Gender and Sexuality, Paganism, Religion

Bonus Post: Introducing the Bifrost Brigade

Leave a comment
Image created by Melamint and released under the CC BY-NC 4.0 license.

For many years now, I’ve joke about creating an organization for LGBTQIA2S+ Heathens called the Bifrost Brigade. At the start of Pride Month this year, i decided to push the idea even further by creating a poorly designed image using Canva:

As you can see, Melamint has far more artistic ability than I do. To the point it’s not really a contest.

I posted my image to Threads and and BlueSky and Melamint, a fellow Heathen with a background in design, saw it over on BlueSky and fell in love with the concept. So she took it upon herself to create a much better logo for it. The latest version of that logo (well, the one on a white background) appears at the top of this post. She was kind enough to release the image under a creative commons license (CC BY-NC 4.0), enabling me and others to use it more or less freely. (Just seriously, make sure you acknowledge her as the creator of the original source image(s). We need to honor our artists in this community.)

So I guess this means I actually need to do something with the Bifrost Brigade rather than just joking about it every so often! After all, the logo above (Melamint’s, not mine) is just too good not to use. The thing is, I don’t think I’m the right person to try to set up an actual organization.

But I think I just might be able to name and spawn a movement. So I invite you to join the Bifrost Brigade, a budding (or perhaps merely rebranded in some people’s cases) movement of LGBTQIAS+ Heathens and Norse Pagans who see our sexuality and gender expressions as an integral part of our lives and something honoring to the Aesir and Vanir.

So who can consider themselves a part of the Bifrost Brigade. There are just a few simple requirements:

  • Be a Heathen or Norse Pagan, or honor or work with one or more of the Aesir and/or Vanir.
  • Have a sexual orientation and/or gender identity that challenges cisheteronormativity. (Allies/supporters are welcome, but asked not to center themselves.)
  • Be committed to a vision of Heathenism and Paganism in that is inclusive general. (Translation: White Supremacists of any degree or flavor are not welcome.)

Why “Bifrost Brigade?”

As I said, the name (and the idea) started out as a joke in my part. It was an alliterative allusion to the rainbow bridge leading to Asgard, home of the gods I hold dear. The dual meaning that the Bifrost was also the rainbow that represented LGBTQIA2S+ pride.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more the imagery has appealed to me. As I wrote on social media, the thought of LGBTQIA2S+ Heathns gathering around the path leading to the home of our deities and owning the implied relationship with them draws me in. We draw closer to them because they embrace us and consider us family. (Heck, Loki is one of us! And I suspect he’s not the only one!)

The rest of this post is my attempt to get out what I consider the important thoughts about my vision for this movement.

I had no input on the design for the logo. Melamint took my bare bones idea and decided to use the colors of the Progressive Pride flag to create the impression of two Berkana runes back-to-back. However, i fell in love with her design almost as soon as I saw it.

I’ve seen some LGBTQIA2S+ Heathens with other common Heathen symbols in rainbow colors. The two most common ones I’ve seen are Thor’s hammer and the valknut.1 But I’m neither a Thorsman nor an Odinsman and i don’t feel particularly connected to symbols dedicated to either of those gods specifically. It’s part of the reason i went with “Bifrost Brigade,” as Bifrost leads to the realm of all the Norse deities rather than one particular deitiy. And I feel the use of the Berkano rune in the logo casts that same wide net. Sure, while certain goddesses may have a special connection with that particular rune, I feel the principles/mysteries embodied by Berkano can be foudn in all the Aesir and Vanir.

Commitment to embracing pluralism society

There are many LGBTQIA2S+ organizations out there. I think the vast majority of them use a rainbow pentagram/pentacle as their preferred symbol. I don’t connect to that symbol any more than I do the valknut or Thor’s hammer, so it never really worked for me as pride symbol, either. Plus, I wanted something that especially focused on embracing LGBTQIA2S+ people in a more Heathen context. I suspect I’m not the only one, so that’s what the Bifrost Brigade (at least as I envision it) seeks to do.

Having said that, I’m also a strong proponent of pluralism. All humans are human and all LGBTQIA2S+ people are LGBTQIA2S+ people, regardless of whatever their spiritual practices may be (assuming they have any at all). Furthermore, I think that we are stronger together. So while I see the Bifrost Brigade as being a “Heathen flavored” celebration of LGBTQIA2S+ identities and pride, I want to recognize and express solidarity and collaboration with other expressions of those identities and pride as well. We are well past the days when isolationism is healthy or safe.

Relatedly, I’m not inclined to turn away those who honor or work with deities outside of the Norse pantheon(s). For example, I would personally welcome anyone who draws on Freyja to celebrate and honor their sexuality, regardless of the fact that they might also call on Athena or Aphrodite. The Aesir and Vanir are not jealous deities and I do not believe they care who else you honor as long as it does not interfere with keeping whatever commitments you’ve made to them.2

Commitment to radical inclusion and opposition to bigotry

One of the things that frustrates me the most about the LGBTQIA2S+ community is the fact that there’s often prejudice and bigotry within our own ranks. We often can’t even avoid being prejudiced against one other! I’ve encountered misogynystic gay men, transphobic LGB people, and gay men and lesbians who engage in bi-erasure and other forms of biphobia. And a lot of us tend to forget about or even pathologize aro-ace people.

I don’t get it. We all just want to be accepted for who we are. Well, part of that involves accepting others for who they are as well. After all, at some point we have to be honest about whether we really want to end oppression everywhere or just earn our own seat at the oppressors’ table and let others go on suffering.

My vision for the Bifrost Brigade seeks to do the former. So as far as I’m concerned, no bigotry or prejudice has any place in the movement.

I want to specifically address the issue of racism and “folkism” here, as that’s often a hot topic in many Heathen circles. To make it clear, I am a firm believer that the Aesir and Vanir will call who they choose to call to them, regardless of race, heritage, or any other factor. And who am I to question that?3

So if you can’t agree wholeheartedly with the Declaration of Deeds4 or feel the need to add some sort of caveat or qualification to it, you’re almost certainly not aligned with the Bifrost Brigade as I envision it.

