myself in Rochester, I find myself realizing just how little I think of Mike. In some ways, I find myself in that strange state where it just doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve cried my tears, and while I feel the slight ache of being alone once again (and not getting any younger), I have a strange peace about having lost him.

It was a rough journey getting here. I found myself emotionally distraught about the whole thing. I cried so many tears. To be honest, I never realized I could cry so much over the end of a relationship when I was the person to end it. But there you have it. And I think I learned a lot about it. I came to understand one of Freyja’s myths a bit better.

When Freyja lost Od, she cried tears of gold. Indeed, according to Snorri, this is why “Freyja’s tears” became a kenning for gold. I always found the fact that her tears were gold a mild curiosity. Now I see it as an incredibly profound mystery. And I have a much greater appreciation for the value of grief. Indeed, I’d go so far as to say that true grief is a sacred act in its own right. Hence the tears of gold.

I wanted to quit being sad over the breakup. I kept wanting to “move on already.” I didn’t want to shed any more tears. I was “wasting time.” But no, the tears, the sadness, the grief kept coming. And my sweet Lady kept telling me, “No, you need this. Cry your tears. They’re my golden tears.” So I did the only thing I could do, I cried, and I explored my grief.

Then I realized why I cried so much. I was experience true grief, the kind that only comes when one loves so freely and without reservation, only to lose that love. In effect, I wept bitterly because I loved fully. And there is a certain beauty in that.

You see, I think that’s the mistake we too often make. We’re too afraid of that kind of grief, so we avoid being so vulnerable. We only love grudgingly, often holding back and never truly letting go. We do that because we think that sense of grief is bad and to be avoided.

After the past couple months, I’ve come to a different way of thinking. As painful as such sorrow and grief may be, it is in its own way a celebration. My tears were bitter, but they were born of my precious love. I came to understand that as I cherished my love, I could cherish my grief which came as a result of it. In that view, they became bittersweet, and I could see how they really were tears of gold.

I’m not sure many people would understand that. But that’s okay. I guess it’s one of those things you have to experience and come to understand yourself. Me explaining it just won’t do. But for those who do understand, I can just imagine their reaction to reading this.

Emotions, Grief, Love

Hurt

26 January 2010 Jarred 1 Comment

Image by WolfS?ul via Flickr

I love you and I miss you. But I’m also hurt.

I understand
you’re in a difficult position. I understand that it’s frightening for
you. And I understand why you’ve made the choices you did. My heart
breaks for you that you were ever in a position that you had to face
such choices.

But you were in that position, and you made those
choices. What’s more, you made many choices that helped to leave us in
the situation we now find ourselves in. And I feel like you chose to
ignore that fact, and instead place responsibility entirely on those
around you — including me — instead of accepting your fair share of
that responsibility.

Please understand, I’m not saying it’s all
your fault, either. We both made choices, and not all of mine were the
wisest or best choices I could have made. And others have contributed
as well. There’s plenty of “blame” to go around. But it hurts that you
seem to want me to shoulder your responsibility — or at least part of
it — in addition to my own.

In some ways, I wonder if I made a
mistake in trying to make things easier for you. I sometimes steered
clear of bringing up the consequences of your choices or the painful
decisions that you might have had. I find myself wondering if in doing
so, I merely encouraged you to continue denying your own
responsibility. If so, then I suspect I did both of us a great
disservice.

So I’m hurt right now. But I still love you, and I still miss you. I think that makes the pain all the more acute.

Friends, Grief

Someone I care deeply about is grieving.

17 December 2009 Jarred 3 Comments

Image via Wikipedia

Someone I care deeply about has lost someone he cares deeply about today. Please keep him in your thoughts as he grieves. If you’re the praying type, please pray for him. I don’t usually tell people how they should pray, but if you would indulge me, I’d like to offer these suggestions:

Pray that he has the courage to grieve and grieve fully.

Pray that he feels safe enough to grieve.

Pray that if he needs to cry, he finds a time and place where he can allow himself to cry.

Pray that if he needs to shout, he finds a time and place where he can allow himself to shout.

Pray that if he needs to ask the hard questions, he finds a time, a place, and the sense that he can safely ask the hard questions.

Pray not that his grieving will be cut short or sped up, but that he may go through the process fully and properly.

And pray that in it all, he remembers that we grieve because we have first loved. And let the memory of that love inject some sweetness in the often painful grieving process.

Musings of a Wyrd-Worker