The use of the word “Queer”

The logo(s) above include the tagline “Queer Heathens Unite!” I understand that the word “queer” has a complicated history and it makes some people within our community uncomfortable. I chose to use it in my original image because it’s shorter (and catchier IMO) than “LGBTQIA2S+ Heathens.” Also, I came out in the late nineties, when many people in the community were reclaiming and embracing the word “queer.”5 So I tend to like the word.

If the word makes you uncomfortable, you have a couple options:

  • You can use one of the many versions of the logo Melamint created that don’t include that tagline.
  • You can create your own derivative work based on one of Melamint’s images. (just make sure you follow the conditions for attribution defined in the license.)

Personally, I hope many people go with a version of the logo that includes “Queers unite” because I think we desperately need to unite at this moment in history. But I also respect people’s individual choices to navigate their own feelings about the phrasing.

Concluding remarks

So there you have it. And to those who feel called, welcome to the Bifrost Brigade. Let us gather at the rainbow bridge and ascend to the home of the Aesir and and Vanir. Let us celebrate the frith we share with them, fully embraced as our authentic selves.

Footnotes

  1. I’d like to note that I’m not actually endorsing the artists whose merchandise I’ve linked to here. In fact, I’m nervous because I know nothing about either of them and accidentally supporting someone who turns out to be bigoted or exclusionary in other ways is always a worry for me. But a quick google search didn’t turn up links to either image/symbol in rainbow colors that weren’t also merch. But bear in mind that the links there are for reference to the symbols I mentioned only. If you decide to buy either item, let the buyer beware. ↩︎
  2. Indeed, I’ll note I’ve had a couple fleeting flirtations with Pan myself. However, I definitely belong to Freyja. For me, she always comes (tee hee) first. ↩︎
  3. As close I am to Freyja, I cannot begin to fathom how hard she’d laugh at me or how hard she’d kick my ass if I challenged her right to call someone as one of her devotees. ↩︎
  4. Declaration 127, currently under the stewardship of The Troth, is another good example of the principles I’m going for here. ↩︎
  5. The decade I came out was the decade that the organization Queer Nation made a splash with their famous slogan: “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.” Of course, by the time I came out, people were also throwing out humorous variants like “We’re here. We’re queer. Let’s go shopping!” ↩︎
Magic/Magick, Religion, Witchcraft

Pondering witchcraft/magic and the Christian prosperity gospel: Similarities and difference

Leave a comment

The topic of the Christian prosperity gospel and the ways in which it is similar to witchcraft and magic is something my mind keeps coming back to. I have also discussed it with others, acknowledging how their experience with the prosperity gospel makes them worry about how witchcraft and magic are presented by some. In fact, one of those conversations inspired me to write another blog post a little over five years ago.

This time, i’d like to do a bit of a deep dive into the topic, comparing the prosperity gospel to a few different understandings of witchcraft and magic, and exploring both the similarities and what I consider some of ht key differences.

My Relevant Background

To begin with, I’d like to share or revisit my own background where it’s relevant to the topic at hand. Something that I would hope is obvious by this point from this blog, I am a witch and have been working magic for a couple of decades now. As such, I’ve learned quite a bit about witchcraft and magic as I understand and practice them.

What may be less known is my personal experience with the prosperity gospel movement, or at least the principles that tend to drive it. While I’ve mentioned multiple times that I’m a former evangelical Christian, I have not spent much time discussing the details of my experiences as a Christian. The relevant bit of history is that I attended a Full Gospel1 church during the last half of my freshman year at college until I graduated in 1996. In that church, I learned the same kind of “name it and claim it” theology that is at the heart of the prosperity gospel. it was common for us, for example, to pray Psalm 91 over ourselves and others (inserting names into the passage) for protection from Satan and his demonic minions.2

Diverse Understandings of Witchcraft and Magic

I think the diversity of opinion when it comes understanding how witchcraft and magic works is another important thing to understand. After all, I think that some more simplistic understandings of magic — such as the popular manifestation movement3 of late — comes closer to the mentality — and therefore the same pitfalls — of the Christian prosperity gospel movement than others. So I think it’s important to tackle the topic by looking at those diverse understandings of magic rather than my own understanding of magical practice.4

Mechanical Similarities

Magic and witchcraft often involves using gestures and words to set an intention and focus power on that goal. Also, “spell components” such as herbs, candles, and oils are often used with the idea that their inclusion will include some sort of magical boost.

Prosperity gospel adherents may not call what they do magic or use the terms most witches and magicians do. However, there’s little denying the belief among prosperity gospel adherents to use phrases like “in the name of Jesus” and “by the blood of Jesus” as well as Bible verses to punctuate their prayers and give them a “boost” like words of power.5

Prosperity gospel adherents even have their own “spell components” of a sort. The most common one is anointing oil. A more unique example, would be the woman on TikTok who recently poured grape juice all around her property to protect her home with “the blood of Jesus.” Atheist YouTuber Taylor the Antibot covered this video recently as part of her own video about Christian witchcraft. I highly recommend you check out Taylor’s video.

Prosperity Gospel, Magic, and Unrealistic Explanations

One of the things I notice in the prosperity gospel movement is that there doesn’t seem to be any limits to what one can accomplish through such “name it and claim it” theology. If you can find a verse in the Bible that (maybe kinda sorta even) says you’re entitled to something, you have every right to claim it and the power of God will make it yours.

Some understandings of magic seem to think this as well. i’ve heard such aphorisms of “if you can imagine it, you can have it.” To be honest, I find that an awful big check to write. And this creates problems when you don’t actually get whatever you tried to visualize/magic/name and claim into existence.

Other understandings of magic — my own included — tends to put limits on magic. We understand that the world is a complex place and, as awesome as our personal power can be, it is not unlimited. Nor is it supreme. And this leads me to my next point.

Victim Blaming Becomes a Thing

As i said, when the prayer, spell, or Bible verse doesn’t cause the desired results, someone needs to come up with an explanation. And since “prayer/magic must be bullshit” isn’t one most people who believe in such things are typically willing to jump to very quickly, they look for other explanations. When prayers don’t work out, many Christians will decide that what they wanted was apparently not God’s will. It’s not an entirely satisfactory answer, but it’s one that allows for there to be some limiting factor on the efficacy of prayers.

That doesn’t seem to be a popular explanation among adherents of the prosperity gospel. I suspect that’s because the prosperity is founded upon the belief that you deserve things you want. So saying the things you want are outside God’s will flies in that face. So other explanations are sought. And typically, those explanations are rooted in victim blaming. “You must have some sin in your life preventing God from blessing you,” “you must not have had enough faith,” and “you just didn’t pray hard enough” are all common explanations I’ve seen. If the prosperity gospel way fails you, you must have done it wrong somehow.

I’ve seen similar ideas come from various magical practitioners. Insufficient belief, negative thoughts, and insufficiently clear/vivid visualizations of the goal are often reasons I’ve seen given. Again, the message is clear: You must be doing it wrong.

Personally, I prefer a more complex and more realistic (in my opinion) view of magic that acknowledges that the world is a complex place and a lot of factors — many of which are beyond our control — go into determining what happens. I covered some examples of this in a video I produced in 2021 when I explored the limits of magic and reasons it sometimes doesn’t work.

I think that an understanding of magic or prayer that allows us to see a failure to get the results we were hoping for as something more/other than a result of a personal failing is important.

(Lack of) Ethical Consideration

One of the things that I notice about many adherents of the prosperity gospel is that they don’t seem to put a lot of ethical consideration into what they’re “naming and claiming.” If they can find a verse that they can interpret as saying God has promised them whatever it is that they want, then they typically invoke the power of the Holy Ghost in an attempt to seize it without further thought. They don’t think about how getting what they want might impact their lives or the lives of others.

And while I’m sure there are witches and other magical practitioners that similarly put little ethical thought into what they want or the impact of getting it,6 that’s not been how those I have encountered tend to act. Instead, they seem to show a deep concern for how their magic impacts others. For example, I remember one witch asking about the ethics of doing a spell to get a particular job. “What if someone else needed that job more than I did?” And while there are a number of reasons I think such magic can be perfectly ethical, I appreciate that many of my fellow witches are doing that level of soul searching.

Also, many witches perform divination when contemplating doing spellwork. Often, this divination includes questions about the potential impact and consequences of the spell. The results of such spellwork might change one’s approach to accomplishing one’s goal, modify the goal, or even scrap the endeavor altogether. I think that such thoughtful reflection is essential to responsible magic.

Closing Thoughts

I think that the parallels between witchcraft/magic and the Christian prosperity gospel is interesting. However, I also think it’s important to note the parallels that suggest problematic elements are important so that those of us who wish to be more ethical and introspective about our witchcraft and magical practices can work to avoid or overcome them. After all, while a wise person learns from their mistakes, an even wiser person also learns from the mistakes of others around them.

Footnotes

  1. This was a church that proclaimed that “sign gifts” like prophecies and speaking in tongues are still active in the world today. They preferred the term “Full Gospel” to “Pentecostal” or “charismatic,” arguing that by teaching that believers can and should be “baptized in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues.” They believed that those churches that stopped after getting people to commit their lives to Jesus and baptizing them with water were only offering a partial gospel. Sure, they’d argue, such Christians were “saved,” but they weren’t walking in the full blessings of God. ↩︎
  2. Surely, I’m not the only one who has noticed the amount of overlap between the prosperity gospel and spiritual warfare movements. And both of them seem to have this “speak it into existence by quoting Scripture and/or calling on the name of Jesus” theology. ↩︎
  3. I should note that I’m saying “the popular manifestation movement” intentionally here. I understand that manifestation is a concept that has been around in Hinduism for a long time. And like most popular ideas that share a name with practices from a much older tradition/culture, there are a lot of differences there as well. It would be a gross error to apply anything I say about the popular manifestation movement to the concept of manifestation that exists in a more traditional Hindu context. ↩︎
  4. Someone might read this post and accuse me of saying that I consider my own understanding of witchcraft and magic is superior to other understandings in it. And in the case of providing ways to avoid falling into the pitfalls that plague the prosperity gospel, I can only say that I’m guilty as charged. ↩︎
  5. An interesting trend I’ve noticed lately is that many of them are using a transliteration of Jesus’s Hebrew name “Yeshua” as if that’s even more powerful than the Greek version “Jesus.” ↩︎
  6. I also worry this mentality could become more common as time goes by. This is especially due to the fact that so much is spoken of in the witchcraft and magical communities about self-empowerment and individualism while so little is said about interdependence and our communal responsibilities. Both are equally important and I strive to promote an equliibrium between them. ↩︎
Paganism, Religion

Polytheology: Deities I believe (might) exist vs. deities I worship

1 Comment

I think something that initially confuses many non-polytheists is that when I say I believe a given deity exists, that doesn’t necessarily mean I worship that deity. In reality, there are many deities that I think exists (or am at least open to the possibility that they exist) that I have no interest in worshiping. This includes Egyptian deities, indigenous deities or spirits, most of the Greek deities,1 and even a majority of the deities mentioned in the Norse and other Germanic mythologies. This can be for a variety of reasons, though the most too common are that they are part of a culture that I’m not drawn to2 and their worship tends to focus on aspects of life and/or spirituality that I’m not particularly interested in.

And for many modern polytheists,3 that’s perfectly okay. As a rule, we have no rule saying that other people must honor our particular deities. We say “go worship other deities if you wish, or no deity at all. Just be decent people.”

This is also why I don’t see the need to comment on whether other people’s gods are “real.” Maybe? Probably. The only thing I question is the claims that some other theists make about their deities. For example, I’m never going to accept monotheists’ claims that their deity is the “only game in town.” But does that mean that I don’t think that deity exists? Or do I just think they misunderstand the nature of their own deity?4 In the end, I don’t think it matters. As long as they’re willing to live and let live, I’m happy to follow suit.

This kind of attitude makes it fairly easy for me as a polytheist to embrace a pluralistic society.

Post History: I drafted this post on 9 February 2025. I proofread, revised, and finalized it on 10 February 2025.

Footnotes

  1. The only exception seems to be Pan. i keep feeling drawn to him from time to time for some reason. ↩︎
  2. And in the case of culturally bound closed traditions, I have no business messing with their gods as someone outside that culture/tradition. ↩︎
  3. A year or two ago, I made the mistake of not making that clarification on BlueSky. I made a similar statement about “polytheists” in general and a Jewish man rightfully called me out on it. He pointed out that while ancient Romans were okay with people praying to other gods in addition to the Roman ones, praying and making sacrifices to the Roman gods was absolutely mandatory. This was a cause of much conflict between them and the Jews of the time, especially since the Romans insisted that getting everyone to honor their gods was essential to the health of their empire. Fortunately, I think most polytheists are less inclined to fuse their religion with such nationalism. But it’s also important not to erase our history, even unintentionally. ↩︎
  4. I suppose that if I were to accept that the deity themselves were claiming to be the only deity in existence, I’d have to conclude that said deity is being untruthful. However, I have no verifiable evidence that any such deity is making that claim for themselves. i just have their followers making that claim on their behalf and claiming it’s from the deity. ↩︎
Health, Personal News

Bonus Post: Learning a bunch of medical terms

Leave a comment

Hello dear readers! In the brief note at the top of my previous post, I mentioned that I’d be giving a bit of an update on my health situation. This post is that update. There’s going to be a lot of medical terms and links in this one, so buckle up!

I saw an electrophysiologist on the thirtieth of last month. To be honest, I had never heard of an electrophysiologist until my regular cardiologist told me he wanted to refer me to one back in October. I was surprised to learn there are specializations even within the specialization of cardiology.

I find it convenient that not only are my two cardiologists part of the same health group, but they actually work out of the same office. So finding Dr. Gallagher (my electrophysiologist) that day was pretty easy. Learning to remember all the medical terms he threw out during our visit took a bit of time. In fact, I had to google a couple of abbreviations he threw out to find/remember the full terms.

That Thursday was the first time I had heard anyone say the word supraventricular tachycardia (SVT), which is the definite diagnosis I currently have. Provisionally, Dr. Gallagher has given a further diagnosis of atrioventrucular nodal reentrant tachycardia (AVNRT), which is a specific category of SVT.1 According to sources I found online, it’s also the most common category of SVT. With that diagnosis, Dr. Gallagher moved on to discuss the possible courses of treatment.

The treatment that he recommends — and the one I eventually decided on — was to schedule an electrophysiology study (EPS) to find the “extra circuit” that he suspects is causing my SVT/AVNRT. If he can find it and he deems it sufficiently low-risk to do so, he will then effectively “break” that circuit with an ablation procedure. This could eventually cure my SVT/AVNRT.2 He says the probability that everything will work out that way are good (about 90%). The other 10% involves choosing an alternative treatment, either using medication or putting in a pacemaker.

The good news is that the EPS and ablation procedure can be done as an outpatient procedure. Sure, it’ll be an all-day stay at the hospital (I have to lay flat on my back for four hours and be monitored as they ensure the hole in the artery in my thigh closes up properly), but I should be able to come home and sleep in my own bed/recliner. The recovery is also pretty simple with restricted physical activity (in particular, lifting no more than ten pounds) for a week or less.

The only downside is there is a tiny chance (1% or less) of something going really badly. We’re talking heart attack and stroke territory. But like I said, that’s extremely unlikely. However, given that I have a husband who struggles with anxiety and was bound to get triggered as that part of his brain played out all those worst case scenarios, I did ask Dr. Gallagher to discuss the other most obvious option, which is treatment with medicine. Naturally, this is less desirable, as it’s a lifelong treatment rather than a potential cure. But Not causing my husband to experience any anxiety attacks seemed like something I might take another pill for the rest of my life for. I mean, I’m already up to six oral medications a day, a weekly injectible, and thrice daily insulin shots.

That approach ended up having it’s own problems. As Dr. Gallagher reviewed my chart, he realized the only medication he could potentially treat my SVT with was sotalol. Going on sotalol involves a two-night stay in the hospital for monitoring. A hospital stay was not going to help my husband’s anxiety either, especially since our local hospital doesn’t like to let family stay overnight.3 So I wasn’t sure what to do.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to make a decision that day and Dr. Gallagher agreed to just raise my dosage of of metoprolol while I came home and discussed the news and options with hubby.

In the end, I wasn’t able to help hubby avoid the anxiety attacks, but we got through them. And over the course of a few days, we decided to go with the EPS and potential ablation procedure. Ultimately we decided the idea of me coming home from the hospital the same day and the potential to just to cure the SVT outright was the better option, despite the risks. Especially when we considered just how low the risks are. Also, if I’m being honest, the thought of going on a medication that required me to stay in the hospital for monitoring made me uncomfortable. I haven’t researched it, but I find myself wondering just how harsh this medication is.

So after about a week of talking and letting things settle, I called and asked a few more questions. As part of that conversation, I informed the staff that I wanted to schedule the EPS/ablation procedure. They told me they’d send a message to Dr. Gallagher and get back to me with a potential date. And that’s what I’m waiting for now.

They did tell me that they’re booked out a ways and I’m probably looking at a date “sometime in the Spring.” This is fine with me, as I’d really like to get our vehicle back on the road. I’ve been taking Ubers everywhere (thank goodness I can work from home) and would prefer to change that so i don’t have to come home from the hospital in an Uber.

Fortunately, all my test results show that my heart is quite strong and healthy, so the delay is not a problem in that regard.4 Now the only reason to get it done as soon as possible is to get it over with so hubby can quit experiencing anxiety over it. And to be honest, I’m a bit nervous myself. I’ll be happy to put this in my rear-view mirror.

Post HIstory: This post was drafted. proofread, revised, and finalized on 8 February 2025.

Footnotes

  1. Dr. Gallagher’s assistant/student mentioned one other form of SVT, but I don’t remember what that was. Either way, the treatment moving forward seems to be the same. ↩︎
  2. Unfortunately, this will do nothing for my cardiomyopathy. That damage is permanent. But I can continue to manage that through my current regiment of medications. ↩︎
  3. Dr. Gallagher and I had already discussed my husband’s anxiety as we talked about the EPS and ablation procedure, so I asked him if there was anyway he could arrange for permission for him to spend the night with me. Unfortunately, he said he couldn’t guarantee that. This just further annoys me with our local hospital. ↩︎
  4. Granted, if my health were more critical, I’d like to think they’d find a way to fast-track my procedure. But the reality is that AVNRT is often not even something that needs to be treated. But given just how fast my heart beats when I have an episode, it’s time to do something about it in my case. ↩︎
Books, Gender and Sexuality, Religion, Sexuality

Thoughts from an ex-gay survivor reading other survivors’ experiences (and one in particular)

Leave a comment

Personal Note: As I’m sure you all noticed, my plans to return to my regular blogging schedule at the beginning of the month didn’t happen. What can i say? Oopsie. I guess the news from my electrophysiologist on 30 January impacted me a bit more than I expected. I’ll write a post about that later. But I did want to write this post about one of the books I’ve been reading.

One of the three books I’m currently reading1 is Shame-Sex Attraction: Survivors’ Stories of Conversion Therapy, edited by Lucas (Luke) Wilson.2 It’s a powerful book and one I can relate to heavily as someone who tried to “pray away the gay”3 for a few years myself. I also appreciate Luke’s4 introduction, in which he goes over the history of conversion therapy and what the research has determined about it’s efficacy and harm. Lots of footnotes with lots of citations.

The rest of the book consists of seventeen short essays from various survivors sharing an experience they had while going through conversion therapy or the impact going through it had on them. I’ve only read twelve of them so far, but they’ve each been stark and powerful. They should be a real eye-opener to anyone who is wondering what the “big deal” about conversion therapy really is.5

I want to take the rest of this post to highlight the story that I’ve found the most relatable so far. That’s the essay by Chris Csabs, which is titled “Into the Dark.” Chris was in a Christian band.6 In his essay, Chris relates an experience he had after his band played at a megachurch. I noticed two things about it. The first was the impact that something as simple as having a random guy hug him had on him. Chris wrote:

A momentary look of confusion flashed across his face before he nodded. “Of course, no problem! Bless ya, bro!” he replied cheerfully, bringing his long arms out in a bear-like hug, seemingly unaware of my discomfort. My heart instantly started beating faster.

I’m disgusting.7

Such a normal act created a great deal of inner turmoil in the form of guilt and shame, simply because trying to change his orientation forced him to question his motives and feelings at every turn. I remember having similar experiences and can echo Chris’s description of just how painful and difficult it can be.

The other thing that I noted was the depiction of how lonely Chris seemed to be. Despite the fact that he was traveling with fellow Christians and had just finished performing in front of a crowd, he felt isolated. Further, he felt like he had to isolate himself. In fact, he continued writing about that hug:

I returned the hug briefly, acutely aware in that moment that, because of my plan to become straight, this would probably be the most physical affection that I’d ever again have with another man. My heart ached, and I intentionally turned my attention to the view I had of the others, still mingling and laughing with the swelling group of other congregants.

I can relate to this, as I’ve written in the past about how the the ex-gay road is ultimately a solo journey no matter how many claim to support you:

The thing is, dealing with one’s feelings is ultimately something one has to do alone. No one can feel those feelings for you. No one can take them away from you. No one can do anything other than support you through it all, and no one can give that support 24/7. I found that late at night, laying in my bed, I was left all alone to either face my desire for love and intimacy with another man alone or repress it alone. It was my burden to carry, and the more I fought it, the heavier that burden got.

I encourage you to buy a copy of the book (or check it out at your local library) and read the rest of Chris’s story. And all the other survivors’ stories as well. Though in the interest of preparing people, I will note that some may find some of the stories disturbing or even triggering. Some of the stories include frank discussions of disturbing “therapies,” suicidal ideation, and even abuse at the hands of the person providing the “therapy.” However, I think this is important because it brings home just what a toxic and dangerous practice conversion therapy really is.

Post History: This post was written, proofread, revised, and finalized on 7 February 2025.

Footnotes

  1. What can I say? I’m an overachiever when it comes to reading? ↩︎
  2. Looking at the table of contents, I note that Luke also contributed an essay to the anthology. So he’s more than just the editor. (Insert a “Hairclub For Men” commercial parody here.) ↩︎
  3. I appreciate that the book includes stories from both people who tried “therapeutic” approaches to changing their sexuality and/or gender identity and religious ones. I think most of us who’ve gone through such things tend to use “ex-gay ministry” and conversion therapy” interchangeably. After all, while there are obvious differences in the two approaches, they’re trying to accomplish the same task and result in the same kinds of trauma and harm. Plus, as evidenced by at least some of the stories in the book, a lot of people resort to a combination of both approaches, further linking them. ↩︎
  4. I’ve chosen to refer to him in this post as “Luke” because that’s the name he goes by on social media and I’ve had a couple conversations with him there now. ↩︎
  5. Honestly, despite the fact that I tried going through an attempt (albeit self-directed) to change my sexual orientation, I found some of the stories shocking. And even those that didn’t surprise me still horrified me at times. ↩︎
  6. Chris doesn’t mention the name of the band and I’ve chosen not to attempt to see if i can hunt it down out of respect for that choice. ↩︎
  7. This line was italicized in the book, indicating it was the thought running through Chris’s mind at the time the incident occurred. Sadly, I have no way to distinguish this from the rest of the quote, so I figure I’d point it out in a footnote. ↩︎
Meta-Blogging, Personal News

A personal update

Leave a comment

Hello, dear readers! I apologize for my lengthy absence (which isn’t quite over). I did not expect to disappear for two months. However, life has been hectic and stressful and I just decided I needed some time away.

For those who have not followed me on social media, I have been chasing answers for what’s going on with my heart since September. I’ve been through a nuclear stress test, an echocardiogram, and multiple EKGs. On the 30th of this month, I’m going to see an electrophysiologist, which is a cardiologist that specializes in the heart’s “wiring.” At this point, we’re hoping he can analyze the current information and shed some light on why my heart suddenly decides to speed up and/or break out into abnormal rhythms from time to time. The good news is that I’m not in any immediate danger. But I’d really like to know what’s going on and figure out what we need to do to ensure I continue to be in no immediate danger.

On top of that, I’m dealing with a bit of sadness. Yesterday was my mother’s birthday and today is the anniversary of her death. Yeah, she died a day (actually mere hours) after her birthday.1 As such, she’s been on my mind and I’m experiencing a lot of sadness over that right now.

As I implied above, I’m not quite ready to get back to regular posting, but hope to resume in February. At that time, i plan to resume my Monday and Friday schedule. The first Friday in February, I plan to resume my blog series regarding Spinning Wyrd by Ryan Smith. We’ll see what the first few Monday posts regard. I’d love to continue the polytheology series, but that depends on whether I can come up with something I want to talk about between now and then.

In between now and February, I might do a bonus post or two. We’ll just have to see.

Post history: I wrote the first draft of this post on 22 January 2025. I proofread, revised, and finalized it on 23 January 2025.

Footnotes

  1. One of the sad things about her death is that she had decided she wanted to stop palliative care and return to rehabilitation after many family members came to see her in the nursing home on her birthday. Alas, her heart quickly decided that wasn’t meant to be. ↩︎
Paganism, Religion

Polytheology: Finding a relationship between cosmology and morality

Leave a comment

NOTE: This series is an exploration of my personal theology, which I tend to hold lightly. It is subject to change as I gain new insights. Also, no one should interpret anything I say as the “one true doctrine.”

I think we’re all familiar with stories about cosmic battles between good and evil. They often depict two great forces, one good and the other evil, in conflict, battling for something. Perhaps they battle for control of the universe. Maybe they battle for the souls of humans. No matter what the prize, such stories fill the human imagination, something our entertainment industry has profited from. I’ve lost count of all the movies and television shows that portray such a conflict, occasionally in interesting ways. And while I agree it makes for highly captivating and enjoyable entertainment, I wish there were other stories that portrayed other understandings of morality and cosmology.1

I think it’s important to understand how popular culture not only shapes how we see the real world around us, but helps shape it. So I think it’s important to consider how such a portrayals of cosmology and morality may not be beneficial when applied to real life. For starters, it allows us to think of “evil” as something driven by an external force rather than an entirely human issue. For example, I think the oppression and dehumanization of certain classes of people is unambiguously and morally reprehensible, but I think it’s motivated by entirely human impulses. In many ways, I think framing such injustice as something supernatural can be used to absolve humans of responsibility and avoid accountability. One example of this can be seen in the response of many white Christians who were indifferent to the Civil Rights movement or even opposed it. Even many Christians2 like Billy Graham, who acknowledged racial injustice was a “human heart issue,” suggested it was a problem that would not be resolved until Jesus’s return.3 This often became an excuse to do little or even nothing.

This is not to say that I think an understanding of cosmology — or theology in general — has nothing to say about morality, however. For starters, I think that my understanding of everything and everyone being bound together by shared wyrd underscores the need for morality. That interdependence is what inspires — even forces — us to consider how our actions affect one another. If there were no consequences for our actions, after all, there would be no need for morality. Simply doing whatever we want would be a perfectly acceptable way to live our lives.

Another problem that I see with the way the dominant culture in our society frames morality, theology, and cosmology is that it does so in highly anthropocentric ways. At face value, his makes sense. After all, human religion is a human construct trying to understand humans’ relationships with the numinous — whether we’re talking about the divine, the wider world, or both. As it’s intended to offer humans guidance, it makes sense that humans would be centered there.

However, I think this becomes problematic when we allow ourselves to assume that the rest of the universe shares our anthropocentric viewpoint. This is how we start to see every natural disaster and other hardship as a personal attack on the humans impacted by these events. It’s the point where we start to speculate about which target(s) of God’s wrath the hurricane was thrown at rather than simply accepting that the hurricane was a force of nature and some humans had the misfortune of being in its path.

I think that a more careful reading of many sacred stories could help alleviate that kind of thinking. As I’m most familiar with the Norse myths, I’ll once again use them as an example. Particularly, I find an examination of the Aesir’s relationship with the jotnar (“giants”) instructive. While many individual jotnar were seen as enemies of the Aesir because they posed a particular threat, they were not collectively seen as evil. In fact, a number of the Aesir were paired with jotnar.4 I’ve seen other Heathens suggest that even Thor, famous slayer of jotnar, only killed those who threatened the balance and/or safety of the world. Beyond that, the Aesir and the jotnar seem to leave one another alone, having different interests. I think it would be good for we humans to internalize a similar sense that there are forces (and possibly entities) in this world that do not share our interests. And sometimes, it means that our best response to them is to stay out of their way as much as possible and find ways to cope and mitigate harm when that is not possible.

Post History: I wrote the first draft of this post on November 17, 2024. I proofread, revised, and finalized it later the same day.

Footnotes

  1. It particularly bothers me when stories that draw on Pagan (either modern or ancient) themes fall into this trope. The reality is that if any such cosmic battle existed in certain cultures’ stories, they were often far more complicated and nuanced than “the good guys versus the bad guys.” ↩︎
  2. Lest anyone think I’m solely picking on white Christians for their frequent allegiance to white supremacy, let me acknowledge that modern Pagan and Heathen movements and organizations have their own struggles white supremacy. In fact, I’m currently reading Queering the Runes by Siri Vincent Plouff. In it, they go through a brief explanation of Heathenry’s dark history of white supremacy. Fortunately, they also have a web page with recommended resources for ensuring that your Heathen practice is anti-racist. ↩︎
  3. For an exact quote, check out chapter two of White Evangelical Racism by Anthea Butler. Then read the entire book. I highly recommend it. ↩︎
  4. Freyr’s marriage to Gerd and Njord’s marriage to Skadi are two famous examples. Also, the interesting thing to note about the marriage between Skadi and Njord is that it was arranged to make peace with Skadi after the Aesir had killed her father, Thiazi. Again, thissuggests a more complicated relationship to me than “good guys versus bad guys.” ↩︎
Meta-Blogging, Personal News, Politics

Reeling and trying to recover from a Trump win

Leave a comment

Hello dear readers! Last week felt like a massive trainwreck to me. And it started out so well. I was excited to get out another polytheology post on Monday and was hoping to get back into blogging after only putting out four posts in October. Then things changed on Tuesday.

I will note that Tuesday already started out rough for me before the U.S. election results started rolling in. I was dealing with some aches and pains1 Monday night, which meant I got very little sleep. What sleep I got wasn’t all that restful either. So when I got up Tuesday morning, I decided to take an unplanned day off from work. I spent the day with my husband watching television and YouTube videos, playing computer games, and just enjoying each other’s company.

That evening, I made the mistake of looking at the election results so far. Things did not look promising. At the time, only 217 electoral votes had been called for Trump. Harris had secured 174. And while there were plenty of states that hadn’t been called yet, the map I was looking at showed that the vast majority of the outstanding states were clearly leaning toward Trump. But as someone who tries to remain hopeful, I told myself anything could still happen. Still, my husband and I took a few minutes to discuss our fears and what we might want to do if the worst happens.

Tuesday morning, my hopes were dashed and I was devastated and angry. In fact, I was angry enough that I was willing to say the following on social media:

I’m not going to lie. Those were not entirely idle words. I put some power behind them.2 I am that angry about the fact that so many of my fellow Americans are willing to vote for a man and a party3 that holds that much contempt towards so many of us. They wouldn’t mind seeing many of us getting harmed as long as they think it’ll get them what they want.

After that, I went silent on social media for a few days. I decided I just needed a break from the political hellscape. I needed time to keep myself from spiraling into total despair and fear. After all, there’s a part of me that fears just how bad things could get over the next few years. I really do believe that if we don’t find effective and meaningful ways to resist, our democracy could warp into something sinister and even fascist.4 While those fears are legitimate, I needed time to get some distance from them lest they rob me of my ability to resist. If that were to happen, I’d be of no help in reshaping wyrd and setting our society and country back on a better path.

So right now, I’m trying to figure out what my part in resisting the nightmare policies Trump and his supporters have planned will look like. I’m not sure what efforts I want to financially support and how much I can budget for that efforts.

The one thing I do know is that for me, resistance will start with continuing to be myself. I will continue to maintain this blog and my presence on social media sites. I will continue to post about the things that matter to me and present my authentic self and my perspective on the world. After all, I’m among the people that Trump and his base like to dehumanize and deny rights to, so it’s important to make myself seen and my humanity evident in order to push back against those attempts.

I’ve also been thinking about community a lot. I think that in this time, community and mutual support will be even more important. And I think that working communally will be vital.5 I’m not sure what that will look like for me, but it’s something I’m thinking about.

I’m still reeling. I’m still trying to recover. But I’m here and I will not allow my fear and despair to drag me away from my ability to help make this world a better place. I’m just taking some time to develop a vision and a plan.

Post History: The first draft of this post was written on November 9, 2024. I proofread, revised, and finalized it on November 20, 2024.

Footnotes

  1. It’s somewhat distressing how frequently I have aches and pains these days. After all, I’m still only fifty and hope to live another forty years or more. What are things going to be like when I’m ninety? ↩︎
  2. Before any naive readers start shouting “harm none” at me, you might want to be aware that (1) I do not consider the Wiccan rede binding and (2) I don’t interpret it as prohibiting all harmful acts anyway. ↩︎
  3. I mention this because our problem is not Trump. Trump is just the symptom of the greater problems that are deeply rooted in our society and system. Problems like misogyny, white supremacy, Christian supremacy, and queerphobia. Trump’s just what you get when we as a society let these problems run rampant. ↩︎
  4. The reality is that our democracy is already broken and that was true even before Tuesday. Now we have to find a way to keep it from getting worse and hopefully reverse the damage already done. ↩︎
  5. I find it interesting and appropriate that my recent posts in my polytheology series have spoken heavily at the concept of community and group work toward a better world. It’s a reminder I think I and many others need right now. ↩︎
Paganism, Religion

Polytheology: Remaining in community with the ancestors

1 Comment

NOTE: This series is an exploration of my personal theology, which I tend to hold lightly. It is subject to change as I gain new insights. Also, no one should interpret anything I say as the “one true doctrine.”

Happy Monday, dear readers. For today’s polytheology post and in honor of Samhain/Winter Nights,1 I thought it would be good to talk about the importance of the ancestors in my theology. After all, not only are we in community with our fellow humans and our deities, we are still in community with those humans who went before us, who laid the foundations for the world we currently live in and continue to shape.

I originally became aware of the practice of some Pagans to honor the ancestors when I spent time in Ár nDraíocht Féin. In their rites, they welcome three groups of beings to join them: The gods, the ancestors, and the nature spirits, making offerings to each of them in turn. In time, I learned that more Pagan groups had similar traditions or practices.

As time went by, I came to understand why this was so important. I began to see that much of my Pagan spirituality was about being in community with others, including non-humans (and non-living humans). I came to understand that all of us — humans, ancestors, deities, and nature spirits — were meant to work in cooperation to shape the world we live in. I’ve written about this kind of mutual cooperation with our deities for such a goal:

I think this mutual need shapes a different kind of relationship between deities and humans than one suggested by religions that posit an all-powerful, authoritarian deity. Our deities must cooperate and even negotiate with us rather than handing down commandments from on high. This puts us on more equal footing and allows us to meaningfully consent to any relationship with them. It also suggests that we are all a part of that One Eternal Reality, trying to work communally to shape it into something beneficial for all.

So why is it important to have such a cooperative relationship with our ancestors? In my mind, the short answer to that question is “continuity.” After all, our ancestors began shaping wyrd long before we came along. They had a vision and I think that understanding and appreciating that vision is an important part of continuing the work that they began.

It’s important to note that our own vision for the world may not look the same as the one our ancestors had. That’s to be expected, as things have changed since them. And in some cases, I’m sure our ancestors’ vision was imperfect and not something to be continued.2 After all, if we do not think our deities are perfect sources of wisdom, why would we think better of our human forebears?

And yet, I also think their vision is not totally without merit. Sometimes, there is a fragment of something truly beautiful worth pulling out, embracing and expanding upon. Perhaps it’s an ideal that they expressed, but failed to live up to.3

I also think it’s necessary to understand their vision to understand how they created the world that they left for us. In understanding that, we can better figure out what to do with it, and even how to fix the flaws they left behind and/or created through their ignorance and prejudices. And sometimes, it’s necessary to understand why some things need to be dismantled and built over by starting with a better foundation.

In the end, I think that even when we dismantle certain things from the past, we honor our ancestors. In such acts, we acknowledge their humanity, complete with all its imperfections. And hopefully, it causes us to examine our own humanity and our own imperfections. May it be so and may it lead us to considering what foundations we leave our own descendants (both biological and otherwise) to work with in the future.

Post History: I wrote the first draft of this post on November 3, 2024. I proofread, revised, and finalized it on November 4, 204.

Footnotes

  1. One of the things that I love about Winter Nights is that it lasts for more than a single day. In fact, the way groups like The Troth calculate it, it lasts from one full moon to the following new moon. That’s a fortnight of ancestrally goodness! ↩︎
  2. For example, there’s no escaping the truth that a good number of my ancestors were colonizers. That is a vision I do not wish to continue and try to find ways to break away from. ↩︎
  3. Like those founding fathers who boldly stated “all men are created equal” while practicing slavery. What they said was true and valuable. We just need to practice it more fully than they did. ↩︎
Paganism, Religion

Polytheology: Human relationship with deities

1 Comment

NOTE: This series is an exploration of my personal theology, which I tend to hold lightly. It is subject to change as I gain new insights. Also, no one should interpret anything I say as the “one true doctrine.”

In my previous post in this series, I posited that I do not consider deities to be omnipotent. When I’ve mentioned this on various occasions, someone has often asked, “What’s the point in worshiping them?” I’m not sure whether the person asking the question has a limited understanding of what it means to worship a deity or honestly does not see the value in honoring and establishing a relationship with a being who, while not all-powerful, still might have much to offer. Either way, I think it suggests a misunderstanding of what having a relationship with a deity or deities means in my theology.

To me, my relationships with my deities are not about unquestioning obedience or fawning, which often seems to be what comes to mind when many people hear the word “worship.” This is why, as Moss Matthey noted in An Apostate’s Guide to WItchcraft, some witches prefer to say they “work with” their deities rather than worshiping them. I particularly like the idea of “working with deities,” as I’ve described at least one aspect of my relationship with my deities like that in a previous post:

But my relationship with Freyja and the other deities goes beyond devotion as well, just as my relationships with my husband and my friends do. We are also partners in a great effort — that effort to make the world a better and more just place. So we have discussions. We occasionally even have arguments. I’ve even been known to swear at my deities before. And again, they respect me for it. In the end, we are bound together in our desire to build community, a better world, and a better place.

Of course, I will note that this does not mean that I don’t show great honor to my deities. After all, while neither all-powerful nor all-knowing, they are typically smarter and capable of producing greater change than I am alone. I think a certain amount of appreciation for that is wise on my part. And this is where I favor Yvonne Aburrow’s efforts to reclaim the word “worship” and understand what it means in a more Pagan context.

Of course, i will note that I’m probably more interested in my deities’ wisdom than their power. That is my witch side influencing my theology. After all, I believe that we are empowered and capable of doing much on our own, rather than reduced to asking our deities to give us what we need and/or want.

This is also where Gardner’s writings have influenced my theology, as he once wrote that the gods of the witches wanted people to be happy, but needed people’s help to make that happen. This again suggests to me that our deities are as reliant on us as we are on them. Perhaps they rely on us even more than we them. After all, I think Terry Pratchett1 was on to something when he suggested that deities were only empowered through the faith their followers had in them in his book Small Gods.2 I think there’s a certain amount of sense in this line of thinking.

I think this mutual need shapes a different kind of relationship between deities and humans than one suggested by religions that posit an all-powerful, authoritarian deity. Our deities must cooperate and even negotiate with us rather than handing down commandments from on high. This puts us on more equal footing and allows us to meaningfully consent3 to any relationship with them. It also suggests that we are all a part of that One Eternal Reality, trying to work communally to shape it into something beneficial for all.

Post History: I wrote the first draft of this post on October 15, 2024. I proofread, revised, and finalized it on October 16, 2024.

Footnotes

  1. I’m not sure whether Pratchett would be honored, amused, or horrified (probably some combination of the three) by the suggestion, but I’d argue that the man was one of greatest theologians in my lifetime. ↩︎
  2. Yes, I’m taking theology from a fiction book. After all, what are the ancient myths but stories once told to convey important ideas and truths? I see no reason to not search modern stories for important ideas and truths as well. But for the record, I hope no one ever takes The Color of Magic as literal history. (Monstrous Regiment, on the other hand….) ↩︎
  3. After all, consent is only meaningful if it can be withheld and/or withdrawn without retribution. ↩︎

The thoughts of a gay witch living in upstate New York.